Work Text:
Dan knew the moment he woke up that today would not be a good day. He saw the sunlight through the cracks in the blinds, and it disgusted him, quite frankly. Phil wasn’t there next to him, but then again, judging by the fucking sun, it must be quite late in the day already.
A queasy feeling formed in Dan’s stomach. What was he doing, wasting half the day? Wasting his life? He felt sick at himself. This was not how it was supposed to be. All he wanted to do was burrow down under the covers and shut out the world. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be able to shut out his own thoughts, so he decided he needed some music. Just get your headphones and then you can go back to bed, he promised himself.
With a deep breath, Dan swung his legs over the side of the bed. Feeling dizzy for a moment, he stayed in a seated position before getting up fully. Immediately, he wanted to sink back down. Everything felt so much worse without the protection of a blanket. But music was an important motivator. When you were sad, you needed to hear your sadness structured into sound. That’s what he needed right now.
On his way to the living room, where he suspected his headphones to be, he passed the kitchen. There, he caught a glimpse of Phil, who was making cereal, as usual with all the cupboards open. But Dan didn’t feel like arguing about that right now. In fact, he didn’t feel like talking at all. So he crept past the kitchen door in the hopes that Phil wouldn’t hear him.
Unfortunately, Phil did hear him. “Dan?” he called out.
Dan just mumbled back a reply and tried to get back to his quest. But it was too late. Phil stepped out of the kitchen and enveloped him in a hug. Dan returned it stiffly and wound himself out of it as soon as he felt it appropriate.
Phil sensed that something was off, though. “Are you okay, bear?”, he asked.
Dan shrugged and didn’t look into Phil’s eyes for fear he would start crying.
Phil gently pushed his partner back by the shoulders so he could look at him properly. “What’s up?” he asked, genuine concern in his voice.
“I don’t know, I just feel so…bleh,” Dan replied.
“Have you eaten already? Had some water?”
Dan shook his head no.
“Come on, then. You sit down on the sofa, I’ll get you some cereal. Do you want coffee as well?”
“No, that’ll just make me anxious in this state. Maybe some juice though?”
“Coming right up. Go sit down.”
Dan went to the living room and sank down on the sofa. It was immediately like all will to ever move again left his body, and he slumped into the cushions listlessly.
A few minutes later, Phil appeared with a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice in his hands.
He hesitated for a moment, but when Dan showed no signs of moving, he just set his breakfast on the coffee table and then sat down next to Dan. Dan, however, remained in his curled-up position and didn’t acknowledge Phil’s presence, so Phil gently poked his shoulder.
“Hey. Earth to Dan,” he said.
Dan slowly lifted his head from the cushions and turned to look at Phil, making a hmm? sound.
“Come on,” Phil said, helping Dan into a more cereal-friendly seated position and handing him the bowl.
Dan began to eat his cereal mechanically and without apparent enjoyment or even noticing what he was shovelling into his mouth. Still, Phil was relieved he was getting some food in his system; that was an important step to help him feel better.
When Dan had silently finished his breakfast under Phil’s watchful eyes, he slumped back down into the sofa cushions and closed his eyes, as if this simple task had completely exhausted him.
“So? What’s wrong, bear?” Phil asked.
Dan grunted and didn’t speak for several seconds. Just as Phil began to suspect this was all the answer he was going to get, Dan said, “I don’t know. Just a bad day, I guess.”
“You’re sure nothing happened to have you feeling like this?”
“It’s just been a lot, you know? I feel like I haven’t really had a break in months, and it’s finally catching up with me.”
“I totally get it. But we have nothing important to do today, how about you take a mental health day?”
“I’m not sure if that will make it better. Maybe I'd better not wallow in my sadness too much?”
“Those are two different things, Danny, you know that. But you do whatever feels best for you.”
“If I do that, I’d just stay in bed all day and rot.”
“That’s maybe… not the best idea. Do you want me to tell you what to do? Does the choice feel like too much?”
“Yes, please.”
“Alright, so we talk a bit. Then you take a shower, and afterwards we go for a walk to get some food instead of ordering in. And then we have a cosy night in, but you have to stay with me in the living room, no hiding in your bedroom, alright? And you fill out one of your mood tracking pages today to bring to your next therapy session.”
“Okay, Dad.”
“Is there anything you feel like we should add to the list?”
“Can we cuddle?”
“Of course, baby,” Phil opened his arms, and Dan didn’t hesitate for even a moment before falling into them, his head on Phil’s chest, listening to his breathing and heartbeat. It calmed his racing thoughts down immediately.
For a while, they just lay there, until Dan's thoughts became too much to bear again. He felt worthless, like he was keeping Phil from doing more important things, like he was a burden. He needed to get out of his head.
“Now what do we do?” asked Dan.
“Okay, baby, I think it’s time for you to take a shower now, don’t you think?” Phil said finally.
