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In many ways, it was a perfectly normal day. The sun was shining and the sky was blue and blotted with few clouds. There was a soft breeze that gently pushed the branches on nearby trees and carried a fresh scent.
It truly was a perfect day.
It was perfect for Giyuu Tomioka for a different reason.
He adjusted his kanata against his hip one last time before stepping out of his estate. He walked quietly down the dirt road towards the Demon Slayer Headquarters.
Today there was a Hashira meeting, he hadn’t attended any in a long time. He actually couldn’t remember the last time he showed up to a Hashira meeting, and the reason was simple; Despite what anyone says or thinks he isn’t the real Water Hashira, he had no right to be called a Hashria, and even less of a right to stand among them.
He was sure they agreed.
As he approached the headquarters building he could hear the Hashira, talking and laughing amongst themselves as they waited for their master to make his appearance.
Giyuu stepped into the garden making as little noise as possible to not bring any attention to himself, he hoped everyone was distracted enough that they didn’t even notice he showed up.
“Look who finally showed up,” he heard the Sound Hashira say, because of course nothing in his life could ever be easy.
Gyuu didn’t respond, he just went off to the corner of the garden far from the others; it is where he was meant to be. Suddenly the garden was quiet and Giyuu noticed all the attention was on him.
“You gonna say anything?” Sanemi huffed.
“I have nothing to say,” Giyuu replied, his tone flat.
This seemed to only piss Sanemi off, “Arrogant bastard,” he spat.
“You could at least have said hello,” Tengen added.
“Sorry,” Giyuu replied, so quietly it was unlikely any of the Hashira past Tengen would have heard him.
“You gotta speak up Tomioka,” Tengen told him as he started making his way to Giyuu.
Giyuu wanted to run, but he kept himself firmly planted in place. He couldn’t understand why Tengen was pestering him, what he or any of the others could have got from being in his presence.
He couldn’t understand why they didn’t treat him like the failure he was. A fake Hashira, a worthless swordsman.
Once Tengen was close enough he draped his arm over Giyuu's shoulders and pulled him towards the group of Hashira. All amazing swordsmen and women in their own right, Giyuu shouldn’t be standing here.
“So, what made you decide to show up today, Tomioka?” Shinobu asked.
Giyuu shrugged.
“That’s not much of an answer,” Shinobu sighed.
“She’s right!” Kyojuro boomed, entering the conversation, “We haven’t seen you in months, Tomioka.”
Giyuu's gaze drifted down to his feet. Why did they care if he was there? Did they not realize he wasn’t supposed to be here right now, he shouldn’t be here at all.
“Well?” Sanemi pressed.
“I don’t know,” Giyuu replied.
“So you just decided to show up?” Sanemi continued.
“I guess.”
This seemed to just piss the Wind Hashira off more. He took a step towards Giyuu and got in his face, “You better stop acting like you're better than us, especially when your ass can’t even show up to a meeting.”
Giyuu never saw himself as better than the others, he was less than them in every way. So, he figured it would be easy to heed Sanemi’s request.
“Hey, lay off him a little, Shinazugawa,” Tengen said, putting a hand between the Wind Hashira and supposed Water Hashira.
“He is right, the master will be here soon,” Gyomei added.
Luckily, Sanemi does as he is told, muttering under his breath he backs away and finds Obanai. Giyuu notices them glaring at him, and he knows they are whispering about him when they go back to talking.
Giyuu broke off from the group again, finding a quiet place away from everyone to wait for the arrival of their master.
Giyuu watched the Hashira. Watched as they spoke to each other, about missions about the current state of things. Giyuu wasn’t sure if i wanted that, if he wanted to be a part of the group, if he wanted to be included.
Maybe there was a part of him that did, but there was a bigger part of him that demanded he kept people away.
Being close to people only brought pain, that is what Giyuu learned at his Final Selection, as he watched Sabito get crushed by a demon far too strong for the prospective slayers there.
He wished Sabito had lived, Sabito would be the Water Hashira, the true Water Hashira, not a place holder like him. Sabito would get along with the others and they would be friends.
Sabito should be here right now.
