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Lisa kept slipping in and out of consciousness, everything around her blurred together -except, of course, for the stark pain in her arm, on the skin of her face, the throbbing in her head and ringing in her ears, all consuming.
She was gathering her memories gradually- the phone ringing, Betsy's scream, the urgency in Carla's voice- Carla.
She hadn't left her. She should have known, Carla would never do that, would never discard them like that, no matter how upset Lisa might make her.
She should have known better, but she hadn't, she'd believed everything Becky had told her- Becky.
She did her best to turn her head to the side, a tiny bit of her conscience hoping to find a short haired corpse beside her, whilst another prayed for her wife of twenty years to be okay.
She found she couldn't decide which side of herself she resented more, the desperate, self deprecating wife or the widow who wished for her grief to be worth something, for the lies she'd been spoon-fed all those years to finally come to an end.
It was all her fault.
She was a detective, and she'd foolishly believed to be a good one at that.
She'd worked around that kind of manipulation her whole career, she was supposed to know the signs, to be able to help other women, other people, out of that kind of situation, she should have known better. So how had she managed to get so deep in it?
How had she managed to throw her entire life away, again?
Her head was pounding hard, flashes of light appearing here and there in her vision, the image of the rearview mirror blurring before her.
That didn't look good, did it?
She found she didn't care.
The flashes grew brighter and brighter and she was sure her time had come, that this was the last bit of imagination her brain could muster before shutting down completely, once and for all.
Then she noticed the way the flashes in her eyes reflected on the dashboard.
Forcing her eyes to open entirely, she was able to tell apart two main sources of light.
Time was blurring, a fading concept for her tired mind, and everything seemed to move so slowly, leaving afterimages in her sore eyes.
Headlights.
Two, wide. The office in her kicked in, digging nails first into the mud of her mushy awareness.
Big vehicle, approaching her way, their way.
Was Betsy still in the car?
Then she saw it.
A silhouette emerging from behind them, running past them and towards the vehicle.
Why was it all so damn slow, why couldn't they just get it over with, let her rest?
The silhouette raised its arms, the light pushing through the frizzy crown of its hair as it waved its hands frantically, shouting.
Lisa could hear it, she realized.
She could hear the muffled scream, the utter fear and desperation in it.
And she would also recognize that voice everywhere, no matter how strangled and distant.
She watched Carla move, unnaturally slow, and place herself between the car and the approaching vehicle.
No.
She watched it drift to avoid her, drop onto a side, she watched it slide.
No.
She watched Carla disappear, and time resumed its usual rhythm, the vehicle's speed onto the ground catching up with Lisa's brain just in time before it hit her car.
----
It was something on her hand that startled her, but at first she was unable to understand what was touching her- holding her.
It was cold and soft and damp.
She was not dead.
She forced her eyes open and, as if inviting her sight to work again had also called back her hearing, her head was flooded by an incredibly overwhelming crowd of different noises.
Something screeching, someone screaming, the low humming of a fire.
Her eyes settled on something, whatever was on her hand tightened around it.
"Please" the figure in front of her whispered.
It was desperate and tired, and Lisa couldn't lace that voice to a face yet.
It was comforting, though. Whatever part of her mind was gaining consciousness first, it was one who knew this voice came with safety. So she let her hand be held, didn't fight it as her body responded instinctively to the voice, muscles relaxing and lips parting, searching for something, words possibly.
She found none.
"It's okay" the voice said, and it was a woman, Lisa realized as a new figure was gathered between the woman's arms.
"Carla?" she muttered before the world faded again.
----
When her eyes opened again, it was with newfound lucidity, urgency in her voice as she startled.
"Where are-" she gasped, air burning in her lungs sending her chocking on her own breath, eyes darting around as she forced some oxygen to enter her system.
Her question didn't need completion, both the women she was looking for already by her side.
Betsy was in her arms in a heartbeat, sobbing uncontrollably, and Lisa simply held her, unable to hide her stupor.
