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Andrew thinks a lot.
In spite of how much he doesn't speak, he thinks a lot, especially without his medicines and because of a redhead who makes him feel alive. Neil is a very very constant and almost intrusive thought in Andrew's mind, it annoys him as much as it pleases him.
As another Wednesday afternoon he is at Bee's for another session. She made him a cup of hot chocolate and was talking something about her weekend and the movie she was anxious for Andrew to watch, but he wasn't paying attention, he had another thing in mind.
“Have you ever had sex, Bee?” He asked with a bored tone, putting his cup on the little table in front of him. “Like not just sex, but sex.”
“Do you say with someone I like?” She asked really carefully, she knows about his past and doesn't need to take it back now.
“I hate him.” It is everything Andrew says, staying in silence for whole five minutes before Betsy speaks again.
“How is he by the way?”
“You should ask him.”
“But you are here and I'm asking you.” She says quietly, looking at him while drinking her hot chocolate.
“Have you ever had sex, Bee?” He definitely knew she did, but it was the best way to start the subject, so he repeats the question and it looks like he will do it until she answers him.
She stops and look through the window, thinking. “Yes.”
Andrew looks at her with inexpressive eyes, but she knows he is looking for something that he doesn't even know what.
“Have you and Neil had sex?”
“He wants to.” Andrew says as if he was telling her how the weather was, but that's the thing, he never talks about the weather.
“Did he tell you?”
“No, but I know he wants to, he is terrible at pretending to not want.” Andrew looked away through the window, he was definitely with something in mind, Betsy knew it, she just can't push it wrong.
“Do you want to?”
“I already told you, Bee. I want nothing.” He said staring at his own hands, like it was the most interesting thing.
“Does he know what you want?” Bee said as if he hadn't just told her that he wants nothing.
“I want nothing, Bee. Don't make me repeat it again.”
And then he stayed in silence for a while, and Betsy just looked at him waiting, she knew what was coming. “It's hard, you know?”
“Can you explain it better?” She asks nicely, filling his cup with more hot chocolate.
“I want nothing.” He said again and stared at her, begging for her to understand what that look meant, even if he knew she wouldn't be able to do it.
“Does he know you gave him a nickname?”
“I will tell a story, can you listen to it quietly?” Andrew said rudely, but not that rude.
“For sure, dear.” Andrew looked at her suspiciously and then sighed.
“Once upon time there was a rabbit, a little fucking rabbit.” he started, Betty stayed in silence waiting for him to continue “he never had a carrot, not a real one. He always wanted, he always wanted so bad that miserable carrot, but all the farmers tried to take advantage of him. The last time he tried a carrot he almost died and didn't even feel the flavor.”
“And then?” She tried to encourage him to keep going.
“There was a stupid martyr farmer, with repulsive stunning blue eyes and these terrible freckles. Who offered him a carrot, well, he is trying and it looks like he doesn't know what he is doing.”
“You should talk to him.”
“Me? I'm not the bunny, Bee, pay attention to my story.” Andrew said, looking at her with narrow eyes.
“The rabbit should talk to the farmer.”
“No, he won't. It's complicated. He wants that carrot but he will not be able to cope afterwards. Everything always ends badly.”
“Are you afraid, then?” She tries, wrong again, he is not the rabbit.
“Fuck, Bee. I'm not that stupid bunny.” He started picking his own nails.
“I think the rabbit should give it a shot, don't you think?”
“It's dangerous, especially when the farmer uses his ugly mesmerising eyes. The last time he almost ate a carrot he almost died.” Andrew said, staying in silence for the whole ten minutes, finally pulling out a piece of his nail.
“You can run away from him and live with an ‘if’ or give it a try.”
“I'm not that stupid bunny, I will not tell you this again.” He repeats impatiently.
“Maybe the farmer doesn't want to hurt the little rabbit, he deserves to be loved.”
“I hate him, Bee.” Andrew says.
“I will not be able to put myself back again, not after this.” He raised his gaze and Betsy knew he was there, almost freaking out and Andrew hates it.
He hates how Bee sees this part of him and how that fucking farmer got to see him like that too, how he makes him feel.
“I will never get over him, the last time I let myself feel something I almost died.”
“And what if the farmer is scared too?” She said and Andrew looked at her confused. “Maybe he is as scared as the rabbit.”
“I'm not scared.” He pointed.
“Yes, but the rabbit is, isn't he?” She raised both eyebrows and Andrew kept listening. “You will never know how it would have been if you never tried, and if something goes wrong again… I will be here.”
“You don't know, maybe I will be too far gone to be fixed.” He said and drank his hot chocolate, it wasn't cold but it wasn't hot either.
“Maybe you should talk to him.”
“I hate talking.”
“Then tell him the story, he will be fascinated by the rabbit, he is for sure really brave and you know it.”
“The time is over, bye Bee.” He got up and went out almost running, he didn't wait to see if she would say goodbye back.
I will be here.
All these fake promises, she doesn't know, no one knows.
He doesn't want anything, he doesn't need anything.
He wants nothing.
He wants nothing.
“Where are you going?” Andrew heard his voice and just stopped walking.
“What are you doing here?” He didn't turn around, Neil couldn't see him like this.
“Nicky message me to pick you up, to be honest he called me while waiting for you, something about Kevin. I didn't bother to ask, I just came.”
“I don't need you.” He spilled “go away.” He just started walking towards the park, looking for his keys,
“Is everything okay?” Neil looked concerned.
“As always.”
