Chapter Text
The wind was blowing hard that night. It was the night that my whole life changed. It was the night that all my hope of being normal changed. It started off great actually. Me and Mike were playing on the playground in the autumn breeze.
We were giggling really hard that day. I remember that exact moment like a picture ingrained in my memory. He tapped my shoulder and when I looked back his face was just perfect. I could see a little freckle on his right cheek. I could see his bunny teeth as he smiled brightly at me. I could see his dark eyes glowing with excitement. And that’s when I knew it was over.
At first I put it off. I mean you could find someone conveniently attractive and not be attracted to them right? But nonetheless at night that was the face I thought of. The voices of my dad and the bullies at school replayed in my mind all the time.
When I was younger I couldn’t really comprehend what they were really telling me. But as I got older and I started learning what the words they called me were, I started realizing they might be right. That day replayed over and over, but as I lied in bed at night I shut it down.
It wasn’t right for me to think guys were attractive let alone like them. If my dad heard of this I know he would get into another drunken tantrum with me. People at school said that you could get a deadly disease and that it was from queer’s.
Most people whispered the word ‘gay’ and ‘queer’ like if you said it loud enough you would contract the disease. So in fear of contracting what I pretended I didn’t have, I pushed it down and prayed for it to go away.
I prayed everyday begging a god I didn’t believe in to fix me. If there was a god up there then he didn’t fulfill my wishes because it just got worse. Because this sin I had in me would not be erased no matter how hard I tried. And trust me I tried hard.
I tried to look closer at the girls. I tried so hard I even considered maybe I was fixed. Maybe this Jennifer Hayes girl would be the one. I even told the party that I thought she was cute. They all freaked out and congratulated me. But on the inside I know it was all wrong. Because at night it wasn’t her dark brown hair and eyes I saw at night. It was dark curly hair with freckles and bunny teeth that I saw.
October 31 1984
It was freezing cold that night. It was late October on Halloween day which was supposed to be the best day of the year, but turned out to be a train wreck for me. Ever since November 6 everyone has treated me like some broken tool out of a tool box that from the slightest touch would shatter. But the only person who could shatter me was the person right in front of me.
“Hey Will, if we’re both going crazy then we’ll go crazy together right?”
“Yeah crazy together.”
That was our promise but what Mike didn’t take into account was that I was already crazy. Not from these scary tormenting visions, but from him. What was the saying again? Only love makes you that crazy? Well I was already crazy.
Mike was the constant in my life that I needed where my life was changing at a rapid pace. Everything was going so fast and I just wanted everything to slow down. Because I wasn’t fixed. I was the broken one that was hooked up to life support waiting to see who was going to pull the plug. Was it going to be the demogorgans? Or was it going to be the people around me?
The people who hated the mere existence of me. The people who threw the words that described me around like they couldn’t fathom the thought of god forbid like the same gender. But that was my life and the world I lived in.
At 13 I already knew my place in life and so help me god all I wanted to do was be by Mike’s side. I just wanted to stick with him no matter where he went or whatever he would do. I was a clinger all right which might be normal for a child but as we approached teenage-hood it was unacceptable. It meant contracting the disease that had already spread to me. The disease I wished in the deep back of my mind would spread to my best friend.
I know what Lucas and Dustin said about that girl. The girl who helped save me and the girl who was the love of Mike’s life. But she wasn’t here was she? I was here and that was all that mattered. As I looked back in the future, I realized how naive I was for thinking this friendship would last. This complicated, deeply devoted friendship that me and Mike had that teetered a little too close to be more. To be what I longed for.
But as the child I was I smiled and giggled along with Mike as he told me stories for our DND campaign. Mike could always make me laugh no matter what situation. He made me feel light and fluffy like I could fly. Mike made me feel many things that I didn’t want to feel, but I was too overjoyed to think about the repercussions that this would have on my life.
I already tried to nip the bud but my clippers weren’t working. I wasn’t strong enough to get away from Mike. On October 31 1984 I realized the horrible truth. I was gay and in love with my best friend. I could see this coming from a mile away, but the real devastating fact that broke me was that I couldn’t do anything about it. My hands were already tied. I couldn't just stop this.
Many people say being gay is a choice, but if it really was I wouldn’t choose this. I would never choose this option because the sinking feeling in my heart settled when I thought about it. When I thought about my gross disgusting feelings for Mike. I could be hurt or killed for being this way but everything went away when I saw Mike smile. All this guilt and worry were washed away as soon as my heart leaped into my chest looking at him.
But at night like always I would reflect on everything that happened that day. This horrible gnawing feeling that would rip my heart into pieces. I would push the guilt down praying for our world to change. But obviously it never really changed. As I slept at night there were always midnight dark eyes following me.
