Chapter Text
"Do you know the feelings I have devoured within myself, cast to the very bottom of my consciousness so we can still be close, so we can still be normal." Tom whispered to himself, Jake not even moving an inch, "I just want to be yours. I just need you to be mine." He stopped abruptly a choked noise radiating up from his throat. "God Jake I think I'm too fucked up now, I don't think there is any coming back from this."
His eyes were burning. His eyes were on fire. The downpour doing nothing to alleviate the heat that was consuming him.
He had been trying to rush in the house after being dropped off but unfortunately for him that was exactly when his brain decided to short circuit. The window shade that usually covered the living room window was pulled back, soft light from a small table illuminated Jake. He was all elbows and dark brown hair curled up into the side of the couch with his arm propping up his head looking for all accounts like a overgrown puppy. If the overhead lights had been on Tom wouldn't have even stopped to look, wouldn't feel this unmistakable urge to frame this image, if only in his own mind. Lock it away so deep down that no one would ever see it, no one but him.
Jake is his match. Same eyes, same hair (although Jake kept his longer, it fell over his eyes all the time). Many family friends had called him Tom's little copy but looks was about the only thing they still kept in common.
They had been inseparable as children but Jake was always the leader, the instigator their mom called him. Tom could fondly remember the many times his brother had riled up his friends to do whatever he had planned. Remembered even more the dressing down he got every time he went along from his mother.
"You should know better."
She always said it so quietly, coldly, he wished she would just yell, it wouldn't hurt his feelings so much if she just yelled. The venom that dripped from her mouth enveloped him at a young age, each time another layer piled on until Tom felt as if he was wearing a skin of it. As if he was so mottled by barely contained rage that he himself was getting infected with it.
It dropped easily when Jake threw his arm around his brother, when he sat as close as humanly possible whispering his thoughts in his ear. Jake was always running a scheme. When his best friend Marco called him a goody two shoes Tom had about doubled over in laughter, seems the menace acted a whole lot different in public.
Tom felt his face fall as the rain dripped down into his eyes as he stepped forward, sliding slightly in the mud as he placed his hands on the window, "Do you know that I love you, do you know its the most disgusting love that there ever was and ever will be? Do you know how close you are to being consumed? I just want to be so close to you, intertwined forever." He stopped eyes reflecting pain and delight in equal measure, "Don't worry Jake I won't leave any part, we'll be so close they can't ever separate us again." a small giggle following along at the end.
A crack of lighting behind him shook the glass in the windowpane, his hands shaking along with it. Jake stirred at the noise and Tom quickly detached himself practically running around to the side entrance of the house. His heart was going a million miles a minute, the panic settling into his brain as he threw open the door. What would Jake have thought if he had turned to see Tom looking at him like that? Would he have screamed in shock? Maybe he would have laughed. Anything but silence, silence and that look of understanding, the one that says 'I know what your thinking and I will never forget what you tell me when you don't speak'. He shook his head as he stepped in, effectively shaking off any thoughts that collected in his brain and also shaking water down right on the floor.
"Fuck"
"Language! Don't think your going anywhere in this house before you dry off!" His mother said basically materializing to glare at him, "Get on the floormat and stay there."
She turned around marching out of the room, probably looking for towels, making sure to throw a 'You should know better' over her shoulder as she went. Tom just stood there silent as a grave his brain whirring around in a circle.
I hate her
She has a right to be cruel
She should be worse
Hit me, maybe it'll fix what's wrong in my brain
You'll never learn will you?
Tom was silent, back ramrod straight, eyes unfocused as his brain threatened to consume itself, it was doing so many flips he was starting to feel nauseous and he found himself gripping his pant legs as he stood there raining down onto the floor. Was the room actually getting dark or was he just fucking losing it?
Jake stood at the doorway, a fist rubbing the last remnants of sleep out of his eyes. He shuffled his feet looking up and down at his brother who in his opinion looked like a drowned rat. Raising his eyes back up he looked Tom in the face, mirth evident with the way his lips were quirking up. "What did you do just stand in the rain?" he said laughter finally coming out as their mother stalked back in tutting with an armful of faded towels. "Here mom I'll take those, I know you have primping left to do." Jake said holding an arm out.
Their mother smiled fondly at Jake gratefully depositing the towels, "Don't let him move till he's no longer dripping on my floors." She said turning a glare back on Tom who just stared at her blankly.
"Yes Ma'am." Jake said throwing her a mock salute as she shook her head leaving just as quickly as she came.
'She can't wait to get away from you.'
"Shut up."
"What? and why are you making that face? You know she hates it when you come home messy, why didn't you bring your umbrella?" Jake said crowding into Tom's personal space, Tom would never admit that he had to hold himself still and not run for the other side of the room.
"Oh I don't know. Didn't you take it to school yesterday and not return it?" He said staring Jake deep in the eyes. The kid started to squirm, turning a delightful shade of pink as he remembered where the elusive umbrella was. Marco had it, had stole it after last period and run off before he could get it again.
