Chapter Text
The ED was no different this day. Patients on the verge of release from life, only to be ripped from the grasp of death to be placed back into this miserable world. To regain consciousness back into the world in a worse condition, but at least you're still alive. At least that’s what Doctor. Michael Rabinavitch told himself. Justifying the teen he’d resuscitated just moments prior, whose life would be forever changed because he couldn’t get oxygen to her brain fast enough. Who wouldn’t go on to become valedictorian of her class but remain at home where her parents would observe her to make sure she didn’t choke on her spit while she sat still and unmoving for the rest of her life. If you could even call that living.
There were many downs working as an Emergency Department doctor in The Pitt. More downs than ups if you asked Robby. The weight of death and family members screaming out blanketed his shoulders as he walked the halls of the ED. Each step felt more and more difficult to attempt. But the mourning families weren't the worst part about losing a patient. It was the occasional patient who had no family at their bedside in their last moments. The only sound that would fill those rooms was the deafening noise of the heart monitor flat lining. The sound anyone would recognize whether they’ve experienced loss themselves or not. If it was quiet enough, it sent a dark and daunting cloud through the ED as it rang through the long twisting halls. It signaled free nurses, residents and medical students that their fellow colleagues, despite their best efforts, couldn’t fulfill their duty.
That was Robby’s biggest fear. To end up on that bed with no one next to him as he took his last breath. No one to hold his hand. No one to tell him that they’re sorry, that he’s forgiven, that they are thankful and that they love him. The thought is depressing and persistently in the back of his mind. It comes out much harsher when he runs into that occasional patient. Old and withering away. The only thing Robby would think about in those moments were ‘Where is their family? Didn’t they have kids, someone looking after them? A wife, husband, sister or brother?
Will this be me one day?’
This is what Robby was thinking about as he walked through his department. As he watched his bustling residents and med students. Eager to learn different life saving operations. Eager to learn how to defy Death itself and give someone the chance to proceed into the future. To continue as if nothing happened. All without a thank you. That’s not the point of working as a doctor. You go in, intubate, do CPR, shock a guy’s chest to get his heart at a normal rhythm, put in an IV, pop dislocations back into place. You do this without expecting a thank you in return. Seeing them walk out of the ER is enough.
His long inner monologue came to an end however as a heavy force struck square in the sternum.
“Jesus Christ-!”
“Doctor Robby! My apologies, sir,” came the squeaked reply from the intern in front of him. Dennis. His new prodigal ‘son’ since Langdon left to put his life on track.
“Whitaker,” Robby said in a clipped voice. “Being quick and clumsy only brings broken blood vials and burst IV bags. Trust me, I would know.” He tries not to be too harsh on the young man, but his irritation was visible across his face. It didn’t help he was nearing the end of his shift and was already on thin ice
Dennis looked embarrassed, “I understand, sir! I was trying to get results for a patient’s echocardiogram. They presented with chest pains and shortness of breath, so you get the idea of why I would be running around like this-!”
Robby sighed deeply, not having the patience left to deal with Dennis’s rambling like he would any other day. “Whitaker,” he interrupted. “I don’t need the full summary of why you’re tumbling around the ER floor like a toddler. I have things I need to get done before Gloria gets on my ass.”
He instantly regretted what he said as soon as it came out of his mouth as he saw the nervous smile drop from Dennis’s face into a flat line. All he got in reply was a clipped ‘sorry’ and the younger man was off. Robby rubbed his hand down his face, trying to take a deep breath. He never snapped at Dennis. The kid was in over his head sometimes but he has the heart and courage to do what he took nearly 8 years of schooling for. Robby knows what it's like to be like him. Young and terrified of messing up. Of one wrong move ending the life of a patient. He also knows that it’s like when an attending refuses to be understanding. To be looked down upon when all you’re trying to do is help someone live a better life.
He tried not to be like the attendings he hated in his past. To slow down and ask questions that would teach rather than belittle a student.
