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Yushi doesn’t know where all this shame comes from, she never understood it.
Her boyish way of being was never a bother to her family, she wasn’t made to believe she was a mistake or a disappointment. Cutting her hair in a barber’s shop instead of a salon felt right, wearing a suit over a dress did too. These things were just part of her being, without an aversion to femininity she simply was more drawn to this other side of her. And being surrounded by people who aren’t scared to love her for it you’d think she would too.
And she does, sort of, but there’s something that’s always bothered Yushi.
"Mhm I like older women." Sion turns his grin towards her. "What about you Yushi? What’s your type?"
Here’s something about being outcasted by your gender, you turn towards the other for friendship.
"Ah. I don’t know." Is what Yushi had muttered, when really she knew. But how was she supposed to say it when her type was sitting there just on the other side of this table?
Maeda Riku was the only other known lesbian at school, and yet still infinitely cooler, prettier. Shy in a way that’s charming, but when she spoke she was always saying the right thing.
The only two girls sitting here, with Sion and Daeyoung sharing a plate of fries in between. A year later Sakuya and Ryo would join them. It was easy, being friends with the boys, and it was exceptionally less easy being friends with Riku.
Because at the end of the day in bed, Yushi’s mind would always linger on how she had looked, what words they had exchanged, how long their fingers had brushed between sharing a can of coke. And here it was, the shame.
Riku was so beautiful, balancing femininity with masculinity like it was the easiest thing in the world, getting along with everyone as long as they weren’t ignorant. For Yushi loving women had always been easy, being one was another thing.
Simply because she didn’t fit the mold she presumed, she was neither a normal girl nor would she ever wish to be a man. But she liked girls, and something deep inside her brain had always made it feel like a perverted thing, like she wasn’t allowed to even though nobody was really stopping her.
Maybe that feeling was reserved for Riku alone, she wouldn’t know because she’s never felt it again as deep as she does for her, she never did fantasize about another woman than her only female friend. It took Yushi years to realize it was an inferiority thing and not some type of internalized homophobia.
Riku was on a pedestal. She’s both strong and delicate, gorgeous and at times handsome. Easy going but incredibly complex on her own. Loving her, Yushi wasn’t even realizing how much she had compared herself to the other. As if in wanting her she’d wished to merge and be her too.
School was their meeting point, a regret in not hanging out at least a little more still lingers, but then Sion graduated and Riku followed suit. Soon enough, Yushi and Daeyoung would be free of high school studies too. Sakuya and Ryo still grumble about being left behind.
That year without glimpes of Riku between classes had been miserable for Yushi, even Sion’s hugs and hair ruffles were missed. But it’s nothing compared to now.
21 years old Yushi couldn’t count the days in which she hasn’t seen Riku’s face on anything else than social media, and that’s because a little over a year ago Riku had gone back to her parents in Fukui. Yushi was surrounded by so much care from her friends in Seoul and still she’s felt all alone in this city ever since.
"I think Daeyoung hyung’s crying." Sakuya whispers in a way that’s obviously meant to still be heard. Ryo snickers even though his eyes are the reddest.
"Am not!" Daeyoung complains, sniffing in contradiction.
Yushi knows how loved Riku is, it’s obvious just looking around at the boys vibrating like puppies waiting for their owner to come home, but inside her chest is a possessiveness that belongs to her alone. Her longing for Riku outweighs the tears that won’t fall.
And she doesn’t think about how Riku might like to see her cry instead, making it clear how much she’s been missed because Riku is oh so sentimental and will definitely be crying the hardest out of all of them, because Yushi’s being strong for herself this time.
The airport is hot with so many people waiting around for their flights and Yushi keeps fanning herself, barely taking in anything the boys are doing. Only registering how jittery they all are.
Riku’s plane should be landing any time now, solidifying her return in a way that makes Yushi’s gut churn in anticipation. Will it be easy, or will everything be changed between them. Long distance had never cut down their friendship, Riku was always replying in their groupchat, just like she was still here, but the idea of having her so close physically is making Yushi sweat nervously.
It happens just like she’s watching a scene play out, like the airport is simply a theatre and Riku is the main actress. Yushi doesn’t see her right away, but Ryo yells out her name loud enough to pierce her eardrums so her eyes start flitting over every head that floods down from the staircase. There she is, waving down at them and making it obvious she’s already getting choked up.
And Yushi’s heart is squeezing so hard her hand is coming up to clutch at her chest. Riku looks… Beautiful, just like she remembers her to be, and carrying a new aura of confidence like it’s the easiest thing. Her hair is shorter now, a similar length to Yushi yet still a little shaggier than the boys, dyed a dark brown instead of the black Yushi is familiar with. She’s tanner - from this distance it almost looks like she’s grown taller too but Yushi knows she’s being delusional about that point, and Riku’s bare arms peek out of a loose tank with a toned quality that compliments her already lean figure.
It’s instant, the dryness in her mouth, her knees weak and her heart anxiously jumping around. Riku’s effect on Yushi is just as strong as it used to be. But all of it lies below the relief and happiness of seeing her.
She's there, real and walking towards them and smiling so brightly.
"Mom! I missed you!" Ryo exclaims, joining her in the middle as they both run into an embrace, he's grinning hard - joking around already but Yushi knows the word is what triggers Riku's tears to fall.
She hiccups over a laugh. "Why are you so tall?" She says even though she's still carrying some height over him.
"Because he keeps mooching off my lunches." Sakuya joins in, wrapping his arms around them both in a rare display of public affection, taller than the both of them despite his comment.
Riku is all tears and laughs, and Yushi knows that she'd probably prefer doing this in more private setting than an airport full of people but some things just can't really wait after so much time. Sion and Daeyoung catch up to them first while Yushi hangs back a few steps.
