Chapter Text
There aren’t enough words in English—or even Polish—to describe what Zosia felt after Carol and Manousos were able to successfully un-join her.
Brunette went from feeling complete contentment, joy, and love to feeling utterly and entirely alone, the lonely thoughts included. At first second, she felt anger. How could they do this to her? How could they separate her from what could have been a lifetime of happiness? But as Zosia swiftly started remembering things from before and from when she was joined, she felt relief. To be able to form an individual thought. To be able to say whatever she wanted. To be able to yell, scream, howl, and do whatever Zosia’s heart desired.
At first, she avoided Carol. Manousos wasn’t the problem, so Zosia had no qualms chatting to him. Asking him questions. Answer back. But Carol? It was almost impossible to look straight into her eyes. And Carol felt it too. Zosia’s confusion. Her loneliness. Her anger and despair. Jak mogę rozmawiać z kimś, z kim dzieliło mnie (ich?) tak dużo? Czy Carol wie, że to nie na nią jestem tak bardzo zła? Czy ona rozumie, że cała nasza trójka jest po prostu ofiarą tego cholernego kosmicznego wirusa? (How can I talk to someone who was so connected to me (them?). Does Carol know that she’s not the one I’m so upset with? Does she understand that our trio are the victims of this damn alien virus?)
Zosia didn’t think Carol understood that. And it would be easy to ask her and explain. It would be easy to express all that Zosia was thinking. All she has to do is go up Carol and talk to her. Like an adult. Easy. But it wasn’t as easy, was it? No, especially not with the way Carol looked at Zosia, as if she thought Zosia was going to kill her, call her names, or spit at her. She had that guilty look every single damn time Zosia caught her staring, and it, frankly, drove her insane. Carol knew fully well she remembered. She told them so herself after the un-joining happened. Why didn’t Carol want to talk to her? Is it because… she missed the hive Zosia?
Zosia shook her head, chuckling to herself but there was no humor in it. No, she cannot possibly think about it right now. She cannot focus on her insecurities, not when Carol is looking at her again. Like she wants to say something.
„What?”, Zosia would ask.
„Wh-nothing. Nothing. I’m sorry, it’s nothing,” Carol would respond and that’s where Zosia would give up. She huffed with frustration and walked away before she could say something to Carol that she’d regret.
***
That same night, Zosia found Carol standing on the balcony, drinking a glass of whiskey that she so loved. Quietly, Zosia came up to Carol, taking in that specific Albuquerque landscape. There was something soothing to her about it. So foreign and different than what Zosia was used to back in Poland.
Once Carol felt Zosia’s presence, she turned and looked at her. She smiled lightly to the tall brunette, but the smile never reached her eyes. Zosia noticed that she must have been sipping on her drink a while because all the ice melted.
“I wanted to say thank you,” Zosia started. “For saving me. I realized I never said that to you.”
Carol looked at her like she grew two heads, like a “thank you” would be the last thing she thought she’d hear. Or even deserved to hear. Zosia didn’t understand why.
“You have nothing to be thanking me for, Zosia. Believe me. I owed it to you and I now owe it to the human race. I would hope someone would do the same if they were me.”
“I don’t know, Carol Sturka. I think you may be one of a kind,” Zosia added. And then simply left Carol alone to simmer in her many, many thoughts.
***
It didn’t take a long time for the hive to realize that they lost Zosia.
„Carol. Manousos. We know Zosia is there,” said a smiling man through the door as the duo looked at terrified Zosia. „Can we talk to her?”
The brunette was gazing at Carol and back at Manousos with such fear in her eyes that some primal instinct kicked in. Carol opened the door and closed it immediately to spare Zosia even one look in the direction of the hive member. She knew she couldn’t yell. Not if she wants to avoid yet another call from Laxmi.
„Listen to me, you hive-minded idiot,” she began with calm albeit full of emotions voice that threaten to tremble. „You will never see her again. Do you understand me? You don’t have Zosia’s permission to be joined again. You do not. She’s her own person, with her own memories, her own thoughts, and life. Her own agency. She doesn’t—,” she chocked up a little there at the end. „If you want to make me happy, you will leave us alone.”
