Work Text:
Illumi upended an entire gallon of gasoline on Hisoka’s front door and set it on fire. The flames crawled up the doorframe, weakening the wood so Illumi could knock the door over with a single touch. It fell to the floor with a crash, spreading the fire to Hisoka’s furniture, which was really just one of those plastic chairs that looks like a big blue hand to hold butts. The hand melted immediately.
“Hisoka. There is a problem.”
“Is the problem that my house is on fire?” asked Hisoka from the kitchen. He was busy butchering a deer for dinner. The deer was still alive, mostly. The sound of deer screams and campfires resonated throughout the house.
“No. That’s just collateral damage,” Illumi replied, trying to rub a speck of scalding blue plastic out of his pants. “This is the problem.” He pulled down the pants. Hisoka turned to look.
“What is it? I can’t tell. You’re still wearing your unitard.”
“Oh. Of course.” Illumi produced a pin from Somewhere and slashed a hole the fabric of his tan unitard, revealing his skinny shriveled ween. “Look.”
“It always looks like that.”
“Not that, you idiot. This.” He pointed to a series of lentil-sized bumps above his pubes.
“Oh. Are those… genital warts?” Hisoka asked, ripping out the deer’s trachea and tossing it out of the window. It sort of coughed, or maybe squelched.
“I don’t think so. Come feel them.”
Hisoka wiped his bloody hands on his sweatpants and walked into the blazing living room. He put his hand on Illumi’s crotch lumps and squeezed them a little.
“They’re hard. Like Cabbage Patch toes.”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. They showed up last week, and I cut them off, but they came back.”
“Sounds like warts, buddy friend.” Hisoka lit a cigarette on the flaming floor.
“Damn.” Illumi kicked off his pants all the way and walked backwards out of the house with his junk flopping in the breeze. The ankles of his unitard caught fire, searing off his leg stubble.
Hisoka sighed as his chum speeded away from him. He blew a puff of smoke out of the corners of his eyes. “Time to flood the house again.”
-
When Illumi returned to his dirt mound, he felt a dull pain in his stomach. The bumps had grown slightly, and the largest one was about as big as a pea. He tried to burrow into the ground and sleep it off, but the pain was becoming too much to ignore - like getting punched in the gut repeatedly. He sat awake in his dark moist hole for six hours. The pain sharpened until it felt like someone was stabbing his pelvis. Normally, Illumi wouldn’t be bothered by the feeling of a knife wound, but since it came from a skin growth and not an opponent, it pissed him off. Illumi finally emerged from his hole to check on the lumps. The original five spheres were now on top of a new bigger bump, like a newborn baby’s foot.
Illumi flexed his stomach, and the teeny toes curled. He made a noise that was something like a sigh and a shriek at the same time. This was the last thing he needed. A tiny foot.
There was no point in fighting it. Illumi returned to his hole and accepted his triple footed fate. Worms slithered onto his skin, forming a protective layer against the cold earth. He slept in till three PM.
When he awoke, the appendage had grown into a fully formed foot, and was a size that would suit a four-year-old child.
“God damn it,” Illumi said, tunneling underground on his way back to Hisoka’s place. He popped up in the middle of the bathroom and scattered broken tiles across the room. Hisoka was busy taking a shit.
“Oh,” said Illumi. “Did I come at a bad time?”
“No. Perfect, actually.” Hisoka clenched his poop chute to squeeze off the last turd. He wiped, douched, and Febrezed his colon within the span of 2.5 seconds. “What’s up?”
“Look.”
Hisoka pulled up his pants and examined Illumi’s new foot. He tickled it. The toes wiggled.
“Oh my god. Can I put it in my ass?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Please? It’s so small and perfect.”
“Fuck off.”
Hisoka’s face shriveled like an angry raisin. “Fine.”
“I just wanted to show you the progress,” said Illumi, tucking the foot back into his unitard and sewing up the hole. “Do you have food?”
“There’s leftovers in the fridge.”
Illumi sawed an Illumi-shaped hole in the bathroom door and stepped through it. The kitchen was pretty much intact, but Hisoka’s living room had a considerable hole burned in it, and the carpet was soggy. Illumi ignored this and ripped bits of deer carcass out of the fridge. He gnawed on a bone, steely teeth and gums shredding it to bits like a fleshy Slap Chop™. He needed extra nutrition now to stimulate the growth of new leg bones. It had an ankle now. He could roll the little foot in a circle.
“Hey, I think I’m just going to stay the night,” Illumi said. This was barely understandable, since his mouth was full of brain matter, but Hisoka knew him well enough to comprehend his mouth-full-of-brain-matter voice.
“Sure. Just make sure and sleep in the hole you already made, okay? Stanley Steemer is getting on my ass.”
“Whatever.”