Sion practically pries the others off of her so he can crush her in a hug that lifts her up from the intensity. "How was your flight princess?" He asks as he puts her back down. Riku's eyes shift to the side, avoiding Sion's stare and an annoying spike of jealousy is already running through Yushi.
"Fine, I slept the whole way." She giggles, her nose is pink from crying and tears cling to her eyelashes. She's such a pretty crier.
Behind them Daeyoung picks up her luggage, already doing everything in his power to make it easier for Riku like Yushi expected him to.
That’s the thing, Yushi isn’t Riku’s best friend like Daeyoung is. She hasn’t stayed over at her place just for the fuck of it, learning all the ways in which she likes to be doted on. Those two have called each other the most in the last year, whined over the phone about missing one another until it got everybody around gagging. Just like they were a couple, but they aren’t. That at least is keeping Yushi sane.
Sion’s relationship with Riku is somehow harder to digest, they’re too touchy. Yushi can handle the pet names and the cuddling but what she can’t even really understand is why Riku gets so flustered with him because Yushi knows that she’s gay, but her reactions are just so out there sometimes. Watching Yushi’s own best friend twirl around the girl she loves and noticing the flush on her face makes her wish she was better at handling jealousy.
But Riku looks up to Sion, she admires how handsome he is. She’s always saying he’s effortlessly cool, even though Yushi just thinks he’s silly. She wonders what Riku must think of her. Yushi thinks of herself as a simple and straightforward person, too shy for some people maybe. With the ones she trusts she tends to be livelier, funny in a deadpan way, sometimes clingy. But that’s all through Yushi’s own lens, Riku’s perspective tends to be out of the box, she’s a deep thinker, she likes observing people and sometimes she’ll point out an habit or trait of Yushi’s that she wasn’t even aware of herself.
Even though she’s only looked at Riku ever since she came down, Yushi doesn’t even realize the other is looking right back at her until she feels two warm hands on her shoulders. She blinks and suddenly Riku’s right in front of her, tears in her eyes.
"Yuu-chan. Were you waiting for me?" She says with a smile that makes her cheeks go round and pink.
Yushi brings her into a crushing hug, grasping at the back of her shirt just to anchor herself. "Mmh. A long time." She mutters into the crook of her neck. She smells just like she used to.
It makes her sniffle, tears leaving a wet little spot on Yushi’s shoulder. "Me too." She sighs. Yushi’s glasses crook around her nose from how hard she burrows her face in Riku’s neck, almost feeling her heartbeat from the pulse point.
It's devastating, how well Riku still fits in her arms. Even though she's taller and needs to bend her neck down to pillow her cheek on Yushi's shoulder, the small of her back circled by Yushi's arms and the flush of her chest on hers is everything and more. Just hugging like this, feels immensely better than anything Yushi's imagined over the last year and for once in her life since she's met the other girl she doesn't feel selfish for it.
"If you don't stop hogging noona Daeyoung is seriously going to cry." Ryo calls from behind Riku's back, talking to Yushi. And of course when Yushi cranes her neck she sees how much Daeyoung looks like an abandoned puppy so her hands relucantly leave Riku's sides.
Riku steps back and offers her a genuine smile before she lets go, turning around to burrow herself in Daeyoung's arms, their embrace more tender than Yushi could ever hope for. The tall boy quietly sobs into her shoulder, Riku's hand petting the back of his head and Yushi is reminded once again of how much being in love can hold you back from someone. If only she wasn't so nervous, if she wasn't always so gripped with wanting more maybe she could've had this kind of raw scene as well. Her eyes strained on Riku's back don't catch the way Sion eyes her from the side, doesn't remember how her fingers had clinged to Riku's shirt and Riku in turn had cried on her shoulder only a moment ago.
"We ready to go?" Sion voices, eagerness barely contained in his question. They all nod, Ryo taking Riku's hand in his as they move towards the exit and Yushi decides to stay by Sion's side this time.
"I can't believe she's here." He says, quietly, only meant for Yushi's ears.
"Mhm. I think I forgot she was real." Yushi answers, feigning nonchalance with her tone. Sion's hand pushes at her head playfully, fingers ruffling her short hair.
"Yeah yeah lovergirl. She's your fairytale princess that's why." He whispers, giggling all the while.
Sion knows, of course he does, because Yushi's told him in a fit of heartbreak a year and a few months ago when Riku had dropped the news. But really it was obvious he was already aware, probably from the start. Sion knows her the best even though he pretends he doesn't.
"Shut up. She's only a princess to you, weirdo." Yushi chirps, face taking a rosy turn in the spotlight of her crush being mentioned.
Daeyoung rolls two suitcases in front of them, a backpack hanging on his shoulders and Sion abandons Yushi to jog over and wordlessly take one from him. Yushi knows him the best as well, so she doesn't really care.
"I'm so excited, it's been so long." Ryo comments from the back.
"It's only been a year, like all the other times before Ryo." Sakuya says chuckling.
The six of them are heading to Daeyoung's aunt place, a ritual they've been doing every summer since high school. She always travels during that time of the year and she gracefully lets her nephew and his friends stay there as long as they water the plants. She's loaded so it's always been fun to lodge there, a beach house with enough rooms to pair up and be comfortable to sleep. This time, they're heading straight over, welcoming Riku back into this makeshift home they create every summer. Yushi hopelessly clings to her last memory of that place, her heartbeat picking up at every reminder.
In Sion's van, they blast nostalgic songs of their school days like they always do and sing along all the while. He rolls the windows down and the warm wind of a hot summer whips away at Riku's short hair, making Yushi remember that one scene again.
