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She didn’t know at first if Lewis would show. He hadn’t answered any of Toto’s many calls, or so he told her. “I’ve told you everything I needed to say”, Toto quoted Lewis, making air quotes and sounding increasingly more disbelieving with each repetition. Susie couldn’t believe it either. Ferrari, what was he thinking? Nothing good. Her first thought was that this was Toto’s fault. He denied any wrong-doing. Pleaded with Susie to believe him, he assured her he hadn’t done anything to offend or displease Lewis, recently. “Or ever!” He swore, one hand over his chest. That one was a hard sell, and not just because Lewis was more sensitive than he cared to show, his feelings were fragile and his pride easily trampled on; Toto liked getting his way far too much not to offend.
Even so, she told Toto to leave and take Jack with him, Susie wanted to be alone with Lewis, in case he did show. At half past eight he rung the door, which was very silly of him, considering he had a key. It was also a bad sign.
Susie opened the door with a grin. “So good too see you,” she said, pulling him inside before he could change his mind or make some excuse. She helped him take off his coat while kissing him on the cheek. “Join me in the kitchen, I was just brewing some tea.”
With no room for disagreement, he followed her. Susie made small talk while finishing up their teas, and a very proper assortment of digestive biscuits. They would be British together this evening, and if Lewis wanted to behave like a visit, she was going to play the hostess. Neither of these roles fit them well, and she hoped the discomfort made the back of his neck prickle. This was the future he was looking at, if he insisted on going forward with this business.
“Almond milk?” She asked, making way to the fridge.
Lewis sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. That was the one that broke him, he’d bought the almond milk himself. “Why are you doing this? I can make my own tea and get the milk myself. You don’t need to…” He shrugged, looking for the right word.
Susie closed the fridge door with a dull thud, and leaned against it, arms crossed in front of her chest. No longer smiling. “I don’t know, Lewis, Toto told me you’re leaving the team, and that things between you two are over so I think we both have to figure out what that makes you, what that makes me. What it makes the three of us.”
Lewis looked around the kitchen, worrying at his bottom lip. “Do you have Toto hiding inside the cupboards somewhere?”
“He’s out. It’s just us.”
Lewis shoulders sagged, he hugged his elbow with lowered eyes. “I hope we’ll always be friends.” He shot her a conspiratorial smile. “The two of us, at least. Toto, who knows. I don’t care very much at the moment.”
“You’re still looking at one more season with him as your Team Principal, so please care.”
“I expect him to keep it professional.”
Susie blew out a breath. It shouldn’t be a tall order, but… “You know how emotional he can get.”
“Does he know, though? Because I’m sick and tired of being called emotional whenever I don’t do what he wants. It’s been years of this, Susie. I’m always either too stubborn or too emotional, he’s never the one at fault.”
“You’re not being fair. You know he’s made plenty of concessions for you, he’s been in your corner every step of the way.”
That was the wrong thing to say, she knew it the moment he let go of his elbow and pinned her with a hard stare. “Has he?”
Susie wasn’t in the mood to re-litigate AD, Lewis knew she agreed with him, there was no point in going over it again. Personally, she always found that the humiliation of knowing both Susie and Lewis thought he had been cowardly and mealy-mouthed when he should have been decisive and punched someone’s face instead of a table, was punishment enough for Toto. But Lewis liked twisting the knife. She saw two problems with his approach: when you held a blade you risked cutting yourself, and a weapon wielded too often grew blunt.
“It’s the contract, isn’t it? I told him he was risking alienating you, I don’t care what the German shareholders think and neither should he.”
Lewis was shaking his head before she was even done speaking. “That’s only part of it. It’s done, Susie. I’ve signed a contract with Ferrari, I’m going there, there’s no walking it back.”
“There’s always a way out. How many contracts have fallen through? Please, I know how this works. 2025 is a season away, you wouldn’t be that careless, and they wouldn’t be that generous. You both have escape clauses.”
Lewis went very still, he tilted his neck backwards as if in a dare. “Is that a threat?”
Already, the ground was growing unsteady beneath their feet. Susie didn’t like it. She never took a step if she didn’t know where her foot might fall. “You know we would never do anything to damage your performance.”
“I paid my dues to Mercedes. I paid them twice over.”
“Don’t talk that way, we’re family.”
“Exactly, that comes with many obligations, and I’ve always fulfilled my part.” He was growing despondent, more annoyed with each word. “You and Toto have nothing to complain about.”
“Who is complaining? Toto is devastated, and frankly, so am I. This whole situation is unfair for me as well, I think I deserved better than hearing it from the media and secondhand from Toto. You’re saying we’ll remain friends, I’m struggling to see how, if you’re no longer a Mercedes driver or my husband’s lover.” She blew out a breath. “Are you going to drop by for tea while running an errand? You don’t leave your flat.”
“The tea has gone cold, by the way,” Lewis said, nodding towards the two cups which were no longer steaming.
