Chapter Text
He remembers it clearly. It was a weird memory that arrived every once in a while in the form of a dream. He laid on the bed of his childhood bedroom, blue sheets tossed, his pillows stacked behind his head, windows shut and the curtains drawn close. At the distance he could hear a few pops, the sound of fireworks loud but clearly far away. His body didn’t move, he listened to the noise and in his mind imagined which color variations would burst out in the sky.
And yet he didn’t move.
By the time his body reacted and he reached out to open the window, the fireworks had stopped. He was late.
That memory for some reason comes back to him in a daydream.
He blinked slowly at the rays of light obstructing his vision, reflecting right at him to bring him back to his reality. For a long time he had a bad habit of tuning things out and losing himself inside his head, it was pretty harmless but maybe not the best thing to do at his best friend's wedding.
Shotaro and Sungchan had been in the middle of telling their vows, each one taking what felt like an approximate of an hour. Tears ran down the lover’s faces, he could see Sungchan’s mom holding tears of her own out of the corner of his sight. Everyone had smiles plastered on, he had made his best attempt at copying the joy of the people around him but he still found his smile fluttering away at the couples kiss on the altar.
He gulped down and sighed deeply.
The guest stood from their seats to clap and cheer, he stood up, eyes fixed on the way how Sungchan’s hand engulfed Shotaro’s, their rings flashing strong with the polish of a new start.
Anton clapped as hard as he could and smiled softly at Shotaro when their eyes met. He pushed away any thought in his head that aligned with an image of him in any place replacing a certain someone’s position, with him being the one on the other side and a real smile on his face.
He bowed his head down to brush away the white confetti on his hair, pushing away the tears forming on his eyes with his fingers before anyone could notice.
Two months ago he had received what he likes to call “the end of his delusions”, marking the beginning of a new Anton.
An Anton that felt envy, an Anton that felt sadness and an Anton that felt regret.
The white envelope had been nicely made with fancy gold edges and fonts at the front written perfectly for him to not confuse the names and mix them with someone else’s.
“We invite you to celebrate the marriage of two souls united by fate
Shotaro and Sungchan
June 12th 2025”
By the time the wedding came the envelopes' golden edges had been damaged and cracked from the amount of folding and crumbling the paper had been subdued to.
That morning he had tried neatly fixing it by pressing his palm flat to it and laying a stack of books on top of it to bring it to its original state. One where it didn’t reflect all his pent up emotions and misery.
Fortunately no one had noticed.
“Who did you come here for?”
“Huh?” Anton snapped back to reality, he hadn’t noticed time moving so fast. A girl sitting beside him on the table was holding a glass of champagne as she looked directly at him.
“Who are you here for? Like what’s your relationship with the grooms?” She asked again, taking a small sip from her glass.
Anton cleared his throat and stretched his shoulders, the pain from his bad posture getting a wince out of him.
“Um.. I’m friends with Shotaro” he replied, forcing his voice out over the loud music.
The girl's eyes widened, her head tilting. “Oh! Really? I’m also friends with Shotaro, I didn’t know you two were friends”
“Yeah, we have been friends since high school,” he chuckled, a memory of himself back in school coming over to him. The girl seemed to have recognized him from that statement as she straightened her posture and set her glass down on the table.
“Wait, are you Anton?” She asked excitedly.
Anton nodded.
The girl’s mouth opened widely, shock written over her.
“Omg! Shotaro has talked so much about you, we worked at the same educational center giving Japanese lessons and he would always mention a friend of his back from high school. I just didn’t know it was you!”
“Well, I hope he only talked good things about me then,” Anton joked.
“Oh don’t worry. He loves you” the girl exclaimed.
There lies the problem.
Anton knew the girl said it out of kindness, but the love she talked about wasn’t the same as the love that he wanted and that Shotaro would never give to him. The love a best friend gets could never compare to the love a husband; a lover; a soulmate gets.
When they met during high school Anton had been fascinated at the thought of helping the new foreign student, he had held Shotaro’s arm tight and by consequence his heart had attached too tightly for it to let go. The delusion and loyalty he had for the Japanese man held on all the way from high school, to college and to adulthood. His heart's strings had been broken more times than his hopes had been broken by missed opportunities of college swimming or finding new relationships.
