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It was a late Tuesday night in the arena where there had been a game with the Montreal Metros and Ottawa Centaurs.Shane's team had won Ottawa 2-1.Of course they had,he had been training and commited like always but as he celebrated another win with his teammates and got off the ice to the lockers,the unexpected was about to happen.
Hayden had told everyone he needed to talk with shane a minute alone and the others didn't mind of course too happy from their high to care or ask.
There had been a tragedy just two hours before.That only few people new about Yuna,David,Jackie,the Staff and Hayden.
They had been told beforehand of course they had, they couldn't just tell shane first since they didn't know how'd he react.
Ilya's plane had crashed.
As soon as the news reached Hayden he was floored.His bestfriends boyfriend.And also his friend,was gone.And he had to tell shane.
So when shane looked at him confused and asked why the others didn't come into the lockers he just winced and responded with the gentlest of voices.
"Shane,there's been an accident"
"What? What do you mean there's been an accident?" shane said, now confused.
"Ilya's plane crashed,he's gone shane."
And shanes heart shattered right then and there.
His ilya was gone.Just like that.
His ears started ringing.
"What? No, you must be confused I just spoke to him a few hours ago.What do you mean, Hayden? No- no-".He couldn't believe it, this wasn't possible it couldn't,this wasnt supposed to even be a possibility.
And as if the world saw the hope shane still somehow possesed that it was a lie or mistake. It decided to shatter it completely.
His phone started ringing and as he opened his phone he finally saw the notifications from an hour before.
Svetlana: Im so sorry shane I just got the news.
Rose: Im here if you need anything shane,truly.
He only got to read a few messages quickly before he answered his mom's call and Hayden just stood there ,not knowing what to say or do.Because what were you even supposed to say.
Shane wasn't processing anything.This felt surreal ,surely they would tell him it's a sick joke that everyone was in on right?.Right?.
"Mom?" He said his voice now breaking off
"Mom?,Please-" he didn't know why he was saying please maybe because if he somehow begged this wasn't real ,it would or maybe he felt like a kid again hoping for his mother to fix it all but she couldn't, not this time.He was waiting for her to laugh and tell him it was a joke but she never did.
"I'm so sorry honey,we just got the call an hour ago... it's true,ilya's plane crashed on the way here with his team and...he didn't make it."
No.
He hung up,he couldn't bear listen more even if it was his mom letting him down gently,though it didn't feel like it was.
This couldn't be happening he had just talked to him hours ago about how he was so happy to see him again after all these days and how they were both excited to play hard against eachother like old times again.
The realization hit him hard.This wasn't a prank where ilya would come out and say surprise and kiss him.This was a reality,his reality.
Hayden spoke then, seeing shane starting to get in distress as he slowly digested the words.
"Shane ,please sit down" Hayden told him gently, now worried as he saw shane's breathing quicken and his eyes slowly water.
"No,no this can't be- no what? He was- i just talked to him though, i just- hours ago." He said.
He didn't know what to say or do he just wanted the earth to swallow him whole.This wasn't supposed to be in the cards for them.
Shane felt sick to his stomach then.He began to think about ilya in that plane and how scared and alone and in pain he must've been in,so much pain.
Shane was breaking down now. First it came in a few tears that managed to escape but once they started he couldn't stop them and he didn't want them to stop either. As soon as Hayden saw him break down he approached and hugged him tight and shane hugged him back with the same force,even more ,like he was his only anchor to this unfair world.
---
Shane didn't know how he made it to his house, his and ilya's house. The one they have had countless makeouts and meaningful sex and deep talks,the ones you could only have with someone who truly understood you like they did with eachother.
Hayden had brought him there.
He didn't know what to say or do so he just stayed quietly sat in the kitchen island afterall that was his brother and hell he knew that he wouldn't even know what to do if it was his Jackie.
Shane went into the bathroom and locked the door and he just stared in the mirror.He didn't want to check his phone or turn on the TV because he didnt know what awaited him if he did.
He wasn't crying anymore though not because he was less sad or anything but because he was to exhausted.Now he was just angry.Not at ilya of course, never him.But pure anger at himself because maybe if he had suggested the game cancel for another day for a break or maybe convinced him to play in the metros with him and not stay in Boston.Maybe he wouldn't have crashed and he would still be here.They all would.
Shane let himself fall to the bathroom floor,his back to the tub as he put his hands to his face and sobbed until his eyes burned and head throbbed he was so heartbroken and so fucking angry at the world he needed an outlet,he wasn't an angry man he never had been,but as he kicked the wooden part of the sink repeatedly he let himself be.But then he noticed the pain wasn't enough and he needed to feel something else apart from the searing pain inside him.
Because surely his ilya had gone through more.
So he got up and looked in the mirror for few seconds before throwing a punch and whatched as the glass shattered so easily as it had been waiting for this moment.
