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I’m thinking about you. All the time. It’s so hard—to keep a person in your mind who won’t even remember you unless you remind them of yourself. I wanted to make you mine. I still do. But I know it’s impossible. I’ll never be for you what you are for me. I understand that perfectly well, yet I still cry into my pillow out of helplessness. Would you consider me pathetic if you found it out? But I won’t tell you. You wouldn’t understand what it’s like. Right now, you are happiness, and I am your complete opposite—
…pain. It’s tearing me apart, burning me from the inside. Never before have I felt this fire so strong inside me, a fire that seems ready to destroy me. My need for you fills me completely, rips me to pieces. I rush about like a mouse trapped in a mousetrap, with no strength left to escape. But it’s not your fault. I drove myself into this trap.
I did it by daring, one day, to look at you differently.
By feeling my heart start to race under your gaze, while I froze, not understanding what was happening to me.
By feeling, at your touch, the urge to squeeze your hand in return and never let it go. And that frightened me.
While dancing at the Snow Ball with a girl I didn’t know, I suddenly noticed you, dancing with someone as well. You looked so happy, and for some reason, something painfully stabbed my chest. I realized I wanted to dance with you.
But I kept dancing with that stranger, forcing a fake smile and watching you kiss her. I barely managed to hold back my tears.
Unbearable.
I always watch you in secret when you don’t notice, and afterward it’s painfully hard to tear my eyes away from you. Mike… you’re so handsome. I could admire you forever, if only you’d let me. But you won’t. Who am I? Exactly. Nobody. I’ll disappear that way — remaining no one to you — and in the end, you won’t even remember my name. I’ll vanish from your life without a trace, because I no longer affect it in any way. Just another person you’ll forget quickly. There are so many people like me, right?
But you — for me — you’re the only one. The only one. You’ve always been special to me since the day you came up to me and asked me to be your friend. Do you remember how you said it was the best thing you’d ever done? Funny how quickly that changed. How quickly I lost all meaning. How quickly you simply… forgot me.
With each passing day, I feel you growing closer and closer to me; my pull toward you only grows stronger. But it’s one-sided. For you, I’m still at the same distance I was at the very beginning. Maybe I’m even much farther away now than I was before. Replace me with anyone else right now — what would change? No-thing. I mean nothing. And yet you are my whole world. No one could ever replace you. Without you, I’d suffocate. Yes, you’re my air. This is such a cliché, isn’t it? But it’s true.
I saw the surprise on your face when I suddenly confessed. It is not your fault that I don’t like girls? No, Mike — this is exactly your fault. Were you surprised that I’m gay, or that I’m in love with you specifically? Most likely the second. You had guessed my orientation, but you never guessed my feelings for you, judging everything from your own perspective. If I was no one to you, then you thought you should be no one to me. That’s how you saw it, right? But you stayed silent, not knowing what to say. And I left, leaving you confused—never expecting an answer, because I knew I wouldn’t get one. And even if I had, it wouldn’t have brought me any comfort. So it’s better not to know it at all, never to hear it.
I just couldn’t hold it in anymore, and I finally said it. Why did I do that without thinking? Probably because it was our first fight. I told you to forget it, but for some reason, you followed me. And this is where it led.
Are you satisfied?
That night, it was raining, and I felt as though the rain mirrored my state. In Castle Byers, I was looking at a picture of us, taken on the day we promised to go crazy together. And I did go crazy — for you. But you couldn’t keep your promise. You went crazy, just not with me. And it’s unlikely you even remember that day now or the words we said to each other. You didn’t stand still — you moved on, found another “best” for yourself. And I’m stuck, carrying you in my heart.
Stupid. So stupid.
Are my feelings meaningless? Probably. But I can’t throw them away, no matter how hard I try. I was never going to fall in love. Who was I trying to convince with that? My mom, or myself? It would have been better if I truly hadn’t fallen for you. Once, you were saving me. Today, you’re destroying me — and that makes me want to destroy as well. There’s a bat in my hands. I don’t even hear the crack of breaking wooden boards of my Castle, the roar of the intensifying rain, or my own screams. My inner pain drowns out every sound, and all I can hear is your voice in my head. I hear everything you once told me sincerely — words that have faded from your memory but are etched sharply into mine. I hear my name from your lips and suddenly realize that your voice is no longer only in my head.
You found me in the end, and now you’re asking if I’m okay. The very question you used to ask when my existence still mattered to you. I think about how everything could have turned out differently, if only I’d been different. My legs can no longer support me. The bat slips from my hands, and I sink onto the cold, wet ground, crying and bitterly realizing that I’ve got your picture… but she’s got you.