Giyuu is pulled from his thoughts when he hears the voices of the master's daughters announcing his appearance.
Giyuu finally, willingly joined the others. He knelt on the pebbled ground, his head low.
“I’m pleased to see you here, my child,” Giyuu hears Kagaya say and he knows the words are directed at him.
“I’m sorry, master,” Giyuu replies, unsure of what else to say.
Kagaya seemed to accept the response because after that he began the meeting proper. Giyuu listened. He listened as the other Hashira talked of their successes, and complained about the current quality of slayers. Giyuu said very little, he spoke briefly about demon activity in the area he was assigned to patrol and his recent missions.
He didn’t want to take up more space than he had the right to.
Once the meeting ended, the Hashira went back to talking to each other.
Giyuu took his leave, there was no longer a reason for him to be there.
He walked back to his estate alone, and quiet just as he had on his way to headquarters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day slowly passed by, Giyuu spent the rest of it alone in his estate.
He always spends his days alone here, but today was different. Right now he was waiting, not for any one person but for the right time. But now as the sun was about to go down, Giyuu sighed to himself and walked across the room and grabbed his katana, before returning to the middle of the room.
Giyuu finally decided tonight would be the day he took his own life.
He went to the Hashira meeting to see the others one last time just to be sure, but leaving he felt more assured he was making the right decision then he had before.
Giyuu had lived so many years in pain, losing his parents then his sister and losing Sabito, everyone Giyuu held dear he could never protect them.
He considered for a moment writing a note, but decided against it because there would be no one to read it.
He pulled his kanata from its scabbard, the setting sun reflecting off its sharpened blade. A blade that had taken the heads off many demons. It was ironic that he would be using the same sword to end his own life.
He brought the blade against his pale neck, took a single deep breath in and with determination, slashed his own throat.
Slumped to the floor, the wound on his neck was painful. His floor slowly stained red as he bled out, and for once, Giyuu didn’t feel sad and empty. He wasn’t sure happy was the word he would use, no it was more like relief.
It was getting hard for him to breath, and he slowly let his eyes close knowing soon he would be able to see everyone he lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The last thing Giyuu ever expected was to open his eyes and see the ceiling of the Butterfly Mansion.
He moved his head to the side, but stopped exhaling sharply at the sudden sharp pain that shot through his neck..
Giyuu remembered what had happened, he tried to kill himself, he was supposed to be dead but he wasn’t, he’s alive. He could have cried.
Then he heard a door open, followed by the sounds of someone approaching his bed. He would have moved to see who it was, but he knew any movement would hurt.
“Tomioka, you’re awake,” he heard Shinobu say, she sounded almost relieved.
He didn’t say anything, he just blinked slowly.
“You almost died,” Shinobu now sounded more angry than anything.
“That was the point,” Giyuu rasps.
Then the room is quiet.
“You lost a lot of blood,” there is no more familiarity in Shinobu’s voice it had become pragmatic. “You were also out for two days. The wound on your neck has been stitched up, don’t move too much, I don't want you to tear them.”
“Okay.”
“There’s a lot we need to talk about Tomioka.”
Giyuu doesn’t respond to Shinobu, he knows it’s just going to be another lecture, one he really isn't in the mood for. Right now he is just tired, which is surprising considering he had apparently been asleep for two whole days.
The rest of Shinbou’s time in the room was quiet as she looked Giyuu over.
“Is there anything you need before I leave Tomioka?” Shinobu asks him.
He slowly shakes his head.
Shinobu sighs, “if you need anything, call for the girls.”
Then Shinobu left the room leaving Giyuu alone.
He laid in his bed staring up at the ceiling. His throat ached from where he slashed it, the pain was a reminder of another failure in his life. How could he never even kill himself?
He felt tears prick his eyes as they started falling down his cheeks.
Is this all he is doomed to be, a failure who can’t do anything right?
Sabito would be utterly disappointed in him.
Giyuu was utterly disappointed in himself.