The hive member continued looking at her, but she knew they were processing information. Calculating.
„If Zosia doesn’t wish to be joined, we need to hear it from her, not you, Carol,” he shrugged his arms at the same time as the door swung open, showcasing Zosia, who was, quite literally, trembling with anger, her face flushed. Carol has never seen her in this state and, deep down, she secretly loved it. That meant this was the „real” Zosia, not the hive. Not a collective. Individual Zosia.
„What don’t you understand?! You do not have my permission! You want it in Polish?”, her accent got a bit thicker there, Carol noticed. It must have been the overwhelming anger. „Nie masz mojego pozwolenia! Nie masz mojego pozwolenia! Nie masz mojego pozwolenia!” (You do not have my permission!)
At that, Carol had to pull Zosia away from the hive member as he began convulsing. Well, there goes my luck with Laxmi, Carol thought as Manousos jumped into action and started tending to the man while Carol pulled Zosia into the house. The brunette was still trembling when Carol sat her on the couch, the same couch they spent so much time talking. But this time, Zosia was real. She wasn’t a delusion. Not manipulation. Just her. Flawed, upset, confused self. Carol needed to do everything in her power to help.
„Hey, hey, it’s okay,” the blonde dared to put her hand on top of Zosia’s and it seems that this is exactly what she needed because the brunette put her other hand on top of Carol’s right away. „I know it’s hard. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I won’t let anything happen to you. Manousos and I. If this is truly what you want, to stay separated, I’ll make it my mission to protect you. We will save the rest of them, I won’t stop until the world is right. And you’re a part of it”, she added softly, caressing her knuckles.
Zosia sat there, listening intently. It almost sounded like she cared for Zosia. Like she wanted… no, Zosia won’t be going there. At that, the brunette suddenly pulled her hand away and stood up.
„Stop pretending. You don’t even want to get to know me, the real me. You don’t even talk to me at all, you just look at me with that weird gaze, like I’m going to slap you. So, stop pretending that you care,” she added and marched out of Carol’s living room, upstairs to the guest bedroom that was now her save haven.
The only think she was able to hear before the bedroom door shut was a quiet „Zosh-” before she simply ran away from complexity of their fucked-up relationship.
***
Manousos said that he had enough and was taking a break. That left Carol and Zosia to their own devises. After last interaction, things have been tensed between them, to say the least. Both women seemed to be stepping on eggshells around one another, not knowing how to break the barrier that was suddenly between them. An invisible wall of miscommunication and unsaid words.
Zosia was sitting at the kitchen table, observing Carol who was attempting to grab a fruit bowl from the highest shelf in the cabinet. As Carol stood on her tippy toes, Zosia was able to admire her strong calves. Nie mam wątpliwości, że dałaby radę mnie unieść (I have no doubt that she would be able to carry me), said her unconscious thought before she could stop this train from derailing completely.
“Oh my God, woman, just let me help you,” Zosia said, coming up right behind Carol, reaching for said bowl. Momentarily, Carol froze.
But that wasn’t what was the worst. What was the worst was that she flinched the moment she felt Zosia’s hand brushing her hip.
It was a knee-jerk reaction. Zosia winced, her face expression saying it all. Gotcha. Doesn’t want to be touched.
“Sorry,” the taller woman whispered, the pain evident in her voice.
Well, that’s that, Carol thought. She didn’t even want this stupid fruit bowl anymore.
***
After yet another tensed interaction, Zosia decided to avoid Carol altogether. She was a little use to them anyway, and they wanted her to rest. To enjoy individuality. But the only thing Zosia wanted was to be in Carol’s presence. She wouldn’t say it out loud, though, not after their last conversation. Deep down, she knew she had to take the first step. But she was now a flawed human being and decided to suffer instead. Czemu nie? (Why not?)
So instead, she spent time watching films. Reading books. Smoking cigarettes and occasionally drinking. She missed Polish vodka but contacting the hive was the last thing on her mind.
One time, when the three of them were, surprisingly, all gathered in Carol’s living room, Carol and Manousos working quietly on "saving the world" while Zosia was having her second—no, third drink, Carol looked up at the same time as Zosia was taking a sip, making an unhappy face as she did.
