Archive of Our Own

The first time they kissed it had been a joke, and Noah knew, even at thirteen years old, that pretending it was all just one big prank might work with everyone except himself.

Millie had probably only suggested it because Noah had made fun of her for the thousandth time about her first kiss, and Finn had agreed simply because, having just turned fifteen, he had the arrogance of a little rockstar in the making and needed to prove a point.

"If we’re each other's first male kiss, we can pretend we were each other's first kiss altogether," he justified, more to himself than anyone else, smiling as if he’d just said the smartest thing in the world.

Millie had said they should kiss because Noah also needed to have a first kiss with a coworker, since almost all of them had gone through it, it was only fair. Gaten had dismissed the idea with a boisterous laugh, but Sadie and Caleb had agreed enthusiastically from the moment Millie first brought it up.

"And if Noah doesn't think his first kiss with you is bad, you can die in peace knowing my opinion was an exception," she added, as if any of them needed convincing.

"You weren't my first kiss," Finn tried to argue.

"Kindergarten doesn't count," Millie and Noah said in unison.

Noah didn't want to seem desperate, but Finn wasn't the only one who wanted to prove a point there.

They all had secrets, after all, things they hadn't shared with each other despite being best friends, simply because they weren't sure. Not sure if they should, or could, but sure about themselves.

And Noah needed to be sure.

He had already kissed a girl, and pretending it had been a good experience had been worse than actually kissing said girl. 

Kissing a boy, a boy he likely had an innocent, safe crush on, could solve his problem.

The thing was, Noah thought Finn was too cool for his own good. He was older, played guitar, had the coolest hair among all his friends, and was just the right height that Noah would have to tilt his face up if they were actually going to kiss. 

Which, in a very revealing way, made his stomach churn with a painfully anxious twist.

But most convenient of all, Finn was indisputably, at the very least, interested in someone else. 

He was probably doing this for the same reasons as Noah; he wanted to experiment with someone safe, someone he didn't have conflicting feelings for. 

Even if he was the only one who truly didn't have conflicting feelings, seeing as Noah was most likely just pretending he didn't care.

Finn's friend, Jack, whom he definitely had a crush on, was sitting on a sofa passing a joint back and forth with his other cool friends who had arrived to celebrate Finn's birthday. They had only detached from each other because Jack told Finn he should pay more attention to his other guests. 

They were sitting almost in each other's laps when he said it, but everyone had laughed like it was a very funny joke, and Finn had only rolled his eyes in an overly affectionate way before getting up and asking if anyone wanted another drink.

Millie, who didn't need much alcohol to get excited, took advantage of the excuse and jumped up from where she was sitting to follow Finn to the kitchen, dragging Noah by the arm to corner them both about the kiss. 

It wasn't the first time she had suggested it, at least not with such certainty that all parties involved were aware and had agreed. Every other time, however, it had come up only as a tease, a joke.

But now she was determined to make Noah and Finn kiss before Finn did it with another boy he would be working with the following year. So she said it loud and clear, not caring who was listening: they should kiss, for real this time.

"It would be like Seven Minutes in Heaven," she had suggested. "It doesn't even have to be in front of everyone; I’ll spare you from that, since they didn't spare me," she added with a cynical little pout toward Noah.

"You're not going to ruin my reputation, are you?" Finn asked playfully, smiling at Noah like a puppy desperate to be adopted.

"Not if you kiss him right," Millie answered for him.

"I kissed you right," Finn grumbled, unconvinced.

He fixed his eyes on Noah again; he had looked away to stare at something behind them, likely the people mingling in the other room. 

Probably Jack. 

But he was making an effort to concentrate on the younger boy standing in front of him, taking a sip of the drink in his hands and arching his eyebrows suggestively.

Noah knew that, deep down, he was actually being a gentleman, giving Noah the chance to say no or run away. 

But Noah wanted this, even if he was pretending it was for the most shallow reasons. And even if those shallow reasons were also true, I mean, finding Finn attractive was just a convenient bonus. 

If he wanted to kiss him for something more than just a joke, nobody needed to know.

That was how they found themselves locked in Finn’s kitchen pantry, because both of them desperately wanted to make it look like it was just Seven Minutes in Heaven. 

A game.

The cupboard under the stairs would have worked better to force the necessary proximity, but Finn was too tall to be comfortable there, and he had simply dragged Noah by the hand after finishing off the drink between his fingers, as if he’d taken some liquid courage.

They were still holding each other's hand when they closed the door, and Noah squeezed Finn’s fingers to stop him from turning on the lightbulb above their heads; the light escaping through the cracks was definitely more comfortable than if they could see each other too clearly.

Noah wasn't exactly nervous; he felt more anxious about finally being able to experience something he was so curious about than distressed by actually doing it. 

Finn, on the other hand, was suddenly biting his lips, shy, and Noah could feel his fingers, which were still intertwined with his own, becoming a bit damp and cold.

Someone had turned up the music outside, but Jack’s voice stood out over the noise, calling someone to play beer pong on the kitchen counter. 

Finn gave a nervous smile as if he were trying to distract himself, or return his attention to Noah, but his laugh reverberated like a shaky whisper. Noah suddenly felt the last remnants of tension leave his body as he realized that Finn was much more anxious than he was.

Noah knew that neither he, nor the imminence of the kiss, were the reason for Finn’s agitation. He chose to ignore the part of his heart that felt a slight pang of pain at that, focusing on the fact that at least he knew exactly how Finn was feeling and could try to help him the way he would have liked to be helped.

"You like him, don't you?" Noah couldn't help letting it slip.

He was smiling because he wanted to show that everything was okay, but also because he wanted to pretend that it didn't matter, that it was just a joke, and that he was cool enough, like Finn’s older friends. 

That he could understand Finn liking another boy, because it was no big deal.

But Finn didn't laugh along with him. In fact, he suddenly looked a bit bothered, as if he were feeling exposed. Noah hadn't even mentioned a name, but Finn knew exactly who he was referring to.

"We're just friends," Finn replied defensively.

"We are just friends," Noah argued, pushing himself to the limit to sound casual, to not let a single drop of anything that sounded like judgment or a confession slip out.

"It's different," Finn countered with a sigh. "It would be like you and Millie."

Noah fell silent. He didn't want to answer that it wouldn't be like him and Millie, because he and Millie were like siblings, because even though he loved her very much and had cried into his pillow, begging any deity that would listen to make him love her the way she wanted, it would never happen because he wasn't...

He looked up to face Finn, trying to appear more confident and self-aware than he would ever truly be. 

But even if he had been twice his age, it wouldn't have felt any different, because, after all, the problem wasn’t Finn.

Noah knew that.

Liking Finn had absolutely nothing to do with Finn himself. 

It was Noah who had felt jealous of Millie for having her first kiss with him; it was Noah who still wanted to kiss him even after she said he was a terrible kisser; it was Noah who had been dreaming about him and thinking of him at the most inappropriate moments. It was Noah who definitively knew he had never felt the same way about a girl, and never would, yet was using this game as an excuse just to pretend to himself that he needed to "be sure."

Yes, Finn wasn't to blame for any of it.

Even so, Noah wanted to blame him.

Especially when Finn used his other hand to caress Noah’s face with an exaggerated gentleness, asking in a shaky whisper if Noah was sure. 

He was running away, Noah realized, running from the question, from the realization that he wished he were doing this with someone else. 

It wasn't fair to act that way if it didn't matter, but apparently, Finn was suddenly very focused on simply proving the point he wanted to prove.

So, he simply pressed his lips against Noah’s, either to get it over with or to stop Noah from asking more inconvenient questions that would pick his heart apart.

And suddenly, none of it mattered anymore, what Noah suspected, what he wanted to make Finn admit just to feel better about himself, even if it hurt him. 

Because his heart began to race violently inside his chest, and all he could process was how his heartbeat, despite being faster, suddenly seemed to be happening in slow motion, counting every second their mouths were joined as if they had stopped in time.

Finn’s lips were cold, likely from the drink he’d downed before they entered the pantry, but his mouth tasted sweet, almost sugary. 

And Noah, who didn’t exactly know what he was doing because he’d only had one single, horrible kiss with someone else that he hadn't liked, couldn’t contain himself and licked Finn's lip. He followed a primitive instinct, a literal hunger to suck that taste of molasses from Finn’s mouth, until he satisfied his craving for sweets like a mindless bee drowning in nectar.

Finn was holding Noah’s face with both hands now, and he laughed against Noah’s mouth when the younger boy leaned forward in a shamefully desperate way.

"Are you sure you’ve never done this before?" Finn asked with a smiling whisper when Noah finally pulled back to try to breathe.

He was out of breath, and unfortunately, there was no hiding it; despite their mouths being disconnected, Finn kept their faces close, practically glued together, with their foreheads resting against each other. 

His neck would probably be sore from leaning down like that, but he didn't seem to mind as he continued to caress Noah’s face gently.

"Only once," Noah explained. "With a girl," he added unnecessarily.

"Yeah, me too," Finn agreed, laughing euphorically. "But I’ve never kissed a girl like that."

Noah didn’t answer immediately, choosing to ignore what Finn was saying in exchange for kissing him again, as if the act itself could save him from saying the stupidest thing about how he was sure he was gay, or how he thought he was falling for him, just like that, just from kissing him.

But then, someone knocked several times on the door, interrupting them. Even though the music on the other side was louder than what would be considered polite, they could both still hear the unmistakable giggles of Jack Dylan Grazer.

"My turn!" he sang out laughingly from the other side.

He must have been high as hell already. Finn was still close enough that Noah didn't feel immediately rejected; Finn laughed in response and called out that he was coming, before wrapping an arm around Noah’s shoulders and pulling him toward the door so they could walk out together.