Carla's fingers in her hair grounded her, kept her from getting lost in her head before she could get a proper glimpse of the real world.
Her arms tightened around her daughter, forcing out a whispered "I'm okay", though her eyes never left the woman standing by her gurney, whose hands were now both on the sides of Lisa's head as their eyes filled with tears none of them wanted to shed.
She'd seen the vehicle hit her, she was sure of it, but there she was.
Carla was alive.
She was standing before her, gathering her kid in her arms like the safe harbor she was.
Lisa lost herself in green eyes for a second, the artificial light of the ambulance adding an unsettling glow to them that was entirely overwritten by the warmth with which she was looking back at the blonde, care and gentleness that had only ever been reserved for her.
Before she could think anything of it, she placed one of her hands on top of the brunette's, closing her fingers around hers.
"I love you" she whispered.
Carla's eyes filled with tears as she nodded weakly, leaning in to kiss the detective's head and mouthing a "me too" that spoke more of heartbreak rather than of reunion.
Lisa knew she had lots to make amends for, knew she'd compromised everything they'd built, and she knew there was nothing she wanted more than to collect her girls between her arms and make sure both of them were okay.
----
As she was being loaded into the ambulance she'd previously been parked in front of, her eyes remained on Becky.
She'd autonomously left their car a while before Lisa, or so they'd told her, and had been roaming around for the past few minutes.
The blonde had been relieved her face wasn't the first thing she saw when she woke up.
Becky was fading into the background now, making sure nobody worried about her so she'd become, in the overall mess, completely invisible.
Lisa knew then, that she was going to try her luck and fleet.
As if having read her mind, Carla, who had only recently left her side once she was satisfied that Lisa's vitals wouldn't have any further wobbles and had gone to help where was most needed, appeared from behind the ambulance, marching straight towards Becky, fists clenched.
Lisa's stomach twisted.
Surely Carla wouldn't challenge her, not now, not physically. Not after what Becky had done to her, (or maybe exactly because of what Becky had done to her).
She felt sick just thinking about it, all the time Lisa had spent in their house, Carla's house, slowly losing ground to the very woman who was keeping her fiancée hostage, alone and uncared for, violated just as she'd been doing Lisa herself, making her believe she'd been abandoned and proving to her that she was, eventually, still the boring, plain unlovable thing she'd always believed herself to be.
She knew Becky had done her best to make Carla feel that way, too.
She needed her away.
Carla away from Becky, Becky away from them.
She'd needed it for so long she'd actually forgotten how urgent it was.
She could see they were talking and, though she couldn't make out the words, the topic was evident from Carla's posture, ready to run.
Becky was going to try for a way out.
"Becky? Where's Becky?" she called, softest voice she could manage, and watched how both the brunettes turned to her, the short haired woman's face curling into a sad smile, a display now just for Betsy's sake.
The teenager said something to her mother, something Lisa couldn't hear the answer to, thought she did catch the last bit of the kid's plea.
"Mom, where are you going? What was going on in the car?" Her heart ached at her daughter's confusion.
Rebecca cupped her daughter's cheeks with both her hands, that incredibly defeated look in her eyes, the one she always pulled when she wanted to make Lisa feel responsible for something she had no control over. The detective hated how she was trying that on their daughter, too.
"I'm so sorry Betsy, I wanted this to work, I really did. But I need to go"
"What?" the teenager almost gasped it out and Lisa didn't fail to notice the way Carla was visibly restraining herself from going for Becky's throat.
"But do we at least get a goodbye this time?" Lisa, yet again, forced out the loveliest tone she could find within herself, words directed solely to her ex wife who, she was aware, from an external observer seemed to have her undivided attention.
Her focus, though, was on the item she was unclasping from her harness, still under her jacket and that had probably cut into her skin at some point during the crash.
"I love you, sweetheart, okay?" Becky slid her hands down her daughter's cheeks in a caress as she moved into the ambulance, Carla immediately shifting and opening up her arms for Betsy to slide into, welcoming the blonde head under her chin as her eyes remained fixated on Lisa, still unsure of what was going on in the open ambulance before her.
