Chapter Text
Before she can even open her eyes, she feels it first. The harsh light coming from seemingly nowhere. And the buzzing in her neck, she hadn’t been able to get comfortable again. Sleepless nights weren’t unheard of for her, but they were becoming increasingly familiar. She rolls over, trying to grasp some sense of consciousness.
The comforter and duvet are scratchy and heavy, giving her the motivation to get out from underneath them. The second she sits up she’s hit with vertigo. The digital blood rushing to her brain causing black spots to grow in her vision.
Pomni groans, a low angry sound. Her headaches are getting worse. she doesn’t know why, well she does, she just really, really doesn’t want to think about it.
“it” being the person across the hall.
She rubs at her face trying to make the dizziness subside. When she finally takes in her surroundings, it’s a bit sobering. Her room is a disaster, absolutely wrecked. Mirror shattered on the floor, alphabet blocks strewn around the room. Dents in the wall, presumably from the heavier objects she had thrown at it.
Ponni isn’t an angry person, she doesn’t think so at least. She might get annoyed from time to time, but never really had the energy to voice it. But the thing she refuses to think about pulls something out of her, a helpless bottomless rage. Anger so heavy it makes her hands shake. It feels like glass in her lungs, a constant pain in her head. Sleepless nights.
She regrets making such a mess, but a part of her knows Caine is going to reset it anyway.
Stupid digital mess. Stupid digital problems, stupid digital hell.
She knows at some point she’s going to have to get up and face the others, after no doubt hearing her smash everything in her vicinity, firsthand through the wall. It’s embarrassing but, at this moment, with a headache that could put down a horse, and glass all over the floor, she doesn’t have the energy to care.
The light assaults her when she appears from behind the curtain, sharp and bright and way too much for her right now. She can hear the others at the breakfast table, just chatting. She sees gangle, picking at her food, mostly invested in her sketchbook. Kinger is idly ranting about… something.
The words don’t quite hit her ears, and she doesn’t think it would make sense anyway. And then, ragatha. Sitting just a way away, holding up a hand in a polite wave. A small smile on her face.
Pomni and she had talked it out when the award show ended. They cleared the air, and ragatha apologized to her for coming across so... well, insincere. It had been good for the both of them. but Pomni hadn’t told her about what happened during the gun fight, before the awards show. If she was being honest she didn’t want too. It was between her and- him.
Pomni bristled but put one foot in front of the other. Taking her usual spot next to gangle and an empty seat.
If she could just assault the chair.
“how’d you sleep Pomni?” ragathas voice was sugary, but it was different, less maternal, less fake. It sounded like her. the real her. It pulled Pomni from her never-ending spiral.
“Uh, good.” Pomni picked up her fork, staring down at the plate loaded with what looked like food.
She wasn’t even hungry.
“that’s good then! You know you need rest if we want to put up with Caines wacky adventures...” she exhaled the last part, like just thinking of the act made her tired.
Pomni stared down at her food again, it reminded her of a copycat, like it was trying to be something it wasn’t. a fake, a poorly replicated excuse.
Why did everything have to try so hard to trick her? Into believing what? That any of this was real? What was the point.
She got mad all over again. Great, now make-believe food was pissing her off. She realized she hadn’t responded to ragatha when the table went stagnant. “I- I think I’m gonna go take a walk” the chair screeched against the tiled floor, making Pomni’s head light with ache. ragatha looked worried.
“Pomni, are you feeling alright? Your face looks flushed.”
“I’ll be okay, promise.” Her legs felt like Jello, but they led her down the wide hallway, nonetheless. “Just need some air is all…” she raised a hand to wave them goodbye, but it fell as soon as she was out of sight.
Ragatha looked on, watching her go, brows creased in thought.
Zooble watched in turn, finally speaking. “We all heard her last night, right?”
Gangle nodded solemnly, turning her attention to the now empty seat.
Kinger came too, his eyes moving to the now empty chairs.
“Where are Jax and Pomni?”
Ragatha just sighed.
Pomni walked the halls, no single destination in mind. Anything to get the lump in her throat to go away. She rubbed at the cusps of her gloves, walking, exploring even, but her heart just wasn’t in it.
Her thoughts fell like hard rain in her head, each new thought another weight added to her ever-growing pile of bullshit. she pulled at her collar, her jester suit now suffocating.
She wonders if Caine accounted for digital sweat.
She wonders why she does what she does. Why she feels the need to insert herself where she doesn’t belong, where she obviously is not welcome. Where he doesn’t want her. The hall seemed to stretch on for miles, never ending, never finished. Another nudge to the fact none of this was real.
Her head was spinning but the halls were getting darker, the lights dimming and saturated colors subsiding, the hallway lining itself with identical red doors, each holding something objectively terrifying, but Pomni wasn’t paying any mind to those, instead opting for the room all the way at the end, always opened a crack, until she stepped inside, closing and locking the door.
Her breathing was getting faster, she couldn’t get herself to calm down, the world was still spinning in that awful way, her stomach churning and sweat coming down her forehead.
The wooden bat leaned against the wall, calling to her.
Let it out. Stop trying to shove it away, feel it. It was the last thing she wanted to do, the turmoil and emotions that had been slowly building inside of her, threatening to bubble over, hurt the wrong people.
All she could do was smoosh it into a tight ball, shoving it into a drawer in the back of her head, and trying her best to never think about it again.
Safe to say it hasn’t been working as well lately. Her hands were shaking, reaching for the bat, the wood heavy in her palm, but so right.
She doesn’t have to contain anything, no longer afraid of people hearing or finding her like this.
She lets loose, smashing and screaming until her throat is raw. She is angry and she knows it, filtering the anger through the bat, and into whatever object seemed to summon in her magical room of escape.
Sometimes its tables or chairs, and TVs were common, along with mirrors and other semi-breakable objects. Pomni was starting to prefer the older generation of box TVs. realizing they were harder to destroy; she could swing and swing, but the box always seemed to remain intact.
She liked how long they lasted, she could fully take out everything inside of her on a singular object, until it was reduced to just a flattened black piece of plastic. There was glass everywhere.
Her hands had blistered from the bat. But she didn’t really mind. It felt like a reminder, that even though she was stuck in this body, short and pale and nothing like how she wanted to be. She was still real, could still feel pain, even minutely.
It mattered to her. This place, everything it held and did, wasn’t real. But underneath that, she was still human. It took everything inside of her to remember and remind herself every day. She was real. She was a living breathing human being and she mattered, in some way shape or form she still mattered.
A thought flashes in her head, purple infiltrating her brain longer than she likes.
After the awards show, Pomni had watched Jax return through the portal, same smirk plastered on his face, this time hollow and pained. hands behind his head as he walked to his room, past her, like she didn’t exist. Like he wasn’t losing his mind. Like he hadn’t ripped her heart out and stomped on it.
He hadn’t left his room for dinner. And the others paid no mind. But his face was all Pomni could think about. The cruel smile etched across it. The way he had shoved her from him. In that moment she hadn’t thought about it, it had just felt so natural. To reach for his hand, to wrap her short arms around his torso. And for the split second she had been in his space, he was warm.
But She had seen the fear in his eyes.
She moved the plain cubes of supposed food along her plate, no longer able to suffocate the worry in her chest.