Noah knew it was a bit ridiculous that he remembered it in such detail, but years later, when Finn would once again deny being in love with Jack, Noah could argue that he remembered perfectly how Finn's eyes lit up the moment they opened the door and saw Jack standing outside.

And how he had sighed, almost melting into his arms when Jack reached out, pulled him close, and led him away from Noah, murmuring that Finn had promised to show him something in the upstairs bedroom.

But then years later, when they kissed for the second time, Finn had sworn he hadn't kissed Jack that night, as Noah had imagined all those years. However, the fact that he never denied kissing him later was what kept Noah emotionally distant. 

It didn't matter that Finn wanted to kiss him again, that it felt good, and that being older and more secure in his own sexuality made it much better. 

He was still just the friend Finn felt safe enough to experiment with, not the guy he had likely been in love with for half his life.

He knocked on Noah’s hotel room door at seven in the evening, and although it was still early for either of them, Noah was feeling too jet-lagged and tired to have the energy to wander the city as Gaten and Caleb had suggested. 

So, he had told them he’d be staying in his room for the rest of the night and that they shouldn't worry because he just wanted to rest.

But he couldn't say he was truly surprised that Finn had chosen to spend that time with him. Finn was the one among them who never liked leaving a friend alone; even if Noah insisted he was fine, Finn did everything to include him and make him feel wanted.

"I thought you’d go with the boys," Noah said guiltily as soon as he saw Finn standing in the hallway.

He adjusted the glasses perched on the bridge of his nose and made a gesture to show he was still wearing the same rumpled clothes he’d worn that day, though only his shirt, pants, and socks remained. 

He was far from ready to set foot outside the room.

"Nah, I wasn't really in the mood to go out either," Finn justified, pointing to his own prescription glasses.

He had also left behind the blazer he’d worn earlier and was now wearing a white t-shirt under an overshirt that looked like it was made of a very comfortable fabric, like wool or suede. 

Noah wanted to press the fabric between his fingers, to give Finn a tight hug.

When he stepped through the door, which Noah had opened wider as a silent invitation, Finn twirled through the room, looking at everything with curiosity as if he weren't staying in a twin room just down the hall. 

Then he put his hands in his pockets and turned toward Noah, who was closing the door and following him further into the room.

"But you love Japanese food," Noah lamented with a laugh as he followed him toward the sofa near the bed, knowing Gaten and Caleb planned to go to a very good restaurant someone had recommended earlier.

Finn looked at him sideways and simply shrugged as he flopped onto the sofa, smiling.

"We can order something if you're hungry," he suggested.

Noah nodded as he sat beside him, picking up the room service phone only to hand it over to Finn, encouraging him to order whatever he wanted. 

He stayed silent while watching Finn order more food than the two of them could possibly eat in a single night, but he laughed with affection when he heard Finn ask for vegan options, shrugging as if to say he wasn't sorry for overdoing it.

"You're already exhausted by all of this and begging to go home, aren't you?" Noah asked when Finn sighed tiredly beside him.

The silence between them wasn't awkward, it never had been, but Noah suspected Finn had come to his room for a reason beyond just enjoying his company in quiet. 

Maybe he was projecting, the exhaustion, or the urge to talk, but Finn smiled as if saying thank you and nestled deeper into the cushions, shaking his head, half-uncertain of how to respond.

"No," he finally denied with a smile, almost overcompensating when he realized Noah might be hinting that Finn wanted to get away from him. "I like traveling with the guys. And with you..." he added tenderly.

“But work is always a bit exhausting,” Noah justified, understandingly.

“Yeah, but we can plan a vacation together when all of this is over,” Finn suggested.

“We can always just hole up at Charlie’s place too,” Noah joked.

“Yeah, he’d love that,” Finn agreed, laughing with a hint of nostalgia.

It was as if he were afraid that it would never happen again, and Noah understood the feeling. 

The sensation that that part of their lives was over, and that they would never see each other again, had hit him hard the year before when they finished filming together and had to move away from Atlanta back to their respective lives.

But with the need to work together again, traveling and doing interviews for several weeks, that feeling of "goodbye" had invaded everyone's mood once more.

“Do you miss home?” Noah asked softly.

“I think so,” Finn answered uncertainly. “Do you?”

“I always miss my sister, and… my friends,” he replied thoughtfully. “And I think I also miss being in college, just doing normal things.”

Finn frowned, half-laughing, half-confused.

“Don't get me wrong, I love this,” Noah clarified with a guilty laugh. “I'm not saying the fame and this job aren't fun, but doing normal things is also cool when you grew up in this industry.”

“Yeah… I get it,” Finn agreed. “We can't really do normal things that normal kids do under these circumstances.”

“We always had to hide out at someone’s house whenever we wanted to be normal teenagers, didn't we?” Noah reminisced, laughing.

“If we didn't do so much dumb shit, we wouldn't have to hide,” Finn pointed out.

“Oh, I'm not even talking about all the drinking and weed at inappropriate ages,” Noah defended himself, throwing his hands up in a half-exasperated gesture.

“Then what else?” Finn asked, confused.

Noah arched an eyebrow, looking a bit incredulous and challenging at the same time, as if he thought Finn was just being cynical and playing innocent. 

When Finn finally caught on, his mouth dropped open in a small “oh” of realization that made Noah let out a snorting laugh.

“Oh… yeah, yeah, that too,” he agreed awkwardly.

Noah raised his eyebrows provocatively and laughed even harder when Finn’s cheeks flushed red, perhaps remembering the exact same thing as Noah.

“You wouldn't have to hide at your own birthday party just to kiss someone,” he said, not subtle at all, finding it adorable how bashful Finn suddenly looked.

“Yeah, that would’ve been easier,” Finn agreed shyly.

“I bet it wasn't the only time you got dragged into your own bedroom,” Noah teased.

But suddenly, Finn’s brow furrowed, as if his brain had hit a snag and his thoughts had reached a dead end.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, genuinely confused.

Noah was the one to frown this time, unsure if Finn was being truly innocent or sarcastic.

“Your fifteenth birthday?” he reminded him. “Half an hour in heaven with Jack Dylan Grazer in your room?”

Finn made an exasperated face of even deeper confusion and shifted on the sofa, sitting up straighter as if he needed to brace himself to understand what Noah was saying.

“I’m sorry… what?” he questioned, a ridiculously stunned and confused laugh plastered on his face.

“Oh, come on, are you going to tell me nothing happened between you two that day?” Noah insisted, unable to believe Finn could actually be that oblivious.

“What?” Finn repeated with a high-pitched laugh. “Of course not! Where did you even get that from?”

Noah frowned, incredulous, laughing along with him because he couldn't tell if Finn was telling the truth or just mocking the fact that Noah remembered it, and apparently cared.

“Oh, come on! I remember perfectly how your eyes lit up when you looked at him. You practically flew toward him when we opened your pantry door, and you melted in his arms while he took you to your room to do God-knows-what.”

“Absolutely nothing happened!” Finn exclaimed, laughing in disbelief. “I swear, okay? He actually most likely wanted to show me some nude some random girl had sent him,” he added with a confused grimace, as if he truly couldn’t remember what they had been doing for half an hour in his room, and then… “Or try some other drug that was way too heavy even for him,” he added guiltily.

“You don't remember what you guys did?” Noah asked, skeptical.

“I don't know how you remember anything that happened that night,” Finn argued, impressed. “We were all wasted.”

“It was when I had my first kiss with a guy, and I’m gay, of course I remember,” Noah explained with a shrug.

Finn slowly stopped laughing, a bit stunned by how Noah had brought it up so indifferently. 

They had never talked about it; sometimes it felt like it hadn't even really happened. 

It was as if it were a topic too sensitive, or too important, to be tainted with small talk.

Finn hadn't brought it up even when Noah came out; it felt a bit arrogant and irrelevant when Noah’s sexuality obviously had absolutely nothing to do with him. 

Or maybe, Finn had just become incredibly paranoid, because if Noah was gay and had never cared enough about the kiss to talk about it, what did it mean that Finn couldn't forget it and had been overthinking that moment for all those years?

“How did you know?” Finn asked in a burst of courage as the silence between them stretched out in a way that was almost too comfortable.

He’d lose the opportunity if he didn’t grab it, he realized. Because none of this should make a difference to Noah the way it did to him.

“What?” Noah answered, not understanding.

“How did you know you were gay?” Finn explained.

Noah frowned, surprised by the question, and Finn suddenly looked nervous as he gestured in front of him, moving closer, almost desperately, as he slid across the couch.

“It’s just that we’ve never talked about it,” he explained. “And I just got curious…”

Noah caught his hands, making him stop his nervous fidgeting, while smiling comfortingly to show that it was okay.

“I think I always knew,” he answered with a shrug.

Finn frowned thoughtfully, his eyes shifting away from Noah’s and focusing on nothing around them, as if he were doing mental math.

“But wasn’t there anything that made you, I don’t know, click?” Finn insisted, curious.

“Click?” Noah repeated, amused.

“Yeah, like, were you always sure?” Finn wanted to know.

Noah bit his lip as he thought, remembering when he thought that trying to be for Finn what he wished someone had been for him would be easier than facing who he was on his own. 

Then he understood, or at least he thought he understood, why Finn was so interested.

“I think I just…” he began tentatively, trying to organize his thoughts in a way that didn't make it sound too definitive. “I felt a lot of things that just started piling up and…”

“Like what?” Finn urged when he stopped talking.

Noah sighed and let out a weak laugh before continuing.

“Well, like… I was obsessed with Millie,” he confided.

Finn laughed, not exactly surprised to hear his words, but just amused, because his eyes were still clouded with confusion, waiting for an explanation.

