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When Shane got to his hotel room he was already annoyed. People spoke too loudly all day. The bus was so loud, unholy levels of loud, why did Hayden feel the need to scream on the bus? Why do they have to speak to people in the back from the front and vice versa? Did no one have any decorum?
Hayden was drinking in the lobby when he was down there. That made it all even worse because he was stuck in the same hotel room as him. He should have never gotten the same room, he should have stayed by himself. The stress had been eating him alive lately, he would see Ilya for another two weeks, and he knew he had to be an adult.
That was a newer thing. He was an adult, but he preferred being soft or whatever Ilya called it. Said he was cute and precious and beautiful and perfect and fuck why wasn’t Ilya here now? If he was here he could curl up and not think of anything. He stared at his backpack, it was too risky. Hayden knew he sucked his thumb and didn’t give a shit, but blankie or puck or paci was a totally different scenario.
He decided just to change. He could change turn on the tv, lay down, and just pretend it wasn’t going on. Pretend they didn’t have a huge game tomorrow, pretend the stress wasn’t there, pretend maybe he was home and Ilya would come home. He grabbed pajamas out of his suitcase and changed rapidly. Even the silence in the hotel was too fucking loud.
He heard the door open and he sighed, leaning his head against the mirror. Hayden was back. Great. Hayden rivaled Ilya with his phone usage, the man played candy crush with the volume on. If Hayden would just give Ilya a chance he’d see how alike they are. Hayden might even change his actions for the better.
That was a dick thing to think. He didn’t want Ilya to change why would he want Hayden too? He hears the tv turn on and volume go up. Oh. That’s right. He had zero spacial awareness and thoughts when he wasn’t home. The only reason he had any at home if because after Arthur was born she chucked his phone out the second floor window. Cursing him up and down and how stupid he was. It was probably quite the scene.
“Hollzy?” Hayden asks, “are you in the bathroom?”
“Yeah, one second.”
“You’re good. Thought it was you.” He was drunk, great, he’d be even louder. Shane didn’t know how to tell him life was too loud right now. That it was too much. He took a deep breath and opened the door.
“Who else would it be?” Shane asked walking back with his clothes.
“I don’t know man, maybe you switched room partners.”
“I always stay with you, since I was a rookie.”
“Maybe you’re sick of me. I don’t know.”
“Not yet.” He mumbles, he feels bad. He was sick of him a little, but why would Hayden immediately assume he was? When he peeled back the hotel bedsheets he knew he was in for a bad time. They felt loud, they felt wrong, and everything was wrong. He tried to lay down, but he felt rigid.
He hated the starch feeling, most hotels didn’t have that anymore. He shifted, shifted again, and shifted a third time before attempting to just breathe through it. He could do this, it was fine. If he kept thinking it was fine it had to be fine. He could trick himself, it’s what he used to do.
“Shane, dude, you okay?” His head felt under water.
“Fine.”
“You’re breathing really hard.”
“Thanks for pointing it out.” He hears Hayden turn down the tv.
“Are you okay?” He sounds more serious.
“Fine. I’m fine. Drop it.” Hayden puffs a laugh out and ignores him.
One reason he’d never change hotel roommates was definitely the fact Hayden had known him since rookie season. The other main reason was as Shane tried to get comfortable he could place his thumb in his mouth and get no reaction from the man. He doesn’t know what’s on tv, he’s trying to watch it.
“You’re going to gnaw your thumb off man.” Hayden jokes about five minutes later.
“Shut up.” He mumbles around his thumb.
“I’m serious. We had to get the girls to stop sucking their thumbs, what’d you dentist say?” He could feel himself blush heavily.
“I’m fine.”
“No, seriously, we’re doing it with Arthur now too. Didn’t it drive your mom insane?”
“Drop it.”
“And your jaw isn’t fucked up, at like all. It should be, it definitely should be.”
“Hayden.” He warns.
“Oh now you’re embarrassed? It’s been years man.”
“Yes, it’s too fucking loud in here, the sheets are loud, and I don’t need you ribbing me for this.”
He takes it out of his mouth, clearly upset.
“So suck it, I don’t care.” Shane tries to breathe through it, tries to calm down. He keeps moving, he ends up laying on top of the blankets in an useless attempt to soothe the loudness of the sheets.
“Fuck!” He mutters in an angry tone.
“Are you crying?” Fuck is he?