She excused herself from the table, walking down the hallway to their respective rooms, stopping in front of her door, only to reach for her handle and pause. Her fingers rested on the cold metal, but her head turned to the door behind her.
Her fist found the wood before she could think better of it, three subtle knocks ringing through the hall. She stood there for a moment, anxiety spreading as she rubbed at the cuffs of her gloves.
The door opened a crack before she could see his golden eyes meet hers. And then the door slammed.
“Go away.” came from the other side of the door. Gruff and low and warning. Pomnis legs wobbled but refused to take her anywhere. “no.” it wasn’t quiet, but it wasn’t loud either. Not even demanding. Just a fact. “Not until I know you’re ok.”
The door opened again, with more force as he stepped out into the hallway, slamming it shut behind him.
“What? are you worried about me now? What a joke.” He scoffed looking down at her with hate in his eyes.
A small smirk lining his face. “God Pomni I knew you were desperate but jeez.”
Her eyes widened at the implication.
He scoffed and sank down to her level, bending his knees to meet her eyes. She recoiled, the look in his eyes causing her to take a small step back, only reinforcing the look on his face.
“Why don’t you go back to your little friends and look for someone else to fix.”
He punctuated his sentence with a jab to her chest. Causing her to stumble back.
“I’m sure ragatha would be ecstatic to talk about how awful I am. But this,” he gestured between the two with his hand, “no more. You don’t get to worry about me. You don’t get to pretend were friends just so you can feel better about your failed little experiment.”
She tried to take in all he was saying, but she could feel the tears starting to stick her eyes, “I am not your pet to train. And I never will be.”
His words were venom in her veins. Her blood was running colder than she thought it could. “You mean nothing to me.”
She could feel the tears freely falling down her cheeks. But she couldn’t stop herself from letting them run. Taking step after step backwards to retract from his space. But he followed her in turn, like opposite magnets, pulling and pushing each other. Until her back was against the wall, and he had caged her in. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. The only thing she could do was stare into wide eyes, the gold almost fully gone as his pupils dilated drastically.
“Whatever it is you think you know, forget it.”
His voice was low, her heart pounding in her ears as he lowered his arms from the sides of her head. “I told you once and I’ll tell you again.”
“Stop trying.”
It only got worse after that. No more jabs, no more jokes. No more teasing. At least, Not to her. He didn’t look at her; he didn’t speak to her.
She simply did not exist in his world. And the others were starting to notice.
And boy did that piss Pomni off. Sure, she felt bad for attacking him, biting him… scratching him… but God would she do it all over again. Just to see that shocked expression on his face, some sort of anger. Anything. A real honest to God human emotion.
Something he refused to believe he still harbored.
He still sat next to her at breakfast. Pulling the same bullshit act, like she was invisible. And everyone noticed, she thinks most of them were too scared to say anything. He had asked gangle to toss him the salt and pepper during dinner.
At that gangle looked confused, wondering why he would ask her of all people, especially since Pomni was closer to it, she didn’t even think she would be able to reach it, “d-don’t you think you should ask Pomni?”
Jax just looked at her, a sour expression on his face.
“I don’t know who that is.”
It was so matter of fact. So unbelievably uncalled for.
Pomni shot up from her seat, and it took everything inside of her to keep from screaming.
From punching him in his stupid face. From reacting to anything. She stood there for a moment. He didn’t even look away from gangle. His face stuck in that stupid annoyed expression. Like he had any right to be annoyed.
Pomni grabbed the salt and pepper from Infront of her plate, turned and began walking to the bin where bubble dumped their food, and threw them away. promptly walking through the hall and back to her room.
The table sat quietly for a moment. Gangle’s comedy mask broke with an audible crack.
She hadn’t seen him since then.
Her hands burned from the tight grip she held on to the bat. The room was almost completely destroyed, she didn’t think she had the energy to keep going, the lack of sleep reaching her limbs.
She was back in her room, again. And it had been reset, saved a few things now missing. A few picture frames and most notably, her mirror. The tall full-length mirror that had once rested against her wall. now gone, leaving behind empty space. She had always covered it with a sheet anyway.
Maybe she wouldn’t feel so claustrophobic now.
There is nothing to do here but wait. Wait for Caines next hellish adventure, and she had been on the edge of her seat all day. Still no sign of the ring master.
Pomni decides she can’t handle the sickeningly sweet smell that infests her room. Her stomach hurts and the smell only makes it worse.
Pomni can’t be sure how long it’s been. Caine never called for them, and she hadn’t left her room since lunch. Opting to lay on her back and stare at her ceiling until she didn’t want to punch something. It took a minute with all the thoughts swarming her head. How much she hated him. How stupid he was. How bad it hurt.
Why did it have to hurt so badly?
Eventually, she finds herself on the grounds, its night now, the moon high in the sky. Stars shining down like spotlights. Strangely, it’s calming. A faint breeze and air that doesn’t smell like cheap fake candy and popcorn.
The way everything feels like a discount clone of the thing it’s supposed to be. It’s making everything harder. She remembers the star gazing adventure, sitting in the patch of grass looking up at the moon. It really was beautiful.
She didn’t realize it then but that was the first time Jax had voluntarily opened up to her.
Albeit only to question Gangles’ mental state, but real. Something that meant something. Not just some cheap rip off of who he really was.
Pomni was sat in the grass, a huff escaping her small throat.
She knows she’s not special. Just some unfortunate random to end up in a digital hellscape. She knew it didn’t mean anything to him, so then why was she so convinced otherwise?
Because she remembers the way he looked at her, the way he treated her like a person, like an adult. He could tell jokes; he could make her laugh. But there was more to him than that. He could be serious, take her seriously. Have honest to God conversation.
He opened up to her! He apologized to her! Not the other way around. So why did he have to act like it never happened? Like she was stupid enough to just go along with it, believe him. Kick him to the curb and stop trying. Yeah right.
She knew how he was, but she also knew how he could be. He was different with her than when they were with the others. It didn’t make sense to her. It didn’t make sense for him to open up to her, be kind. And then so harshly change his mind. Treat her like shit.
It wasn’t fair. But then again when was anything in this world fair.
She didn’t realize she had been tearing the grass out of the dirt in chunks, leaving an empty brown hole. She sighed. Laying down on the grass. Really looking at the night sky now, the way the stars flew across the sky, it was so dark, but the moon shone so brightly she could make out every detail in the ground.
“Hello my dear.”
“o-H my god! you scared me...”
The moon had come down above the clearing, close enough to touch.
“I apologize; it wasn’t my intention.” She hummed, her voice soft and velvety and... safe.
Pomni let go of a breath she didn’t know she had been holding, feeling her shoulders loosen.
“You seem to be in deep thought, what troubles your mind jester?”
The way a million things seemed to race through her head at just the bare question. Too many things to count if she was being honest. But one stood out entirely too much.
“The purple rabbit, he can be a character.”
Pomni’s eyes shot up, “h-how did you?”
The moon seemed to laugh at that. The bewildered look on Pomni’s face made her release a short huff. “I’m the moon jester, I see all, I hear all. I simply choose not to involve myself. That being said, I can sense your uneasiness.”
A sympathetic look crossed her face, well the half of her face. Pomni just looked at the ground, unsure of what to say. “He acts like I don’t exist.”
She sighed, “I don’t know what to do.”
The moon hummed, a small acknowledgment to the woes of the small clown.
