Work Text:
Begin.
Columbina just broke up with her boyfriend and she was feeling quite lonely, she was having friendly talks with her best friend, Arlecchino.
“Can I sell my ex on ebay? Description: Second hand time, kinda broken, no satisfaction guaranteed, buy at your own risk.” Columbina saw her ex’s post about toxic relationships and she gagged.
‘The nerve of this shit to call me toxic.’
Columbina furiously typed a comment, “Fuck off, your 4 inches doesn’t do a shit.”
“How do I uninstall myself from Earth?” Columbina asked and her face looks so fucking offended.
“He’s gaining likes, huh?” Arlecchino looked at the post and frowned.
“I want a love that conquers the world.” Columbina slumped on the couch helplessly.
“Want to conquer the world? Step on a globe.”
“Fuck you.”
“Thanks, but your ex is thriving for sympathy and attention.”
“Who cares? Can I have a real boyfriend or a girlfriend? I’m tired of these 14 day free trial mother fuckers. Blind dates just come and go. I hate the awkward atmosphere.” Columbina lamented even more.
“Ever heard of online dating?”
Columbina thought that the idea of grabbing a date over the internet is absurd. She couldn’t believe herself that she’s doing this and buying Arlecchino’s idea of having someone in her life. Columbina was eating her cheeseburger and scanning on her IG until Arlecchino grabbed her phone away and Columbina tried to hold it tightly.
“Hey!”
“Come on, Bina. You just have to swipe right and be careful!” Arlecchino insisted as she forcefully took Bina’s phone and created her profile online.
“I don’t like people and an angry ex calling me toxic.” Columbina explained resistance.
“That’s why online dating suits you! You don’t have to meet each other.” Arlecchino clapped her hand in her genius idea.
“But, I don’t want to expose my face to a possible 69 year old perverted person on the internet who would just want to take my money!” she argued and tried to get her phone.
“That’s easy, we’ll create your anonymous profile.”
“Huh?”
“Your favorite food is cheeseburger, right?”
“U-huh.”
“Gee, that’s unhealthy as fuck.”
“I don’t care, my food, my life.”
“You are what you eat, you know.”
“Then, I am a cheeseburger.”
Arlecchino was pressing things on her phone until she grinned widely, “DONE!”
When Columbina looked at her phone, she saw a picture of a triple deck deluxe cheeseburger with oozing melted cheese around it. It looks so appetizing that she bit her lip.
“It’s better than my old Mc Cheeseburger.” she frowned, she read her status.
I’m a cheeseburger.
Cheese. Burger.
Cheeseburger
“It’s Wendy’s.”
“Burger King is fucking offended.”
“Fuck you, In and Out is much better.”
“Arlecchino… this...this seems like a great idea.” Columbina hated herself for saying that to Arlecchino who now has a proud smirk on her face.
“Now, Bina. Build up your profile and look for a match!”
So Columbina spent her whole night trying to build up her profile. She typed random things that came inside her head in the DESCRIBE YOURSELF section.
I’m just a cheeseburger looking for… I don’t know what am I looking for, cheeseburgers don’t look for things. Cheeseburgers don't have eyes. Cheeseburgers just stay in place till someone eats them. Don’t eat me though, I don’t think I’m tasty.
After a day, she was frustrated because no one messaged her until she swiped right and found a great match.
‘BONELESS PIZZA WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND!’
“Boneless Pizza?” she clicked at the profile and she saw that this pizza is a girl,
Columbina mindlessly clicked add as a friend.
***
Columbina was at work when she received a message from the dating app. She opened the sender, it was ‘Boneless Pizza’, she curiously clicked open and hoped it’s not NSFW content.
“I’m not the pizza you need, but the pizza you deserved.” the message said and Bina giggled, she saw one of her co-worker look at her sharply. The girl was also holding her phone but exuding a serious expression.
The girl’s name is Sandrone.
Bina knew this girl for five years and yet they are not really that close. Sandrone is quite elusive. She doesn’t talk so much and joins the company’s karaoke night every Friday. Bina thinks Sandrone hates her, but when she saw Sandrone not talking with their co-workers too unless it’s related to work, Bina concluded that Sandrone might hate people in general.
