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It's been.. Years. And I'm still thinking about you and now I'm writing about it.
10 years since the falling out, and months since the fucking disaster of comic con. Hauling Bills dumbass into the car, people dying back in that place, and also losing my girlfriend in the crowd because.. Ah.. I'd rather not think back too much.
But those time stamps.. Or date stamps?
I almost forgot.
Oh right.. During those 10 years after the falling out and the entire comic store burning down, I did get in contact with Pete. 3 years after the comic store burnt down, to be specific. Just before Mandi came along. My sweet girl.
It was.. It was Christmas when Pete called my number after those 3 years and I was 20 when all of this happened,
"Hello? Is Jerome T. Stokes there?"
"Yes, it's him. Wait-- is--is this Pete?"
"Ah fuck, you recognised me fast, huh Jer?"
"Of course I would. Why.. Why are you.. I shouldn't be talking to you right now, you know?"
"I know I know.. Loosen up my man."
"Can't loosen up after what happened back there."
"Ah.. Right.. Almost forgot how bad it was."
"Why are you even calling me right now? During midnight?"
"And why are you picking up to my call at midnight and talking to me?"
"Haha. Funny, Pete."
"Just wondering if you'd wanna catch up for Christmas? At the bar if you're not out of state."
"Of course, sure. Why the fuck not!"
"That's my Jerry. The Jerry I know and.. Love?"
---------
Christmas night : 8:43PM
"I thought Christians don't drink and get drunk like a depressed middle aged father after getting divorced." Jerry joked, elbowing Pete as they ordered a few drinks.
"Oddly specific, but no, not a goddamn father that got divorced. And.. I don't even.. Hah, fuckin' complicated, my family is all Christian so I have to be like them too but.. Don't know."
"I thought you were really Christian when we were younger."
"Oh that shit? Was scared of my father and shit, forced to go Church on Sunday all the time so I had to act the part so I don't get shit all over me."
"I see.. So now.. Actually that makes sense, cause if you were actually Christian back there, you'd be a really fucked up one."
"Still fucked up now. But atleast I ain't living with my old man no more. Shits always fucked up with him and my brothers."
They both did a small toast before downing their alcohol, starting to warm up to eachother, like back then but as adults with responsibilities instead of being the stupid teenagers that were absorbed in their hobbies.
"We should do this more often, you know? Get in contact with eachother and stuff.. It's nice to have you talking to me again, Pete."
"I agree. Just don't call bill over and I won't try to kill someone."
As the alcohol finally set in, they both suddenly remembered something,
"Did you ever think of me in any other way? Back then?" Jerry asked, staring down at his empty glass.
"What way?"
"You ever liked me? Like.. Just a little.."
Awkward silence, awkward moment and unspoken feelings lingered in the air as they just stared at either their glass, the table, other people around them or small glances shooting at eachother. "I guess.. I guess I liked the way you always stuck with me." Pete said, his mind starting to fog a little due to the drinks. "And I liked the way you'd always.. Skip and ditch the meetings with me. Even if I wasn't into magic the gathering, I liked how you talked about it like it was precious treasure." Pete continued, his cheeks flushing red, his eyes closed, and he could his heart pounding and his head pulsing due to his nervousness, and also the drinks.
"I guess.. I guess I felt.. Feel.. Felt the same. Even if I'd hate to admit it back then, I really did like being with you back then. I liked the way we got along, even when we were two completely different people."
Between them, it was silence while other people in the back were either sobbing, fucking or getting wasted. Pete inches closer to Jerry, now actually sitting right next to eachother. "Your hairs been growing."
"Planning to grow it out. Looks good?"
"Yeah.. Save some hair for me when I'm balding. Think it's starting for me already, goddamit."
"You want me to shave it and glue on your head or something? What me to shave my pubes next and stick down there for ya' too?"
"Bro!"
They laughed, Pete's hand grabbing onto Jerry's shoulder, laughing as they got closer to eachother. The spark was lit again, like the days back then when nothing was going on and when there was nothing to think too much on. It was a sweet moment. At least between these two grease bags.
