Chapter Text
Its chillier than it should be for only late September and Nya wishes she had taken a light jacket with her on her stop at the Monastery to check progress and solo grocery run.
'Oh well.' She muses, as the elevator doors slide open for her and she presses the bottom with the fading 3 on it. She's home now anyway.
Or whatever could be considered home, considering this was another season of living out of a random crammed apartment as the Monastery is being rebuilt.
"We'll be home home before we know it," Zane's tired mantra rings in her head as she unlocks the front door. She holds back a sigh as the cloth grocery bags falls to the floor. She knows he's right and is just trying to keep them all staying somewhat positive, but she misses home. She can't believe she ever thought the ocean was good enough for her.
"Hello?" She calls out, kicking off her shoes. "Anyone home?"
She's met with silence. The guys must be either be out on patrol or somewhere training and Pixal had said she was going to go to her father's today.
She goes to the kitchen and starts putting the groceries away, going through a mental checklist of everything she bought, and turns around to reach for the granola bars only to find Lloyd standing in the doorway.
She nearly drops the can of olives she is holding in surprise. "Fuck Lloyd, where did you even come from?"
His shoulders move in a loose shrug under his sweatshirt. The hood is pulled up over his head so she can't exactly see his expression.
"You want a snack? I went to the grocery store after stopping at the Monastery and I brought the cherry pop-tarts just for you."
He shakes his head.
She swallows the desire to push and softens her tone instead, moving to close the cabinet door to maintain some sense of normalcy. "Did you even eat lunch?"
"It doesn't matter."
She notices how he won't budge from the doorway or make any move to come further into the kitchen. "Of course it matters."
He doesn't say anything but the fabric of his hoodie shifts and she almost catches his eye.
There's a noted pause in the air.
Her instincts battle against each other. "I was going to start the rice so Zane isn't stressing when they get home. Do you want to help me?"
"No."
"Are you just going to stand there and watch me then?" She tries to tack on a teasing lilt to her tone. Normal, normal, normal. Be normal.
"No." He slips away, and she stares at the empty spot in the doorway as she listens to him shuffle down the hall. The bedroom door closes and it doesn't slam exactly, but it still shuts too hard.
Maybe that is just in her mind.
She pops her headphones in, pressing play on one of her background-noise playlists, and starts washing the rice. She's just putting it on a pot on the stove when the front door opens again, with a bit of a bang this time, and then Kai and Zane are breezing in.
"Hi." Kai smiles at her, tired and slightly crooked, running a hand through his hair. "What'cha making?"
"Nothing really. Just starting the rice since we needed more to go with the leftovers."
"Thank you Nya. I was planning to come home and do that."
"I know." She smiles at Zane as he comes around the counter to wash his hands at the sink. "But I wasn't sure when you guys would be done. Where are Cole and Jay?"
"We split up to come back on different routes. Ours was slightly shorter but they should be here any minute."
Kai opens the pantry. "Ooh pop-tarts."
"No!" Nya snatches it from his hand. "No one eats pop-tarts before dinner. You can have a carrot or something."
"A carrot?" He tries to reach around her to grab the box but she ducks under his arm and laughs. "No way. Gross. Gimme the pop-tarts."
"No." She goes behind Zane, using him as a shield. "These are for Lloyd."
Kai instantly stops trying to wrestle it out of her hand and goes stock still. "Oh."
Zane is looking at her with a strange look in his eyes and she opens and closes her mouth. She feels the weird urge to explain herself. "He used to love these so much. I just thought that maybe they would make him feel better. A little more normal."
Normal. There it is again. A twisted, haunting word. One that most people spent their whole life chasing and trying to find the meaning of.
"That was very considerate of you Nya. Perhaps they will help."
He doesn't say the hopefully but she hears it anyway. Her hands tighten around the box a little.
Kai glances away, clearing his throat and refusing to meet her eye. "I'm going to go shower before dinner. Is Lloyd in the bathroom?"
"No." Nya's voice comes out more clipped than she'd like. "He was in the bedroom."
Where he's been since.
He nods wearily, disappearing past the doorway. Nya watches him go.
"Nya."
"Hmm?"
"You can put the pop-tarts away in the pantry you know?"
"Oh. Right." She tucks them away like she is tucking something more important than pop-tarts away, then closes the cupboard door with a final thud.
…
The budding autumn air is cold against his face.
Lloyd used to love looking out at the city lights. They used to make him feel excited, hopeful even.
Like everything would be okay because every light represented a whole person who was out there.
But now that all just seemed like a lie. Like an illusion of hope when beyond that the sky was totally, eerily black.
He scales down the fire escape as quietly as he can. The city, never truly quiet, rings and hums with 2am noise.
He lands on the pavement of the sidewalk with both feet. Buries his hands in his hoodie pockets and starts walking.