“Like, absolutely in love,” Noah clarified. “I fucking loved her, and yet…”

“What?” Finn urged curiously when Noah paused again.

“I never wanted to kiss her,” Noah explained. “I could never imagine what it would be like if we were a couple. When I thought about our future and considered the possibility of, I don’t know, marrying her one day, it was always a friendly relationship, just the way we’ve always been. And we’d have adopted kids just because we’d never have sex.”

The laugh Finn let out this time was more sincere and genuine than all the nervous smiles he’d given up until then, but there was still a curiosity masked as amusement that he couldn't quite hide.

“What else?” he asked when Noah didn't say anything more.

“Hmm, I think my first kiss…”

“I was your first kiss,” Finn interrupted, as if he were arguing in favor of something that neither of them quite understood yet.

“My first kisses, then,” Noah corrected, still laughing. “With a girl, it was horrible. But with you…”

He stopped talking again, not out of shame or any hesitation regarding Finn’s reasons for asking. 

But rather because Finn was looking way too cute, sitting there beside him, listening intently as if he were studying a very important subject he was about to be tested on.

“What?” he pressed for Noah to continue.

“You’re not going to get cocky, are you?” Noah teased.

Finn brought his fingers to his lips and crossed them, kissing his own digits to simulate a promise.

​“It was good,” Noah confessed. “It was really good, actually. I felt like something inside me was falling into place and… I don't think I ever thanked you for that, did I?”

Finn seemed to stop breathing for a few moments. He was staring at Noah with such intensity while carefully processing his words, seemingly overthinking what to say next.

“Why did we never do it again?” was what he finally blurted out after several seconds of silence.

It caught Noah off guard. Despite having an idea of why Finn was asking all these questions, he hadn't expected them to end up there.

Again.

“What?” he asked, laughing a bit confusedly.

“Kissed,” Finn clarified unnecessarily. “Why did we never kiss again?”

Noah’s lips were slightly parted, and something in him refused to believe that Finn was asking that for any reason other than pure scientific curiosity. 

It made no sense that after all this time he was being haunted by anything like regret, a sort of frustrated remorse, a lament for something he never did.

Noah was beyond confused. 

Because there was only one explanation for this.

“I don’t know,” he answered with a frown, unable to hide the slight irritation in his voice, thinking the question was practically rhetorical. “Maybe because you liked someone else…” he added in an accusatory murmur.

“I only met Elsie years later…” Finn tried to argue.

But then Noah looked at him, one eyebrow arched, not in confusion, but in a kind of pitiful incredulity, as if he thought Finn was stuck in denial.

“Finn…” he called out softly, but it sounded like a silent interrogation.

Finn remained silent, almost shocked. It felt as if something in his mind was clicking into place and finally making sense, or as if the fragile curtain separating consciousness from self-awareness was tearing apart, releasing an understanding he had never even considered facing.

​“Are you okay?” Noah asked, concerned.

​Finn still looked a bit stunned, perhaps at himself. He seemed to be looking at Noah while simultaneously looking at his own reflection, as if only in that exact moment had he truly understood something vital about who he was.

​But after long seconds submerged in an almost contemplative silence, he seemed to find his footing again. He bit the inside of his cheek, as if wanting to anchor himself back to the present moment.

​As if his memories had carried him much too far away from reality.

“Did you hear the rumors about the two of them?” was what Finn finally asked.

Noah considered playing dumb this time. The way Finn seemed hurt by the subject awakened a protective instinct in him, even if it meant ignoring his own nature and drastically changing the subject. 

Of course he had heard the rumors; he was far too ‘chronically online’ not to have seen photos of Jack and Elsie, Finn's ex-girlfriend, working together, looking far too close.

But Finn didn't deserve his pity, just as he wasn't being self-pitying; he had just asked a question, after all. Noah didn't need to lie to make him feel better. 

Everyone knew how close the ex-girlfriend was to his ex-best friend; no one had likely commented on it simply out of fear of how Finn was feeling about it.

But if he was the one bringing it up…

“Yeah, I...” Noah hesitated. “Are they true?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to either of them in a while,” Finn replied indifferently.

“I’m sorry,” Noah offered, truly empathetic.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Finn replied, making a dismissive gesture with his hands. “Seriously,” he added, laughing when he looked at Noah and realized he probably didn't believe in his ‘moving on’ act. “I think I missed him so much before all this that now… it doesn’t even matter anymore.”

Noah wasn’t sure if Finn realized what he’d just said, how he seemed to have mourned the best friend more than the girlfriend. 

And he could have let it slide, moved on, and not pressed Finn for something he still didn't seem ready to analyze about himself.

But they were already there, with too many cards on the table.

“Did you guys really not kiss that day?” Noah chose to ask, getting straight to the point.

“No,” Finn guaranteed, laughing in disbelief.

“Really?” Noah insisted, skeptical.

Perhaps because what he actually wanted to ask was if it hadn't happened at any point afterwards, because Finn hadn't said that, and Noah wanted to understand. 

He needed to.

“Can we talk about something else?” Finn suggested, rolling his eyes.

He didn’t seem truly annoyed; the smile on his lips showed more affection than he was able to hide. 

But Noah wasn't good at playing the pushy intruder, so he just sighed and drummed his fingers on his thigh to pretend, in a far from subtle way, that he was distracting himself.

“Sure. Like what?” Noah agreed condescendingly.

“Why did we never kiss again?” Finn asked again, as if he were just suggesting a topic.

Noah burst out laughing, finding the persistence truly hilarious. 

Finn was crossing his arms over his chest as if he were judging Noah for laughing instead of answering, and Noah laughed even harder, feeling cornered, when in his head, he thought Finn was the only person who could answer that.

Fortunately, in the next second, before they embarked on a sick loop of insecurity where they wouldn't be able to admit why they had never kissed again, they were interrupted by a knock on the door as room service arrived with what they had ordered.

Finn stood up reluctantly and pointed at Noah, as if to say the conversation wasn't over yet.

And Noah just bit his lip as he curled up on the sofa, feeling bashful, with no idea what the hell they were doing.

When the food was obviously unfinished and they were both too full, they found themselves lying on the carpet with their feet propped up on the couch. 

Noah was still wearing socks, but Finn had taken his off and occasionally tried to pinch Noah’s feet with his toes.

When Finn finally tired of teasing him after a while, he turned toward Noah, lying on his side to face him. 

Noah kept staring at the ceiling as if he couldn't feel Finn’s eyes burning into his neck; he only gave up trying to ignore the scrutiny when he felt Finn’s fingers playing with the collar of his shirt. 

A few buttons were open because the room wasn't cold enough for Noah to keep them done up, but the moment Finn’s fingers brushed his skin unpretentiously, as if they were just getting lost between the fabric and his collarbone, Noah knew the temperature around him didn't matter at all.

That heat was rising from within him, coming from somewhere deep in his ribs and surging through his heart, being pumped from there to all his extremities. 

He sighed, unable to stop his lungs from filling in anticipation, then took his glasses off and left them on the floor beside him as he turned his head to face Finn, who had also gotten rid of his own glasses by then.

It was as if neither of them wanted to see each other too clearly, preferring to blur their vision and treat the moment like a hazy fantasy dream. 

Maybe that’s exactly what it was. 

Because it felt like there were still a lot of things between them that needed to be said, to be understood, to be truly seen. 

However, it was as if they could hear each other’s thoughts too, holding a silent conversation.

Noah still wanted to ask if Finn was doing this just because he needed an answer about something, just as he himself had needed one when they were younger. 

But Finn’s eyes were locked on his mouth, and when Noah looked back at his lips, his mind went blank, as if nothing else in the world mattered except getting closer and letting their skin speak what they couldn't put into words.

Noah was the one who closed the distance between their faces, turning his whole body toward Finn and moving in without even waiting for consent. 

His eyes were already closed before their lips met, but Finn’s hands sliding up his neck until his fingers were caressing his hair felt like enough permission.

The kiss felt different this time. Noah wasn't sure if it was just because his memory had grown fuzzy, or simply because they were older now, more experienced, more confident. 

But suddenly, Finn was rolling them over on the floor, positioning himself between Noah’s legs, almost pinning him against the carpet.

Noah just accepted it, not knowing what to do with himself or exactly where to put his hands, simply because he wanted to touch everywhere. 

His arms seemed to have a life of their own, trembling hesitantly as they caressed Finn’s waist and moved up his back over his clothes.

Finn’s fingers were gripping his hair tightly, but one of his hands had slid down Noah’s face to his jaw, then moved past his chin to his neck, where he kept his fingers pressed right against his throat. 

He was holding Noah at opposite points now, seeming to want to manipulate his very existence until Noah melted beneath him.

And Noah wasn't far from it, his mouth open against Finn’s, letting him join their tongues in a kiss that was far too wet, making it hard to hold back the hungry gasps scratching at his throat. 

Noah might have considered feeling embarrassed by how easily malleable he was, but Finn also seemed to be falling apart on top of him. It only took a touch from Noah’s fingers at the base of his spine for him to let out an exasperated sigh into his mouth, letting his body drop onto the other, perfectly fitted, as if their pelvis were puzzle pieces with magnets pulling them together.

Finn’s clothes had ridden up his back, and Noah was pressing his palms against his skin as if trying to pull him even closer. 

Their mouths were still locked, but Finn was easing the pressure of his lips the more the space between their hips was compressed. 

They pulled apart, dazed, when they realized what was happening, but they were still too close, their eyes locked in a way that left them almost cross-eyed, while the only air they could breathe was what came out of each other's mouths.

It didn't seem like either of them would ask the question hovering in their heads; even so, Noah nodded as if agreeing to something Finn hadn't even managed to put into words. 