When Riku left it was raining, it had been grey all day long furthering the bittersweet mood Yushi and the boys were carrying, but when she thinks back on her last few moments with her before her departure she still feels the faint sea breeze, the scent of the beach and the hot sand between her toes. The memory she holds preciously between the walls of her throat, always threatening to burst out of her because she’s never been able to swallow it down. The lingering softness of fingers brushing past her sensitive ear and the taste of another girl. She tries to keep it obediently lodged in that place with every glance at Riku’s way but it seems to take another shape that becomes much too big to ignore, forcing her to bite back words she’ll regret. Like Do you think about it too? Did it torture you the same way? Should we do it again this time?
She's thankfully sitting a row behind Riku though, so she looks out the window and anxiously grips Sakuya's hand from her side, squeezing it like a stress ball while he lets her be, knowing how Yushi is at times. It's so bright and sunny today, fitting for Riku to come back to. A gratefulness settles in her chest.
Would they have come here if Riku hadn't come back? Maybe, Yushi would've stayed up all night playing games with Sakuya trying to ignore the obvious missing piece in their group, sulking alone in the morning and then having to handle Sion complain about his latest situationship like they both aren't aware of the boy he pretends he doesn't love being only a few rooms away. But Riku's here, brightening up the place as she steps out of the car, a a tray of iced drinks in her hand because they had stopped somewhere to get some groceries and snacks for their stay here even though Daeyoung's aunt's fridge is usually full either way.
They make a plan usually, dividing up the chores of cooking and then cleaning up, but it's still so early in the day that they all forget about it to enjoy the beach. They change, Yushi puts on her small swim shorts because she likes how her thighs look in this one but she throws on a swimming shirt that's made for men instead of the top that came with this swimsuit.
When she comes outside she meets Riku in the middle of the boys with a pair of sunglasses on her nose. She's wearing the same black bikini she's been using for years now with a pair of camo printed cargo shorts that hang low on her hips. It's crazy, how effortlessly attractive she can be.
Yushi doesn't follow them in the water just yet, she sits down in the sand with a bottle of water to sip on as she observes them run to the sea and jump in, splashing each other. It doesn't take long before Ryo is on Sakuya's shoulders wrestling Riku who's sitting on Sion's, he unsuprisingly loses and falls into the water first dragging the other boy below with him. Yushi laughs fondly just watching her friends, for once forgetting to feel left out.
Two summers ago, Yushi had been sitting on this same beach somewhere near this spot. Her feet were buried in the sand and the sun had been blazing hard that day. She remembers it like a moment that’s just passed, a memory she still dreams about.
Riku’s hair had been longer then, down to her shoulders and pushed back by the sunglasses she liked to use as a headband for a little while, whipping away at the wind. Her bare face was always beautiful to Yushi, she loved seeing her without makeup even if Riku’s eyeliner skills really are perfect.
"You look so pretty." She had huffed, legs brought up to her chest and cheek resting on her knee. Face turned towards that beautiful girl.
Riku had laughed, flustered. "You think so?"
She had hummed, Yushi still can’t fathom what possessed her usually anxious hands to reach out and tuck away a piece of Riku’s hair, knowing the intent of it.
"Yushi." The other girl had started, Yushi remembers how sweet her voice could make her name sound. "The others are all gone back to the house."
Yushi hadn’t understood then, she thought Riku was telling her to get up and go back with her to join them.
But then she had leaned in, she had tucked a strand of Yushi’s own hair, too short to matter really though the tip of her ears had burned making contact with Riku’s finger. Her lips had landed right on hers, tasting like the sea air they had been inhaling all day.
Yushi still thinks of how soft her mouth was, with only a few seconds of it all before Sion’s loud voice had called for them. She never told him afterwards, what he had interrupted, but like everything else Yushi guesses he might know anyway.
And now again, Sion pushes her right out of her reverie with a yell.
"Yuu-shi!!" He signals from the water for her to join them. So she does, walking up to the shore and dipping her toes in water before Sakuya starts dragging her towards them.
"Rematch with Yushi noona!" Ryo calls, pushing Daeyoung towards her so that she can climb on his shoulders.
Which she shakily does, scrambling to hold his hair for support and ignoring his whining. Riku is already back on Sion, sunglasses nowhere to be seen and her hair drenched and swept back, her fingers find Yushi's, interlacing so that they can start pushing but Daeyoung and Sion do the same below them, forgetting to hold their ankles which really just makes them start leaning their weight in not to fall. This always happens, Sion and Daeyoung bring out the competitiveness in each other, pushing each other to win until Yushi inevitably falls backwards and Riku cheers for their win.
"Noona! I had the upper hand why'd you slip!" Daeyoung complains, pout sticking out.
After that, Yushi blows water out of her nose and lets the younger ones fight it out, receiving the occasional splash from their direction, but it doesn't take long for them to tire themselves out. They scramble back to the sand, Ryo and Sakuya first as they shout about ice cream and a game Yushi's kind of bitter about not being included for. Sion and Daeyoung stay in the water the longest, Riku following Yushi when she makes her way out.
"Wanna take a walk?" She calls, falling into step with Yushi. Sand clinging to their wet feet. Riku points to the forest with her chin.
There's a trail down there, with a stream Yushi has memories of Sion falling into. They've walked this way together countless of times, but being alone with Riku after so long lights a fire in her belly. Still, she nods, grabbing her sandals before they make their way. Riku signals to the boys still in the water that they'll be back later.
