Archive of Our Own

If Sunghoon had to pinpoint exactly when it all started, he’d say it was the first time they kissed.

But he knows very well that the attraction appeared way before that. Sunghoon’s aware Sunoo has him in a grip. Now and then.

He remembers vividly that Tuesday night, the way his heart rate spiked when the knock on his door was revealed to be Sunoo, and how pretty he looked under the low lights of his room. Sunghoon doesn’t pay attention to details. Yet Sunoo is an exception. Every single word, every expression, reaction—he kept it close to his heart, dearly.

“What’s on your mind?” Sunoo had asked.

Sunghoon’s thoughts were racing. “Not much. Why?”

“Can I lie down with you?”

It was the kind of question that left Sunghoon a bit astounded. Still, he nodded, and then Sunoo was by his side in bed, bodies too close to feel real. Winter can be harsh, and although the dorm has a heating system, nighttime temperatures can be very cold. That day was especially cool. And yet, Sunghoon’s body was burning. Each section of skin in touch with Sunoo’s was scorching, like a wildfire spreading across his flesh.

“You’re warm,” Sunghoon pointed out, and Sunoo giggled.

“You’re very warm,” he countered, shifting closer. “That’s why I’m cuddling you.”

At a loss for words, Sunghoon simply tried to remain calm. Breathing in and out, counting the seconds, but Sunoo could clearly tell how his chest was moving irregularly.

“Hyung,” then Sunoo called out, the sound of his voice echoing around the room.

“Yeah?”

“Would you kiss me?”

Again, a question that would leave anyone paralyzed. Sunghoon remembers the thousands of scenarios running through his head, the different possibilities, the outcomes. Yet he looked down, right at Sunoo’s lips. And nodded.

In the intimacy of Sunghoon’s room, the desk lamp being the only source of light, once their lips touched, Sunghoon knew he was doomed.

And he knew it wasn’t a big deal for Sunoo, that he would leave an hour later and pretend nothing happened. That he would go on with his life, meeting friends, going out, living. Sunghoon still fell for it.

Even so, being aware of how it denoted a before and after in him, Sunghoon fell.

-

It’s difficult to hide from the rest.

They all realize sooner or later something’s going on. Mainly because Sunghoon doesn’t control his body language, and even if he doesn’t talk, his eyes speak for him.

“What are you looking at?” Heeseung asks, raising one eyebrow.

“What?” He doesn’t catch the hidden intention behind the question.

“I mean, you’ve been staring at Sunoo for half an hour now,” gesturing at Sunoo practicing, Heeseung replies, a bit like a whisper.

“Sorry, I just—spaced out,” Sunghoon explains.

“You always space out, though.”

Looking down at his hands and blinking rapidly, Sunghoon attempts to play it off as normal and chuckles. “Well, exactly. I wasn’t staring at anyone in particular.”

“Okay, just making sure,” Heeseung glances at Sunoo again, “if you two fought or something, you can tell me.”

In a way, he wishes it were a fight.

“We haven’t fought.”

Sunoo looks their way. Sunghoon gulps. And it’s clear that Heeseung notices, yet he doesn’t direct attention to it, thankfully.

“Well, you can talk to me anytime, okay?”

Sunghoon nods as Heeseung gets up and heads towards the rest, who are individually rehearsing. He takes a sip of water and joins them.

It’s all in his head, he’s aware, but Sunghoon feels tense, senses the atmosphere switching as soon as he stands beside Sunoo ready to practice. Looking in the mirror and avoiding him is hard, it’s not easy when Sunoo has such a strong aura, such an alluring spirit.

When he messes up the choreography, he blames the fatigue that has taken over and apologizes. Sunoo’s lips, Sunoo’s hands, Sunoo’s body. That’s all he thinks about.

It’s not fair.

-

At around 3 a.m. Sunghoon is awakened from his sleep by a sudden noise.

He opens one eye and sees Sunoo putting on a jacket, hurriedly. So Sunghoon sits up and frowns, now focusing on him with clarity.

“What happened?” Sunghoon asks, a bit worried.

“Oh,” Sunoo appears to be flustered, “sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“Where are you going?” It comes out harsher than expected, making Sunoo raise one eyebrow at him.

“Somewhere.”

Sunghoon’s stomach sinks as he glances at the clock. “At 3 a.m?”

“Yeah, why?” His words cut deep, like a knife stabbing him slowly.

“Uhm, nothing. I just… Isn’t it a bit risky?” And he truly means it. Sunoo usually hangs out with his friends during the day, and everyone knows them. Perhaps it’s jealousy, Sunghoon won’t deny it, but it’s still dangerous for them to be going out after midnight.

“Maybe,” Sunoo says, grabbing his phone and pocketing it, “we’ll see.”

No goodbye, no explanation. Sunoo leaves the room and the freezing air suddenly blankets Sunghoon, suffocating him. The empty space in bed beside him mockingly stares back, and it’s impossible to go back to sleep after that. Overthinking has been a recurring theme for Sunghoon lately, especially late at night. And maybe he’s not at fault here, because they were kissing just a few hours ago, and it was all perfect. Sunghoon felt warm, happy.

At the same time, his mind adds, Sunoo doesn’t owe him any kind of justification. He can do whatever he likes, doesn’t matter how heated their kisses become, or how Sunoo would hold Sunghoon’s chin with soft and delicate hands as if he feels something.

The problem is crystal clear. Sunghoon feels. Sunoo doesn’t.

So when Sunghoon grabs his phone, opening Instagram to distract himself for a bit, and there’s a story from Sunoo’s private account posted five minutes ago, his body goes taut. Sunoo is posing with a guy Sunghoon doesn’t recognize, and it hurts. He feels a sharp pain right in his chest as he sees the heart emojis used.

It’s pointless. He turns around and closes his eyes, squeezing hard until his vision is dotted.

Alone and sleepless, Sunghoon spends the night staring at the ceiling.

He needs to begin to resist.

-

Resisting is hard when Kim Sunoo is lying on your chest and his hair tickles your neck.

“What do you think?” He asks, replaying the TikTok he had filmed earlier.

Sunghoon remains focused on the warmth of Sunoo’s body against his. “Huh?”

Sunoo looks at him, twisting his neck up, and grins. “You’re not paying attention, are you?”

“Sorry.”

“Just tell me,” he fully faces him, “do I look cute?”

“You’re always cute,” it slips right out of Sunghoon, no filter. Sunoo chuckles.

“I know, but I don’t think the angle is right…”

Spacing out once again, Sunghoon doesn’t hear what he says next. He only sees his plush lips moving, glimmering because he just applied lipgloss, and knowing it tastes like cherries drives Sunghoon crazy.

“God, hyung, don’t look at me like that,” Sunoo pouts. Sunghoon feels something breaking inside him.

“Like what?” He asks out of curiosity, really.

“Like you want to eat me.”

Actually, Sunghoon is thinking about many things. Kissing is one of them. But there are so many scenarios playing in his head, so many possibilities—a future together, a dinner date, holding hands and talking about nonsense until midnight. He cooperates, though.

“I mean…” Sunghoon smirks. “You know I really like cherries.”

Sunoo closes the distance first. And Sunghoon can’t resist. He just can’t. When he tastes the lipgloss, and Sunoo’s tongue probes at his mouth, he forgets. One of his hands finds its way through Sunoo’s hair, and the other one holds his jaw and keeps him in place, for him to never part, to never pull back, to maintain this moment forever. Sunghoon wants it all.

Once the need for air is overwhelming, Sunghoon lets Sunoo go and breathe, then sees the spark in his eyes and dives right in again.

They end up making out lazily, exploring each other softly, until their lips become numb, all red and painted in spit. It’s a thrilling experience every time. No matter how many times they kiss, each one is special. Unique.

As soon as Sunoo places his head back on Sunghoon’s chest, he feels his heart beating erratically once more, and it scares him for a moment. Not only because Sunoo will hear it, will wonder what provokes such a reaction in Sunghoon, but because he’s never felt this way before. No one has ever made his hands sweat so much, palpitations taking over. It’s terrifying. Sunoo is his bandmate, after all, and it’s wrong in so many aspects. Sunghoon should care, yet he doesn’t.

He’s too far into it to care.

-

Jay is the first one to know. Not to notice, but to properly know about it all.

And it’s not because he walks in on them, or because Sunghoon tells him with honesty. Jay basically pulls it out of him, after Sunghoon almost cries in front of him and has no other choice but to explain the situation.

“How long has it been going on for?”

Just thinking about it makes Sunghoon tremble. He answers sincerely, though. “Three months.”