Maybe he is as scared as you.
“I can drive alone, you can go fuck yourself or whatever.” He took a deep breath and put everything back inside of him, he couldn't put himself together afterwards. I will be here.
“What's your problem today?”
“You.”
He stopped near the car door, looking for the first time to Neil, he was wearing a pair of armbands matching Andrew's.
“Can I go with you?” He asked, looking into Andrew's eyes and looking for something, he knew there was something.
“I don't care.”
He entered the car breathing deeply and trying to concentrate. Neil entered in the car and stayed in silence, Andrew turned on the radio and put the music to the maximum, pretending to not be affected after Bee's session, he knew he wasn't pulling it off.
When they arrived at the gym the whole team was there, including Nicky and Kevin who was talking to Wymack, Andrew took some time to see the red and golden uniform, no one was playing, Jean and Jeremy were there to see Kevin.
He didn't pay any attention to the conversation, Kevin called him more than three times - maybe five but he wasn't paying attention - but he just went to the couch and made himself comfortable there.
The rest of the day was a blur, he was definitely thinking too much and he knew it.
At late night that same day while Kevin and Neil were playing he headed out and took his phone to call her.
“Are you awake?”
“Hello, dear.” She answered, clearly just woken up.
“Do you think the rabbit is stupid?”
“I can not say anything about this, it is your- his decision.”
“This fucking stupid rabbit wants to trust him.”
“Then you should.” Bee said and waited, waited a little more.
After Aaron talked about Neil in one of their shared sessions he started calling her sometimes to talk about this. Renee would be a good person to talk about, but she is not Bee.
“Has he ever touched you?” She asked and he stayed in silence for a whole minute before speaking.
“He is stupid, I will not be able to put myself back together afterwards, Bee. I fucking hate him so much.” Andrew curled up, head tucked between his knees, speaking quietly “He kissed me, He touched me, and he gave me a blow job and… I don't fucking know what to do, I want that fucking carrot.” He stared at the floor, biting his own lips without even noticing.
“Then you should talk to him.”
“He does as I say and that annoys me so fucking much.”
“Everyone deserves a carrot, dear.”
“Even me?” He asked with an indifferent tone, but his gaze wavered, he was feeling too much, he couldn't.
“Especially you.”
He stayed in silence for so long he didn't even know how many minutes he stayed there, just listening to the sound of a TV program in the back of Betsy silence.
“OK. Good night, Bee.”
He said and turned off his phone. He downed his head and stayed curled for a long time, being out of orbit, just coming back when he heard Neil's voice looking for him.
“What's up with you today?” Andrew didn't answer, he studied Neil and realised he was already in clean clothes, which means the training was over.
He just walked by him and pulled him by his hood, which made Neil tripped before walking by his side when Andrew let his hood out of his hand.
The trip back to the Foxhole was quiet. Kevin was in the back of the car staring at the sky, Andrew didn't bother asking what he and the two trojans were doing, he just drove as fast as he could.
…
When they arrived at the Foxhole Kevin went to the dorms and Andrew went upstairs, Neil didn't even pretend he wasn't following Andrew.
They were “this” since he came back from his father, since Nathaniel died.
It had been six months since they accepted “this” as something, since they had matching armbands.
“What's up to you?” Neil asked after a while in silence, Andrew was smoking - they were sharing a cigarette.
“Have you ever had sex?” Neil raised an eyebrow and looked at Andrew, he didn't look back.
“What? No, the furthest I have gone was with you.”
“Do you want to have sex?” Neil took the cigarette out of his hands and stabbed it out on the floor.
“Probably, do you want to have sex?”
Andrew didn't answer. He never wanted anything, no one ever made him want.
But Neil.
Neil Josten.
Neil fucking Josten.
Neil fucking Josten.
Neil did things to him.
He wants Neil.
Sometimes so much that it burns him out.
“I hate you.”
“You want me.” Neil whispered and for the first time in the day Andrew looked directed at him, his gaze was anxious, a part of him only Neil was able to see, secrets deep in his eyes, his body tensed.
“I hate you.” He said again “198%”.
“I'm anxious for it to go to 200%.” He smiled shyly.
“199%.” Andrew was lost.
Definitely fucking lost.
“Yes or no?”
“It's always yes with you.”
“Shut up.”
He kissed Neil as if his life was depending on it and maybe it was. A hand went to his hair, Andrew tangled his fingers through his curls and Neil let out a little moan, holding his neck while Andrew controlled the kiss.
Neil was definitely weak on his knees, the good part is that he was already sitting. Having Andrew's hand all over his body during the kiss didn't help either of them, Andrew kissed Neil like a starved man and only the stars were their only witnesses.
Neil didn’t know exactly how or when they got into that position, that tension between them. But kissing each other was breath taken.
Neil felt his lips numb after so much time kissing, he was definitely with his pants dirty as Andrew, looking at him from up. He didn't know how they managed that position with Neil above Andrew on his lap.
“We are going to Columbia on Saturday.”
“Why not Friday?”
“It will be just the two of us, you dumb.” Andrew said as it was obvious what he meant and Neil stopped to think and then put his face on his neck, hiding.
“I definitely won't do this with Kevin and Nicky in the other room.”
“So we're having sex.” More a statement than a question, so Andrew didn't bother to answer.
They kissed a little more and went downstairs to change clothes and sleep.
Andrew knew that after this he wouldn't be able to go away, but it is not like he was able before.
It is not like he ever wanted to be able to go away.