"Lise, I love you so much" Becky so much as cried on her, whimpering as she leaned in to kiss her.
Lisa was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of profound disgust as her mind was flooded with images, moments, touches from the last few weeks, times in which she'd done her best to avoid conflict and ended up naked under a woman she'd loved so deeply in the past, so much that she'd forgotten to love herself at all.
She rolled her head away.
She hated herself for what she'd allowed in the past few weeks, she hated herself for what the same woman she was sleeping with had done to Carla.
She hated herself so much it was no relief to hear the click of the handcuff, to feel Becky's hand go cold in hers.
"Rebecca Swain, I'm arresting you-" she started cold, automatic.
"No. No please, don't" again that pleading, desperate tone. Designed so perfectly to work around Lisa's physical need to put everybody's needs before hers, played so mindfully as a weapon to twist her, bend her, break her, marching on the guilt Becky knew damn well she'd feel.
But Lisa was shut down enough not to care.
"On suspicion of fraud, theft, ABH,-" she continued, every word painful to bring out as her lungs filled again with the sharply cold air.
How had she not felt the cold until now?
"-And kidnapping" she heard Carla adding from afar, Betsy still between her arms, tucked safely in the comfort of an embrace that had no intent other than to soothe.
"And kidnapping" Lisa repeated, eyes empty as they landed on Becky's.
The extent of what she'd done to Carla was something she didn't think she'd ever be ready to unpack.
Rebecca's eyes searched hers for any compassion, any guilt to play on, any crumb of Lisa that she could use to uproot Detective Sargent Swain.
She found none, so she called for her daughter and Lisa was glad the multiple car crashes had taken a toll on her body, or else she'd have punched her there and then, possibly compromising the process and the sentence.
"You do not have to say anything but it may harm your defense if you don't mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence"
Becky pulled away, recoiling in horror, the handcuff around her wrist digging visibly into her skin as the chain tensed between the woman's hand and the side of the gurney, to which Lisa had secured the other end to.
"Don't be like that, Lisa" her tone changed in an instant as soon as she realized she was as helpless as a caged animal "You know I always hated it when you get like this"
The blonde almost scoffed, humorless.
She hated this woman for trying to talk herself out of the very ground she'd laid under her own feet, she hated her for what she'd done, but most of all she hated, thoroughly, from deep into her guts, she hated herself for allowing her to.
She hated herself for giving in to her whenever she pushed, she hated herself for what her wife had done to Carla, to Betsy.
Trying to shut out whatever poison Becky was spitting at her, she closed her eyes.
And she must have lost consciousness at some point, or fallen asleep, because when she opened them again the setting was diverse.
Its warmth was the first thing she noticed, then came the pain.
Through heavily bruised ribs, she gasped for air as she took in the room.
It was light, clean, full of machinery that was attached to her body by a colorful variety of cables.
There was a warm weight pressing on the side of her thigh, a head of brown frizzly hair sprawled on her bedside.
Her eyes stilled on it, her hand instinctively reaching out.
She only realized she'd been holding her breath when the woman moved under her touch, oily hair slipping away from beneath her fingers.
"You're alive" she heard herself whisper, hand falling back onto the mattress as her eyes filled with tears.
The look in Carla's eyes, she couldn't decipher.
There was relief, there was fear, there was love.
There was a question that none of them could possibly know how to ask yet.
Carla said nothing, simply rose from her seat and leaned in to wrap the blonde's head in her arms, pulling her gently against her chest.
She remained still when tears started to drench through her sweater shirt, still when a pair of strong arms wrapped around her middle, the splint on Lisa's wrist pressing awkwardly into her ribcage.
She had no idea what to do, what to think, what to say, so she allowed herself to be grateful, for the moment at least, that Lisa was breathing, was talking sense, was with her.
