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Louis is too nosy, really. He can't even begin to count the number of times people have had to tell him it's none of his business when he wants to know something, but he always finds out anyway. It's not like he's a gossip, though. It's just that he has this need to know things about the people around him, personal things, secrets.
He's a bit of a hypocrite, seeing as he tends to be a very private person himself. But it's not about that, either. It's never been about feeling closer to someone because he knows things that others don't, or about having leverage over someone because of what they've told him either. Never in his life has he used his knowledge against someone. He just really likes secrets.
He likes to be able to hold other people's secrets in with his own, likes to believe that he's carrying their weight for them. He likes to think he's helping them somehow by being someone safe to reveal things to.
It's easy with Harry because the boy honestly has no secrets. Maybe he thinks he does, but Louis knows, can tell by the way Harry sidles up to him to whisper, “I like boys too,” in his ear that he's really an open book. But he wonders what the 'too' means ― if Harry is implying he likes both girls and boys, or if he's someone managed to piece together one of Louis' secrets. Louis never asks, guarding his own secret closely.
Niall's pretty much the same way as Harry, open and honest and uncaring. Naive. But he's got a few personal things that Louis manages to shake loose and then lock away for himself, rubbing behind Niall's ears until he falls asleep like he said his mother always did when he was little ― he's homesick, he tells Louis, misses his mum and da, and Ireland and his mates.
Zayn is more private. He plays things close to his chest until he starts to learn to trust them. Louis has to find ways to earn that trust, and eventually, he gets there. Soon enough Zayn lets Louis sneak into his bunk at night so Zayn can mutter half-asleep confessions about being a virgin and being terrified to go down on a girl.
Liam is the difficult one. He's boxed up so tight that even between the four of them, they can't manage to squeak anything personal out of him. It's not until after weeks of knowing him, when Liam gets some weird kind of crampy stomach ache that makes him have to talk to the producers, that Louis finds out Liam's only got one kidney and some sort of disorder that had been potentially life threatening.
Liam's not like the other lads, and it confuses Louis, frustrates him to no end. It takes a while for Louis to realize what's so frustrating about him is that in some ways he's so much like Louis. He protects himself with secrets, only he's got just his own and no one else's to even out the weight. But unlike Louis, Liam keeps himself completely withdrawn, an arm's length away from those around him ― literally.
He's such an enigma, Louis can't even begin to understand. In performances, on stage and even at rehearsals, he gives his all, throwing himself out there completely time and time again. It seems like that's the only time he just lets himself be, when he's singing, and even then, he's so serious, so focused. Maybe that's just who he is, but Louis can't help feeling he's missing something when he watches Harry hug Liam, laughing into his neck and trying to get closerclosercloser while Liam visibly shuts down, mouth going tight around his smile.
He's caring and he's friendly and he's beautiful, but at the same time he's distant and cagey and insecure. Louis just wants to slip between his layers and find whatever it is that's eating away at him inside and cut it out like the tumor it so obviously is, but he can't even slide beneath the covers beside him or sneak a hand beneath his shirt without Liam twisting away.
It drives him crazy to see Liam so in need of something but too afraid or ashamed or whatever he is to ask for it. It doesn't seem to matter what he says, what he promises, Liam refuses to let go. As time wears on, they find out little things mostly by accident, like the kidney problem and then about Liam's lack of a social life back home when he doesn't get letters or phone calls like everyone else each week.
It all comes to a head one night when Liam is simply sitting in his bunk with his earbuds in, leaning back against the wall with his eyes closed. He looks miserable in the way that's only obvious to those who have learned to hide it. Loneliness masked by happiness masked by pain masked by a smile and an assurance of I'm okay, really that sounds so good after so much practice that it almost feels real.
A compromise, Louis decides, is what he needs.
Liam opens his eyes when he feels the bed shift as Louis climbs onto it. He pulls his earbuds out and turns off his iPod because he's polite and Louis kind of wonders if Liam actually wants nothing more than to tell him to fuck off.
“Hey,” Liam says, his smile careful as he watches Louis sit down beside him. He's always careful.
“Hi. What're you listening to?” Louis asks.
