Chapter Text
Ponyboy was tired. Really damn tired. 4 months had flown by since Johnny and Dally’s passing. He tried reading, running, doing all the things he used to love. But he was just so drained. Nothing made him happy anymore. He only vented in his notebook to “cope”, but in reality, it only made him feel worse about his life.
January 10th, 1966,
I miss Johnny like hell, man. Every day that goes by with his absence makes me only yearn for him more.
I think the gang’s really scared for me. I see the way they look at me. It’s like I’m a monster. Well, I am. It’s all my fault Johnny and Dallas are dead. If I wasn’t a fucking wimp and just reasoned with Darry, if I hadn’t ran into that damn church, they’d still be alive. I’d be happy. But, I really don’t wanna worry them. I’m nothing to worry about.
I deserve it all. I deserve to be alone. I don’t deserve Johnny. Maybe that’s why the universe took him from me. He was too damn good for his shitty life. Too good for me.
Darry caught me the other day cutting myself in my room. He started crying, which kinda triggered something in me. He begged me to stop, and I told him I would. Biggest lie ever. It’s not like I’m dead, I’m just giving myself what I deserve.
Honestly, I really am considering leaving this world. Seeing Darry cry makes me think again, though. Maybe I’ll just stay a bit longer.
January 16th, 1966,
I really, really, can’t do this shit no more. Every day I struggle to survive. Just like Dallas did, I lost all will to live after losing Johnny. I should have just died that day. It should have been me. The world wouldn’t mind losing me. Johnny and Dallas had so much to live for. Johnny was supposed to get out of that wretched house and get a good education. He’d go on to get a nice career, and find someone he loved. Dal would realize that there was still good in the world.
I reread Johnny’s letter all the time. It’s all crumpled from my dried tears. I don’t really cry anymore, though. I’m all numb. I don’t feel anything in my heart, but my mind is filled with Johnny.
I think I love Johnny. It’s disgusting. I’m just a stupid queer. Another reason I should end it all. The world doesn’t deserve to be infested with disgusting people like me.
February 7th, 1966,
I think I’ve convinced the gang I’m better now. Guess I’m a great actor. We’re back to joking and smiling all the time, but it just feels ingenuine. It won’t ever be the same without them, huh?
I’m not even motivated to write anymore. I’m just going through every day in a blur. I feel bad for Darry, honestly. He did so much for me, and I put it all to waste. I think I’ll just grow old here in Tulsa all depressed if I don’t kill myself first.
March 1st, 1966,
It’s Johnny’s birthday today. I think the best birthday gift would be for us to be reunited once more. I talked with Steve the other day. I’ve never liked him, but he lets me open up. I don’t know how I can talk about this shit to him, but I do. He told me that Johnny really did like me. I was his best friend in the world. If that’s true, maybe he will love to see me.
We’re going down to his grave soon. I’ll write some letters to the gang in a bit. I have a knife here somewhere, that should work. Then I’ll finally be with my one and only love. Until then, I’ll just try to survive the day.
Dear Soda,
I know you don’t like reading much, but I’m sure Darry can help with that. I’m so sorry for leaving you. I’m sure you’ll manage without me, though. You’ve got Steve and Two and Darry. Thank you for sticking with me my entire life. You were there when no one else was. But I’m done with life now. Nothing could help me except for ending it. Take care of everyone for me. I love you, Soda. And I think I love Johnny, too. The same way you like girls, though. I’m in love with him, and I just wanna be with him for eternity. I guess I can do that when I’m gone. I gotta stop now before I start sobbing. Thank you for everything, Pepsi. Have a great life, and I'll see you when your time comes.
All my love,
Ponyboy M.C.
Darry,
I’m sorry. I was always such a burden to you. I was the reason you gave up the hugest opportunities. But maybe, now that I’ll be gone, you can fulfill your dreams. Go. Become some professional football player. Spend that money to get a nice, stable life for you and the gang. You’ll be happier without me.
I’m sorry I ever ran away. If it weren’t for me, you’d be happier. Johnny and Dallas would still be here. It’s time I leave, which is obviously why I’m writing this. I love you, Darry. I know you always had great intentions with me. I’m sorry I don’t say it often.
You don’t have to worry about me, Superman. I’m better off now. Thank you. For absolutely everything. Go have the great life you deserve.
All my love,
Ponyboy M.C.
Steve,
I used to hate your guts, you know? Not anymore, obviously. You’re an amazing person, Stevie. Really. You’ve always been there for Soda, and looking back, you were there for me too. I really appreciate that.
I’ve paid more attention recently, and (sorry if I’m wrong) I think you and Soda have got something going on. Wanna know a secret? I have something with Johnny. I used to think it was bad to be queer. But you proved me wrong. Now, I’ll be happier. I’ll be up there with my one and only love. Take care of everyone for me, okay? Thank you for everything.
All my love,
Ponyboy M.C.
Two-Bit,
I really will miss you, Two. You’re a great guy. Your jokes never failed to cheer me up. But I’m afraid this life is too much for me, even with you in it. Y’all will be better off without me. Never lose your spark, okay? Outside of your jokes, I could see how pure and genuine your soul is. I hope you have the amazing future you deserve. Keep it up, okay?
All my love,
Ponyboy M.C.
Dallas,
Wow. I’d never thought I’d miss you this much, Dal. I’ve always dismissed you as some arrogant, selfish person who just so happens to be a mutual friend of mine. But you are so much more than that. You were one of the most selfless people in my life. When Johnny and I were in the church, he called you gallant, like the southern men in Gone With the Wind. I disagreed, and said Soda was more like them. Now, I see what he meant. You’re the reason Johnny didn’t have to suffer in jail. You risked your life for others. That’s the most gallant thing I’ve ever heard, if you ask me. I know you won't understand, though.