He hated the way he felt. The way his chest tightened whenever shotaro smiled at sungchan and how he hoped to avoid looking at the man’s eyes because of the guilt he held onto.
What a shitty guest would he be wishing for one of the grooms to disappear.
But he couldn’t wish for such a thing. Shotaro’s happiness mattered, it mattered more to him and his own did.
The after party carried on with him chatting with the girl on the table, soon finding out her name was Gawon and that she was also from New Jersey like him. Between all the talking about cities and food prices he had managed to down four glasses of champagne that had just decided to let him know it was bathroom time as soon as the first dance was going to start.
Thank you universe he praised mentally.
“I’ll be right back” he said to Gawon, buttoning his suit as he stood up.
“You’ll miss the first dance though” she pointed out to the married couple in the center of the dancefloor.
Anton couldn’t tell her that it was exactly why he was excusing himself. Clearly.
“I can watch a recording later,” he replied and made his way out of the room, walking towards the bathrooms down the hotel hall.
The couple had opted for a more western wedding, not so similar to the Korean weddings where the couples marry in twenty minutes and guests leave at the minute twenty-one. Fortunately Sungchan came from quite an affluent family so the hotel search hadn’t been cheap. He looked around the golden lights and the high ceiling from the hallway, stopping by a big mirror outside the men’s bathroom to fix his hair. So far he didn’t look like a wreck. He sighed in relief.
Sniff
He paused on his movements, his hand hovering over his tie.
Sniff
Anton’s eye brow raised, he tried listening closely as to where the sniffing came from. He opened the door to the men’s bathroom slowly, the sounds of someone crying getting louder. His heart beat fast, he walked with precision so as to not make any noise.
He couldn’t spot in which cubicle the guy was in but he heard how his sobs grew louder and that made his breath stop. Should I turn around? he thought. If he was the person on the other side of the bathroom, sitting down and crying his ass off, he surely wouldn’t want someone to hear him or let alone acknowledge him.
But.. he felt empathy. If this “someone” happened to be doing just as badly as him during such a joyful night, then surely he would want to help, maybe chat out his heart and finally get to confess to a total stranger about his hidden feelings towards a married man.
He pressed his hands together.
“Hello?” He greeted, more like asking if signs of life still existed inside the bathroom. The sobbing stopped as soon as he spoke, his blood rose all the way to his face. Silence engulfed the space.
“Are you okay?” He asked with concern.
Silence.
Anton pressed his lips, Maybe I should’ve left.
“W-well, if you need help I’m here,” he continued.
Silence came again as a response.
He waited a second before deciding to leave.
But, before he could take a step out a low murmur came.
“Huh?” He got closer to hear.
“What can you help me with?” The stranger asked, his words hanging on a low mumble. Anton paused in front of the stall he thought he was being spoken from.
He took a moment to think before replying.
“I can listen” he said “I’m not sure if you want to talk but I can listen if you want to talk about..umm whatever it is that you're going through” his hands moved on their own, fingers fidgeting with each other.
And as if he had given the right code, one of the bathroom doors creaked as it opened slowly. Anton got closer to the door, his pulse beating fast. There was a black haired guy sitting on the toilet with a suit of the same color, his eyes red and irritated and he sniffed whatever was left from his crying. He looked up at Anton, tired and serious.
“But will you care?” He asked.
Anton nodded.
He recognized the guy from a table across from him at the wedding, though having not paid that much attention to the other guest, he still caught his eye. Now he caught his curiosity. The guy hugged his knees close and Anton kneeled on the ground by the toilet to be at his level. Maybe, maybe this guy was going through what Anton was experiencing. A light fired inside of him at the thought of not being alone on his unrequited feelings; at a stranger understanding him without judgement.
“I came here with my boyfriend,” the guy said,”We have been together for a year but I think today I realized something,” he paused.
Anton heard him patiently.