Bina is not the type to talk first when she’s not being talked to so she just chose to be quiet whenever her work mate is around.
“Hey Bina, let’s go grab some lunch!” It was her friend slash co-worker, Arlecchino.
“Okay, let’s go!”
“Sandrone, would you like to join?” Arlecchino asked out of respect but knowing she’ll be rejected anyway.
“I think I’ll pass.” Sandrone said without looking up from what she’s doing.
Arlecchino nodded, “Oh, okay. See ya!”
***
While eating their lunch, Columbina spoke.
“So, a Boneless Pizza sent me a message. What should I do?”
Arle looked at her confusedly and Bina showed her phone.
“That’s… HAHAHAHHA! What a perfect match!” she was having the time of her life while Bina sighed.
“I’ll do it!” Arle stole her phone again.
“Yah!”
“Done, bitch.”
Bina read what Arle wrote, “Hey boneless pizza! Will you make me love all your edges and curves and let me lay on top of you? ;)”
Bina got red and delivered a scandalous expression.
“Arle, this is so suggestive!” her voice got a bit louder that she saw Sandrome’s stoic face on a distant table got red due to anger.
‘She really hates noises.’
She was panicking for a minute until Sandrone resumed looking at her phone. A minute later, Bina received a message.
“Sure, just make sure your cheese would melt on my mouth, cheeseburger. :*” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
And Bina was beet red.
“Are you allergic to shrimp, Bina?” Arle asked worriedly.
“No, why?”
“You’re eating shrimp and you’re turning red.”
‘God damn it.’
That night, she spent it chatting with Boneless Pizza.
“Tell me something about yourself.” Bina sent a message.
“I often mock other humans like I’m not one. Yours?” Boneless Pizza replied.
“Hmm… mine is I’m so comfortable with my best friend that whenever she’s around my house, I can pee with my bathroom door open.”
“Do I have to fight with this bestie for your attention?” Boneless Pizza sent you a message.
“You already caught mine when you said you’re the pizza I deserved.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Anything else?” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“I’m gay.” Boneless Pizza sent you a message.
“Oh, I’m kinda gay.” Bina giggled when she saw the text.
“Some people don’t have to reproduce.” Boneless Pizza sent you a message.
“Correct!” Cheeseburger sent a text.
“I have a question.” Boneless Pizza replied.
“Shoot.” Cheeseburger sent a text.
“How do straight people have sex? Like who is the guy and who is the other guy?” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Bless your mind.”
***
Columbina took a sick leave because she was feeling unwell. She had a lot of sleepless nights because she has been chatting with a person named ‘Boneless Pizza’ for months now and so far she likes it. That person is witty, fun and adorable. No personal questions were asked, which is something she really likes. She backread their last conversation and decided they’re meme worthy.
“What’s your fave movie?” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
Bina thought for a while before she replied, “ Cheeseburgers don’t have eyes to watch TV. Yours?”
“Same, pizzas don’t have eyes.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“I thought pepperoni were eyes.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Maybe I should ask for my pepperoni but they put too much pineapple on me.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Eww, pineapple on pizza is a mortal sin.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Then, I’m going to hell.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“I’ll come with you.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Why?” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Because anywhere with you is fun.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“;)” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Bands or songs?” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Cheeseburgers don’t have ears.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Same, pizza doesn't have ears.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“What about the hole on your handles?” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Threw the handle away.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“It’s a dough, it’s edible.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Shut the fuck up, nobody eats the pizza handle.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Super hero name?” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Super Cheeseburger sounds dumb.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“Mine is Greasy Pizza, I’m a villain, I kill everyone.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Just what I like.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“What do you like about yourself?” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“I’m cheesy.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
“OMG, Same!” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“...”
“...”
“I fucking like you already.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Me too, all the way from your toasted bottom to greasy top.” Cheeseburger sent a message.