The night continued, constant laughs and then transitions to dark conversations and a bunch of "remember when.." Stuff, and another lot of future plans. Even after the.. The great break up of the Eltingville club, Pete and Jerry still got along just fine, just until the point Pete was fuckin' wasted while Jerry was surprisingly still managing alright. I guess the drinks got to Pete too much cause nothing could be gotten Jerry to prepare for what happened next,
"Jerry.. I think., I think I love you man."
"O--oh--oh shit! Really? Wait--wait--wait oh--oh fuck--!!? I think I do too but-- wait--no your drunk! You are so fucking drunk right now, Pete--!"
Jerry felt his heart race, his mind going crazy. Is this for real? This is coming from a drunk man who.. Who probably isn't too great but.. Still.
"Come on, let's get you back to your apartment.. Alright?"
Jerry dragged Pete over to his car, letting Pete's head lay back on the headrest, his eyes almost closing and his mouth slurring words. Jerry looks back at Pete, a small smile appearing on his face. "Hope you've.. You've changed these days." Jerry muttered, starting the car and heading over to where Pete was staying. Wait, he doesn't even know where Pete lived. So Jerry just stayed in the car, waiting. He should've just gone back to his place but.. Eh... Jerry still stayed with his parents so it might be weird bringing back a random balding man back home that's flat out drunk, and to be specific, that man was a friend that his parents forbid Jerry to see again.
Jerry doesn't smoke, and he might just be a little against it, seeing the pack of cigarettes falling out of Pete's pocket made him feel a little sad.
"You've been smoking, again. Thought you'd quit after 18." Jerry held his hand out, taking it and hiding it in his car, "You'll thank me later when you aren't hungover, or you'll kill me." Jerry chuckled, why the fuck was he talking to himself right now?
Pete woke up, Jerry was staring out the car window then finally realising-- "oh-- shit man, didn't realise you were awake."
"Calm down, I just woke up."
"You still smoking?"
"Of course man. Without smoking then I'd probably be dead right now."
"Dead in the next few years because of cancer soon. Thought I remembered correctly that you' said you'd stop smoking after your 18."
"Don't trust whatever I said when I was a kid. I was probably feeling like shit and tried to promise myself to be good. To be a better person than whoever my brother and my father was, even my mom too."
"Well, not gonna talk on that anymore. Let's get you back home."
"I just fucking realised we are still in your car."
"Yep. Can't exactly bring you back to my place, my parents are still with me."
"Cool. So you just living rent-free?"
"Do you know how expensive it is to get a house these days?"
Jerry soon parked outside of this.. Shady area but, if he dies here then Pete will have to aswell.
"Wait, Pete."
"Yeah?"
"Merry Christmas. Please call again so we can.. We can spend a little more time with eachother like back then."
"Merry fucking Christmas to you too, blonde boy. See you around."
31/12/2---
Tuesday
"A day before the new years, how are you feeling?"
"Didn't expect you to call me back again, jerry."
"Had to, after what I said."
"Been well. Atleast feeling a lot more happier after we started talking."
It was the second time they called eachother, and because of that.. Both of them realised they held the same feelings for eachother, "So... Pete..you've been.. Keeping these things in since the start of the club?"
"I guess so. Yes. I didn't even realise it straight away anyway."
"Wonder why you didn't realise it.. 'straight' away.."
Took Pete a few seconds to process what Jerry just said, oh-- fuck that's funny. "Jerry, if you have any time.. Can we like do some things?"
"Like what? Kissing? Cuddling?"
"Yeah, those things and fucking."
"Let's take it slow, you goddamn perv."
7/2/2----
Motel , 8:54PM
"so are we gonna fuck?" Pete plopped down the bed,looking up at Jerry while he was putting his bag away. "I only brought you here since my mom and dad are still in town. I mean..we should just sit a while and..uh.."
"Uh what? You telling me that we ain't gonna do anything?"
"i mean.. I don't know how I'd feel if we did actually have sex. It's what lovers do."
"so we ain't lovers?" Pete looked up at Jerry standing infront of him.
"... We are."
"Then come here and take my shirt off, pretty boy."