Dan whimpered “that’s so many steps…”
Phil thought for a moment, then he asked “what do you need to make it easier?”
“Can you come with me?”
“Of course I can.”
Together, they manage to get up and drag Dan to the bathroom. He undressed while Phil sat down on the chair Dan usually used to put his clothes on while he showered. Dan threw his clothes at Phil, since he was in their place and Phil giggled, managing to make Dan smile.
“Do you want me to get you some fresh comfy clothes? These have depression on them.”
Dan managed a second smile and nodded. Phil went to put the old clothes in the laundry hamper and to get fresh clothes and towels. Meanwhile Dan got in the shower. When Phil had accomplished his task, he sat down in the chair again and watched Dan through the glass walls of the shower. Sometimes, during mundane, domestic activities such as this one, he had a moment where he was suddenly overwhelmed with love for his partner. This was one of these moments and Phil felt the need to tell him.
“I love you,” he shouted over the rush of water.
“Huh?” Dan replied, turning off the water and stepping out of the shower.
“I love you,” Phil smiled and got up.
“I love you too,” said Dan, and then when Phil moved in to hug him, “careful, I’m gonna get you all wet.”
“I don’t care,” Phil said, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist. Dan sighed and let his head rest on Phil’s shoulder, hugging him back.
When he stopped hugging Dan after several minutes, his entire shirtfront was wet, just as Dan had predicted. Phil couldn’t help but giggle again. Dan gave a weak smile.
Phil stayed with him in the bathroom while Dan dried off and got dressed again.
“Feel better?” he asked.
“A little bit. But I don’t think I will get to good today,” Dan said.
“And that’s okay. But you can write down that showering helped a little in your mood journal.”
“I don’t know, do you really think that’s necessary?”
“Yes, Dan, your therapy homework is very necessary, especially on hard days.”
Another sigh, sounding like giving in.
After Phil had gotten changed as well, and Dan had fussed around with his curls, never being quite happy with them, they were ready for the outside world.
The cold air was like a slap in the face, and Dan felt truly awake for the first time that day. There was still some snow on the ground, but it had melted to ugly gray sludge. The world looked as colourless as Dan felt. Phil next to him wasn’t his usual bubbly self either, which Dan appreciated. He would only have been spiteful at Phil talking about random shit, as much as he loved his whimsical mind. Instead, Phil was quiet and attentive, watching Dan with every step to make sure he didn’t retreat into his mind too much.
He pointed out trivial landmarks along their way, and made Dan point out stuff as well. This was a game he had learned in his own therapy, and then found out worked very well on Dan when he got depressed like this. He assigned him a colour (today it was white as to not make it too difficult in the winter landscape) and waited for Dan to find objects in that colour.
So instead of trodding along sullenly like he would have liked, Dan found himself talking, saying outwardly senseless stuff like “mailbox”, “background colour of that street sign”, “fancy building”, “your face”, “snow”, “snow”, “snow”.
Phil smiled and encouraged him at every object he found. After a while, they reached their favourite Indian takeaway place. Phil took over the ordering, knowing exactly what food Dan liked and that Dan was still too lost in his thoughts to make any trivial decisions. Dan loved him so much.
They trudged back through the snow with their food in plastic bags, arriving at their home windblown and starving. Phil laid out their meal at the coffee table, as he decided it was a food in front of the TV kind of day. Dan sat on the sofa watching him, his expression not quite as dead-eyed as it had been that morning.
Nothing much else happened for the rest of the day. They ate their food, watched Buffy, and cuddled on the sofa. At some point, Dan's face was nuzzled in Phil's collarbone, and he felt tears pooling on his shirt.
“Dan? Are you crying?”
Dan held his breath, still expecting to be punished for showing emotions, and carefully nodded.
“Can you tell me why?”
“No, it's just - I'm sorry I'm like this,” Dan said, the last words almost incomprehensible through sobs.
“No, don't be sorry. I love you just the way you are, alright? Bad days and all”
Dan's crying intensified, and Phil stroked his back gently.
“It's okay, bear, let it all out. I think this is an improvement from this morning, don't you agree? Better to feel something than nothing?”
“I don't wanna feel this!”
“I know, I know. But you have to so you can work through it. Don't panic on me now. Deep breaths” and Phil steadied his own breathing, waiting for Dan to mimic him. He did, and Phil's heart swelled with love for his partner, breathing in sync with him.
Later, Phil would make Dan fill out another therapy worksheet to understand his emotions. Later, they would talk about what made this day so heavy. But for now, they were just laying on the couch, breathing together, Dan's sobs slowly ebbing until he had no tears left to cry. When he stopped crying, Phil was still stroking his back.
“I love you,” he whispered, and kissed Dan's temple.
“I love you too,” Dan replied.
Later, they would be functional again. But for now, this was enough.