Hayden ran into the bathroom then,worried at the shattering sound that came from it,worried for shane.The only reason he hadn't before to respect his best friends privacy as he heard him sob.
But as he finally got to the bathroom and looked at shane and then his bloody knuckles he instantly regretted it.
He didn't care that Hayden was seeing him, nothing mattered anymore anyways.
After a while he finally convinced Hayden to leave.
As he laid in bed in his quiet room he suddenly had a nauseating realization that he hadn't had the courage to acknowledge before.He didn't feel ilya anymore.It sounded stupid,he had merley died hours ago, I mean that's what was confirmed yet at least,no body found yet though.Atleast that was what his mom had told him when he called her again but everyone knew he was long gone.
And so did he,because he didn't feel him anymore. As much as he wanted to.
He just didn't.
---
The next day passed and his mom and dad came over.The second they arrived he opened the door and his mom rushed to hug him "oh honey I'm so sorry" and as shane heard those words he let his gaurd down and break down again for the hundredth time that day "I dont understand how he's gone mom ,he was just here with me but- last night i- I didn't feel him anymore I don't-" his voice broke off and he just hugged his mom tighter like a scared little boy who had a nightmare."He must've been so scared, so scared-" he said now sobbing into the crook of her neck.
When Yuna was able to calm him down a bit and David handed him a glass of water, they finally talked.
"We don't know much yet, they said they would call us when they knew more but we have to wait a bit more she said painfully making it clear that she didn't want to have to say this to her son.They talked for a bit more till shane finally convinced them to go,that he was a bit better.As soon as they left he slipped into bed not caring to eat anything.
---
Three days passed
He finally got the call.
Ilya had been found.he didn't ask ,didn't want to ask his state atleast not right now when he already felt like throwing up some of the food he forced himself to choke down.
He asked when he was able to see him and they said they needed a week atleast to check a few things like causes of death,clean him up and stuff shane didn't know what they meant but just said okay and hung up,because what else could he do?.
As he ended the call his mind raced,how bad had it been they needed a week to make him...presentable,ilya was always presentable.Had he been found... incomplete or something?.He knew a plane crash might have left him with big injuries but he didn't think missing body parts came with that too.Atleast not a possibility for him.
He only ate two boiled eggs that afternoon.
But threw it up anyways later that night.
The next day he only drank a green smoothie he had made himself chug.
---
A week later
The day had come were he would be reunited with ilya,well reunited was to kind of a word.
As he entered the cold room with Yuna grabbing his shoulder and David walking behind them he saw him.
Ilya.
He was laying down on a metal table with a white cloth all the way up to his shoulders.He then noticed his left leg ,starting from his knee and down it was missing...and so was his other arm.
He put his hand to his mouth to restrain a sob.
He sat down with his parents and after a bit he was left alone in there with ilya.
He grabbed his hand, it was cold,really cold.He tried not to mind the little injuries he had sustained on his hands.
"Hey ilya,it's me,shane." He said trying to control the shakines of his voice.
"I still can't believe you're gone.I-i miss you ,I'm sorry I didn't do better.I should have done more for you.The truth is,i dont know how to do life without you ilya, I've never had and I dont want to figure out how to.We have barley had time we haven't even- he shuddered. "We needed more time. It's my fault...maybe if I hadn't been such a coward and come out sooner all those years ago when you said we should we wouldn't have had to hide so much,we could have had more time together. I Iove you ilya,so,so much and I will never not love you."
He talked to him a bit longer before finally giving him the softest of kisses to his knuckles and the last to his forehead before leaving him,forevermore.
---
It had been three weeks since they had him made into ashes and had his funeral,it had been beautiful filled with the people who shane knew cared and loved him almost as much as he did.
The ashes part had been in his will.Shane had never asked him ,of course he never did because they weren't suppose to think about that sort of stuff at their age.They had only ever talked about their future together.
The day he was given his ashes he sobbed so hard his head had been painful the next day.The urn filled with ilya's ashes.So much of him,reduced to thin,fine ashes.
He thought about it more then he should. How could a 6'3 man that weighted 265kg in pure muscle with a soul so gentle and kind be reduced to this?
The next day he went to the cottage.Their favorite place on earth were only a year prior they had confessed their undying love for eachother and after sitting close to the lake for a bit ,he spread some of his ashes, but not all because he still wanted to have some part of ilya everywhere.With him,forever.
He didn't know if that was selfish of him though.
---
Six months later
He wanted to die.
And slowly but surely he was.
He started small though because he couldn't just do it.He just couldn't.
He came to the realization that maybe the people who kill themselves because of losing someone weren't stupid.Before he thought they where,I mean,ilya had went through hell as a child seeing his mother and he was still able to make it,somehow,someway.
But he felt himself slipping away.