He turned around and saw Dennis scurry around, dodging pushcarts and patients in wheel chairs. ‘That kid does need to be more careful, though.’
He began walking forward again, whipping his head in front only to run into another body, much stiffer and more immovable this time, “You’ve got to be kidding–!”
“Woah there hot rod, maybe keep your eyes in the same direction your legs are taking you!” The voice was familiar and the irritation and stress slowly began lifting away from his body. Robby lowered his gaze and caught the eyes of his co-attending. Jack Abbot. His husband. His Partner. His Anchor to this spinning rock, whatever you want to call it.
“Jack, man, I’m sorry it's been a long day,” Robby’s face relaxed, not noticing how tense he was, how stiff his jaw felt after unclenching it. A hand landed on his shoulder, more restricted and professional due to the setting.
“Don’t worry about it, okay, Robby? I get it, trust me. You need to take a second, we can head up to the roof to get some air?” Jack. Always so caring, always so considerate of his partner. Always willing to slow the world around them to make sure Robby wasn’t falling behind the rest of them. That was the best part about Jack Abbot. Despite the things that man has gone through, much of which Robby was around for, the deployments, night terrors and the bomb that changed the trajectory of Jack’s world more than he wanted it to, he was always considering Robby. Always sending letters when he didn’t have access to a phone and in the middle of a desert. Always making sure Robby wasn’t traumatized from the punch Jack was disgustingly close to throwing after being woken up too quickly from a nightmare. Always checking in with Robby when the shift just wouldn’t end, even when his own legs were throbbing with pain and each step felt like pressing a hot coal to his amputated leg.
Jack was patient, caring, loving, and most of all, he just understood Robby. It’s why they’ve been together since their sophomore year of undergrad.
Robby gave him a small but warm smile, “Thank you, Jack, but I’m just fine,” a lie, but he doesn’t want Jack to worry about him, the man is about to start his shift after all. A quick rant that would leave Jack wanted to be as close to Robby as he can would only torture the man. “I just need to get home and relax in the tub for a while, muscles are sore is’all.”
Jack wasn’t convinced Robby knew why. Jack has been his for nearly 30 years now. Of course he would see through Robby. “If you say so.” The warmth left Robby’s shoulder almost too quickly, the cool air of the ED hitting his arm and sending a shiver up his spine. Robby caught Jack’s eyes staring at something behind him and he followed them. To Dennis, then back to Jack, an unknown presence in the older man’s eyes that Robby couldn’t identify. He looked back towards Dennis who was no longer watching the two’s intimate moment and had tumbled past them once again. “Just get home and eat, dinner is in the fridge.” With a strong and comforting pat to the back, Jack left him in the doorway of the ambulance bay.
Now, as he stood there alone, dangerous and invading thoughts roaming in his head, Robby regretted not taking up that roof-top talk.
The air outside of the hospital hit him like a brick. Stifling and moist. The heat was no joke and once again, Robby wished he opted for the truck instead of walking. The air around him was suffocating and unrelenting. Sweat gathered on his forehead just a couple minutes into his walk.
He got home slowly but eventually. He drew a bath and set a reheated dinner that Jack had prepared that morning. Working opposite shifts from his husband was difficult, but the days they shared together were precious to Robby, the nights when it was just the two of them in bed together, although, were even better. The decades they’ve spent together were full of hardships and tough days, but they came out on top, stronger and better than ever.
Robby sank down into the bath, food on the edge as he let his body be taken in by the warmth. Despite the heat that was beating down on him on his walk home, his house was cold, set to nearly 65 degrees. Jack was like a furnace, he always was. Robby ran cold. His fingers always made Jack shiver under his touch, no matter the circumstance. Robby loved touching. Not just sexually, but sensually. It grounded him and gave him clearance. Whenever he felt like he was about to be rocked out of orbit while on shift, Jack would notice, shuffle closer and receive a hand to the shoulder. Never questioning Robby until they shared the bed that night. When Doctor Michael Robinavitch could just be Mikey, or Robby. Only Jack called him that, the only person he would allow too at least. He earned the badge of honor from day one. When he came storming into their lecture, late and out of breath.