Liam shrugs, mutters something noncommittal, and Louis can guess that it's the song they'll be doing for their next performance because this is Liam, who is basically a goddamn professional performer at the ripe old age of seventeen and such a perfectionist that it actually hurts Louis.
“Everything alright?” Liam asks when Louis sits quietly beside him, staring straight ahead at the wall.
“Yeah,” Louis answers, nodding. He chews his lip and laces his fingers together, then hitches his knee up and rests his chin on it, twisting just enough to be able to see Liam's face as he talks.
“Can I tell you something?” Louis questions hesitantly. “Like, a secret.”
Liam's eyebrows draw together but he doesn't pause, just nods and says, “Yeah, if you want. Of course.”
“If... If I tell you a secret, will you tell me one? It's only fair and it'd be easier then. I don't even care what you tell me, just promise?”
Liam stares at Louis calculatingly, his reluctance already obvious even though he hasn't spoken yet. “Why would I do that? You're the one who wants to share, why should I?”
Unyielding like a brick wall. Louis tempers his frustration, smiles at Liam. Instead of pushing, Louis' new tactic is to pull. He takes a deep breath and fidgets with the bottom of his t-shirt, picking at it with his fingernails. “I guess I just wanted to know a bit more about you, is all.” He shrugs before he continues, glancing in Liam's direction once more to be sure he's still got his attention. “Since, um... since my secret is that I, I like you. Yeah, a lot, actually. I kind of like you a lot. So, um, that's it.”
“Oh,” is Liam's only reply.
“Er,” Louis starts, and then presses his lips together to keep from rambling on further. He leans back against the wall, and then shifts to the side slightly, bumping their shoulders together, and pulling away again when Liam flinches at the contact. “Okay,” Louis reassures, steadying himself and hopefully Liam too.
It's not really the reaction he expects, but it's also not like he had much of one as far as expectations go either. He's being honest, and it's kind of a big secret for him to admit, so some sort of acknowledgment would have been nice at least. But he can take the rejection, he'd been prepared for that. Still, he thought he'd get something more from Liam than just a simple oh.
Sighing, he shrugs away from the wall, crawling out of Liam's bunk.
“I was bullied,” Louis hears Liam say when he gets to the edge of the bed. He freezes there, not daring to move. “All through school, I was bullied. So that's why, I don't really... I like you too, but I just don't think–”
Louis whips his head around at that, shocked, and Liam cuts himself short, shrinking back against the wall slightly. “You do?” Louis asks a bit wildly.
“Don't– I mean yeah, but it won't work. So just don't, okay?” Liam says. He refuses to meet Louis' eyes, even when Louis crawls across the bed again to get closer to him.
“Don't what? Why won't it work?”
Liam huffs irritably at Louis' questions, shaking his head, eyes held firmly away from Louis. “It just won't. And even if we could, which we can't, it would be bad, with everything that's going on. A risk to the band and everyone else. So don't anything, everything.”
“That's stupid,” Louis crows in exasperation, falling back to sit on his heels. “Liam, those weren't even reasons.”
“It's not stupid,” Liam mutters. “And they are reasons. It won't work because I can't, so there is no point in even trying. I'm sorry, I shouldn't– I don't know why I even told you.”
“We can try, I want to, and if you like me too, than I don't see why–”
“That's just it, Louis, you don't see. You don't understand. I can't, because if you knew, you wouldn't...”
Liam stops short, turning his head away from Louis completely. Every muscle in his body looks tense, and he's so visibly uncomfortable that it makes Louis ache a little in sympathy. It clicks though, suddenly, when he thinks about it. Liam's admission to being bullied and his reluctance to be with Louis, to even try, and how he's always so far away, just as body-shy as he is about everything else. And well, Louis doesn't understand ― can't, because Liam won't let him ― but he gets it, a little, maybe, he thinks. He wants to understand.
Sometimes when he's around Liam, he feels like he's alone with a wild animal, and now is one of those times. He feels like at any moment, Liam could snap and his flight-or-fight instinct will take over, putting him on the defensive or making him run. Louis's not afraid to chase or fight him but he doesn't really want to do either.