They walk like this, side by side for a while without really saying anything. They don't need to, that's the most beautiful thing with Riku, she's comfortable even in silence. Two introverts, who just get each other, but then again maybe that's why Yushi feels so behind the other boys with all the efforts they've put towards this girl Yushi loves. All the words Yushi can't find, they've already been said to her, or almost all. Not the ones that truly matter to Yushi, even though everything should matter with Riku even the most trivial of conversations.
It's Riku who speaks first again this time. "I'm really happy I can be here with you."
"You should stay then." Yushi says, not because Riku has plans to leave again or at least Yushi hopes she doesn't, but because it's the only way she knows how to translate her heart trying to reach out and personally tell Riku that she needs her by her side.
She understands, she always does. "I will."
Yushi's hand gravitates towards her side and finds Riku's, their fingers interlace and the other girl's thumb gives one gentle stroke to the back of her hand.
Changing the subject, Yushi licks her lips. "You cut your hair."
Riku's head turns to look at her side profile, an hesitant smile making an appearance. "Do you like it?"
Yushi likes it so fucking much, she can't even look straight at her without having thoughts she'll feel guilty about later tonight. But Yushi knows that tone, the one Riku uses when she wants reassurance because she values what her friends think more than she should.
"Yes. You look really pretty." She says, keeping the rest from spilling out.
"Do I? Prettier than before?" Riku teases now that she's gotten the compliment she wanted even though her cheeks are flushed pink from the praise.
Yushi hums, looking for the right way to say it. "You always are. Every time I see you you're prettier than the last." She cringes at the last word, looking down and hoping it doesn't sound too much like a confession.
Riku's hand squeezes hers. "You really know how to talk to women." Riku laughs, teasing her again but she's not meeting her eyes either and her face is a shade deeper than it was right before.
Yushi exhales a small laugh, she's never talked to another girl in this way. This feeling is for Riku alone, it's always been. It kills her to think of Riku being her charismatic and stunning self back in Fukui, away from Yushi and unbound to her because one simple kiss is not a promise and even up to now they've never mentioned it again. She tries not thinking of Riku with someone else, but it always catches up to her anyway even now with Riku's hand in hers.
But she doesn't bring it up, doesn't dare to ask. It's not her place. Doesn't even want to imagine the possible heartbreak an answer could give her, so instead they keep walking hand in hand and come up to where the trail splits. Yushi knows, that if they take a right the trail leads to the other side of the forest where another private property is so as they've done a handful of times already, Yushi tugs on Riku's hand to get her to follow her down to the other side where the path previously made of dirt turns into a rocky little road that meets the edge of the stream.
She really does know this trail like the back of her hand at this point, and yet when she steps on one of the rocks Yushi guesses it must have been wet, splashed by the water nearby, because her ankle twists and she nearly falls forward. Except she doesn't, Riku's arms are somehow already around her middle, keeping her from falling.
"Are you okay?!" She exclaims, trying to look down at Yushi's foot from over her shoulder.
"Shit. Yeah, sorry." Yushi grins, an edge to it because it does kind of hurt. They make their way down and Riku sits her down on one of the larger and flatter rocks that make up the ground.
Riku inspects her ankle, turning it every which way with a tenderness that still makes Yushi wince. "Maybe you sprained it?" She looks up, unfortunately clueless and still Yushi is hit with how cute she is.
She huffs. "No, I'm fine. Probably." She stubbornly answers, patting the space besides her because she does refuse to stand up either way until the sting passes. Riku crawls up to sit next to her and Yushi tries really hard, and still fails, to not look at her chest as she does. She's still only wearing her bikini top and the expanse of her skin is something that already drives Yushi crazy.
Riku's head falls to her shoulder and Yushi ignores the desire to take another peek from this angle. God, she's shameless. Such a pervert.
Their hands find each other again, like two magnets. "You idiot, getting hurt on the first day I'm back here. Did you just want me to dote on you?" Riku huffs, frustrated with seeing Yushi wounded in any way.
"Yeah." Yushi agrees easily, playing into her exaggerated accusation.
"You should know I like being doted on instead." She grumbles, her lips moving against the fabric of Yushi's shirt, almost dry by now, as she turns her head.
"Well I like that too. We're too similar." Yushi jokes, smiling up at the sky, letting Riku's soft cheek dig into her shoulder like a cat demanding to be pet.
"Are you rejecting me?" The older girl asks, straightening up even though none of it was quite serious. Her gaze settles on Yushi's face and then falls to her lips.
And it's so absolutely ridiculous, Yushi wouldn't be able to reject her even if she had committed manslaughter, so she laughs. "Depends. Are you confessing?" Her words are so untypically light hearted that she startles herself a second later with how brave it was to get them out.
Riku flushes, eyes doing that thing where they snap from eyes to lips and eyes again. Yushi is quick to mirror her, eyeing her plush mouth and wondering if it'll feel just like it does in the memory of their kiss from the last time they were here.
And then something falls on Yushi’s face, something small and wet. It snaps Riku out of the faze they fell into, her hand coming up to swipe at Yushi’s cheekbone. She looks up at the sky once before she softly says.
"It’s raining." There’s a tilt to it, like it’s more of a question than a statement.
Of course, just then at the perfect moment the clear sky they had over their head would decide to crush whatever was going to happen between them. It’s been so hot and sunny, they hadn’t even noticed the grey clouds forming.
Riku exhales a laugh, something more like exasperation. "We should get you back to the house before the path becomes slippery, you’re already hurt." Her hand still holds Yushi’s jaw, until it drops to her shoulder and squeezes.
Leaving is the last thing she wants to do but Yushi still stands up after Riku, dusting off the dirt from her shorts. She winces again when she puts weight on her foot, Riku notices.
"I'll carry you."
"Eh? No you won't. Are you crazy?" Yushi's ears are burning.