None of them knew how long it had been, how long they had both been crying in each other's arms, both aware of the other's distress and none of them able to face it, to look at each other, both of their faces hidden out of reach as their bodies grasped onto one another.
None of them knew how long it had been when Betsy walked in, snacks in hand and a plaster on her forehead.
"Mum?"
Lisa heard her voice muffled by Carla's chest and she was immensely grateful to the brunette when she loosened her embrace but remained over her, shielding her from Betsy's sight as she collected herself for a split second.
When Betsy slipped in between them, Lisa felt like she could finally properly breathe again, young arms cradling her in a way she didn't know she needed.
"Betsy, I'm so sorry" she felt pathetic as she choked on her words, the teen pulling away just enough to look at her.
"Sorry? You have nothing to be sorry for" the girl cried, hiding her head into her mother's neck again, holding her as gently as she could.
Lisa's eyes travelled to Carla, whose hands were gripping lightly at the girl's shoulders, ready to pull her away at any sign of pain from the older blonde.
Their eyes met.
"I do. I really do"
----
Betsy's head's weight still comfortably pressing on her shoulder as the girl slept, Lisa's eyes wandered to Carla, now perched on the foot of the bed, facing away from her, playing nervously with the skin of her fingers.
"You ran in front of it"
Carla's head almost turned to her, but she stopped in time to keep her face hidden from the blonde.
"What?" her voice was distant, but Lisa knew she could hear just fine now.
"The bus. I saw you run in front of it, before it hit me"
Carla scoffed and went back to chewing at her fingernails without speaking.
"I thought you'd died, I thought I'd watched you die"
The implication was clear to the both of them.
For me. Because of me.
The dark haired almost turned again.
"I'm alright" she stated. She wanted to turn, to hold Lisa in her arms like she knew she needed to be held, like she knew she herself needed to do.
She didn't.
Lisa's stomach twisted at the distance between them.
----
Lisa was sat on the couch of number six, a warm mug in hand, the brew Carla had insisted on making for her.
The past few days had been torture, a visibly pained and conflicted version of Carla looming around her, making sure all her basic needs were met without ever concerning herself with her own, so much that Lisa had to remind her on a hourly basis how important it was for her to drink regularly in order to help her kidney medication work properly.
The distance between them being what hurt the most, Lisa had almost cried the first time the brunette had led her to the couch, helping her sit down just to move away and perch herself on a stool in the kitchen, facing away from her.
Now Carla had parked her on the sofa again, but she was nowhere to be seen, probably in the bathroom or in the bedroom.
Lisa picked up her phone, her new one, the one Becky had bought to replace the one she'd filled with pictures and her life, her messages with Betsy and Carla and the community she had slowly began to be a part of.
Becky, she realized, had cut her away from that too, even just by asking her to host sister Kim into their house, their lives. And she'd dug a deeper trench between Lisa and everybody else, making sure she had no support other than her, none she could reach out to in times of distress, so she could be the one to mould her into whatever shape she pleased.
And Lisa had let her.
Lisa had let her despite being taught and expected in work to know the signs, to tell coercion apart from consent, to tell love apart from abuse.
It hadn't come to that, surely, she was not abused.
She had willingly given in to Becky's advances as to not upset Betsy, as to not draw consequences upon herself or her daughter.
The daughter she'd had with that very same woman.
That surely was not coercion, not abuse.
That was... That was the life she'd built for herself, the life she'd thought for a while she could be rid of when Carla had first welcomed her into her arms, the life she couldn't help but go back to, because surely that's what she deserved.
No, Lisa wasn't abused, she was just- she was just cut out for it, for the shame of it all.
Heavy steps came down the stairs and she turned to see Carla dragging a suitcase into the living room.
"What is that?" she felt the blood go cold in her veins.
"You're okay now, Lise, it's been over a week and you're able to manage on your own again" the dark haired explained plainly, but her eyes were puffy and her voice came out a bit ragged "I'm staying at Roy's"
The blonde jumped to her feet, waist still heavily bruised and never failing to remind her just that.