He plopped himself down right next to Robby in 1993, their first year of college and stuck out a hand. The first thing Robby noticed besides his rosy cheeks and shaky form were his damp curls. His eyes shone with excitement as he introduced himself with a bright smile, “Names Jack! Mind if I sit here?”
“No, I don’t mind, Michael Robinavitch,” he was tentative and quiet compared to Jack’s loud and unapologetic voice.
“Mikey, mind if I call you that? Nice to meet you!” Jack never let Robby respond as he took his hand and shook it violently. His energy crashed into Robby like an intense hurricane. The professor shushed Jack and from then on, he sat next to Robby for the rest of their freshman year.
Michael loved thinking about the day he met Jack. His Jack. The one he curls up next to on the couch to watch a sappy movie or war documentary. Who’ll share an entire pint of ice cream with him because he knows Robby won’t feel good about himself if he ate it on his own.
After that class, they became inseparable. At first, Robby thought Jack stuck around because he felt bad for him. The university they attended was out of state for him and therefore had no other friends. Jack on the other hand had a couple of friends from high school and was on a scholarship for football. Robby was somewhat lonely. He stayed in and studied rather than go out and party like Jack. He kept to the books and out performed his classmates. When Jack wasn’t out drinking with his football buddies, he spent his nights with Robby. Studying for whatever test they had the next morning, just the two of them.
That was the first year of their beginning. The next, was much darker. Much dimmer.
Jack, without any warning, signed himself up to join the military. Robby argued with him for the last days he had with him.
“I just don’t understand the need to fight a battle you didn’t start Jack!” His chest was heaving and face red from the shouting. His hands shook as he pleaded with his best friend. “You’re doing so good here, at university, with me,” the last part came out quiet as Robby’s voice cracked. Tears sprang to his eyes as tears threatened to spill over. A familiar feeling began forming a pit in his stomach and his throat tightened.
“It’s not about me, Mikey, it’s about everyone else! I’ve never felt like enough to anybody or anything. Even at school, I’m struggling to keep up, I know you see it. You spend nearly every night with me going over the same material over and over. I know you’re tired of it.” Jack was shouting too. His voice shook the thin walls of the tiny apartment they both decided to move into after finishing the mandatory dormitory year. The last sentence hit Robby like a brick.
“Not enough? Not enough, Jack, seriously? Why would you even think that? You’ve always been enough for me!” Robby pleaded, voice scratchy from use.
“No, Mikey, you don’t get it. You’re not the only thing that matters in my whole world, you know that? Not the center of my fuckin’ universe.” Robby stayed silent at that. His hands drooped to his sides slowly, tentatively. He had no words. “I have people back home expecting something of me, to have a purpose. Just because you got no one writing you letters doesn’t mean I don’t!” The words sounded louder than he intended as the shorter man heard himself echo throughout the stale flat.
It was low, Jack knew that. The hurt on Robby’s face was evident. It wasn’t that Robby had no one, it was that his parents stopped contacting him. Jack knew why. He knew ever since Robby came sobbing at his dorm in the middle of freshman year crying about how they’ve decided to cut him out. That was the same night Jack found out Robby was gay. It was only 6 months ago.
“Jack,” he croaked out. A tear slid down his cheek. His heart ached, like it was breaking at every painful word that was thrown at him. “Please, don’t do this.”
Robby snapped his eyes open, breathing quickly as the now cool water swooshed around him. He was covered in goosebumps. Not just from the water but the worst memory of Jack he’s always had hovering in the back of his mind.
Robby drained the tub and dried off. He gathered the now empty Pyrex container that once held his dinner and shuffled out of the bathroom.
After getting dressed he cleaned the kitchen and tidied the rest of their small and cozy home. Once he was finished, he sat down on the couch with a thin blanket over him, willing his body to shape itself into the memory foam couch.