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"You look so pretty Hollander." Ilya muttered as he thrusted into Shane harder looking down at his beautifully flushed beneath him.
"Fuck Ilya." Shane moaned throwing his head back against the pillow opening up the space for Ilya to lean down and kiss up and down Shane's neck.
"So pretty Shane. You take me so well. Such a good girl for me." Ilya chanted into Shane's skin causing Shane to moan loudly his eyes rolling backwards as he came all over Ilya' stomach in thick powerful ropes. Ilya thrusted once, twice, more before he came collapsing on top on Shane.
Ilya continued to kiss down Shane's neck and then his chest expecting Shane to lean into his touch yet he stayed stone cold lying flat against the bed. Ilya pulled back slightly looking at Shane who was staring off, straight up at the roof.
"Shane." Ilya called leaning up on his hands and knees over Shane obstructing Shane's view while leaving a slight space between them. Shane flinched slightly as their eyes met before turning his head to the side tears pooling in his eyes.
"Shane, what is wrong? Did I do something wrong?" Ilya asked, guilty at making Shane cry. Shane shook his head slightly against the pillow still refusing to look at him. Ilya rolled off him onto the bed next to Shane torn between wanting to comfort Shane physically and being fearful of making Shane more upset by touching him if he didn't want to.
"Shane can you look at me?" Ilya asked softly though Shane still faced away from him. Shane stayed quiet for a moment before speaking his voice shaking, "I-I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologise for, moya lyubov." Ilya insisted, his hand flexing at his side, itching to touch him, "Can you tell me what's wrong? I am sorry if I hurt you."
"No, no you-you didn't." Shane answered quickly.
"Then why are you crying?" Ilya asked gently.
"I-you..." Shane sighed his words coming out weak and tentive, "I...I can't say..."
"Shane." Ilya said a bit harsher causing Shane to finally look him, his eyes red, tear trails running down his face. "Please tell me. If you are crying I want to know."
"You- You'll think of me differently." Shane muttered.
"Can I touch you?" Ilya asked waiting for Shane to nod before placing a hand on Shane's cheek gently wiping away the tears on his cheek.
"Nothing you say can change how I think of you enough not to care about you. Ya lyublyu tebya, solnyshko." Ilya insisted, Shane srunched his eyes slightly seemingly not believing it completely.
"Is true. Nothing could say would make me not love you Shane." Ilya said confidently before turning more teasing, "Unless you tell me you went easy on me in practice yesterday and let me score, in which case I will have to divorce you, Hollander."
"Were not even married, yet." Shane chuckled wetly.
"I will find a way." Ilya smirked at him.
Shane smiled at him for a moment before his smile dropped slowly, looking down slightly.
"I liked when you called me that." Shane muttered so quiet Ilya could barley hear him.
"Call you what?" Ilya asked, now serious again, now Shane was opening up, "I call you lots of things." Shane hesitated again Ilya gently moving his thumb on his cheek to comfort him.
"Good girl." Shane whispered, his face turning bright red. Ilya hadn't even ment to. It just kind of slipped out of him, as easily forgetten to him as it was said. Still if Shane liked it he would happily say it again intentionally.
"Oh." Ilya's face split into wide smile, leaning into Shane more with a raised eyebrow, "You like that?"
"Yes." Shane admitted his voice airy before growing stronger again as he insisted, "But it's more than that." Ilya smile faded growing serious once more.
"Okay."
Shane shrunched his eyes shut tightly taking a deep breath before pushing the words out his mouth quickly as if to prevent him stopping himself.
"I'm not a boy." Ilya scrunched his face slightly looking at Shane curiously.
"Shane, I think you can like being called a good girl during sex and still be a boy ." Ilya replied in what looked like a joke but Shane could tell he was asking for clarification.
"It's not just that though." Shane replied feeling slightly more confident now he had gotten the initial bit out opening his eyes to look at Ilya whose eyes opened in realisation.
"Like...you are trans?" Ilya asked, Shane's whole body tensed up his eyes flickering around Ilya's face trying to read how he felt about it.
"Shane I am bisexual. I do not care if you are women." Ilya comforted moving the hand from Shane's face to rub gently down his chest. Shane shook his head slightly.
"I'm not a woman." Shane corrected.
Ilya thought for a second before speaking, "You are...sorry I do not know it in english, but nebinarny?" Shane hesitated before nodding slowly looking up at Ilya before the tears welled in his eyes again.
"Oh solnyshko." Ilya mumbled pulling Shane into his arms as the sobs racked his body, his sobs echoing loudly in their bedroom.
" Ya lyublyu tebya. No matter what, ya lyublyu tebya, okay. I do not care. Well I do because it is important to you, but it does not change how I feel. Ya lyublyu tebya."
Shane continued to cry as Ilya rubbed a hand up a down Shane's back, the other knotted in his hair.
After a few minutes Shane's cries calmed down sniffling slightly before placing his chin on Ilya's chest to look at him.
" You don't mind?" Shane asked quietly.
"No moya lyubov. I just want you to be happy." Ilya replied leaning down to kiss Shane gently, who sighed into it.
Shane's eyes flicked around Ilya's face, looking for any kind of discomfort, when he pulled back, before his entire frame relaxed slightly into Ilya, placing his head back on his chest nuzzling into it.
" How long have you known?" Ilya asked gently running his fingers through Shane's hair more.