The stranger pressed his quivering lips, holding back tears. “I don’t think he’ll ever love me the same way Shotaro and Sungchan love each other,” his voice weakened, the last words squeaking out of him as he lost his breath. A small tear rolled down his eye and Anton’s chest clenched out of compassion, he felt the guy's pain, even if his presumptions about his suffering had been different to the reality he told him.
He raised his hand to caress the guy’s knee, “Well.. if it makes you feel better, I’m at a wedding harboring unrequited feelings towards one of the grooms,” he laughed at himself, “so if you’re feeling heartbroken, at least you’re not alone”. The stranger looked up from the ground to stare at him in confusion, his plump lips setting on a pout.
“Sungchan?,” he asked, Anton shook his head. The guy seemed to catch onto what he meant, “Shotaro is a nice person, Eunseok doesn’t like him much though”.
“Eunseok is your boyfriend?” Anton asked, he hadn’t remembered seeing Eunseok besides the crying stranger at the after party, let alone at the same table. He had met Eunseok because of Sungchan, which meant he actually met him because of Shotaro. Apparently he was a close friend of Sungchan but all he could remember clearly about him was his humor and stoic demeanor. He was a cool person, but his personality probably might not translate properly to romance if his lover was crying on top of a toilet during a wedding celebration.
The guy nodded at his question, “do you know him?” He asked.
Anton tilted his head left and right, “kind of” he replied.
“What’s your name?” Anton asked, his hand still caressing the stranger's knee in silent comfort.
“Wonbin, and you?”
“Anton”
They both fell into silence.
Wonbin was the first one to break it. “Anton, do you still have hopes of finding love?”
He thought about it multiple times. It hadn’t been weird from him, back during college, to try putting away his feelings towards his best friend and go around talking to people. He had texted, called, flirted and gone on various dates just to end up in relationships that never lasted or getting dumped for “not doing enough”. At the end all his attempts ended up with him always going back to Shotaro.
For Wonbin.. he would have to lie about it.
He sat properly on the floor and looked up at the ceiling. “I think I still do, but I’m not so sure right now.” Wonbin hummed in understanding.
“And you?” He asked back, “Do you have hope of finding a new love?”
Wonbin shook his head, “I still love Eunseok, I just wished he could change for me.”
Anton understood it, that persistence at staying with someone and wishing something could change. “Do you think he will?” he asked, Wonbin sighed in response.
For a moment in their quiet companionship he took in Wonbin’s appearance, not just the initial one like the first impression of his long hair and his well tailored suit, but one now from a point of view of someone who he had shared his problems with. If he looked closely he could see the moles adorning his face, the way how his lip stick faded and how his tears left a trail on his face, sadness reddened his face and yet he still looked beautiful. He wondered how he had met Eunseok and how the man had managed to not only get his heart but also break it.
Wonbin looked at him, both their eyes locking.
They smiled softly at each other.
“You know, you’re the first person I tell to about my feelings” Anton confesses, Wonbin’s mouth forms a round “O” in shock. “Really?” He asks, Anton nods.
He laughs, “yeah. It feels good finally confessing it”.
Wonbin laughs back with him, he relaxes his body and lets his feet drop to the floor, no longer hugging his knees in need of security. “I think you’re the first one I talk to about my problem too” Wonbin smiles.
“I’m glad,” Anton exclaims.
Anton stands up abruptly, brushing his hands behind him and adjusting his clothing. Wonbin looks up at him with confusion.
“I think the first dance ended a while ago,” he says “do you want to go back with me?” He says, flexing out his hand, inviting Wonbin to grab it.
Wonbin seems to think about it for a second. “I don’t feel like going back, my boyfriend disappeared out of nowhere and he isn’t answering my calls” he explains. No wonder Anton couldn’t see him at the table or anywhere around Wonbin, he wanted to ask where eunseok could’ve gone to, but he knew that as much as he wondered, Wonbin probably did even more. He could go back alone and let Wonbin sit alone inside the bathroom, but even that sounded cruel and like a bad idea. In all honesty, he didn’t want to go back, the crowd was too loud and his consciousness about himself and surroundings too obnoxious to even let him even enjoy the rest of the celebration.
“Do you want to leave with me then? I have a car” he said.
Wonbin hesitated, but soon his hand found itself engulfed in Anton’s, holding him tightly and firmly.