"Carla, don't-" she heard herself plead, cringing at the desperation in her voice. Pathetic.
"I can't stay here, Lisa" her voice was soft, as she always was with the blonde, a caress from a distance. Said distance would only be increasing "Becky, she told me what happened when I was out of the game, between the two of you. And I don't blame you baby-" she could have slapped herself as she realized the term of endearment had slipped past her walls and out of her lips "I don't blame you, but I can't be here just now, okay? I need space, I need to clear my head" her hands were gripping so tight on the suitcase that her knuckles were pale, the shape of her bones clear under tight skin.
Lisa looked horrified, hurt to an unbearable level, but Carla was infinitely grateful to her when all she said was
"Can I hold you for a second, before you go?"
The brunette felt hot tears roll down her cheeks as she crossed the room, arms open and ready to collect the other woman, be collected by her.
When their bodies met- collided, pressing fully front to front for the first time in over a month, none of them was able to hold back the sobs, Carla's face running to hide in the crook of Lisa's neck. The skin there was softer than Carla had imagined over a year ago, the first time she'd dipped her head into it, her lips on the blonde's pulse point.
She couldn't do that now, but it was so close, so comforting. She buried her nose in it instead, basked in the way Lisa's hands ran across her shoulders, holding her together as if decreasing the pressure just a tiny bit would be enough for her to crumble entirely.
"I don't want you to go" Lisa whispered, the other woman's body going immediately tense "But I don't want to trap you, either. If you need to go, if you want to go, please do that. But I don't want you to think I want you away, because all I want is to make it up to you"
Carla slowly relaxed again, pulling her head away from the blonde's neck to look at her face to face, hands moving instinctively to fix blonde silk locks away from the detective's face whilst Lisa's hands rested so naturally on her back, holding without restraining.
"I need space, Lisa, because the things that woman did to you, to me, to us as a unit, when I unpack that it's gonna be messy and I don't want you, us, to be a casualty of the process. Please don't spiral, don't put the blame on yourself darlin', don't do that"
Lisa wanted to argue, to explain to her why it was precisely her fault, but she sensed Carla's urgency to get away when the older woman's hands slipped from her face and fell back to her sides.
She didn't pull away, but she made it clear she wanted to go, and the blonde let her.
Their bodies disconnected, both feeling the cold void of the other's absence as Carla crossed the room and grabbed hold of her suitcase again, dragging it towards the door.
----
It was little past midnight when Lisa heard the front door click shut.
She was on the couch, pretending to sleep for both Betsy's and her sakes, locking any coherent thought out of her mind for good.
She had tried to convince herself to sleep in the bed but it felt disrespectful. She'd let Becky sleep in that bed, for God's sake, she'd let Becky fuck her on that bed, and now she felt bad for sleeping in it without Carla by her side?
She despised herself for the way she was feeling.
She was thinking just that, despite her best efforts not to think at all, when the door clicked shut.
Her shoulders tensed.
It couldn't be Becky, could it? She was in prison, she was sure of it, she'd arrested her herself.
But Ryan and Betsy were already upstairs, so it couldn't be them either and Carla- Carla had gone just that morning.
She gripped on the duvet a little tighter.
She was a police officer, she was supposed to know what to do, to take matters into her hands and have whoever had broken into her house arrested on the spot.
Yet, she couldn't bring herself to turn around, to make a move. She felt petrified.
If it was Becky, she had surely came back to finish her off and if she were honest, part of her hoped she'd notice her, defenseless on the couch.
It would have been better for everybody, wouldn't it? Betsy would be rid of the worst role model she'd ever had, worse even than Becky herself, she'd have to cope with so much less without having to see her mother through a long and certainly bumpy recovery. And Carla, Carla would have been rid of the worst weight to ever fall upon her shoulders, the partner that had promised her to be the one to finally treat her right and had, instead, reinforced her fear of being undeserving, unlovable, second best.