Riku laughs in her face. "Come on, you're tiny. Just for the rock path." She flexes her stupidly toned bicep, patting it probably to show off her supposed strength or something. Yushi has to squeeze her eyes shut to force herself not to do something completely moronic like throwing herself on her knees. She agrees simply to put herself out of possible misery if she doesn't.
Riku kneels in front of her, inviting her to climb for a piggyback and her hands settle on the fat of Yushi's thighs to stabilize her when she does. And wow, fuck. That is so much worse.
Yushi's chest is flush to Riku's basically bare back and God does she regret not wearing that awful swimsuit top instead, she almost bites back a moan when Riku stands up and hauls Yushi a little higher up, her hands digging into the soft meat of her thighs. It's pretty pathetic, how touch starved she is. Her own fingers shake as they dig into her shoulders for support, her face buried in the back of Riku's neck.
She makes it seem surprisingly easy, to walk back up towards the trail with Yushi on her back. Droplets of rain softly fall on them but nothing nasty, for now at least it looks like it will pass by pretty soon. It's still nice out, the sun shining down from in between the sparse rainy clouds and making a halo on Riku's short brown hair which is starting to wave at the nape from the humidity. The water falling down Yushi's back does nothing to ease the heat coursing through her body.
Riku doesn't drop her down once they're back on the trail and Yushi doesn't say anything about it, because she doesn't want to. She only settles her back down before they have to step back on the beach and she doesn't have to voice it for Yushi to know that it's because she's aware Yushi would get embarrassed if one of the boys saw her like this. She's got pride after all, but Daeyoung and Sion are no longer in the water and the beach is silent safe for the rain falling down on the water and the birds chirping from the trees.
Raindrops fall on Riku's collarbone, falling in between her chest, Yushi tracks the movement with her eyes and Riku ignores the staring with a faint redness dusting her nose. She holds the glass door open for Yushi and offers her arms to help her slight limping.
Sakuya and Ryo are still on the couch playing the game they were yelling about earlier, looking up when the two girls come in and noticing right away how off Yushi's balance is. Sakuya sits up immediately, brows furrowing.
"Yuu-chan twisted her ankle." Riku says and out of thin air Sion materalizes and starts fussing.
"Huh?! What the hell happened?" He says, eyeing her up from top to bottom, looking for signs of a fall maybe. Daeyoung follows suit, putting a large hand on the small of her back, Riku let's him take Yushi away.
"I'll wrap you up noona." He gently says.
Yushi drags a hand down her face, trying to hide the blush sitting on it. "Guys. I'm fine, really. It doesn't even hurt."
"Shut up, you're limping." Sion says as he drags her along with Daeyoung. Riku and the younger boys follow them. The six of them make a crowd in the usually large bathroom where Daeyoung makes Yushi sit down on the closed lid of the toilet while he looks for the bandages in his aunt's pharmacy. All eyes are on her and that's something she would really hate if it wasn't from these people she knows are only cramped in here because they care about her.
"We were walking down to the stream and she slipped." Riku explains when Ryo presses for details. Though she doesn't say much more and Yushi is grateful for it.
"Our baby dumpling can't even walk yet." Ryo coos with such a genuinely sad look on his face Yushi very briefly thinks about smothering him with a pillow later tonight.
"Urgh. I barely slipped, my foot just twisted." She mumbles.
Daeyoung's gentle fingers handle her leg, wrapping her foot and ankle with the bandage he's found.
"Is it too tight?" He asks when he's done putting it on.
She shakes her head, even though it kind of is but the numbness that the compression brings feels nice. The initial panic fades just as quickly when Yushi makes it a point to start walking around the place showing off her bandage. Unfortunately that means she's not exempt from cooking when she loses at rock paper scissors along with Sion, the two usually infamous between them for sitting down instead of really helping but Riku and Ryo already went for groceries earlier and the other two are stuck with the dishes.
It's not so quiet here in the kitchen because the living room is occupied by the others, laughing and yelling through games they're playing on Daeyoung's nintendo switch. Yushi ignores how much her heart squeezes whenever Riku's giggles echo, she's missed that sound. Nothing feels empty anymore, the house, the group, her own body. It's like Riku's presence has put back everything that fell out of space, familiarity washing over them and quickly erasing any proof of her absence at all. She thinks about this as she's cutting green onions.
"Mhm. Are you just making ramen?" Sion asks, he's examining the state of the fridge.
Yushi nods, boiling enough water for at least five packs and prepping the vegetables she likes to add in the broth.
"Yeah I figured. There's enough stuff for bibimbap in here, is that too boring?" He asks, starting the rice cooker anyway.
"Who cares. As long as it's good."
"True." He nods. "How's your foot? Are you sure you should be standing on it for this long?" Sion asks because it's probably been eating at him ever since Yushi came back to the house.
She smiles softly, knowing how much Sion tends to worry about her. "It's fine, doesn't really hurt anymore." And it's true, she barely feels it at all.
Sion sighs in relief. "That's good then." He says and settles next to her, cutting up his own array of veggies for the bibimbap. "How was it? With Riku."
Yushi's voice drops to a whisper, because the other girl is right there in the next room. "We almost kissed." She's not sure why she tells him so openly, maybe because this time it really feels like she'll burst if she doesn't.
Sion's eyes go as wide as saucers, his knife dropping to the cutting board with a clink. "Are you serious?"
Yushi smiles, she's blushing even though maybe she shouldn't be. There's a reason she never told anyone about that time Riku leaned in and kissed her on the beach.