“You’ve liked him for three months and said nothing?” Jay questions.

“No… I’ve liked him for longer,” he admits.

“What?”

Sunghoon is so ashamed that he just looks down, avoiding blinking so the tears that start forming don’t fall.

“Hoon… Are you in love?” Jay pushes. It breaks Sunghoon in a million pieces.

The idea of love is something that Sunghoon hasn’t thought about consciously. It’s frightening and despairing. Still, he knows the idea has been installed in the back of his mind from day one. When Sunoo stopped being the cute guy who wanted to be closer to him because he was cuter than Jake and became the presence that he is today.

So he nods, lets the teardrop roll down his cheek.

“Talk to me, please,” he sounds concerned and Sunghoon just feels terrible. At least no one is around, so he allows himself to be real and upfront.

“Well, at first… I don’t know, it was just attraction, or some sort of curiosity. He’s always been enchanting, we all know that… And I guess I fell for it. I never asked for anything and that’s my fault, you know? But sometimes I wish he looked at me differently… Not just someone he can kiss and forget. I never forget. I remember every single kiss vividly, and it hurts.”

As another tear falls, Jay places a hand on his back. “Hey, it’s—”

“And I love him so much, it’s not fair,” Sunghoon sighs, sniffing, “I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot, Hoon, trust me,” Jay reassures him. “It’s a difficult situation, but you’re doing your best, okay?”

“My best is not enough—”

“It is enough.”

The inner emptiness doesn’t let him breathe. Sunghoon tries to hold back the rest of the tears but fails, full-on sobbing now. Jay holds him, warmly, being the supportive friend that he is, and attempts to relax Sunghoon by patting him. Sometimes words aren’t needed, especially with Sunghoon. And Jay is very aware of that.

After a few minutes of silence and not making eye contact, Sunghoon dares to look up, staring at Jay, wearing his heart on his sleeve.

“Thank you,” he tells him, genuinely, “I needed… This.”

“We all need to cry and express our feelings, no worries,” Jay smiles, “so don’t overthink it. Let me know how you feel, because I can and will help.”

Sunghoon gives him a faint smile. It’s all he can do.

Now he’s not alone and lost, at least.

-

Sunoo
hey hyung are you there?

Sunoo
i’m outside your door

Sunoo
ok it’s fine if you don’t wanna open just tell me

Opening one eye at a time, Sunghoon barely discerns the text.

Sunghoon
Sorry, I was asleep

Sunghoon
Did you leave?

Sunoo
i’m talking to jungwonie
wait for me

A few minutes later, there’s a knock on his door and Sunghoon gets up quickly, checking himself in the mirror as he walks by.

To his surprise, it’s not Sunoo standing outside.

Jungwon smiles at Sunghoon, whose face falls instantly. “Hey, hyung.”

“Hey… Did something happen?” Sunghoon asks, looking around, expecting Sunoo to be behind him.

“Just wanted to talk to you,” he replies, “are you busy?”

“Oh, no, come in,” stepping aside and letting Jungwon in, Sunghoon’s hands begin sweating.

There are infinite reasons why Jungwon could be visiting him, wanting to talk. Good or bad. And Sunghoon is obviously thinking about the unpleasant scenarios—getting reprimanded by his performance during practice lately, the lack of energy, or Jungwon wanting Sunghoon to back off from Sunoo, completely.

He seemingly examines Sunghoon’s room and then sits down on the edge of his bed. The silence is too loud.

“What did you want to talk about?” Sunghoon asks, unable to bear the quiet before the storm.

“I just wanna know what’s going on between you and Sunoo-hyung,” he begins, “like, you’ve just been weird lately, I know you’re tired and I’m never demanding, but as a leader I don’t want you two to be… off.”

“Did Sunoo tell you anything?” The question comes out rather filled with panic, and it’s noticeable in Sunghoon’s voice. He doesn’t know what he’s dealing with, if Sunoo disclosed it or not.

“Was he supposed to tell me something?” Jungwon counters, squinting his eyes.

“No… I mean—I don’t know, we haven’t fought or anything. Maybe we’re both just exhausted,” Sunghoon explains, avoiding eye contact.

“I know, hyung, but I’m worried about you. You know you can trust me, right?”

He nods. Even if he trusts the members deeply, this isn’t an issue that only involves Sunghoon. Sunoo is part of it, too. It was a mistake breaking down in front of Jay, already, and Sunghoon can’t allow himself to fail once again.

“I’ll try my best, Wonie. Thank you for checking in.”

“Then…” Jungwon gets up, looks around once more, and heads to the door. “I’ll get to my room. Text me if you need anything, okay?”

“Yes,” Sunghoon watches him leave and quickly closes the door, leaning against it.

The thing is, he doesn’t mind the others knowing. He doesn’t care if they know Sunoo and Sunghoon are something. What Sunghoon doesn’t want is them finding out how pathetic he is, how weak Sunoo makes him, how devoted he is to him. And how little Sunoo cares, in contrast.

Sunoo
did you tell him?

Sunghoon
No
I didn’t

Sunoo
good

Sunghoon
I thought you did

Sunoo
i would never

It breaks his heart. Again and again. A never-ending heartache.

-

The guy Sunoo is seeing is handsome.

Sunghoon stares at the screen of his phone, the latest story Sunoo uploaded paused, a picture of the man he had posted before, except he’s not wearing a mask now. And it’s infuriating, seeing pretty people all around Sunoo. He’s well aware that Sunoo is a magnet, it’s not weird for potential interests to approach him, to trail after him, their gazes following his movements.

Low self-esteem is not something Sunghoon deals with, he actually believes he’s attractive, given that he gets praised every day, and it’s his job to look good. So he knows it’s purely jealousy, envying that they get to go out, take pictures, probably kiss and hold hands without a single care in the world.

He simply can’t afford to do that with Sunoo. No matter how much he desires it.

Sighing, Sunghoon locks his phone and gets up, planning on working out to de-stress for a bit. The gym is a place he enjoys, where he gets distracted while exercising and listening to music, and those thoughts get pushed to the back of his mind.

As soon as his hand meets the knob, a knock echoes around. He freezes.

Sunoo appears startled by the speed at which Sunghoon opened the door, not expecting him to be right behind it. Once his expression relaxes and his shoulders drop, Sunoo smiles.

It’s so unfair, because Sunghoon melts, forgetting about doing any kind of pull-ups, forgetting about the other guy, forgetting about his own dignity.

“Hey,” Sunoo says, “were you expecting me?”

“Not really,” Sunghoon is honest. Still, he moves back and allows Sunoo inside.

“Well, I’m here now,” walking in, he spins and sits down on Sunghoon’s bed. “Do you mind?”

He should tell him to go away, to go back to his room, to forget about him. But Sunghoon doesn’t want to, feelings overwhelming and vivid, he lets himself be tossed around like a toy. Sunoo looks divine, and he’s wearing that one gray hoodie that’s too big on him, one of Sunghoon’s weaknesses. It’s as if he knows.

“You know I don’t mind,” Sunghoon replies.

“Were you going somewhere?”

“To the gym,” truly, he doesn’t know why lying doesn’t come easier to him.

“Oh, you can go,” Sunoo tells him, “I can leave.”

“No,” Sunghoon states, “stay.”

It’s filled with earnest wishes, fervent ideas, pure yearning, longing. Sunoo grins and pats the mattress beside him, signaling Sunghoon to sit down. Of course, he obediently sits by his side and looks down at his hands.

When Sunoo places a hand on his thigh, he knows it’s over.

No matter how deep Sunghoon pushes his tongue into Sunoo’s mouth, the nagging thought that there’s someone else doesn’t leave him. The idea that someone who’s not him gets to touch Sunoo, to undress him, to feel his lips and skin—it drives Sunghoon insane. He presses his lips along Sunoo’s neck, wanting to sink his teeth into him badly, but he knows the rules very well by now. No marks. No staying over. No attachment.

“Hyung,” Sunoo whimpers, throwing his head back. “Please.”

Sunghoon continues kissing his collarbone and teases with his tongue, doesn’t answer, just buries himself so profoundly into Sunoo’s skin that he gets drunk on his perfume, his scent.

With both hands on his face, Sunoo guides him back to his mouth, kisses Sunghoon deeply, and then pulls back, eyes meeting.

“Please.”

“Please what?” Sunghoon asks, voice hoarse.

“Touch me.”

For a moment, he freezes, and wonders what Sunoo means exactly. Because they’ve never done anything beyond making out heavily, neck kissing included. That’s as far as they’ve gone. Sunghoon has touched Sunoo’s waist, his hand meeting his skin, and he has taken his shirt off, but it wasn’t usual. And it wasn’t sex.