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” Hayden asks, looking actually concerned now.
“It’s loud! It’s loud Hayden! The sheets are fucking loud! Why do they feel like that! I want to go home and lay down and not have to think about what I’m doing. It’s like walking on goddamn egg shells when I’m locked in these fucking hotel rooms with you.” Hayden looks a little shocked by the outburst.
“It’s only when we share a room?”
“What?”
“Can I do something different if it’s just my fault?”
“It’s not your fault.” He suddenly feels a lot less angry when Hayden looks hurt.
“No, it’s okay. What can I do?”
“Nothing.”
“What would you do if I wasn’t here?”
“Nothing.” He throws himself back now and when his leg touches that weird ass shoe thing at the bottom of the bed he lets out a frustrated noise and tries to get away from it quickly.
“Okay. Okay. Something’s wrong. What can I do?” He doesn’t know how to answer him, if he does the secrets out he used the pacifiers he got him years ago and currently uses ones for his jaw. The secret is out he doesn’t calm down quickly, well that was known about him.
“Nothing.” He sounds miserable behind his thumb and he knows he wants Ilya. He knows he wants to be with him.
“That’s bullshit. Let me help you.”
“You’ll laugh at me.”
“Probably! It’s what friends do!” He whines again. “Please, Shane, for the love of our sanities tell me what you want. You can throw a whole tantrum later, if you throw it first it won’t help you.”
“You sound like Jackie.” He didn’t want him to sound how Jackie does or how Ilya does. He’s normal, he wants to feel normal.
“Well, you aren’t giving me much of a choice.” Hayden sounds exasperated, like he just wants to help. Maybe he does. Shane takes his moment of bravery and points towards his bag. “Your backpack? Okay? What’s in it?” Hayden is getting it off the floor and bringing it over to the bed.
“Blankie.” He mumbles, hoping Hayden can get the fucking point.
“Blankie? Okay, yeah, blankie.” Hayden is digging through his bag, finding it near the bottom. “Please tell me this is blankie.” Hayden looks desperate.
“Yeah, that’s blankie.” He takes it and rubs his face immediately, trying to get his head quieter.
“What’s this? Oh man, have you been using your thumb because of me?” Hayden must have dug deeper into the bag.
“No.” He lies.
“Here, don’t be weird.” Hayden laughs, handing him his pacifier. He takes it in his hand and looks at it, looks at Hayden who is retreating back to his own bed, and back to the pacifier.
“Don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t.” He’s looking at the room service menu now and Shane puts it in his mouth. It’s a different type of relaxing that happens, he feels himself slack more the longer he leans back. His blankie rubbing his nose and he finally feels comfortable enough to lay back.
“Do you want dinner?” Shane shakes his head no. “Okay, well, you should eat anyway? What about like a banana or something? As a snack?” He glared at Hayden from his spot on the bed.
“Not hungry.”
“Cool. You haven’t eaten anything. Pick something.” He chucks the menu at him.
“Grilled chicken.” He decides, throwing it back.
“I’m getting spaghetti. I’ll order for us.” Hayden does and Shane wants to ask him why he isn’t weirded out? Why isn’t he questioning if Shane should be the captain? Why is he just rolling with it?
“Are you mad at me?” Hayden doesn’t even bother to look over.
“No, why?”
“Shouldn’t you be?”
“I’m pissy you won’t eat normal. I had to ask for plain grilled chicken and rice with no sauce or anything. I sound like a serial killer.” He does laugh at that.
“No, just, you know.”
“I’ve said it since I’ve known you, what you do off the ice is on you. I don’t care. I don’t care when you sneak off to talk to Lily or to see her. I don’t care when you suck your thumb. I sure as shit don’t care you apparently have talked to a dentist about your teeth or that the blankie is a new addition.” Hayden basically smoothes everything out in one go and Shane smiles a little.
“Thank you.”
“No problem, but seriously stop making me order weird food. It’s one thing with Jackie.”
“It isn’t weird food!” He defends himself.
“What type of diet doesn’t let you eat a candy bar? Ice cream?”
“All of them?”
“Well at least start one that lets you have chips and cheese at chipotle. If you make me order you some weird ass order-”
Shane cuts him off, “hey!”
“It’s weird dude!”
“No it’s not!”
“Think about your order. Never make me order it again.” Shane laughs now, allowing the calmness to flow in the room easier.