Then he wrapped his legs around Finn’s hips, and his hands slid down further until he was practically pulling Finn into him. 

They shifted against each other, trying to find a better fit, and suddenly paralyzed mid-motion because they hit the sweet spot, and Finn simply moaned into Noah’s mouth as if he couldn’t control himself.

Noah also felt paralyzed by the jolt of pleasure the movement sent through his groin, but he couldn’t focus on that alone when Finn was pulling his mouth away to leave messy kisses from his chin down to his neck. 

When it was Noah who moaned this time, too loud for them to keep ignoring, Finn lifted his face from his neck just to look Noah straight in the eye again.

And holy shit, they were a fucking mess. 

Swollen lips, wet with saliva, disheveled hair, and cheeks burning a bright red. 

Except neither of them was blushing out of shame; Finn would have stopped moving his hips against his if he were ashamed. 

Instead, he was repeating the motion, grinding his erection against Noah’s while staring right at him, as if he didn't want to miss a single second of what it was doing to him.

Noah wasn't innocent; he knew how he must look, and he liked it, he liked knowing that Finn was practically drooling over him just by watching him. 

So he moved his hands to Finn’s shoulders and began to mirror the motion, aiding the friction they were creating as he tilted his head back, finally letting out the sounds of pleasure that were begging to explode from his throat.

Finn’s mouth found his neck again at the same moment, but this time his fingers raced along Noah’s shirt to undo the remaining buttons. Once his stomach was completely exposed, Finn grabbed him by the waist and pulled his body in the opposite direction, sitting up on the floor so that Noah was hovering in his lap.

In that position, a different part of Noah was rubbing against Finn’s groin, but it felt just as good because Noah was pressing himself against him, moving his hips sloppily, up and down, back and forth, unsure of which sensation was better to chase.

Finn was hugging his entire chest now, only letting Noah pull away when he realized he wanted to take the rest of his shirt off for good, tugging the fabric down his arms and letting it fall behind him. 

With his arms free and his torso completely bare, Noah focused on hugging Finn back. Even though he was intensely focused and almost too serious, he still managed to smile when Finn gently pushed him back to pull his own shirt over his head, leaving his chest bare as well.

Noah wished they were able to restrain themselves a bit more, to try and go slow to savor what they were doing, because even though he wasn't inexperienced and had known the bodies of other men, the one beneath him was still Finn. 

One of his best friends, for whom he could never again pretend he didn't have a monumental crush.

But Finn seemed lost in wanting, and he wanted more, more and more. 

And it wasn't exactly nervousness that was making his fingers tremble as he reached between their bodies to unbutton their pants and pull them down. 

Noah could recognize the feeling because he had probably acted that desperately before, back when something new simply felt too good for him to even think about hesitating.

So he didn’t hesitate; he let Finn do whatever he wanted, because he wanted it too. 

Sometimes he interlaced his sweaty fingers with Finn’s, making the grip even tighter. 

Other times, he let Finn do all the work alone, bringing his own fingers to Finn’s mouth and encouraging him to drool, letting the saliva run down his hand or drip onto the sensitive spot between their legs where they were touching.

​And when all they could hear were sighs, with only each other’s names escaping their lips, followed by incoherent and random cursing, they knew they couldn't hold back any longer.

​Noah got there first, staining Finn’s fist and a bit of his own abdomen with thick drops of semen, which were now running down past his navel toward the hair at the base of his stomach. 

Even dazed by the sensitivity, he replaced Finn’s hand with his own and continued caressing him, increasing the speed while holding Finn’s face with his other hand, keeping his gaze locked.

​Finn came with Noah’s name on his lips, and any moan he might have let out afterward was swallowed by the kiss he pulled Noah into. 

Noah wasn't exactly used to this, to someone holding him tight after a hookup and kissing him with so much tenderness while smiling and… thanking him?

​They pulled their faces apart, though their foreheads remained pressed together. Noah was very tempted to lick the semen off Finn’s fingers and his own, but he was more confused by the "thank you," so he just stared at him with a frown while Finn shrugged and met his lips again in a smacking kiss.

​Noah was laughing against his mouth, but he stopped when he realized the wet mess their hands were making on each other's stomachs. He pulled away reluctantly and turned his head slightly to look for the shirt he had discarded on the floor. 

He used the fabric to clean his hands and both their bellies, and when he finished, he froze at the way Finn was staring at him.

​“What?” he asked, anxious.

​Finn smiled, then reached out beside him to grab the glasses Noah had left on the floor. He caressed Noah’s sweaty face and pretended to comb through a few strands of hair before gently placing the frames over Noah’s ears. 

Noah wrinkled his nose bashfully, and suddenly, impossibly, he felt his heart beat even faster when Finn planted a light little kiss on the tip of it.

​“I think that answers why we never kissed again,” he said after a few seconds, seemingly just contemplating Noah’s face.

​They were still holding each other; Noah was still in his lap, and Finn’s short nails were drawing random patterns on his back that were making Noah’s whole body vibrate.

​“What do you mean?” Noah asked, confused.

​“All this chemistry?” Finn explained. “You would’ve taken my virginity at sixteen.”

​“You’re an idiot,” Noah replied, laughing as he realized he was joking.

​Finn pulled him into another long kiss, but Noah was soon pushing him away, trying, unsuccessfully, to get up from his lap.

​“I need a shower now,” he explained when Finn pouted.

​But Finn eventually helped him up, albeit reluctantly, and followed him to the bathroom to clean up properly. There, he couldn't take his eyes off Noah as he undressed completely to take a quick shower. 

Finn had an impulse to offer to shower with him, but as the haze of lust dissipated, he had begun to feel a bit shy and thought it better to let Noah compose himself alone while he waited outside.

​When Noah stepped out of the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist, he found Finn half-lying, half-sitting among the pillows. Noah put on only underwear and a shirt before joining him between the sheets. 

Finn had suddenly become very quiet, as if he were overthinking and unable to act, paralyzed by an overload of reflections. 

He at least still looked happy, satisfied, and Noah didn't want to seem annoying or invasive, but the silence was quickly becoming embarrassingly funny, and he wanted to help.

“Are you okay?” he asked when he couldn't wait any longer for Finn to show some kind of reaction.

Finn nodded slowly, but soon he was turning on his side in bed to scrutinize Noah again.

“Noah…” he called out softly.

Noah smiled and turned his head to face him.

“Jack…” Finn began hesitantly, making Noah’s smile falter. “He was my best friend and… you, you’re also one of my best friends, but… I never understood if he was my Millie or if I…”

“If you liked boys?” Noah guessed.

“I… I liked Elsie, you know? I really did. I think I loved her,” Finn countered, without truly answering what Noah had suggested.

Noah nodded understandingly but remained silent, waiting for Finn to reach whatever conclusion he was working on in his head.

“I don't know,” he added finally. “I knew I had liked kissing you too, but I never had the chance to, I don’t know… investigate it.”

“If you wanted to kiss me again all this time, all you had to do was ask,” Noah joked once he understood what Finn was getting at.

“Can I kiss you again?” Finn asked uncertainly.

Noah laughed, but soon he was nodding and crawling across the bed to get close to Finn once more.

“Come here,” he whispered, even though Finn was already close enough.

And Finn moved even closer, interlacing their fingers and hugging Noah in a slightly trembling way.

“I think you were a lot more chill when you were fifteen,” Noah teased after a light kiss.

“I’d had two bottles of beer and was probably a little high too,” Finn justified.

“What’s making you so scared now?” Noah asked point-blank, not knowing how to approach the subject any more gently, but not wanting to let the opportunity slip away either.

“You’re not a virgin, are you?” Finn interposed with another question instead of a clear answer.

“Neither are you,” Noah replied with a half-accusatory laugh, not yet understanding what the real issue was.

“I’ve never had sex with a man,” Finn explained.

Noah tried very hard not to laugh once he realized what this was about, but when he couldn't help but chuckle, he hid his face in Finn’s neck, hugging him tight to convey comfort through physical contact.

“Oh, Finn,” he said, laughing as he pulled back. “Is that what you meant by letting me take your virginity at sixteen? Are you feeling… deflowered?”

“Fucked?” Finn added at the same time, making them both burst into laughter.

He rubbed his hand over his face, his laughter slowly dying down, still slightly in disbelief at everything that had happened.

“I definitely overthink things,” he commented, more to himself.

“You always have,” Noah replied, still far too close for it to sound like a criticism.

Finn turned his face toward him, arching a flirtatious eyebrow. 

Noah rolled his eyes, laughing as he caught the silent joke Finn didn't even have to make, and gave his shoulder a light shove.

“Idiot.”

The mood shifted effortlessly. It didn't feel smaller, just lighter. Finn stretched out beside him, staring at the ceiling for a few seconds before letting out a satisfied sigh.

“We should get some sleep,” he proposed, instead of actually asking to spend the night as he obviously wanted to do. “Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”

Noah agreed and ended up closing his eyes, feeling Finn’s arm resting between them, casual and comfortable.

Without resolving anything.

But without feeling like anything was out of place, either.

Finn’s phone buzzed on the nightstand a second later, too persistent to be ignored. He reached for it, looking a bit annoyed, but when he saw the screen, he let out a short huff of a laugh.

“The boys,” he explained unnecessarily. “They want to know if we want to watch a movie with them.”

Noah watched as Finn typed a quick reply, then silenced the device and flipped it face down, as if he wanted to forget the world outside that room even existed. 

For a moment, Finn stayed still, looking undecided, hesitant. Then he leaned back toward Noah, resting his forehead against his.

“Later,” he murmured.

They remained there, close, breathing in the same rhythm, while the world outside kept calling without being answered. 

This time, no one knocked on the door. 

And they felt no desire at all to open it.

