Work Text:
"Time of death... 12:47 A.M." Dr.Cox said with a hefty weight to his voice. Losing a patient was hard, and like every cliche has ever said, it doesn't get easier. But, you do develop a certain... Desensitization to it. Dr.Cox had to in order to become the infamous doctor he was in that hospital. If he had a breakdown every time he lost a patient, the entire hospital would be in shambles. That didn't mean he didn't care, but that he had to be stronger than most people.
He'd been called cold-hearted more times than he could count, usually by people too incompetent to understand or even try to.
The patient they had just lost was a 26 year old mother of two. A nasty car accident had been what claimed her life, and although it was a devastating case, Dr.Cox was already preparing himself to move onto his next patient.
J.D on the other hand? He wasn't as strong as Cox just yet. He hadn't reached that level of professionalism, and deep down Dr.Cox didn't know if he could. The kid gave more shits in one day than Dr.Cox had given his entire life. J.D's hands shook as he stared down upon the body. The body. That's what it was now. His limbs felt heavier than they ever had before, like he couldn't lift them to save his own life, held down by grief for a woman he didn't even know. Held down by mourning for another human life. Dr.Cox spared a glance to his apprentice, it had only been to check on him before they both exited the room, but he found himself staring longer than he had intended.
J.D looked nothing short of gut wrenched. His eyes were locked on the patient but he wasn't looking at her, just past her. His pupils were jerky, his lips parted and mouth slightly open. He was lost in his own mind, as he often was, but under the circumstances it was much heavier than his simple day dreaming he did so constantly.
Dr.Cox snapped his fingers, trying to gain the younger mans attention.
"Hey. Come on. snap out of it. You're a doctor." He spat. His words were harsh, but there was no venom behind them. They didn't hit with the usual sting they were fired with. J.D just shook his head slowly, eyes never coming out of their lost gaze.
"She was a mother." He said quietly, his voice much heavier and deeper than Cox had ever heard it. Of course she had been a mother, they had lost numerous patients just like her before... Dr.Cox sighed and backed away from the bed with a slow nod, swallowing so his throat wasn't so dry.
"Yeah. She was. But so are some of your other patients, you know what you've gotta do." Dr.Cox said and walked over to J.D placing a file in his hand to prep him for his next patient. He was being cold, but it was the only way to keep J.D from making himself sick.
"You can't blame yourself." Dr.Cox said when J.D wouldn't take the file. He wouldn't even look away.
J.D wanted to argue. He wanted to say, if they weren't at fault, then who was? They were the doctors who were supposed to save her life, to get her home to her two children. They had failed. He had failed. He couldn't make out his own breathing. Was it too fast, or too slow? He had already forgotten what time it was, despite having heard Dr.Cox announce it just moments before.
When J.D still wouldn't budge, Dr.Cox felt himself getting a little unsettled. He'd never seen the kid like this, and although he'd constantly deny it, he did care about J.D. He was a fine doctor and he cared more than half of the people in that entire hospital, it only made sense he was torn up over this case. Dr.Cox reached out and hesitated, his hand hovering behind J.Ds back. It took him a few seconds, but he eventually placed a steady hand on J.D's back and led him out of the room into the hall.
"Get some air." He said as he guided J.D away from the corpse. J.D was shaking. Cox felt his heart clench just oh, so slightly. He cursed himself for it as he quietly closed the door behind them. The halls were mostly empty, most patients resting and the other nurses and doctors either taking a break or working on something.
The way J.D was breathing was heavy enough that his entire upper body was moving with each inhale and exhale. His eyes were watery, he hadn't blinked once since they had called it. And despite the fact Dr.Cox had no idea how to handle this... He couldn't find the heart to leave J.D like this.
Because he had seen this exact look before. He had felt, those exact feelings before.
It was the worst feeling. Just the WORST.
Dr.Cox was never too vulnerable or soft with... well. Anybody. But here he was, trying to think of what to say or do to make this a little easier for J.D. His hand was still on J.D's back since he had guided him out of the room. It just felt right, his palm rested just between J.D's shoulder blades. He could feel the ridges of the younger doctors spine against his hand.
"Pull yourself out of it newbie." He said, his tone faintly dosed with encouragement and hesitation. Everything around them was slowly fading away, Dr.Cox's attention solely on J.D and J.D dissociating so bad that his environment was fading away. Cox patted J.Ds back, realizing he was still only getting worse. He cursed under his breath slightly, rubbing underneath his eyes.
"J.D. C'mon, you're getting too in your head. You-.. We did everything we could. You can't let yourself get like this, you know that. Snap out of it." Dr.Cox said firmly and moved his hand up to J.D's shoulder. He gripped and shook him slightly, trying to physically help him out of the mental pit he had thrown himself into.
Finally, J.D looked up at Dr.Cox and.. Perry wished he hadn't despite the efforts he had gone through to make that very thing happen.
J.D's eyes were wide but not with shock, just with... guilt. Fear, even. Despite that, there was a heaviness in his gaze that made Cox feel like someone had just put boulders on his shoulders. But what really got him, were the tears slowly seeping out of the corners. He felt himself pull a face, but it was slight. A sympathetic wince, a furrowing of his brows... He couldn't quite tell himself.
They shared heavy eye contact, both at a loss of words. When a tear finally fell out of J.D's eye and rolled off his lashes, Dr.Cox breathed a little heavier before he did something that shocked them both.
He wrapped his arms around J.D, pulling him against his chest hastily. J.D felt his eyes widen, his chin resting on Dr.Cox's shoulder as he stared down the empty, haunting hallway.
"It's... It's gonna be okay." Dr.Cox said with a solemn sigh, putting his hands on J.D's back once again. J.D blinked a few times before he forced his arms up and around Dr.Cox. He slowly closed his eyes, his eyelids felt like they were each 10 pounds as he finally let himself rest for just a second.
"Thanks." J.D said simply, his voice a quiet whisper. They hadn't broken apart yet, mostly because that meant they'd have to make more eye contact. Dr.Cox cleared his throat before nodding, J.D could feel the movement against the side of his head.
"Don't mention it, seriously. Look." Dr.Cox pulled away, moving J.D so they were facing each other.
"I get it, but if you want this to be your career you're going to have to buck up. You'll lose patients, people will lose their mothers, you have to move forward. Nobody is gonna wait up for you if you stop trudging, you'll be left behind, and nobody's gonna stop their own course to come back and save you."
The words were burdensome, and they made J.D look down to the ground with guilt, but he was right. He knew being a doctor would come with this shit, he just... It was just hard. J.D felt his chest getting heavy, and Cox could tell it was, so he brought him back into the hug. He had snapped him out of it enough, the kid deserved a second.
"Cmon. You're alright." Dr.Cox sighed.
They stood there... for a while. Probably for too long, but eventually J.D let out a particularly heavy breath and pulled away, having finally gathered himself up enough to continue. He looked at Dr.Cox for a second, his eyes were red but no longer looked so .. hurt. Cox gave him a nod.
"You gonna be alright?" He asked, his eyes switching between J.D's. J.D thought for a moment before nodding and adjusting his clothes slightly.
"Good. Now, get back to work, Emma." Dr.Cox said and took a step back. J.D scoffed slightly at being called a female name, but smiled nonetheless before turning on his heels and walking away. He wasn't walking with his usual white boy swagger, but he at least didn't look 2 seconds away from a breakdown anymore.
That was enough for Dr.Cox to continue with his own shift.