Chapter Text
"Pretty boy, come here and don't disappoint me again"
Evan wakes up by the perfect, ideal yellowy lightning that shines through the window. He doesn't remember his dream, but he certainly knows according to his wet eyes that this wasn't a pleasant one. His breath is shallow and he has to remind himself to breathe. He feels disconnected to his body, almost like he was floating into a massive black hole. Maybe that's exactly how his life looks? He always feels like he's out of place. Not matching to any drawer prepared with cautiousness and precision only for him. He tries to count his breaths but the feeling of loneliness and despair to himself is starting to sneak into his lungs, veins, mind and body. He cannot force himself to stand up from his bed almost like he was glued to his sheets and pillows. He finds comfort in it. He thinks about his dearest family. His mother was always there to support him, even if she didn't understand whatever was in his tangled mind. She never asks questions when it comes to him staying in bed almost every day, she just takes care of him and that's why he loves her. Unconditionally he loves her more than anything. More than his passion for films, catching a glimpse of strangers with his camera or even his small village in Connecticut. He hears her soft voice coming from the kitchen and he's sure that even the worst man on Earth would become better just to pick up the melody coming from her mouth. Of course he also catches his sister' laughter that in the normal morning would be like the sound of waves crashing perfectly on the sand or birds warbelling. Pandora is his twin and he is extremely grateful that such an excellence was born at the same time as the biggest aberration of their father. When his mind is trekking through memories with his father, Evan finds himself in the place where only the darkest people get. In the feeling of being a failure. His father made it clear that as his son, Evan needs to be someone great, educated and wealthy to make him proud. Evan wishes to hear words that will never come out from his parent, because he will always be a misstep. Not only his father reminds him of that, but also his own reflection. When he looks in the mirror, he sees a broken white swan that will never catch a break from performing to his loved ones. His face is miserable, drowned in the largest lake of perfectionism and overworking. His eyes are filled with agony for those five words he will never get.
"I am proud of you"
Sometimes Evan wonders if it wouldn't be easier for everyone if he just died. He thinks about his perfect way of getting out of this prison cell which is life. He doesn't want to feel so deeply attached to the grids that are embedded into the ground. The lock is closed and the only thing that can open his nightmare is death. Pure, alluring, impeccable and refreshing death. Suddenly the door opens and through his watery eyes he sees his sister. She looks at him like she is scared of him and he cannot blame her. For sure he looks like a mess and not a person who should be there for his family to provide them stability and wellness. That's what his father is saying.
"You've woken up already" - she whispers. "Mom is calling you for a breakfast"
"I'll be there in a minute" - he says in a raspy voice like he hasn't been using his vocal tract for ages. She gives him a quick look and turns. Her hair shines in the sun and lights his whole room. Maybe that's what he needs? A light.
After changing into more appropriate clothes he makes his way downstairs. Their cottage is quite gorgeous, but also made with love and respect. Cosy furniture is perfectly blended into their chaotic personalities and vibe of their family. Only in some corners the picture of their warminess is fragile, because things left by his father and never returned are still there. His parents were never made for each other, which only confirmed their divorce. Luckily the custody was given to their mother, but their father was always haunting the narrative. Into his nose slammed the smells of his childhoodness. The pancakes made by his mother were always something that he was searching for in the blackest days. He sat by his mother and completely drew into the conversation:
"Mom, I told you about Mary's party! I thought we could go!"
Evan was quite shocked when he heard about the party. He barely socializes with people, especially when they're Pandora's friends. Not that he doesn't like them, he just gets nervous when the talks are not about the future or films. He just doesn't know how to talk with people that are not his father. Their mother only gives his sister an disapproval look and focuses on him instead:
"Did you sleep well son?"
Evan flinches a little, he hates how this word is said with love and comfort. He doesn't remember when this wasn't an insult. He cleared his throat and sighed:
"Of course Mom, as always."
He tries to pull his best smile but the concern of his mother's face is clearly visible.