It was rainy that day. It was Summer and everything in my life had flipped upside down. Disappointment and jealousy flipped in my heart. Disappointment for being this way. Jealousy of not being what El was. Eleven, that was her name. The girl who saved me and the girl I had grown to care for. Even though in the depths of my heart I hated her, this hate could never be compared to the disgust and hatred I held toward myself.
It was never her fault for loving Mike. I could understand her in that way. He was a nice, caring, and creative person who held many talents. He was just so lovable so I couldn’t blame her for doing the exact same thing I was. But I knew it was different. Her love was normal, mine was not. It would never be.
This Summer I had to come to terms with the fact I was behind everyone. They all had girlfriends. Lucas had Max, Dustin had Suzie, and worst of all Mike had El. Sooner or later I would have to find a girlfriend and the feeling inside my heart sank at the feeling of betrayal I felt. I didn’t know why I felt like I was betraying Mike. I mean he didn’t even like me, but the real reason was because I felt like I was betraying myself.
I couldn’t make up more excuses as to why I didn’t find any girl attractive at school. They would find out soon rather than later that I couldn’t feel that way towards girls. I didn’t think they would be so mad at me for it anyways. I mean they always defended me to the bullies no matter how cruel they were. And I knew in their hearts they knew that there was some truth to this. But I would never expect the very same person who enjoyed these feelings within me to push the exact words I didn’t want to hear in front of my face.
It was August 8 of 1985 and that day everything came pouring down on me in gallons. Because I knew when I wasn’t welcome. I knew that everyone changed but I’d dint want to accept it. I wouldn’t let them push me around like they always did. I wouldn’t be some sort of punching bag for them just because their girlfriends left them.
“You’re destroying everything and for what? So you can swap spit with some stupid girl?”
“El’s not stupid, it’s not my fault you don’t like girls!”
My whole world crashed because whether or not I wanted to believe him or not, he was right. I didn’t like girls. But it was his fault that I didn’t like them. He was the reason.
In my head I knew even if he didn’t exist I still wouldn’t like girls. But my 14 year old mind didn't want to think of any implication where Mike wasn’t there. In that moment tears welled in my eyes as I stared at my longest friend. My best friend. The most important person to me. As he said, the one thing I never wanted to hear from someone.
I could tell he regretted what he said immediately but he couldn’t take it back. It was real and raw and made from pure emotion, but by god was it true. It was my biggest secret and what I was most ashamed of. Something that I didn’t want him to know. Something that I thought he had no clue about.
But as I biked away in the rain with my vision was blurring from tears or rain. I couldn’t even tell at that point. I ran to my safe place that was soaking wet.
There were pictures in there of everyone. I remembered what my world was really like before the upside down. Before everyone started treating me like I was broken. Before all this shame took over me. Before my life shattered right in front of my eyes.
“Stupid! Stupid!”
I screamed it over and over again trying to get my brain to stop replaying memories. Memories I couldn’t handle with the weight of the world on my shoulders. With the knowledge of knowing how different I was from everyone.
I grabbed for the bat in the corner as I ripped up the paper containing the best memories that were now tarnished in memories from the present. The present where all my friends left me in the past with my own trauma. I just wanted to get away from all of this. So I took the bat and started destroying it.
Destroying the fort that I once called the safest place in the world. The place that my brother helped me build when my dad left us. The place filled with so many memories I felt like I was suffocating in nostalgia. Nostalgia I didn’t want to feel because it was so different from the present.
The rain was still pouring but I couldn’t hear it under the thumping in my ears as I screamed in rage. Hitting my castle Byers over and over again. Not stopping, just pure force of rage built up for years. Rage because my dad left me with tormenting memories that would never go away. Rage for being the one who was taken. Rage for the fact I couldn’t change myself.
I was the only person who still wanted to be a kid whereas all my friends moved on. I was the only one stuck as a child pretending everything about my life was normal. I was the sensitive one always crying out because of the things I went through. I was a helpless crying child.
As I smashed castle Byers. Mike was on my mind like always. Like I felt like he would forever be. It was all his fault, I screamed in my head. Trying to shift the blame on to someone else. Pushing it down and praying was the only thing I was good for. But again his words and his guilt stricken face popped in my memory again.
It was sweltering hot that day. The air conditioner wasn’t working that well and we were in the middle of nowhere. Mike was sitting next to me like always. Our shoulders pressed together creating more heat, but I didn’t care. Instead of focusing on how we can help El out, I would focus on that one spit that our shoulders touched.
Me and Mike were on a pretty rocky spot. With not keeping in contact and fighting. But we made up in the end so I guess some of that makes up for it. I still held a grudge against him though. He wrote to my sister every single goddamn day but he couldn’t think of phoning me?
