Chapter Text
Steve struggled to keep his eyelids open as he pulled into the high school to pick up the kids. He took a glance in the mirror as he waited and sighed at the deepening dark circles under his eyes. His face looked hollow at this point but there wasn't much to do. He straightened his hair and plastered on a smile as he saw Dustin and the others approaching.
"Holy shit you look like crap!" Dustin exclaimed swinging his bag and body into the car with a thump.
"How kind Henderson," Steve scoffed, ruffling the boy's curly hair as the other kids piled in the back seat
"No seriously dude, when's the last time you slept?" Max asked eyeing him with a knowing look.
"Don't worry about me kid, I'm sleeping fine. Just working more, gotta fuel you kids growing appetites," he joked, starting the car.
As Steve drove the kids to the Wheeler's house he could feel Dustin eyeing him with concern, not joining in on the chatter in the backseat. He pulled into the driveway parking the car shouting "Have fun kids!" as they scrambled into the house. With the other's racing ahead Dustin took a second before closing his door.
"Seriously dude, you okay? You look rough."
"Dustin quit worrying, seriously I've just been working more, getting out of the house with Robin. I always lose track of time when I'm not carting you kids around," he said with what he hoped was a lightweight chuckle.
"Mhm," Dustin murmured with a suspicious look as he swung the door closed waving goodbye to Steve.
Steve got home after work and threw himself on the couch groaning. Robin had also been full of concern and offered to put off her weekend trip with Vickie to stay with him which he immediately was against. He had told her to have fun and reassured her he was fine just had been up late getting too absorbed in other things. She seemed skeptical but wasn't able to question him more as customers came in looking for help.
He drug himself up stumbling to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and pain meds. His head was in constant pain but it was always worse when he was home. With his parent's gone it was always deathly quiet allowing the constant ringing in his left ear to be blaringly loud. He knew he should get it checked out. Considering the fights, concussions, and well, whole Russians beating him up situation it would make sense something could've gotten messed up. He shrugged the thought off trying to convince himself it was just residual and would go away. Besides even if it didn't, it wasn't anything that mattered in the grand scheme of things.
After getting himself up the stairs and showering Steve plopped down on his bed, pulling a pillow over his head. He knew he needed to sleep but he just couldn't bring himself to. After the Russians and Starcourt it took him months to be able to sleep more than 3 hours without waking up shaking and in sweat. He had finally been getting it under control when things decided to go to shit again leaving him bruised bitten and battered and nearly watching Eddie die. Since then he was only able to sleep every few days for maybe an hour before he woke up unable to catch his breath. Most days he avoided sleeping, after all Harrington's were supposed to be strong, not show emotion, not fear anything and he was always worried his parents would be home late one night ready to scream at him or more if they heard him. In reality it wasn't likely, they hadn't been home in weeks and were only there for a flitting moment before they disappeared again to god knows where.
He pulled himself and his aching head up fumbling around for the TV remote and turning it on to a quiet volume, just needing something in the background to distract him from his brain and the ringing. He bumped up the volume a few notches as it seemed more muffled than normal. Maybe he turned it extra quiet the night before? He didn't think so but shrugged the thought off grabbing a snack from his drawer. God, when had he last ate? He had been so preoccupied with work and the kid's schedules he couldn't remember. Honestly it could've been days, everything had been blurring together the past few weeks as he had only been focused on keeping up appearances and trying to rid himself of headaches that nothing else had mattered lately. He trudged out of his room and focused on making a sandwich bringing it back to sit by the TV in his room. God, his parents would kill him if they saw Steve like this. They were always strict on no food outside of the kitchen when they were home but lately Steve couldn't give two fucks about it.
He glanced at the clock reading 1 am and sighed. That was the worst part about nights he stayed up. He never could find ways to pass time. Sometimes he'd go out and shoot hoops by himself but he hadn't even had the energy to do that lately. And he wasn't really good at much else, writing, drawing? Out of the question. Sometimes he'd throw on Star Wars to watch. Some nights Robin would come over and he'd focus on cleaning up once she fell asleep. Occasionally even he and Eddie would hangout, smoking and Eddie forcing him to listen to metal. Steve enjoyed it though, it made him a bit more relaxed being able to see Eddie with own eyes not the twisted memories his nightmares liked to conjure. He'd even grown to enjoy the music, when his ears made noise seem all fuzzy he could still feel the beats reverberating around him. They never really talked besides stupid things the kids did and Steve appreciated that. He didn't want to try to hear what Eddie said, didn't want to risk talking about that night. But they had found their own little peace in the late hours. They'd formed a sort of friendship really after the Upside Down. Maybe it was the care he showed to Dustin and the mutual friendship they had through him, the experiences they went through, but something left him drawn towards Eddie and his long curly hair. God, if his dad could hear him he'd say "Steven quit talking like one of those fags." He rolled over and sighed trying to silence the thoughts in his head.
Eddie, laying on the ground, stomach bloody and bubbling from his mouth. Steve, running with everything he had and pulling Eddie up ignoring the way his own bitten flesh tore open again. Except instead of making it to the hospital, Eddie's body fell dragging Steve down before they could make it out of the Upside Down. His face paled and eyelids fluttered closed and suddenly everyone was yelling. Dustin, Nancy, Robin all telling Steve he should've done more to save him, to stop being selfish about his own hurt. That he was weak, incapable. Bullshit, you're bullshit echoed around in his skull.
Steve sat up with a jolt chest heaving the images of Eddie and his failure still flashing in his brain, he couldn't think, was gulping down air that felt like choking on nothing. He ran to the bathroom vomiting up his sandwich from the night and sat against the cold tub shaking. It was a dream, a nightmare, he knew it was. But still, in the maybe 10 minutes he dozed off, the images were seared behind his eyelids and felt more real than the floor beneath him. He gulped back his sobs and pushed himself up, tidying his hair, splashing his face, and brushing his teeth. He glanced in the mirror and could barely recognize his reflection, sunken and sad. He plastered on a smile that faltered as soon as he realized how stupid this all seemed. He just wanted it all to stop honestly. He couldn't stop from running back through the memories again and again and again. Even though Eddie was alive, Steve should've been faster, should've made sure he got out. At some point he had sunk back to the floor, nails running against his arms scratching the skin raw with little welts of blood pooling up. God, how pathetic could he be. Couldn't get his mind or body under control. He pulled himself up grabbing a glass of water and going to sit on his bed. Glancing at the clock he decided he could start getting ready to head to work. He worked with Robin again today, last day before her weekend, and he didn't have to take the kids to school as they were biking today. He tried to calm himself down more running through his schedule over and over before he drug himself to the shower to clean off his arms.
Getting out of the shower there was still raw reddened skin up and down his arms. He managed to get the small areas of blood cleaned up but it was still noticeable. Which was a bit funny to Steve seeming as how he didn't even notice he was doing it. It'd happened before too, small bumpy scars littering his legs and upper arms from the nights he couldnt pull himself together until he'd realize blood was dripping onto the floor. Normally his lower arms were avoided though which made it easier to hide, he didnt want the others worrying for no reason. He pulled on a long sleeve polo instead and rummaged around for his vest. He glanced at the clock and decided it was a reasonable time to leave, so he grabbed his keys and tried to prepare himself to face the day.