Chapter Text
Changkyun really was heartbroken by the time he joined No Mercy. The bullying from the other trainees did not help the situation.
They failed to realize that he had been through his fair share of hardships, too. They could only focus on the fact that Changkyun had entered Starship Entertainment, joined their brutal survival show, and stolen the place of Gunhee and Seokwon. Changkyun knew they had the right to be mad, but he just wished that they could learn to accept him, or at least not torment him while in the dorm.
"Hey, Changkyun! Would you stop rapping? You sound like shit." Even through the closed door, Changkyun could still hear the low voice say, "Gunhee so would have been better."
Comments like that made Changkyun feel guilty. He wished that he had never joined Starship Entertainment. He wished that Nu'bility had just debuted and that he didn't have to know these boys. He wished that he had never followed his dreams, or destroyed another's dreams in the pursuit of his own.
He wished that he had never been born on some days.
"I'm sorry," he called out, turning off his phone. Immediately after, the screen lit up with a message. His mother. Changkyunnie, you haven't called us all month. Congrats on winning No Mercy! Maybe you could call us.
He answered quickly that they were busy, and that he would call when they weren't so preoccupied. It was a lie, in some ways. They were busy, true, but the work would only get harder as the time went on.
Changkyun was startled when the door opened abruptly, and he sat up so as to not seem rude.
"Kid, get out. I want to change," scowled Minhyuk.
"Yes," he answered meekly before leaving the room. The sound of his socks on the hardwood flood was enough to make the boys turn away from the TV and towards the intruder.
"Really, Changkyun," Wonho scolded, "you should be quieter when practicing. Or were you trying to make it sound worse?"
The youngest lowered his head in apology.
However, Wonho was very keen on making Changkyun feel embarrassed. "Answer me."
"I-I don't know what you mean. I was practicing my rap."
"Jeez, this kid's deaf as hell." The others chuckled at Wonho's words. "Whatever. I won't ask again. Just remember that you're on my bad side next time you try to sass me."
Changkyun nodded, although his insides were fuming. He was sure his face was red, since Hyungwon said, "He looks like he learned a lesson," as he was leaving to sit in the kitchen.
Yeah, that you guys are a bunch of dimwits.
He wanted to leave. He wanted to terminate the contract with Starship and just go back home. Go to college. Work in a sweatshop. Anything seemed better than what he was going through with the trainees.
After a few minutes of peering through the corner of his eyes, he saw Minhyuk leave the bedroom; he quietly made a run for it. To his relief, no one stopped him on the way there.
Hours passed. He was all alone while everyone else sat in the living room, laughing and watching TV. Truly, he didn't mind being alone, considering the people he had to be around.
The sound of the door could be heard, and a chorus of, "Thank you, manager!" Changkyun cautiously stepped into the hallway to see what had caused the commotion. Takeout. Lots of it. Noodles and chicken and pizza.
"The kid may be deaf, but he's sure got a sense of smell," Wonho scoffed.
"Yeah. He always seems to want something."
Changkyun was about to retreat into his room when Kihyun spoke up.
"Come and get a piece of pizza, then leave. You can't eat more because your acne is starting to flare up. I think it's all those snacks you're having."
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "Thank you, though." He shuffled over to get a slice of pizza.
Once again, he was alone.
The loneliness only lasted so long, though, as night came and the boys started going to bed. He lay as still as he could when Minhyuk and Jooheon stumbled in. The bunk under him shakes as his oldest roommate throws himself onto it. After that, there is silence once again.
The next morning, Changkyun wakes up to find the room empty. Kihyun must have come through already, he thought. He was about to climb down from his bunk when the faithful alarm clock came in. "I'm guessing you're going to get dressed?"
He nodded.
"Good. We need to leave in ten minutes flat, so be quick about it." The older boy left the room after giving his orders.
There was no time for breakfast, as usual. For Changkyun, at least. The others had already enjoyed their meal, since Kihyun had told them to wake up. No one told Changkyun.
In the van, he squeezed himself as close to the window as he could. Hyungwon, who was sitting near him, squinted at his face.
"Shit, Kihyun is right. Your acne is getting disgusting. Don't you wash your face?"
"Yes. I'm trying make it go away."
"Try harder. You already—how do I put this—lack visuals. The zits are making your face even more repulsive." The model boy turned the other way.
"Hyungwon, you couldn't have said that a bit nicer?" Jooheon called from the passenger seat.
"Not really. It's the truth."
"Yes, but some things shouldn't be said, even if they're true."
The two bickered back and forth as if Changkyun was not there. The youngest hid his cheek with his shoulder and pushed his bangs down. They didn't realize that he was uncomfortable. They didn't realize that things bothered him, too.
Practice went as usual. They danced for hours. Changkyun was specifically called out when he missed a move or was a second behind the group. He apologized, of course, even though Kihyun and Minhyuk were messing up more than he. Lunch came, and he was only allowed to have a little bit of the greasy food, because of his acne. Manager never brought healthy foods, so Changkyun was running on a slice of pizza from the night before, plus two chicken wings. It was not a surprise when he fell to his knees during their nth rehearsal of their debut song.