He moves slowly when he reaches out, fingertips brushing lightly over the back of Liam's hand. Liam's hand curls into a fist and Louis thinks he's going to pull it away, but he doesn't. Instead he slowly releases the tension from his body and sighs, going lax. He still refuses to look at Louis in the slightest, but at least when he's relaxed, Louis doesn't think he has to worry so much about Liam going Wild Animal on him.
He scoots forward, covers Liam's hand with his own. “I know you didn't mean to imply that I'm a shallow prick, but so you know, that's really what it sounded like you were saying. I'll have you know that I like you for more than just your ridiculously hot bod, so whatever it is that you're worried about, you shouldn't be, because I'll still like you.”
Somehow, Liam manages to turn his head away from Louis even further at that. He doesn't reply, even when Louis waits for him to say something, anything.
Then it's Louis' turn to sigh, and as he sags down to sit next to Liam again, he realizes that Liam hadn't relaxed before, he'd given up. Like Louis is now, admitting defeat.
“You're safe with us, you know,” Louis says quietly. “Whatever happened, whatever it was you were bullied for, we wouldn't do that to you. We pick on each other out of love, Liam, but we would never hurt you on purpose, and I– I really hope you know that. I really hope you know you're safe here.”
“Yeah,” Liam replies.
Louis isn't convinced, not even slightly, but he nods anyway. “If it's what you want, if you're sure, then we'll just pretend we never had this talk, yeah? Just go back to being mates and forget all about how we both feel.”
“Yeah,” Liam repeats.
And again, Louis isn't convinced, but he doesn't have any idea how to change Liam's mind, so he lets the defeat wash over him and leaves Liam alone, like he seems to prefer.
―
Nothing changes after that. Louis almost expects it to, thinks that maybe Liam will act differently, but he doesn't. He's still just Liam, quiet and ― though he's bigger than all of them ― small. He doesn't avoid Louis any more than he did before, but Louis notices it more now, feels it more keenly when Liam withdraws himself from the group. The others remain as blissfully unaware as they were before, but Louis can't help feeling a pang of loss each and every time Liam makes up some excuse to get out of being with them when he doesn't have to be.
And then it's four in the morning on a Tuesday and everyone is out cold except for Louis who needs to piss but he's trying to fall back asleep because he just really doesn't want to get out of bed. He hears someone else shifting around eventually, and he knows it's Liam because he's on a bottom bunk too, like Louis, and it's too close to be Zayn.
Liam gets out of bed and it's too dark to make out much of anything until the door opens and Louis sees Liam slip out into the hallway. Groaning, Louis drags himself from bed and stumbles his way toward the door, stubbing his toe three different times on the way and wondering how the bloody fuck Liam manages his way around the dark room without making any noise.
Louis doesn't even think about what he's doing as he slips into the bathroom. The door's unlocked and he can hear the showering running on the other side, and it's just what he'd do if it were any of the other boys. In his dazed, sleepy state he doesn't even think about how Liam never would have left the door unlocked on purpose, or how Louis should have knocked first. Nothing really starts to process until Liam's startled squeak rouses him and he looks up to see Liam standing naked in the middle of the room.
“Louis.” Liam chokes out his name, surprised and terrified sounding.
Liam's hands immediately dart to cover his cock, but Louis's already seen, seen all of him ― his broad shoulders and the smooth expanse of his chest, his gorgeous arms and toned stomach, his narrow hips and the unexpected curve of his strong thighs. And nestled right between, the neat tuft of hair, his heavy bollocks, and his penis.
It's small. Louis could tell that with the short look he had, but it looked hard too, jutting out from Liam's body and flushed.
But now all he can see are the whites of Liam's knuckles where he's clutching at himself so tightly it must hurt.
“Hey,” Louis says, sleepy-concerned as he steps forward with his arm outstretched.
“What. What are you doing, get out,” Liam demands, voice high and tight with nerves.
The back of Louis' hand brushes against Liam's lower belly as he grabs at his wrist. “Liam, stop, you've got to be fucking hurting yourself. I've already seen it, and Christ, I've got one too, would you stop?”