And Bina took a screenshot of that message and made it as her wallpaper. They really didn’t learn anything about each other and yet the mystery makes it all interesting. Who knows she’ll have a pathetic crush over the anonymous boneless pizza.
“Are you busy?” Columbina chatted that day.
“Work :( . My co-worker is absent, I need to fill in her duties with mine.” Boneless Pizza replied.
‘Fucking co-worker.’
“Awww, please take care. TTYL!”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make time. ;)” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
‘Fucking take all my time already.’
***
It was hell.
It’s when Bina realized that she’ll be stuck with her elusive co-worker Sandrone in doing admin work together. She hated the idea of being with someone quiet and possibly someone who hates her for 8 fucking hours. Not to mention, Arle decided for her ass to go on a vacation.
Sandrone looked like she’s not in the mood for anything today. She looked pissed and she kept checking on her phone then resumed typing on the computer with loud sounds of keyboards. Bina sighed.
‘Ugh, the hardest thing I do all day is to pretend to be civilized in front of my annoying co-worker.’ Bina glared at the girl beside her but Sandrone didn’t bat an eye on her. She treats her as if she doesn’t exist.
After a few hours of silence and nothing but keyboard’s sounds, Bina decided to ease her boredom when she hummed a song. The keyboard typing stopped and Sandrone looked at her.
Her expression was unreadable. Bina decided to look at the girl too. Nobody seems to break eye contact until their boss comes in.
“Hey, part timer!” he called Sandrone. She just looked at their boss with a bored expression.
“I am too busy today, please finish these papers for me. Due today.” Then he walked away.
Bina scoffed as she watched the boss walk away, “Right, too busy for golf.”
She heard a light chuckle, It was from Sandrone.
‘Did she just laugh?’ Bina’s eyes widened.
Sandrone cleared her throat before she proceeded working as if nothing happened. Bina smiled a little. She checked her phone and she saw unread messages from ‘Boneless Pizza.’ she re-read their conversation last night.
‘Wanna play mafia?’ Boneless pizza sent her a message.
‘Sure, give me half an hour. I’ll just do my skin care.’ Cheeseburger replied.
Then, Bina forgot about it and slept unintentionally.
‘Hello?’
Bina started to panic, ‘Shit.’, she sent a reply to Boneless Pizza. ‘I’m sorry, I fell asleep. Let’s play later?’
She heard a phone beeped but she ignored it, ‘Why can’t people put their phones in silence mode?’ and she just saw Boneless Pizza typing a message.
‘We don’t have to play mafia for you to make me believe and betray me.’ Boneless pizza sent her a message.
‘I’m sorry, Cheeseburger is still much better than a pizza but among all pizza, you’re my favorite.’ Cheeseburger sent a message.
‘Make it up to me. ;)’ Boneless pizza sent her a message.
Columbina grinned and when she looked to her left, despite the pile of paperworks at Sandrone’s table, Sandrone was smiling as she was typing on the computer.
‘She looks cute.’
When lunch break came, Bina awkwardly asked Sandrone if she wanted to join her for lunch.
“W-Would you like to have lunch with me?” Columbina asked out of respect, knowing she’ll be rejected anyway.
“I’ll pass.” Sandrone said without looking at Bina. She really doesn’t care for other people.
“Okay.”
They had their lunch separately. Bina spent half of her break chatting with her Boneless Pizza.
‘I have a confession to make.’ Boneless pizza sent her a message.
‘What is it?’ Cheeseburger replied.
‘I think I really really really like you.’ Boneless pizza sent her a message.
Bina squealed when she saw the message.
‘I think I really really really like you more.’ she replied and called Arlecchino.
“Tell me a good reason why you must spoil my vacation leave today with work related matters.” Arle asked monotonously on the line.
“It’s not for work.”
“Oh? Okay, what’s up?”
“Arle, I think I have a girlfriend!”
“Huh? Oh, congrats! Who’s the unlucky one?”
“I’m in love with Boneless Pizza!”
Then Arle cackled a series of laughter on the other line.
“A Boneless Pizza and a Cheeseburger. Perfect match, huh?”