What she'd done to Carla, Lisa could never forgive herself for.
She shifted on the mattress, pretending to sleep so that Becky would see her, take her chance and just-
"Lise?" it came in a gasp and the voice was certainly not Becky's, the dark figure coming to a halt on the stairs, clearly startled.
"Carla?" she raised her head enough to confirm her suspicions "What are you doing here?" she sat up, her back immediately cold where it had been pressed on the sofa's cushions.
The brunette looked at her in the almost complete darkness, their eyes catching the faint gleam of the streetlights coming from outside.
"Such a stupid idea" the dark haired muttered, bringing her fingers to the bridge of her nose and leaning on the stairs' railing.
"Carla, has something happened?" the blonde pressed a little. Carla wasn't supposed to be there tonight and she surely would have let Lisa know if she'd changed her mind, or asked Ryan to bring her anything she could need. No, Lisa was certain something wasn't right, if only because of the weak tremble in the brunette's voice.
She watched as the older woman climbed down the few steps she'd manage to get past before she spotted Lisa, the line of her shoulders low, deflated, defeated.
Carla walked her way around the couch and sat down heavily, almost dropping herself, by the foot of Lisa's pretend bed.
"Hey" the blonde reached out a hand but dropped it on the duvet when she realized Carla had no intention to take it.
The brunette sighed and Lisa 's heart tug when it came out more like a sob.
Another choked sound followed, until Carla had covered her face with her hands and her shoulders were shaking, the dim light catching on freshly washed hair trembling on her back.
Lisa moved instinctively, stopping when she was already almost wrapped around the other woman.
"Can I hold you?" she asked, just a little louder than a whisper. She didn't want to make her feel trapped, she knew how tricky it could get for kidnapping victims, feeling like they were being caged again.
Carla nodded urgently, her own arms locking around the blonde as she momentarily forgot about the bruises on her ribs, squeezing her to herself.
Lisa pushed her body, forced it not to flinch as soft hands snaked around her shoulders, pulling her towards the brunette whose head had come again to rest against the detective's neck.
Carla's shoulders were shaken by sobs for an indefinite amount of time, her tears now soaking the shirt Lisa had been trying to sleep in.
Finally in the one place she'd dream of being in for so long, Carla let herself cry, let Lisa hold her.
When she raised her head, it for was a brief moment, just long enough to make sure it was really Lisa's hands around her, holding her together.
During all the time they'd been together, Lisa had never saw her like this. Sure, Carla had shared a lot of trauma from her past, a lot of hard bits that she felt like she couldn't get past, but never she'd been so out of control, unable to keep herself from crumbling. Never she had needed to rely on Lisa this much and never had the blonde felt this powerless to help her out of it.
In the past, the detective had always been able to find words that soothed whatever grief was washing over the dark haired, but now? Now Lisa felt like it was entirely her fault, like every bit of pain her lover was in had been carefully applied by her, by the greed with which she'd accepter her love and the idiocy with which she'd reciprocated it.
"Carla, darling, I am so sorry" she whispered, unsurprisingly finding her own cheeks to be damp, the crown of the brunette's head drenched with tears.
Carla's arms tighten around her in response, her ribs screaming for her to pull away.
Instead, Lisa squeezed her back, pulling gently to invite the dark haired to lie beside her, to let her hold her properly. Carla gave in immediately, legs curling up and tangling with Lisa's as she laid against the back of the couch with her, face still buried in the blonde's neck.
"I am so incredibly sorry" Lisa repeated "So, so sorry" she shook her head a little, Carla's nose still pressed against her pulse point.
She could have sworn that, for a moment, it had been replaced by the brunette's lips.
Carla muttered something but it came out choked in a sob, and Lisa missed it completely.