Jerry reached out to put his hands on Pete's shoulders, then pinning him down on the bed, "I.. I never really thought I'd do this." Jerry mumbled before kissing Pete on the mouth, a few pecks on the lips turned into a more sloppy attempt to eat eachothers mouth out with eyes closed, Jerry never done this before and he only watched people from afar, from movies or from comics do this. He only fantasized about doing this to chicks but now.. It was all weird, different, because he never had his mind cross the line of simple hand-holding and hugging with Pete because even if Jerry couldn't touch him, he'd come over and say he looked just great.
Jerry moved his hand from Pete's shoulder to his hand, squeezing it tightly while he felt a hand tug on his shirt. And from that, Jerry didn't know if it was sweetness or lust that Pete wanted from this, but he needed this, both of them needed this. Because for when your teenage crush was on top of you, holding your hand and kissing you was something Pete thought of after their sleepover ended, maybe he even thought of breaking in through the window and have himself resting on Jerry's chest when things got rough back at home.
"You're making me all soft, Jer. Like watering me down to a little faggot boy." He huffed out, Pete could only look down at himself, he felt.. Guilty. He always felt guilty when he dreamed of Jerry and now it's all real. He didn't think this feeling could be so much to bare now. Maybe it was the little Christian boy that had him freaking out under Jerry the entire time, from the start to the finish, the thing is that,
Pete has never prayed so hard before in his life when Jerry was kissing him. He prayed so hard so that Jerry would take him and let everything he felt deep down about his sexuality be pushed down and forgotten. It was only Jerry that let him stay vulnerable even when he never wanted to be, his dad, brother or even his younger self wouldve killed him for being so damn faggoty like this, letting Jerry, out of everyone, not even a hot chick that has ass for days, do this to him, pin him down and tounge him in a motel room. That's so fucking gay man.
15/2/2---
10:52PM : Saturday : At the park
First date after finally being a offical gay couple. But Pete doesn't like having labels, especially the ones where it uses gay, or whatever cause, quote on quote, makes him feel too feminine and how it makes them less of a man. Was this even a date? They only walked around the park during the night, complained about how shit it was to be an adult then made out in the car afterwards, and then Pete got a blowjob. Is this what adults do to cope with their sad lives or something?
As Pete slipped his cock into the other man's mouth, it was already getting late, heavy breathing taking over the car space while the rain outside grew louder. After a few minutes of "Hmph-- ah.. Shit.. Can't.. Can't hold it in no more, Jer.." Pete grunted, his hands holding Jerry's head down while he threw his head back. His balls were about to fucking blow, but he just kept going. Jerry wasn't good at sucking dick because this was the first time but he did know how to make a guy orgasm, mainly because he's a guy himself. Moving back up only to tease the tip. This feeling was so fucking unreal. Giving a blowjob to your bestfriend you thought you'd never see again, this was probably the worst thing he did but--
"Don't fuckin' look at me like that, Jer. Makes me.. Ough.. Shit.. Fuck!" Pete only pulled at Jerry's hair tighter, his body felt like static all over. Everything was overwhelming, his feelings and the sensation of the man that he couldn't bring himself to love, and even though this wasn't Pete's first time getting a blowjob but it was definitely.. Something different, something more guilty. A deep wave of regret splashed at Pete when he glanced down over at Jerry, it was only under these circumstances where he felt something much more complex than just pleasure, fearing for why he was being so true to his own feelings towards Jerry now.
11:13PM : cleaning up
"Didn't know how hard it was to swallow cum."
"Hows the taste of cock?"
"Sweat, like raw meat, salty even."
"That's how every cock should be tasting like. A real man's kind."
Was it immature? Immature to still hate how Pete talked about being a real man? He's everything but that but on the other hand.. Now I guess now I understand why my body kind of refused to swallow cum. Tasted disgusting, swallowing felt even more worse, it wasnt too watery but also not too thick, Jerry kinda thought itd be more like melted ice cream. How do pornstars do this thing? Grrooossss...
23/4/2---
7:12PM
Thursday
Pete's place
Did he always have company over? Not that I hate his roommates but.. Kind of.. Annoying.
Jerry followed Pete from behind, finally getting to where and what was Pete living in, oh yeah, fucking stinks of alcohol, cigarettes and cum? Or sex? Did that have a smell? Whatever it was, definitely something Jerry didn't want to acknowledge, like at all. Looking around, he already spotted 2 other guys hanging around, "Are they your like..."
