Chapter Text
Peace of mind was a luxury, a privilege he wished he had. It's not that his life is eventful, but it's not peaceful enough for him to sleep peacefully at night.
Since childhood, he knew that normality was not for him. An abusive father was what convinced him that he would never be normal, that he would never allow him to be normal, not while he was his son. Years later, he learned to appreciate the calm he had when his family grew. They were no longer two defenseless children who were afraid when their mother went to work. Now he was an adult, one who protected his family no matter what, one who was no longer afraid of the world, not like before.
"No," Will's voice echoed in the kitchen. His stew was getting cold while he listened to Jane.
"Don't be rude, we were both invited," his sister said as she put the spoon in her mouth, not looking at him, while Will waited for his plate.
"It's not being rude, I need to study for my exam. You can go if you want," Will said as he blew on his spoon, tasting the food he had heated up a few minutes ago.
Jane puts her spoon down on her plate and looks at Will, raising an eyebrow as she picks up her phone to look something up. Will is still blowing on his food when Jane shows him her phone—it's his schedule.
"Your exam isn't until next month." The smile Will receives is one he wants to keep for the rest of his life. He smiles and raises his hands, excusing himself. "Come on, come with me. You know I don't like going to parties alone."
Will thinks about it, really thinks about it. He wasn't a fan of going to parties, clubs, or gatherings where people drink and meet new people. He wasn't an introvert, but he wasn't the most extroverted person in the world either. He liked to stay where he was, at home with his family, with his things. The only parties he went to were to accompany his sister or small outings with his college friends.
He feels his food getting cold, so he starts to eat. "We'll go for a while, say hello, and if I see you drunk, we'll come back, understood?"
Jane rolls her eyes. "Yes, Dad."
He watches as the girl gets up from the stool and leaves her plate in the sink, returning to her room. He, on the other hand, stays in the kitchen, which was next to the living room, looking closely at the small spaces in the house and beginning to feel nostalgic. The empty living room made him feel strange.
Jonathan and his mother no longer lived in their old house. With his part-time jobs, they had saved enough to buy a new house, one that was bigger, cleaner, but no less cozy. A house that was theirs alone.
He still remembered his old house. It wasn't that he hated it, but he didn't want to stay there anymore, remembering the fights, the blows, the crying, the screaming. But he also remembered the laughter, the songs that echoed through the house, the days when the three of them were hidden from the world.
"It's not my fault that..."
Will sighed. His head was starting to hurt, and the food didn't taste as good as it had a moment ago. He left his bowl half-finished and began tidying up the kitchen. It wasn't good for him to remember so much. He glanced at the clock.
7:50 p.m.
"Jane!" Will shouted from the kitchen, heading to the hallway where the bedrooms were, waiting for the girl to come out when he called her. "What time was the party?"
The door opens and he sees Jane wearing makeup, which Jonathan had given her for her 18th birthday. "Uh, it's at 7, but everyone goes after 8, you know, you should just get dressed."
He nodded and felt the door close in his face. He went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. When he was a child, he thought he wasn't handsome, that he wasn't attractive enough to attract people. As the years passed and he grew up, he realized that it was quite the opposite: if his personality didn't attract people, his physical appearance did.
After accepting himself as gay after so many years, he thought that men wouldn't look at him, that he wouldn't even be able to choose his type of guy. It was a thought that sometimes crossed his mind, settling for any guy who was interested in him just because he was gay, out of pity.
"Are you ready yet? It's already 8 o'clock." She listens and the mirror becomes blurry, she washes her face and leaves.
"Damn, wait for me, I'll get dressed quickly." Jane looks at him and frowns, her makeup is clean, at night, she looks like a princess.
The bathroom was across from her room. She went in and kicked the door shut to look in her chair for the clean clothes Jonathan had picked up a few days ago. Her style had improved over the years. She wore looser clothes and muted colors. She still wore yellow T-shirts, but she rarely went out in them.
The drive to the party was quiet. "A Forest" by The Cure was playing on the radio. They had made a few stops to buy two cans while driving. The streets were still crowded, the shops were lively, as were the nightclubs hidden on the corners.
The air had messed up his hair, and he sneezed twice before Jane scolded him for sleeping with the window open, knowing how cold it gets in the early morning. Will rolled his eyes and stuck his head out a little; he liked feeling the air on his skin, suffocating him.
The house was large, people came and went without any problems, there were couples kissing in the trees outside the property and others climbing the stairs near the window while holding hands. Will wondered how many rooms the house had to see so many couples going up.
"Whose party was it?" Will looks around as he gets out of the car, puts his hands in his pants pockets, and waits for Jane to be by his side to start walking into the house.