Liam doesn't let go, even when Louis tries to pull his hands away. “Liam, let the fuck go,” he rasps harshly, finally yanking Liam's hands free of his overly tight grip.
Louis pushes Liam's hands all the way behind his back, and stares down at his poor cock, which is most definitely hard. It looks red and tender from his mishandling, and Louis glares up at him, saying, “Don't do that. Don't hurt yourself.”
He lets go of Liam's wrists and he means to step back, go about his business, but then his fingers are trailing over Liam's hip to his cock, feeling the skin so hot beneath his fingers. Liam's hips jerk forward into his touch, a broken sound escaping his throat as he rides up into the palm of Louis' hand, fitting there perfectly.
Louis drops his head forward against Liam's chest, staring down intently at his hand cupped gently around Liam completely. “Don't be mean,” Louis chastises, nipping lightly at Liam's chest.
Louis feels Liam's cock jerk against his hand when his teeth pinch at Liam's skin, and he smirks, biting again. As his fingers move to circle around Liam's cock, Liam grabs his wrist, pulling his hand away.
Louis whines.
“What are you doing?” Liam whispers, sounding as though he couldn't possibly speak any louder even if he tried.
Louis grins and shakes his head against Liam's chest. He presses a kiss there then looks up, raising an eyebrow at him while he keeps his grin.
“What do you think you're doing?” Liam demands of him. “Do you think it's... Do you think it's fucking funny? To pretend like you're still interested now. To pity me–”
He cuts Liam off by gripping tightly onto his hip with the hand that Liam doesn't have clasped tightly between his own. He ruts forward, pressing the half-hard length of his own cock to Liam's thigh. “Think I can fake this?” he asks roughly. “Liam, for the love of... I told you I didn't care. I don't, and I like it.”
“No,” Liam chokes out, shaking his head desperately, like he's shaking the words off, too much for him to hear. “No, you didn't know. You can't.”
“I damn well can. I'll like whatever the hell I want to, thank you very much. And I really like your cock,” he says defiantly.
Liam, who was red before, goes even redder, trembling against Louis' body. “No,” he repeats, a whisper.
“Oh, yes,” Louis stands firm. “I really, really like it, Liam.” He grinds against Liam's thigh, a slow roll of his hips. His cock aches from going hard too fast, and he's got to piss with no hope of it now, and so he growls, low and promising. “Can I have my hand back? Can I touch you again?”
Liam's hold loosens, letting Louis slip free one finger at a time, and Louis doesn't hesitate before wrapping Liam up in his hand again. His cock disappears there in Louis' fist. Louis' hands aren't very big to begin with, but Liam's cock can't quite manage to poke out the other side from where Louis' wrist is pressed to Liam's abdomen. It's small, so small really, but it's so hard and warm in Louis' hand. He squeezes once experimentally and a breath stutters out of Liam as his hips rock back and then forward again.
Louis uses his thumb to push back the foreskin, rubbing the pad of his finger over the sensitive little head and Liam's whole body locks up, hips jerking forward once more. Louis can't help but smile, delighting in all the reactions he gets from almost nothing at all.
With his forehead pressed to Liam's chest, he watches himself playing with Liam's cock, listening to each of Liam's stuttered breaths, his choked off whines every time Louis does something new. He's so, so wet, slick against Louis' fingers, and only getting wetter, dribbling pre-come every time Louis thumbs over the very tip of him. It seems like no time at all before he's coming, hot spurts of it falling on Louis' wrist and his own stomach. Louis' free hand drops urgently to his own cock, squeezing it through the material of his pants and then hastily pulling it out to wank himself off.
He bites kisses into Liam's collarbones, trying to quiet his groans as he comes embarrassingly fast against Liam's stomach, making a bigger mess of him. He can't help it really, hopelessly and surprisingly turned on by everything with Liam, everything about him.
He's still breathing hard, smiling a little sheepishly when he looks up, but Liam's eyes are closed. Louis pushes up on his toes, slanting his mouth to fit against Liam's. He doesn't get much of a response, just a startled little gasp against his lips and then Liam's still again. He doesn't pull away, and Louis counts that as a win, licking over his own bottom lip before he kisses Liam one last time.
