Work Text:
I know it’s wrong.
I know it’s wrong, the way I think about you. The things I think about you. I never understood why I was never enough for you, but enough of something for you to treat me the way you do. Our friends tell me that I should hate you, for what you did to me. But I can’t help but love you more. I need you, and that's the bad part. The fact that I can't go a day without picturing it, picturing everything you’ve done. Maybe it’s because of your mind control, maybe it’s because I'm wrong in the brain. Everything you’ve done, I'm almost thankful? I wish I could tell you this, I wish I could tell anyone this. Of course I hate the outcome, I hate being like this but I can't help it. I'm dependent on you. How can I live without you?
Tavros shut his journal, looking around his room. It wasn’t the room he had grown comfortable in but, what can you do when you’re on a meteor? It was a total mess, and he would clean it if he didn’t feel totally exhausted. His room was always clean before he lost his ability to use his legs. He didn’t really know what to do in this situation. He has at this point realized that he's going through some big feelings and, like always, he doesn't really know how to deal with those. He could go with option 1: attempt to find someone who will actually listen to him rant, or option 2: sleep. Option 1 is probably the most difficult but, he's tired of being a coward and sleeping his emotions away. If he wants to get better, he's gonna have to face the facts. What facts exactly?
The fact that he isn't gonna get better just sitting around sobbing over a relationship he shouldn't even get in.
Actually, some things are easier said than done. Who would he even talk to? well , if he wants to get anywhere with this, he should probably talk to the source of these big feelings.
adiosToreador [AT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
AT: hEY, vRISKA
AG: Look who FINALLY decided to un8lock me! Are you over your little stunt?
AT: uHH, sORT OF? i WAS JUST, wONDERING, iF I COULD, uH, tALK TO YOU?
AT: iT IS, pRETTY IMPORTANT IN MY OPINION, wELL, aT LEAST, iT IS TO ME,,
AG: I mean, I guess? What are you gonna do? Tell me your secret perverted fantasies?
AT: nO, uHM, i DONT THINK I WILL?
AG: Okay, now you’re creeping me out.
AG: Can’t you just tell me whats up over trollian?
AT: wELL, uH, yES, i COULD BUT UH, i WOULD PREFER IF I COULD TALK TO YOU, fACE TO FACE,
AG: Well, if you insist. I know I'm like, super hot.
AT: yEAH, uH, sHOULD I JUST GO TO YOU OR, uH
AG: Yes Tavros! Jeez, you can 8e so stupid sometimes!
adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
This was probably a big mistake.
Wheeling himself out of his block and into Vriskas. It wasn't as much of a physical issue as it was a mental issue. He was really nervous, he wasn't sure if he could even go through with this. He honestly felt like he was gonna pass out, or throw up, or throw up then pass out. If he could feel his legs, he definitely wouldn't be able to at this moment. He only knows this because he couldn't feel his hands, which are basically his second feet. He managed to muster up just enough courage to push himself forward and into Vriska's meteor block. Once he entered he forgot how to breathe, he couldn't back down yet, he's in too deep. He managed to make a small sound to alert Vriska that he was in her block. She turned around to look at him.
“So you actually came, huh.” she said in a judgemental tone. “I thought you would end up wimping out” Walking over to Tavros who was just sitting there, staring at her. She looked down on him and kissed him. That sweet taste flooded his mouth again, he could feel his stomach drop. And instead of the stereotypical calming down when randomly getting kissed by someone you have feelings for, he tensed up even more, nearly tearing up. “Jeez dude, calm down” She pulled away. “Either you hate me THAT much or this is some serious shit you want to talk to me about.” He looked at her, his eyes wide. Wheeling into her block more so he would be comfortable. He tried some breathing exercises that.. someone taught him. He couldn't think properly right now. Even worse, he couldn't talk. This is stupid, he brought this upon himself. He wanted to face his fears. He wanted to get this off his chest. He wanted to deal with this, he wasn't a wriggler anymore, he was 6 sweeps old dammit! What would he even say to start this conversation? He didn't want to lie, he couldn't lie, why was it so hard to say he was dependent on her to function. Why is it so hard to say “I need you”
“What..” She flashed him a confused smile. “Oh jeez..” He clenched his stomach, there's no going back. No going back now. “If you have a flush crush on me you could've just texted me, I don’t get this whole big deal Nitram. Also, for future reference saying “I need you” is, really fucking creepy!” He was so tense before but now it was even worse. He was shaking, and trembling, it wouldn't be long before he..