“You mean… Like—”

“Here,” he grabs Sunghoon’s hand and places it on his butt. “Just, touch me, please.”

Sunghoon doesn’t think twice. Both his hands cup Sunoo’s ass and he joins their lips again, fixing their position so Sunoo sits on top of him and he can hold him properly. Like that, a fire erupts. He feels as if he’s outside his own body, unable to control it, or himself, letting out a moan or two whenever Sunoo’s hips move just right.

It’s easy to forget, because the eagerness and arousal are overflowing, taking over every single thought and action. His hands explore Sunoo’s back under the hoodie and Sunghoon feels so entranced he doesn’t notice the overly obvious bulge he’s wearing.

Until Sunoo’s crotch meets his, and Sunghoon whines. Loudly.

“Is that okay?” Sunoo asks. Sunghoon nods, grabbing his ass once again. In that position, being encouraged by Sunghoon’s hands, Sunoo grinds down.

If there’s a heaven Sunghoon is near it. His entire body, aflame, follows Sunoo’s movements. Their kisses become messy, and at one point, they just pant into each other’s mouths.

“Yeah,” Sunghoon utters, “like that.”

“Fuck, hyung,” and then their eyes meet. A combination of Sunoo cursing, his body pushing down, and their gazes connecting—all lead to Sunghoon coming in his pants, followed right after by Sunoo.

They fall back into the mattress, breathing heavily. No one mentions it at first, and Sunghoon’s too deep in a haze to point anything out. Sunoo remains silent, looking at the ceiling, and once a few minutes go by, Sunghoon dares to speak.

“I…” He begins, pauses, glancing at Sunoo by his side. Now, it all dawns on him. “I’m gonna go clean up.”

Perhaps it isn’t the smartest idea, getting up and leaving Sunoo alone, post-orgasm clarity hitting both of them. But Sunghoon panics, and he needs to look in the mirror and tell himself to calm down. So he grabs a pair of boxers from his closet and heads to the bathroom, closing the door and leaning against it, his breath becoming erratic.

Did they just hump each other? Did he make Sunoo come? Was it sex?

Sunghoon gets changed and attempts some breathing exercises, so he doesn’t look crazier in front of Sunoo. Freaking out and scaring him isn’t good. He can overthink it later, for now, he needs to face Sunoo and maybe even talk about it.

The bed is empty. He looks around, blinks once, twice. His room isn’t big, and Sunoo isn’t there.

It’s worrying, the way Sunghoon’s chest hurts. Like a deep wound, a cut that’s constantly bleeding. He feels void, inside, outside, in every sense of the word. Sunghoon looks for his phone and opens Sunoo’s chat, types and deletes, waits because maybe—maybe Sunoo will text him, will come back after getting cleaned up.

An eternal night, it is.

Sunoo doesn’t show up, doesn’t message him, becomes a mere ghost beside Sunghoon.

-

It should’ve been a sign for them to stop.

A reminder for them not to do this anymore. A hint that it won't work.

Yet Sunghoon keeps falling, every single time. Every kiss, every touch, falling deeper into it. The grinding situation was just the start, seemingly. Now their make-out sessions cross the line each time, that invisible barrier that held them back before becoming nothing when Sunoo places himself on Sunghoon’s lap.

Once again, awakened by a sudden noise, Sunghoon opens his eyes and manages to distinguish Sunoo’s figure in the dark, putting on a shirt. It’s pathetic that, being this far into it, Sunghoon’s heart still shatters.

“Hey,” he mutters, “you’re leaving?”

Sunoo turns around, wide-eyed. “You scared me! Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have fallen asleep… I know we don’t do this,” Sunghoon tells him, sitting up.

For a moment, Sunghoon thinks he catches a slight disappointment in Sunoo’s expression, but he’s quick to face away and put on a hoodie.

“Don’t worry, I’m leaving,” he says, clearing his throat.

“Where?”

“A friend’s,” Sunoo replies, heading to the door.

Jealousy takes control of Sunghoon, then. He senses it, in Sunoo’s voice, in the way he behaves. It’s not a friend. And Sunghoon can’t do anything about it, no matter how much he wants to speak up, to tell Sunoo to stay and explain, he simply remains quiet and watches Sunoo leave, heartbeat slowing down, his shoulders falling.

That’s when Sunghoon realizes, or measures, how deep he has fallen.

Because as soon as the door closes, a tear rolls down his cheek and he shakes his head, attempting to suppress the inevitable. Sunghoon feels his chest closing, his hands shaking, pressing on his eyes. He’s just a friend, a coworker, a mere casual link.

And Sunoo is everything. He’s the sun, hitting pale skin just right, and he’s the warmth of a cozy bed on a cold night. He’s the blue in a clear sky, bright and welcoming, the kind of laughter that resonates around the entire room. He’s the flowers blooming during spring and every single perfume with vanilla notes, sweet and tender. He’s a language that’s rarely spoken, eccentric and divine. Sunoo is celestial, angelic. Godlike.

Heaven wasn’t something Sunghoon thought of until he met Sunoo.

With blurry vision, all clouded by tears, he looks around for that one shirt Sunoo left once and never retrieved. Discarded and forgotten, exactly how Sunghoon feels. It’s under his bed, crinkled up. Yet when he grabs it and smells it, Sunoo’s perfume lingers.

A strong scent that feels like a band-aid on his broken heart. It hurts, but if Sunghoon closes his eyes tightly enough, he’s able to picture Sunoo by his side.

He’s there, holding Sunghoon firmly and wiping his tears away, telling him that it’ll be fine. That they’ll make it. That he loves him. That it’s real.

It’s not. Sunoo leaves, a trail of angel dust behind him, Sunghoon’s heart in hand. And Sunghoon bleeds, cries, dries up inside until he finally falls asleep.

His dreams are filled with hazel eyes and soft, porcelain skin. They walk through a field of tall and green grass, hand in hand, their smiles glowing under the sun. It’s peaceful and quiet, only the sounds of their steps and distant birds can be heard. No one interrupts, no one minds.

Waking up alone and cold is usual for Sunghoon, by now. It’s no surprise the shirt ends up on the floor again.

The heaviness in his chest becomes unbearable, though.

-

Just as they noticed the change in Sunoo and Sunghoon’s relationship at the beginning, they all perceive that something is clearly wrong now.

But what Sunghoon least expects, is to be confronted by Riki.

Sunghoon walks into the gym with his earphones in, drowning out the noise inside his head. At first, he doesn’t notice Riki is on the treadmill next to the exercise bikes until he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around, startled, Sunghoon faces a concerned Riki.

“Hey, sorry,” he pauses the music, “didn’t see you.”

“You okay?” Riki asks. The dark circles under his eyes are evident, but for some reason, Sunghoon doesn’t think that’s what he’s about.

“Yeah,” a white lie, it is, “why do you ask?”

“Well… I won’t lie to you, hyung,” stopping the machine and leaning against it, Riki says, “I saw Sunoo crying yesterday. When I asked about it, he just brushed it off, saying it was a sad movie he just watched and didn’t expect the ending. A pretty good reasoning, y’know? But I know it’s not true.”

Sunghoon looks away. “Why do you think it’s not true?”

“Because I know him. And I also know you, hyung. You don’t look well, it worries me,” he replies, “it’s not hard to connect the dots, actually.”

“What are you implying?”

“You two have something going on.”

“That’s not—”

“I’ve seen him coming out of your room many times, hyung. You two are not as slick as you think you are,” once Riki clarifies, the panic begins to take over Sunghoon’s body, and he gulps, looking for the right words, an excuse.

“We just… Like to spend time together and play games lately, it’s not weird,” Sunghoon justifies.

“Games in bed together?”

His throat closes up. “What?”

“Hyung, you know what I mean…” Riki presses. Sunghoon feels his cheeks heating up.

“Listen—it’s not what it looks like at all, we’re not—we’re not anything, okay? We just have fun and then forget about it, I swear it’s not deep and,” he pauses to breathe, “you shouldn’t be snooping around.”

“I’m not snooping,” his tone changes, defensive now, “you two are just obvious, and I’m worried. You would be worried too.”

“Stop worrying, Riki. This doesn’t concern you, at all.”

Riki rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Sunghoon starts riding the bike, ignoring the look Riki sends his way. He simply speeds up.

“It’s gonna come back to bite you,” he tells Sunghoon.