"It's okay darling, we have all the time in the world, you can tell me anything you want when you're in a fit state to" the blonde adopted that soothing, maternal tone she'd found with time that Carla sometimes needed to calm down, to relax into a touch or conversation "You're safe now, you're safe and loved and if you're ever ready to give me another a chance, if you still want me to, I will do all that is in my power to make it up to you, to make sure you recover from this mess of my making" her hands roamed gently over the woman's shoulders, whose movements had relaxed a little, the frequency of her sobs decreasing every minute "I am so sorry, Carla, you deserve so much better than what I gave you"
Carla's face slowly emerged and her eyes found Lisa's, now both of them were accostumed enough to the dark.
"I shouldn't have come back tonight, I'm sorry" the dark haired whispered, voice heavy.
"It's okay, there will always be space for you between my arms" Lisa shifted gently to kiss the side of her head, something Carla had always done for her whenever she was upset, showering her with little acts of affection that she knew grounded Lisa more than anything. The blonde didn't know if it was appropriate now, but she knew it was needed "Plus this is your house, Carla, you have every right to be here" she added as the brunette's head fell to her shoulder, forehead pressed against her collarbone.
"I couldn't- I couldn't sleep, not without knowing what you were doing" Carla admitted "I couldn't sleep knowing that I'd robbed you of my presence now that you're just beginning to come to terms with all of what she put you through, Lisa, I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you, if you did something out of sadness or desperation or-" she realized she'd let her tongue run too far when she raised her head and her eyes landed on Lisa again.
The blonde's gaze was laced with something dangerously close to betrayal.
"You came home because you pity me. Because you think I wouldn't last a day without someone who holds my hand through shit" Lisa's voice was cold now, her eyes rid of any tears.
Carla's hands ran to the blonde's shoulders, steadying her in place "No, this is not what it is, Lisa, it's not" she whimpered as the blonde broke free from her arms, watched her as she paced the room nervously and as her eyes lost all touch with reality. Carla knew that look, the one that meant Lisa was too deep in her head to hear a thing.
So she didn't speak, she just watched her pace over and over until it was Lisa who spoke first.
"You think me selfish enough to leave my daughter behind, to leave you behind"
Wasn't that what she'd just been doing, wishing for Becky to kill her just half an hour prior, actively moving so the intruder would notice her.
"It wouldn't be selfish, Lisa, suicide never is. And I don't think you would, I just-"
"You think I could?" Lisa barked, but the facade was breaking.
"I think everybody in your place could, sweetheart" Carla's eyes softened so much they almost felt sharp against the blonde's, who hesitated for a second before grabbing hold of the hand that was being offered to her and letting Carla pull her back into the couch and into her embrace.
"In my place?" she chuckled, self-deprecating "You've just been-" she stopped, unsure if Carla was ready to hear said what had been done to her, deciding it was best to avoid it "You're the victim in this, Carla, not me, and I don't understand how you could possibly not hate me for it"
Carla's arms pulled her down completely, soft hands running through blonde locks as soon as Lisa's weight fell on the cushions again.
"Lisa, it's not about who had it worse, okay? And you're not at fault at this"
"Carla, I slept with her. I didn't fight it, I didn't even give her a firm no, I just let her" the blonde cried, waiting for the other woman to recoil in horror.
"I know, she was like a dog with a bone, telling me all about it. And she was proud of it, Lise, proud of the way you looked at her, and I thought she was lying just to hurt me, but then she said something, something specific, that had me sure it had happen. And I was furious at first, both at her and you, because my little ego, it felt a little bruised, you know? But then I thought about it, about what she'd said, and Lisa I know how much it hurt you, you know it happened to me, too-"
Lisa recoiled.