-
Two days later, Illumi had made eight more holes in the ground, each getting more and more misshapen as the leg grew. He slept for a full 24 hours before emerging with a fully grown leg protruding from his groin. It was slender, covered in skin only half a shade lighter than the rest of his body. This boy was white as hell. It was kind of impossible to get any whiter than that. The foot could neither be distinguished as a left foot or a right foot, because the big toe was in the center, and there was no arch. The new leg hadn’t yet accumulated the same level of muscle as the other two, and it was not yet strong enough to support Illumi’s weight. He leaned on it, and the knee buckled, sending him crashing to the floor face first. An entirely new sensation. Illumi had never once been off-balance. Even as a toddler, he’d had the poise and grace of a tightrope walking ballerina, and his first steps were taken in a full-on sprint.
Illumi laid there on Hisoka’s damp living room carpet, leftover moisture sinking into his clothes. So this is humiliation, he thought. The front leg was bent uncomfortably underneath him. He struggled to stand, getting himself accustomed to the new weight in front of him. He made his way to Hisoka’s room, who was elbow-deep in his own anus. He did not knock. This was mostly because the door was wide open.
“Oh, hello Illumi. I wasn’t sure how long you’d be out.” His hand snaked out of his ass and plopped wetly on the bed.
“Hello. My leg is complete, but I need to get it to be beefy.”
“That’ll take a while. It’s just a baby leg,” Hisoka replied, wiping his arm on the sheets. “Will you please put it in my ass now?”
“Hisoka. It’s fucking gigantic. Like, three feet long. Also I’m not about to sodomize my virgin leg baby on the day of its birth.”
Hisoka just licked his lips and smiled. His lizard tongue stuck out a bit too far and went inside his nostril, but he played it cool and chewed his own booger in a very sophisticated and intentional way. Illumi grimaced.
“If you’re going to be like this, I’m leaving.” He stomped awkwardly away, dirty hair fluttering behind him like a sad bat.
-
After a week of working out alone, Illumi had built up enough strength to run with all three of his legs. It looked sort of like the way a dog runs, but a tricycle dog. He ran all the way back to Hisoka, just to stick it to him.
Hisoka had been lying in bed since the day Illumi left. He hadn’t even bothered to put on pants. The carpet had grown several inches of mold, and the bugs kicked up from Illumi’s digging habits had sparked a full-blown termite infestation. When Illumi arrived, he noticed how much Hisoka’s home was starting to smell like his own. He was slowly claiming the place, like a parasite that lays eggs underneath their victims’ skin. Illumi entered Hisoka’s room and looked over his naked, pathetic, tear-stained body.
“Hi.”
“Have you finally come around?” asked Hisoka, sniffling.
“No. I just wanted to show you how strong I got.” Illumi leaned back on his original legs and kicked Hisoka in the jaw with all the might of his front leg. His jaw shattered. Blood poured from between Hisoka’s sneaky clown lips.
“Jesus Christ, Illumi, shove that beautiful thing in my butt immediately,” crunched Hisoka, spitting out molars.
“No thanks. You can lick it if you want, though.”
Hisoka eagerly grabbed the foot and ran his spiky cat tongue across the heel. He slurped on each toe like a baby on a mom nipple, then shoved the entire foot past his useless broken jaw and into his throat. The leg slid down the magician’s neck until it reached the knee. Hisoka gagged, choked, screamed, with tears streaming from his eyes. This was perfection. This was heaven.
“Thank… you,” he gurgled, struggling to move his lips around the start of the knee. Illumi shoved his foot even farther down Hisoka’s esophagus until he had taken it to the hilt. Hisoka’s chameleon tongue snaked out and brushed Illumi’s hairless balls.
“Don’t do that,” Illumi said.
“Hnghgglngh,” Hisoka apologized. His tongue slurped around Illumi’s upper thigh instead, twisting and knotting around itself. The slimy face snake was cutting off circulation to Illumi’s front leg. His toes, well into Hisoka’s stomach at this point, began to turn purple. The foot went numb. Illumi slowly began to lose feeling in the leg as Hisoka sucked it, creeping up and up until he couldn’t feel anything from toe to thigh. It was different from anything he’d ever experienced. Losing feeling in a limb he had just gained was almost like he’d never had it in the first place, but the weight was still there.
Illumi’s eyes closed. He lost himself in the eccentricity of the sensation. Hisoka’s face snake slithered tighter and tighter around the leg. He moaned in pleasure, sending unfeelable vibrations down the leg. Illumi looked down. His thigh meat was bunched so tightly that it looked like a sausage link. The swelling was unbelievable. At this rate, it would turn black and fall off.
“Wait. Wait, stop for a second,” said Illumi, his voice showing absolutely none of the concern he was feeling.
Hisoka tried to stop, but his tongue was knotted so many times that he couldn’t figure out how to untwist it. In his excitement, he bit down as hard as he could with his remaining teeth. Unfortunately these teeth were really fucking strong. Illumi’s front leg and the majority of Hisoka’s tongue were removed instantly. They both screamed, spewing blood all over Hisoka’s bed. A single tear squirted out of Illumi’s left eye. Even though he had only grown it a week ago, he had grown attached to his new leg. In a metaphorical way. And now it was gone.
“How could you?”
Illumi collapsed on the ground from blood loss.
“Hrghlrblugh,” Hisoka replied, writhing.
Illumi twitched, trying to use his shirt to stop the flow from his groin. This was probably the worst day he’d ever had.
“I hate you.”
Hisoka moaned.