He doesn't really know where he's going but anywhere is better than the apartment. Anywhere is better than having to bear witness to everyone's concerned faces and quiet looks behind his back they think he can't sense. Anything is better than them stepping around him, treating him like a glass doll about to shatter. Anything is better than having to stare at his uncle and be quietly furious at him for everything.
Everything honestly doesn't even cover all the things he should be furious at him for.
He kicks a pebble onto the grass, his heart doing an angry flip in his chest. At least outside he could keep moving. Keep going, keep feeling the air against his face.
As long as no one saw him and no one found out, nobody would expect anything from him.
The field in the park is bathed in moonlight and a sense of calm washes over him. He loves coming here and sitting on the tree stumps until he can muster up enough energy to go back and do it all over again. When its daytime and the grass is dry he'll lay down and watch the clouds float in the sky, as sad as his soul.
He sits down. Almost reaches for his phone to see how much time he has but then remembers he left it at home so no one could track his location and come get him. He can't even imagine the heart attack they would all have if they woke up at 2 something in the morning to find the blankets tossed on his air mattress empty.
“At least they get to move on,” his brain bitterly retorts and that thought alone just makes him angry again. That was selfish. He was selfish. He didn’t actually want his family to be miserable forever.
And he knew, deep down, that nobody would be moving on anytime soon. Not from Nya being gone, one with the ocean, and then coming back, not from the Overlord, not from their home exploding or having to fight an army to take back their city.
But none of them had to move on from what happened after. None of them except him.
A breeze whooshes through his hair, almost knocking his hoodie off. He stares at his hands, willing them not to spark with all the emotion in him,
He refuses to think about it. He refuses, he refuses, he refuses, -
He focuses every ounce of energy he has into resisting the thought.
Resisting.
He thinks he hates that word.
He knows everybody expects him to talk about It. Somewhere in him he feels like talking about it will confirm how stupid he is. How he has hope for things that are hopeless.
Had. He doesn't have it anymore. He doesn't have anything anymore. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. He wondered when would be the hit that he can't get up from and while he's not surprised that its finally happened, he's surprised that its this one. He's surprised that after the variety of hits he's taken recently, for some reason this is the one that's doing him in and shutting him down.
He knows everyone is waiting for him to stop this quiet act and start talking again.
But he just can't. He finds that he has no idea what is even left to say. He can't fake-confidence his way out of this one.
Not without accepting that he's once again feeling grief for something he never had.
He hates how draining every small act to get through the days feel. Lloyd has definitely been depressed before, and they were a few seasons of life that were so dark and miserable he could barely function, but this was like so many levels of darkness and misery clashing all at once, along with a strong feeling of guilt. He got his sister back, he got the city back, he's alive, he has his whole family with him, they're going to be going back home soon, it should be relativity easy to go back to what once was and work on healing. He's done this before. But -
It isn't working this time. He thought he could bounce back, but then his uncle had come home after rushing to -
and his face had been all -
and he had said -
and Lloyd hadn't believed him. Not at first.
He had to check for himself.
But there was no denying it once he did.
Logically he knows its not his uncle's fault. He knows that there are so many complicated reasons behind the way Lloyd's life turned out. He knows that in a sense, he was doomed from the second he was born and that his life was a web of history and tragedy that had already been spun before he was born.
But he thought he had learned that he did have choice and he did have power over his own life.
That was clearly not the truth though, not when his entire image of having a good life was still hung up on this one thing, this one person, and now -
It was pathetic really. How many times could someone be disappointed by someone else before they give up on them?
But giving up on someone and stopping yourself from loving them were two very different things.
The air blows a little harder. His fingers and toes are starting to get cold. He stands up.
And walks in the direction away from home.
…
Kai hates when there are things he couldn't fix. He hates it so much he feels like exploding. His entire life he had wanted to take away other's pain. Take away Nya's pain, take away Lloyd's pain, and when he can't take away someone's pain, it makes him want to rip his skin off, like an answer will be hiding in his organs, nestled between his ribcage, living in every beat of his heart.
But he couldn't fix this and he couldn't rip his skin away.
He knocks tentatively on the door. Its been a full 24 hours and he doesn't really know what master Wu has been eating in there.
There is no response so he knocks on the doorframe again before just pushing open the door.
"Master." He breathes out, ignoring the fact that he is sitting cross-legged on the floor, meditating. Who knows how long he's been sitting like that for. "You should come out and have something to eat."
Wu doesn't respond, his eyes shut firmly and stubbornly closed.
Kai waits.
"Leave me be Kai."
"No." His own stubborn streak makes an appearance. "You need to eat something. I know you're a homebody but you need to live the house. You need to come with us to check on the Monastery repairs."
"The others will handle that."
"They need your help. We all need you."
Wu finally opens his eyes at that and the look in them is tired enough to explain every wrinkle on his face.
"Fill my kettle if you must have something to do."