First it started small like biting his nails more than usual and didn't mind when his cuticles bled because of it or when he clenched his nails too hard into his palms.
He had struggled with anxiety attacks before but each passing month since, it had gone worse and worse,and ilya wasn't there anymore to help.
Then it started escalating.
He didn't tell anyone of course because he didn't want to worry anyone.
So as he sat on the bathroom floor and got a razor blade out,one from ilya's razors,actually.
Because in a way It made him feel closer to ilya,knowing that it was his.
It was weird.Part of him thought that cutting himself with it would make him feel closer to ilya, somehow.He didn't know why though,it just did.
The last few months his eating disorder had gotten worse,he knew he had one though because before ilya had left this world they had talked about it.Ilya had convinced him to get help and he had, and it worked for a while until it didn't again and with ilya gone it just had gotten worse,he only let himself eat foods he made himself that were low in calories and high in protein but slowly, slowly, he started eating less only a smoothie for the whole day or some chicken breast but then that also became to much for him so he just started starving himself every other day but recently he had started throwing up whatever little food he had that day because according to him it had contained to many calories.
Only Hayden and Svetlana had known of shane's disorder before it had gone worse because ilya had become so worried that he needed to tell someone.
And Hayden knew from before but shane never wanted to talk about it.
He cut himself then with ilya's blade.
Once...twice...three times.
Because three felt right.
The blood came pouring from his skin and he just kept going and going and then as he switched to the other arm he stopped for a minute.
What would ilya think?
But he couldn't just leave it alone,unatended,unharmed. It didn't feel right if he did.There just couldn't be a part of him that was okay.
Because he wasn't okay.
He didn't have to think long to know what ilya would say if he saw him like this ,he would be so sad.So,so sad.
But he wasn't here anymore.
So it didn't matter anymore.
So he kept going.
kept cutting.
He thought about killing himself 102 times those months ever since that day they told him he was gone.He didn't say anything out loud though,he just thought about it.
He knew he couldn't do that to his parents to Hayden and friends that loved him dearly and especially to ilya.
He finally stopped when he felt like he was going to pass out.
He didn't mind the passing out part,not at all but he didn't want anyone to accidentally find him if he did.
So,he let the blade clatter to the floor and as he got up the dizziness got worse so he held himself up with the wall and after stabilizing himself he leaned over to the sink, grabbed some rubbing alcohol and poured it directly to his cuts.It burned but he just squeezed his eyes shut and clattered his teeth together.Sanatizing them ,he thought.He didn't want it to get infected,not because of the pain,he actually welcomed that these days but because he didn't want to end up in a hospital because that would mean everyone got called.
He started crying again, he just thought of ilya and how much he wanted him to be here right now he would do anything to bring him back.He would even switch places with him... but would he though? Maybe not but not for any other reason than that he wouldn't want ilya to feel what he was feeling right now, he wouldn't wish it on anyone,actually.
He finally got himself clean put on a long sleeve sweater,happy it was winter season so one less thing he had to worry about.
He went to bed his body so tired so broken that he drifted to sleep quickly but in his sleep came dreams.Horrible ones that he would wake up terrified again ,it had been the same dreams for months now.About ilya.Ilya in the plane screaming in agony and pain in his seat but shane couldn't do anything but watch.
He woke up sweating and screaming.
He knew his death hadn't been that gruesome-no that was a lie he had a leg and arm missing for god's sake.He had left the world in pain and alone.
He sobbed.
He wished ilya was there to comfort him but as he looked to the side hoping to see him or even smell him in the sheets,he wasn't it was just as cold as he was now.
---
Hayden and jackie had tried everything to get him outside to try and have even a bit of a social life.They knew he was going through so much, hell everyone knew that.
And shane did sometimes go to
the Pikes place for dinner or lunch because he didn't want to worry them so if he had to crawl out of bed and talk for an hour or two with them to avoid any concerns ,he would.
He felt so hallow.
It was a late night at the Pikes place where he had some dinner with them and as he was helping by washing the dishes Jackie handing him the plates she noticed on his rolled up sleeves a cut,a big cut.To deep to be anything else then not on purpose or unplanned. It had been a recent one shane had just given himself a few days ago a little too deep than usual but he didn't mind because the others had made him numb and he needed new pain to compensate the bigger hole he felt getting bigger and bigger in his heart because what people had said about each day gets better was a lie. A huge, unmistakable lie .Because everyday that passed was just a reminder of his abbsence.
And as Jackie noticed it shane saw her and quickly let the plates down and put his sleeves back down.
"Shane-" she said now just staring at him with so much pain etched into her eyes it made shane feel guilt and shame.
"I'm fine" he quickly said trying to safe himself and her.
"Shane" she said now softer than before.
"I said i'm fine" he said bolder and louder than before.Fuck that came out wrong he didn't mean to sound rude.
"Sorry...sorry" he said.