“Fuck the tea, Lewis, this is serious.”
“Susie, I don’t know what you think is going to happen. Are you really going to stand there and ask me to give Toto another chance? I gave him plenty. Sometimes things just end, and there’s no point dragging them along.”
She wasn’t the kind of woman who was afraid of change, and she wasn’t stuck in her ways, changes to her routine didn’t disrupt her day, or send her into a spiral of bad humour and anxiety. But this wasn’t about change, it was about loss. Lewis was making a choice that would leave them all worse off, and that she couldn’t accept. There was stability in their bond, and a kind of harmony that had bred years of success, both personal and professional. She loved Toto, was fairly sure he was the love of her life, even, but she was glad that there were parts of him that she never had to handle, and that probably only Lewis saw.
“I think you’re making a mistake,” she said, voice even. “All of this just feels wrong to me.”
Lewis gave her an accessing look, his dark eyes boring into hers. He looked good as always, but dressed down in a matching purple tracksuit and yellow beanie, that was something he probably didn’t realise he was going to miss. He could just be, around them. Their houses had always been his too, he had a key to every property in the UK, in Monaco, even the holiday houses he never really visited. Lewis’ world was really small, there weren’t many places where he could go without being mobbed. He was making it smaller.
“Is this about George?” His knowing look was tinged with amusement, he was looking at Susie like he had her all figured out, which she hated. “If you don’t want Toto to bring him around just tell him. He’ll go to George’s place instead.”
Susie scoffed, and mirrored Lewis’ posture, leaning her hip against the counter. “I could ask you the same thing. You know George is a mid-life crisis, it’s temporary, it will go away and--,” she stopped herself, she had never told Lewis this, but maybe he needed to hear it, “frankly, it was all your fault.”
Lewis’ eyes widened, and his lips twitched in disbelief. “My fault? It’s my fault that Toto decided to start fucking a younger man? What should I have done Susie, should I have spiced things up in the bedroom? Maybe it’s your fault.”
They were starting to get juvenile, another thing that never used to happen. She couldn’t remember the last time she and Lewis had had an argument, but it seemed like they were barreling towards one now. It struck her that they had never mentioned the obvious fact that they were fucking the same man when they talked with each other. How often had they had civil conversations over breakfast when Lewis stayed over, after sleeping in Toto’s room while Susie spent the night in hers? She had never heard a thing, of course the insulation was too good for anything else, but she knew too that Lewis would never be that crass.
Toto had once suggested she could ask him, if she were curious, about what their sex life was like, and she had been offended on Lewis’ behalf that he would even suggest it. “Has Lewis ever asked you about what we do?” “Of course not.” “Then, why would you think I would want to violate his privacy like that?” It had taken Toto a while to make it up to her after that one.
“You know you upset him when you brought Miles around the garage in 2022, all those introductions, it felt pointed. Toto isn’t stupid, he knew you were showing him off as the official ‘boyfriend’.”
“This,” he gestured in a circle, emphasizing Toto’s absence and their arrangement. “Was never exclusive. That was the whole point.”
“Sure, but, there was, I think, the understanding, that he came first.” She raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to deny it, but he didn’t. “Listen, I get it, you wanted to punish him for AD, so you got a younger boyfriend.”
“Miles is my age. I was not trying to make a point. We’ve been hooking up for years.”
“Sure, and that makes him 12 years younger than Toto, he got insecure.”
“‘Toto got insecure’, that’s really sexy of him, you’re really selling it, Susie, I can’t believe I’m walking away from an insecure 51 year-old.”
She wanted to be offended on Toto’s behalf, Lewis had a mean streak, which she always assumed was part of the attraction for Toto. Lewis had always acted like he was too good for Toto, who had done his damnedest to convince him of the contrary. Personally, she found it exhausting, but it was their dynamic, and if it worked for them, then great. Lewis liked being chased and cossetted, so perhaps it was only natural. Susie had never found Toto pathetic when he confided in her that he and Lewis were going through a rough patch, or that Lewis was being even harder to please than usual. She enjoyed those conversations, and she knew that Toto valued her opinion. It was one of the many ways in which the whole arrangement brought them closer.
The problem was that George Russell was not Lewis Hamilton.
The whole thing was, for lack of a better word, unchic. She could not stand the idea of her husband sleeping with his 26 year-old driver who looked up to him with the naked adoration of a little boy putting on his father’s suit in front of the mirror. There was nothing more embarrassing than the kind of mid-life-crisis that made men turn to relationships with people half their age as a way to prove to themselves and others that they were still desirable. It didn’t sit right with her, it made her see Toto as vulgar, and stupid, two adjectives that she had never associated with him. In a way, the fact that he was sleeping with Lewis spoke well of his character, it improved the air quality, it was dignified. George was sordid.
One thing both Susie and Lewis had in common was that they hated mess.