"Get up!" shouted Wonho, still dancing.
His legs shook. Instead of letting him stand, his knees gave out and he fell on his backside. Embarrassing.
"What are you doing?" grumbled Shownu. Slowly, everyone stopped dancing, but not because they were concerned.
The look on their face was annoyance.
"I–I'm sorry," Changkyun stuttered. He brought a hand to his pounding head and attempted to stand again.
Jooheon walked towards the boy on the floor. "Uh, guys, I think he's done for today. Like, seriously."
Wonho turned off the music angrily. "What do you mean, he's done for today? It's only 1 in the afternoon, for God's sake!"
"Yeah. He should get up! We always get up when we're tired; he can, too."
Jooheon stood beside Changkyun, who was hunched over the floor. "Can you get up?"
"I'm sorry—" he started.
"Can you get up? Answer me."
He pushed himself up from the floor. "Y–yes." He managed to take a wobbly step foreword. "I'm sorry."
Jooheon grabbed Changkyun by the arm, causing the latter to flinch. "He can't dance like this. We're going to kill him before debut."
"If he can't handle this, do you think he can handle debut?" Minhyuk all but yelled. "If the kid isn't tough enough to handle a 6 hour practice, God help him when we're practicing from dawn until the middle of the night!"
Wonho stepped forward. "I agree with Minhyuk. What the hell were they thinking when they put him in the group? He doesn't know what we went through that whole time he wasn't in No Mercy. He's not as serious as we are."
"Stop it!" Jooheon yelled. "He's probable out of fuel since we didn't let him eat much. Think of how much food we had, and we are still tired. What about him?" When no one answered, Jooheon nodded. "That's what I thought. If you guys want to keep practicing, go ahead. I'm bringing Changkyun to go get food."
"Jooheon, you need to practice," Shownu ordered. "Manager is going to be pissed at us."
"Let him be mad! Changkyun can barely stand."
Changkyun began to step away. "Jooheon—"
The boy dragged Changkyun towards the door. "Don't argue with me!" The younger allowed himself to be pulled out of the practice room.
The two walked in silence, aside from the soft squeaking of their sneakers. Finally, as they were entering the elevator, Jooheon spoke up. "You need to take care of yourself. Even if the others say that eating will be bad for your acne, you need to eat."
"I'm sorry."
Jooheon rolled his eyes. "Stop saying that. I'm tired of it."
I'm sorry, he thought.
They shield exited the elevator, although it was still difficult for Changkyun. Jooheon wrapped one of the younger's arms around his own shoulder to help him. "I don't want you to get the wrong idea," he mumbled. "I won't forgive you, ever, for taking Gunhee's spot, but I've decided that I need to look beyond that. You're a person like the rest of us, and you deserve to be treated like one."
Changkyun was shocked. He had never thought that Jooheon would say that he was willing to look beyond Changkyun's inconvenient timing. He was willing to be nice to him. Maybe he would have a friend.
"Thank you, Jooheon," he answered quietly. "Really, I'm so thankful—" his voice broke, and he decided to end his sentence there.
"No problem. I–I hope you can forgive me for being such an asshole for all that time. And, maybe, we can forget all that stuff about each other and try to be friends." He was met with silence. "I don't expect you to be very comfortable with me, since I wasn't very comfortable with you at first, but—Are you crying?"
Changkyun turned his head away. "Can we really be...friends?"
"Yes. Now, why are you crying?" His voice squeaked with concern, and he ushered Changkyun to a cafeteria table. Food could wait a few minutes.
The youngest shook his head. "I haven't had a real friend in such a long time. Really, Nu'bility was my first friend since I was in elementary school, and since then..." He wiped at his eyes.
"Nu-what?"
Changkyun stared at his new friend in shock. "Do you guys not know about Nu'bility? Didn't anyone tell you?"
Jooheon stopped and looked Changkyun in the eye. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Suddenly, Changkyun did not feel like explaining. He wished Nu'bility had debuted, and that he didn't need to meet anyone in Starship (despite the fact that Jooheon was respecting him and trying to be friendly). However, he needed to tell the boy. "I almost debuted," he mumbled. "Two years ago... It was me and some other guys in a group called Nu'bility. The company didn't have enough money to debut us, so we had to disband."
Jooheon's eyes widened. "Wow... I don't think anyone knew that, honestly. We just thought that you kinda came in with some training but...that's a lot." He leaned forward in his chair. "That must suck."
Changkyun nodded. "I wish—fuck it."
"You wish you had debuted with them?" Jooheon guessed.
"Y–yeah. Sorry."
"I don't blame you. It's gonna get better though. I'll make sure. Someone just needed to be the mature one and accept you. Never thought I'd end up being the nature one in the group. The others will catch on." There was a second where neither boy said anything. "Ah, I'll get you some food. Any special orders?"
"Um, something that's not greasy. I don't want my skin to get worse. And just a water, please."