"Fuck"
"Language Jake. How dare you say a curse word." Tom mumbled as Jake giggled before throwing a towel over top of his head cutting out the light.
That felt nice.
"You're just a parrot, I put a blanket on you and you quit squawking." Jake said one of his hands finding its way squarely on his chest. Tom's head craned down the towel moving just enough to see his hand. The urge to fall to the ground and ask Jake to wrap those digits around his neck was flooding his body and he felt a thrumming shame start up in his core.
Make him behave, bend him to your will.
(hurt me)
Instead Tom lifted his hands grasping a hold of the towel, scratchy still after so many washes and roughly toweled off his hair before scraping it along his body. The quicker this was done the quicker he could escape the gaze of his little brother. The towel fell down to the ground and he grabbed another one from the stack.
"No need to rush, Mom and Dad are leaving soon." Tom froze at that, how he could have forgotten the weekly date night he didn't know and he found himself covering his head with the towel and leaving an open mouthed silent scream onto it.
"Guess I've gotta babysit you then. Little kid like you might just keel over if left to your own devices." The rest of the towels smacked him in the face and Tom found a surprisingly genuine laugh coming out from him as Jake leveled him with a glare. Tom could feel the grin going from real to fake as he took in his baby brothers expression, he looked just like mom right now.
"I'm thirteen not two." Jake said his arms coming up to cross over his chest, he turned walking to the entryway of the kitchen before spinning his head to stare at Tom with those dark brown eyes. Tom felt warmth in their gaze and struggled to not follow after him, "You can ignore me all night if you want but..............well I would like to hang out some. We don't do that too often any more." He said his head drooping before effectively escaping the now tense atmosphere that was clouding the little room.
Well if Tom didn't feel like shit before he did now.
"sighh"
...........................................................................................
The wind was beating down the doors, no light coming in from where Jake was seated on the couch an arm thrown over the back completely immersed. Their parents had left around six with the promise that they would be back before nine though with the way they had been making eyes at each other Jake figured he had till ten thirty to get to bed. Gross but at least it gave him more semi alone time. Anytime their parents weren't hanging off their backs was something to be grateful for and Jake certainly was, his mom could tell him he would miss it one day a million times and he would still pick avoiding them 70% of the time. After all there is only so much time anyone wants to spend their parent.
"It's ridiculous you still have that bedtime, I mean your in high school now." Came a laugh from his side and Jake pulled his gaze away from the screen to smile at his brother, he had showered after coming home completely drenched and was sitting on the right side of the couch, slightly damp hair plastered on his forehead in a messy way that Jake couldn't help but find cute, a thought that he immediately threw away as he focused back on the screen.
"Oh I know, how am I supposed to take over the world when I have to be in bed at nine." He said grinning brightly, "Now shh you made me watch this and now I want to see how the episode ends."
Rachel had watched Twin Peaks, more like binged it last week and after trying and failing to get Cassie to watch it with her she had then set her sights on her favorite if somewhat weird older cousin. After a whole evening of begging when she had spent the night he had finally relented, shaking his fist jokingly at jake who had hid away upstairs. Which had led to her and Tom sitting on the floor of the living room watching the entire first season and after enjoying it so much he had promised the girl that he would make Jake watch it too.
Tom wasn't even watching it, not that Jake could tell, too focused on his younger brother. They were three years apart, had steadily been growing apart for the last year and both were relishing having some time together. Jake twisted his head around cracking it as Tom stared at him, the outro starting behind them. The kid was still pretty slender, still at least a foot shorter than Tom but he wouldn't be surprised if he shot up pretty quickly. Tom had been the same before the start of freshman year after all.
"Are you actually going to try out for basketball?" He said quietly the noise barely being heard over the tinny sounds coming from the tv, a flush of trepidation washed over him as he thought deeply on the fact that this was just another way for them to be separate. Thought of how much life was different from when they were children and how the chasm between them would continue to grow as the days passed. He paused his musing when he noticed Jake glaring at him, "What?" He said laughing slightly as he did so.
"You don't think I can do it?" Jake said aggressively snapping his head back to the tv effectively ignoring Tom.
Tom just blinked at him, he hadn't meant it like that but the whims of a teenager, forever elusive. 'Pay attention to me, don't ever turn away' came up from the bottom of his mind and he quickly shook the thought out of his head before reaching a hand out and grasping Jake's chin, he tried to squirm away but Tom was having none of that as he shouldered in closer and made Jake look him right in the eye. He was half leaned over him pinning him to the left side of the couch as the log lady yelled behind them.
"What the hell! Let me go!" Came the quick response, Tom could see laughter in Jakes eyes and just grasped his chin harder as the teen faux glared at him, trying to be mean but looking more like a disgruntled toddler.