"Evan…"
He cuts it off quickly by his hand. He doesn't need to hear his mother's disappointment in him. He knows his fucked up but what can he do about it? He's not a machine to be fixed. Sometimes he really wishes to know why he's like this and not like his sister who is everything but not a mistake. Someone who is younger than him only a minute and still can do everything that he can't. She even likes law, which is quite hilarious because she checks all the boxes for their father and she is a girl. And what he means by that is that she never has to elate their father and she still manages to do it. What is wrong with you Evan? Why can't you be like her? You always chose everything, but not what your father decided. It really would be better for everyone if you just disappear. The sound of the calling phone had snapped him from his thoughts. His mother was already by it and was speaking in an agitating voice.
"Adoplh he has a breakfast. He cannot speak to you"
Evan guessed that whatever they were talking about, it was about him. He jumped out of his seat and took the phone from a trembling mother' s hand.
"Good morning father."
On the other end of the phone a deafening silence fell. Instantly Evan knew that it was about to be an awful chat. Then the voice of his father was extremely angry and vicious:
"What have you done Evan? I told you not to be reckless and I meant it! You threw away all of your future just to be some stupid director."
He cut his father speech and tried to reach for a help from his words, but the only thing that came out was a shaky sound reminding him of his weakness:
"It's not stupid"
"Don't interrupt me, you creature of my past son. It is foolhardy of you Evan and you know it damn well that I won't support that. Look at your sister! She chose the right path. And you? You chose an uncertain future…"
The tirade of his father was only a background sound for him. His hands were shaking, his breaths were shallow and the only thing he could think of was how much of a fool he was. His choice of career would never be something that his father would approve of and still he did it. That's not how an acceptable son acts.
"That's all I have to say Evan. Goodbye"
The atmosphere in the house had changed. Everyone could feel it. His mother's face was unreadable and Pandora was just looking at her plate. Evan couldn't think straight. All he could think about was dying. So he walked past his mother, ignored her wishes to come back, took his jacket and car keys and walked out of the house. Fresh air hit him like a car but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was to just get out here. Out of this town, far away from his decisions and dreams. He started the car and quickly left the driveway. He accelerated and suddenly he felt free. There were no requirements to make, lies to say, boundaries to break and the only thing that mattered was the tree in front of him. He just drove into this enormous plant and was ready to finally let flames burn him into ashes.
He woke up in a strict, blank white room filled with noises of machines working next to him. He realized that not only he tried to kill himself, but most certainly he lived. And that was the worst fact of any of this bullshit. He glanced at the concerned faces of his family and of his only friend, Barty Crouch Jr.. Barty was a breathtaking person that filled the whole room with laughter and jokes, but seeing him in this state was not only a devastating memory, but also a heartbreaking concept. He looked so small in comparison to the white walls and tears were running through his face. Evan wondered if he was responsible for this state, but at this point he didn't care. He needed to get out of here as soon as possible. He couldn't let anyone think that something was not right with him. He tried to unplug the drip, but his mother's hand was faster. She looked at him with serious face and said:
"You're not going anywhere Evan"
He still had his hand ready, but after a while he finally gave up.
"Mom I'm fine" - a lie. "It was just an accident" - another lie.
"No, it was not. How could you by an accident drive into a huge tree in the middle of nowhere? Do you know how many hours we were looking for you? You almost died!"
Her face was painfully wrenched and Evan wished he wasn't the one looking at it.
He really wished to die that night but unfortunately that wasn't given to him.
"Mom…"
"Shhh baby… everything will be alright"
The hug was unexpected but welcomed with a pinch in his heart. How could he be so selfish? Sometimes he didn't understand why he couldn't be just like the other children. Not making his parents regret having him. His sister joined in a hug and they stayed like this for a couple of minutes. Then it was time for Barty's turn.
"Good you stayed alive Rosier" - he smirked, wiping away his tears.