Yushi tried not to read too much into it because it wasn’t… Done with purpose, probably. She’s afraid Riku might have kissed her only because she’s one of the very few queer girls she knows, the one she’s known the longest too. And Riku has kissed Daeyoung as well before, drunk and flushed and having a good time, so what makes Yushi special? If she’s able to kiss a friend without any feeling or even attraction behind it, but that’s a completely selfish thought because Yushi has kissed Sion too. Back when they were just teens and decided that gaining experience with the person you trust the most could be beneficial for them.
But today, when Riku had been leaning in and looking down at Yushi’s mouth they hadn’t even kissed yet, she’s sure they were about to, and it already felt so different. Yushi's so selfish, she really is. She wants Riku all to herself but refuses to look further when Riku gives in because she's too scared of her own desire. Today though, she puts that aside. She knows Sion would berate her for thinking this way, she knows he believes that she's deserving of Riku.
Who is she not to trust her best friend. "Yeah. What about you?" Yushi says and when Sion only cocks an eyebrow in confusion she continues.
"After we left. Had fun on the beach with him?" She's putting him on the spot and there's no use trying to act clueless because right as Sion opens his mouth to probably refute anything that Yushi's implying, Daeyoung's loud voice cheers about a win in their game and his face falls into something unreadable. Or it would, to anyone else, but Yushi knows him well enough at this point.
"I guess." He mutters, picking up the knife again to either just keep cooking or in an attempt at dropping the conversation.
Yushi chuckles. "At least make it sound like you don't hate him."
"You know I dont. It's just... Urgh." Sion settles on and Yushi just laughs at him again.
They're the same in that way, having this weird fixation on one-sided love when every arrow points the other way. This inferiority complex that lies under their pride because loving someone of the same gender, here in Korea, it's shameful. Here it is, the shame, they both know now that they're not getting rid of it anytime soon because the world they live in won't let them, but learning to accept it is something Yushi is working on. Liking someone, it can feel a lot like putting a curse on that person, like bounding your fate and theirs to something rooted in selfishness.
Thing is, Yushi doesn't impose this mindset on Sion, she just knows they share it. She's rooting for him actually, would like him to get his head out his ass and make a move, but she's not exactly the right messenger for that. She thinks of these boys, who approached her as a quiet and lonely queer girl when nobody else did and knows it's because they all shared something past the difference in their personalities.
There's things Yushi is trying to unlearn, shame for one, because she wants to be happy. She's not doing a bad job at it either, ignoring her internal monologues, because she's never looked more like herself than she does now. But even more so, she wants her friends to be happy as well.
"Oppa, I think you should at least make an effort to spend more time with him. Sometimes he looks really down when you ignore him." She still says because she cares just as much for Daeyoung.
"We just talked about us being on the beach! I do spend time with him." Sion tells her, maybe a little too loudly considering the others are all on the other side of this wall without so much of a closed door separating them. Yushi doesn't mention how obvious it is when Sion looks the other way instead of facing this crush that he has, it's for him to figure out.
"Whatever. I want details of-" His mouth snaps shut when he glances past Yushi.
"Smells nice." Riku butts in, walking up to the space on the other side of Yushi, leaning on the counter. She peeks inside the pot.
She's changed into an oversized white t-shirt that might be one of the guys' but it's just so thin and Yushi hates how she notices Riku isn't wearing a bra. The shape of her nipples poking through the soft fabric, her eyes quickly flit back to the cutting board. "It's just ramen."
"I love ramen." Riku says, because she's perfect, and turns to Sion. "Hey can I steal her tonight? I missed my Yuu-chan so much."
Yushi's heart skips a few beats, she nearly cuts off one of her fingers. They never really do talk about the sleeping arrangements here because every year it's the same. Ryo rooms with Sakuya, naturally. Riku stays with Daeyoung and Yushi with Sion.
After the initial surprise on Sion's face, he picks up his jaw and answers. "Baby, you can have anything you want today." He throws a not so subtle wink at Yushi and then she has the pleasure of watching dread slowly wash over his features when he realizes that if Riku is rooming with Yushi, he'll have to be with Daeyoung. Well, Yushi is thankful for his sacrifice.
She tries not showing how flustered she is but her teeth are busy biting her bottom lip and her face feels like it's on fire. Has Riku been thinking about this?
"If you want to, obviously." Riku says, this time to Yushi. She nods, doesn't dare to speak because she knows she'll stutter through it.
Riku leaves after getting what she wanted and with her the faint coconut scent of the shampoo she uses. They don't dare to speak much after that, mostly because teasing when you know you're both in the same boat seems stupid so Sion and Yushi just finish up with dinner and attempt to ignore the bundle of nerves they're both forming.
Eating all together is still fun, as it always is. It's nice to eat with people that you love, but it goes by so fast when you're only thinking of what's ahead of it. Yushi thinks about that room she's going to be sharing with Riku, and the sole bed in it, until she's standing in it freshly showered. Her pyjamas are not so different from what she's been wearing all day, boxer shorts and a shirt she got from the men's section.
Riku's still in the bathroom, brushing her teeth, but it's only a few minutes later that she comes in and shuts the lights. Somehow the room is still bright from Yushi's point of view.
The older girl slips under the covers and Yushi sets her phone on the nightstand. She's still on her back while Riku turns to face her, a hand taking place on Yushi's arm. Yushi stares at the ceiling, trying to will her heart not to thump against her ribcage so hard.
"I'm so happy to be here. I had a lot of fun today." Riku sighs, but it's a content one. Yushi hums to make sign that she’s listening.
"It's not really like I didn't enjoy being in my hometown but... It's just different without you guys. Without you."
Yushi's eyes sting. "Wouldn't you rather be with your family?" She doesn't want to imagine Riku feeling as lonely as she did when Yushi at least had the other boys here with her.
