Work Text:
Break Down Lies
There wasn't really one thing that pushed him over, it was more like everything was building up and up and up and he just couldn't take it anymore.
He broke.
He moved in something like a daze, this weird in between feeling you get with massive breakdown.
He didn't even really register going to the kitchen, picking up the knife.
Just that there was a sting and then a tearing of the skin.
He just stood there, looking at his arm, knife still in his hand, watching the blood seep out of the cut, deep red, staining his skin as it was sneaking down over his fingers, splashing on the tiles.
He had no idea how long he just stood like that.
There was something almost calming watching his blood run out of his body, how his skin got pale, how the blood stained it in weird patterns.
Suddenly his phone started to ring with the tone he had set for Shane, snapping him out of whatever state he had been in.
He dropped the knife in the sink, quickly opening a cupboard and taking out a clean towel and wrapping it around his arm.
He looked over to the puddle of blood on the tiles.
Fuck, what the fuck had he done.
He quickly grabbed his phone, answering the call before Shane could start to worry.
-Hey, sweetheart. How was your game? Sorry I couldn't watch it. - Ilya sat down, putting the call on the speaker so he could apply pressure on the cut.
- Hi! It was great! We won. I scored two goals and had three assists. You sound tired, did you overdid it in the practice? - Shane sounded worried and fuck, it made Ilya's stomach clench, he never wanted to be the reason for Shane to worry.
- Yeah, I guess. Just the roadie kicking my ass. Will probably sleep like dead tonight. You still coming at the end of the week? - Ilya carefully peeled the towel back but only more blood bubbled up, the towel already wet.
- Yes, can't wait. - Shane yawned. - Mmm, can't wait to sleep next to you. -
- Or under me. - Ilya tried to be flirtatious and it worked, earning a laugh from Shane.
- Fuck. I don't think I can get it up right now. I'm exhausted. - Shane yawned again, shuffling around, clearly getting in the bed.
- It's okay, I’m really tired too. Maybe in the morning? Would be a good wake up call. - Ilya chuckled, his head feeling a bit light.
- Yeah. I love you. - Shane already sounded on his way to falling asleep, it made Ilya smile.
- I love you, Shane. Sleep well. - Ilya only got a hum in reply.
He ended the call.
Fuck, he really needed to go to the hospital, the bleeding wasn't stopping.
He cursed.
The lie fell easily.
He was sharpening his skates, slipped and the fresh blade sliced over his arm.
Silly hockey player.
But they just smiled at him, stitching him up and giving him some good pain meds.
It made Ilya feel hollow inside, how easily people believed a couple fake smiles and an easy lie.
But he was too tired to look at it much closer, just wanting to crawl in the bed and sleep.
Ilya was excited for Shane to get there.
They had four whole days to spend together.
Ilya was buzzing with excitement and need for his boyfriend.
That's why he threw the door open even before Shane could stop the car, already grinning like an idiot.
But when Shane got out of the car, he had a matching grin, hurrying to jump in Ilya's open arms.
They stumbled backwards, their lips clashing together.
Ilya had enough mind to kick the door shut and press Shane against them, getting absolutely lost in their kissing.
-Hi. - Shane grinned when they finally pulled apart, his arms around Ilya's neck, one hand petting Ilya's hair.
- Hi. - Ilya didn't even care how silly they looked right that moment, he just was happy.
They grinned at each other for a moment longer before the need to kiss and press even closer won out.
Ilya easily carried Shane up to their bedroom, both of them laughing in between kissing.
Ilya loved these moments, where they were hot for each other but were also filled with laughter and smiles, happiness bursting out of them and making them both shine with love.
After getting rid of their clothes, Ilya focused on driving Shane out of his mind, kissing him all over, caressing his body like he was the most precious thing in the whole world.
By the time Ilya pressed inside Shane, Shane was a moaning and whimpering mess already, gripping at Ilya with strong fingers as if afraid to let go.
Ilya could spend hours just watching Shane like that, high on pleasure.
He loved Shane so much.
They gave each other pleasure and fed off it together.
After coming apart, Ilya collapsed on top of Shane, hugging him close, just breathing him in.
He could stay all night like that, his heart finally settled.
All too soon Shane was starting to shift under him.
No matter how much he didn't want to get up, he knows that he will simply because he didn't want Shane to be uncomfortable with all the mess they made.
So he pushed up, kissed Shane softly and got out of the bed, stretching.