“The bunny, he has been here a long time, seen many enter, and many depart. I remember him fondly, always the go getter.” She had a soft look on her face, almost far away. Before she turned back to Pomni.
“Grief may do many things to people. and that boy has experienced much of it, more than normal people should have to endure. But that doesn’t mean the way he behaves is excused.
Pomni watched and listened. She had known Jax had been here a long time, she wasn’t stupid. She heard ragatha, seen the crossed-out pictures on the doors. There was also a lot she didn’t know, but she had enough information to piece together a small story.
‘Whatever it is you think you know, forget it.’ His words echoed in her brain.
“If anyone could get through to that boy, it’s you jester.” The moon shone dimly on Pomni’s soft features. The light turning her white skin almost translucent.
She sighed, fingers reaching for the short grass, the knot in her chest was still there, heavy with betrayal and anger. But the more the moon spoke the more the knot began to loosen.
“If only he would let me anywhere near him.” A cold laugh came out of her throat. “He hates me, or he hates the fact that I care. Maybe both.”
The moon closed her eyes and nodded. “he’s scared.”
Pomni’s brow raised, the moon spoke softly,
“Sometimes it’s hard to tell a hand that wants to help apart from a hand that wants to hurt. At some point you stop trusting and start biting.”
Pomni looked down at her shoes, tears starting to well in her eyes.
“All he seems to do is bite. But that’s not all he is, I’ve seen it. I- “she stopped talking, unsure of what else she had to say. The moon just nodded, understanding gracing her pale face.
“How can I let him know that- I don’t want to hurt...?” Her fingers were pulling the blades of grass out of the ground, leaving them scattered around her.
“It takes time little one, the same time that has hardened him is the time it will take to soften, I can tell you care about him, right now the only thing you can do is have patience, stick around. Don’t let him off the hook.” She gave Pomni a small wink.
Pomni nodded. She had decided long ago she would not be crawling back to him, this was his mess to clean, and she would wait for him to pick up the pieces. And if- when he needed help, she would be there. But she wasn’t going to be the one to initiate it.
“Thank you, ms moon.” Pomni looked up at her. a small smile touching her face.
The moon nodded, slowly ascending back to her place in the sky.
At that moment a shooting star crossed the sky, and Pomni wished for honesty.
He hadn’t left his room in- well, for a while. He wasn’t good at keeping track in this place. His room kept dark at all times, waiting until it was quiet, to sneak to the kitchen if he was hungry, or just to walk around and stretch his legs when he got too anxious.
All he can see when he closes his eyes is her face. Her stupid sad face and those stupid big eyes. He just wants her to leave him alone, but even when she’s not here she finds a way to haunt him. He wants to scream.
Those stupid pinwheel eyes, that soak up every light and see way too much. See him.
His head hurts and he wants to go to sleep. But that just won’t come. At some point you get sick of staring at your wall, so he gets up to wonder.
The way his chest gets heavier when he sees her door does not go unnoticed.
The hallways are quiet tonight, and everyone seems to be in bed or asleep, lights dim, and doors closed. Safe from the onslaught of emotions he feels whenever he sees them. The anger, the guilt.
He wasn’t up to admitting to anything. But God did this hit him hard.
He’s angry, he knows that. Angry at all of them for- well, being them. Ragatha for making everything harder. For assuming stupid shit. For being so damn fake all the time.
Angry at Zooble, for egging him on, for playing a part and then only blaming him. The way they always expect a reaction, and once they get one it’s like they had no idea, that it’s his fault for being a dick, for bullying and harassing them and acting like they play no part.
Angry at Pomni. For trying too hard. For not minding her business. For not hating him like everyone else. For having those big annoying stupid eyes that seemed to see right through him, through every mask he wears and every act he puts on.
It’s irritating, having someone piece you apart just like that. Fuck that.
He’d worked too hard. But maybe it’s his fault he brought that stupid look to her face. Those big eyes that crumpled every wall he had built. Everything he’d tried to hide. It was like she’d just known. That the one look would ruin him. Ruin everything.
And he was angry at her. For leaving the way she did. For causing all of this.
Whatever.
The halls stretched long and wide, with an infinite amount of space, for an infinite amount of stewing.
His feet were starting to get cold from the tile. Maybe he should go back, go back to laying in his bed and staring at the empty wall and that stupid polaroid he couldn’t bring himself to destroy.
He didn’t need her. He didn’t need anyone. He had always been better off alone, so why did that have to change now? What? Just because of a stupid girl? A stupid girl, who looks at him, like he really is someone. A person. A human being.
Bullshit.
A noise in the distance, Jax’s ear flicks, once, twice. And then footsteps. Small tapping footsteps, and he would know that sound anywhere, God dammit.
He peeks from behind the walls corner, Pomni enters from the grounds outside, making the trek back to her room. What was she doing outside?
Like a coward, he ducks behind the corner wall. waiting for the bane of his existence to go back to her room. To leave him alone, to get out of his head. To just forget about him, stop trying, stop looking.
The steps are getting closer and Jax thinks he might be sweating. But then they stop.
And Jax stops breathing.
Is he caught? Does she know he’s here? How?
A sigh, from a little way down the hall. And the footsteps resume. He lets out a breath, thank God.
“Jax.”
He yelps, jumps in the air, his fur standing on end.
“Jesus Christ pom! you can’t just sneak up on people like that!”
The nickname slips out before he can think about it. Her eyes are big, and they look red and puffy. She had been crying. She’s so short standing in front of him, but he can’t help but feel small. Cornered.
“What are you doing out here?” her arms are crossed and her face, is she angry? Yeah, she’s angry.
“What do you care?” God you fucking idiot, stop talking. Jax might be sweating.
Her eyebrows furrow, “I don’t.” She says matter of factly. Her stance is strong, she looks pissed. “Were you watching me?” her voice is just a tad smaller, one eyebrow raised.
But her eyes are red and her hair is mused. She looks like she’s been through it.
He’s caught. Cornered. Nowhere to go, nothing to say.
“Me? spying? That’s rich coming from the one who can’t stop staring at me.”
He’s talking out of his ass, and he knows it.
She immediately notices. His stance, the way he tries to regain control of the situation. She’s too tired for this.
“I could see your ears poking over the wall.” she states, her voice is flat, tired. but she can see the embarrassment cross his face. Just for a second, hard to notice, but there. She’s got him way too figured out.
As soon as it looks like he has nothing to say, Pomni begins to turn away. It’s late and she’s tired, and she’s not going to be the one to bring it up. The ball is his court.
“Maybe you were the one following me around! Ever think of that? God Pomni it’s like your obsessed with me.”
She stops short. She’s not going to give him the reaction he’s looking for. She knows exactly what game he’s playing, and the world will end before she falls for this bullshit.
“Seriously?” her eyes are wide, and her voice is a little louder than it should be this time of night. She takes a step forward, entering Jax’s circle of space.
“What? You know I’m right! Why else would you be stalking me in the middle of the night?”
“I wasn’t- “she cuts herself off, her shoulders slouching as she releases a breath.
“Go ahead Pomni! I’m all ears.”
He’s panicked and he doesn’t know why he can’t just stop talking. It’s not that hard. So why does he feel the need to open his mouth? A part of him wants to scream at her. She’s just standing there looking at him with way too big eyes that see everything. He’s definitely sweating. A small sigh escapes her mouth as she gives him a once over.