"You guys are my family too." She answers and Yushi doesn't say anything to that, just swallows the lump in her throat and ignores the painful feeling in her chest.
Riku’s hand caresses her arm, thumb dragging over skin like she did when they held hands earlier. Yushi feels it inch closer to her own hand that lays on her stomach, she’s not sure she could handle that so she turns around, coming face to face with Riku instead and letting her hand fall in the space between them, Riku takes it in her own.
"Did you miss me a lot?"
"Yeah. I've always needed you here with me." Yushi says, honest. She knows Riku needs to hear it just as much as she does to tell.
She doesn’t react right away, but her eyelashes flutter and flit down like she can’t handle looking right at her, or she’s trying not to cry.
"Tell me everything. From the day I left."
"I’d rather think about you being here instead." Yushi answers.
It seems to shut her up for a moment, maybe she's touched by what Yushi said which was the truth. Nothing of worth happened during the year Riku had deserted her, except wallowing in an unfair loneliness that would barely fade even in the company of her closest friends.
"You're boring." Riku huffs, playing with Yushi's fingers. "I want to know everything about you." Her words are a barely there whisper.
Well that’s raw, it makes Yushi flush in the darkness of the room. Her hand finds the dip of Riku’s waist, hungry for contact.
"Well, I didn't do anything special but I learned how to make japchae and ate a lot of that." She indulges, saying the first thing that popped into her head. Riku giggles at that.
"And... I almost died missing you." She adds, embarrassed to no end and still she forces the words out. If Riku wants to know everything about her then she needs to know this.
She feels the older girl flinch, can see her shape seize up and then melt down with a sigh. She takes the hand that was between their bodies and tucks in a strand of hair behind Yushi’s ear in such a familiar way, her fingers leaving soft touches on her ear and then to her jaw. Yushi sucks in a breath and holds it.
It would be so easy to slip her hand beheath Riku's top, leave the heat of her palm over the plane of her skin. Her muscles are strained from holding back, forcing her fingers to be completely still where they rest on the other's rib. She's so shameless, she's sick with greed of touching her even more, of closing what's little left of space between them.
"Yuu-chan." Riku calls. Yushi can make out her features with the faint glow of the moon shining down from the window behind her back. "Aren’t you gonna kiss me?" Her full lips smile around the words.
Oh. Yushi’s mouth is on hers before she even really lets the words settle in. She’ll give Riku anything she wants, is what she tells herself as if it wasn’t her own fantasy as well. She strains her neck before scooting closer, her hand squeezing Riku’s side as she meets her lips. It’s not the first time but it feels like it, her insides erupting in what people usually call fireworks which might be accurate - she’s trembling so much Yushi’s afraid she’ll burst.
Riku makes a small noise in the back of her throat when Yushi presses closer with her mouth, slotting together in a way that forces them to part lips, she pushes her tongue in then. It’s not quick and innocent like it was on the beach the previous summer, rather it’s packed with the longing they both indulged in. Riku's body comes up flush against Yushi's, her hand fisted in the back of Yushi's hair as she works her mouth open with her tongue.
Yushi can feel the swell of Riku's breasts against her own, she's perkier in that area while Yushi's somewhat flat and her head is dizzy with feeling the shape of her nipples pressing on her chest. She sneaks her hand under the loose shirt Riku has on, inching closer but only dragging her thumb under the line of where it rises. Her mouth on Riku fits so well and the small sounds she drags out of her so satisfying. Yushi gasps out a moan of her own when Riku's thigh slots itself in between hers.
Riku's hand moves down to hold her hip, grinding her thigh up and making her press closer. Yushi's head feels empty and overwhelmed all at once, she separates their lips with a pop, dragging her mouth down Riku's neck and sucking bruises into it. She pushes up Riku's shirt then, up to her sternum, and gropes one her tits as she licks up at her throat. The other girl's eyes are squeezed shut, her mouth falling open with a gasp as her fingers dig into Yushi's hip. Riku's thigh rubbing Yushi only helps the uncomfortable wetness between her legs grow heavier.
Yushi pushes Riku until she's flat on her back, following her on top to grind on her propped up thigh and putting her knee between Riku's open legs. Riku's head falls to the side, her hand twisting the back of Yushi's shirt when she dips down to suck on one of her nipples.
She's so cute, how her eyelashes flutter and the quiet sounds she tries not to make. Yushi's been dreaming about it for years.
"I wanna make unnie feel good." She says, close to Riku's skin, and watches her shiver.
Yushi has rarely ever used honorifics with her, mostly because their age difference never truly mattered between them, insignificant for the longest time. But Yushi is already established as a pervert, so this type of shit gets her off more than anything and it’s even better now, in the intimate setting of a room for the two of them where nobody else can hear it, for Riku’s ears only even though they are two japanese girls who have no use for a term of this kind.
Yushi sits up and Riku follows her like there's a magnet between them, her hands hovering over Yushi's waist. She makes her hold up her arms to slide off her shirt, kissing along her chest again before she taps her hip.
"Can I really?" She asks, still a little shocked she even got this far.
Riku nods, her hands cupping Yushi's face to guide her back into a kiss. She moans when Yushi slips her tongue back in. "Make unnie feel good." She whispers in between their lips, like she's shy about it.
She turns the older girl to be face down and ass up, dragging her shorts down to where her knees dig into the mattress. Riku arches her back like a cat, face pressed to the pillow. She's so hot, so beautiful. Yushi can't believe she has her under the palm of her hands, spreading out her thighs and seeing proof of her desire with the shine of slick along her slit.
Her lips land on her inner thigh, kissing up to the swell of her ass cheek. "Riku unnie is mine." She mumbles, crazed, teeth nipping at her skin.
