Chapter Text
It hadn't struck them the first few times. Up until recently nearly all their opponents had been sentries - robots, mindless drones that were kind of fun to smash. When they were shooting down other ships, it was easy to believe that they were the same.
A casualty free war. Like a simulator.
If only.
Even the first few times they had faced off against actual Galran soldiers, it had been unnervingly easy to push the reality to the back of their minds. More focused on surviving against the ‘evil’ enemies who barely looked human anyway. If it wasn't such a risk to themselves, it might have even passed as a cool video game.
But then they got better. And they started to see.
It started with Hunk stumbling upon the broken body of a Galran soldier as he and Pidge salvaged from the wreckage. He had thrown up then and there. He was the first of them to falter. The reality clashing harshly with his naturally gentle personality. They all saw it shake him to his core. Shiro took him away for the rest of the day and in the morning his resolve had returned.
A similar sequence had played out with Pidge, who had looked, frozen, at Lance in the middle of a battle, covered in blood that wasn't hers and struggling not to hyperventilate. Lance had sworn colourfully and talked her down, keeping her mental breakdown at bay until they could get back to the Castle. For fuck’s sake, the girl was only fourteen . She should never have experienced some of the things she had. Fortunately, Pidge was fierce and determined; she hadn't needed help to come to terms with it, just grit her teeth and pushed forward. Hadn’t given herself any other option.
“Lance!”
And suddenly Lance in back in the present just in time to see Keith’s sword plunge through the neck of an opponent. It slid out again a moment later with a sharp tug, a waterfall of blood following in its wake.
“Stop zoning out! What the fuck is wrong with you today?”
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“Wrong with me ?! Are you seriously asking what the fuck is wrong with me ?! As if you can fucking talk?”
They were back in the control room, always the first stop after their lion’s hangars. Lance had rounded on Keith the minute the walked through the doors, not giving him any chance to prepare for the verbal onslaught.
“There is nothing wrong with me! I’m a normal fucking human! Gods, this is so fucked ! This situation is so messed up! Do you even realise that, Robot Man? Do you even have feelings?”
Lance didn’t even notice the looks shared by the other Paladins, nor Shiro’s attempt to step forward, only to be stopped by Hunk and a small shake of his head. Lance needed to let this out. He had finally broken. Hunk understood Lance more than any of the others; he knew that Lance had been pushing every single thing he felt aside for the sake of the team. To keep them positive, moving forward - together. He was allowed this one.
“Do you feel nothing when you kill another living being? Galra or not, they’re not that different from us! Yet you go around waving your fucking sword like it’s second nature! You’re a goddamn killing machine, Keith! You’re just another fucking monster!”
Everyone cringed at the words, and the way Lance’s voice broke as he screamed them into the Red Paladin’s face. But then he’s gone, storming out the door by the time anyone had a chance to react, leaving Keith momentarily stunned. Not even Allura or Coran knew what to do with this. None of them had ever seen Lance so angry, so wild, so… hurt.
Oh.
Shiro was the first to step forward.
“I’ll go talk to him, I think-”
“No.”
Everyone stared at Keith. He squirmed slightly under the scrutiny.
“I- Um. I’ve got this one. Just… let me try.”
He waits just long enough for Shiro to glance at Allura and then nod his permission. Keith could see it in his eyes - in everyone’s eyes - they didn’t think this was the best idea. Keith wasn’t exactly known for his people skills and handling emotional breakdowns. But he was certain that this time it was something only he could fix. He had never been more determined to at least try .
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Lance hadn’t been in his room, which was more than unusual. In his current frame of mind, Keith had assumed it would be the only place he would go. It was his ‘safe space’. But maybe he wasn’t there because he truly wanted to be left alone? The castle was huge, if he didn’t want to be found, Keith was not going to have any luck. For a moment, he doesn’t know where else to look, but he might as well tick the main rooms off his search.
The last place Keith had expected to find Lance was the Training Bay.