Carol raised her eyebrows. „Why are you so insistent on drinking my entire liquor cabinet if you don’t like what I have?”
„Well, Carrrol,” she slurred a bit there, making her „r” sound way more Polish than usual. Carol wouldn’t say it, but it made her squirm a little inside. „As you can see, I have no home, no things, and none of my favorite Polish vodka that I could use to make drinks with, so your disgusting whiskey it is”, she finished meaner than usual, but she was too buzzed to care.
Carol just looked at her and didn’t say anything. There was that look again. Was it pity now? Zosia didn’t know.
What she did know is that a few days later, there was a case of Polish vodka, different brands to pick from, right there on the bed in Carol’s guest bedroom where she was staying.
She let out a yelp of happiness, opening the box and inspecting the contents. Little did she know, Carol was standing right behind the door, smiling to herself. She deserves to be happy, Carol thought. It was an unrestrained moment of happiness and Carol didn’t think she could be happier, hearing the real Zosia’s laughter.
***
Things changed between them then. It seemed that the olive branch in the form of vodka case was a hit. Zosia became a bit more open with Carol, which delighted the blonde. Day by day, she learned more about the real Zosia. Her favorite food was spaghetti (Not anything Polish?, she would tease while Zosia rolled her eyes in response). Her favorite color was blue because it reminded her of Gdańsk and Polish sea. One of her favorite bands was this folk band called Brathanki that was apparently very popular in Poland. Carol would sometimes hear it from Zosia’s bedroom, along with her quiet singing. Carol wouldn’t admit it out loud but that’s where she was a goner for real Zosia. For sure.
It wasn’t the fact that she was more herself. Well, it was, but Carol also loved discovering the new quirks that the other woman had. Zosia’s quirks, as she called them. She was way more impulsive than the hive Zosia, more outspoken and opinionated. In a way, she had lots of qualities that Carol had (like, she could possibly outdrink her) yet some that were specifically hers. Her laughter, her nose crunch when she didn’t understand a specific word in English, or the way she looked at Carol back. With challenge, almost as if her gaze was saying: Can you please spit out what you clearly want to say to me?
But Carol didn’t. Carol didn’t dare.
It was one of those moments where Zosia and Carol were left alone, sitting together on the balcony, and smoking a cigarette, each their own (Zosia wanted to share, but didn’t dare to ask).
„So…”, Carol started. “You seem… happier.”
“Yes, Carol, vodka definitely made me happier,” she snorted. Carol loved Zosia’s sarcasm. Loved it. After months of having to explain her sarcasm to the hive Zosia, she was now a proud witness of the same retort Carol was so prone to. So naturally, she chuckled and if it wasn’t the proudest Zosia has been, being able to make Carol laugh. The real her.
“Look at you, the real you have jokes!”, Carol laughed. But as soon as the word “real” escaped her lips, Zosia’s face fell a little bit.
“I’m sure that the other me had other qualities that were much better for you than my stupid sarcasm,” she exhaled the last of her cigarette smoke, stubbed the butt in the ashtray and walked away, not waiting for Carol’s response. Zosia only heard a faint “Wait a second-“, before the balcony door slammed behind her.
But this time, Carol followed her.
“Hey! I am talking to you!” the blonde raised her voice a bit to get Zosia’s attention. What she didn’t expect was tears in her beautiful eyes, but Zosia quickly wiped them. God knows nobody should see a Polish person crying… “Are you-are you jealous?”
This was ridiculous. There was no way Zosia was jealous, surely.
At that, the taller woman stopped in her tracks, turned around and scoffed. “You’re fucking ridiculous. I am not jealous,” she spat. “Plus, what can you possibly respond to that right now, anyway? You can’t deny it,” She accused her. So, the real Zosia also had an astounding albeit cursed ability to assume everything and anything about everyone.
“Why are you so upset with me right now? I don’t understand you. I’m only here to make you feel better, but I have to respect your boundaries. I have to, Zosia. God knows I haven’t done it before…”, there it was. In the open. The first time any of them ever referenced their time together. Or rather, Carol’s time with the hive. In Zosia’s body.
And there it was. That look in Carol’s eyes that she so often saw.