"Tea is not enough. You need real food." Kai considers stamping his foot on the ground for a second like a child.
Wu doesn't say anything, just blinks tiredly a few times, and Kai opts for sighing loudly instead and going to get the kettle.
He fills it with cold water so it'll take longer to boil and give him more time to work with, turns on the stove, and marches to the bedroom.
Cole is sitting on the edge of the bed tugging on his socks. Kai steps across the room, grabs his arm, and yanks him up.
"Kai wha -"
"Just come with me."
He drags him down the hall to Wu's bedroom and kicks the door open again. "Master Wu."
"Hmm?"
Kai gestures at Cole to say something, ignoring his confused expression.
"Um, Master Wu, you need to eat something."
Wu opens his eyes right away at the sound of Cole's voice and Kai can't help but feel a twitch of smugness that his plan worked. "See, Master, even Cole agrees."
Wu sighs again and Kai is quickly getting tired of that sound. "I am fine. I will eat when I am hungry."
Kai glares at Cole and Cole keeps talking. "Well we were all going to go to the Monastery today and do some repairs and it would be nice if you come with us. Or at least maybe take a walk? I could go with you."
Wu keeps his eyes open for a second longer, long enough to make it seem like he's considering it, but then he sighs again and closes his eyes. "I can't leave the house right now. I am a walking sign of shame."
Cole looks at Kai helplessly but Kai can't help but feel angry. He lets go of Cole's arm. "Don't you think that you at least owe it to Lloyd to check in on him?"
Wu flinches.
Kai refuses to feel bad.
When he talks next, his voice is meek. "I cannot look at Lloyd right now. I cannot look at him and see everything that's been lost."
Kai feels himself just getting angrier. He ignores the way Cole tugs on his hand, clearly trying to get him to go with him.
"That is the stupidest excuse I have ever heard and you have made lots of excuses for lots of things over the years."
Master Wu doesn't even open his eyes at that and maybe that's what makes Kai angriest. "My tea Kai."
Kai huff and turns on his heel, marching away and dragging Cole with him.
He slams the cabinet door with the cups louder than necessary. The kettle goes off, loud and shrill, identical to the way he feels. "I know talking about things is hard, and facing your feelings and dealing with your shit is hard, but how is it healthy for anyone that he sits in that room 24/7 with his thoughts and avoids everyone?" He snarls. The hot water splashes on his hand a little from how sloppily he pours it but the heat dissolves into his skin and he doesn't even flinch.
"He's always done this when things get overwhelming. When Nya was gone -, " Cole pauses for a second before continuing and Kai pretends not to notice, "he threw himself into his work at the library. Trying to find a way to save her."
"Yeah, but locking himself away and not talking to Lloyd out of shame or whatever is not a solution!" Kai would be damned if he ever let shame ruin things between him and Lloyd.
"It's sucks and its unfair but I think we just need to give him time. Both of them time. We're coming off a really hard year and now the Monastery is gone plus -," Cole shakes his head, not saying it. "It's a lot of grief all at once."
Kai scowls but it isn't as harsh of one. He knows Cole is right, he just -
He hates not being able to fix things.
"I know you hate not being able to fix things." Cole says softly, reading his mind. "I get it. I want to protect everyone too. But this is just one of those times where we have to let things run their course and trust it will be okay again."
Nya appears in the doorway before Kai can respond, wearing her getting-her-hands-dirty clothes, and throwing her hair up into a ponytail. "You guys ready to go?"
"Yeah." Cole nods, taking the cup from Kai. "I'll be right back."
Nya glances at Kai nervously. "You wanna ask Lloyd if he's gonna come?"
Kai groans. "You know he's not going to come Nya."
"Just ask him."
Kai would refuse. He would. But Nya is looking at him in that way she barely needs to look at him now, in that way that holds so much hope and childlike belief in him that Kai just can't.
"Okay." Now he's sighing all over the place too. "I'll go ask."
…
Nya taps Pixal's shoulder until she looks up and flips her eye cover up. "Hello Nya."
"Hi." Nya debates on it for a second but then leans over to give her a hug and Pixal drops the power tool she is holding just to hug her back. It feels good. "I thought you were going to come home last night?"
Pixal hesitates, eyes darting away. "I am sorry. I ended up staying the night with my Dad. I needed a break."
Nya nods too quickly. "I understand. It has been cramped."
And heavy.
She swallows hard. "How's your Dad?"
Pixal's eyes brighten slightly. "He is good. Busy these days. The city has reached out to him for his help on repairs. He is drawing new blueprints." She glances back. "I figured I would start while I was waiting for you. Did you all come?"
Nya nods. "Yeah. Except -"
Her eyes dim again. "Except Lloyd?"
"Yeah. Kai tried to convince him but-" She trails off. "I don't know what to do Pix."
That is bone-deep terrifying to admit out loud.
Pixal sighs heavily, placing the power tool in her hands. "I know."