Threw up.
“Ew! Ugh! Gross!!!!!!!! What is up with you Tavros! Now I'm gonna be washing your stupid bronze out of my clothes for SWEEPS!” She stepped back from him as he hurled into his hands, trying to limit the mess. “Just spit it out! And no I don't mean more vomit, smartass, I know what you're like. What's so important for you to say that it's making you puke!?” Once he finally finished throwing up he attempted to stutter out a sentence. Something. Anything. Anything to describe how he was feeling.
“V…Vriska-” She kicked him. “I can’t believe I'm actually giving you the time of day. You know, I didn’t think you were this much of a FUCKING perv! Jeez Tavros!” He looked at her, still feeling sick. “I am… not a pervert” She scoffed “Tavros, I don't think you're allowed to make that call for yourself.” “Vriska..” She looked down on him, she was always so intimidating. “Hurry up, toreador.” His body went into a cold sweat but he will power through. He has to power through. For himself. “I hate you..” She mockingly held her hand to her ear. “Whaaaaaaaat did you say? I couldn't hear it over your wimpy sniffling.” Taking deep breaths in and out, he responded. “I hate you.” Vriska's face looked almost surprised? “So, are you finally ready to stand up to me or something? If you try to kill me I won’t back down.” He looked back and forth between her and the floor. “No, I don’t think I'm anywhere near confident enough to fight you” She scoffed. “So then what are you trying to say toreadork?” He looked away, what he was about to say was the most shameful thing he ever thought. “This is wrong.”
“What is?”
“Me, you, whatever you want to call us, it’s wrong”
“What are you getting at?”
“I hate you, you know that right.”
“You just said it three times, yes I know. I hate you too. Are you getting off on me hating you.”
“That’s…that’s not it, no.”
“Okay, so what's up, I hate you, you hate me.”
“I.. I think I love you. But like, not redrom, like, that but unhealthy. It's like, I need you in my life for me to keep going. I'm, dependent on you.”
“This is really creepy, Tavros.”
“I know that, I know its creepy”
“Is that all you wanted to tell me? Tell me about your little fantasies, how you cant live without me?”
“Well, yes, I guess that was what I was here to tell you, yes.”
“Im not filling any of your nasty quadrants.”
“I know, I don't want you to, thats, the last thing I would ever want.”
“So are you just gonna have this parasocial relationship with me? Are you gonna follow me around, tell me how much you need me to go on, while I fuck with you.”
“I guess so..”
“That’s fucked up.”
“Aren’t, we both?”
“You could almost say we’re similar. But we aren’t, I’ll never be like you.”
“Even you don't deserve that”
“Was all that just for this?”
“It was originally, yes”
“So what's the new plan then?”
“Vriska, I…I think I am going to kill myself”
“When.”
“Well, I mean, I don’t know when, I don’t even know if I’ll do it, but I really want to.”
“Tell me when you’re gonna do it so I can watch.”
“I guess I will”
“Do you want my two cents?”
“Uhm, preferably yes..”
“Get over it, how’d this even start? Because I paralyzed you a few sweeps ago? Or was it the mind control thing, because I’ll admit, that one time I kissed you could have fucked you up but, I don’t think it would have these affects to THIS DEGREE.”
“It was partially you,”
“Then what's the other part?”
“The other part is just me. I really am, disgusting.”
“Awwwwwwww, no, you’re not disgusting Tavros! You’re vile and repulsive. You’re a wimpy bitchboy and I can’t believe we were cursed with your presence. Get it right, dumbass.”