"A friend of Robin's." The house was beautiful, and people crowded around the drinks table waiting for their turn. Will felt his sister squeeze his arm. He looked at her, and she pointed to a group they knew well. He shook his head, Jane nodded, and pulled him closer to them.
Max and Lucas were talking to a guy Will didn't know, they had beers in their hands, and he could swear Max had a cigarette in the other.
"Max!" Jane exclaimed. The redhead turned and smiled, hugged her sister, and said something Will couldn't hear over the music.
"God, Jane, you look beautiful!" Max handed her beer to Lucas, who took it, and Will felt her let go of him to take the other girl's hand.
The girls start talking, Will feels a gaze on him and returns it, Lucas smiles at him and takes a sip from his can, the boy had left shortly after Jane and Max started talking to each other.
"Hey, how's it going?" Will knows he's not good at breaking the tension by talking, so he just says what he thinks is right after not talking to an old friend for years.
"Hello, well, overwhelmed by the crowd," he says quietly, "and you?"
He thinks he did well, he did well. Lucas speaks to him, "Don't even mention it, I came here to relax because of the tests that are suffocating me, and now I'm almost suffocating here."
Will laughs. He always liked that Lucas was spontaneous and funny. He feels his shirt being tugged and hears a voice in his ear.
"I'm going to say hi to some friends with Max, I'll call you if anything happens." The female voice in his ear tickles him and he nods, watching as the two girls begin to slip away among the crowd.
He continues talking to Lucas throughout the night. They don't bring up the subject at any point, they just drink can after can and talk about every person who passes in front of them. The hours go by and he feels the alcohol in his system. He laughs a lot, talks shamelessly, and has a tremendous urge to urinate. Damn.
He tells Lucas he's going to the bathroom quickly, Lucas nods and continues drinking in the same place. He is pushed so many times that he thinks he has gone around the kitchen at least twice, he goes upstairs and sees couples kissing, the sound makes him want to vomit so he runs.
Now he's the one pushing people aside and opening the bathroom door to vomit in the bathtub. Damn whoever lowered the toilet seat before leaving.
He washes his hands, mouth, and face, looks at himself, and his eyes can't focus. He feels like he needs to pee. He finishes and washes again, leans on the sink, lowers his head, closes his eyes, and begins to breathe slowly. It's not that he doesn't drink; he does. He just doesn't drink enough to become his father.
"But we're not kids anymore."
"Shit."
"I mean, what did you think, really?
"Fucking shit."
"That we were never gonna get girlfriends?
"Damn it!"
And the doorbell rings. He's in the bathroom with his fists clenched, and the doorbell rings. They wait for Will to stop hallucinating like the lunatic he is, because of course he is. That's what Will is: crazy.
He comes out and sees a couple come in, the girl laughs as the guy kisses her neck and locks the door in front of Will.
The stairs are no longer moving, his gaze can focus well and he can make out people's faces. He looks for his sister or at least to find out where Max is so he can ask him if Jane is okay. When he finds her long brown hair, he sighs and smiles.
And then she sees who he's talking to, a boy with black curly hair. The air leaves her lungs and suddenly everything is clear, nothing is spinning anymore. She clenches her fist and pushes people aggressively, she doesn't apologize, she just keeps walking.
He reaches Jane and pulls her to his side. She opens her eyes but says nothing, knowing she shouldn't say anything. She stays behind Will and lowers her head, biting her lips and frowning. She's too dizzy to even explain how she got there.
Then he sees him. Will was always attracted to the fact that he was taller than him. He liked his smell, how his hands grabbed him and pulled him closer for a hug. He liked it when he defended him from the people who bullied him at school, but now, now it's Will who is stronger than him.
The music continues to play, but the sigh the boy lets out is so loud that Jane snaps out of her trance and decides to look at them. She sees her brother's face, a sea of endless emotions. She can see the hatred, the fury, the envy, the sadness, the disappointment, but she can also see the love, affection, and hope with which Will looked at him.
"Will..." The male voice comes out in a whisper and Will trembles, his nerves on edge. He turns his head to look at Jane, searching for some sign of sadness or even a tear, but all he sees is emptiness, an emptiness that Will and his family have tried to fill.
"What were you saying to her?" Will's loud voice makes the people around them fall silent.
She doesn't answer, they can only look into each other's eyes. "Tell me what you said to Jane, Mike."
And saying her name must not have been so peaceful, so calming that for a second he was able to relax his shoulders, but then he remembered that it wasn't about the name or him, it must have been the alcohol, he thought.