The come is slippery against Liam's skin as Louis' fingers skate through it, smearing it around on his skin so it glistens in the dim light. His cock's gone soft, but there's not much of a difference to it in size. It rests there limp and still wet. Louis can't resist letting his fingers trail down to it, so silky soft and little.
Liam says nothing to stop him, though he shifts back noticeably when Louis starts to toy with his foreskin again. Louis needs to piss like mad anyway, so he steps away, moves toward the toilet, and as soon as his back is to Liam, he gets into the shower.
If only the shower wasn't so tiny, or Louis so tired, he'd climb in there with him, navigate his way completely over Liam's body and chart all the territories. Alas, sleep and undersized showers are fucking cock blocks.
―
Liam avoids him the rest of the day. It's not horribly obvious, since he's normally a bit distant, but Louis notices the way he obstinately refuses to so much as look in Louis' direction. Louis lets him get away with it straight up until bed time, when Liam sneaks off on his own earlier than the rest of them, same as usual.
Louis makes his excuses quickly after, brushing off the boys' groans about him being a party-pooper. The room is dark and quiet when he slips in. Normally he'd flip the light on, Liam be damned, but he doesn't, not tonight. He kicks his trousers off and loses his shirt by his own bunk before sneaking over to Liam's. He lifts the edge of the duvet and hears Liam shift beneath. He can feel the stiff line of Liam's back as he crawls in behind him.
“Hey,” Louis whispers against Liam's neck. He scoots close, until his front is pressed entirely along Liam's back. Honestly, his dick's been half-hard all day, and one touch to the heat of Liam's body has Louis sporting a full blown erection in no time. “I couldn't stop thinking about you today.”
Unsurprisingly, Liam doesn't respond, so Louis shifts himself a little closer still, leaning into him. He wraps an arm around Liam's waist and presses his palm flat to his chest.
“Liam, I want to... A lot of things, really, but can I. Could I just kiss you again? If you don't want to do more, that's okay, but please can I kiss you again?”
He sounds a bit desperate, even to his own ears, and he is, truthfully. It feels like a need now, to show Liam how much he wants him, because now that he knows what Liam's been hiding, he wants more than anything to show him that it's okay, that he wants Liam even more.
“Li, do you want to? Will you let me?” he gasps out frantically against the back of Liam's neck.
“Someone could come in,” Liam says so quietly that Louis barely hears him.
“No,” Louis challenges. “It's barely ten, they're still at that horrible game, and Harry was losing so fucking terribly, you know he'll make them all play until he wins.”
“He'll want you to play, they'll catch us.”
“No,” Louis repeats. “Told 'em I wasn't feeling well, needed sleep. Liam, please. It's all I want.”
Liam shifts over at that, and the bed's too narrow so his shoulder digs painfully into Louis' chest. “Why–” Liam begins to question and Louis rolls himself on top of him, mouth colliding down against Liam's mid-word. Their teeth clack together, and Liam hisses, ducking his chin, but Louis doesn't let him get away, gasping, “Sorry, sorry,” into his mouth, kissing away the hurt.
He doesn't entirely mean to let it happen, but as he's trying to get more comfortable, settling in to kiss Liam for as long as humanly possibly, his thigh slips down between Liam's, pressed right between, where he can just barely feel the outline of Liam's cock against his leg. His own cock is a stiff ache between their bodies, and he can't help but to shift every now and then, trying to quell off the throb of need.
Liam breaks the kiss when Louis' hips accidentally slip into a rhythm. He sighs, twisting his head away and Louis apologizes again, whimpering a little when he tries to get himself to stop moving.
“Sorry, I know. I said just kissing, but I– Liam, I want so much. I want to suck you, want you in my mouth. Can I? I want to,” he asks in a rush, hips jerking down against Liam's again. “Can I?” he repeats then crashes his mouth down against Liam's again, kissing him hungrily.
All he can think about is how wet Liam was that morning, so slick with pre-come and then spurting so much come all over his stomach. He wants it in his mouth, can hardly stand how hard it makes him thinking about sucking him off, his little cock fitted right between his lips.
“Please,” he grits out, then shakes his head, laughing quietly. “Jesus, Liam, I've never had to beg someone to let me suck their cock before.”