Shane paused his scrambling out of the bed to take in Ilya's body, gladly trailing fingertips over stretching muscle.
Ilya bet down and kissed him again.
-Like what you see? - He teased, picking Shane up and carrying him to the bathroom.
- Always. - Shane laughed. - You don't need to carry me everywhere. -
- Didn't hear you complaining. Just moaning. - Ilya raised one eyebrow, setting Shane down to turn on the water.
Shane hugged him from behind but then stopped, let go and turned Ilya around, grabbing Ilya's left arm.
-What the fuck happened? - Shane looked up at Ilya with wide eyes.
- An accident. Was sharpening skates and slipped. It's nothing. Just a couple stitches. - Ilya shrugged, pulling his arm away and turning back to the shower, pulling Shane in it with him, careful to keep the massive plaster out of the water.
- It doesn't look like just a couple of stitches, Ilya. It's almost over most of your forearm. When did this happen? - Shane carefully started to wash Ilya.
Ilya felt like shit.
All happiness gone.
He hated lying to Shane but he knew that the truth would hurt Shane even more than the lies.
-Tuesday. - Ilya wanted to look away, he couldn't take the tenderness from Shane right now, yet he couldn't look away, torturing himself with worry shining in Shane's eyes.
- Tues… But we talked on the phone. Why didn't you tell me anything? Or the next morning? Or any other time we talked? Ilya! - Shane quickly started to wash himself.
- It wasn't important. - Ilya's voice sounded flat, suddenly he felt exhausted.
- Wasn't… Ilya! Of course it's important! - Shane quickly rinsed, turning the shower off and stepping out, dragging Ilya with him, starting to towel Ilya dry. - Baby, you are important. -
Shane looked him in the eyes, cupping his cheeks so softly, being so tender, it revealed something deep in Ilya, he just started crying like an idiot.
But Shane being the caring boyfriend simply pulled Ilya close, hugging him and holding him.
Ilya really didn't deserve Shane.
He sat down on the closed toilet lid, looking up at Shane, his heart breaking but he knew that he needed to be truthful.
-I lied. - Ilya swallowed down tears, blinking rapidly to focus on a confused Shane in front of him.
- About what? - Shane looked like a clueless kitten and Ilya's heart was breaking, he hated hurting Shane.
- It wasn't an accident. - Ilya's voice sounded so flat, so unemotional, his hands were trembling, resting in his lap.
- What are you talking about? - Shane asked carefully, as if he already sensed what was coming.
- I wasn't sharpening skates. -
- Ilya. -
- I don't know what happened. -
- Ilya. -
- It just happened. And then it kinda felt soothing to just watch blood bleeding. - Ilya was snapped back to that feeling, looking down in his covered arm, Shane stayed silent. - But then you called and I snapped out of it. I went to the hospital right after. -
He looked up at Shane, looking absolutely shocked, all pale.
-Shane, I promise. It was just an accident. It won't happen again. - He reached for Shane but Shane stepped back, out of his reach.
- You don't know that. - Shane's voice sounded cold, he shook his head.
- I do. I’m okay. - Ilya stood up, walking to Shane but Shane just stepped away. - I’m okay, Shane! I’m okay! -
- You clearly aren't! You tried to kill yourself! And then lied about it right to my face! You didn't even tell me you were hurting so badly! So how the fuck can you say that you are okay? - Shane was gripping his hair.
- I went to the hospital! I knew that I did something wrong! I know that it was a mistake! I admit it! I even started medication to help! - Ilya grabbed Shane's wrists, pulling his hands away from pulling at his hair.
- You were hurting so badly you almost killed yourself and I didn't even know. - Shane looked at him with tear filled eyes. - I didn't even know. What kind of a shitty boyfriend is that? -
- No, no, no, sweetheart, it wasn't your fault. Even I didn't know that I was feeling so low. But it is better. I am seeing my therapist more and starting meds. It's okay. - Ilya tried to soothe Shane but Shane was crying.
- I should have known. - Shane finally allowed Ilya to pull him close, holding on to Ilya tightly. - I’m so sorry I didn't know, that I didn't help. -
- You did help. You keep me grounded. I love you too much to leave you. - Ilya cupped Shane's face in his hands, looking him in the eye. - I promise that I won't leave you like that. -
- Don't you ever dare. - Shane tried to look stern but his bottom lip wobbled.
- I love you too much. - Ilya pulled Shane back against his chest, hugging him tightly.