"I'm not actually happy that I'm in a hospital bed and not you" - he said sarcastically and he knew that their dynamic was like always. Just two boys who knew how to get through life with jokes and sarcasm. They were meant to find each other and to sail through the changing waves of the ocean called life. All of them stayed in even after visit hours ended. His mom brought them a laptop and they all watched films that made Evan feel almost like home. However this idyll was about to collapse when the doctor walked in the room. The promise that Evan made to himself broke in a second. He was about to be sent to a mental hospital with all of these freaks, just like he was one.
"Mr. Rosier, I'm doctor Bloom. I'm here to talk about your treatment. We start from easy points okay?"
He nodded because what else could he do.
"You will stay here for a while. Your ribs are broken and you have broken your arm. A week is a must in your condition. Do you have insurance?"
"I have."
"Good. That's what I wanted to hear. Now I must excuse your relatives but they need to leave the room."
In a few minutes Evan was too aware of his presence and the power of the doctor to actually lock him up. He started sweating, his hands already were scratching his thigh and he was sure that he looked so nervous that his eyeballs were leaving their place. Doctor Bloom however looked amazingly soft and calm, which only made him tear up emotionally more.
"I'm gonna start explaining to you how this will look. After your release you will be on a consent watch of your mother. I know you're an adult but that's a must when it comes to your suicidal personality. Then you will start attempting group therapy sessions two times a week."
He was ready to sink in this bed and never show up again.
"Can I not agree?"
Doctor Bloom only smiled:
"You can, but in your state you cannot make this decision. Your mother already did that. All of this is set up and you cannot run from it"
From this moment, Evan didn't even hear what she had to say. He didn't even see her leaving his room. His skin was burning, his throat was too dry and his eyes were cloudy like he was driving through the most misty forest in the world. He is finished and so is his future. He was going to be alive and present, because someone decided that for him. He was betrayed by the closest human to him. The one who was supposed to have his back and not the one to twist the knife.
The days were passing, Evan was still in this white room too aware of his surroundings. He didn't want any visitors, he just locked himself up in his own shell with his books and headphones. He didn't care about the meals, about his condition or the pills. He was just a living rock that knew how to breathe. Nothing more. Sometimes he emerged himself in the dangerous paths of his insane head and no one could pull him out. Not even the psychiatrist that was seeing him twice a day. Finally the day of his return home has come. He woke up, got out of bed, packed his things and waited for his mother and sister. The minutes passed into hours and for Evan it felt like an eternity. When he heard someone calling his name he finally got up and took his bag. He left without a word and knew that nothing was going to be the same. When they finally left the building the air was different. It felt almost like the beginning of something.
"It's beautiful weather right?" - his mother looked at him and put her hand on his shoulder. He couldn't say the word "mother" when he heard that she made him look crazy in front of the whole world. So he called her by her name, only when she heard in. In his head she was always a mother. He just shrugged her hand and nodded. They made their way to the car without a word. The engine started to work and they were off. He was about to come back home. To his comfortable room, to his bed that he hasn't planned to get out of. His imagination was running through the days of him just laying with his headphones and a perfect piece of art on paper. Maybe sometimes he would sip a cup of tea or coffee to make sure that his body is prepared for another round of sentences that were about to change his life. The only thing he was scared of was his father. If he knew about that, his body would turn into a corpse and maybe that was about to be a great solution for his problems. When they arrived his attention drew a gigantic sign which was saying "WELCOME BACK OUR ROSIE". He immediately knew that this was Barty's idea because he was the only one who would call him that. Maybe not everything was supposed to be broken? He made his way to the entrance not looking back at his mother. He knew that if he did he would break and that's not something he wanted to do on his first night at home. Pandora and Barty were waiting nervously on the couch and their heads slapped immediately when they heard a door closing. Evan had never been so nervous in his life and they could see it. They never acted that way. They walked around him like he was something breakable, like he was supposed to crash in the moment when they would say something more harsh or touch him in the way they always did but somehow now they can't. All of them tried to live normally, like nothing happened, but also all of them knew that well… it wasn't nothing. They played some games, ate dinner but the atmosphere wasn't so warm and calm like always. It was almost like a tight string that was on its last day of use. Evan knew that he had to run away from this fake photo of homely day and just lay in his deserved bed.