“You look like shit.”
The comment catches him so off guard. He can’t come up with anything to say before she’s turning away, stalking back to her room.
“Goodnight Jax.”
Her voice is soft, and he can hear the rasp in her throat, he knows she was crying. but he can’t bring himself to do anything about it. It’s not his problem. But it’s his fault, isn’t it? It’s always his fault.
It’s not until he hears the faint click of the door that he drops his shoulders and releases the air in his chest.
What is wrong with him, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ repeatedly screaming in his head. God he’s so stupid.
Breakfast is weird the next morning. Jax is quieter than usual, the table falling into a soft lull of conversation, while he sat and poked at his pancakes. If you could even call them that.
Ragatha laughs next to him, but the sound is distant. He can feel the thoughts in his head weighing him down. This is so stupid.
Pomni hasn’t bothered to show, not that he cares. He doesn’t. but his foot taps at the floor with unease, anxiousness spreading from his chest to the rest of his body. His chair scrapes the floor, the loud noise pausing the conversation as Jax leaves the table without a word.
No one bothers to say anything, letting him go.
It’s only morning and he already feels like he’s losing his mind. Usually, he saves his existentialism until the afternoon. But today seems to be a little harder to get through.
The conversation from last night replays in his head, as he walks through the halls aimlessly, the way she looked at him, with disappointment. He had grown accustomed to ragathas stern expression but seeing it on Pomni’s face had hurt something deep down. He stops Infront of his room, turning to glance at Pomni’s door, her small frown and big eyes staring back at him. He scoffs, opening his door and stepping into the dark room.
He collapses onto his bed, blankets strewn in the middle to create a small nest. His pillow swallows his face as he sighs into the cotton. His head aches and he doesn’t know how much longer he can do this. Doesn’t know how much longer he can go without exploding.
His mind wonders and his face turns to the far wall, pinks and purples line the room, muted by the lack of light. He stares at the rainbows painted on the wall, he swears they’re mocking him. Laughing at how pathetic he is. Images of her face flood his mind. His head is throbbing, but he can’t bring himself to move.
The walls seem to constrict around him, squeezing all the air out of his body, he can’t breathe. He claws at his chest, air struggling to enter his lungs. He swears his throat is swelling, oxygen refusing to come.
He gasps in short breaths, fast and uncontrolled. The room around him is getting smaller, walls shrinking and moving closer, encaging him in the princess themed hell he calls his bedroom. God he really can’t breathe. The fact that they can’t die here returns to the forefront of his mind.
He wants to scream, kick, yell, anything, he swears the room is getting darker. He claws at his skin, nails digging into his chest. Begging for air to enter his body. Laughing resounds around him, voices of people he once knew, echoing around the room. He can feel his body giving out, sinking into the mattress below him, cotton mixing with flesh. He’s drowning.
The dark seems to swallow him, everything going quiet. He still isn’t breathing, but he’s not so scared anymore.
He imagines her hands, guiding him. The calm washes over him, water filling his lungs. He’s so heavy.
Jax shoots awake, grabbing at every inch of himself. Making sure he’s all there, nothing is missing. He’s still here. Still here. Still alive.
When he comes to, the ache is his bones is pronounced, like he’d run a damn marathon the day before. The clock by his head glowed red, the numbers reading 3:23.
He should go back to sleep, but he knows it’s not going to be possible. Not after that. And definitely not when he sees the small light from under his door, who would even be awake right now?
As he rises to his feet he sees it, the glow from under Pomni’s door reaching his. Except her door isn’t closed, as Jax steps out slowly from his room, he can see the way it had been left open, the soft light from her room illuminating the hallway around it.
Red and blue glow in the room. No one seemed to be home. He took a small step out into the hallway, looking both ways but finding no one.
His steps are slow and deliberate, because technically, he’s the one stalking Pomni now. And that won’t do. He should just go back to his room, go back to bed. Forget about her and everyone else. He knows that’s not an option for him. He sees her then, small and far away and it makes him want to turn tail and run.
But then she turns the corner, and Jax, ever curious, follows her. It’s a bad idea. He knows it. He shouldn’t be out here at all. But something inside of him is screaming to follow her. Everything inside of him is telling him he can’t go back to that room.
He's as quiet as he can be. She seems to walk forever, passing parts of the circus Jax had explored ages ago, but hadn’t bothered to touch since.
Turning slowly and surveying his surroundings. It’s a hallway of doors, some holding old backgrounds from past adventures, others stocked with random items, unicycles, water hoses, one room is just filled with old dolls.
He’s here enough to know these rooms, but the door at the end is cracked open, a soft light spilling from the gap.
Inside the room, is a pile of tv’s. stacked high to the ceiling, some strewn around the floor by themselves. The only thing they have in common is that all of them are utterly destroyed. Broken in from every direction. Glass shattered on the floor, pieces of plastic and metal anywhere you look. But no Pomni. She must not be here, he takes a step forward, opening the door a few inches and stepping inside.
It’s not very bright here, kind of hard to see but everything is still mostly visible. He aimlessly kicks a piece of plastic on the floor, when the door shuts behind him.
He whips around to find Pomni, standing in front of the door. Wooden bat in hand, looking furious.
Did she do all this? All the tv’s, boxes and flat screens, broken until basically unrecognizable. He let out a huff, basically cornered by an angry woman with a bat. He’d be lucky to get a word in before she started swinging.
Fortunately for him, she speaks first.
“Why are you following me.”
She says it as a statement, leaving him no room to convince her otherwise, sure he might have plausible deniability, but there’s no way she would believe it.
He honestly doesn’t have a real answer, he woke up and decided it was a great idea to antagonize the one person he had just told to leave him alone.
Really awesome. stellar plan on his part.
Her eyebrow is raised as she waits for him to speak, bat still in hand.
He could lie. Gaslight her and pretend she was in the wrong. Which would piss her off. And she still had a bat in her hand.
Her hat was off, and her hair fell messily in her face, she looked worn, tired, like she had been working out for hours, with all the tv’s scattered around him he guessed he wasn’t that far off.
She looked... good.
What.
“Jax.”
She snapped him from his head; he still hadn’t answered her. The truth being much too embarrassing. Like he had any room to be embarrassed after the shit he had pulled.
“I don’t know.”
She just sighed, Letting the bat fall to the ground next to her.
“can’t sleep.”
She was tired; he could tell. If he tried anything now, he didn’t think he’d be able to live with himself. He stood there; he probably looked like an idiot.
He couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eyes.
“I figured.” Her voice was so soft. Softer than he deserved. He didn’t understand how he could be so cruel, and yet she rewarded him with kindness, if not in the form of real kindness, but by just giving him space. Giving him time. She didn’t push the conversation, didn’t bury him in questions or accusations. He didn’t deserve her. Not her company or her conversation or the way she looked at him.
Jax didn’t say anything, just stood there, hands by his sides as he stared at the floor, the air was thick and all he wanted to do was run.
“Jax.” It was soft, like she was trying not to scare him away. She looked up at him, “what are we doing?” the question came out of her mouth, sounding more like a plea, her eyes looked sad, and tired. so tired.
Jax could only stare at her, watch her run her fingers over the fabric of her gloves. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, preventing him from saying anything important or relevant.