He scoots down the bed beneath the covers, shoving Liam's shirt up as he goes, and when he hooks his fingers into the waistband of Liam's pajama bottoms, Liam lifts his arse off the bed to help him, and that's a yes if Louis's ever seen one.
He gets even more frantic then, wild with need as he jerks Liam's bottoms down his thighs, just enough to be out of the way. Louis pants against Liam's belly and mouths his way to his cock, unable to see a thing but too eager to slow down and use a little finesse.
“Shh,” Liam hushes harshly when Louis gets his mouth around him and moans.
He has to be quiet, has to be or Liam will probably make him stop, and it's so absurd, that Liam would stop Louis mid-blowjob. Who does that? Louis can't even imagine being insecure enough to refuse a blowjob from someone he's interested in, let alone stop them when their mouth is already on his cock.
He decides he needs to make it good, too good for Liam to stop him, so good that he'll want it again, and again, and again.
And it's easy, because Liam's so small that he fits into Louis' mouth without a struggle, stretching his mouth no more than a thumb would. He sits right at the back of Louis' tongue and Louis just can't help moaning around it, suckling and mouthing at him exaggeratedly, feeling his own cock jerking in his pants, ready to pop. He's never been so turned on in his life, never gotten off on sucking cock so much before.
He knows it's coming when he hears Liam's muffled, “Lou,” but he still manages to choke a bit at the first shot of come, so much of it hitting the back of his throat. Liam's little cock comes so hard in his mouth, filling it up, and Louis swallows it all as he ruts his hips down against the bed, helplessly aroused.
He gets himself off like that, still mouthing at Liam's cock and sucking him clean. Liam's hand lands in his hair and he pushes him away gently, making Louis whimper at the loss. He wants to start all over again, licking at Liam until he's gone stiff once more and sucking the come straight out of him, but instead he crawls up the bed, hovering over Liam. He must look a mess, hair all over the place, sweaty and flushed from being beneath the blankets, but Liam doesn't say anything as he blinks up at Louis.
With renewed vigor, Louis leans in to kiss Liam again. It doesn't seem to faze Liam more than any of the other kisses, and Louis finds it an incredible turn on when he lets Louis tongue past his lips, getting a taste of himself there.
“Can I sleep here?” Louis asks quietly, mouthing the words into Liam's neck. Liam doesn't really answer, but Louis figures if it was a no, Liam would tell him. “Just need to change my pants quickly, yeah, jizzed all over in mine while I was sucking you off.”
He takes the choking noise Liam makes as a personal victory.
―
It goes on like that for so long, Louis starts to doubt himself. Liam never initiates anything and he mostly just lies back and takes it, and the only thing that keeps Louis from giving up completely is Liam's newly found ability to stop avoiding him completely, and also the fact that he never tells Louis 'no'. And maybe the latter should be a problem, because God knows that Louis sometimes needs to be told no, but it never ends up having to be that way. He learns how far to push and when to stop, but it's mostly by trial and error that he figures it out.
Like the time Louis begs and begs and begs some more to fuck Liam, and it's not really the first time, but it's the first time that Liam lets Louis see him while they're doing it. And it's not that Liam doesn't enjoy himself, because he does, he really does ― twice, all over them both. But Louis gets carried away, and first it's on the bathroom counter, and then on the bathroom floor, and there are bruises and rugburn and scratches, and Harry just happens to catch a glimpse of his back when Liam's reaching for a box of cereal on the top shelf. Being Harry, he can't let it go, fucking cannot, and Liam shuts down altogether after Harry tells everyone about the marks all over his back.
Louis wants to strangle Harry, choke the life right out of him, for the way he takes away what he'd managed to build with Liam with just a few words. It's mostly Louis' fault, probably, because when he tells Harry to just shut the fuck up about it, Harry jokingly asks him if he's the one who's fucking the kinky little shit, and Louis can't make himself say no. For whatever reason, that is what makes Liam walk away, even though it's just the three of them then. Liam doesn't want anyone to know, and for him, Louis keeps it hidden, a secret. He pushes Harry up against the wall roughly and tells him to keep his fucking mouth shut. Harry's eyes widen at that, shocked, because Louis doesn't ― he doesn't talk to people that way, especially not Harry.