Now that El was my sister the guilt felt like it was drowning me. I mean how bad was it that I was in love with my sister’s boyfriend? The other part of me was saying how she knew him after I did. We were friends before she came along. Alas the guilt was always more powerful.
It felt like I was in the ocean with no swimming lessons in mind. I could barely breathe with how much I felt for Mike. So that’s why I made a painting for him. A painting that would symbolize my love for him. Giving him this painting would show how he had my love no matter what. Obviously I wouldn’t tell him I loved him straight up. I would just subtly hint a few things that might signal to him how important he was to me.
However, all those plans went in the trash when a whole string of messes made it seem like it wasn’t the most appropriate timing. With him ranting to me about his problems with his girlfriend and the fact his girlfriend was currently kidnapped.
I could tell by the look on his face how devastated he was by my sister's lack of affection towards him. I knew what I had to do but it killed me all the same. I had to do what was right for not only my best friend but my sister.
“These past few months she’s been so lost without you. It’s just she’s so different from other people, and when you’re-when you’re different sometimes you feel like a mistake. But you make her feel like she’s not a mistake at all, like she’s better for being different.”
Tears flowed freely from my face. I knew I did the right thing but it didn’t make anything any less painful. I felt like I was betraying myself. I was sacrificing my own nonexistent chances with Mike to rebuild their broken relationship. If it wasn’t for this speech I made, I knew they would probably break up. But I knew their love was forever.
They had this look of love about them. All those times they ditched us in the summer. All that wasted time I had to watch as they made out with each other. I would not waste all my suffering just for Mike to fall in love with another girl and repeat the cycle. At least if it was with my sister I could still be a part of his life. Even if it wasn’t what I longed for.
I knew that I was lying. Everything I said to him was true but they were my own love confession that I had dreamed of saying to him. I had written paragraphs on how I would confess to him knowing I would never have that courage. Still I was a dreamer. I never lied to Mike though. I was always honest but for his own sake I had to lie. I had to be the one to protect him from contracting this disease alongside me.
I could see the excitement and joy in Mike’s eyes when I told him it was from El. He was happy that she still loved him, they would still continue their relationship. And I would still shatter inside.
After wiping my tears away I decided taking a nap would be my best option. I could stop all these thoughts from attacking my heart. Pushing all those thoughts down and praying that Mike would never know the real truth of the painting. In my dreams this time I saw dark eyes looking into El’s, longingly.
It was getting colder that night. We finally found El but we were rushing out of time. We had to save Max and fast or she would die. So we found a tub she could be in. As El and Argyle were trying to stuff pizza down Mike’s throat. I could see the happiness radiating off of Mike and El from being reunited. I wanted to feel happy but all I could feel was red hot jealousy.
As me and Jonathan stuffed the salt into the tub I could feel his eyes on me. He definitely wanted to talk and I think I knew why. I felt like I was withering under his stare, knowing he knew my deepest darkest secret. The secret I swore I would take to the grave. He knew El didn’t commission that painting. I was locked in my bedroom for weeks finishing that for my “best friend” who didn’t even talk to me.
“I just-I don’t want you to forget that I’m here. And I’ll always be here. No matter what. Because you're my brother and I love you. And there is nothing in this world, absolutely nothing that will ever change that.”
A hug. That was all I needed. A hug that changed everything in my life because those were the exact words that I needed. I needed someone to know and accept me. I needed one person who knew the real me. And my brother was that person.
As tears slid down my face onto his shirt he held me tighter as he whispered the words ‘I love you’ into my jacket. These were the words I needed to hear, but what I needed most of all was someone telling me it was okay. I needed someone to say that it was ok to be who I was. But Jonathan didn’t understand the pressure and guilt of being different.
The pressure that I felt consumed by every single second of the day. I just wanted it all to stop. But as El, Mike, and Argyle ventured into our space I realized none of what I felt was important. We needed to save Max and that was what we were going to do.
El was someone who was special that I would never be able to measure myself up to because I wasn’t her. Maybe if I was a girl everything would be different. If I was a girl then Mike might have been able to love me like I loved him. If I was a girl then I would be normal for liking guys. I just wanted to be normal.
On the ride home as everything that happened in the last week drained all of us. I was glad that El saved Max but I was so exhausted. I pushed for Mike to tell El he loved her. It was really my fault that I was upset. Mike did what any boyfriend would do to their girlfriend. But what I really wanted was to have him as my boyfriend.
As I slept that night his soft delicate hands held mine as he told his DND story. His eyes conveyed happiness as a smile glossed his face. It was so ethereal I felt like I was going to collapse. I pushed the dream down, praying that one day maybe I could be normal. Like Mike and El.