I hope you and Johnny are doing well up there. See, down here, I’ve realized that I really like Johnny. Like a crush. I can’t stand being without you two anymore, so I’m leaving this world. Well, I’ll see you soon, Dal. Thank you for everything.
All my love,
Ponyboy M.C.
My dearest, Johnny,
I love you so much, Johnny Cade. I cannot stand being apart. I’ve had so much time to reflect, and in this time, I realized that you’re the only one for me. You were the best person in my life. You were my reason for living, and I can’t handle this. Being without you. We’ll be reunited soon, my love. Thank you for all you did for me. You died for me. I cannot repay you in any way but dying for you, too. See you very soon, Cakes.
All my love,
Ponyboy M.C.
Then, it was time. He came back from Johnny’s grave, and went into the bathroom, grabbing the knife from under his bed on the way there. Pony sat on the ground, staring at the shiny blade. I’m doing this for you, Johnny. See you shortly. Then, he pointed the blade towards his stomach, and stabbed himself. Right before he passed out, bleeding all over the ground, Darry walked in.
“Pony? You oka-” He paused, tears welling up in his eyes. “SODA!” His brother ran, and screamed at the sight of the youngest boy on the ground.
“Pony…”
“Soda, we gotta get him to the hospital,” Darry said between sobs. Soda nodded, and picked him up. They rushed to the ER and reluctantly left their injured brother.
“Oh, Soda. What did I do to make him-”
“No. Darry, stop. It’s not your fault. Listen, he’s been out of it since Johnny died. It’s not anyone’s fault at all, don’t say that. He’s gonna be okay.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Soda.” Despite his brother’s words, Darry couldn’t forgive himself. If he hadn’t hit his youngest brother that day, if he just talked it out with him, none of this would have happened, he thought.
The next morning, he decided to search for clues as to why Pony truly did this. Darry headed for his brothers’ room. On Pony’s side of the bed, he found letters. 6 of them, each labeled with a name, “Sodapop”, “Steve”, “Two”, “Johnny”, “Dallas”, and finally, “Darry”. He grabbed the last one which had his name written on it, and opened it, his hands shaking.
Tear marks, Darry noted. His heart dropped and hands shook as his teary eyes drifted through the page, processing his brother’s meaningful, melancholic words. He read the letter over and over, hoping things would change. Hoping, praying, that Pony would live, and he could help him get better. That somehow, both him and Johnny would come back, and everyone would be somewhat happy like before. Then, the phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Is this Darrel Curtis?”
“Yes, is my brother okay?” He asked desperately.
“He just woke up. You and your brother can make your way over now.” Darry hung up the phone, not even bothering to say “goodbye” or “thank you”. He gave Soda a look, and the two rushed to the hospital.
“Pony,” Soda whispered, and the brothers ran towards the youngest who laid down on the hospital bed with tears rushing down his face.
“Oh, Pony. Why…”
“Darry… I’m sorry,”
“No, no. I’m sorry we weren’t there for you when you needed us. But we’re here now, Pony. You’re gonna be okay…”
Eventually, Pony got out of the hospital and recovered, physically and mentally. He realized that he had the gang to live for, and had so much potential to live a good life. Yes, he could miss his love, but he had to live his life. Johnny would prefer it that way.
The gang never read their letters, except for Darry. Pony kept the rest.
When he woke up one year later, a sense of irrevocable sadness rose upon him. No matter how excited he was to visit Johnny and celebrate with him, he couldn’t shake off the thought of what had happened the previous year. He still wanted to be with him. Though he recovered, he still thought that the world would be better off without such a burden like him.
9:32 PM. The same time he attempted exactly one year ago. What if I try one more time, he thought. Once more to see you, my love.
He grabbed the knife that was still kept under his bed, and went to the bathroom with the letters set out on his bed, just like last time. He downed an excessive amount of pills he found in the cabinet, and stabbed himself. One. Last. Time.
Just then, Darry walked into his brothers’ room, with a question for his brother.
“Hey, Pony?” His heart dropped as he saw it. The letters, just like last time.
“No…” It can’t be, Darry shook his head. Not again, I thought he was better now…
He called Soda over, and they rushed to the bathroom door. No… There he was. All pale and bloody. Soda ran to dial the police, and Darry was leaning over his youngest brother, begging silently, Please, not him. Not him and our parents and Johnny and Dallas. Please…
Hours went by in a blur, as Darry and the gang waited to hear about Pony. Finally, the phone rang, and Darry picked it up desperately.
“Hello?”
“Darrel?”
“Yeah, it’s me. How’s my brother? Is he okay? Will he live?”
“Listen, I’m really sorry for your loss-” Darry hung up immediately without another word.
“Is something wrong?” Soda asked. There was a long pause, and Darry began feeling dizzy. No, no way this is true. He can’t be…
“Pony… He’s dead…”
“Oh, Darry…” The next months after this were a mess. What was left of the gang felt worse than ever, having lost 3 of their closest friends. Two didn’t joke anymore, Steve no longer cared about being “tuff,” not even cars could make Soda happy, and Darry never forgave himself.
Pony’s last 7 minutes were the best moments in his life. From casual hangouts with the gang, to his final moments with Johnny. He saw that moment at Windrixville, when he watched the sunset with his love and recited that poem. He saw him and his family eating and playing. He saw Two attempting to teach him to shoplift, before Darry scolded him. He saw him, Johnny, and Dallas roaming around Tulsa, messing around at restaurants. Then, it was all interrupted b a blinding flash of white. His eyes adjusted, and there he was. Johnny Cade.