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A blessing and a curse, that being injured caused something helpful that made self harm so appealing.
Yatta knew she’d probably do this kind of thing without that incentive. The feelings wouldn’t edge away even if she couldn’t produce what she was supposed to. This way, however, she was useful. She did something, gave something, made life easier in some way for someone.
Nothing she produced was really all that good though. She knew that much.
Candies were fine, if you didn’t have jumper cables. Boxes of Chocolates were great- up until someone was distracting and no one needed them. Jawbreakers were some of her best, but again- it was only so long until something else replaced it. They were too random. She was too inconsistent.
But it helped, when she could drop a bunch for people. When she tore at her own stomach and thighs and pulled out candies by the fistful when Pebble twisted on the floor, growling and barking at the sight of her- when she let him get too close and bite just hard enough to tear her haunch open, to let her spill candy across the floor. If nothing else, it helps Sprout heal. That’s what she’s good for. Helping.
So it’s easy to see when it shifts from runs to all the time. Someone needs a little pick me up- she digs into her side in secret, pulls a candy bar, ignores the look and grins, pretends it doesn’t bother her. Tossing little sweets to people’s way, keeping herself fluffed in such a way to hide the ichor that blooms under her skin from her claws. Keeps tearing and tearing- breaking herself apart until she finally feels as if she has done enough.
Sometimes she wonders if she can pull it all out- rip each piece of candy from her body until she is empty, and refill herself with something that’s actually worth it. Fill her body with something that actually makes her feel full rather than the emptiness that clings onto her with each breath, each aching and creaking noise that comes when she moves.
Maybe Yatta’s just too big for that. She’s pulled and pulled and pulled and there keeps being more- she doesn’t know how there keeps being more inside her, until the candy pile rivals Gigi’s hoard in pure volume and she can still find more within her, more to yank out, more to fix- she will find what makes her broken in this way and she will fix it-
“attaY?” Her door had opened before she realized it- by now they had realized there was no need for the classifications, and claimed floors or rooms around those they actually wanted to be around. The three of them had claimed one side of a hall, and they were trying to get the walls down between them, or at least doors installed. But Blot stands in her doorway, looking at her with his sad sad eyes- but he doesn’t seem shocked by the wounds on her thighs, just sad.
She wonders how long he’s known and tried to help. Yatta is too tired to think back properly.
Blot leans out the door way, calls down it- Looey’s ear pops into view for just a moment, and they say- something. She doesn’t catch it, but then Blot’s in front of her, kneeling down with a medkit in hand to clean her up, and she’s crying slightly, but neither of them mention it.
She hears Looey yelling. It’s distant- but she can hear it, and even Blot seems a tad surprised, before Looey storms back in, shouting back out the door. “YOU’LL BE LUCKY I GO WITH YOU AGAIN ANY TIME SOON!” Before the door shuts- too hard, Yatta flinches, and Looey at least looks a bit guilty about that.
“⸮deneppah tahW” Blot asks, and Looey huffs, moving over and crawling over Yatta, tugging her head down onto his lap and petting between her ears.
“I was suppposed to go on a run-“ Yatta feels a pang of guilt, taking him away from it, from this, but Looey just shakes his head, clearly still upset. “It was with Vee- I told her I couldn’t, and she tried to get upset at me, even when I told her Yatta needed me here. We... Got into a bit, so... I don’t think I’m distracting for her any time soon.”
There’s relief in that. When Looey distracts, it’s so dangerous. He stays low, light, to be faster, and Yatta and Blot hate it, just a bit. It won’t keep him from distracting forever, but as long as Vee’s there, him refusing is enough. Yatta presses her face into his stomach, just a tad too hard- she feels him squish under her, but he doesn’t tell her to stop, as much as she thinks she’s being too hard. They’ve always had a bit of a problem, treating him like he’s fragile because of the balloons. Yatta knows he’ll tell her if he’s in pain, but he doesn’t like this, and she feels scared- but trusts him.
She trusts both of them.
That’s the only reason she finally lets herself cry now. She buries her face into him, and cries- so quiet, so unlike herself, and Blot pets around her hooves as he cleans her up, tries not to cry himself, and Looey, he’s already failed that, but he holds her so carefully and shushes her gentle, but doesn’t tell her to stop, just lets her get it all out.
When she quiets, Blot crawls up next to her, getting ink all over her bed and her tassels, but it’s not the first time and it won’t be the last- it’s a worthy sacrifice to be able to hold him, hold both of them. Blot’s horns get briefly caught upon her sheets, and it gets a giggle, and she knows he plays it up a bit too long, pretends he’s stuck longer, but it just keeps making her laugh, so she really doesn’t mind.
They dragged an old TV into her room one time, and they turn it on now- it’s only got a DVD player, and doesn’t connect to any channels, so all they have are whatever movies that Dyle can bring in. Dyle says they’re all ‘direct to DVD’ whatever that means, but to Yatta it just means most of them are completely a mess, horrible acting with little to no connecting story that just feels like dumb fun. Blot laughs so hard his teeth actually show, rare enough in of itself, with how little it looks he has a mouth.
At some point she falls asleep in the middle of one of the movies, and her two boys look at her sadly, but they don’t question it too much. They know what her issues are, they know her better than she does at certain points, so they just shift her- arrange her limbs in a way that’s comfortable, and Blot settles into her arms, while Looey lays against her back, a too big blanket tugged over all three of them.
And it doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t make her feelings go away, not forever. But for one night, she is warm, and she is held, and she is loved, and Yatta thinks that’s worth it.