"Co-workers. Working at this one place and thought it'd be fun to have these guys around."
"Fun. Would it be fun if they watch us go crazy on the bed or something?"
"Calm down Jer. They'd look away, we've done worse."
"God fucking dammit Pete, I feel like I'm about to get 4 different kinds of STD's here. And your one of them."
"Don't say that when you already sucked my dick good."
Jerry sighed, his hand still holding onto Pete's, somehow still willing to fuck with Pete even with 2 randoms here. Even if they were in another room and had our doors locked, it was still kind of weird, no? Ah fuck man.. "Okay, just so you know.. Can they not watch us when we fuck?"
"Sure. Whatever man."
7:23PM
I can feel your heat,
I never really thought we could make it this far, maybe some fantasies here and there when I was younger, just didn't think I'd have you closing in and out of me, and while your 5 inches inside of me, I'm holding onto your sheets,
I see your face while you lean closer to me, it's only right that I beg for you, for you to let me be a little closer to you,
"Please.. Hold me a little closer man.."
"Jerry.. You know how pretty you look right now?" Pete groaned as he tucked a piece of hair behind Jerry's ear,
"You look so pretty moaning like that for me. Pretty while your hairs all messy too." He mumbled,
And while I lay on the bed before you, I see you, I see your healed scars that you left on yourself back in those days, I remember helping you with the aftercare just so you won't get an infection. At first the only thing Jerry feared was when he was younger was that if Pete was ever gonna stop being friends with him or he'll continue to cut himself but now all that he could fear is if Pete can only love him when Jerry's letting him undress and make the blonde boy feel like a woman, Jerry can only close his eyes and let Petes warmth take over him and let Pete degrade him with his body. Bury me beneath your fantasies, fetishes and your degeneracy because that's when you actually take me into your arms, pinning me down to the bed and showing me how lovers have sex.
7:58PM
"It hurts. My fucking booty hurts." Jerry mumbled as he looked down at the sink while Pete laid in bed, scrolling through his phone.
"That's what they always say whenever I'm done with em."
"With them? You-- you had sex with other people before--?!"
"You think I ain't get any play or something?"
".. It's whatever. I'm just shocked."
Jerry could only stare down at himself. This felt weird, pathetic and shitty, Jerry really thought he was Pete's first experience, atleast the first experience with a guy.
"You mad, Jer?"
"I am not."
"You look like it."
"I said I am not."
Jerry closed the door, locking it. "I'm just gonna take a dump, kay?" He said before sitting down on the toilet, still in his boxers. His ass kind of hurt man. Suuure he watched porn all the fucking time back then when he was a wee little boy but he wasn't that educated, ow, I guess virgins aren't supposed to have rough sex on the first night. The door unlocks and open, Jerry made his way over to the bed after Pete was done cleaning it up,
Jerry can only stare at the ceiling while Pete was scrolling on the phone, both of them just... just staying quiet. Jerry.. He didn't feel like this was correct, it didn't feel like what he thought it would be like. He was out of breath, he was begging and pulling Pete down to kiss while they fucked, it was intimate already. They were naked, the most bare and vulnerable that they've ever been with eachother,
It was only when they both sat next to eachother underneath a tree as they told eachother fake promises and the things they'd do when they were older that felt like they understood eachother, when their knees touch and the both of them didn't move away. Wearing Pete's jacket in the comic-book shop when it got cold cause of Joe turning up the air conditioning during the summer, or when they held hands under the table during meetings felt more intimate than when he was taking off Jerry's shirt as he whispered dirty talk into his ear.
Maybe it was the nostalgia taking over his mind but, ever since the day they stopped ditching the meetings, stopped resting their arm over the others shoulder, stopped hitting eachother when they both laughed a little too hard, it never felt the same. Even when Jerry made out with Pete to chase the feeling of what he always wanted back, it never came. Not even once did it come back for him to feel it.
He wanted that feeling of regret because of he felt something serious. He begged God to make him less of a faggot when he had strong feelings and when he stared at the other guy longer than he should, Jerry wanted that back, so did Pete. They both wanted the feeling of being wrong back,
Just that Pete wanted to let it go earlier than Jerry,
Hookers, prostitutes, and the women from his little snuff flim job. It all let him take that thought out of his head when Jerry was gone since the fire. Though maybe when he was done nutting into either an asshole, pussy or someone's mouth at work, he wanted it to be a certain someone else.