Noah understood what this was about; he felt he understood it even better than Finn did. 

When they had kissed as teenagers, he hadn't even considered talking to Finn about what had happened, because the act itself had already given him all the answers he had been looking for. 

He was gay; he was a little bit in love with Finn; and kissing another guy wasn't the end of the world after all.

So he moved on, keeping his heart open to allow himself to have with other people what he couldn't have with his first crush. 

And it had all gone well, as far as things go. 

Noah had fallen in love again, he had kissed other guys he liked, and he’d had a perfectly satisfying first sexual experience. 

He hardly ever thought of Finn during any of those other times, and he had carried on with his life because they were friends, best friends. 

And that was better than any disappointment they might have caused one another had they tried something more.

That was why Noah wasn't upset; truly, he wasn't. 

He only hoped Finn would be able to reach the same conclusions that thirteen-year-old Noah had already understood: that they were better as friends. 

It didn't matter how much chemistry they had, how much repressed desire, or how many romantic feelings were buried inside their hearts. 

They still loved each other in the most important way, and that was the only thing Noah wanted to preserve.

Finn ended up spending the night in Noah’s room that day, but the next morning, when Noah woke up alone between the sheets, he felt as if he were receiving an answer to a question he hadn't even asked.

And it’s okay, he tried to convince himself.

Because even if they never touched the subject again, and never actually talked about it, Finn just wanted to keep Noah close. 

He was tired of losing friends because of romantic relationships; he didn't think he could handle going through that again. 

So he kept quiet, pretending that nothing had ever changed. 

When, in reality, nothing had ever truly been what they thought it was.

So, when they kissed for the third time, less than a month later, Noah couldn't pretend he was exactly surprised. 

Not by the event itself, nor by how quickly it had repeated. 

Given that last time, despite it taking years for them to bring it up again, it had been undeniably different. 

They were teenagers then, having barely stopped being children, and they had only shared a simple kiss during a party where they were both a bit wasted.

Now, in their early twenties, they had crossed a very thin line of intimacy to pretend it had been anything friendly. 

They knew the sounds the other made when they were turned on; they knew how their faces contorted when they were close to the edge; and they knew what it was like to share a bed and fall asleep in each other's arms, even if they had tried to pretend that last part was truly just platonic.

Maybe it had been the worst.

The most painful memory.

That was why, when Noah’s phone rang, he almost didn’t answer because of how shocked he was. 

It was already past midnight, and it would have been strange for Finn to be calling him in the middle of the night even if they weren't already scheduled to see each other the next day.

There was an event coming up, and Noah knew most of their colleagues would be in New York to attend. 

Finn had confirmed several times in the group chat they shared, so it wasn't normal for him to be calling in the early hours of the morning right before they were supposed to meet.

“Hey!” Finn called out, sounding a bit euphoric when Noah finally picked up.

He didn’t sound drunk or high, but Noah wasn’t sure if he could even recognize that over the phone from a single spoken word.

“Are you in New York already?” Noah asked immediately, instead of greeting him back.

“Yeah, I… that’s why I called,” Finn replied, his voice dropping slightly, as if he had suddenly become too nervous just by hearing Noah's voice. “I know it’s really late, but…”

“Are you okay?” Noah interrupted, concerned.

“I wanted to see you,” Finn said, all at once.

And okay, Noah wasn't an idiot; that sentence had more between the lines than either of them could pretend to hide. 

Even a month after the weird night they had spent together in Japan, it was as if they had traveled back in time and were suddenly trying to rewrite history. 

Those four weeks of pretending to be just friends were being ignored all of a sudden, God-knows-why.

“Where are you staying?” Noah asked before he could overthink it.

An hour later, almost two in the morning, he was knocking on the door of Finn’s hotel room. But to his surprise, instead of kissing him immediately, as Noah had imagined he would all the way there, Finn simply made room for him to enter and began pacing back and forth as if his head were spinning, ready to explode.

Noah again considered the possibility that Finn was drunk or high, but looking around the room, he couldn't identify anything that might indicate the use of substances, legal or otherwise. 

So he arched an eyebrow at him. By then, Finn had sat on the bed and was nervously bouncing his leg while smiling, half-expecting Noah to take the gesture as an invitation to sit down too.

When Noah sat beside him on the bed, half-worried and half-confused, Finn had an impulse to grab the hand Noah was resting on the mattress between them. He stopped himself, however, when he realized how much it reminded him of when they worked together as kids. 

He closed his eyes tight and let out a heavy sigh, clenching his fingers to keep himself in check.

“Finn…” Noah tried to say.

“Was it about me?” Finn blurted out suddenly, opening his eyes and cutting off whatever Noah was about to say.

He was staring at Noah in an almost accusatory way, bathed in a kind of hopeful desperation, yet looking deeply hurt at the same time.

“What?” Noah asked, more confused than ever.

“When you said you fell in love with a best friend… Were you talking about me?”

Noah felt his body lean back slightly, an invisible force making him feel lightheaded, as if the world were spinning only inside his head. Perhaps it was because the accusation was so close to the truth that he felt completely thrown off balance. 

It was like stripping naked before a crowd, being exposed in front of millions of people, except it was only Finn. But maybe that was worse.

Noah didn’t know how to answer that. It would be so much easier to simply say no, it wasn't about Finn. 

Because, in truth, he hadn't necessarily been thinking about Finn when he said that the day before. It had kind of happened with Finn too, meaning, it could have happened with Finn if Noah had ever said anything, but no...

Noah had never even faced the reality of it until a few weeks ago. He knew now that he had fallen in love with Finn; it was obvious once he weighed it on an emotional scale and cataloged his memories. 

But he had spent half his life pretending he didn’t know why his heart seemed to double in size every time they reunited, or why he smiled so easily at anything Finn did, or why he felt like he was tearing pieces of himself away whenever they said goodbye.

Noah had tried to fill those empty spaces caused by Finn’s absence with other things, other people, or sometimes even other memories with Finn himself. 

Their friendship; the way Finn tried to imbue him with his own musical taste; his failed attempts at cooking until he became passable, then good. 

The weekly messages he insisted on sending to check if everyone was okay, the random photos of daily life, the jokes that never faded with distance even when they were each in a different time zone. 

All the things that made Noah love Finn "out loud," simply because they were the same things that made all their other friends love him too.

But Finn, in that moment, was looking at Noah as if he had never seen any of it, as if he had never realized how much he was cherished. 

And there it was, too: that same hope Noah had sworn never to feel. 

He simply didn't know what to do about it.

“Does it matter?” was how Noah chose to respond, sounding as gentle as he could manage.

Because he didn't want to hurt Finn, but he also didn't want to stab his own heart just to leave it open there between them, with no care in sight.

“It matters a hell of a lot,” Finn retorted, showing too much emotion, his face caught between a frustrated grimace of wanting to cry and pure expectation.

“I don't think it makes a difference,” Noah tried.

He was feeling dizzy again because Finn was too close, his mood too altered, making Noah feel like he could smell his emotions in the air, suffocating in the feelings evaporating from Finn's pores.

“It makes a difference to me…” Finn pleaded. “Please.”

Noah wanted to say that Finn was being stupid, that forcing Noah to say it out loud was cruel, especially when he apparently already knew the truth. 

He just wanted to be certain, to be convinced of something.

But Finn was holding Noah’s hand now; he had moved so close on the bed that Noah could hardly tell if any personal space still existed between them. 

And Noah still didn't understand exactly why Finn needed this, why he hadn't reached the same conclusion as Noah and simply buried the explanations somewhere deep between his ribs. 

Why did he need more?

But he could feel Finn’s fingers between his own, cold and damp, just like the day they kissed for the first time. 

And Noah had no one, and nothing, to blame for this but himself.

Hope is what's cruel, Noah realized, because there was no possibility of them coming out of this unscathed, without breaking each other’s hearts. 

Would it have been better to do this when they were younger? Before they had ever emotionally collided with anyone else? 

Noah wasn't sure if they would have lasted, if things between them would still be okay, if they would still be good friends. 

Or if they would have simply crashed together, like galaxies attracting one another until they became one.

Maybe they would never know what could have been, and Noah didn’t want to live with regret, thinking about the past and all the missed or avoided possibilities. 

If he was going to regret something, let it be something he actually had control over.

Let it be about the present.

“I was talking about you,” he admitted.

Because even if he hadn’t done it consciously at the time, no one had ever mattered as much as Finn had.

“You were in love with me?” Finn asked, as if he needed to be absolutely sure. 

It seemed he just wanted to convince himself he wasn’t hallucinating or dreaming.

“I think I still am,” Noah confessed.

Now, mirroring the same near-tearful expression Finn had on his face, a sort of finite desperation, as if even though they knew they felt the same, they had no optimism for what would come next. 

It hurt, because they knew; they knew how this would end. 

They knew that despite being the beginning, it was also the end.

But speaking, simply for the sake of saying it, just to be heard, was still surprisingly better than dying with it stuck in his chest, thinking he was alone. 

Noah wished he had understood sooner that, pain for pain, at least he would never feel lonely again.

“Why did you… why did you never tell me?” Finn asked, melancholy.

He was caressing Noah’s face now, running his thumb tenderly over the mole on his cheek, near his nose and mouth. 

As if he were trying to memorize, with his fingertips, a version of Noah he had never allowed himself to explore before.

“Because… because it wouldn't have made a difference, Finn,” Noah argued, trying to sound rational. 

Because even if he had never allowed himself to consider the possibility, he knew exactly all the reasons that had held him back in the first place.

“Of course it would have,” Finn complained, his finger now on Noah’s mouth. 

He was pressing against his lip as if he wanted to merge their skin, and Noah had to grab his wrist to pull it away slightly, because he couldn't think when his body seemed to have a mind of its own. 