“I-...” he looked down at the floor. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
He could only stare at the carpet as the words fell from his mouth, he felt pathetic. It wasn’t even an answer to her question.
She sighed. A sad sound, a sound he hated.
“When you figure it out, we can talk.” He hated the sound of that, the idea of having an actual conversation about his feelings. Gag. He could feel his palms sweating, the prospect of ripping his heart out and giving it to Pomni on a silver platter made him shiver.
He knew it had to be done anyway. He just nodded, not letting his gaze leave the fibers of the dusty grey carpet. He could hear her shuffle, the door opening and closing. And then he was alone. He could feel the headache coming back tenfold.
He doesn’t come out of his room for breakfast. Or lunch. And now it’s evening and Pomni hasn’t seen him since last night’s whole debacle.
Her bed is a sanctuary for her spirals. She’s not afraid to admit she’s worried. She might be angry, but she still cares. Apparently too much. She can’t help but think of the other night. The way he had hidden from her. Like she would kill him if she had the chance.
Well, the thought had crossed her mind, once, twice. Every day. But Jax didn’t hide. He didn’t cower. At least not from her. Did he hate her that much? That her seeing him would inconvenience him that much?
The fact that the first words he had spoken to her in the last 4 days was a nag. A ploy at getting a reaction. A way to make her hate him more. She didn’t hate him. She wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.
It was also getting harder to keep her promise. She wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. She wasn’t going to confront him. If he wasn’t going to at least try. If all he had to say to her was bullshit. Well then maybe that was for the best.
She hated that thought though. She hated that he still wouldn’t try. And she hated that she knew he probably wasn’t going to. At least not without a little push.
She hated that he could act so carelessly with her, after not speaking to her for almost a week. She hated it. But she didn’t hate him. She couldn’t bring herself too.
She knew too much. Had seen too much. Had heard his laugh and she didn’t want to let that go. She’d seen him. Not that mask. Or that smirk. Or the anger. She saw him. Just a purple rabbit who was stuck in the same situation. But he was so much more than that.
She felt like she could talk to him, like having a normal conversation, about anything and everything, not just some unimportant small talk to fill the void that was now her life.
Everyone here treats her like a child, like she can’t make decisions for herself. Like she needs to be saved.
And he didn’t do that. He looked at her and talked to her like an equal in this fucked up digital hell and it felt good. It felt good to laugh at his stupid jokes and do dumb shit no one else knew about.
Just them.
And then she had to go and fuck it up.
She’s not sure who she blames more in the situation, herself for wishing for too much too soon, inevitably letting herself down, or him. For being the worst. The biggest jerk in the world. For basically telling her he wouldn’t care if she died. And then he had the nerve to take it back! To put on that dumb mask and make the whole situation a joke.
But she knew better. She saw the hurt in his eyes. The anger.
The fear.
He really wasn’t hard to read, his body language told her everything, and the emotions that swam in the gold of his eyes weren’t hard to find.
He thought he got better at hiding his feelings, when, in reality, people just stopped looking.
The thought makes her sad, and she realizes she’s been pulling at the loose thread on her pompom, and it has now come loose.
Great.
It’s about to fall off and unravel as she sits up, the warmth of her bed leaving her side.
She opens her dresser, it’s a deep mahogany and the little handles are shaped like alphabet blocks.
She scoffs at the entail.
the numerous jester outfits stare back at her. Itchy, tight and uncomfortable.
God, she hated it here.
She grabs a random one, throwing it haphazardly at her bed. She begins to unbutton the top button holding her collar together, before unzipping the rest and pulling it off her.
There are numerous stains on the shorts and tears and loose strings all over the item of clothing. Obviously, it has been worn, and it was time for a new one. She looks it over, noticing all the small holes and rips, announcing it really was time for a change of clothes.
When she first got here, she didn’t understand the need for multiple pairs of the same clothes, but now that she knows, even if Caine resets them, the clothes acquire memory of their adventures and become tattered because of it, She’s grateful for the weird wardrobe.
Even if she wishes it wasn’t just the same damn jester costume.
“God, I just want some normal clothes!” a groan escapes her throat as she pulls the shorts over her hips.
A ‘POP’ resonates through her room, she looks around, nothing having drastically changed.
A little weird, she reaches over for the top drawer, filled with old off-white underwear, and matching bralettes. The same ones she had appeared in the circus with.
Instead, when she opens the drawer, she finds something she didn’t think existed here.
She begins to pull out pairs of underwear and bras. Some red, some blue, some white, all dawned with lace and small bows.
She wonders if Caine designed these himself. The thought makes her want to gag, but new undergarments aren’t taken for granted, as she glances down at the ratty white simple bra, and the matching underwear.
Not that they’re dirty, just old. And a new change is welcome. She keeps pulling clothes out, her mood changing by the second. Was that seriously all she had to do?
The second drawer is filled with pajamas, real goddamn pajamas. A plain big white t shirt, well a few t-shirts, she notices, All in different colors. Some pajama pants and shorts.
She pulls open the third drawer, And then, oh.
Maybe it’s the all too familiar purple that catches her eye first, or maybe it’s the absurd amount of lace connected to it.
her stomach flips as she pulls the lingerie from the bottom drawer. Mixed emotions crowd her head.
She had never really been interested in stuff like this before the circus, not that she remembers.
It’s cute, not something she would put on for nothing, that’s for sure.
But then there’s the purple. and the corresponding underwear, and the small fuzzy purple ball attached to the back.
A tail.
She drops them immediately and shoves them deep back into the drawer, never to be seen again.
“What the f$#k?”
What the fuck. Did Caine make these? Weirdo! She knew he was crazy; she just didn’t expect him to be a depraved freak.
She picked up the white T-shirt and black pajama pants, closing the drawers. She peered down at the new set of underwear in her hand, trying to entirely erase her mind of what she found in the drawer.
Pomni, in her months of living at the circus, had never expected to be anatomically correct.
Sure, in the real world it was obvious how it should feel and look. But here, even if it was something that had followed her, it was still hard to get used to.
It took her a while to even figure out what her body looked like, under all the jargon and bright colors. Given she was never the one changing her clothes. Caine always did it for her. The thought makes her shiver.
Slipping off her underwear, she looks at herself, really looks. Her thighs are pale, dotted with small moles and scratches from adventures. She’s never really taken the time to examine her body, she’s relatively hairless, which she expected but it still freaks her out. And in between her legs is something she has still yet to grow accustomed to.
But she looks down anyway, taking the bra off to stare down at her chest.
They were small, nothing new, she assumes at least. Her memory is hazy, but the small buds don’t feel unfamiliar.
A knock at the door.
Five knocks, in a sing song timing.
Nononononono.
She doesn’t answer, if she stays quiet maybe he’ll go away. Why would he of all people be at her door, seeking her out? What kind of sick joke? And he picks the moment she’s entirely nude? Seriously? Her breathing stops as she stands there, waiting for the receding footsteps.
Except it never comes. Instead, there is a key in the lock of the door, and then the sound of metal on metal.
Oh my god he’s breaking into her room. She rushes to pull any piece of clothing on, before she exposes herself to anyone. Grabbing the white t shirt and stuffing herself inside of it. She’s about to fall on the floor when the door comes open.