---------------
7/5/2--- , 8:34PM
Why is it that I always end up on his bed? I want Pete to look at me like I'm his lover but it's only when I'm down and begging for him to just feel me one more time,
"Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you love me?"
Jerry looked up at Pete, seeing the hesitation in his eyes. "Or do you only love me when I'm beneath you?"
"How is this not love, Jerry? We're both..you know making love."
"It doesnt.. Feel like love when all you want is to degrade me and make me moan dirty things into your ear."
...are they really saying this when in doggy position?
I lay upon your bed and I open like a flower, you see me crying into your pillow while you take me like I'm worth nothing. How can I control myself when I get off of to this? Feeling Pete's hand rubbing his cock, Jerry can only whine and push back against him when he felt the thumb pressing down on his tip and rubbing it in circular motions, it only makes Jerry bite down on his lip.
"Flip over, I wanna see your face."
Pete pulls out of Jerry to let him switch to laying on his back, he was beautiful. Jerry was beautiful, always has been, his pale skin, those eyes and how his hair got all messy and wet. Jerry looked different, but even then, this was still the boy that Pete missed for years. Even if he never had a thing for men, or sex of this kind, if he could,
Pete would want to spend the rest of his life like this, intimate and gentle, having the nasty degenerate he was, gone and diluted down to a person he promised he'd be when he was younger. Well, he can't promise that though.
--------------
All the things we've done these past few months as lovers, and after taking things more seriously
The first few months of settling into the relationship, Jerry always had his lips pressed against Pete's forehead whenever Pete was about to leave for work, Jerry doesn't even know what he worked for, but aslong as he got to stay over on the weekends at Pete's place because it felt more comfortable, more familiar than his own. Also because he liked looking through Pete's stuff, he liked seeing all the little trinkets they gave eachother back then and all the little notes they passed to eachother. The past always comes haunting Jerry,
Going out for quick trips to the convenient store, Jerry always held Pete's hand even when he didn't need to, and even sometimes Pete had his arm around Jerry's, only when there weren't many people around though,
The first winter had them out in the snow, throwing snowballs, making snowmen and doing snow angels while craving their names into the snow. It was something that they always did back then, it was great knowing that they still wanted to play around with eachother in the snow like they always did before. When Pete lit a cigarette, Jerry told him that it was wrong to smoke, he always did. Always tried to reprimand Pete from smoking back in their teen days, but today in particular, Jerry did smoke in the end, maybe this is why his parents didn't let Jerry be around Pete that often.
Even on boring days, they took walks around the park when Pete and Jerry weren't busy with work, resting on the benches, having Pete lay his head on Jerrys shoulder or maybe it was Jerry laying his head on Pete's shoulder while they both stared off into the distance with no exchange of words. On some nights, they had their backs turned on eachother, not because they fought or argue but because there always this feeling between them, mainly radiating from Pete though. It always left room for something to be said, but none of them had the courage to say what was on their mind, but when the wind was colder and the room was darker, they had eachother in their arms, most of the times it was Jerrys head on Pete's chest, hearing the sound of his heartbeat made it easier to sleep.
Things felt right but there was always a nagging feeling inside of Pete that it wasn't right for a Christian man like him,even if he left that version of himself a long time ago and left it abandoned, he wanted something more and gives what he can to Jerry, but yet he never knew what he was giving it for. He never changed.
For Jerry, Pete was everything that he saw when he closed his eyes. Replacing the feeling of needing more, Jerry knows that Pete doesn't feel exactly what he felt, but deep down, Jerry wanted to feel that he was wrong, and that he did believe that Pete changed his ways.
1/1/2----
11:31PM
Local bar , Pete's confession on the new year,
"Jer, you wanna know something?"
"Sure. Hit me with it."
"I don't think I can be with you, and I wanna break up."
"What?" Jerry chuckled, "Are you serious? Like actually?after everything?" He put down his cup, looking at Pete in disbelief. ".. Why though?"