Liam doesn't kiss him back for the first time in weeks that night, won't speak to him or so much as look at him, and it fucking hurts to go back to that, to realize just how far he'd come and then to have it all yanked away. It doesn't seem to matter what he does after that, Liam simply curls up in on himself and waits for Louis to go away.
He sort of gives up for a bit, then. Until Harry comes up to him one night, wraps his arms around Louis' neck and holds onto him tightly while he whispers into his ear, saying, “Don't get mad at me, but I talked to Liam for you,” and Louis tries to shove him away, because that's the very last thing he needs, but Harry clings tighter. “I didn't know, I didn't mean to screw things up for you guys, I didn't mean for that to happen, so I talked to him, Lou. It's gonna be okay now, I swear. It's just me who knows and I promise it'll stay that way, and he's okay now, I promise. He's out back, so just go talk to him, yeah. Don't hit me,” he says as he pulls away and Louis stares at him for half a second before rushing to find Liam sitting out in the grass looking miserable.
“Hey,” Liam greets him, and Louis nearly falls over ― kind of does, actually, into the grass beside Liam, gasping out his own greeting in return. Liam apologizes, a simple sorry that speaks volumes to Louis, who nods in return.
It doesn't exactly go back to normal then, because Liam is Liam, and well, it's strange because he starts talking more, and Louis has no idea what Harry said to him, but he sort of wants to kiss for it, for the way his words have made Liam open up a little bit. He tells Louis about the one girl he was with before coming to X Factor and how she had told everyone about his problem ― and Louis cuts in there, telling him it's not a problem, it's his cock, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, goddamn it, Liam, nothing ― and how even before that happened, there was bullying at his other school, because some boys had seen him naked while he was changing for gym. He tells Louis how he never really had any friends, how it's hard for him to understand that there are people out there that aren't simply looking for an easy target.
It goes on like that, with Liam opening up more and more and Louis falling harder and harder, but nothing really ever gets easier because they still have to keep it a secret and the competition is getting more stressful and right up until the very end they think they're a little bit invisible. But then there's the finale and everything changes. Everything falls apart for a bit even though they've got their contract, it feels hopeless to be apart from Liam for any time at all. They've got so much happening, and Louis doesn't understand half of it, coming from every direction at him with lawyers and agreements that feel like he's signing away his soul. But just as suddenly it puts itself back together again and they're on tour. There's hotel rooms and everyone's together again, and he's just missed Liam so fucking much.
He nearly comes right out of his skin when they're finally alone together again for the first time in what feels like forever, and Liam grabs for Louis first. Grabs him and pulls him so close and kisses him, and it's the first time he's ever done that, and they get each other off right there, right then, because they can't fucking wait anymore, never want to have to wait again. Louis' hand goes down the front of Liam's trousers and his cock fits into Louis' palm just as perfectly he remembers, and Liam comes so quick, coating Louis' hand in it, soaking into his boxers. Liam wastes no time at all, dropping to his knees in front of Louis to suck him off, so focused, so determined. Louis licks his hand clean as he watches him go at it, moaning around his fingers as he sucks Liam's come from them.
They collapse on one of the beds together, kissing deeply enough to lick away the lingering tastes of come. Liam just looks so good, Louis can't stop touching him, getting him between his thighs and wrapping his legs around his back and holding him there.
He tosses his head back when Liam rocks forward, grinding against his arse. “God, yes, Liam, fuck me. Want you to fuck me,” he moans, and he expects Liam's reaction, really. He hopes Liam will give in and just do it, give Louis what he wants, but doesn't. He tenses up and goes still, and Louis has to tighten his hold around him to keep him from pulling away. “Come on, I want you to, please.”
Liam shakes his head against Louis' neck, where he's hiding, mutters, “I can't.”
“Why not?” Louis asks, pulling him up gently by his hair to see his face.
“Because I can't, you know why,” Liam answers frustratedly as he glares at Louis.
“I don't, actually. You can, I want you to,” Louis reiterates.