"I wasn't raped"
"You didn't jump in her bed either, did you? You didn't ask her to take you to bed, you didn't bask in the attention like you always do. She made sure I knew, Lisa, she made sure I knew how proud she was to having gone back to her old life of getting exactly what she wanted, even if it meant pushing a few tricky buttons, even if it meant making you feel like it was your duty to be at her mercy" soft fingertips kept brushing over Lisa's cheekbones, wiping away the years as soon as they spilled, not an invite to stop crying but a confirmation that she was in the safest place to do so "You are not at fault at this, and even if I'm not ready to go back to normal just yet, you don't have to make amends for anything"
"Carla, I let her in to our house and I let you out of it. I have the world to make amends for" she fought back "I knew how you were always afraid you were competing with her and you never truly were, not in my eyes anyway, but my point of view has nothing to with how you feel, has it? You felt second best, again. I know you did, and I let it happen"
Carla tightened her grip on her, planting a solid kiss on her fiancée's forehead "What else could you have possibly done Lisa? She was your wife of twenty years, she was in danger and- she was the love of your life, darling, it was only right that you chose to keep her life safe, instead of my feelings. I shouldn't have asked you to give her up for me"
Lisa shook her head vigorously.
"No, I won't have this" she pushed Carla away, gently but steadily "I won't let you make up excuses for my unacceptable behavior, I won't let you diminish yourself, your feelings, to make me feel better, you don't deserve to be made to feel that way, and I don't deserve your blind forgiveness" she sat up straight and put a little distance between them, just enough to be still touching but not pressed against one another, and let her hand wander to Carla's, fingers intertwining "I want to work it out properly, I want to leave nothing open to interpretation, nothing for me or for you to spiral upon, nothing unsaid, because you deserve to feel loved and chosen and like you mean the absolute world to me, and if I can't make you feel that way, then you deserve to be able to walk away without feeling like you're breaking me beyond repair" Carla watched her new resolve, in awe of this woman who kept rising from her ashes so fiercely at every shot life threw her way "I couldn't sleep either tonight, not in our bed and not here, because every time I close my eyes there you are, running in front of that bus, waving your hands like you can stop it by willpower alone. Why did you do that, Carla? After all I'd put you through, why did you risk your life like that?"
Carla's hand tightened around hers, a silent promise. I'm here, I'm alright, I'm safe.
"I couldn't just stand there and watch the love of my life die"
Lisa gasped slightly, earning a light chuckle.
"I might not be able to show it right now, I might not want you near all the time while I, we, work this all out, but you are the love of my life, Lisa"
the blonde leaned her head on the woman's shoulder a little before murmuring, just loud enough for her to hear like she was confessing her darkest secrets.
"I won't say it fully now because I know you won't believe me, so I'll just save it for a better time. But so are you, Carla, please don't ever doubt that it was always you, it will only ever be you"
When Lisa woke up in the morning, Carla was tucked away into her side, arms loosely wrapped around her middle just like Lisa was holding her in return, legs tangled under a duvet Ryan or Betsy must have laid upon them in the early morning, when the girl left for college and the older boy set off to work.
Carla looked so peaceful in her sleep, but the way her hands were full of the fabric of Lisa's shirt spoke volumes about how much she'd needed the proximity during the night.
They had talked some more before they'd settled, agreeing to start therapy both as individuals and a a couple, both remarking the importance of being on the same page, truly this time.
Carla's eyes fluttered open as she shifted in Lisa's side, just enough to be able to look at her.
"Hey" the brunette smiled, almost shy.
It felt like closure, the end of a chapter of their lives they had no business carrying on, half a decade of misplaced grief for Lisa and, for Carla, a year of swallowing the sourest of pills for the sake of her lover.
It felt like setting the ground for something new to bourgeon from their struggles, from the pain and the heartbreak they'd both been put through.
Lisa kissed her forehead, knowing well enough she had to earn her way to the brunette's lips with time.
And there was nothing she wanted more than to finally be the person Carla served to have by her side, nothing she wanted more than for Carla to know how loved she truly was, how loved she'd be when they were both ready to open up entirely again.
"Hey" she whispered on the skin of her forehead as warm arms wrapped tighter around her back, pulling her in.
They'd part ways as soon as they'd stand up, it was clear for them both. They'd argue and there'd be lots of misplaced blame, on both sides, lots of pushing each other away, but both of them were strong of the knowledge they were committed to the process, to each other.
So they remained like than, entangled, just until life inevitably got to them.