Pete just looked down at the floor, trying to avoid looking at Jerry. " Because.. Well..," Pete paused for a second, then looking up at the other man, "I just don't know how I can continue trying to pretend that your a woman in my bed when I fuck you.",
"Second, I just think we've been taking it way too.. Seriously. We had sex and all but it was..way too... You know?"
"What do you mean, you know? What are you trying to say?"
"You make me feel like a sissy. I don't know how to say this but God man.. sometimes I just wanna fuck you like a ragdoll and use you like a fleshlight but it's like your some nun, never letting me go there."
"...That's all? All of it?"
"Adding to my point, you..you were kind of just a quick bang I had on my bed, but you took it so seriously whenever you opened your mouth." Pete took a sip from his drink, his plan was kinda to get so flat out drunk that Jerry can't help but to drive him back to his place and have them fuck dirty for one last time, shitty plan but it IS Pete that thought of this. "So what you're basically saying is that I was being too serious while we had sex and I made you feel like a sissy? About the entire thing? Pete--! You--... Well God fucking forbid I take a relationship between us to be something meaningful."
"Come on, you..you really thought a guy like me was someone you can make meaning with? Seriously Jerry? After how I was like in the club? I was a nasty kid, I'm just a nasty man now." Jerry watches as Pete give him that fucking smile, that little cocky smirk he saw everytime Jerry was down on his knees while Pete had his pants down to his ankles, always made him want to throw something, or anything at it. "I know you! I know you were a little rat bastard in the past, so was I! But-- but I guess I'm the fucking idiot for thinking that you could change after everything, that you could've grown into someone that wasn't so fucking insecure about being-- being a sissy!"
Pete only looked away once more after those words went through his head, "Jerry, you don't think that this was all.. just to have some fun?",
"You.. We! We had sex! You were calling me pretty and shit while you fucked me in my ass, and you were tucking my hair behind my ear! That's not fucking fun-- it's not funny to just say you 'banged' me, I swear to God--"
"You think sex is that deep? That fucking deep, Jer?"
"Its what lovers do, Pete! And.. And I swear to God by my memory, you asked me if we were lovers in that--"
"Jerry, can you just stop? I get it alright? You find sex to be what level 100 lovers do, but it's ridiculous on how you thought I'd be so fucking similar to what you think, you should've known!"
"Shouldve known?! How could I know when you were saying sweet little shits into my ear when you drilled into me?!"
"Cause I've never been that kinda guy, alright? I play by the fuckin' rules aight?! Sex ain't that deep when you're with a guy like ME! Pete Micheal fuckin' DiNunzio. And Jerry, can you please just stop whining? I don't wanna sit here and hear you bitch about this. It ain't fuckin' serious, never been."
Jerry slammed his glass down, "How can you use one breath to say those things all at once, Pete?", standing up and glaring down at Pete. It was as if it was all some casual joke, but to Jerry..it was fucking everything to him, having someone to be his first kiss, his first boyfriend to have him squirming in the sheets,
for when the condoms on their bed scatter around was when Jerry thought that it was gonna his time being a man inlove, for when the morning arrives and the lighting hits Pete's back while he put his clothes on, maybe what Jerry felt what love was, was just him being a weekend lover.
Leaving that damn bar, fuck man.. It really got him messed up, the bar where they first started getting into contact with eachother after years of no contact. Funny how it was new years when this entire thing went through and Christmas when they started getting the spark back to it's brightest, Jerry's heart ached, it always had, since the start of when he realised that he wanted to get closer to Pete and with that, the closer was to kiss him all over, even if Pete never saw what Jerry has seen in him.
Pete stole his heart and threw it against the wall, or that's what he thought. Kind of sounds like a bio for a depressed teen.
10/9/2---
Jerry has been spending his days trying to move on, forget and let all the things he wanted to say that day go, but sometimes when he's in bed or when his clothes stink of Pete's cigarettes and messy bedroom, he can't help but to remember how nasty Pete made him feel, yet it was so good, it made his body feel unreal, make that weird feeling he always gotten in his stomach and have a rush of adrenaline running through his veins. Its like he loved the way he was held after being treated like shit in bed, the shiver in his body whenever Pete shamed him for being needy, or when Pete pressed against Jerry while he teased his most weakest spots. It always left something to say at the moment, but he couldn't muster up the courage to be begging for more. Its so hard to erase a man's face from your head when all he did was make you feel a little complete when he rips another packet of condoms apart. For all the things Jerry should've said back in those days, he balled it all up and swallowed it down his throat, he'll let it all go, soon, maybe when his hair grows another inch.