"I should rest" - he said as he was already in a standing position. "It was a long day"
All of them just gave him a concerned look and nodded quietly. Even Barty who tried to pretend for all day like nothing happened straight up a little. That was too much for him and he couldn't handle this.
Two weeks later, the day has come. His first group therapy. He was so nervous that he was ready to jump out of this fucking car and cried his eyes out. Someone would call that pathetic, for him it was that serious. It's not about that he will waste time there, it's about that they will think about like someone mental and he cannot make it happen. He will lie as much as it takes for them to realize that he's not mad and he doesn't have to be there. Images of landscape were passing out when they were almost there. He pinched the palm of his hand so insanely that the tiny drop of blood was visible. This was a satisfying feeling to see that maybe he's not really so dead inside like he thinks. That something in him is alive, well, hot and makes his heart pump faster than always. He has done this before. He took a razor blade and cut his skin in invisible places just to see how his body is still working in a perfect symphony.
The doctors would call him demented, he just likes to see that everything is working as it should. When he got out of bed and waited until his mother would let him go out of her hug, he passed the street and entered a colossal old building with wet spots on him and an abandoned vibe that definitely wouldn't make him get better. After a long search through hallways that looked almost like from a horror movie he's able to find a room where this hell takes place. Few people are already there and a circle of chairs looks like they are about to make a sacrifice to the Gods that he didn't know existed. He just shoves his hands into pockets and sits at the most distant chair. He tries not to think about the eyes that are landed on him or about the sound of the door closing. He will survive this, they will see he's healthy and they will let him go. Everything began, the therapist started by saying that they should all greet each other and to introduce themselves. He almost feels like he's in high school when he was a new kid and the teacher asks him to say a few words in front of the whole class. It's ridiculous.
"Maybe we'll start from you" - the lady showed him and suddenly he froze. Oh god dammit.
"I'm Evan."
"That's a nice beginning. Why are you here?"
Sixteen eyes were pointed directly at him like they were saying "We know you're sick". He anxiously bit his lip and then he got a stupid boost of being a sarcastic Evan version he was before all of this.
"Apparently because you think I'm sick but you just don't get the concept of suicide the way I do"
Everyone was just quiet, no laugh or even a smirk. This was new. He was accustomed to Barty's presence and the way he got his jokes. That was his only friend, well maybe not just a friend but that's not what he meant. They were supposed to be laughing like Barty, because it was funny right? The therapist just looked straight into his eyes and said:
"Let's move on, maybe our jester will learn what is tact"
That one hurt, but he just smirked and tried not to laugh. She was playful, but he didn't know if that was just trying to reach his level of sarcasm or just hurtful truth. Either way he didn't know what to do during the rest of this circus. He just wanted to go home and never leave it. However when he heard that melodic, almost reaching the honey sweetness voice, he immediately raised his head. In front of him was sitting the most pulchritudinous man he had ever seen. His brown curly hair was perfectly managed into an untouchable construction of spirals that you see only in hypnosis. His glasses were sitting at the curve of his nose that looked like it was sculpted in the ancient Greece times. Not to mention his hypnotic forest green eyes that were directly looking at him. His hands that could crash him in the first place were moving in a way that only a bandmaster could. The rings at his fingers were shining like a thousand spotlights in the theatre scene and he couldn't take his eyes off of him. Not only was he gorgeous, but also his style was ideal. Messy enough to look like he just woke up, but still clean and sharp at the moments when it was needed to. Then this mysterious man smiled and it was like waking up from the best nap in years and finally being able to see the sun. He was a sun. Evan tried to focus on what the girl before this man was saying. He probably just interrupted her in the first place. That's how he could hear the excellent composed melody of this man's voice. She ended her horrible story about her parents dying but Evan couldn't care less. He was too focused to listen to the serene voice of this mystical man. And finally it came, like a wave that peacefully set on your feet when you're too tired to care that you will get wet.
"I'm James and I've been here for two years now." - that smile again. Evan was ready to be burned in the shining presence of James. - "I was an alcoholic"