He felt breathless, his lungs filled with desire instead of air.

“You were in a relationship for almost half a decade,” Noah pointed out, feeling Finn’s pulse quicken at the mention of reality. 

No matter what wave of illusion Finn was swimming in, what fantasy he was trying to lose himself in, that was still the truth. 

Even if he returned Noah’s feelings, as he was making it seem he did, he was the one who had been committed all that time.

“We kissed before that,” Finn tried to argue.

“What?” Noah retorted mockingly, letting out a genuinely amused laugh. “When you were completely obsessed with fucking Jack Dylan Grazer?”

Then it was Finn who laughed this time, hysterical, almost manic.

“I wasn’t obsessed with him,” Finn defended himself, his face scrunched in complete stubbornness.

“Right, not obsessed, it was more like absolutely in love,” Noah pointed out while pretending to roll his eyes. 

He was laughing too, because it didn't matter anymore; now it was truly just funny.

But Finn still seemed a bit unsettled, so he went back to holding Noah’s face, choosing to grip between his chin and neck this time, as if he wanted to force him to keep his eyes locked on him. 

Wanting to stop him from running away from what he would say next.

“I was never in love with him,” Finn insisted. “I was never in love with him,” he repeated for emphasis. “And if I had known that you…”

“Then what the hell was that?” Noah questioned immediately, his voice coming out a bit high-pitched, conveniently interrupting what Finn hadn't actually said.

If I had known you liked me, I could have liked you back.

“With him, everything was easier because I never had any doubt,” Finn explained, half-laughing, half-wanting to cry. “I looked at everything that happened between us without fear. I was never so terrified that I had to hide any moment with him in my head. I never had to pretend nothing happened, and I never regretted something I didn't do, because we were truly, truly just friends… for real.”

“What does that mean?” Noah pressed, pleading for Finn to explain, now that they had started, it felt impossible to stop. “That we were never real friends?”

“Of course not, obviously we were real friends,” Finn countered, blinking in disbelief at where Noah’s mind had taken him. 

It was no surprise now that they had misunderstood each other so much over the years, if that was the kind of analogy Noah’s mind usually made.

“Then what?” Noah insisted.

Finn let out a breathy laugh; he wanted to call Noah a dummy, with affection. 

But he looked so cute, staring at Finn with those big, hazel-green eyes.

“I never wanted anyone the way I wanted you,” Finn said, slowly, wanting to hammer every word into Noah’s brain so he would understand.

Even so, Noah looked shocked. 

Absolutely incredulous.

“I’m not saying you’re the love of my life,” Finn tried to explain, to soften the emotion or sound more casual than he actually felt. “Or the most important person in the world, I know we aren’t that to each other. I love you as much as I love all our other friends, but I never…”

He stopped talking suddenly, caught by the single tear rolling down Noah’s cheek. 

There was no sadness in his eyes, which only made Finn’s heart ache even more, but he still looked profoundly stunned, like…

Like no one has ever said something like this to him, Finn realized.

“What?” Noah was the one who finally broke the silence when he noticed Finn’s hesitation. 

He didn’t want Finn to stop; he was completely invested in what he was saying, he wanted to hear more.

“I never missed them the way I miss you,” Finn confessed, smiling again, his fingers caressing Noah’s hand and face once more. “I never thought about calling them in the middle of the night just to say something I forgot to tell them during the day, or never cared so much about the fact that they live in another city, or even another country, like… like I care with you.”

“Finn…”

“I never wanted to kiss any of them the way I want to kiss you,” Finn continued, ignoring the interruption, letting go of Noah’s hand only to cup his face with both of his.

“We… we’re so different,” Noah tried to argue, with no real conviction.

“I know,” Finn agreed, laughing. “I know it would never work out. I know we’re complete opposites and that we’d probably try to kill each other if we lived together, but do you think my stupid heart understands that when all it knows is how much it misses you?”

“Finn…” Noah tried again, this time making his name sound like a lament.

He was crying again, more tears streaming down his cheeks, and Finn didn’t hesitate to kiss the damp trails this time, drying Noah’s face with his lips.

“All the time,” Finn murmured as he kissed Noah’s face everywhere. “I miss you all the time…”

When they kissed this time, Noah was sniffing, but he swore it was from happiness when Finn tried to pull away to check if he really looked happy. 

So Noah smiled against his mouth, pulling him close and hugging him tight. It was ridiculous that he was still crying while they did that, but the tears were actually making him feel good, making him feel free, at peace.

It was a relief he had never even dreamed of.

And maybe that was exactly why everything that came after didn't feel rushed, or wrong. 

Finn’s body was trembling slightly, but not from nervousness, it was the lingering trace of emotion caused by the confession, as if something he had carried hidden inside for far too long had finally broken free and found its place.

He took a deep breath, slowly, feeling the weight of his own body settle against Noah’s, feeling present there in a way he never had before; safe, without the need to protect himself.

Noah seemed to understand, so he didn't try to rush things, acting without the urgency that Finn had always associated with moments like this. 

Instead, he let the moment build through discovery. With touches that gradually grew longer, breaths that met and mingled during the kiss, as if the simple fact of being there were enough to keep them alive.

Finn realized the crying had stopped without him noticing exactly when, replaced by a strange, almost reverent calm. A comfortable silence settled between them, filled only by their shared breathing and the racing beat of his own heart. 

It was as if the world’s volume had been turned down, as if everything that existed was distilled into that narrow space between the two of them.

He didn’t need to run, he didn't need to prove anything, and he didn't need to hide behind laughter or irony. For the first time, desire wasn't accompanied by tension or guilt, but by a quiet, almost grateful acceptance.

So, when they reached the point of feeling they needed to go further, that they needed more, any lingering fear had been muffled, silenced by the demanding vibration their bodies were exerting on each other.

It hadn't been scary, because it had happened gradually. As they undressed, they laughed less; the more clothes they took off, the more they seemed to be entering a sacred moment.

Somehow, Finn found himself standing beside the bed. Noah had nudged him so he could take his pants off without trouble, but then he had taken the opportunity to pull Finn’s underwear down with them, and now he was kneeling in front of his hips, knees on the floor, looking up.

“You’re so beautiful… shit,” Finn murmured, as if that too were a confession.

Noah gave an amused smile, torn between feeling proud and shy, but more focused on continuing what he intended to do.

His mouth was exactly where he wanted it, at Finn’s groin, and his arms were tangled between Finn's thighs, wrapping around his legs like a hug. One hand slid down his hip to his backside, while the other reached Finn’s semi-erection, massaging the length just as he guided him to the tip of his tongue.

“Fuck,” Finn cursed when Noah gave an experimental lick to the glans, even before taking him between his lips.

The curse sounded as sincere as a compliment, making Noah pull Finn closer with his other hand. He stopped hesitating, sliding his mouth down his length while keeping his eyes fixed upward, not flinching from Finn’s scrutiny for even a second.

“Fuck… yeah, like that,” Finn murmured as Noah blew him. “Just like that, baby.”

Noah moaned with his mouth full, encouraged by the affection. Finn gripped his hair tightly, mirroring the sound and caressing Noah's face with trembling fingers, nearly lost in devotion. 

Noah was the one on his knees, but Finn was the one who wanted to put him on an altar and worship him.

“Shit… fuck,” Finn let out again as Noah took him deeper, faster, letting out small choking sounds that shouldn't have sounded as exciting as they actually were, but which were making Finn feel like his own brain was melting. 

Wet, leaking, malleable, exactly how his dick felt in Noah’s mouth.

“Noah…” he groaned, dragging the name out as if it were candy on his tongue.

Noah pulled away suddenly, gasping and drooling, letting a string of saliva connect his red lips to the swollen tip of Finn’s penis.

“Fuck my mouth,” he pleaded, his voice guttural.

Finn gripped his hair even tighter, not knowing what to do with himself; Noah’s voice seemed to have injected liquid, burning lust right into the middle of his chest, where it was reverberating. 

He didn’t need much convincing, and soon he was holding his own member with his fingers, guiding himself back into Noah’s mouth. Noah had stuck his tongue out and finally closed his eyes, as if he only wanted to savor the sensation, without being distracted by whatever reaction Finn was having.

It felt like he was in a trance.

It felt like he was praying.

My God.

Finn thought he might pass out; he wasn't able to control his own body, which was trembling, sweating, falling apart. 

He couldn't do much, only shifting his hips back and forth, letting himself slide slowly in and out of Noah’s mouth, not too fast, not with much pressure, more intent on savoring the sight than speeding up the movement for his own pleasure.

“God, Noah…” he let out, feeling dizzy. “This feels so fucking good, damn… you’re so good, love.

When Noah choked again, Finn didn’t even have time to feel guilty for what he was letting slip; he was more desperate to pull him up, simply to kiss him until one of them died from lack of air or fainted.

“Come here,” Finn pleaded, at the same time leaning down and meeting Noah’s face halfway.

He held Noah’s head tenderly while he kissed him. Noah kept his lips almost still because of how sensitive they were, simply allowing Finn to suck, nibble, and lick them without reservation. 

Then they were turning, with Noah pushing Finn back onto the bed, and when they fell tangled among the sheets, Finn continued to kiss him, stopping only when he needed to groan whenever Noah accidentally brushed or purposely rubbed against his sensitive, wet length.

Noah finished undoing the buttons of Finn’s shirt, while Finn leaned down to pull Noah’s pants off, using his toes to push the fabric past his knees as he refocused his hands on Noah's torso. He slid his fingers under Noah’s clothes to touch his waist, then gripped the fabric between his digits to try and rip the last piece of clothing from his body.