“I can't,” Liam groans miserably. “God, Louis, you know I can't, it's too small. You won't even feel it.”
Normally, Louis would have stopped pushing already, but he refuses to this time, won't let Liam get away from this. He's wanted to at least try for a while now, and this is the perfect time. Louis wants it so much. “It's plenty big, it'll feel so good. Come on.” When he doesn't move, other than to shake his head again, Louis nudges him. “Liam, come on. I want it, want to feel it in me. Come on, babe, fuck me.”
Liam moves to pull back again, and Louis lets him go only enough to sit back on his heels, staring down at Louis. He's got this face on that Louis can barely read; he looks half-determined, half-scared, and then there's this undercurrent of destined-to-fail that Louis wants to erase entirely.
There's a bottle of lube in Louis' bag, and he points Liam in the direction and spreads himself across the bed when Liam goes to retrieve it. Liam gets himself ready, and then tries to settle himself between Louis' thighs to get his dick in, and Louis squawks in protest.
“Get me ready first!” he demands, and Liam just looks at him like he must be fucking joking.
“It hardly seems necessary,” he grumbles, motioning to his hard little cock.
Louis purses his lips, unwavering, and Liam does what he's told, getting his fingers slicked up before he pushes one to Louis' hole. He's good at it, the preparation, with fingers long enough to find the good spots as he gets Louis ready. And Louis loves having him there, doing something he maybe isn't wholly comfortable with but trying his best, and being good at it. That's just one of the things about Liam, he's so good at everything, when he just lets himself try.
Louis's ready and he nods at Liam to go ahead, and Liam is suddenly so visibly nervous, it almost makes Louis want to stop, to tell him he doesn't have to. He doesn't, though; he spreads his knees wide and watches Liam move forward between them.
He's not big, there's not much to him at all, but it's still there, and Louis lets his mouth fall open around a moan as Liam slides easily in. He can feel him inside, and that in itself is enough of a turn on. He grinds against Liam when he's all the way in, rolling his hips and listening to him gasp as he clutches at Louis' hips ― and that's what he wanted. He wanted this for Liam, more than anything, for him to know what it's like to be inside, to not have to miss out on that anymore. He may not be big in the slightest, but Louis still loves him, more than he can even begin to put into words. If he could have it his way, Liam would always have his little cock balls deep inside of him ― his arse or his mouth, he doesn't fucking care as long as Liam is there.
“Come on, babe, fuck me. Make me feel it tomorrow,” Louis moans.
“You'll... You'll never feel it tomorrow. I'll never be able to make you–”
Louis cuts him off with a biting kiss. Growls, “Yes. Yes, you fucking will. Come on, pound me with it, make me feel it.”
Liam looks frustrated more than anything as he takes hold of Louis' hips, holding him in place as he starts to go harder, faster. He slips out a few times, so new to it still, having no idea just how far he can pull out yet, but he catches on quick. And then he really slams into Louis, and Louis' head falls back, a loud moan cutting through the air. He grabs for his cock, twisting his fingers around it as Liam keeps fucking into him.
“God, you're gonna make me,” he gasps, and Liam grunts, “Yeah,” going harder.
“You're gonna fuck the come right out of me,” Louis says, wanking himself off in time with Liam's thrusts.
He loves the feel of it, the sound of their skin slapping together and Liam's harsh breathing. It feels so good, and nothing could ever be better than seeing Liam flushed with arousal and exertion, his lip clasped firmly between his teeth as he fucks Louis senseless.
Louis comes with a shout of Liam's name, probably louder than he should be, but that's the last thing on his mind when he's shooting his load all over his own chest with Liam pushing his thighs higher, wider, fucking him through it and reaching his own orgasm.
As Liam collapses on top of Louis, groaning quietly into his ear, Louis can't quit smiling. Laughingly, he bites at Liam's cheek. Liam shakes his head, rubbing his face against Louis' shoulder.
“God, you fucked the hell out of me,” Louis says, stretching his legs out and feeling the strain and burn in his muscles.
Liam laughs, just barely, quiet and breathy, but he laughs, and it's in the moment that Louis knows he's going to be okay. They're going to be okay.