None of them addressed the blush on both their cheeks or the random couple making out right outside the men’s bathroom when they stepped out.
…..
They had stopped by a chicken shop to grab a to-go box. In the car ride they laughed and chatted about each other’s childhoods, Wonbin ranted about the pros and cons of growing up with a Korean family and living on the countryside and Anton cracked jokes about stereotypes and old folk superstitions he was taught by his grandparents. Between their conversations, Anton had invited Wonbin over to his apartment, gladly, Wonbin had accepted.
The warm lights of Anton’s living room shined a perfect halo over Wonbin’s face, now rid of tears and engulfed in a big smile as he bit over his chicken tender. He had been telling Anton about the time he fell as a kid and the reason why he has a scar on his eyebrow.
“I think that’s the coolest place to get a scar,” Anton laughed, Wonbin had pushed hair back to show him the evidence. “I think if you were to show it off all the time you would look like a tough guy,” Anton claimed, his eyes trailing over Wonbin’s exposed forehead.
Wonbin laughed, letting go of his hair. “Really?”
Anton hummed as he chewed down. He hadn’t eaten during the after party, not because he didn’t like the food served but because his body refused to digest anything that he could assimilate with Shotaro that day.
Wonbin drank from his glass of water, “then what kind of look do I have now?” He asked, a playful grin plastered on his face.
Anton looked up, pressing his fingers in his chin, letting Wonbin hang on the intrigue. He hummed in thought.
“Hey! Stop teasing!” Wonbin exclaimed laughing and Anton giggled in response.
“You kind of have this pretty look, like a lost prince,” he said at last.
They had taken off their suit jackets at the entrance, now only pairing white button downs. The ruffles on the sleeves ends of Wonbin’s shirt gave him a loyalty-like image that Anton thought suited him nicely, or more than nicely; majestically.
“Ayy,” Wonbin brushed over his words like he didn’t believe him. “You’re making things up now,” he said with squinting eyes.
Anton pressed his hand on his chest, “no! I swear I’m being serious, there’s no way no one has told you the same”.
To that Wonbin looked down, his smile fading.
“There have been people, but…Eunseok never tells me anything like that” he explains. Anton looks at him fixedly, he wonders how Eunseok must treat Wonbin for him to feel so…so unloved. He wouldn’t call himself the perfect man, not with the amount of partners that have told him how lost in his own head he lives, but he at least cared, attempted to care even if his heart wasn’t in it. Wonbin seemed friendly and fun. They say opposites attract but maybe Eunseok’s and Wonbin’s didn’t attract well, or maybe it was just Eunseok’s that didn’t match.
Maybe he shouldn’t think so much about someone else’s relationship, but he can’t help it.
He called out to Wonbin, “Hey,” this made the man raise his sight from his fingernails. “I mean it. You’re beautiful,” Anton comforted him. The praise seemed to make Wonbin happy as a shy smile appeared on his face and his eye lashes fluttered. “Thank you,” he whispered. Anton smiled back.
“How old are you?” Wonbin asked out of nowhere.
“I’m twenty-three,” Anton replied, Wonbin gasped in shock.
“I’m older than you then,” he exclaimed. “I’m twenty-five. Wow. I can’t believe it” Wonbin said with disbelief.
Anton chuckled,”then I’ve been treating Hyung the wrong way this whole time”. Wonbin shook his head, waving his hand like he should brush it off.
“That doesn’t matter, I’m more shocked that you seem so mature”
He had gotten comments like that several times, all the way from family to swimming coaches and medical center employees at the emergency room. His brain could have developed at a fast pace, who knows, but surely it hadn’t matured enough to be able to move on from the past. He thanked Wonbin for the comment but he surely didn’t think the same way the older did.
“I think you have a good heart,” Wonbin said, his cheeks raising at the statement. For a second Anton’s breath cut short, his chest felt stuffy.
“Thank you hyung, I think the same about you”.
“Good heart” he stored those words deep inside his brain, right beside the spot of bad memories and not so friendly words that had been directed to him throughout the years.