"Quit being such a baby, I'm just trying to get my sweet little brother to look at me." Tom said before releasing his chin and letting his hand come to rest on Jakes right shoulder before leaning over onto him. Jake pressed into his side and he pressed back a silent war as they both tried to shoulder the other to the opposite side of the couch. "I think you can do anything you want to." Pausing he looked Jake right in the eyes, "I think you will do better than I ever did. I think you'll be a lot happier too." He suddenly avoided looking at Jake, "You deserve that much." He said staring wistfully at the screen. Jake just looked at him oddly, was his brother already having a midlife crisis?
"Time for bed kid." Tom said turning off the tv with a push of a button and standing up, ignoring Jakes grumble as he did so.
"Why its only ten?" He said not moving an inch off the couch, "You and me both know they wont be home till later."
"Doesn't matter, what I say goes." Tom said grinning widely down at Jake.
He stooped down and grabbed a hold of jakes wrists effectively dragging him off the couch, the teen putting all his weight into staying on the couch. Their tug of war ended quickly when Tom pretended to fall and Jake was up in an instant trying to right him.
"Oh you asshole!"
"Bedtime" Tom said pointing towards the stairs. "Now march soldier."
Jake just smiled at him before scampering up the stairs. "I better hear that shower running in five minutes." Tom yelled up after him.
"Yes mom!" Jake yelled back.
Tom picked up the discarded pop cans by the tv, Jake liked to lob them when a character annoyed him, it usually led to Tom snorting whenever he did it and Jake threatening to hit him with the next one. Maybe they could make this a weekly thing themselves. For the most part Tom usually made plans with friends when the parents were going to act romantic but this evening had been quite a bit more enjoyable then watching his two best friends make out while he pretended not to notice, why even invite him over? Hell they could continue to watch the show, Rachel had recorded the entire first season and lent them to him so why not? It could be fun!
It wasn't a long wait for the bathroom, Jake tended to clean off as quickly as possible and Tom wasted no time hopping in after he was done. The hot water cascaded off his head as he slowly hit it on the wall opposite him. What the hell was he doing? He would be lying if it hadn't felt good cornering his brother, if he hadn't smiled as he caged him in on the couch but god knows that was really weird.
Tom had always been under the impression that Jake was his, had packed him around the moment his mom had allowed it. Everyone thought it was cute how quickly they had taken to each other. Tom still remembered holding Jakes hand as they followed mom through the grocery store, still remembered kissing his booboos when he fell off his bike. Tom felt as if his whole life revolved around his little brother and when he realized that he had immediately started to ignore the kid. Calling him a twerp and telling him how annoying he was at any given moment.
His mom had put an end to that quick, told him they were going to be nice to each other or she was making them hold hands while walking to school and that had put them to acting cordial. Although Tom wasn't stupid enough to not see that Jake wanted them to be close again.
He had still been acting cold when Jake cornered him in the bathroom, an eight year old looking so earnestly at his elder brother, "Why do you hate me??" He had yelled before he started crying. Tom had been grateful his parents were outside in the yard for that.
"I don't hate you, I think I like you too much." He had whispered as he hugged Jake close the younger boy falling into his chest hiccupping as he rubbed his wet eyes on him.
Jake was so cute, now and then and Tom struggled controlling his emotions when it came to him. He didn't want to think about it most of the time but occasionally, like right now in the shower, he was letting his brain run wild. Thoughts of taking his brother to a different city. Of having the time of his life with his favorite person and not having to act clouded his mind.
Not having to act like a brother.
At that thought Tom's eyes went wide and he pushed himself away from the wall the water making him slightly slip as he stepped back. What do you want? He thought to himself as he wracked his brain and after not being controlled his brain conjured up the image of him holding Jake, the kid's head in the crook of his neck as he rubbed his back. Looking down at him wistfully before pulling him up chin first and slotting their lips together.
Tom came back to himself a silent scream on his lips as his hands came up to tug at his hair, no no no what the fuck was wrong with him????? Steeling himself he turned off the long cold water and smacked himself in the face before stepping out. It didn't take him long to go in his room, laying on his back he stared up at the ceiling disassociating. He had kept these emotions locked down for so long that letting one slip was like breaking down a dam. He wondered if he could fully lock them up again.
His mind slipped into another one while he lay there prone. It all revolved around the time he had walked to the high school and Jake had tried to follow him there instead of the middle school. He had thought about dragging him behind the school, kissing him up against the wall before sending him back to school, red and flushed lips blistered sightly from Tom nipping on them. Maybe not even letting him go to school, convincing his cute little brother to go back home after mom and dad left, dragging him into the basement and running his hands all over him before making him get on his knees.
"Stop" He whispered a hand coming up rub his eyes before glaring into the dark room, lights travelled along the ceiling, "Great the parents are home." He said sighing and forcefully shutting his eyes.
Maybe tomorrow would be better.