“A match made in heaven.”
“Both sounds toxic tho.”
“Unhealthy af, but it’s so good!”
“Helpless pathetic bitch.”
When she came back to work after lunch, she saw Sandrone glowing as she worked on her computer.
‘Weird.’
***
Another day at work, It’s Sandrone and Columbina again doing admin tasks together (forcefully)
‘I love my job, I love my job…’ Bina chants on her head like a mantra as she hears again the loud typing on the keyboard. She’s so sensitive to sounds that she wanted to call out Sandrone for it but she’s too civilized (coward) to argue with someone so she always ended up adjusting for everyone.
She decided to text her ‘girlfriend’ to calm herself down.
“Babe, can you call Archons for me?” Cheeseburger sent a text. She heard the loud message alert coming on Sandrone’s phone again and she sighed exasperatedly. ‘She seems to not know how to mute her phone.’
A few moments later, Boneless Pizza texted her back, “Babe ;), I like it. Why should I call them?”
“Imma break at least half of the ten commandments because of my annoying co-worker.” Cheeseburger replied.
“Same, my co-worker is an ass. She pretends to be so busy when the truth is she’s not really doing so much.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“You know, you’re the only work I’m willing to do. ;)” Cheeseburger sent a message.
Bina laughed at her provocative message, ‘Gosh, Arle is a bad influence.’ but then she saw Sandrone glared at her as her face was red in anger.
‘Oh, ow.’
“I’m going to the bathroom” Bina excused herself and left her cellphone at her table. Sandrone ignored her because she was busy on her phone.
‘Rude.’
Boneless pizza replied on her text, “If Cheeseburger is going to have something on top of it’s bun, it’s gonna be me. ;)”
“Can I call you?” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
“Fuck it, I’ll just do it.” Boneless Pizza sent a message.
Sandrone dialled some random phone numbers on her phone but she kept feeling the annoying buzz coming from Columbina’s phone. It made her uneasy so she wanted to make it stop. She stood up to end whatever was going on Bina’s phone but shit happened when she saw who’s calling Columbina’s phone.
‘Fuck, it’s me.’
***
When Columbina went back to her seat, she noticed Sandrone’s heavy stares towards her. Not that she minded, but why would Sandrone, an elusive girl and a co-worker who doesn’t care if she’s dead or alive today bat an eye on her?
When lunch break came again, Columbina asked Sandrone if she wanted to join her for lunch knowing she’ll be rejected again. So imagine the shock on her face when Sandrone said ‘YES.’
“Okay, let’s have lunch.” Sandrone stood up from her desk and led the way to the cafeteria.
‘What the fucking sorcery is this?’ Columbina’s eyes were wide open as she followed Sandrone. She was having a conversation inside her head that she actually pulled a facial expression that would fit the conversation until she realized how weird she looked when Sandrone told her to sit down.
“Columbina, when you eat, you have to sit down.”
“O-Oh, sorry…”
Bina felt awkward the whole lunch because Sandrone seemed to be observing her. Her regrets sink in.
‘I should have never invited her for lunch.’
“You look pretty up close.” Sandrone randomly said and Bina choked her diet coke.
“What?”
“Do you like pizza?” Sandrone leaned closely to Bina.
“U-Uh… I’m into Cheeseburger more.”
“I like pizza, but I’m into Cheeseburger as well.” and Bina swore she saw Sandrone smirked at her seat and she choked even more.
‘What the fuck?’
Ever since that day, Sandrone started her advancements on Bina. She would be clingy as fuck and bring Bina lunches. The best cheeseburgers in town.
“Oh, this tastes good!” Bina praised the burger Sandrone bought for her.
“How does it taste?” Sandrone sat beside Columbina and Bina just awkwardly smiled.
‘Is she possessed by some weird demon or something?’
“Greasy and unhealthy but good as fuck, just the kind that I like.”
And Bina could’ve sworn she saw Sandrone smirked again before she whispered in her ear.
“I wonder what you taste like.”
Then, Bina choked on her diet coke.