And he’s absolutely right. Sunghoon is very aware of the fact that every action has consequences, and that he’s already experiencing those outcomes from decisions he made before. Not leaving, not stopping, not cutting it off. Being addicted to Sunoo is slowly killing him, and soon he’ll be a living death.

“I’ll deal with it,” Sunghoon says after a minute. They both resume their workout.

Sunoo
hey hyung
are you busy?

Sunghoon
I’m at the gym

Sunoo
well
can i wait in your room?

Sunghoon
Yes
You can

Sunoo
great

-

“Do you think I’m cute?”

Sunghoon frowns at Sunoo’s sudden question. They’re lying on the couch in the living room because Riki, Jake and Heeseung have a schedule, and Jay and Jungwon went out somewhere he didn’t catch, too focused on the fact that they’d have the whole dorm to themselves. His chest feels lighter, with Sunoo’s head on it.

“Why do you ask?” Still, he replies.

“Just wondering…” Sunoo mutters.

“You’re cute,” Sunghoon admits. “But you already know that.”

“You can be cute too, hyung,” Sunoo looks at him, “sometimes.”

“Really? Just sometimes?”

“Yes, not always,” his eyes twinkle. And oh, Sunghoon is so in love. “You’re handsome, though.”

“Am I?” He teases.

“Very handsome.”

“Really?” Sunghoon raises one eyebrow, inching closer to Sunoo, whose smile broadens.

“Yes,” Sunoo replies. “Sooo handsome.”

Placing his hands on Sunoo’s sides and shifting closer, Sunghoon digs his fingers into his skin, knowing how ticklish he is. Once he hears the first giggle erupting from Sunoo, he grins.

“Hyung,” putting his knees up and trying to push Sunghoon away, Sunoo pleads, “please, it tickles.”

Reveling in the teasing, the laughter, the joy—Sunghoon cages him and presses their foreheads together, continuing to poke his sides. Sunoo throws his head back and kicks him, but Sunghoon keeps at it, and leans in.

“How handsome am I?” He provokes, asking again.

“You’re—” Sunoo giggles, then calms down and stares into Sunghoon’s eyes. “You’re so fucking hot.”

Sunghoon freezes. They both stop laughing and Sunghoon’s face transforms, something inside him switches, and he feels the fire starting at the pit of his stomach. Wasting no more time than a few seconds, Sunghoon immediately joins their lips, a kiss that was needed.

Sunoo relaxes and threads his fingers through Sunghoon’s hair, pulling him in, licking into his mouth and making a noise Sunghoon happily swallows. It’s messy and fast-paced, but it feels good, electricity running all through their bodies. There’s desperation and desire, although they’re not in a rush, something pushes them to devour each other. Sunghoon bites down on Sunoo’s bottom lip and basks in the sounds that come out of him, hands shifting to his waist.

The kiss is heated from the first moment, and Sunghoon feels himself gradually losing control, falling into Sunoo as if he’s a black hole.

In a haze, apparently neither of them hear the front door opening.

“Sunoo-hyung!” It’s Jungwon, shouting. “I’ve been texting you—”

Panicked, Sunghoon pulls back and turns around. Jungwon will never forget the view of Sunghoon hovering over Sunoo, both their mouths red, on their shared couch. His eyes are wide and it takes him some time to react properly, retreating and looking away.

“Oh god, sorry, uhm,” Jungwon utters, “I’ll leave.”

The door closes with a dull sound. And then it’s silent.

Sunoo is frozen under him, so Sunghoon doesn’t utter a word and moves back, away from him, leaving him space to breathe and process it. They’re both sitting still, attempting to come up with something to say. A reaction, an idea. Anything.

“I…” Sunghoon tries, he thinks hard, but nothing appears.

“I’ll talk to him,” Sunoo states, then.

“Are you sure?”

“I need to try, hyung,” he replies, “sorry, I—God, we’re so dumb.”

In a way, inside his twisted mind, there’s relief. It’s not as if Sunghoon wanted Jungwon to know, but somehow it takes them one step forward, towards the rest knowing and accepting it. And maybe Sunoo will change his mind then, no more hiding, no more secrets and affairs. Perhaps he’ll look at Sunghoon with stars in his eyes.

He doesn’t say any of that, of course. Sunghoon glances at Sunoo and then focuses back on his hands resting on his lap. “Don’t be sorry, we—it’s gonna be fine.”

“God,” Sunoo mumbles and gets up, grabbing his phone. “I’ll call him.”

“Right now?” He asks, more worried about Sunoo leaving.

“Is it a bad idea?”

“I mean, just… Let him process it,” Sunghoon suggests and Sunoo sits back down.

“Okay.”

Before they can overthink it any more, Jake, Heeseung and Riki show up. The only one who looks at them properly is Riki, clearly, because he knows something is going on. Jake and Heeseung fight over who gets to shower in the biggest bathroom, and then disappear.

Sunoo seemingly takes the chance to leave, too, he vanishes and it’s only Sunghoon and Riki in the living room.

“Everything okay?” Riki asks, after a minute of them being in complete silence while Sunghoon spaces out.

“It’s fine,” he nods, “it’ll be fine.”

It’s ridiculous how Sunghoon still convinces himself he’ll make it out alive.

-

Jungwon knowing doesn’t change their dynamic.

Allegedly, Sunoo already talked to him and explained the situation. Sunghoon wishes he could’ve heard the conversation, just to know how Sunoo described their relationship. Maybe it’s for the better that he didn’t, given that they still kiss and act like coworkers the next minute. Nothing changes, and Sunghoon begins losing hope.

“Why don’t you just tell him?” Jay suggests, nonchalantly, washing the dishes.

Sunghoon stares at his back. “What exactly?”

“That you like him, or well, love him,” he replies and Sunghoon pierces his skin with his eyes.

“He’ll freak out,” Sunghoon observes, “I know him, and he’ll just break it off and distance himself.”

“And isn’t that better than this?”

In a way, it should be, but Sunghoon can’t allow himself to lose Sunoo.

“Do you think we’ll be able to pretend in front of the cameras as if nothing happened?” He counters.

“Well…” Jay says, “you’re already doing it.”

“How?”

Jay puts down a mug and turns around, facing him. “You’re already pretending in front of the cameras, they don’t know half of the things you two get up to. If you tell him how you feel, what’s the worst that could happen? Not to mention he probably likes you, too.”

“Jay, it’s not that easy,” Sunghoon sighs, “I’m in too deep now, there’s no going back. I can’t tell him and risk ruining everything. Because it’s not the same, we can pretend to be just bandmates, but I don’t think we’ll be able to pretend we haven’t fought.”

“You two could talk and not fight,” Jay insists, “I mean, if he likes you—”

“He doesn’t like me, at least not like I do,” there’s a twinge of sadness in his voice.

“You never know…”

“I just… Can’t afford the risk,” Sunghoon laments.

Facing the sink and continuing with the dishes, Jay appears to deliberate what to tell him. It’s a complex situation, Sunghoon knows, and he doesn’t expect excellent advice because there’s absolutely nothing he can do to reverse the past.

“Some things are worth the risk,” Jay muses, then.

Truthfully, Sunghoon would put everything on the line for Sunoo. But the group is important for him, too, and he can’t let them down. Can’t have fans dissecting why Sunoo and Sunghoon fought, why they don’t look at each other anymore, why they’re disheartened. It’s dangerous for the whole team. So as long as he can have just a small portion of what Sunoo is, Sunghoon will survive.

As long as Sunoo is there, willing to kiss his lips and laugh at his jokes.

-

Sunoo keeps stealing glances at him, or maybe Sunghoon has officially gone insane.

They’re practicing for their upcoming show in Germany, which makes Sunghoon nervous because it’s going to be their first overseas concert, even if it’s a festival—there’s pressure to do it perfectly. And Sunoo doesn’t stop peeking at Sunghoon, their eyes meeting when they both look in the mirror

His gaze feels like bullets on skin. It burns, turning his body aflame. Sunghoon avoids him, focusing on doing the moves right, on not tripping or messing up the entire choreography.  Yet he feels it, piercing through him.

By the time Jungwon tells them to take a break, Sunghoon is covered in sweat and his bangs stick to his forehead, in a disgusting way.

He grabs his bottle of water and takes a long, refreshing sip. Coincidentally, he looks at Sunoo just as he’s staring at him, so he swallows and puts the bottle down, turning around. Sunghoon’s shirt is damp and he’s overwhelmed by the need for a shower, but there’s a long practice ahead of them, and he’ll have to deal with the discomfort.

Then, Sunoo is by his side, too close and too tangible.

“Are you tired, hyung?” He asks, a smile dancing around his lips.