For now he closed his eyes letting himself drift off to sleep again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giyuu wasn’t sure where he was, it was just a vast field stretching far beyond what he could see. He took a tentative step forward, followed by another, until he was wandering rather aimlessly. Then he stopped, he looked up to the clear blue sky above him.
“Giyuu,” he turned when he heard his name called.
Standing behind him was Sabito, his peach colored hair the same way Giyuu recalled it being all those years ago.
“Sabito,” Giyuu stumbled forward as he tried to reach his friend.
When he did, Sabito didn’t look happy to see him, his gaze was sad, it was filled with pain and pity.
“Sabito,” Giyuu repeated, as he reached out to grab him.
Sabito just took a step back, putting distance between the two. Giyuu figured it was his fault that he had done something wrong to upset Sabito, maybe Giyuu was no longer worthy of their friendship.
“Giyuu,” Sabito’s voice was soft and reflected the pity in his gaze.
Then Sabito reached forward and gently brushed his fingers against Giyuu’s neck, the same area he had slashed when he tried to kill himself.
“Why’d you do that?” Sabito asks him.
“Because I can’t keep doing this,” Giyuu voice breaks, he doesn’t see a reason to hide the truth from Sabito. “Everyday I… I can’t do it anymore, Sabito.”
“Don’t say that,” Sabito chastised him. “Did you forget what I told you?”
Giyuu brought his hand to his cheek, “no.”
“You need to keep living Giyuu Tomioka,” Sabito told him steadfastly.
Giyuu wanted to disagree, he wanted the pain to end, he wanted it to be over, he wanted to be with Sabito again. But he didn’t say anything, he just nodded.
“Good,” Sabito smiled at him. “Keep living Giyuu Tomioka. Stay strong and keep living.”
Giyuu sat up in bed, gripping the blanket that had been draped over him. He cried in loud ugly sobs. The healing wound on his throat stung at each lurch forward, but he couldn’t stop himself. He hadn’t cried like this in years, hadn’t cried like this since he lost Sabito.
The door to his room slid open and someone stepped in, Giyuu was sure it was Shinobu, but he couldn't fully tell through his tears.
“Tomioka, what's wrong, what happened?” He heard Shinobu asking him.
He couldn’t reply, the only sound that came from his mouth was heart wrenching sobs.
Then he felt a warm liquid begin to drip down his neck.
He heard Shinobu cursed under her breath before putting a hand on his back. “Giyuu, I need you to calm down, you tore your stitches.”
Giyuu didn’t even realize Shinobu had used his first name as he tried to calm himself. He breathed in then out slowly, he should be good at this, he had mastered Total Concentration Breathing, but it still took a while before he stopped sobbing, however his tears did not stop.
Once he was calm Shinobu gently pushed him down on the bed and rolled him to the side, he heard her inhale sharply as she removed the bandages that had been covering his wound. “This is going to sting,” she told him, her voice warm and kind.
Giyuu hissed when he felt the needle pierce his skin. It didn't hurt as much as the actual injury but enough that he still reacted.
“I’ve never seen this side of you before, Tomioka,” Shinobu commented as she stitched his neck, “You’re usually so stoic.”
Giyuu didn’t reply, he didn’t know what to tell Shinobu, he didn’t even know this side of him even existed.
“I guess it's a unique situation,” she mused.
“Yeah,” Giyuu mumbled.
After Shinobu finished the final stitch she left the room for a moment returning with a damp cloth, she carefully cleaned up blood up from Giyuu’s neck making sure to not get the stitches wet. Once his neck was clean and dry Shinobu banged him up again.
“Can I ask why you did it?” Shinobu suddenly asks him.
“Did what,” Giyuu responds, playing dumb.
“Why did you try to kill yourself, Giyuu?” she asked, using his first name again.
He swallowed nervously, “I’ve wanted to die for a while I guess.”
“Why didn’t you talk to anyone?”
“What would I say?”
“I don’t know, something, we would have listened.”
Giyuu knew Shinobu meant the other Hashria, he was sure that someone may have listened, probably not Sanemi or Obanai, but he also didn’t deserve that.
“I don’t have the right to burden the Hashira with my problems.”
“You’re a Hashira,” she said, as if reminding him.