Almost dead.
‘Is she hitting on me?’
The expressionless Sandrone who used to ignore her has gotten softer towards her and Columbina could only wonder why.
Bina was sad. Boneless Pizza aka her online girlfriend hasn’t texted her for a week and she’s going crazy, plus, Sandrone aka her former elusive workmate who’s sticky as glue keeps on flirting on her and Bina is the faithful type.
“I actually have a girlfriend.” she told Sandrone one day.
“Okay, who?” Sandrone asked amusedly.
“Uh… I don’t know her name, I met her online.”
Then, Sandrone gave a light chuckle.
“Want to know something, Columbina?”
“...”
“You’re mine.”
Red.
That’s Bina’s face when Sandrone gave her a kiss. She immediately wanted to run away and almost wanted to cry. But Sandrone, whatever seduction she’s doing seemed to work. Her arms that caged Bina’s neck and waist. Her soft lips that made Bina want to pass out. Columbina felt bad for her online girlfriend and what’s worse is she responded to Sandrone’s kiss, and she likes it.
‘What would Boneless Pizza think of me now?’
“My coworker kissed me today, please don’t break up with me.” Bina texted Boneless Pizza with nervousness sipping on her body.
“We have to meet.” Boneless Pizza replied.
‘Maybe she wants to break up with me in person.’
***
Bina sat nervously in a cafe waiting for her online girlfriend to pop up anytime soon.
‘This is the first and last time I’m going to see her, I’m doomed.’ she lamented.
Then, she saw Sandrone walk in.
‘Oh, fuck it.’
She hid her face with a menu but Sandrone still saw her.
“Hey, Bina!” Sandrone called her affectionately by her nickname and was about to kiss her again but Bina moved away.
“Hold it, my girlfriend is coming today. I don’t want her to misunderstand anything so please go.”
Sandrone shrugged and proceeded to sit down in front of Columbina.
“Well, she’s here in front of you. Your one and only girlfriend.” she wiggled her brows.
“I only have one girlfriend, and she’s Boneless Pizza.”
“Exactly.”
“Yeah, so please go.”
“Call her.” Sandrone suggested.
“What?”
“Call your girlfriend.”
“U-Uh… okay?” Bina started to dial Boneless Pizza’s number and eagerly waited for an answer. Sandrone’s phone started ringing loudly and Bina was annoyed.
“Please turn your phone silent, I am doing a phone call here.”
Sandrone sighed and looked at Bina amusedly. She answered her phone.
“I’m Boneless Pizza, you dumb Cheeseburger.”
“What…”
“Do you… Do you still like me? Now that you know it’s me.” Now it’s Sandrone’s turn to be nervous.
“I...is it really you?” Bina asked and Sandrone anxiously nodded her head.
Columbina paused and thought for a while. Surely, the universe is playing tricks on her. Who would have thought, that person she wants to date and the person she’s hitting on is someone she already knows for years? She smiled elated and realized something. They wasted so much time ignoring each other.
“My feelings for you when we’re chatting was true. Now you gave a face and a name on your thoughts, I still feel the same way for you. Online or not. It’s just kind of shocking that of all the people in the world, it has to be you. I mean, you used to hate me so much.” Bina calmly explained her side.
Sandrone’s face lightened up, “Can you shut up and kiss me back now?”
“I-I guess…”
Who would have thought that Bina’s soulmate is someone she knows for years whom she doesn’t pay attention to so much?
“Now about tonight…” Sandrone said and Columbina cut her off, “Tonight?”
“I’ll take you home tonight.” Sandrone smirked and Columbina was beet red, “W-Wait… aren’t you getting too fast?” she asked nervously.
“Girl, we have known each other for years! If anything, we’re slower than turtles!” Sandrone held Columbina’s hand.
Columbina smiled and said, “Surprise me.”
***
Later that night, Arle tried to create her own profile on the dating app.
“And for the nickname… hmmm, Carrots. Okay, create!”
Later on, she received a hate message that came from a user named ‘Furina’.
“Carrots are eww.”
‘This is fun’