Riku squirms in her grasp, turning her head from the pillow to speak. "Yuu-chan. I only want you. Wanted you so much."
The words make Yushi whimper, urging her to lick up to Riku's cunt as she softly gasps below. Yushi's tongue laps up her clit, inexperienced and so eager. She tries both flattening and hardening her tongue, picking up on the changes in Riku's short breaths or the way she tenses up to know what feels better. She tastes like how Yushi does, which she knows because she tends to put her fingers in her mouth a lot when she's touching herself, and she's dripping right on Yushi's face. It's driving her a bit insane.
She opens up to thrust her tongue inside Riku's pussy, punching out a small groan from her, soaking her chin with her juices and Yushi's own spit. Yushi alternates between that and licking at her slit until Riku's thighs visibly start shaking. Every little lick brings out a new sound from her at this point, she starts really feeling it when Yushi's thumb joins her mouth to rub her clit.
"Wish I could fuck you right now." Riku moans, voice raw around the edges. "Make me cum so I can fuck my Yuu-chan." Her hips roll back to meet Yushi’s lips, braver than she was before.
Yushi's been holding out on touching herself for a while now, she feels herself pulsating with want, but she keeps her hands firmly planted on Riku's thighs. She's even wetter than before with Riku's words, her jaw is cramping from eating her out but she keeps tonguefucking her with a steady pace of rubbing on her clit. It feels good somehow, just to taste her and have her against her lips so intimately, the wet warmth she meets with her tongue.
Riku's breathing quickens into a rasp and she slumps forward when she comes, squeaking when Yushi's thumb keep circling her clit and reaching in between her legs to pry her wrist away from the overstimulation. She pats the space next to her, wanting Yushi to lie down with her.
Yushi tries to hide the way she's practically buzzing with excitement but Riku's heavy eyes crinkle when she looks over. She reaches out, hand tugging down Yushi's collar to expose her collarbone, and without warning she sits up on her elbows and bends down to bite her right there.
"Take your clothes off." She tells to Yushi's throat, giving it a nasty bruise before she lets her go.
Yushi fumbles with her shirt but forgets about being embarrassed when Riku's hand traces up her stomach all the same. She kicks off her shorts next and heats up at the gaze Riku has over her. She's always so pretty but she looks insanely so right now, cheeks red from pleasure and an hungry smile on her lips.
Riku's hand wastes no time reaching down in between Yushi's thighs. She chuckles a little at the contact while Yushi flinches. "Aren't you way too wet right now?" Her finger caresses Yushi's slit, just feeling it's shape.
"I'm usually like this." Yushi shamefully admits, it's true she tends to drip down her thighs like crazy.
"Really?" Riku says, but it's got a mean lilt to it. "So it's not because of me?" She shoves her finger inside Yushi then, not too harshly but enough to have her gasp out. Riku's hands are unusually big for a girl.
"It's always because of you. I only think of you." Yushi's hands grips Riku's shoulders, her ears burn hearing back her own words. It's not something she ever pictured herself admitting.
Riku's finger thrusts in and out of her, bending and curling to reach her sweeter spot. Yushi's mouth falls open and her eyebrows knot, she never realized how different someone else's fingers could feel from your own. It's more intense, with Riku's already fast pace she can't stop herself from breathing out small whimpers.
The older girl adds a second finger as she sits up, moving to the space between Yushi's legs. "Unnie." Yushi moans out, maybe a little too loudly.
"Riku unnie." She keeps calling out, her head getting dizzy. Her hands slide down Riku's arms, fisting the blanket below instead when Riku's thrusts take a severe turn. She's pistoning her fingers inside with another hand on Yushi's cheek, caressing the shape of her bottom lip with her thumb.
Every flick of her wrist to push her fingers deeper in has Yushi punching out moans more shameless than the last, she can't help it when the other girl is looking down right at her with her pretty face and perfectly sex-tousled hair. Riku's fingers drive into her again, her insides squeezing around the intrusion.
As Riku holds her down with one hand by the jaw and and bullies the other inside her cunt, Yushi doesn’t stop mewling once and really she doesn’t even care to feel bad for the others who might hear.
Riku steps on Yushi’s open thighs with her folded legs, puts her weight down on her knees to pin her to the bed. It feels fucking amazing, the kind of pain that numbs satisfyingly instead of really hurting, and then Riku pushes her other hand down on Yushi's lower belly instead. It's almost too much, the pressure put on her stomach from outside and the restless pace of Riku's fingers inside, the squelching sound it makes every time they fuck back into her.
All it takes is a slight switch in angle, a few perfect thrusts and Yushi is trying and failing to clamp her legs shut around Riku's hand. She shakes from the orgasm, her eyes squeezing shut and her arms flying out to push at Riku's shoulders. But Riku steps down from Yushi's thighs a second later and pulls out her fingers to stick them in her mouth, cleaning them up from Yushi's juices.
Yushi's heaving from the aftermath, the fact she's just slept with the girl she's been dreaming about since the very first day she met her finally sinking in. She feels like crying, but that's a very Riku thing to do.
"Kiss me." She asks instead.
Riku leans down until she's flat on top of her, bumping Yushi's nose with hers affectionately before she lets their lips meet. Open mouthed and tender, both tasting of each other.
Yushi fumbles with the cover until she manages to throw it back on top of them without separating from Riku, she wants to sleep and wake up just like this.
Riku unnie is mine.
She feels it again, so strongly, not just something spurred on by sex but a real feeling of possessive love.
"I was being serious about everything." Riku mumbles to the corner of her mouth, reading her thoughts. Yushi knows she was.
Riku pecks her again before saying it, her lips soft and wet. "I love you too."