"Ok. It's on me. Think of it as an apology."
A few minutes passed and Jooheon came back with a soup, some chicken, and a bottle of water. "Dig in. The chicken's not gonna be too bad for your skin 'cause it's not greasy. It won't destroy your face."
Changkyun nodded and began eating.
"You know," Jooheon began. He could never seem to keep quiet, and Changkyun was honestly okay with that. "Hyungwon was wrong. You're not ugly."
Changkyun almost spit out his soup.
"I mean, you've got acne, that's for sure...and it's pretty bad looking. And your eyes always look a little hollowed out and tired. But that's just temporary. You look pretty good."
"Thank y–you," he stuttered. Despite the complement, he hunched his shoulders and pulled up his hoodie. Any mention of his acne reminded him of the torture that was middle school.
"Why do you do that? I said something nice," the other complained.
Changkyun simply shrugged and went back to eating.
"Whatever. I'm going to call the others and tell them that I'm bringing you home."
Changkyun shook his head quickly. "No! They'll be furious."
"You shouldn't work yourself right now. I'm still not sure you're ready to practice."
"Please? I don't want them to get mad at me. I've been gone long enough."
"Fine," Jooheon agreed. "After you eat and drink that water, we'll go back up."
Sure enough, they went back upstairs the moment Changkyun had finished eating. The boys in the practice room were dripping with sweat, and when they noticed the door open, the music was turned off by Wonho. "Wow, he actually came back."
"Too bad he didn't go to the hospital," Minhyuk stated.
Jooheon scowled. "Shut up. He really might have fainted if we made him dance any longer. He could barely walk down the hallway to the cafeteria."
"Weak," mumbled Hyungwon, who promptly turned towards the mirror to fix his clothes.
"I–I'm going to practice now."
"Oh, no! God forbid you practice, or you might feel faint again!" Wonho said sarcastically.
Shownu managed to get everyone to quiet down, saying that they should be glad that they could practice all together (they still gave Changkyun dirty looks when he didn't do the moves exactly). It was just as torturous as before. Changkyun almost came to believe that he had not just made a friend.
Getting back into the van at 6 pm was one of the best things that could have happened. Jooheon sat near him instead of Wonho and he babbled on about various things. The youngest breathed a sigh of relief knowing that he did, in fact, have a friend. The others didn't say anything about it.
At the dorm, everyone took turns in the shower. Changkyun was obviously last. He sat in his room while he waited, but he wasn't alone. Jooheon played games on his phone. Changkyun stared at the ceiling, a hand drawing circles in the air. For once, he felt safe in the dorm.
Jooheon's turn to shower came, and Changkyun was left to that familiar feeling of loneliness and fear. Minhyuk came into the room and looked at Changkyun laying on the bed. "Did you really need to make such a scene? Are you that weak that you needed to make things up?"
"W–what do you mean?" Changkyun asked timidly. "I wasn't acting like I was sick. I would never—"
"Yeah right. Listen, you don't even know what it's like to dance for so long while you're starving. You aren't even skinny enough to be starving! Dancing for hours can only help you, so don't try to get out of it again."
"I'm sorry."
"I know you aren't. I bet you'll do it again." The boy clenched his fist. "I don't even know how you find the will to live, being like you are. You would be better off dead!"
You just needed to say that, didn't you? Changkyun could feel the tears filling his eyes, but he couldn't cry in front of Minhyuk. He wouldn't cry and show that he was weak.
Suddenly, Jooheon came into the room. "Changkyunnie, you can—"
"Why are you being so nice to him?" Minhyuk yelled. "H–he...he—" The oldest stuttered over his next words, which were completely ineligible to his two roommates, and his eyes darted from corner to corner. A hand reached up to rub his eyes and he turned to Changkyun. If the boy looked closely, he could see some sort of regret in Minhyuk's eyes. Nevertheless, if he regretted his words, he didn't show it.
Changkyun was terrified as he climbed down the steps of their bunk bed. Thankfully, nothing happened, and he shuffled to the bathroom.
He pulled off his shirt and looked in the mirror. All of those feelings of self hate began to come back to him. He remembered all of the bullies in school and how they would say things like "You have so many pimples," and, "For the son of a professor, you're really dumb." He remembered all of the times that he wanted to just leave everything behind and die. It was somewhat hard to forget those days (the scars on his hips didn't help) and Minhyuk's words further worsened the problem.
The only people who knew about his insecurities, about his darkest secrets and worst feelings, were his friends from Nu'bility. They worked to break Changkyun's bad habits, and help him love himself. And it had worked for a while. For a long time, he found no reason to hurt himself; he felt okay.
But not anymore. He was breaking and miserable, and Minhyuk's harsh words were enough to push him over the edge.
He did it. He destroyed his new razor to get to the blade. He cut into his skin for the first time in three years.
Changkyun didn't say a word when he left the bathroom. He didn't say a word when Jooheon whispered, "Goodnight, Changkyunnie." He pretended to be asleep.