“Wow. That’s where you’re going with it? Right now? You know what would respect my boundaries? You! Fucking talking to me like I am a real person. I have feelings too, feelings that I don’t understand, and you just stay quiet most of the time! Sure, you try to get to know me, you ask questions about Poland but then you look at me this way, I hate it! You don’t ever want to talk about what we-they…,” the words failed her then. It happened a lot when she was in her emotions. Polish words were then clawing their way out, but Zosia knew Carol wouldn’t understand.
Carol kept looking at her, brows furrowed with worry. After realizing Zosia wouldn’t continue, she took a deep breath.
„There is a reason I don’t talk about that time. Don’t you realize how utterly horrible I feel? I used you; I used your body. Because I was weak,” she gulped. “I was weak, tired, hopeless, and abandoned. My wife just died.” Carol then dared to look at Zosia. There were fresh tears in her eyes that were threatening to fall. Pieprzyć moją polską dumę (Fuck my Polish pride). „But there is no excuse for it, no excuse. God, you should hate me, you should slap me, yell at me, tell me to fuck off, to never speak to me again. I’ll never forgive myself for this, for what I did to you,” the blonde finished with trembling voice. Zosia was speechless. So speechless, in fact, that she didn’t even stop Carol from walking away and locking herself in the bedroom. After what felt like eternity, she shook her head and reached Carol’s bedroom. She knocked once. Then twice. No response, but Zosia swore she heard quiet sobs. It made her so upset.
“Can you open the damn door?!”
Perhaps raising the voice wasn’t the smartest idea.
“Leave me alone!”, she heard in response.
“You know what? Fucking fine! Rot in your goddamn bedroom then and escape the real conversations because that’s what you do.”
After the anger subsided, Zosia had a moment to think. Zosia clearly mistook Carol’s guilt for pity. Her pain with hatred. It wasn’t a matter of her hating the real Zosia. It was a matter of Carol hating herself for what happened. And Zosia needed to make sure Carol knows she is dead wrong about it.
***
They are close. Zosia can feel it. Manousos speeds up the way he talks when he’s excited, while Carol is shushing him not to alarm Zosia. But little does Carol know, Zosia is always hyperaware of Carol, even though their dynamics are strained.
Somehow, this short, fierce woman was more stubborn than Zosia herself. I wish my mother saw that, a person more stubborn than me, Zosia thought with amusement.
“What’s happening? Did you get it?” Zosia asked, hope evident in her beautiful doe eyes. The moment she approached them, Carol’s attention was on the tall woman.
The blonde grinned: “I think we got it, not sure yet. But we will save the goddamn world.”
***
Before Zosia had a chance to have another heart-to-heart with Carol, it does happen. Manousos finds a way to reverse the joining. Everything after that happens faster than Zosia could say „przepraszam” (sorry)
Then, the world is saved. At once, everybody wanted to talk to Carol and Manousos, but also to Zosia, who was the first person successfully un-hived.
The trio was thrown into the world of interviews, on-camera appearances, radio shows, and podcasts. It took four months for the storm to quiet down, for them to be able to come back to their semi-normal lives. After all, nothing was truly normal. Carol and Zosia talked, but only about „work stuff” as they now referred to anything related the big un-hiving. Anything else have been beyond what they could handle at that time.
There was no explanation why Zosia was able to remember everything from the joining, but not the rest of humanity. Maybe it had to do with her being the first one to be severed, but nobody was sure. Some scientists really wanted to poke and probe Zosia to find these answers, but she would never have any of it. So, at last, they left her alone.
(Deep down, Zosia believed it had everything to do Carol. Maybe it was the barbiturates. Or the way Carol talked to her when she was trying to claw her way out as an individual. But she wholeheartedly believed it was Carol. It was always Carol.)
When everything quieted down, Zosia never felt more alone. Not even when she left her country and family. In order to distract herself, Zosia decided to make some moves. She decided to stay in Albuquerque and rent a small apartment. The good thing was that she didn’t have to worry about money now, while figuring out what to do next. It was the first time she was able to say that, growing up extremely poor. But even that aspect didn’t thrill her. Not when there were so many unspoken words between Carol and her.