Everybody sits quietly in the common area, Zooble reading a short magazine, with gangle beside them, trying to sketch the doll across from her, playing crazy 8s with kinger.
He seems to be winning, although ragathas not sure how. Zooble has the sneaking suspicion he’s been eating the cards.
It’s quiet, really. Almost too quiet. Gangle takes the moment to look around,
“Have you guys seen Pomni today?” she taps her pencil against the booklet in thought, Zooble just shrugs. “she’s probably still cramped up in her room, this whole Jax thing is really messing with her.”
“Jax.” Ragatha says the name with little intrigue. She sets her cards down and turns to the group. “I’m starting to get worried, about… them.”
Ragatha rubs her hands together, a nervous habit, before she goes on. “I don’t know what’s going on with them, not really, at least. But I have my suspicions”. Zooble just watches her, kinger taking random cards and shoving them under his pillow. “I just- we all know how he is and, well, she doesn’t. I just don’t want- “she cuts off, her eyes moving to the floor. “I don’t want it to happen again. And I don’t want him to hurt her.”
Zooble set the magazine down, hands resting on the sofa arm.
“She is an adult, rags. We got to have some faith in her, but it is odd, the way they were always together one minute and then the next- “
“He won’t even look at her…” gangle finished.
Zooble nodded, and ragatha just looked downright sick.
“Maybe we should force them to talk to each other.” Kinger is still moving cards around as he says this.
“And how would we do that?” gangle looks intrigued.
Kinger continues to grab random cards and shove them into the sofa cushions.
“Do what now?”
Jax is losing his mind. His room is getting smaller by the minute, and he doesn’t know what to do. Breathing is not easy and thinking straight isn’t any better. He needs to get out.
Gathering every ounce of reason and strength, he opens his door to trek to the kitchen. Just some coffee and maybe walk around a little bit. He just needs his legs to stop shaking and this headache to go away. Then he’ll be fine.
He can hear the conversation from down the hall, they’re in the common area, nutso and raggy are playing cards, and cry baby is drawing again. Probably some freaky anime shit. Whatever. Best not to engage.
He walks past them when he hears his name.
“Hey Jax! Would you uh- would you come here for a second?” It’s ragatha, of course it is. He can’t control the glare on his face even if he wanted to, but treks toward the couch nonetheless. “What.”
It’s less of a question, more of a ‘what do you want so I can leave’,
ragatha looks kind of scared, but more so focused on the hallway.
“Pomni missed breakfast and lunch today, we’ve been kind of busy, do you think you could bring her that plate? We don’t want her to starve.”
Jax is so confused on so many levels he doesn’t even say anything. He just stares at her.
“You want- me… to do you a favor?” he sounds almost awestruck.
Ragatha just looks at him. Grin dropping before she even says anything. “no. I want you to do Pomni a favor.” She says in that honey maternal tone that Jax just hates.
“Yeah, no. I’m not doing that.” His arms are crossed as he starts to walk away. ragatha is just sitting there looking at him.
He wants to laugh in her face so badly, until Zooble decides to speak up,
“You know, me and Caine were having a conversation, about outfits. He said he’s been meaning to try different things out, maybe reuse some old ones? What do you think of that?”
He doesn’t understand what they’re trying to get at, gangle starts giggling.
“What? What did you do?” his tone is sharp and nervous; he’s starting to get pissed.
“Oh nothing.” Zooble turns the page of the magazine. “Just told him how much you enjoyed that maid dress.”
Oh, he’s fuming now. “You what.”
“Oh, don’t worry, nothing final, unless you don’t want to take that plate to Pomni.” They say it so nonchalantly, like blackmail is funny to them.
This is so stupid.
He’s walking down the hall with this stupid plate, full of stupid food, to give to a stupid girl that he doesn’t even want to talk to. Stupid.
They’re all stupid.
He gets to her door and knocks, five times, a secret password of sorts. It doesn’t look like the lights are on. No answer. He stands there for a second listening. He could just leave it on the floor. Forget about it.
And then he thinks of zoobles annoying voice. That stupid dress. Fuck this.
He’ll just set it in her room, pretend they talked. Appease the masses.
He pulls the key ring from his pocket and looks for Pomni’s. Sticking it into the lock and turning.
It’s not until he pushes the door open that he hears shuffling.
The plate is out of his hands and on the floor in an instant. Digital potatoes, meat and vegetables scatter on the floor. The plate shatters. And Jax does not move.
Infront of him is Pomni, in a see-through white t shirt, paired with bright red underwear.
And Jax can see everything. Way more than he needs too. The rate at which his face heats up is that of a rocket getting ready to launch, the flush starts at his ears and reaches places he doesn’t want to think about.
Pomni is standing there. Staring. And they stand there for a second staring at each other.
until Pomni screams.
Jax is down the hall before he can remember what he even left his room for in the first place. Hands in fists at his side as he tries to erase everything he just saw from his mind.
Basically, power walking through the circus, until he’s outside. Safe. Away from everyone and everything and whatever the fuck that was.
Zooble watches him race out of the tent. Gangle just shrugs.
And then Pomni appears. Face redder than a chili pepper, also almost sprinting in the general direction he went in.
Uh oh.
Kinger watches,
“Wonder what that’s about…”
Ragatha just sighs.
Pomni is on his tail, and he knows it, literally and figuratively.
She’s walking as fast as she can, her head racing and her face hot. She can see Jax a few paces off, basically running for his life, but acting as if he’s only on a morning stroll. The sun is setting, and the breeze is picking up.
She bristles, and goosebumps prickle her skin. Pomni realizes she’s still in that stupid T-shirt; she had ended up putting the pants on before she ran after the rabbit. but was still victim to the cold weather with the thin clothing.
She could see the lake up ahead, nowhere for him to go, the grounds cutting off at the water.
Jax weaved through trees, trying to lose her, before she could do whatever she had planned. Loose twigs snagged on his overalls and fur as he made his way to a clearing.
“Shit.” He stopped short, sand hitting his feet.
The lake stretched wide, the sun setting just above the water, casting a soft orange glow onto the waves. Water lapped at the dirt and grass that slowly turned into shore.
He skidded to a stop, staring. He could hear Pomni’s small footsteps a few paces back, branches cracking and leaves crunching as she made her way to him.
He might as well take in the scenery. After this he’s probably a dead man.
He could hear her getting closer, her breathing rough. And when he turned to look at her, she was still in that t shirt. Dammit.
A breeze hit as Pomni approached, making her shiver.
Her eyes met his and, boy did they feel dangerous. ‘If looks could kill’ he thought. Lifting his hands in surrender, she’s about to start yelling before he cuts her off.
“Listen, before you murder me, I just want you to know that this is totally zoobles fault!”
She pauses, just staring at him. Confusion hits her face like a bomb, eyebrows furrowing, an audible “huh?” leaving her mouth.
“It’s- zoobles fault you broke into my room while I was naked...?”
When she says it, he can hear exactly how stupid it sounds. It is stupid. This whole situation is stupid.
His hands fall to his sides, before he gives Pomni a once over, finally catching his breath. He can feel his face heating, even in the cold his ears and cheeks burn in embarrassment.
She stood there with her arms crossed. Waiting for him to give her an answer, an apology, an explanation, anything! In that moment he had forgotten how to form words. Helplessly reduced to a flustered mess.
