Work Text:
Dear Dazai.
When is my turn to escape? You fled to the agency, leaving only memories behind.
Yet I wish to escape only your mind. Your hand, your control, please, feast it upon another poor soul.
You never said it outwardly, never hit, never told. Though, I felt it through all of my bones.
My anger, that you seemed to love to provoke, oh how you made me mad before.
But now, I don't feel like that, I don't feel at all.
I don't feel sadness due to your leave. Not disappointed, nor safe.
You can come back, I know you're not dead... And it somehow makes me feel a little scared.
Not that I'll admit, I won't say out loud... But you used to make me feel like complete trash.
You'd pick on my height, my hair color, my eyes. You'd say I'm aggressive, but I don't mean to bite.
You'd call me shameless, you'd say dog, and I followed as if the leash you held was tied around my neck.
A brute, a wreck, a monster. Am I?
Your hair is too bright, you'd say, and I started to think I should tone it down.
Your height is too short, you claimed, and I even bought platform shoes.
You're so rough, you made me believe, and now, I feel bad after every outburst.
Do I really disgust you that much? Is my appearance grossing you out?
Am I recoiling, is it that you're looking at me from pity?
Maybe you took me in only from your grace. After all, what is such a useless dog on it's own?
Unable to follow commands. Unable to catch a bone and bring it back. Ah. What a failure. Maybe that's because I'm not a hound?
Though, you did make me believe I'm not human enough. How my heartbeat was off, how my reactions weren't classified for that race.
You stripped me of my humanity, reducing me to nothing but an animal. Made me believe all I'm made to do is sit on your command.
So I did. I even waited under the door, being good for you.
I still sometimes find myself waiting. As if you were still pulling the leash even if you're far away and not near.
Yet then... Then there were the other moments. One's I cannot forget.
How you looked at me when we were alone. Or how you called me your partner all along.
You said we're a team, we work together, even though I sometimes felt as if I was the one working for you.
You said we're even, that we might even be alike, but I'd never do what you have done.
The boss said that only a diamond can polish another diamond, but I only feel as if you were dulling my shine instead of polishing it.
You dragged me away from Kyoyou-san, saying I was your dog and should stick to your side.
You said it was out of care. Because something will happen to me if I'm alone, after all, a lot of people would want to use me for my ability.
And you said you'll keep me safe. Secure. Protected. So why do I feel so uneasy with you out of everyone?
You sometimes challenged me. Made some bets.
Said if I get into a fight with the toughest guy, without using my ability and win you'll buy me wine.
And so I did.
And I won. Of course I did. I'm strong, aren't I? But I did get bruised. One or two scars showed up.
They weren't inflicted by you personally... But it felt as if they were.
But I'm strong, what's a little pain to someone like me?
But if I'm strong... Why do I feel weak beside you?
I heard many people use the term of being 'weak in the knees' as an analogy to love.
But I felt weak as if I was deprived.
Not in the way of wanting to fall into your arms, it was in a way of where I wanted to scream and cry and punch you hard.
But you didn't do anything, so why would I get physical? I would be the one in the wrong then. I would be the one guilty.
So why does it feel as if you did something horrible to me, that left me this... Fragile?
Why do I feel fear coming up when someone mentions you?
Am I afraid you'll come back?
But we're a pair, we're partners, I should be happy for you to get back. So why am I scared?
Deep in my heart, I know why.
I'm afraid. Afraid you'll start treating me like that again if you get back.
That I'll lose whatever sense of humanity I have again. That I'll be reduced into an aggressive dog.
You never hit me or outwardly forced me to something.
So why did it feel like it whenever you made those bets and said that if I'll do it, you'll give me a reward?
I never wanted to fight that guy. The bruises hurt. It hurt. So why did I do it? To please you? Because I felt that if I won't I'll be a wuss? I had the chance to disagree.
I once did disagree to one of your bets.
You told me, to call Ane-san idiotic. But I can't hurt her like that. Even though I know she won't get hurt, I know I will regret it much.
So I called you insane, and tried to move on.
But... For a long time after I disagreed... You went distant. You stopped acknowledging me. You got moody, Mori-san even told me you cancelled our mission.
We're partners, why did you cancel?
We work as a pair, so why are you ignoring me now?
I felt bad. I felt as if I somehow failed. Should I have said yes? Is saying no forbidden? Was it rude?...
So I apologized. I said I didn't mean to be rude if I was... And you sighed.
You said you forgive me, but you feel sad by what I did. I never knew you could get sad. I'm sorry.
So I never disagreed again, I always said yes, no matter how obscure it was, no matter how much I didn't want to do it.
Because if I did, you'd get sad.
You never ordered me to hurt myself outwardly... But you bet me to go into fights you knew I'd struggle with.
So by the end of the day I ended up with bruises and scratches anyway. But they weren't physically inflicted by you. So it's not valid.
And you'd treat those scars for me when we got back. You'd say how you were worried for me while I fought...
And it made me feel cared for, for once.
But then you'd tell me to do something dangerous again. As if... You weren't worried at all actually?
No, no, that's a stupid thought... You're definitely worried, you said it out loud. And you don't lie. You wouldn't lie to your partner, right?
I'm your partner, your other half. You wouldn't do anything to harm me, right?
But you never let me say no. You never let me go against your words. You'd always drag me into situations where I'd get hurt. You told me to do things I didn't want. You picked on my appearance in a way that made me despise every part you didn't accept.
You left now too. So the feeling should leave too? So why did it stay in some way? Not the same of course.
Whenever I'm alone on a mission... I start thinking.
Whenever I stay in my apartment, I wonder...
Was I not enough for you in the end?
I did everything you asked.
I was good.
I changed the parts of me you didn't like.
So why did you leave me now? I was everything you wanted, no?
I tried to make myself be everything you want.
Maybe in the end... I failed at that. Maybe I truly just wasn't enough.
Maybe I should've done more.
Maybe I should've changed myself more.
Maybe I should've listened more.
Maybe I should've been more.
But now you left. And I'm trying, really hard, not to miss you.
Which is weird. If I really hated what you did. If I really felt bad because of you. If I really hated being controlled by you...
Why do I miss you?
Yet, at the end of this time, scars healed, bruises faded and words turned into just memories...
And you never hit, never yelled, never shown the bad side of yourself to others, I never said anything about the way you treat me to others...
So how can I say you treated me wrong if I have no evidence of that?
— Your dog, Chuuya.