Inside his brain a box also opened, one where it made him wonder about alternative realities. A world in which Wonbin wasn’t with his boyfriend and Anton didn’t have a broken heart, what could’ve happened. What could’ve happened when their hands accidentally brushed over each other while trying to reach for a tissue, at their eyes meeting in small and shy glances and their giggles growing louder as the night advanced.
With slight alcohol in their systems and the right timing present.
When Anton put on some music on his tv and raised himself inviting Wonbin over for a dance, that possibility opened.
“You like dancing, hyung?” He asked, holding with one hand Wonbin’s own while his other flexed behind the his waist, both of them moving at the slow rhythm of Jeff Buckley. He couldn’t help but notice the ease in which Wonbin’s feet moved at, each step timing perfectly.
Wonbin’s fingers on his shoulder tapped at each beat, guiding Anton as to when to move.
“Growing up I went to a dancing academy, I wanted to become an idol singer”
Anton cracked his neck back to stare down at him, “why didn’t you continue?” He was shocked to hear such revelation, it wasn’t uncommon for young people to want to pursue a career in the idol business, he was sure that with Wonbin’s looks he could’ve made it big and yet he was here and not on a stage.
Wonbin shrugged, “I just felt like everyone was advancing in their lives except me, the idea of becoming a singer felt like an empty dream that took too much time to get to”. Anton pressed his lips into a thin line, he felt bad, in a way he wanted to apologize for asking such a thing. He knew exactly what it felt like to have a dream and at the end not being able to pursue it, he still holds those bitter life truths inside his mouth whenever he changes cables on his tv and stumbles across a swimming competition or when he sees his ex-teammates on his instagram for you page.
Sometimes life is more fair and just to some people than it is for others. He and Wonbin were a good example of that philosophy.
“I think we have a lot in common hyung”
“Mhmm” Wonbin hums in agreement, even if he doesn’t know exactly what Anton is referring to. They at least had a mutual agreement, a little shared secret between them that hopefully none of them would talk to anyone else about. The song on his playlist changed to Gustavo Cerati’s “bocanada”, they swayed from left to right as Wonbin laid his head on Anton’s shoulder. Anton gulped.
“I like this song, you better send it to me later,” Wonbin said nonchalantly, Anton’s heart beat fast the entire time.
With a shaky voice he replied, “yes”.
Wonbin raised his head from his shoulder, his round eyes penetrating Anton’s. Time stopped. Anton sweated.
This was wrong.
But their lips pressed together didn’t feel that way.
Wonbin’s lips were wet and soft, gliding against his slowly. Anton swallowed in every trembling breath and small whimper from the shorter. If he could give the kiss a flavor he would say—realistically—that it tastes like champagne and chicken, but also like strawberries and sweet honey. Wonbin held tightly onto his shoulder, his other hand playing with the hairs at the back of his neck. Anton held him firmly by the waist as they separated to catch their breaths. Wonbin’s plump lips looking ever more red than before, Anton breathed heavily at the sight.
Glossy eyes looked up at him, filled with.. regret maybe; mixed confusion.
“I-I’m sorry," Wobin apologized quickly, looking down at the floor as he pressed a hand on his lips.
Anton wanted to whisper “It doesn’t matter” but he knew it did matter. It mattered that they kissed after just getting to know each other, it mattered that Wonbin’s boyfriend wasn’t around and probably one second away from sending him a call, and that for once, Anton wasn’t just thinking about Shotaro or the wedding.
Before he could say anything Wonbin continued,”it’s just-“ he paused, “I don’t know. Eunseok hasn’t been so affectionate this past few months, so I-I’ve been feeling lost”
When he looked at Anton again, his eyes were glassy, ready to burst into tears, “I’m sorry Anton”.
Anton shook his head. Maybe this was wrong, maybe what Wonbin just said mattered more than anything but he wouldn’t leave him alone with the guilt. He cradled his face tenderly with both hands, brushing off the falling tears from his face with his thumb as he leaned down to connect their lips again.
Their eyes closed and Wonbin cried silently against the kiss, letting himself be guided by Anton’s figure.
Anton cared too much about Wonbin’s body leaning against his for it to not matter.
Something had started between them that probably couldn’t be explained.