Of course, she just had to notice this, he could see it in the way her eyes widened, her eyebrows raised and furrowed.
Damn her and her exaggerated expressions.
And so Jax’s ending had come to claim him, if it wasn’t going to be abstraction, then it was going to be murder, and by God if it wasn’t by the hands of the jester. The one person who hadn’t initially wanted him dead.
She tilted her head, still waiting. They seemed to do this a lot.
He really had been just staring at her. Dumbstruck. Embarrassed.
“I- “
He tried. took a breath and still couldn’t form any words.
Pomni sighed. Audibly distressed, cold, annoyed. And most of all, disappointed.
“Why were you breaking into my room?’
He shifted on one foot to the other, despite the breeze he could tell he was sweating. Why did she always make him sweat. Stupid.
“Ragatha asked me to bring you food, said you missed all the meals.”
It was the truth, the only thing he could tell her. He had nothing else to say.
“Oh.” She stood there for a second, thinking.
“But you knocked and I didn’t answer? Why not just leave? You seriously had to break in?”
He recoiled, “well... I- “
She cut him off, “I didn’t even miss breakfast?”
What? Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding.
He really didn’t want to tell her about the dress. Or about the blackmail. Or any of it. Period.
But she looked so angry. So, lost.
“Zooble threatened me, told me if I didn’t bring it to you, they would get Caine to- “
He cut himself off. God this was so embarrassing.
“Is that why you said it was zoobles fault?” The setting sun behind him cast warm yellows and golds onto her eyes. Those big eyes that always saw too much. It made him feel too much.
He nodded. He felt pathetic. Really, pathetic.
She just sighed again. Really looking at him. She didn’t look so angry anymore, just waiting.
He lowered his head, kicking his feet against the dirt. And then she sat down. Just plopped down on the grass. Jax just stared. And then she pat the open spot next to her.
An invitation. She didn’t really know if he would take it, but she could tell this had been a long time coming. And maybe this had been the push he needed.
He looked at her, face screwing up in annoyance and fear, taking a breath, he resigned and took a seat next to her.
Just far enough to have plausible deniability. The waves lapped in front of them, soft, calm. Pomni didn’t say anything, just watched as the sun continued to set. The water calm and the breeze prickled her skin. She really was cold.
Jax noticed, he always did. The way he attuned so naturally to her every need. It was terrifying. The way he knew her. He wanted to scoot closer, share his warmth.
She just watched him. Not expectant just, there. There for him.
He sighed and pulled his long legs in, setting his head on his knees.
“Listen, I- “
He stopped. He didn’t know how to do this. Didn’t know what to say.
He sucked in a breath, she tried to seem unassuming, but the way her eyes bore into his soul would never go unnoticed. He wanted to scream at her, tell her to jump in the lake and never resurface. Throw her in himself.
He looked at her, her big round eyes, those blue and red pinwheels, making him feel things he couldn’t explain.
This. This is what he was afraid of. Seeing her and having all his lies, everything he’d been trying to believe for years, and knowing none of it was true. That all of this really does matter, and that would mean-
He choked. He couldn’t do this. Pomni watched as his breathing grew shallow, looking for an exit, a way out. He could lie to her. Take the easy way out. She would see through it as soon as he tried anything.
She would always call him on his bullshit. Jax knew that well.
She was still sitting next to him. For some reason, some god-awful reason, she was still here. Looking for him. Staying with him. Caring about him.
He wanted to vomit.
“Why- why are you still here?”
“Because I care about you.” She replied like it was easy, easy to tell him the truth, be upfront with her feelings. He shivered.
“So, are you stupid or crazy? Or do you just have a death wish?” He looked at her then. Looked into her eyes.
He looked into them, and he forgot why he had tried to push her away in the first place.
“Well, I don’t plan on dying anytime soon, so I guess I’m crazy.”
She smiled, hands in her lap, still fiddling with the cuffs of her gloves. A nervous habit.
“I’m sorry pom.” It had just fallen out, he had been thinking of something else to say, push the blame off himself, distract her from this awful conversation.
His mouth moved before he could stop himself.
She turned his way. All attention on him
“You didn’t do anything wrong I need you to know that. Its- it’s me, it’s always me.”
She just watched, listening,
“I fucked up and, I said some awful things that I didn’t mean and- “
He choked, the lump that had been forming in his throat preventing him from rambling.
And then he felt her hand on his. Soft, warm. Careful. He looked at her then and saw those big eyes.
“I’m sorry Pomni.”
That was all he could say. And it was true. He meant it with every fiber of his being. He looked at her and hoped she knew that. She squeezed his hand softly, grounding.
“I want you to know, Jax. That I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, and I don’t plan on it.”
He looked at her and could see small tears pricking her eyes. His face crumpled, he hated when she cried. hated it. Pomni looked at him, a small smile gracing her lips.
“And I, am thinking about forgiving you.”
He looked heartbroken at her statement. But he nodded.
“After you make it up to me.” She amended.
He looked at her, eyes dropping. “You know I don’t- “
His jaw clenched.
“don’t what?”
Her hand was still on his, burning his skin, melting the fur down to the bone. He could feel her warmth, melting every wall he’d built.
“You know I don’t deserve a second chance.”
He removed his hand, pulling his knees to his chest and curling in on himself.
Pomni could only stare at him, creases between his brow deepening as he sunk into a spiral of self-destruction and loneliness.
She turned to face him.
He flinched away from her gaze, like she would set him on fire. “I don’t know that Jax.” She reached for his hand again; this time he didn’t protest. “I do know that I care about you. And that despite what you think, I am going to give you a second chance. Whether you deserve it or not.”
“You must be stupid then.” He scoffed, not bothering to move his hand away. He figures melting away would be better than rotting in the dark.
“Jax.” Her voice is stern; he can’t seem to meet her eyes.
“Jax, look at me.” she’s leaning forward, both hands set atop his own.
“Please.”
Finally, he looks up. Her big eyes, the things he’s been increasingly afraid of as of recent.
There are tears in her eyes, but she still looks so full of- hope.
Jax loses his resolve, or maybe he lost it forever ago, refusing to believe it.
“Why do you still bother with me?” his voice comes sharper than he means it to. Pomni doesn’t flinch.
“I mean really, what do you think will happen? When I mess up again? When I hurt you again? When I hurt everyone you care about?
“Because it will happen, and you will get hurt.”
His hand is clutching at his chest.
“I can’t do that to you again.”
It’s so quiet. Barely a whisper that leaves his mouth.
“Jax…”
“Pom.”
The nickname still came so easily. Was he still allowed to call her that?
He hoped so. It had quickly become one of his favorite words.
She sighed, “Jax, if you’re so set on the fact that you’re going to hurt me again, why are you still here?” he whips his head to face her, not the question he was expecting. Her face is so soft, but the words cut so deep. “I- “
“Because I…” he can’t even answer her, tell her the truth. That’s how pathetic he is.
He can’t even admit the fact that Pomni makes him happy.
“Why are you still punishing yourself? That’s what this is, why can’t you just let yourself be happy?”
Her voice is an octave higher, her string pulled tighter than before.
“Because I don’t deserve that! I’m an asshole!” he’s sitting up straighter, leaning over Pomni.
“Look at me! I torture people for fun!” he’s yelling at her now. But she doesn’t shrink, just lets him blow up at her. Like she knows he needs this.