The taller, lanky boy had his bayard in one hand, firing shot after shot at reappearing targets. Keith walked into the room carefully. He didn’t think Lance would intentionally hurt him, but a stray shot from a gun held by the angry and unstable Paladin could do a lot of damage. He froze as Lance seemed to notice his presence and turned his face towards him. The sound of a breath being sucked in filled the sudden silence, but Keith hadn’t been able to stop the noise.
Lance’s face was red, his eyes puffy, tears still leaking from the corners, gaze slightly unfocused. Keith’s eyes flicked towards the targets. Even barely able to even see, Lance had still managed to get a bullseye shot on every single one for a perfect round score. Saying it was impressive was probably the understatement of Keith’s life. His short life if the look on Lance’s face was anything to go by.
“What the hell do you want, mullet?”
“To help. To talk.”
Lance isn’t an idiot, though often he seemed like one. It’s more that he’s just quick to talk and excitable and overbearingly enthusiastic about life. Usually. There isn’t a hint of that Lance showing right now and Keith knows that if he isn’t completely honest right now, Lance will shut him out.
Lance snorts and mutters.
“Sure. Help. Yeah, right.”
“Lance, I-”
Keith breaks off, not entirely sure what he needs to say. He leans against the wall as Lance points his gun at the targets again.
“Why are you in this room of all places?”
He doesn’t think Lance is going to answer at first, but he’s willing to wait patiently for the moment. The blast of the laser ‘bullets’ becomes a monotonous background noise before Lance finally speaks over it.
“Why not? If I’m stuck here being a mass murderer with delusions of heroism and grandeur, I might as well be fucking good at it. We can’t all be naturals like you.”
There was venom dripping from his voice, but Keith heard something else behind it. An emotion made even clearer when Lance swore loudly and rubbed at his eyes with his free hand. There was definitely sadness but also… fear? Of Keith? His gaze dropped to stare at the ground.
“I’m not a monster, Lance.” He all but whispered.
The repetitive gunfire ceased.
“I know.”
Keith’s head shot back up again. Lance was just standing there now, in the middle of the training room, head bowed, his rifle fading back to its bayard form.
“Then why…?” He trailed off.
“Because I'm envious, moron.” Lance’s voice was clipped and shaking with various emotions. Keith wisely kept his mouth shut.
“Because I can't keep up. You're just better and I hate it. You're a better pilot, a better fighter. You're smarter and cooler and just… Everything I'm not!”
Lance was getting more worked up the longer he ranted but Keith was too taken aback to do anything. He felt like such an idiot.
“And trust me, I know my stupid talk of rivalry is all one sided and you're so far ahead you don't even fuckin’ see me. But you're even a better killer . Not that that's anything to be jealous about, but shit, I thought even you would crack. I'm such a dead weight to this goddamn team…”
Keith fumed. Fumed at himself, at the other Paladins, at the Alteans, at their whole situation. Angry at anything that had made Lance feels so worthless. He couldn't find the right words to say and he was floundering. He needed to react somehow instead of staring at Lance gaping like a fish. On instinct, he pushed himself off the wall, strode over to Lance, and punched him in the gut. It wasn't hard, just enough to make the Blue Paladin bend forward with a gasp, a look of complete surprise on his face. But this was what they knew, this was how the two interacted; it was normalising and seemed to bring Lance back to the present.
Not that Keith gave him a moment to recover, getting in Lance’s face.
“Don't you fucking dare!” He was desperate, gripping onto Lance’s shoulders. He needed to make Lance see.
“Don't you dare sell yourself short, Lance! Do you seriously not see all the ways you outclass me? Look at those targets! There's no way I could shoot like that. You're optimistic and caring and make friends so much easier than I ever could.”
There were so many things he could write an essay. Lance’s self confidence, his drive to succeed, how fast he was at learning new things. He was a talented pilot just through pure determination and one of the most adaptable people he knew. Keith made a noise of frustration.
“I didn't write off the rivalry. I enjoyed it! I know I'm shit at this friend or team thing. But you've been pushing me and pushing me to improve, to keep up with you. We're supposed to be pulling each other up, not dragging each other down. Fuck, Lance, I need you.”