"Uh...a long time." Shane responded, Ilya made a displeased noise at Shane hiding that long.
"When did you know?" Ilya asked again, before he could stop himself, worrying about pushing to far.
"When I was with Rose. She put makeup on me once and then...yeah." Shane admitted.
"Shane that was years ago." Ilya sighed, "Why didn't you say anything?"
Ilya couldn't help but feel himself begin to worry. How must Shane have been feeling all these years not being able to be himself around anyone? It was bad enough having to hide they were gay, Ilya couldn't imagine hiding that he was trans too. Why didn't he tell Ilya, did he say something to make him not feel comfortable to? What if he had been making Shane uncomfortable this whole time and Shane hadn't corrected him because he wasn't out?
"I know." Shane mumbled, "I-I didn't really come to terms with it until like a year ago...It took alot to feel comfortable in it."
"Did I do anything to make it harder?" Ilya found himself asking, his heart aching at the thought of making anything harder for Shane.
"No, no." Shane looked back up at Ilya, "It was just me...I mean hockey and the league and stuff didn't help but it wasn't you."
Ilya nodded smiling at Shane softly comforted that he didn't make anything harder for him.
"Have you told anyone else?" Ilya asked.
"No. No I haven't said it out loud until today." Shane admitted.
"Not even Rose?" Ilya asked it would make sense if she was there when Shane was figuring it out, and she was the first person Shane came out as gay to.
"No, no I pretended to hate it at the time." Shane said, Ilya couldn't ignore the slight happiness in him being the first one to know. No matter how much he liked Rose now, a small part of him deep down still got jealous when Rose knew things about Shane that he didn't.
"It felt good? To tell someone? " Ilya asked causing Shane to smile at him slightly,
"Yeah, it feels good." Ilya smiled at him wider kissing him quickly.
"Can I do anything to help?" Ilya asked, "Like different name, pronouns, I don't know...I don't really know how this works." Ilya laughed nervously, Shane laughing along.
"Uh...no my name is fine. I - maybe you could use they/them on me sometimes." Shane muttered flushing red again slightly embarrassed.
"Of course moya lyubov." Ilya replied.
"Not in front of anyone else though." Shane quickly added panic in his voice.
"No, no I will not." Ilya squeezed Shane slightly to comfort him.
"You could probably tell your parents, or the team they would not mind." Ilya suggested carefully causing Shane to shake their head widly.
"No, no, I-I can't. I'm not ready for that Ilya." Shane insisted, fear in his eyes.
"Okay, okay, you don't have to if you are not ready. Just want you to know I do not think they would react badly." Ilya commented, gently cupping Shane's face again.
"Yeah...yeah maybe." Shane mumbled.
"Okay so I call you 'them' sometimes, anything else?" Ilya asked kissing Shane's forehead.
"I can't really do anything else." Shane mumbled.
"You can." Ilya insisted.
"Ilya." Shane sighed, "No-one can know."
"Yes but you can do little things. Grow your hair if you want or wear other stuff at home, you don't have to be this perfect masculine man Shane." Ilya insisted.
"But...what if people say things?" Shane asked nervously.
"You worry too much solnyshko. How many guys in the league have long hair for man, or earrings? I have necklace on Shane, no one has ever said anything about it." Ilya explained.
"Wouldn't it look weird if I suddenly did all that though?" Shane asked.
"Do it slowly then." Ilya stated.
"You say it like its so easy." Shane muttered.
"It will not be easy, Shane, but I think you are making it too hard. You do not have to, obviously, but you can do something small, if you want, just to make it easier." Ilya explained gently stroking Shane's cheek with the back of his finger.
"Maybe." Shane dismissed turning his head so his cheek was pushed in Ilya's chest again.
"Plus would look very hot in a dress." Ilya commented, his brain already filling with images of Shane in all kind of dresses: short, long, red, black, with low cut necklines, or slits up the side, the way they would clutch their waist and show off his muscles.
" If you want that." Ilya added quickly realised he had maybe gotten a bit ahead of himself.
"No, I-I want that." Shane muttered.
Ilya groaned playfully before speaking again, "Good because you would look so sexy. I would not be able to keep my hand off you Hollander. Would not make it out the door if you wanted to, my mouth too busy around you cock."
"Ilya." Shane sighed jokingly.
"What I cannot fantasise about my boyfriend?...partner? Is boyfriend okay?" Ilya asked.
"Boyfriends okay, partner is too I think." Shane commented.
"Okay." Ilya squeezed Shane slightly around the waist, silently proud of how open Shane was being about this.
"What about girlfriend?" Ilya asked causing Shane to shudder against him. Ilya smiled brightly leaning down to whisper in Shane's ear, "Girlfriend, my girlfriend, podruga."
"Ilya." Shane pushed Ilya away teasingly so he could look up at him his face bright red, "I'm going to get hard again if you keep talking like that."
"Ah." Ilya shrugged uncaringly, "I have been hard since talking about you in dress."
Shane shifted slightly so they could feel Ilya's hard dick against his thigh smiling up at Ilya once he confirmed Ilya was telling the truth. Shane pushed his thigh into Ilya's dick causing the man to groan as he flipped them over sucking hickeys into Shane's chest uncaring of what the guys might say in locker room later, content to have sex again, and if Shane came multiple times to Ilya whispering 'good girl' or 'girlfriend' into his ear no-one else needed to know.