“Just a bit,” Sunghoon replies. It’s hard to maintain a composed expression.

“Can I tell you something?” This time, Sunoo leans in, sort of whispering in his ear. Sunghoon tenses.

“Yeah?”

“You look pretty good like this,” Sunoo purrs, “all sweaty and out of breath.”

Sunghoon tenses and looks around quickly, making sure no one pays attention to them.

“Sunoo…” He mutters, “we’re not alone.”

“I know,” his smile turns into a smirk, “just wanted to rile you up. Did it work?”

As he notices they’re all in their own world, Sunghoon faces Sunoo and raises an eyebrow. “Maybe, does it turn you on?”

When Sunoo’s cheeks go a light pink color, Sunghoon feels satisfied and smiles, happy to still be able to have any sort of effect over him.

“Maybe, do you want to know?” Sunoo replies, then, looking Sunghoon up and down.

He grabs his water bottle and takes a determined sip, keeping eye contact at all times. Instantly, Sunoo gulps and looks away. Sunghoon bumps their shoulders together, teasingly pushing him and reveling in the way Sunoo’s eyes crinkle when he grins, punching Sunghoon’s arm.

“Hey, lovebirds!” Jungwon exclaims and pulls Sunghoon and Sunoo back down to earth. “We’re starting.”

Sunghoon flushes. His face is probably painted a scarlet red, and he glances at Sunoo, who remains calm and giggles, wondering how he does it.

They join the rest and begin rehearsing, both tuning in properly. In the air, something shifts, though. Because Sunghoon feels lighter, as weightless as a feather, a leaf dancing with the wind. Free, in a way. And it’s liberating, for once Sunghoon loosens up, his muscles relaxing as they let go of the tension he’s constantly experiencing.

He doesn’t make the effort to hide, masking his thoughts or urges. This time, Sunghoon allows himself to freely sneak a few looks at Sunoo, even if the others realize, even if Sunoo is too focused on dancing he doesn’t reciprocate.

Panting and exhausted, they finish practice for the day. Their manager actually congratulates them for the energy they put into it, and tells them to be ready for tomorrow, since they need to prepare for the festival correctly—such an appearance overseas needs to be executed professionally to attract more international fans.

As the water from the shower runs down Sunghoon’s body, he exhales, a deep, long breath. It all gets washed out, the sweat, the shame, the tension. Whatever he was holding, he lets go.

A seed of hopefulness gets planted inside his head. He doesn’t acknowledge it, simply lets it exist.

-

They land in Frankfurt at noon after a 12-hour flight.

Sunghoon is exhausted, and all he wants to do is sleep for the rest of the day. Planes are not exactly as comfortable as a hotel bed, no matter how premium their seats are.

Getting into the van after exiting the airport, their manager makes sure they’re all inside and then explains the rooming situation.

“Okay, guys, there are three rooms,” he says, “two of them have only queen-sized beds, and the other one has three individual beds. We’ll get there in fifteen minutes, maybe, so choose who you want to share with.”

Instantly, Jay raises his hand. “I want Heeseung-hyung.”

“Why?” Jungwon looks offended.

“He’s a peaceful sleeper, Riki and Sunghoon snore too much, and you hug me like a pillow until I can’t breathe,” he explains, “so if I have to share a bed, I choose Heeseung-hyung.”

Heeseung laughs and shrugs, accepting his fate. Still, even if Sunghoon is already fearing the results, he remains calm.

“I’ll go with the individual beds,” Jake opts.

“Okay, me too,” now Jungwoon chooses.

Riki looks around and ponders for a bit. “I prefer the single bed, too.”

“So,” Heeseung begins recounting, “Jay and I, then Jake, Jungwon and Riki… Sunghoon and Sunoo?”

The realization has Sunghoon petrified, as they all look at Sunoo and Sunghoon with mischief in their eyes, awaiting a reaction. Even Jake, whom Sunghoon has not explicitly told yet, grins playfully. He feels exposed, completely open in front of them. Nothing comes to mind, but thankfully Sunoo is quick to reply.

“Yeah, I don’t mind,” he says, collectedly.

Jungwon chuckles and mumbles, “Of course you don’t.”

Sunoo shoots him a knowing look, turning around to face the window, and Sunghoon starts mentally preparing himself for what’s about to come. To what could potentially be his downfall. Sunghoon isn’t as strong as he appears, especially when everyone knows Sunoo is his weakness.

And now they’re going to share a room. And a bed. There’s really no way out.

The hotel is huge and luxurious, and they’re received warmly, immediately guiding the group to each of their rooms so they can rest and get comfortable. Sunghoon walks along Sunoo, following their manager, and the anticipation becomes almost tangible.

As the room is revealed and they walk in, taking in the fancy decoration and considerable size, Sunoo places his bags by the side and jumps into the large bed, spreading his arms and legs while sighing.

Once the manager leaves and closes the door, Sunghoon relaxes. Unwinds, his facial expression changing quickly. A smile wraps around his entire head, just thinking about being alone with Sunoo, sleeping by his side, feeling the warmth of his body in the privacy of their room. It’s thrilling, even if he was afraid before, now Sunghoon can only think about the infinite possibilities.

“This bed is so comfy,” Sunoo comments. “Come lie down with me.”

When Sunghoon sits by his side and Sunoo tugs at his jacket for him to fall back on the mattress, there’s tension. And when they breathe, the air becomes thick. Every inch of his body is covered in goosebumps, and it’s pathetic, because their knees touch and Sunghoon reacts as if they’ve never touched before. Palms clammy, heart racing, thoughts overwhelming. Like a first time, a newfound crush.

“We’ll get some good sleep here,” Sunghoon observes, staring at the ceiling, feeling Sunoo’s eyes burning through his flesh.

“Yeah,” Sunoo agrees, “for sure.”

It’s fuzzy, how time works. They begin unpacking some of their clothes, then check the bathroom and the view from their window, talking nonsense until it’s dark outside and their stomachs hurt.

In fact, Sunghoon laughs when Sunoo’s stomach rumbles.

“Shut up,” punching his arm, Sunoo mutters. “Order us some food.”

“Why me?”

“Because your English is better than mine, duh,” and even if Sunghoon isn’t really confident, he nods, making Sunoo beam.

“Next time, you’ll do it, though,” he warns.

“Of course.”

After the food is ordered and they eat, Sunoo proposes watching a movie on the big TV in front of the bed, since they never lie down together to watch something because the dorm only has one TV of considerable size. And it’s in the living room. 

“Okay, but if it’s boring, I’ll never let you choose a movie again,” Sunghoon advises and lies by Sunoo’s side, their sides melting together, fully taking advantage of their time alone.

“And if it’s good?” Sunoo asks teasingly.

“You’ll get a reward.”

Accepting the challenge, Sunoo searches through the movie catalog and picks what appears to be a thriller.

“You like these kinds of movies?” Stretching, Sunghoon curiously asks.

“I just want your reward,” then Sunoo admits, staring at him. “I’m trying to impress you. Is it working?”

“We can try,” he smiles and scoots closer to Sunoo, leaning back against the headboard.

In response, Sunoo snuggles up to him, the heat of his body warming up Sunghoon like a thick and heavy blanket. The movie starts playing and, even if it’s in English with subtitles in German, they both pay attention to it, or at least try. Sunghoon’s hand finds its way to Sunoo’s head, stroking his hair gently, caressing softly as he watches Sunoo’s eyelids fluttering. It’s a comfortable, almost domestic position, and Sunghoon can’t help but let a smile tug at his lips. He feels content.

Eventually, Sunoo fully closes his eyes, and hums faintly. Sunghoon simply stares at him, his perfectly crafted face and pouty lips, his moles and long eyelashes, every detail makes him fall deeper, and he fears once again how erratically his heart beats.

He stops patting Sunoo’s head for a moment and he hears a soft grumble.

“Don’t stop,” eyes still closed, Sunoo complains, and Sunghoon immediately goes back to brushing his hair with his fingers.

“Your hair is soft,” Sunghoon comments. There are many things he wants to say, but settles for a small compliment.

Sunoo doesn’t reply, breathes rhythmically, gravitating closer to Sunghoon and sinking deeper into their embrace. Of course, Sunghoon continues running his fingers through Sunoo’s strands, admiring how easy it is for him to drift off.

“I forgot to do my skincare,” sleepily, Sunoo says. He doesn’t move, just utters his thoughts.

“You’re beautiful, skipping your skincare for one night won’t hurt,” Sunghoon tells him.

When Sunghoon slows down, Sunoo places a hand on his chest and hugs him. “Keep going, hyung.”