Noah suddenly grunted against Finn’s mouth, lamenting having to pull away to get his shirt off, the hoodie he had been wearing earlier had long since been discarded around them. As he pulled the shirt over his head, Finn rolled his eyes and dug his fingers into Noah’s hips to pull him close once again.

“My God, you’re so fucking hot,” he commented, dazed, when Noah finally stood fully naked between his legs.

“Shut up, take your shirt off,” Noah pleaded, pulling Finn by the waist so he’d lift his back off the bed and finally strip the shirt from his arms.

Even though the garment was already completely unbuttoned, Noah wanted to touch Finn’s arms, which were still covered; he wanted to feel all of him, without a single thread between their skins.

“You don’t like it when I talk?” Finn asked with a laugh, more teasing than concerned.

“I do, I like it too much,” Noah answered, his mouth glued to Finn’s again once they had finally ridding themselves of the last piece of clothing. “That’s the problem.”

Finn had moved a hand between their legs and was massaging Noah’s erection, which by now needed no further encouragement. He laughed against Noah’s mouth as he wrapped his fingers around the head with his thumb, stroking the small opening at the tip, already leaking.

“I don’t think it’s a problem,” Finn continued to tease. “You’re so fucking wet.”

Noah moaned directly into Finn’s mouth, then bumped their foreheads together, almost too hard, as he rubbed against him, seeking friction against Finn's hand when the raspy sounds escaping his throat were no longer relief enough.

Finn pulled his hand away from Noah’s dick, choosing instead to grip his waist from both sides when he realized Noah was moving his pelvis against him on his own; the friction from the movement was good enough that he could focus on something else.

He pulled Noah up until he was lying completely on top of him, almost sitting, with a leg on either side of Finn’s waist. 

Noah kept moving his hips, now sloppily grinding their sensitive members against each other, and he pulled his mouth away so he could look Finn straight in the eyes while he did it.

Their lips were still connected by a string of saliva, and Finn stuck his tongue out to lick the wet trail escaping from Noah, wanting, almost begging, for him to spit into his mouth.

Noah was moaning louder, having lost almost all his modesty, Finn had no idea how he’d even had any left. 

There he was, naked, grinding in his lap like that, leaking enough pre-cum to leave them both completely soaked.

“I could use this to fuck you,” Finn murmured, sliding one hand back between their legs to caress Noah. 

It wasn't a suggestion, but a realization, one that was driving him crazy.

“I brought lube in my pocket,” Noah replied, half out of it, quickly answering Finn’s unspoken question about how far they would go this time. “And a bunch of condoms.”

“Wow, how long have you been planning this?” Finn teased.

“You’re the one who called me to a hotel room at two in the morning,” Noah countered with a laugh.

“And you just assumed it was only to fuck?” Finn joked, pretending to be offended.

“Hey, a man can dream, can't he?” Noah retorted playfully, before sealing their lips with a final, tender kiss.

He then braced himself on Finn’s shoulders and lifted his torso to sit fully in his lap, quickly rummaging through the sheets around them to find the clothes they had scattered across the mattress. 

He found the lube in one of the hoodie pockets and tossed it to Finn with a smirk, while pulling an entire strip of condoms from the other pocket, smiling behind the packaging.

“I don’t know if I should find you presumptuous or just way too hopeful,” Finn joked, feeling a bit intimidated.

“Just confident,” Noah replied provocatively, letting the packets fall onto Finn’s stomach. Finn let out an excited hiss as he squeezed Noah’s waist.

“Come up here for a second,” Finn pleaded, a dreamy, begging smile on his lips, already pulling Noah by the hips to make him slide up his body. “Let me blow you a little before I open you up for me.”

Noah gave a breathless smile in response, but soon he was nodding enthusiastically and moving up Finn’s body, resting one hand on the headboard and the other wrapping around his own member to guide it toward Finn’s mouth.

So Finn kept his tongue out, letting Noah rub the head of his penis against it however he wanted, painting Finn’s lips with pre-cum and just savoring the sensation of sliding through the wet mess that the mixture of semen and saliva was creating. 

When Finn finally wrapped his mouth around him and began to move his head slowly, Noah leaned his other hand against the wall and closed his eyes, letting his face rest against his own arm.

Finn didn’t mind doing all the work. With Noah looking far too lost in what he was feeling, Finn quickly set to work, bringing his hands to Noah’s penis to get a proper grip and continue jerking him off as he pulled him out of his mouth, trailing his lips down to Noah’s balls to suck there as well.

Noah slammed a fist against the wall in an involuntary spasm and let out a high-pitched moan when he felt Finn sucking on his testicles. He arched his back, whimpering in a daze as he felt Finn’s tongue brushing against his perineum.

Noah had a shy impulse to pull away, but Finn was gripping his hips, moving one hand to the middle of Noah’s backside, where he began to tease the entrance with his fingertip along with his tongue. 

He circled the flesh with the tip of his finger, pushing lightly in a provocative way while pulling his mouth away to go back to licking Noah’s dick, kissing the entire length as if he were savoring a popsicle.

Noah was completely breathless, looking down as if he thought Finn was unbelievable. Just as he was about to give up, to get off him and kiss him just to stop feeling so overwhelmed, Finn smiled, looking so ridiculously in love that Noah didn’t know how he was still able to exist.

“Get on all fours for me,” Finn pleaded. “I want to eat you out.”

Noah, who had barely recovered from the way Finn was touching and staring at him, felt like the blood vessels in his head were exploding like lightning in a storm. But after considering the offer for a split second, he only nodded desperately and scrambled off him, lying face down on the mattress and hiding his face between his arms while shyly lifting his hips.

He didn't know why he was still feeling shy at that point; maybe he was just labeling the sensation wrong. But it was overwhelming, even crushing, to know he was naked, to feel Finn’s naked body next to his, with their sweat mingling and starting to make their skin slippery.

And then Finn was behind him, kissing his back, then his backside, until he gripped the flesh with both hands and pulled his cheeks apart to get a better view of the muscle at the center that Noah was shamefully twitching. 

Finn was half-kneeling behind him, and Noah could feel his face burning as the seconds dragged on, with Finn apparently just staring at his hole as if hypnotized.

Then he felt it: a cold, viscous liquid sliding over his opening where Finn was letting saliva drip. 

Finn rubbed the area with his thumb, and Noah moaned, still far too overwhelmed by the exposure, but soon losing himself in the experience when Finn finally lowered his face and pressed his mouth between Noah’s cheeks, using his tongue to caress his entrance as if trying to convince Noah to let him in.

After that, Noah was gone. His arms were already strengthless, and he was drooling with his face pressed into the mattress, but when Finn pushed his tongue inside him, he lost any hope that he would ever be able to go back to normal again. 

He felt undone, his limbs heavy and soft like jelly; the only reason his hips remained even slightly elevated was Finn’s arms holding him tight, pulling him back up against his mouth.

When Finn warned him he would start using his fingers, Noah was already so finished that he thought it might even be unnecessary, if Finn wanted to fuck him right then, he certainly could have; he was already completely wrecked, open, and relaxed. 

Even so, Finn drenched his fingers in lube and opened Noah even further, with more patience than Noah would have liked, seemingly enjoying the moment far more than he was anxious for what came next.

Finn kissed his back, nibbled his waist, and told him the entire time as he fingered him that Noah was so fucking hot, that he felt like a dream, and that Finn was so lucky to have him like this, that he would never get tired of it, that he never wanted to stop.

When Noah began to push his hips back, Finn already had three fingers inside him, and as much as he was loving the sight of Noah’s body so desperate and surrendered like that, he forced himself to stop so he could finally go further.

“Turn over for me, love,” he whispered into Noah’s ear.

He had moved up his body until he was practically covering him entirely with his own, and after scraping his teeth against Noah’s shoulders and neck, he was biting his earlobe while holding him by the waist, encouraging him to turn and face him.

“I want to look at you while we do this,” he confided as Noah shifted beneath him to lie flat on his back on the bed.

Their chests were pressed together now, Noah’s legs wrapped around Finn’s waist, open and tilted. 

Noah nodded breathlessly and reached across the mattress for the condoms, tearing a packet open unceremoniously and lightly pushing Finn’s torso so they could separate just enough to put it on.

Finn was kissing him deeply while Noah struggled with closed eyes to unroll the condom over his penis; they pulled apart reluctantly, just enough to make sure everything was in place. 

Their foreheads were pressed together, their mouths open, wanting to return to the kiss, but Finn was looking down, having reached with one hand to hold his own member and guide himself inside Noah. 

His other hand gripped one of Noah’s thighs, keeping him wide open between his legs.

Finn pulled his face away when he pressed the head against the ring of muscle, wanting to watch Noah as he did it, while simultaneously wanting to simply stop, to stay frozen in that moment forever.

“Do you think it’s weird if I tell you I love you while we’re doing this?” he let out, breathless, as he slowly pushed inside.

“No…” Noah answered through a moan, his head falling back slowly with every inch Finn advanced. “I… I agree.”

Finn was almost all the way in, and he let out a laugh between a dazed, frantic groan as he buried his head in Noah’s neck.

“How did I manage to fall in love with you?” he murmured, laughing against his skin while kissing and sucking the spot.

“I… I don’t know…” Noah let out, gasping between every word as Finn slowly invaded him, and then “Oh…” he moaned, broken.

The sound escaped in a guttural way, seeming to scratch his throat from the inside while Finn nibbled and dragged his teeth along the outside.

They stayed there, holding each other, breathing heavily as they grew accustomed to the sensation of being so close, so connected, so deep inside one another. 

Finn trailed the kisses he was giving Noah up his chin until he reached his mouth, joining their tongues once more. Then he began to move slowly, not exactly pulling his hips back to thrust, but rather grinding his pelvis against Noah’s, creating friction within that tight interior without ever truly pulling away.