“Jeez,”
“Didn’t you just tell me you like when I’m mean?”
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“Well I interpreted it that way! The curtains were blue Nitram.”
“That is a creepy way to interpret what I said”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t compare me and you, I am nothing like you.”
“Why are you so against the idea of us being alike?”
“Because unlike you, I actually put effort into the things I do. I don’t complain when I'm hurt, I deal with it. I don’t beg for pity. You know, you deserved everything I've put you through. This is all YOUR fault. You can whine and cry to your friends online but we both know that you can’t walk because YOU are weak, you obsess over me because YOU’RE creepy, you’re pathetic because YOU choose to be, you want to kill yourself because of the things YOU did to yourself.”
He was speechless, He looked at her surprised. If he had the courage, if he was brave, if he could do it, he would lunge, he would lunge at her. He would get his revenge. He would beat her cerulean the same way she had done in the past. He wasn't a violent person, it took everything in him to tell Vriska he hated her. These bad thoughts flooded through his mind, telling him to attack, telling him that she deserved it. She doesn't. She doesn't deserve this. She deserved a better life. So instead of tackling, instead of yelling, instead of hurting. He was hurt, and as his eyes welled up with tears, as they fell down, the bronze liquid framed an ugly face. And for once, only once, she felt like a kid again. Her first time hurting, her first time hurting someone and getting those bad thoughts, she wanted to hate him. She wanted to yell and scream. Call him a loser, call him disgusting, call him pathetic for crying. But she knew deep down that she would be calling herself those words, and she was anything but like him. So she stood there, watching as the boy she hurt sobbed and cried for the same reasons she had when she was so young.
And now, she was the speechless one, unable to talk, she was paralyzed, she couldn’t walk. If she was brave, if she had the courage. She would apologize. For every mean thing she said to him. For everything she's ever done to him. She would help him, but she couldn't. Because she is a pathetic, disgusting, vile, repulsive, cowardly wimp. She is a curse, and she knows this.
He didn't know why he was crying, why the tears wouldn't stop, he knows he could never act on those bad thoughts, he knew he never could. He was a coward. He wished that he could. No, he wished he didn’t have those thoughts, or the possibility to have them. He really, really wanted to die. Right then and there, in Vriska's block, covered in his own vomit, a cold sweat, sobbing. In front of the girl he just told everything to. All he wanted to do was die. All he felt was pain, physical and mental. Gasping for air in between loud, violent sobs as a bruise formed on his side from when Vriska kicked him. He couldn't feel his legs but if he could, he knew they would be aching and wobbly.
She didn’t know what to say, what to do. She couldn't apologize, she would be too much like him. Oh, how she's grown to HATE him. She was the most jealous girl in the world, and she was most jealous of Tavros Nitram. Nobody hated him, he had a loving lusus, he had friends, and it was never fair. Why couldn't she get that? She deserved that. She deserved love more than anyone. “Shut up.” Her voice came out shaky, almost scared, scared of what she has become. He looked up at her. “W..what?” His sobs went quiet. She wanted to get mad, she wanted to yell and scream and tell him to shut up, to leave and go die in a ditch, get killed in a place where nobody, absolutely nobody, could hear him scream. “Shut up!” Her voice wavered,like she was unsure of what she was saying. “I…if all you’re gonna do is sob in MY block then get out!”
“I can't stand you! Why, why are you like this!? Why do you still forgive me!? Your head is messed up Nitram. You shouldn't love me, you shouldn't depend on me! I know this is my fault but it's yours too! I am so UGH! I am so tired of you! Why do you still try? Why are you doing this to me!? Why are you putting all the guilt on me? Why… why do i agree with so many things you say. You're disgusting, nobody could ever love you and the people who say they love you are lying!”
And like his bad thoughts, she lunged, she beat him bronze until he passed out.
She was right.
They are not the same.
Not even similar.
And they never will be.
But right now, all she really wanted to do was kill herself.
Right here. Right now.
And so she cried, like the little girl she once was.