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A pilot never leaves his ship. Joker remembers screaming this a few hours after the attack on the Normandy SR-1 and Shepard’s death. He also remembers Kaidan's answer: "The ship wasn't alive, Shepard was!"
In the early hours of morning, the words resonate in him. He shuts his eyes. It's only for a moment.
He sees Kaidan every day now, but he has been avoiding him so they haven't talked. Shepard is aware something is going on between the two of them, but is thankfully not meddling with the situation.
What would be the point of trying to fix something that is never going to be fixed?
Or so he thought.
The mission hasn't gone well today. And Kaidan, well, he was already in the hospital once, but now he's in Chakwas's medbay, gravely injured following an attack by a Brute.
Can't have regrets now. He can't content himself with what Shepard has told him (that Kaidan would be fine). He has to see him.
He clears his throat and tells EDI he's leaving the cockpit for a moment.
"I'll be back soon."
"Very well," she replies.
Her tone is gentle. He wonders how it's possible for her to be so gentle, so nice - being an AI who could kill everyone on board - but he figures it's a miracle. There are miracles in life and EDI is one of them. He wants to hug her before leaving, but he doesn't. Maybe later, when they're all alone.
Now, he's heading toward the elevator. He passes by Samantha, who nods at him. If she is surprised to see him, she doesn't show it.
When he gets out of the elevator and walks toward the medbay, no one pays attention to him. Chakwas welcomes him at the door. She seems...relieved he's there.
"Are you here to see him?" she asks.
She doesn't have to specify who the ‘him’ is.
"Yeah," he replies.
He coughs again. He's nervous; he can't help it.
"He's better now," she says. "I was worried for a while, but I managed to close his wounds."
"That's a good thing, right?"
She nods. He thinks she's used to worried people who can't register her words and their meanings.
She leads him to a bed on the far right of the medbay.
"Shepard just left," she says.
"Okay," Joker replies.
You're going to be alone with him, she means. He gets it.
He goes around the bed and moves the white curtains with one hand. The space is small. It feels intimate. There's one chair, the one Shepard left for other visitors. He sits on it.
That's when he sees him. Kaidan's eyes are closed, which make him look oddly vulnerable. The last time Joker has been that close to him was a few days ago, when he had been in the mess eating breakfast. Kaidan had been with Liara, who had automatically made her way to Joker's table. Kaidan had followed but Joker could see he had looked hesitant and even a bit unhappy.
It had made him angry.
He remembered what he thought at the time.
Who does he think he is? Can't even sit at a table with me. Screw him.
He had gotten up almost immediately, ignored the sharp pain in his leg, and had left, wishing a good day in Liara's direction.
It all seems so petty now.
"Hey," he whispers.
No answer. He's not waiting for one.
"It's been a while."
He starts talking. He talks for an hour. About everything. About nothing. He talks about missing his sister. He talks about what he saw in the Collector Base. He doesn't mention how Kaidan wasn't there. He talks about Shepard. How he worries about her, how he wishes he could do more. He talks about this funny movie he saw. He tells stories about the old crew, back when they were all Cerberus. I know you don't like Cerberus, but let me tell you about Kelly Chambers. She's something, man. The shit she said!
He talks about EDI, a little. He knows she can hear him so he's careful not to spill his whole guts, but he does tell Kaidan she makes him happy. Finally, he sighs.
"You gotta wake up, Kaidan," he says. "I'm not going to say that I miss you but..."
Shepard was alive. The Normandy wasn't.
"I'm sorry."
He gets up.
He half expects something dramatic to happen, like in those sappy movies he knows Jack likes to watch, where the person wakes up and there's this big reunion, but Kaidan's eyes are still closed.
Joker leaves the medbay.
Two days later, he hears from Shepard that Kaidan is awake and fully recovering. A day later, he's out of the medbay.
Joker doesn't go to see him this time. He stays in the cockpit. It's Kaidan who visits him, five days after he woke up.
He's a bit pale, but otherwise he seems fine. Joker stares at him as EDI gets up and tells them she's going to leave the two alone.
Kaidan thanks her as she leaves but he doesn't look at her once. He's focused on Joker, who is starting to feel awkward.
"What?" he asks.
This isn’t what he wants to say. He wants to say "hi" or something less rude. But words get out and sometimes it's too late to catch them.
"I heard you," Kaidan says.
Joker frowns. "Sorry?"
"While I was sleeping. Or in a coma, apparently. I heard you."
Joker catches his breath. This surprises him. He doesn't know why. He’s heard so many tales of people in comas who can hear others around them. It shouldn't be news to him.
His mouth hangs open and Kaidan chuckles.
"It wasn't that bad, don't make that face," Kaidan says.
Joker wants to shrug and fake a sort of careless attitude he isn't feeling. He doesn't.
"I meant everything. When I said-"
"That you were sorry?" Kaidan interrupts him.
"Yeah. I'm sorry."
No reply.
He starts to panic.
"Okay, well, this has been a great conversation, but I've got a ship to fly and-"
He turns his back on Kaidan. Another interruption. "Joker."
He slowly turns around. Isn’t sure he wants to hear what Kaidan has to say but he has to ask. "What?"
"I'm sorry, too."
It's his turn to stay silent. He never thought he would hear those words from Kaidan, and yet...
"You are?"
He sounds vulnerable.
Kaidan looks embarrassed.
"Yeah. I'm... I mean, I was ashamed, after. Of what I said to you. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I'm sorry. Really. And the fact that you apologized, when I should have been the one to apologize first, that means a lot."
"You're not... You're not angry at me?"
Kaidan shakes his head. "No. I had time to think about it. I can't be mad at my best friend forever, you know? Life's too short."
Best friend. They were, at the time. Goddamn. Joker has missed him so fucking much.
"Are you... Angry at me?" Kaidan asks.
"No! Of course not. But I thought you were. And you were right, you know. I should never have tried to stay."
Kaidan makes a gesture, as if to say stop. "It's in the past. I don't blame you. It happened. Now we're here, and we have a war to win, and we might... Well, you know what happened. We could all die in a blink. I don't want to die without fixing things between us. So, are we good?"
"Yeah," Joker replies immediately. "I'm so relieved, man. You have no idea."
Kaidan smiles and says, almost shyly: "So you told me all those stories. Maybe I should tell you some of mine. If you want to hear them?"
Joker can't wait to hear what he has to say.