Soon they were struggling to breathe, parting their lips just to let out moans as they increased the speed of their movements. 

When Finn finally slid his penis out only to push back in immediately with a surge of pleasure, Noah arched his back slightly on the bed and clawed at Finn’s shoulders, murmuring “yes, please,” in a daze.

“I love you,” Finn let out, just as he said he would. “I love you so much, fuck… dear God”

The words seemed to slide across Noah’s face where Finn was whispering them, his mouth brushing against Noah’s cheek, then his temple. 

Noah’s eyes were closed, his arms still holding Finn tight, his short nails digging into Finn's back, and all he could do was moan and say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes…

At some point, they returned to the kiss, slowing their movements to catch their breath, or perhaps to try and make it last longer. 

Finn gripped Noah’s waist and flipped them over on the bed so that Noah was on top. In that position, it felt even more intense, with Noah bouncing in his lap and then leaning over Finn’s stomach to feel his own member rubbing against Finn’s abdomen every time he moved.

Their fingers were interlaced, and Finn felt completely at Noah’s mercy beneath him, letting Noah use him however he wanted, with his arms braced beside his face and their hands pinned above his head. 

When Noah slowed his movements, almost too exhausted to do more, Finn wrapped his arms tightly around Noah's waist and planted his heels into the mattress, gripping both sides of Noah's backside and lifting his hips off the bed to keep fucking him.

Noah wasn’t saying anything at that point, only letting out a frantic breath that seemed to choke on raspy moans at the same rhythm Finn was sliding in and out of him.

Then they rolled over on the mattress again, with Finn biting Noah’s lips as he moved harder, swallowing every sound of pleasure that escaped Noah’s mouth as if it were the fuel he needed to stay alive.

“I’m coming…” Noah whimpered after a while.

“Yeah?” Finn replied with proud presumption, keeping the pace of his thrusts to give Noah what he needed. “Are you coming for me? Are you coming on my dick?”

“Yeah…” Noah agreed with a long, drawn-out moan. “I am… my God, don’t stop, please… please, don’t stop.”

Then he was contracting around Finn, coming almost untouched between their stomachs, the friction and pressure of their abdomens being almost too much as he spilled over, overstimulated and sensitive.

And Finn didn't need much to follow him; he closed his eyes and buried his face in Noah’s shoulder as he felt his stomach lock up, the sensation of the orgasm hitting his hips like endless waves, one after another. 

It felt like too much, his thighs were burning as if he were being torn or scorched, and yet the pleasure leaving him, leaking out in thick strings of cum, was leaving his vision blurred, almost blacking out.

When it was over, it took Finn a while to feel like he could move, slowly coming back to his senses, breathing heavily and relaxed, as if he had just run a marathon. 

He trailed his face over Noah’s, and the two of them returned to a messy, slow, wet kiss, almost like a silent thank you they didn't have the strength to speak aloud.

Afterward, Finn pulled out of him, and they both groaned in unison. Noah began to stroke his head, and Finn rested his face on Noah’s chest, lying on top of him with no intention of moving. 

Finn was caught in the sound of Noah’s heartbeat, feeling like he could stay there holding him forever, but Noah eventually shifted so they could lie tangled on their sides and keep kissing.

Finn kept their lips together, dragging them lazily against each other, as if he were simply savoring the taste.

His throat felt raspy, and he was murmuring something incoherent as if he were drunk. He seemed to want to say something but was holding back, afraid of breaking something fragile between them. 

When he finally spoke, the words came out low, almost dissolving in the tiny space separating their mouths, heavy with everything he had never thought he was allowed to feel.

“We wasted so much time,” he whispered against Noah’s lips.

Noah pulled back to laugh, but he was caressing Finn’s face with extreme care. He suddenly seemed transfixed by what he was seeing: Finn, right there, all sweaty, lips swollen, his short hair a total mess.

“We could have been doing this that whole time in Atlanta,” Finn continued to lament. 

He didn’t really seem to expect an answer. His gaze wandered over Noah’s face as if searching for old versions of themselves, trying to see exactly where everything had missed its mark.

“We still have until morning,” Noah replied in a murmur.

Finn locked eyes with him, and Noah felt Finn’s heart begin to beat faster.

“I’m sorry I didn't understand sooner,” Finn apologized, his voice thick with melancholy.

Noah’s lips parted as he took a deep, breathless breath. It wasn't what he expected to hear Finn say in that moment, even though it was clearly something Finn had wanted to confess for a long time. He couldn't pretend it was surprising, but it made his heart feel heavy just the same.

Finn took a deep breath, feeling the weight of his own voice even before using it. His chest rose and fell too slowly, as if preparing for something that would hurt more than any silence.

“I’m sorry I was so afraid of this,” Finn continued quietly. 

He spoke without looking directly at Noah for a moment, his fingers drawing distracted lines over Noah's skin, as if he needed to anchor himself to something physical to keep going. 

“I think I was so terrified of myself that I couldn't see you were there too, that we could have gone through this together.”

Noah gave an understanding sigh, then a half-smile. 

It was a smile trained by survival, not indifference. Noah knew exactly how much it had hurt to get here; he just didn't want that pain to govern everything all over again.

“I think it was better this way,” he tried to argue. “We couldn't depend on each other for that.”

“Still…” Finn insisted. “It could have been easier.”

“Or more traumatizing,” Noah countered as an alternative, but he was laughing as he spoke because he wanted to show it didn't really matter anymore. “Come on,” he tried, seeing Finn still looked dejected. “You at sixteen? You would have broken my heart into a thousand pieces.”

Finn gave a weak laugh, closing his eyes as he tried to imagine the possibility.

“Or you would have broken mine,” he shot back.

Noah sighed again, tempted to burst out laughing, but merely amused by the possibilities, not wanting to get lost in frustrations or drown in regrets. 

Then he tilted his head slightly, like someone offering something without knowing if it would be accepted, but deciding to try anyway.

“Better late than never?” he proposed.

Finn opened his eyes again, keeping them steady, straight into Noah’s. 

It seemed like he wanted to say more, that he would always want to say more. 

But he also seemed to be starting to feel at peace.

Whether they would have shattered each other before, or if they were always halves of something with empty parts trying to complete themselves too late, Finn began to accept that, for once, they had managed to feel whole. 

The idea was comforting, but it was also cruel. Being whole once, like that, still meant having to deal with the lack of it afterward.

The next day, Noah was finishing getting dressed, and Finn was staring at him from the bed, still totally naked and a bit sweaty from the way they had fucked again before dawn.

His head felt like it was spinning, while Noah acted absolutely composed and satisfied, getting ready and casting only small, knowing glances toward Finn, who was forced into a weak smile as he felt his heart sinking. 

Every piece of clothing seemed to create more distance than it should, and Finn felt a knot forming in his chest before he even understood why.

“Noah…” he called out when Noah finally finished and moved toward the door. 

The word escaped before he could decide if he actually wanted to say it. It sounded too small for everything he was feeling. 

They had already said their goodbyes, shared dozens of kisses before and after Noah got out of bed; Finn didn't know why he felt so torn apart.

Noah stopped, finishing adjusting his hoodie over his shirt, and looked at Finn intently, smiling affectionately as he noticed Finn’s expectation.

“Let’s not act like this is a goodbye,” Noah suggested gently. 

Even as he said it, Noah had to struggle to keep his voice steady. There was an almost excessive care in every syllable, as if any mistake could make them crumble.

Finn swallowed hard, feeling his eyes begin to sting in a treacherous way. 

Noah waited, an encouraging smile on his lips, even though his own chest was burning, his lungs feeling swollen.

“I agree,” Finn answered slowly.

Noah laughed, thinking he knew exactly what Finn meant, apparently, that was going to be an inside joke between them now. 

And then, after taking a deep breath, feeling his heart beat too loudly in his chest, as if begging for borrowed courage from anything that could hear him in the air...

“Me too,” he replied, silently pleading that Finn was on the same page and understood.

Finn’s lips trembled in a sad attempt at a smile, but then he was swallowing hard and nodding as if he were far too tired.

“Do I see you tonight?” he asked suddenly, abruptly changing the subject to try and pull himself together.

Noah gave an understanding sigh and then a faint smile in agreement. 

“Definitely,” he promised, feeling a bit uncomfortable with the forced casuality.

“Good,” was all Finn said in response.

“You’re also coming back next week for our screening of the last episode, right?” Noah asked, a bit breathless, unable to end things properly. 

Would it be weird if they kissed again? 

Was a kiss what they were actually still waiting for from each other?

“Yes,” Finn agreed, monosyllabic.

“And… and you can come back after that, too, when… when all of this is over,” Noah suggested nervously, feeling like an idiot before the words even left his lips, yet unable to help himself.

Finn took a sharp breath, looking almost relieved, and now his eyes were shining with tears he refused to let fall. 

“Whenever I can,” he promised.

“Good,” Noah echoed this time.

Then they were smiling in that awkward way again, and Noah nodded to nothing, or to himself, as he waved one last time at Finn and turned clumsily toward the doorknob.

“Noah…” Finn called out again as he turned.

Noah stopped, shamefully more anxious than he cared to admit, his hand still on the latch, his heart in his throat. 

He swallowed hard. 

He didn’t want to regret anything.

“I love you, too,” he answered softly before leaving.

The room felt far too silent after the door closed. Finn stayed still for a few seconds, just feeling his own breathing stabilize, as if he were relearning how to exist alone. 

Then he smiled, feeling a bittersweet relief flood his chest, a painful joy that seemed to be scarring his heart.

When the tears finally rolled down his cheeks, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 

This time, finally, without any fear of loving out loud.