“No,” Giyuu quickly replies,”I’m not.”
Shinobu placed a hand on his shoulder, “I don’t know what you mean, last I heard our Water Hashira is you Tomioka Giyuu.”
“I don’t deserve to be the Water Hashira,” Giyuu replied steadfast in his decision,
Shinobu sighed, “I don’t know what that’s about, but clearly that conversation is going nowhere. But,” she gently pulled Giyuu so he was laying on his back, she then grabbed his arm and pulled his sleeve up causing Giyuu to quickly pull his arm back.
“Hiding it won’t help, Tomioka, we already saw the scars,” Shinobu explained. “Why?”
Giyuu looked at the thin pale scars that crossed his upper arm then uttered only one word, “Punishment.”
“What does that mean?”
“To punish myself for everything,” Giyuu clarifies.
Shinobu frowns, “You may be too harsh on yourself.”
Giyuu pulled his sleeve down, “I don’t think I am.”
Shinobu sighs again, “If anything you’re at least just as stubborn as always. But it’s late, and you need your rest, we’ll talk more later.”
Giyuu didn’t say anything as he watched Shinobu stand up and head to the door of the infirmary. “Rest well Tomioka,” she said before leaving the room.
Giyuu was again laying in his bed alone, staring up at the ceiling, until he eventually closed them, heading into a dreamless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giyuu opens his eyes again, the morning sun is slipping through the window beside his bed. He turns just enough to see it, the day is so lovely. He knew he could move and head outside to enjoy the sun, but he felt it was better that he stayed in bed. He wasn’t sure who else was around the Butterfly Mansion and he didn’t want to upset anyone.
“I don’t know if he’s awake yet,” Giyuu heard the familiar voice of Aoi say.
“If he is still asleep I shall wait until he wakes up!” he hears the loud and very unmistakable voice of Kyojuro.
Then the door to the infirmary is pulled open, “Oh, Good! Tomioka, you're awake.”
Giyuu blinks at Kyojuro. He isn’t sure why the Flame Hashira is here and why he seems interested in seeing him.
“May we have some time alone?” Kyojuro asks Aoi.
“Only for a bit,” she replies, sounding annoyed.
The door is closed again and Kyojuro comes up to Giyuu’s bedside and sits next to it. “I’m happy to see you’re alive.”
Giyuu remains silent, unsure of what to say.
“When I found you, I was certain you were dead,” Kyojuro's voice was suddenly somber, “There was blood everywhere, you were cold and barely breathing.”
“Sorry,” Giyuu breathed.
“Do not apologize, I am just happy you are okay,” Kyojuro told him. “You should also thank your crow he was the one who altered me to you, if he hadn’t and someone found you even a bit later you would have died.”
“Oh,” Giyuu suddenly felt guilty, he never wanted to upset Kanzaburo. Despite everything he did care deeply about the old Kasugai Crow.
“You scared us, Tomioka.”
“Sorry,” Giyuu whispered.
“I don’t know what led you to make such a decision, and I am sure Kocho has already lectured you about this.”
Giyuu nods slowly.
“If you ever feel like that again, please reach out to me,” Kyojuro was nearly pleading with Giyuu. “I know we are not close, but I don’t want you to feel alone.”
Giyuu gripped the blanket covering him, he wanted to tell Kyojuro to not bother with him, that he wasn’t worth the worry, that he wasn’t worth the time. “I’ll try,” he mumbles.
“Tomioka,” Kyojuro presses, “I mean it, anytime, I am willing to listen if I can.”
“Thank you,” Giyuu replies. He is grateful that Kyojuro is willing to be worried about someone as unworthy as him, especially when Kyojuro was such a busy person.
Kyojuro sat with Giyuu a bit longer talking about nothing important, but it made Giyuu feel good. It reminded him of when Sabito was alive, when he wasn’t as alone in the world when things felt somewhat fair.
But eventually Kyojuro has to leave.
“I will hopefully see you soon and well,” Kyojuro told Giyuu as he was leaving the room.