After finally making her mind up, Zosia decided she had enough. It was going to end here. She was ready to face Carol and put all the cards on the table.
(She remembered when Carol said that to her. Well, to the hive her. Because she remembered so many details about that stubborn woman.)
Whatever happens, happens, she thought, parking the car in the cul-de-sac that she now knew so well. She took a deep breath and looked at the house that she was in so many times before. Before she was even able to knock, Carol opened the door. They haven’t seen each other in two weeks and the immediate smile Zosia saw on Carol’s face made her melt inside. Maybe she still likes me. The real me. Maybe not all is lost.
„Zosia, hi. What-um, what are you doing here? I’m sorry, come in. I guess I didn’t expect anyone but this is a nice surprise,” she rambled as she let Zosia inside. Before she let Zosia answer, she added: „Would you like a drink?”
Zosia chuckled and shook her head. It seemed that Carol was as nervous as her. „No, thank you. I’d rather be sober for this”.
„Oh no, what did I do now?” Carol joked, but there was a bit of worry in her tone. She gestured towards the couch so they could both sit down. Zosia looked beautiful. She was always beautiful, but now she was fully self. Gone was the wig, Zosia’s hair now up to her shoulders and Carol couldn’t love it more. To be fair, anything that Zosia did or said, or wore went. This time, the brunette was wearing lounge pants, like the ones the hive Zosia wore once – loose, linen, with white and blue stripes. She had a ribbed black tank top on and a light cardigan to brave some strong winds. She was simply beautiful.
„You couldn’t do anything bad even if you tried,” Zosia retorted softly, looking into Carol’s eyes. In Zosia’s eyes, Carol changed, too. Her expression was now a bit lighter, calmer. Like she was finally able to breathe after a long time underwater. What didn’t change was her beauty that lied in subtle things: her furrowed brows that she so often just couldn’t relax, Carol’s short blonde hair, or those damn tank tops that she insisted on wearing.
(Another thing that Zosia wouldn’t admit is that Carol’s arm muscles were perhaps her ultimate and utter weakness).
Upon hearing Zosia’s words, Carol’s expression changed to the pained one. „Don’t say that”, the blonde whispered.
Zosia couldn’t stand it. They were both sitting on the couch, both their sides leaning towards one another. She scooted closer to Carol, took a deep breath, and dared to take her hand in hers. And Carol let her. Zosia held her hand for a second, caressing her knuckles. There was always something about Carol’s hands that Zosia found particularly endearing. These hands contributed to saving the world. These are the fingers that typed countless words while Carol worked on her books. And these are the fingers that touched her skin, yet Zosia felt cheated. Because it wasn’t really her.
“Now, can I speak, and can you promise me you’ll listen?” Zosia smiled and there was a teasing tone there. Carol rolled her eyes. Apparently, she knew Carol enough now to know how she is when it comes to the important conversations. And jumping to conclusions right away.
“Alright. Fire away,” Carol replied, looking at their joined hands. “Although I can’t promise not jump to conclusions, it’s like asking me not to write”, and there was the eye roll but Zosia decided to ignore it.
“First off, I’m so incredibly sorry that Helen died,” at the mention of Helen’s name, Carol flinched a little. This wasn’t the first time Zosia mentioned her, but it was the first time she did in such a way. Carol was about to say something, but Zosia wouldn’t have it: “Nie, nie (no, no) please let me do this. Please, Carol”. Once she was sure Carol would let her continue, she spoke: “I can’t imagine such a loss and the fact that I-they were responsible for it makes me sick to my stomach. They killed her, Carol. This fucking hive mind, this collective killed Helen and then made me—my body, to fit your desires. To—to brainwash you, to weaken you, to convince you.” Zosia’s face was full of disgust.
Wait, what?
“I never hated you, Carol. I never hated you when I was them and I certainly didn’t hate you when you and Manousos woke me up.”
Suddenly, Carol shook her head, tears coming to her eyes and then, flowing down her cheeks. The blonde didn’t even care. “How can you say that? Were you—were you even there? Inside? When we... you know,” Carol’s cheeks burned, she was sure of it.