"I uhm, have to go I can't- im sorry... I just can't" he said while grabbing his things.
So he quickly said bye to Hayden and the kids making some cheap excuse about an early meeting.
Hayden knew him too much to know it was a lie but didn't say anything for his sake.
And as he left and started driving ,his eyes started to get blurry so much so he had to get off the road somewhere.And he just sobbed in his car.
He felt so ashamed and guilty but so broken too.He didn't know witch one outweighed the other these days.
He had always been broken in a way but ilya had fixed that ,he knew that because the minute ilya had left the world he had fallen again because just as ilya was able to put him back with his love,and whispered things,as soon as he had left he had shattered again.And this time into pieces that were unable to be glued back together again.
He had fucked up badly.Jackie was going to tell Hayden and then-
He couldn't breath- he felt like the oxygen in the world had run out and this was it.
His chest was tight as he grabbed it, he tried to breath but it only made it more painful.
He wanted to die.
So he did that night.
Because he couldn't take the sorrow that had been consuming him for months now.
So as soon as entered his and ilya's home he grabbed some of ilya's favorite vodka from Russia and a picture of them when they won a cup together a few years ago.
He had thought of ways to go before.But this was it.
He waited for the bath to fill up and got in, he had thought about going with pills but he wouldn't do that to his ilya.
So after he wrote the letter he got in the tub with the same clothes he was wearing that day...ilya's boston hoodie.He drank a few gulps of the vodka savoring it for himself and ilya and stared at their picture and after what seemed like a while he finally grabbed the razor and cut from his wrist and upwards.A single deadly line.Then the other arm ,at this point he started to breath louder and shallower from the pain, he dropped the blade and layed there in the tub.It was filling up with blood fast and in his last moments of life all he could think was how much he loved ilya and how sorry he was for this.
He was excited to see him again though.
His death came slow and painful.
Just like ilya's.
The crimson water started spilling onto the floor and didn't stop.
Because time didn't care.
It hadn't before and it wouldn't now.
---
Only a few hours passed until he was found.
Hayden had went up to talk to him about what Jackie had told him the night before. He had knocked on the door a few times with no avail when he decided to use the spare key under the mat and entered.
"Shane" he called out.
"You home bud" he said louder now.
Then he felt it.
Something was wrong.Really wrong. It wasn't until he noticed the hallway was wet and reddish that he realized.
He ran to the bathroom and swung the door open and that's when he saw him.
"Shane-shane it's me,its Hayden." he had dropped to his knees now and grabbed him by the face gently and then he shook him from his shoulders.
He was cold.
And he was gone.
And Hayden started sobbing.
"Please- no God,no" he said sobbing harder and hugging him tighter.
Some part of him thought, that maybe if he held him tight enough,longer enough, it would somehow bring him back.
But it didn't.
How hadn't he noticed before? but the truth was he had,just not enough.
He had seen shane looking more tired with each passing month but everytime he thought to say something ,he didn't becausehe had tried before butshane said some excuse and he had believed him.He was also scared to ask too much and somehow make it worse for him.He had looked up the signs of an eating disorder a few months ago and he noticed shane had most ,like with the food and how little he ate whenever he did managed to get him to come for dinner but especially when his kids asked him to bake cookies with them and eat them but kindly refused to sometimes spitting it in a napkin when he thought no one was watching,he did confront him about that but he just said that he was on a diet for the season,he had managed to let it go that one time.
Thats why he had come to visit him this morning because what Jackie had told him of what she saw had been the final straw.
But he was too late.
---
Another day,another funeral.
Like ilya's,it had also been beautiful full of people that loved him,he had made sure of that.
It was another tragedy for their family and friends,Yuna and David had lost another son and now were alone with only memories,videos and pictures of them to remember them by.
He had also been cremated.
---
Dear Hayden,I'm sorry you're the one to find me like this.I want you to have a reason though ,after ilya's death I was never the same ,you saw that,everyone did.I really want you to know that I tried and I feel really guilty for doing this but I can't keep going and lying to myself and others around me.People said that it would get better and I waited and waited but it never did.I really love you Hayd ,truly thank you so much for being in my life all this years and for showing me true friendship and I really,really wished all the love the others and you gave me would be enough but it wasn't his love, so I'm sorry it had to be this way.Tell my parents I changed my mind and wish to be cremated like ilya.Give my best to Jackie and tell the kids their uncles loved them dearly.I would appreciate it if you could watch over my parents, atlleast for a bit,please.Take all the money I and ilya have to donate wherever you and my parents see best,but please save some for them I want them to be able to enjoy life how they deserve and don't mind taking some for yourself hayd you deserve it too.Sorry if the letter is too long.
I'm sorry.Tell my parents and our friends I love them for me.
I love you Hayden, until we see eachother again brother.
Shane
---
And Hayden did.