“Hopefully,” Giyuu echos.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the next few days Giyuu is kept in the Butterfly Mansion. Some of the other Hashira visit him, they tell him the same thing, to talk to them if he ever feels that way ever again. Even Obanai turned up to offer words of encouragement.
The last to visit him was Sanemi.
It was an awkward meeting.
“That was pretty fucking stupid,” Sanemi eventually said.
“I know,” Giyuu had been told many times before, although in much nicer ways.
“I had no idea you felt that way,” Sanemi rubbed the back of his neck, “when Rengoku told us what happened I was pretty shocked.”
“Sorry to cause so many problems.”
“No that's not it,” Sanemi sighs. “Is that why you came to the meeting?”
“What?”
“The Hashira meeting, did you come because you planned on killing yourself,” Sanemi asked quite directly.
Giyuu was quiet for a moment then nodded slowly, “Yeah.”
“Not to even ask for help, just to be there.”
Giyuu nodded again, “it felt like the right thing to do.”
“That’s kinda fucked up. You finally show your face at a meeting all because you were gonna kill yourself?”
Giyuu turned his gaze away from Sanemi in shame. The Wind Hashira was correct, it was fucked up and rather selfish of him, but it was a decision he could not quite explain either.
“Whatever” Sanemi huffs, “Don’t do something this stupid ever again, you got everyone all worked up over this.”
“I won’t,” Giyuu replied, but they are words he does not quite believe when he says them.
“You better not,” Sanemi stood up and started towards the door, “I mean it Tomioka.” Sanemi then left the room leaving Giyuu alone and unsure of what to make of the visit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giyuu stays in the Butterfly Mansion as his cut heals. He probably could have gone home days ago but Shinobu didn’t trust him on his own, and Giyuu didn’t blame her, he didn’t quite trust himself either.
Even with what everyone had said to him the urge was still there. He still didn’t belong among the Hashira. Maybe nothing had changed except the way the Hashira will view him going forward.
Someone weak who couldn’t even kill himself properly.
The door to the infirmary slid open, “good morning Tomioka,” Shinobu greeted.
She came to see him everyday, despite the fact she must have been busy with not many other things.
She sat on the chair beside his bed, “I'm taking your stitches out today.”
Giyuu nods and lays on the bed, allowing Shinbo to remove the bandages, then she carefully cuts each stitch and removes the excess thread.
“You’re going to have a nasty scar on your neck going forward,” she told him.
Giyuu sat up in the bed and rubbed his hand against his new scar noting the difference in the texture it had compared to his skin. To him it was going to be a reminder, a reminder of all the bad things he is.
“I hope you never see you here for this reason ever again,” Shinobu’s tone is sharp.
Giyuu nods, it’s a lie because he can’t promise he won’t try again, but hopefully when he does he manages to succeed.
“No more harming yourself either,” she adds, “You’re not Shinazugawa.”
Giyuu again nods, and again it is a lie.
“I don’t know what you’ve experienced,” Shinobu begins, “But we’ve all lost someone, we’ve all had our fair share of hardships. You aren’t alone Tomioka.”
“I know,” that had been the thing Giyuu was told the most over these past weeks, always in a different way but it was said regardless, he wasn’t alone.
“You’re officially free to leave now,” Shinobu tells him, “I hope to see you at the next Hashira meeting as well.”
“I’ll try,” Giyuu replies, not promising anything.
“Take care of yourself Tomioka, I’ll have the girls bring you your change of clothes, we managed to wash the blood from your haori.”
That last part made Giyuu happy, if he had to continue living he would like to live knowing he had his haori that held the memory of those he had lost in life.
When Giyuu stepped out of the Butterfly Mansion he looked up to the sky which was clear and blue, the same as the day he tried to himself, a day he wanted to be perfect, but he had survived because Kyojuro found him before he bled out.
Despite everything, Giyuu decided he would live for now. As a Demon Slayer he knew he could die any day to a demon that did not scare him, in some ways it was a comfort. He couldn’t promise anyone he wouldn’t hurt himself again, he couldn’t promise he wouldn’t try and kill himself again, but he would keep that truth to himself.
Giyuu began the trek back to his estate, quiet as he always was.