Chapter Text
[4:05 pm]
‘the real housewives of hawkins’
batman: who has hbo
batman: anyone?
bigbyers: HBO?
bigbyers: The streaming site?
batman: no the company
bigbyers: Nancy's mom has HBO. I can send you the login?
robin: jonathan why do you have nancy's mother's hbo login information?
bigbyers: Uh. We used to date?
batman: …
robin: …
eddified: are we whispering?
bigbyers: I don't think so?
robin: WHEN DID YOU BREAKUP?????
[4:25pm]
direct message
robin: ARE YOU HEARING THIS
batman: yea
robin: I HAVE A SHOT
robin: i might
robin: I might HAVE AN ACTUAL SHOT WITH NANCY FUCKING WHEELER
batman: are you clicking your heels together and doing victory laps?
robin: is there any other appropriate reaction?
batman: no thats pretty much how i reacyted too
[4:28pm]
'the real housewives of hawkins'
bigbyers: Uh. I don't know?
batman: what do you mean toy dont knwo?
eddified: byers did you hit your head and forget?
bigbyers: No, it just… I don't know.
argy: wait you used to date nancy?
nancywheels: Please tell me you're joking. Or high.
argy: haa
eddified: high
argy: hi :)
eddified: hi argyle
argy: hii :)
nancywheels: We broke up when he left for California.
bigbyers: No we didn't
bigbyers: We just… stopped talking as much… And then I realized I couldn't go to college with her, and we never really talked about it so we never officially broke up
argy: wait does this mean ur still dating
argy: duuuude that would be so messed up
nancywheels: No, we are definitely not still dating.
bigbyers: Yeah. That ship has sailed
eddified: hey are you hearing this, harrington? you still have a shot
nancywheels: The only thing getting shot will be you, Eddie.
batman: yeahhhhh
bigbyers: Anyway, the email is [email protected] and the password is Nancymikeholly-83
nancywheels: What are you planning on watching on my mom's HBO?
batman: there's this new sprots sohw tha ti wann wantch
robin: wow, that was almost comprehensible
eddified: gross, sports shows
batman: idk its based off a book so i want want it
argy: has the purple palm tree delight relieved me of my ability to read or has steve transcended our mortal need for communication?
bigbyers: He's had one too many concussions
nancywheels: Steve, since when do you read?
batman: i read
robin: not counting the backs of movies or magazine catalogues
nancywheels: Or whatever headlines you see on the front page of Google as you type in "pornhub.com".
eddified: and reading tiktok captions don't count either
batman: okay 1st of all i use instagram reels
eddified: thats somehow worse
batman: and second of all i DO read. actually
batman: distin mage me book
robin: what?
batman: DUSTIN GAVE ME A BOOK
robin: oh wow a whole book, how kind of him to help those in need
batman: MEAN
batman: its dnd book
batman: has beats and mosnters
eddified: is THAT where my 4th eddition bestiary went???
batman: you know
batman: i was wondering why it had yuor name in it
batman: i like the lyrics over the lich
bigbyers: He's been reading books
robin: why are you defending him?
bigbyers: No, I'm not. I'm just saying I know he's been reading. I sent him a few books in the mail and I send him stuff to read all the time
batman: oa ctttly havent gott them las books you sendt me
robin: AUTOCORRECT. PLEASE STEVE I AM ACTUALLY BEGGING
batman: I ACTUALLY HAVENT GOTTEN THE LAST BOOKS YOU SENT ME
batman: jesus christ, i swear
batman: READ THE WORDS I AM SAYING
eddified: baby we are trying but you have to actually say the words for us to read them
batman: fuck you all
batman: im going to read jonathan's last book
nancywheels: What books are you even sending him, Jonathan?
bigbyers: Normal ones.
bigbyers: Tender is the Flesh, Rainbow Boys, Murderbot, Mickey 7, and Frankenstein
eddified: waaait tender is the flesh is so good
eddified: murderbot too. are you gonna watch the show?
bigbyers: I don't know, maybe. My mom was watching it the other week and I didn't like some of the stuff they changed, but I really like that one actor
bigbyers: The one from Late Nights with the Devil
eddified: awwww good taste, byers
nancywheeler: Steve, have you actually been reading these books?
batman: no
batman: i ahvent got any of those yet
batman: but im reading the charm offensive right now
batman: its pretty funny
robin: wait.
robin: jonathan byers is mailing steve harrington fanfic with the vin numbers filed off???
batman: he tects me fanfic links too
batman: theres a lot of good porn there
eddified: WHAT
nancywheels: Tell you're joking.
batman: uhhhhhhhh
nancywheels: What fanfic is Jonathan sending you?!?
bigbyers: Can we drop this?
robin: NO
eddified: NO FUCKING WAY
batman: uhhhh. here ill send a sfew
batman: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5840773
batman: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35285653
eddfied: neither of those are porn
bigbyers: Come on guys
batman: wait im getting there
batman: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34947031
robin: YOU'RE SENDING STEVE GAY PORN?!?!!?
nancywheels: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
eddified: bwahahahahahahahahahahahhaa
eddified: OHH YM GODDDDDDAHHWHAHAHAHAHAHHA
bigbyers: HE ASKED
batman: its not actually pornt thos
batman: its jsut words
nancywheels: That still counts as erotica.
eddified: it still counts if youre getting off to it
batman: really??
eddified: are you?
robin: DO NOT ANSWER THAT
bigbyers: Thank god
batman: oh fuck i should not be watcching this at work
eddified: what??
nancywheels: Watching what??
batman: my sports show on hbo
bigbyers: Why not?
batman: i THOUGHT it was about hockey but theres someother stuff too
robin: what other stuff, steven?
batman: noooo man you guys are gonna make fun of me more not haknnyo
batman: no thank you
nancywheels: Is it really so hard to just read your messages before you send them?
batman: yes it is
[7:30pm]
'which could mean nothing'
argy: wait so we're trying to get him laid but we're not supposed to ask about his jerking off?
robin: there are some things i just do not need to know
nancywheels: We're trying to get him laid WITHOUT us in the room.
argy: oh really?
bigbyers: Did you think we would be in the room?
argy: yeah
argy: peanut gallery
argy: haha
bigbyers: No, man…
argy: dang :(
[10:00pm]
direct message
Karren Wheeler: Why are there three new profiles on my HBO…
nancywheels: I'm so sorry, Mom.