Zosia smiles teasingly. Since Carol reacted so positively to her touch, she decided to lift her other hand and wipe both of her wet cheeks delicately with the back of her hand: “… When we had sex? You know, you can say the word, Carol, we’re all adults here,” she chuckled, then even more because Carol playfully shoved her arm with her free hand.
“Alright, smart ass. You know what I mean,” Carol added softly.
Zosia hummed, taking a moment to respond. How could she even explain it to Carol? How can she put into words how it was like?
“It was like… a continuous sleep. I was there, I was always there, but not in control of my own body. It’s like… the hive me was smiling, all compliant, while I was screaming and begging to claw my way out,”, her voice shook.
“I can’t even imagine this…”
“I don’t think it can be imaginable,” Zosia agreed “And somehow, you became the most important person in my life. My sole purpose was your happiness and the love I felt for you—Helen’s love, the love of your friends, your colleagues, your fans—was so palpable. As for the real me, I felt so much sorrow and kindness for you. What you were going through was…”
“Not imaginable?” Carol raised her eyebrows.
Zosia chuckled yet again. The sheer power this woman in front of her had to make her laugh, even during the most serious conversation.
“Exactly. As they were getting to know you, I was getting to know you. It wasn't like them, though... I only heard faint echoes of your interactions. But even that faint version of you was so crucial because it was told not by your loved ones, but the real you: this stubborn, funny, intelligent, creative woman. I prayed and prayed that I would be able to… experience the real you. Like they did,” Zosia’s cheeks were flushed.
Once Carol heard the last sentence, she had to chase it. “What do you mean?” she asked with bated breath.
“You know what I mean, Carol. Don’t make me say it twice. It doesn’t even matter, because I woke up and you wanted nothing to do with me and I had to figure out why. For the longest time, I thought that you hated the real me, that you missed… the other Zosia.”
At that, Carol gasped. This beautiful, hurt woman in front of her thought the entire fucking time that Carol hated her?!
“I might be an idiot, Zosia. A huge idiot,” Carol sighed.
That’s when she couldn’t stand a single moment apart, so she pulled Zosia towards her and wrapped her arms around the tall brunette’s waist. Zosia’s breath hitched the moment she felt Carol’s warmth. She wanted to feel this again for such a long time. The brunette wrapped her arms around Carol’s neck right away, not wanting to waste another moment. Seconds later, she felt Carol’s hand caressing her back in soothing motions.
They stayed like this for what seemed like a really long time. Carol didn’t stop her moves on Zosia’s back once, knowing how much the other woman needed to feel that. That’s when Zosia decided to pull away a little bit and rest her forehead against Carol’s. It’s then when she saw a mischievous grin on the blonde’s face.
“If you want to say something, you’re welcome to spit it out,” Zosia chuckled.
Carol joined her and after a moment, she looked into Zosia’s eyes with a playful expression: “Just for the record, you really were jealous, weren’t you?”
“Oh, God,” was Zosia’s only retort as her cheeks burnt. She hid her face in Carol’s shoulder while her chuckle transformed into full-on laughter.
(Secretly, Zosia loved it. Secretly, Carol loved it too).
“Wait, wait,” Carol was on a roll, that was sure. “Does that mean that you also like—you know.”
“For a writer, you seem to have very limited vocabulary, Carol,” Zosia teased, watching Carol squirm in delight. This little game was too fun to play. “Yes, to answer your question. My previous partner? The one the other Zosia was mentioning? Yes, it was a woman. Any other things to clarify?”
Carol narrowed her eyes, not fully believing in what’s happening. “…And you really don’t secretly hate me? This isn’t some sort of game for you?”
“Of course not. I’ve wanted to reconnect with you for a long time, Carol. But everything was always against us: timing, miscommunication…And then the world was saved, and you and Manousos literally became heroes. I didn’t want to bother you then.”
“You could never bother me. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me right away. I guess I was protecting myself a little bit, too. I don’t know what I would do if you really did hate me,”, Carol sniffled.
“So now that we’re on the same page, that we know we certainly don’t hate each other and that we want to reconnect… where does that leave us?”
“Well, would you like to… stay over? To reconnect?” Carol added, but they both knew there was an undertone there. Zosia’s eyes darkened.
“Tak (yes). Yes, I would.”