Drowsiness takes over Sunghoon after a while, watching Sunoo fall asleep profoundly on his chest, and he doesn’t shift or take his hand off from Sunoo’s hair. Merely remains in the same position and closes his eyes, allowing sleep into his body.

It’s not the first time they fall asleep together, yet this one feels different.

Perhaps because they wake up together, and Sunoo doesn’t leave, and when the first ray of sunlight enters through the curtains and shines on Sunoo’s smooth skin, Sunghoon is able to picture a future in partnership. A routine, familiarity.

As long as Sunoo stays.

-

The concert is a complete success.

Definitely an achievement for them, the crowd was extremely cheerful and they were renewed with energy from the number of people encouraging them. Loud clapping and praises were still being heard as they waved goodbye and headed backstage.

Their broad grins say more than any kind of speech, but even being a bit teary-eyed, Jungwon manages to make them more emotional.

“We made it,” he says. “And I’m so proud.”

Ecstatic, they head back to the hotel and eat together to celebrate their first overseas show of such magnitude. Sunghoon can’t stop smiling, still reeling from the show. Of course, Jay brings out a bottle of wine, and they all drink a bit, although Jay downs it by himself.

Once back in each of their rooms, Sunghoon takes a shower first, scrubbing and washing away all the sweat. The excitement doesn’t go away, however. He exits the bathroom still giddy, from the performance, from the cheers, from Sunoo.

Switching from euphoria to lust happens rather quickly, once Sunghoon sees Sunoo eyeing him up and down, eating him alive. He only has a towel around his waist, so perhaps that’s the reason. And Sunghoon didn’t even do it purposefully.

“I’ll go shower, now,” Sunoo tells him, avoiding his gaze, and rapidly locks himself in the bathroom.

They haven’t kissed yet. Sunghoon’s mind gets clouded with a variation of scenarios while Sunoo takes his time showering. And his stomach begins hurting, picturing Sunoo naked, under him, on top, anywhere. Maybe it’s the thrill of the day, or just desire. Sunghoon needs him.

Sunoo comes out of the bathroom already in his pajamas. Hair wet, nearly dripping. His bare face is divine, and Sunghoon can’t avoid staring.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He questions Sunghoon, already approaching him.

“You’re pretty,” Sunghoon replies honestly.

“Am I?” His tone changes.

Obviously, Sunghoon plays along, looks him up and down. “Very pretty.”

The bed is big, though Sunghoon sits on the edge, and Sunoo stands in between his legs. It’s inevitable, Sunghoon looks down at Sunoo’s rosy and plump lips, mouth watering. He places his hands on Sunoo’s waist and looks up, eyes twinkling, wanting and begging without words.

But Sunoo is a tease, has always been. And he’s well aware that Sunghoon desires him more than anything, so he takes his time, fingers dancing on Sunghoon’s neck up to his chin, holding it in place as he leans down. Inches away from each other, sharing breaths, Sunoo smirks and pecks his cheek.

“Sunoo…” Sunghoon mutters, warningly.

“What?”

“Kiss me,” he requests firmly. Then melts as Sunoo tilts his head to the side, “please.”

It seems as if Sunoo couldn’t hold it in anymore, as their lips meet and he grips Sunghoon’s jaw, kissing him deeply and passionately. The kiss grows desperate, given that they haven’t kissed in days, and both of them needed it. Once the angle becomes uncomfortable, Sunghoon grabs his hips and guides him with his back on the mattress, climbing on top of him. Like that, Sunghoon is able to push his tongue into Sunoo’s mouth and swallow the noise that escapes him. Messily, their mouths fit like pieces of a puzzle, hungry for each other. Sunghoon has been craving the contact for so long, that having Sunoo’s lips against him feel like a reward.

Sunghoon pulls back and breathes, admiring the work of art under him, Sunoo’s mouth glistening with spit and red as a cherry. He dives right back in, lowering his body on Sunoo, a hand holding his face and the other tentatively exploring the expanse of Sunoo’s skin under his shirt. He’s hot, in every sense of the word, and it drives Sunghoon insane.

“It’s not fair,” Sunoo then says, tugging at the hem of Sunghoon’s shirt, “take this off.”

Shirtless and exposed, Sunghoon trembles as Sunoo stares at him, a thirsty look in his eyes. His hands begin tracing every line from Sunghoon’s abdomen, until he reaches his pants and seeks approval from him, his fingers testing and pulling at the waistband.

Eagerly and impatiently, he nods. Sunghoon’s hard and he can tell that Sunoo is, too. So once he’s left in his underwear only, Sunghoon immediately removes Sunoo’s shirt, kissing his neck and collarbones, marveling at his sheer beauty. Sunoo pulls Sunghoon back to his mouth, almost devouring him, and their hips meet in the middle, prompting a moan from both as their crotches brush.

Then Sunoo’s pajama pants are gone, and it gets real.

They’re being driven by pure desire, and there’s no time for overthinking. Sunoo gropes Sunghoon’s member and carefully asks if he’s allowed to touch him. And when Sunghoon gives him the green light and Sunoo’s hand wraps around him, feeling his soft grip for the first time, it all fuels the fire inside him. Spreading, burning, taking over.

Foreheads pressed together, breathing into each other’s mouths, Sunoo strokes him for a few minutes, then stops abruptly and looks directly into Sunghoon’s eyes.

“Would you fuck me, hyung?”

It’s unbelievable, the way Sunghoon’s mind goes blank, and the earth stops spinning, it all happens in slow motion.

“Fuck,” Sunghoon curses, “of course. I really, uh, well—I didn’t bring… stuff.”

“Don’t worry,” Sunoo says and gets up from the bed, finding his bag and reaching into it, pulling a small bottle and a condom pack. Sunghoon can feel his own face falling.

“How did you—”

“When I went out with Jungwonie this morning, he forced me to get some lube and condoms, don’t freak out…” Getting into bed again, Sunoo explains, and hands Sunghoon one condom and the bottle of lube.

“Oh,” Sunghoon utters. “Okay.”

“Do your thing, hyung,” the way Sunoo smirks sends electricity all through his body. And Sunghoon sort of loses himself, control, restrictions.

Without inhibitions yet afraid of hurting him, Sunghoon fingers Sunoo very slowly, taking his time to work him open. He’s meticulous and tries his best, which appears to work because Sunoo’s whining and arching his back with every thrust of his fingers. Nothing compares to real life, because no matter how many times Sunghoon pictured this in his head, he never expected to feel such a rush just watching Sunoo fall apart.

“Is this okay?” He still asks, unsure if he’s doing it correctly.

“God, yes,” Sunoo groans, “please put your dick inside me.”

Steadily entering Sunoo, Sunghoon lets out a long moan, the tightness around him being overwhelming. He moves slowly, doesn’t rush, tries to keep the thrusts short and simple, yet Sunoo is ardently pushing back on Sunghoon’s member, and it feels incredibly good. A pace is set, and Sunghoon cages Sunoo with his arms as he penetrates him, gazes meeting fiercely. Sunoo’s eyes are dark, deep, infinite. He moans and throws his head back with every movement of Sunghoon’s hips, now hanging onto his back, nails digging into the skin there.

It’s difficult to hold back as Sunghoon feels his orgasm approaching, but even if his movements stutter, he doesn’t relent. Sunoo’s chest is red and his bottom lip is swollen because of how hard he’s been biting it. The sight is breathtaking.

“Sunoo,” he breathes out, “I’m about to come.”

“It’s fine—fuck, hyung,” Sunoo’s eyes roll back in pleasure. Sunghoon wants to take a picture and treasure it forever.

Live in this moment, always. No overanalyzing, just pure joy and gratification.

Sunghoon touches Sunoo’s cock, stimulating him to send him over the edge. It works, and Sunoo comes inside Sunghoon’s hand, shaking and thrashing on the bed. Clearly, Sunghoon follows him, releasing inside the condom, pulling out, all sensitive.

Relaxing against the headboard, Sunoo exhales. Sunghoon discards the condom and then cleans his hands with a towel, wasting no time to crawl back in bed with Sunoo.

“Wow,” Sunoo says.

“Yeah.”

After a minute, something in Sunoo switches. He’s staring into the distance, gaze lost, and when Sunghoon cuddles his side, he doesn’t hug him back. It’s strange, so Sunghoon raises an eyebrow at him and sits up to face him.

“Do you—”

“I’ll head out,” Sunoo announces.

For a moment, Sunghoon thinks it’s a joke, but then Sunoo gets up and grabs his shirt from the floor. It’s not a feeling of déjà vu, it’s actually happening again. And it’s so infuriating, so frustrating, so upsetting. Sunghoon lets the anger control him, then.

