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Two a.m. is a bad time to be awake.
It’s a bad time to be awake when everyone else is, desperately closing his eyes as the whole world hollers to keep him from dozing.
But that’s nothing compared to this.
The ruckus inside his skull is quieter, sure. So are the cowards who never try anything but their worst, because that’s the only thing they can’t fail at. That doesn’t make them better.
Two a.m. is the worst time to have his eyes open.
Karamatsu stirs, and Ichimatsu’s gaze shifts to anything that isn’t his face. Right on time.
A yawn rises from Karamatsu, but when his voice comes out, it’s heavy with sleep. “Ichimatsu? Are you awake?”
…
Uh. Ichimatsu is less petrified than he thought he’d be.
The breath of the inky sky ruffles his hair as he sits down next to Karamatsu.
It’s just cool enough here on the roof, and there’s no way he’d say that out loud. He doesn’t want to risk Karamatsu blabbering about how he’s cooler.
Of course, thinking that is enough to make the Karamatsu inside his brain start blabbering about how he’s the coolest man alive, and now Ichimatsu’s head is full of glitter, and it’s going to take hours to clean up, and–
Ah… He’s definitely stalling.
He draws his knees closer to wrap his arms around them, hide his mouth.
The stars are nowhere to be seen in the middle of the city, but Karamatsu watches them anyway—until he turns to Ichimatsu, a soft smile on his face.
“Going to tell me I’m as dazzling as the starry sky?” Ichimatsu smirks, before Karamatsu can say something painfuller.
“Eh?” Karamatsu’s eyebrows furrow, rise up to his bangs, then grin. “I hadn’t thought of it yet, but if you are ready to accept it–”
“I’ll accept it any time you want, as long as it’s on a doomy, gloomy, starless night like that.”
“Heh. Just because we can’t see the stars doesn’t mean they’re not as radiant as ever–”
It’s like a slap to the face. No matter how many times it happens, Ichimatsu can’t seem to get used to it. “How are you like this?”
Karamatsu hums triumphantly. “Abundant hydration–”
“I’m asking you how you manage to be so blind.”
“... Blind?”
Case in point. “We’ve known each other our whole lives. There’s no way you can look at me for a second, and spout half of the stuff you say.” Dammit, this is why he should have pretended to be asleep—but it’s too late for regrets. Two a.m. rips the words from his mouth and leaves him breathless. “This isn’t a trashy romance novel. We’re gross guys who piss their pants at the idea of contributing anything to society, who can’t survive for two days when they’re separated from their brothers, and who don’t even have enough decency to be ashamed of it enough not to like each other. Blind doesn’t begin to cut it– you’re either so in denial a spaceship could crash into your head and you wouldn’t notice, or you’re lying through your teeth. So? Which is it?”
“... Neither?”
Ichimatsu snorts. Then his chest heaves, just once, and falls. “Whatever. The result is the same, anyway.”
“I really do mean it! Ichimatsu! Do our hearts not shine with the harmony of trust–”
“Denial, then.” Ichimatsu nods, like a doctor diagnosing a terminally ill patient. Karamatsu opens his mouth to protest, but Ichimatsu just sighs patiently. “Right… That was to be expected. Only the most carefully oblivious could spend all this time around me without ever getting mad.”
“... Huh?” His partner blinks, like Ichimatsu just spoke Malay. Huh? “No, you definitely annoy me sometimes.”
“... Hey.”
“And I do notice when you work yourself into a lather about the most harmless things–”
“Hey, hey–”
“–or start whining like a spoiled toddler.”
“HEY?!”
Part of him wants to lash out, and the bigger part of him is all too aware that the prime reason he holds back is that it’s exactly what a spoiled toddler would do—and he’s way too proud to prove Karamatsu right.
But if he doesn’t throw a tantrum… It leaves his mind free to…
His heart drops into his stomach with a sickening splash, spattering a bitter taste all the way to his mouth.
He’s always known it, hasn’t he?
That Karamatsu never loved any part of Ichimatsu but the dumbass, desperate side that worships him like a god and a cute cat wrapped together with a gaudy belt of gaudier charisma.
If Ichimatsu never once doubted that, why does it hurt?
… Right. He didn’t walk up to this roof in the middle of the night to hear the truth. He did it because he wanted Karamatsu to miraculously turn his lies into truths.
“I’m impressed,” he dribbles pathetically. “Never thought you’d have the guts to come out and say you hate me.”
That retort is meant to end with something along the lines of “Like I care” and “I guess even a painful idiot like you can tell, huh?” and something about how Ichimatsu doesn’t like him either, it’s why he spat out the first part of that speech, he has to say it—he doesn’t. He pushes and pushes and he can’t say it, not even when his eyes burn and he thinks he’ll catch fire, or break down, or–
“What?”
Karamatsu’s singular, baffled word jolts Ichimatsu, enough to make him notice the utter confusion on his boyfriend’s face.
“When did I– why would I say I hate you?”
“You–” is he trying to drive Ichimatsu crazy? No, he’s not. He may do it by accident eight days a week, but he’s never once tried to. Not that Ichimatsu knows, at least. “Because I’m a whiny toddler with stupid fears, who keeps pissing you off?”
“I never said it happened often! And, I was saying…” He pauses dramatically, and poses even more dramatically, sending Ichimatsu a wink with a finger gun, or vice versa. “Even when I think you’re annoying, I love you.”
READ THE ROOM?!
What is wrong with him? Wrecking Ichimatsu’s heart only to build it back up a million times gladder, while putting on airs like a self-absorbed teenager?
Ugh…
He understands what Karamatsu means. So well.
He loves that egotistic, maddening imbecile.
The imbecile’s eyes soften, and he draws Ichimasu into his arms. “Besides, I also notice when you try.”
Ouch.
“Do you, now?”
“Heh. Of course, my cheri. How could I not notice your kindness, when it glimmers with such shimmery radiance?”
He’s so cruel. Praising Ichimatsu like that… Believing in him, so Ichimatsu has no choice but to prove him right.
He’s the worst.
He makes kindness so stupidly tempting.
“I told you you were wrong about me.” Ichimatsu sighs. “... You’re annoying too.”
He cups Karamatsu’s surprised face between tender hands, and presses a kiss to the corner of his lips.
If anything glimmers with a shimmery radiance, it’s the smile that blooms upon them.