Keith hadn't quite realised the truth of his words until they were tumbling out of him, but he couldn't stop now.
“We're a good team, remember? We balance out and fill in the gaps. Please-” His voice finally wavered. “Please don't give up on me. I can't do this by myself.”
Keith scrunched his eyes closed, breathing hard. He felt drained. He didn't even open his eyes when he heard Lance choke out a sob and felt him fall into Keith’s chest, hands fisting in his shirt and tears soaking through. He simply let his legs buckle, leaning into the crying boy as they slid down the kneel on the floor.
They sat like that for a few moments, Keith vaguely aware of other figures in the entrance to the bay. The others must have showed up earlier to make sure nothing went too wrong. He vaguely wondered how much they had heard, but his focus was drawn back to Lance when he felt him shift, pulling back from Keith.
“Hey, Keith-?” A hiccup cut him off.
“Yeah?”
“How do you do it? How can you be so strong and not feel ?”
Keith wanted to answer that he wasn't strong. Lance was strong for holding himself together for so long. Pidge was strong for letting nothing get in her way. Hunk was strong, Shiro was strong, Allura and Coran were incredibly strong. He didn't feel strong at all. He felt numb more often than not, and he wasn't sure that was a good thing.
Instead of saying this though, he took a second to consider the question.
“I need to be.” He said slowly, then nodded, more sure of his answer. “Because if I don't do what needs to be done then I could lose everything.”
Keith wasn't strong. He was so, so weak.
“Before Voltron I had no one, nowhere, nothing. No one I would call family, except for Shiro, and then he disappeared as well. And now… Now I have you guys. And I have to protect you.”
He let out a humourless bark of laughter.
“It's selfish. I don't fight for Earth or the Universe or Altea or freedom or whatever. I fight to keep the people I care for safe so I'm not all alone again. I'm probably mentally fucked up, but I'm happy here with our team and I don't want to lose you to Zarkon.”
There it was. His entire reason for being, out in the open. Something so sappy and self centred and ridiculous. But it was the entire truth. And as he watched Lance’s face for a reaction, something changed. His face softened, the tears dried up, and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
Lance understood.
He didn't need to be a justice driven knight in shining armour. He didn't need to try to ignore what they were doing, try to justify it, or take the moral high ground. He just needed a reason to fight.
Family.
The biggest driving factor in nearly every other aspect of Lance’s life. His family back on Earth and his new family here with Voltron. Both of them. He would protect them. Let Allura take the road of morals and shoulder that burden, Lance was simply a soldier. And he was okay with that. That was all he needed to be to defend those he loved.
Keith followed Lance’s gaze as it turned to the other Paladins in the doorway, their eyes shining bright with a newfound fire, grins wry but fierce. They all had their reasons for being here and those reasons would keep them fighting until their last breath, no matter what means they had to employ.
Defenders of the Universe?
Bullshit. They weren't that noble.
They were kids, removing a threat to their home. And for them, that was enough.
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The team dynamic changed. It was a little slow at first, and unnoticed by most of them. It was seen though, especially from those looking in. Coran watched it happen with a mixed air of joy and regret. These Paladins had joined them less than a year ago and yet, despite their ages, they were no longer children. They were much too good at killing to be.
Innocence was the first casualty of war.
It's not that the laughter stopped, but now it was slightly twisted. A brutal joy could be heard as they turned slaughtering Galra soldiers into a game; a competition.
The gentle care and love had not disappeared, but it was now reserved exclusively for few members of their family. They would greet each other with hugs and affection, but outsiders were simply met with distrust and even aggression.
Their loyalty was to Voltron and each other only. Each trusted their teammates with their lives and would die for each other. Though dying was the last thing they wanted to do.
Coran sighed as he watched Hunk trying to carry Pidge, Lance and Keith all at once, the four of them laughing loudly. They all fell with screaming and giggles as Shiro snuck up on them and tackled them over. It was nice to see him trying to keep them as sane as possible while they did what was needed. He was a good leader to them.
They had the soldiers they needed, but the cost was high. He only hoped they could win this quickly and they would have a chance to return to some semblance of normality.