Just know that Jerry won't be going to any more bars these days. Especially when the bar smelled like Pete himself, and how he still can remember the amount of shots Pete had when they both started talking again and when they ended things there, when Jerry still saw the shadows of Pete in the dim light. It was hell, can't even go to the bar when you're all fucked up because then it'll make you even more fucked up.
28/12/2---
Comic-Con
My sweet girl Mandi came along after a few months, meeting her made me feel less suicidal, and that I could actually make it out of this shithole called wishing that my ex would come back, it's been years since Pete made me want to bury myself alive.
Sitting at the table with the Eltingville Club, and skipping through the awkward conversation I had when finally facing Pete again after a long while. The person inside me kept begging me to just punch him in the face but.. God.
When Mandi finally showed up to the table,
"So..you got a girlfriend now, Jer?" Pete glanced over at Jerry. "Didnt think you'd get one."
"Haha, it's a pretty long story."
To be honest, NOBODY knew that Jerry and Pete even started seeing eachother. Not Josh, not bill, not Mandi. It was just between Pete and Jerry that knew the true story on why they were both so awkward and uncomfortable with eachother right now. Like not in the way like how Josh and Pete wanted to bash Bills head into the wall kind of uncomfortable but you do get what I'm trying to say right?
"Whats up with the both of you guys?" Bill noticed the tension between the two,
"Nothin', he's still salty I pumped and dumped his ass after casual sex.
"Okay, woah woah woah, what's going on?" Josh said, looking at the two, "What does he mean by that?" Mandi questioned, looking at him then back to the bald man at the other end.
"Pete are you trying to make me mad or something? Don't fucking-- that's not what we fucking did alright?!" He raised his voice, obvious that Pete was getting on his nerves now. Not even a full 20 minutes later and Jerry's on the edge of having a breakdown after seeing the man who ruined love for him after like what..? 7? 8? Years of trying to move on? "Nothing was just fucking casual alright?! And on the goddamn record, I'm not fucking salty! I've moved on!"
"Oh yeah, totally. Why are you getting so pissy right now? Totally, totally moved on. Even after getting a girlfriend, you still probably moaning my name out when your fucking her ass--"
"Lay off of my girlfriend, won't you Pete?! And maybe I am fucking salty, but I'm actually just fucking mad about the fact you never tried to fucking realise that it was more than just casual sex!"
"It was just casual sex, I bang you and I leave for work the next morning, what's so intimate bout that? We never did aftercare--"
"We never did that, but you know full on that we-- we had something. Call me a sissy, a faggot, a loser or whatever the fuck you want, Pete! You know full well that we are more than just a quick bang you little shit!" Jerry stood up then walking towards the exit, it'll take a long time to get back since the way to get in was already fucking hell, having Mandi follow along from behind,full of questions and with no answers,
Jerry wanted to bury all of this down, he didn't want to have Mandi know that he was a gay man. Didn't want her to know that he got off to the fact he got treated like shit by his own childhood best friend all because of false hope that he'll change and that Pete saw a spark of hope and love for Jerry. "Why--why did you have to hide that from me, Jerry?! You couldve told me--!" Jerry knew that she wasn't mad, she wasn't upset but just.. Why? Why did he have to hide it for so long?
"Because I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I'm a fucking homo that let some dumb motherfucker of a piece of shit fuck me in just ass and dump me, alright?!" He said while keeping his back on Mandi, he couldn't bring himself to look at her, he knew that it was wrong to just say it, but to admit.. He felt like a sissy when he thought about telling the entire thing with Pete to his girlfriend. He hates himself for dragging the lie for so long and not telling what was true to the woman that made him feel happier than he has ever been.
Now Jerry's in bed, staring at her and wondering how did his feelings come to such a mess today? And after this long day, he'll definitely go to his therapist even more now.
He decided it's final that he'll never reach out to meet up, ever again.