Mike laughs incredulously, looks to the side and sees Max with her arms crossed; of course she knows too. "Nothing, I haven't told her anything."
He runs his hands through his hair, and Will watches in slow motion as his curls fall onto his forehead, where almost invisible freckles rest.
"Just... don't go near her," he sighs and turns to grab his sister. As he starts to walk away, he hears,
"So is it okay if it's you??" he shouts. People stare at them, and Will feels the urge to vomit again. He lets go of Jane and turns to see Mike getting closer.
Will looks for some kind of sign that this is a joke, laughs without shame, a laugh that breaks and damages his vocal cords.
"What the hell are you talking about? You're drunk, Mike, get lost." The hatred, confusion, and nostalgia that comes out every time he says his name makes the urge to leave even stronger.
"I want to talk to her, to you guys..." There is silence. Mike hesitates. "...to you, Will. Let me talk to you."
"Don't mess with me!" Will shouts, his anger coming out like a roar. The music is now low, everyone is watching, and others are recording. Max approaches him and says, "Let's go outside. I'll go find Lucas."
"No, we're leaving now," Will says flatly, grabbing Jane and taking her to the exit. The door is open, but there are people in the way. He pushes them aside and steps over their feet. He hears curses behind him, but he couldn't care less. Before he even leaves the lawn, he hears a scream.
"William!" His blood tingles, he wants to tear off his skin to scratch himself, he wants to stop everything.
"Go inside," he tells the girl, and she nods.
Will turns and looks at him, seeing the boy who had taken his breath away every time he entered a room for years. The boy lived inside his drawings, every detail remembered in Will's head, every shout defending his friend, every blow he endured so that Mike's name would not be tarnished.
"What's wrong with you!?" Now that he's close to him, he only feels discomfort, anger, resentment. "So many years have passed and you're angry because I talked to her, as if I were going to hurt her?!"
"It wouldn't be the first time you've done it," he retorts.
"I... I would never..."
"That's the problem with you, Mike, you think everyone else is going to be okay just because you've decided to vent or say what you think. You're the only one who gets that peace!" He hated having to yell to prove a point, he felt like he was becoming his father, a violent, ignorant being. But he had been putting up with so much all this time.
"Is that it... It's about that day, isn't it?" Mike opens his eyes, Will can see irritated eyes, he doesn't know if it's because of drugs or because he's about to cry.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"That day, Will, the rainy day. When you left on your bike and when I went to look for you, you weren't at home."
He didn't go looking for him, that's a lie. Mike is lying like he always did.
"You didn't go to my house."
Mike frowned, exhaled, and spoke again. "Yes, I did."
"That's enough, I'm leaving. Tell Max and Lucas we'll be in touch."
Will turns around and starts walking away, feeling a hand on his arm. He was desperate; he didn't really want to do it, but it just caught him off guard and the grip was too strong.
The first blow was from him, the second was received by him, the third, fourth, and fifth were from both of them. People were shouting around them. Mike was lying on the grass and Will was on top of him, hitting him over and over as he watched the curly-haired guy cover himself. Every blow Mike tried to land was in vain. Will had trained and practiced so that no one could touch him, to protect himself.
The adrenaline inside him was so blinding that he didn't remember he was hitting Mike until Lucas picked him up and left him at the car door.
Will was sweating, his chest rising and falling so fast that Lucas thought he was about to witness a heart attack.
"Will, hey, hello, are you with me?" Lucas sought his gaze as he rubbed his arms. His voice was so sweet, so full of concern, that it triggered Will to breathe.
"I didn't... I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry Lucas. I shouldn't have left. I didn't want to leave." Will sobbed, feeling hot and his vision blurring again. "I'm like him, I'm just like him. I have to go or I'll hurt you, I'll hurt... I'll hurt..."
"Hey, it's okay, everything's fine. Come on, get in and get some sleep. Let's go home, okay?" Lucas says, opening the back door of the car. He can smell his sister's perfume. He curls up in the back seat and starts crying again.
"Mike... Mike... Mike..." he says in a choked voice, murmuring the other boy's name until he sees only blackness and falls asleep.
He didn't dare open his eyes if he knew he had arrived home. If the alcohol had worn off on the way, he didn't say so. The shame he felt inside was so great that he preferred to pretend to be drunk until he was alone in his room, listening to Lucas and Jane whispering in the living room, talking about what had happened.
Talking about him and Mike, about the friendship between the four of them, or the six of them as time went by. If Will heard Jane's sobs or her confusion about why she had distanced herself from Lucas, he did nothing.
It was better that way, that he did nothing, that no one knew anything.