“Are you leaving?” He asks, aware of the answer.

“I just need some air—”

“Even when we’re rooming together, you still find a way to leave, isn’t that funny?” Sunghoon spits out, making Sunoo frown at the sudden resentment.

“What?”

“It’s so easy for you to just leave. Do you do that to every guy you hook up with?” Insisting, Sunghoon’s voice is loud and clear.

“What are you even talking about?” Sunoo snaps.

“You know what I mean, you just have fun and then forget. This is how you always behave, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.”

“Are you implying I hook up with different people regularly?” Putting on his shirt, Sunoo asks.

“Well, yes,” Sunghoon nods, “but you don’t care at all. About anyone, about my feelings or others. You just care about yourself.”

He scoffs and shakes his head. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Am I?”

“You’re a dick, what do you want?” Sunoo belittles him. “Do you want a love confession from me or something? To hold power over me, is that it?”

“You have no idea…”

“Well, sorry I prioritize your wellbeing and—”

“And I’m sorry I’m in love with you,” Sunghoon laments, “I’m really sorry.”

Freezing in place, Sunoo’s expression shifts, panic overtaking.

“What?”

“Just leave, if you’re gonna leave, then do it,” he tells Sunoo, turning around.

Sunghoon doesn’t watch Sunoo leave. Simply hears the door opening and closing, the room becoming a void. He gets dressed and covers his entire body with the blanket, hiding, masking every single thought racing through his head. The emptiness that Sunoo left inside him makes it hard to breathe, and the tears that threaten to fall eventually roll down his cheek once Sunghoon turns off the lights.

He’s so used to it by now that he’s become numb to the pain. Except that he confessed, and it changes everything. Pretending to be unaffected won’t work anymore. Now, Sunoo knows.

This might just be the end.

-

A beeping sound awakens Sunghoon from his slumber.

He couldn’t fall deeply asleep, so the noise instantly alarms him. Millions of potential scenarios appear, yet what Sunghoon least expects, doesn’t even cross his mind, is to see Sunoo walking into the room.

Sitting up, Sunghoon stares at him, wide-eyed.

Sunoo appears defeated. His eyes are red, irritated, as well as his nose and cheeks. Sunghoon wonders if he was crying, if he was affected by it all, and now looks for redemption. And it doesn’t matter how badly hurt Sunghoon was, not only now but ever since they started, he’d still forgive Sunoo. Just to see him smile, to be close and at least be part of his life.

“Are you…” Sunghoon tries, to come up with words, to come across as tough and unaffected.

But Sunoo approaches him, tentatively, and up close, Sunghoon sees the tears. He doesn’t say anything, just watches as Sunoo sits on the edge of the bed and gulps.

“I’m so sorry,” finally, Sunoo says. “I shouldn’t have left, we should’ve talked and, God… I should’ve told you.”

“Tell me what?” Sunghoon asks him, eager to know.

“That I love you,” letting out a long sigh, Sunoo breaks down. He shrinks, crouching as if something heavy presses on his shoulders. Sunghoon hears the stifled sobs and his heart plainly stops beating.

Surely, it must be a mistake. Some sort of misinterpretation.

“Sunoo… You mean—”

“I’m in love with you too,” it’s said as a whimper, raising his head only to look into Sunghoon’s eyes, making sure he conveys exactly what he’s feeling.

Sunghoon’s body goes taut. He doesn’t react, because this was never a possibility. In his mind, Sunoo would never look at him as a romantic companion, would never experience love as Sunghoon does, he was convinced. Now, Sunoo cries by his side, and he remains still while his chest fills with raw emotions.

“Can you hold me?” Sunoo requests, after a period of sobbing and shaking.

It’s immediate, the way Sunghoon hugs Sunoo and guides his head to his chest, so he can listen to his heartbeat coming back and becoming louder than ever. They stay in place for a few minutes, just breathing and calming down, relaxing and merging into each other. There’s no need to speak, because words are overrated at this point, and as long as Sunoo feels at ease, Sunghoon won’t push. Somehow, it’s enough.

Pulling Sunoo closer to him as he lies back on the bed, Sunghoon closes his eyes, reveling in the warmth that Sunoo’s body radiates and the softness of his hair when his hands run through it.

Falling asleep comes easily to them, as they wind down and relax further, deeply. Sunghoon can’t recall sleeping with such effortlessness before, soundly. And not waking up first is new to him, to have Sunoo tugging his arm to get him out of the bed, because the hotel’s breakfast service closes in half an hour.

They obviously don’t make it. Jungwon calls Sunoo, concerned about their whereabouts, but Sunoo brushes him off and goes back to kissing Sunghoon. Unhurried, leisurely. Still in bed and wearing pajamas, they enjoy the present moment.

Sunoo’s words echo around Sunghoon’s head. And it seems to happen to Sunoo, too, as he speaks after a prolonged silence.

“Do you really believe I hook up with other people?” It’s a complex question, because Sunghoon has always been sure of it. It was always a fact.

“Well, I just guessed you did…” He replies, carefully.

“I never did,” Sunoo states, “after our first kiss, I just knew I couldn’t look at anyone else like that.”

Sunghoon breathes. It’s too good, too dreamy to be real. So Sunghoon doesn’t question it, doesn’t ask. He doesn’t want to ruin it or make Sunoo regret that revelation. Even if he wants to know how, when, why. 

For now, Sunoo stays. And that’s the only thing that matters.

-

Back in Korea, they barely get any alone time.

Sunghoon counts the days to finally be with Sunoo privately in his room. Since the group is preparing for a comeback in less than a month, they’ve been busy recording and practicing, and although they interact in front of the others freely, there are some restrictions.

One of those nights, after a schedule, Sunghoon comes out of the shower and heads to his room, ready to get into bed and reset.

Sunoo stands in the middle of the room, arms by his side, frozen. A small smile tugs at Sunghoon’s lips, and he approaches him with enthusiasm, happy to see him without the rest analyzing their every move. He pecks his lips, and basks in the perfume Sunoo’s wearing, as strong as ever.

“I know you’re tired—”

“You know I’m never tired if it’s for you,” Sunghoon interrupts him. Sunoo beams.

“I just… Miss you,” his cheeks are a rosy color, and Sunghoon feels his insides churning. “Also, I don’t want to sleep alone.”

“You’re so cute,” Sunghoon says and walks towards his bed, lying down while leaving space for Sunoo.

As Sunoo follows him and climbs into bed with him, he nestles in Sunghoon’s arms comfortably. For a few minutes, they just relax in silence, and Sunghoon relishes it. Yet there are thoughts, ideas, doubts, all itching in the back of his head. A reminder of what they were and currently are.

“Why did you always leave?” He ends up asking, the question lingering.

“I thought you’d freak out,” Sunoo explains, “I really thought we were just supposed to be something casual. No strings attached and all that stuff, and I found myself wanting more, so I’d panic and leave.”

“Are you for real?” Sunghoon is taken aback, and he looks down at Sunoo, who wears a serious expression.

“Yeah, I thought you were straight, hyung,” he giggles.

“A straight guy who grabs your ass and humps you?”

He punches his arm and shakes his head. “Shut up, that was… Wow.”

“I’ve liked you for so long, Sunoo, you really have no idea,” Sunghoon admits, caressing Sunoo’s side. It feels good, to let it out.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner,” his soft voice wraps around Sunghoon’s heart and heals every tear. “I know I can be an asshole, but none of it was intentional, I swear.”

“I know,” Sunghoon reassures him, “I have you now, and that’s enough.”

“I’m not leaving again,” Sunoo affirms, “not now. Or ever.”

Simply smiling, Sunghoon holds him closer and tighter. For once, he doesn’t think about the repercussions, the outcomes, the results—the future is uncertain and they have a long way ahead of them. But Sunghoon is satisfied, with Sunoo in his arms, heart whole and heavy.

Love can be a very defining word. A limiting belief. Sunghoon knows, still, that he loves Sunoo. Because in every situation, through every hardship, he’d still choose him. In every version of reality, in any universe, in a hundred different lifetimes, Sunghoon would find Sunoo and choose him.

Even if they’re not destined or fated to be together, Sunghoon would fight anyone to have Sunoo.

-

Now it’s time for Sunghoon to talk to Jungwon.

He’s aware Sunoo already spoke to him, several times. And even if Sunghoon wants to know exactly what they discussed, it’s part of their friendship, so he respects it and waits, making up his mind on what he’s going to say in the meantime.