“You make him better,” she said, admitting something that she was just now realizing. “I like the version of him that is with you, better.” She gestured vaguely. “Whatever is happening now…” She shook her head and rubbed her temples.
In a way it was obvious, would anyone rather buy a handbag endorsed by Lewis Hamilton, or by George Russell? She didn’t want to consider the implication that if Lewis was done with Toto, maybe she should be too.
Lewis’ expression softened in understanding. “He will never leave you. He is not that stupid.”
She chuckled despite herself. “That’s not what I’m worried about, I know. He would never.” She cast him a conspiratorial look out of the corner of her eye. “Do you think, though, that George would have those kinds of designs?”
“He can’t be that stupid either.” He thought it over before shaking his head with a definitive denial. “Probably he’s just looking at some kind of managerial role when he retires, I think he would like to be Toto’s business partner in whatever way Toto sees fit to make it happen. It’s all very small-minded, but who knows, perhaps George doesn’t think he can strike out on his own. I think Toto gives him a sense of security.” He flinched, and rubbed his eyebrow with the knuckle of his pinky finger. He was feeling secondhand embarrassment, whether for George or Toto, Susie could only guess.
A shiver of revulsion ran down her spine. “I dislike him immensely. I don’t want to tell Toto to end it, though.”
Lewis nodded. “You want him to have the good sense to put a stop to it himself.”
They always understood each other when it came to Toto. They had the same expectations for him, the same exacting standards. Toto compared them often, Susie lost count of the times she’d made a remark and Toto would shake his head in amusement with a fond, “You sound just like Lewis.” It flattered her to be compared to Lewis, she wondered, though, if it flattered him to be compared to her.
George, though, she didn’t have to wonder, the unctuous way he spoke about her, the way he praised her with empty platitudes told her everything she needed to know. He was overcompensating, because he felt sorry for her. He always went out of his way to be polite and courteous to her, and she hated him for it. The condescension was nauseating. He seemed to be under the impression that she wasn’t aware that he was sleeping with her husband. Susie was waiting for the right opportunity to humble him.
And yet, despite all his guilt, George still hadn’t paid the F1 Academy drivers a single visit. To the day, only Lewis had bothered, and Susie didn’t see that changing any time soon.
“I don’t want you to think I’m trying to talk you out of this for selfish reasons only. I just don’t think they’ll treat you right in Ferrari. They’re a team that believes their own PR, that’s always a bad sign.”
Lewis shrugged, but a subtle tension had straightened his shoulders. “I know what I signed in on, they haven’t won anything since 2007, and well...they know they shouldn’t have won then either. They’re committed to making changes, because clearly what they’ve been doing hasn’t worked.”
Susie said nothing, but that sounded far too optimistic. The previous two times Ferrari had brought in multiple championship winners, with Alonso and Vettel, they seemed to have been operating under the impression that they weren’t winning because they didn’t have the right drivers. She hadn’t seen any indication that they had made any other significant changes, and perhaps third time was the charm, but she didn’t think they were going to start now.
“If you’ve made up your mind, I can’t do anything but wish you all the best.”
“Thank you,” he said, sounding oddly stiff.
“I still hope you’ll reconsider, as your friend, and as your lover’s wife.”
His chuckle turned into a giggle. “You’ll be the first to know if I do.”
She crossed the distance and hugged him. He returned the hug, embracing her across the shoulders. Susie always found it charming how proper he was whenever he touched her, another thing she appreciated about him. Toto might harbour no intentions of marrying George, but he had told Susie more than once, that he wished he could have married Lewis too. Not instead of her, but in addition to. Privately, she was always glad it was impossible, not because she was a jealous woman, but because she didn’t think anyone should get everything they wanted. She hadn’t. Some days the F1 career she could have had were she a man weighted heavier on her than others. Lewis too, had given up on love for however long racing was a priority. She wondered if Toto realized it, or if he had somehow deluded himself into thinking he was an exception. He would know for sure, now, that he wasn’t.
In some ways, she should have known this day would come when Jack called Lewis “uncle Lewis”, and Lewis kindly corrected him so that it would be just “Lewis” instead, years ago now. He was an uncle to all his nephews, nieces and godchildren, but he wouldn’t be to their son, because he wanted to make it easier for himself when he decided to leave.
Susie walked him to the door, and watched him put his coat back on, wondering when he would come to her house again. If he would have to be invited, each time, instead of just showing up, or arriving with Toto after the race weekend.
“Sorry, you made that tea for nothing,” he said, smirking a little. “It was really menacing, though. I felt proper intimidated.”
She punched him on the shoulder. “Shut it, maybe I would have dumped it all over your head, you don’t know that.”
He crossed the threshold and turned to wave at her, eyes crinkling with his smile. “See you around, Susie.”
“Yeah, see you. Take care.”
She closed the door slowly, giving Lewis time to change his mind and walk back inside, but he stayed where he was.