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Zane had been told a few times that he was “self-sacrificial.”
Now, as far as he was concerned, everyone on the team had the tendency to put the wellbeing of others over their own. Zane just had the reasonable justification that he could be rebuilt, while the others.. could not.
He rarely gave much thought when putting himself at risk was vital to a mission. He had been told many a time to “not scare them like that.”
He didn’t understand the fuss. He was fully capable of assessing the best solution to a problem and he had always returned to them before, even if it had taken time.
Now, he feared, he understood all too well.
Moving on after the passing of his father had been difficult. But not insurmountable.
He had spent much of his time meditating. He and Master Wu spent many hours discussing what happens to people when they depart. He and Falcon found comfort in each other, living on in his memory.
At first, he felt... he hoped that recovering from Nya’s departure would be much the same.
He was wrong.
Jay had grown far less talkative. The spark in his eyes had vanished.
Kai’s flame grew dull for a while, then burst back to life with more violence than anyone, even Kai, knew how to handle.
Cole was keeping it together decently well, but it was clear he was frustrated with how quickly they were drifting apart.
And Lloyd? Lloyd was something Zane hadn’t truly recalled seeing from him before. At least, not to this extent.
Lloyd was bitter. Bitter and exhausted.
He had snapped upon hearing “ninja never quit” when leaving his gi in his room.
“Then I guess I can’t be a ninja anymore.”
No one had seen Jay tinker since Nya’s sacrifice. They’d find him sitting, silently, gazing out at the sea.
Zane had expected a long-winded explanation when he started packing his bags.
Instead what he got was simply, “I need to be closer to her.”
Kai had been on the training course a lot. He did some meditation exercises with Master Wu, and that seemed to alleviate some of it…
But his defensive nature had turned almost to paranoia.
“What if we can’t be everywhere at once? I’m not gonna just sit around and let this happen to anyone else. They need to know what to do.”
Which left Cole, Zane, and Pixal.
Cole wasn’t always home. One of the first things he had done was go to climb a mountain. He said that the last time he had done that, he found something he really needed, so why not try it again?
Even after, he had spent a fair amount of time traveling, meeting up with friends. It certainly seemed to serve him better than the others’ methods.
And yet, Zane never felt like he was ready to join him.
He had wanted to talk with Master Wu about it. He had helped him the last time he dealt with grief and he always had great wisdom to provide.
When Zane had first gone to start that discussion, he had found Wu passed out over a table, surrounded by scrolls. He had helped him into bed, but it quickly became clear that this was not a one-time incident.
Zane couldn’t recall the last time Wu wasn’t searching every last document he could find.
Which meant, for the most part, he and Pixal were on their own.
They were doing what they could to keep the team’s vehicles maintained. To prevent them from falling into disrepair, in case they were needed again.
Though, statistically speaking, considering Ninjago’s history, it was far more a case of “when they were needed” rather than a case of “if.”
There was always work to be done. There was always something to help with. Something to maintain, something to construct, something to assist with.
But Zane found himself struggling to make progress.
Any time there was something Nya had used. Any mission at a place they had spent time. Any view he got of the sea. The same lines of code ran over and over in his head. The same statement, impressed upon countless pieces of data and memory.
“I miss you.”
That statement seemed to be processing in his every waking moment.
He would find himself suddenly hesitating when helping complete something, his ability to process vital information suddenly crippled by that loop.
I miss you.
His systems would strain to begin running in the morning. His energy seemed to deplete faster than usual. He never felt as charged as he once had been.
He started finding parts of his body frozen to his bed in the morning. It felt harder to pull himself up. It felt far too easy to simply stay in place and never move.
I miss you.
He couldn’t help but think back to what remnants of recollection remained from his time as the Ice Emperor. He knew there were significant, notable events he took part of. But the overwhelming majority of it felt… stagnant.
That stagnation was calling to him once again.
He refused to let himself fall into it. Those 60 years were a terrifying signifier that he could lose his humanity if he wasn’t careful. He didn’t want to become that again. So he couldn’t stay stagnant.
But it… hurt. Every day, it hurt. With every loop of that same statement, running through his mind at even the slightest reminder, it hurt.
And it refused to stop.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
He couldn’t help but wonder… was this what he had put everyone through? Was this how much it hurt?
When does it stop?
… Does it stop?
He couldn’t get anything done. He was struggling to help, struggling to assist, struggling to protect. He could not think clearly.
He was beginning to feel useless, frankly. He was meant to protect those who cannot protect themselves. He had failed to do so with Nya. And now, he was struggling to do so for others. Who was he if he couldn’t protect? If he didn’t have his friends? If he couldn’t help?
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
If he could just clear his mind for a few minutes..
If he could stop this agonizing loop..
If he could just stop the pain for even just a moment…
Most people could not do such a thing. Humans did not have such direct access to the functions that controlled their emotions. He knew this full well, and yet…
Setting timer for 5 minutes.
It would be temporary. He had to keep it temporary, lest he lose himself.
But he could not resist the temptation to try.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Just. 5. Minutes.
He opened the latch near his heart.
Starting timer now.
I miss you.
Click.