Obviously, Jungwon’s very acquainted with their relationship. He’s familiar with their dynamic, old and new. But, as he’s the leader, Sunghoon feels the need to have a chat with him.

“So,” Jungwon spins in his chair, “what’s it about?”

“Well, you already know… About Sunoo and me,” he starts, not exactly knowing how to approach the conversation.

“Of course, I walked in you two making out—”

“That’s not the point—”

“But I knew before that.”

Sunghoon frowns. “What?”

“I don’t know if you remember… That one night I visited your room to talk about Sunoo-hyung because I really thought you two had fought,” as Jungwon explains, Sunghoon gradually spaces out, thinking back on that day. “Well, there was a shirt on the floor, which wouldn’t have surprised me if it wasn’t because it was Sunoo-hyung’s favorite one.”

“Really? I didn’t even notice,” he says.

Jungwon nods and Sunghoon stares at his hands on his lap.

“Then, did something else happen?”

He gulps and gathers strength. Sunoo by his side would be ideal.

“We want to tell the others,” Sunghoon tells him.

When Jungwon bursts out laughing, Sunghoon glares at him. He doesn’t understand exactly what’s amusing about it, given that it’s a difficult position and it took courage for them to decide to be open about it.

“Sorry,” still chuckling, Jungwon apologizes, “you can definitely tell them.”

“But why is it funny?” He questions.

“Just because.”

Sunghoon doesn’t overthink it. He thanks Jungwon and heads back to his room, where Sunoo is waiting for him. Once he sees him in bed, using his phone carefreely, hugging Sunghoon’s pillow, any kind of uneasiness vanishes. It’s incredible but not unexpected that whenever their eyes meet, Sunghoon is filled entirely with butterflies, electricity running through his veins as if the first time they make eye contact. Time passes and the feelings remain, expectedly.

“How did it go?” Sunoo looks up and asks, intrigued.

“Uhm, good, I guess…” He sits down beside Sunoo on his bed and leans back against Sunoo’s thighs.

“What happened?”

“He told me he knew even before walking in on us, because he saw some of your clothes here… And well, he laughed when I asked if we could tell the others,” as Sunoo runs a hand through Sunghoon’s hair, he relaxes, breathing out the anxiety.

“Do you know why he laughed?” Then Sunoo asks, chuckling. Sunghoon feels like he’s missing something.

“Why?”

“Because they all probably already know,” he reasons.

It makes sense. Sunghoon then allows himself to laugh, too. “I’m dumb.”

“You’re not,” Sunoo soothes his mind, still stroking his head, and focuses back on his phone.

A comfortable silence blankets them, as Sunoo continues scrolling, and Sunghoon closes his eyes for a few seconds. He’s content, serene. And Sunoo’s thighs are great pillows, actually. When he hears a giggle, though, his eyes snap open, piercing through Sunoo’s phone, attempting to see what he’s smiling at.

Sunghoon doesn’t hide it, and Sunoo notices.

“What’s wrong?” He inquires, looking at Sunghoon’s curious expression.

“What are you doing?” Sunghoon counters with another question. His tone is serious.

Instead of replying accordingly, Sunoo smirks. “Why do you wanna know?”

“You tell me…” He’s not playing around, but doesn’t dare to confront Sunoo properly, face what it truly is, jealousy. Sunghoon remembers very clearly each person Sunoo has ever posted, talked to, or gone out with.

“Are you… Maybe jealous?”

Sunghoon shrugs. “Maybe. Should I?”

“You tell me…” He uses Sunghoon’s words against him, a bit more playfully. The thing is, Sunghoon takes it seriously, and at this point, it’s a need for him to know what Sunoo is doing, giggling at his phone.

“Is he handsome?”

Sunoo’s eyebrows furrow. “Wait. Do you really think I’m talking to someone right now?”

“Well, not right now… But maybe—”

“Hyung, it’s only you,” he sits up, so Sunghoon is lying on his legs and Sunoo stares down at him, “for real. It was always you.”

Giddiness takes over, and Sunghoon smiles as he pecks Sunoo’s lips, repeatedly, until his neck hurts.

“Good, because you’re mine.”

“Am I?” Sunoo teases, grinning.

“Yes, mine, only mine,” he confirms and stares into Sunoo’s glimmering eyes. “Do you want to be mine?”

“Of course,” another kiss, “I’m yours.”

“Good.”

Pure and sincere love, it is. Running through Sunghoon’s veins, pumping his heart, it keeps him alive.

-

The seven of them are gathered in the living room, surprisingly without their manager.

Sunoo eats ramyeon delicately by his side, one of his hands on Sunghoon’s leg for support, while Jay is sitting in front of them, covering the view from the rest. He doesn’t comprehend why his stomach churns as he thinks about telling them. The nervousness has no grounds, Sunghoon is aware, because Jungwon and Jay both know about it all, Riki has already assumed it, and of course, Heeseung and Jake suspect it.

And they won’t judge, they won’t comment on it with bad intentions. Yet Sunghoon fears their reaction. When Sunghoon looks at Sunoo, their eyes meeting, he finds the strength.

“Guys,” Sunghoon calls out, catching their attention, “I have something to tell you.”

Jake pauses the game he’s playing with Heeseung and focuses on him, as well as Jay, who looks up from his food, and Jungwon, who turns his back to the rice cooker. Riki swallows and speaks up first.

“Yes, hyung?”

“Sunoo and I are dating,” Sunghoon utters, once and for all.

A momentary silence makes Sunghoon panic and want to clarify, summarizing their entire history in a few words so the rest can understand, but Sunoo is quick to squeeze his knee.

“No way,” Jake says, then. Sunghoon frowns because, even if he had no expectations, in the back of his mind, they all knew.

Heeseung shakes his head and sighs. “I swear…”

“Riki and I won,” with a proud and broad smile, Jake announces, “y’all are losers.”

“What?” Sunoo looks around in disbelief.

“Well, we really trusted Sunoo. What can I say? I didn’t expect Sunghoon to be the one to say it,” Heeseung says as Jake laughs, high-fiving Riki.

“Did you—”

“Yes, Hoon, we made a bet on which one of you would announce it first,” Jay tells Sunghoon, “and I lost. I really thought it’d be Sunoo saying it.”

He smiles. Sunghoon doesn’t mind that they speculated about the announcement, in fact, the reaction takes the weight off his shoulders instantly. And, in retrospect, Sunghoon should’ve seen it coming, given that bets are their go-to.

“I can’t believe this,” Sunghoon breathes out, “I hate all of you.”

Sunoo beams and caresses his thigh, lovingly. Sunghoon feels whole, complete. They each go back to what they were doing, and every single worry fades into the background, because this, the present moment, is enough.

As Jay once told him, it was worth the risk.

-

The public may never know, but Sunghoon makes sure to drop hints and include Sunoo as much as possible.

Whenever they go out together and get seen, he wishes he could hold Sunoo’s hand for the fans to dissect and theorize. It’s not bothersome, though. Sunghoon doesn’t suffer from it, because in the privacy of their dorm, he’s all over Sunoo, no hiding or lying.

Still, Sunghoon likes to show Sunoo off.

During one of the music show stages for their comeback, after their win, Sunghoon gets handed a flower bouquet as the confetti falls all around them. He looks at it and immediately thinks of Sunoo, the pretty and dainty flowers perfect for him. The cameras are all focusing on the group, yet that doesn’t stop Sunghoon from giving Sunoo the bouquet, who receives it with a confused smile.

Jake and Jungwon both look at it as Sunghoon’s arm extends in front of them, and they hold back their laughter, watching Sunoo grab the flowers and keep them.

Even during the encore, Sunoo still holds onto the bouquet. Sunghoon is more than satisfied.

“You’re crazy,” Sunoo tells him as they go back to the dressing rooms.

“You don’t like them?” He teases, pointing at the flowers. “They’re pretty like you.”

“Oh, God, you two,” Jay shakes his head.

“I love them, hyung,” placing them on his chest, Sunoo affirms, “but you’ll need to buy more because these are not gonna resist.”

“Don’t worry,” Sunghoon says, “I’ll make sure you never run out of flowers.”

Back at their dorm, Sunoo puts them inside a vase with water so they don’t wither and places it on the counter. As a reminder, a fond memory. And perhaps they won’t last long, drying up after a day or two, but Sunoo treasures it, and Sunghoon loves the implications of it all.

He fell, hard and deep, jumping off an airplane blindly. And Sunghoon doesn’t land, no, not yet. Because being with Sunoo is a constant, a routine experience that surprises him every single day.

Whether it rains or the scorching summer sun blinds them, through every season, Sunoo stays.