He thinks they might both be teetering on the edge.
“You don’t enjoy it.”
He flinches back, as if the words genuinely wounded him. “What?”
She just stared at him, “you don’t enjoy it, hurting people. you pretend you do, but you don’t. I know you don’t.”
With that she shuts down any sort of self-pity Jax had.
“How would you know? You’ve barely been here a year!”
“Because it shows in your face Jax.” Her tone is even again. “You think no one can tell what you’re feeling when you put that stupid smile on. But I can. I can always tell.”
His pupils become small, realization dawning on him, that maybe his mask hadn’t been perfected after all, that his performance was lacking, small cracks causing everything to shatter.
“You just think you’ve got me all figured out, don’t you?!” he really is angry now.
She’s officially undermined everything, slapping him in the face.
“What a joke! Its laughable!” there’s no smile on his face.
“You don’t know anything! Nothing at all! Your just some stupid cartoon clown!”
He’s already hiding, running back to this angry façade he’s created.
And Pomni can only watch it happen.
“I know you apologized, and I know you don’t mean any of that.”
All he can do is stare at her.
No witty come back. No contest from the rabbit. Just his sagging shoulders. His tired eyes.
Realizing he’d lost whatever game he’d been trying to play.
She’s leaning forward again, searching in his eyes, for what Jax isn’t sure. But it seems she finds it, because she’s speaking again.
“I need you to try.”
He tilted his head in her direction. “Try what? Try not to kill everyone?”
She just huffed, shaking her head. “Well, that could be part of it, but what I mean is, I want you to try to be honest with me. With yourself.”
Oh. “What are you talkin’ about pom? I’m the most honest rabbit here!” He tried to put a smile on his face, she could see how pained it was.
“Jax. I’m serious.” The way he could go from volatile, to trying to save face, pretending nothing happened, how scared was he?
He huffed, shoulders deflating, “I know. I- “
“I’m not good at this. At all.”
Her hands were in his again.
He would say it felt almost natural. “I know Jax. That’s why I’m saying, if you can be honest with yourself, with me. That’s the first step. And I’ll be there to help you with the rest. Is that ok?”
He looked like he wanted to protest, say no. yell at her, and run away and never talk to her again.
Jax just stared at her, she could see all this awe in his eyes, like she was the craziest thing he’d ever seen.
“You don’t have to say yes if you don’t- “
“Yeah, that’s okay.”
“I just- “he looked away. Scoffing. “I’m not- good.”
He was still gripping his overalls, pulling the fabric tighter.
“I’m not good for you. Or anybody.”
She looked at him, pulling his other hand away from his clothing, now with both hands holding onto him, she could see him shift to look straight at her face.
“You don’t get to decide what’s good for me.”
She had him locked in her grip, lost in her eyes. Wrapped around her finger. He’d be lying if he said it wasn’t the best thing. “And it’s not true.” She noticed how close he was and had to look away, her face heating despite the cold. “You are good.”
How could she say that? Knowing full well all he was here was a nuisance, a narcistic prankster with a tendency to destroy himself and everyone else around him. She met his eyes again, seeing the doubt in his face.
“I mean it, I- I like hanging out with you.” The last part was softer, but he was so close there was no way he could miss it, nor the soft pink that dusted her cheeks.
“But what happens when I push you away, when I say that awful shit? You can’t just fix me Pomni.”
They were still holding hands. And her hands were so warm, he realized.
She squeezed, grounding. “I’m not trying to fix you Jax.”
Her face was serious now, her tone controlled. She meant it.
“And yes, the way you treat others isn’t exactly ideal, but- “she squeezed his hands again, “we can work on it right?”
He cracked a smile, “if you’re trying to tell me to kiss ragathas ass, I’m letting you know right now it’s not going to happen.”
She glared at him, “you know that’s not what I mean.” She was still smiling, “would being nice to ragatha really hurt you that much?”
“Yes.” He answered without blinking.
She let out a huff, somewhat a laugh, mostly a tired sigh. “Your ego maybe.” She said quietly.
“What was that?” he leaned in, and she could feel his breath on her face. “couldn’t hear you over my awesomeness.” She just laughed. Looking away, and shivering. It was nice to have him back; she had missed the easy banter that seemed to come with his company.
He noticed of course. Although her hands remained quite warm.
“Okay, you think we should head back? It is getting late. We probably missed dinner.”
The sun had long set, the water still lapping quietly behind them, but the air only became progressively colder.
Pomni nodded, shivering again.
The rabbit stood, beginning to walk back when her hand caught his wrist. “Jax.”
He stopped to turn and look at her; wrist still locked in her grip. “you’re not- you’re not just going to forget about this are you? Pretend it never happened?”
The way her voice wobbled wounded him. He almost broke. the fact that he had hurt her so badly that the truth wasn’t enough. He had to try. Had to be better. If not for him than for her, and her big eyes.
He just sighed, bent down to be eye level with her, and then he did something neither of them expected, he grabbed her hand and pulled her into a hug, tight and warm and so soft. “no. I promise Pomni. Im- I won’t do it again.”
She sighed into his chest, wrapping her arms around his middle and squeezing. He let his face fall to the top of her head, her hair tickling his nose, she smelled like cinnamon and citrus, and he never wanted to let her go.
The walk back to the tent was mostly quiet, with a small nudge and quick quip there.
It felt normal, to say the least. Pomni was relieved. The knot in her chest had all but untangled, leaving loose flowing thread in her heart. She realized she was smiling. And she guessed that she was pretty happy.
The others had long since returned to their rooms, the lights in the circus dimmed and the common spaces empty. The smell of food still lingered from dinner, but no one else was around.
Pomni and Jax walked side by side, back to their respected rooms.
She was tired to say the least. Worn out and exhausted, emotionally and physically. She guessed running all that way had done a number on her, as her joints ached from the combination of that and sitting on hard ground. Jax put his hands in his pockets, sneaking quick glances at the jester.
Of course she caught him, “what?” a small smile on her face,
“What do you mean?” he jested.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” He kneeled to her level, so that their eyes were even ground. “Because” he raised his hand and ran his fingers through her hair. she paused, her breath catching in her throat.
He watched intently, letting his hand linger on her soft strands.
“You have a leaf in your hair.” with that he pulled a small brown leaf from her head. Showing it to her and flicking it off.
He stood up straight and turned to his door. “Goodnight pom.”
He looked behind him to smile and give her a wink, before he slipped inside and shut his door.
All Pomni could do was stand there. Staring at the stupid picture of him on his door. She still wasn’t sure she could breathe.
When she recomposed herself, and finally made it back to her room, she noticed a few things.
She had a new mirror; a large full body stand that now hung from her wall. Her alphabet blocks had all but disappeared, and she was left instead with a few new framed pictures.
Small and simple. One showed her and ragatha after an adventure, they had been paired for rock climbing, Pomni had clung on to her while she shouted encouragements. A nice memory.
Another showed her and kinger laughing, showing her one of his many favorite bugs.
But the one that made her breath catch, was a small, framed polaroid. A picture taken during the gun adventure. Her and Jax, arm and arm, guns in hand, with wicked smiles on their faces.
She pressed her finger to the picture, tracing it along her and Jax.
Even though everything had gone to shit, they fixed it. Worked through it, together.
And Pomni concluded that maybe, everything might be okay.