Chapter Text
“At home, there is your shadow, the darkness of your gaze, and your voice that penetrates deep into my soul.
At home, there is the trace of my feet in the sand and the red that trails behind me, as I lie bare on the concrete like a withering flower.
At home, there is your hand on my skin and your nails beneath my skin, leaving me painted in blue and purple like a beautiful canvas.
At home, there is love and lies and the illusion of comfort.
At home, there are all the fears and ghosts that I cannot escape.
At home, there is you.”
_Rozy Blue
In the dark-colored sky, the clouds started gathering one by one. Singha was lying on his bed, watching through his open window as the city slowly awakened. Just like every day for the last couple of years, another nightmare had kept him awake.
As he got up from his bed, ready to head toward his living room, he got startled by the sound of his phone ringing. For a minute, the omega considered not picking up, because who in their right mind would call at five in the morning on a Saturday? But perhaps it was an emergency, he thought. And so he picked up the call without paying attention to the name on the screen and automatically regretted his choice after hearing his mother’s voice.
With exasperation, he let his hand wander into his hair. Whenever she called, two things happened: one, she would try to convince him to come home, or two, she would pester him about the fact that he was still not married when he wasn’t so young anymore. Whatever it was, Singha really was too exhausted to put up with it.
“Hello,” he said with no emotion in his voice.
“Singha, my dear!” she yelled happily.
“Mom… it’s really too early for a phone call.”
“Well… you always seem too busy to pick up your phone these days! What is a mother supposed to do to talk to her son?”
Of course she would try to guilt-trip him…
“What do you want?” he asked.
“No respect for your mother at all, I see.”
“Mom, please, I’m tired…”
His mother sighed, playfully annoyed.
“I was wondering when you’d be back in Thailand? I know this whole thing with King took a toll on you, but you can’t ignore your family forever! This is such a complicated situation for us too, you know?” she said.
“Mom-” he tried to stop her, but she ignored him, continuing her rant.
“And I told you not to date him, that he was bad news, but of course you ignored me! You’ve always been too stubborn for an omega. You need to change that attitude if you want to get married one day, you know! Ah… really, are you also still sleeping around and-”
“Mom!” He interrupted her firmly this time.
“Sorry, sorry, I got a bit carried away,” she said.
He could imagine her tapping her mouth the way she always did when she’d realize that she perhaps went too far. And Singha couldn’t stop the shadow of a smile at the memory.
And God, did he miss her.
But back home, there were too many memories that he couldn’t erase, too many scars that only he could see. And there was also King, his ex-boyfriend. The omega wasn’t sure that he could handle anything related to him anytime soon in this life.
What was he supposed to do if someday he and King crossed paths? Yell? Cry? He wasn’t sure. It was pretty hard to trust himself considering how he let his life go to hell five years ago.
Before he could dwell in self-pity, his mother’s voice pulled him back.
“You missed your sister’s wedding,” she said. And there it was in her voice, the familiar tenderness that he was so used to, making him understand that she wasn’t blaming him. “I know she told you that she was okay with it,” she continued, “but she missed you so much that day.”
Of course she did, he thought. May was ten years younger than him and an Alpha. But compared to him, she was already so much more mature. She had everything one could want in life: a loving wife, the job of her dreams, and her family who cherished her so much.
Well… everything except her older brother who decided to run away like a coward, unable to sort out his life. How he hated himself for not being able to stay by her side.
“Singha,” his mom called. He could hear the little crack in her voice as he imagined her face. She probably had her eyebrows furrowed and was nervously tucking on a strand of her hair. She would always do that when she tried not to cry.
“I know that I couldn’t protect you like I should have, but-”
“Don’t.” He stopped her. “Please don’t go there. Not now.”
“Okay,” she said.
A pause.
“Will you think about it? About coming home?” she asked.
“Yeah…”
“Okay… good,” she said with a flat tone. “You will let me know, right? If you change your mind.”
“I will, Mom. Just… take care of yourself, okay? I’ll see you soon. Maybe,” he said.
“Alright. I love you.”
“I love you too,” he said before hanging up.
Singha fell back on his bed, his body suddenly feeling heavy. Through his open window, the cold morning air caressed his skin, making him shiver a little. His eyes wandered toward the now-cloudy sky and the lights from the skyscrapers, which one after the other were being turned on.
His life had always been a bit funny. Being the only omega in a family full of alphas would be enough to drive anyone crazy. But his mom raised him to stand proudly and never bow to anyone. She raised him just like she would have raised an Alpha son.
But perhaps it had been a mistake.
Perhaps if he had been less proud, less outspoken, less… himself, none of what happened with King would have happened.
Slowly, Singha raised his hand toward the ceiling. He stared at his pale fingers where the ghost of a ring loomed. Everything used to be easy. But some things cannot be avoided forever.
And then Monday morning came. Everything around him felt too fast and strangely noisy these days. Sitting at his desk, the omega reached for his cup of coffee. His mood had been particularly dull since his mother’s call on Saturday. How fitting, then, that even the weather outside was grey, blurring the sharp lines of Hong Kong’s skyline.
He was just about to dive into his emails when a knock at the door interrupted him.
“Morning,” Mek greeted, standing awkwardly in the doorway, almost hesitant to come in.
That was unusual. The beta rarely hesitated. Not even all those years ago, when he left everything behind to follow Singha. Lord knows the omega was a complete wreck at the time. But still, Mek stayed for whatever reason. Sometimes he really questioned his sanity… or was it simply too much loyalty?
Singha glanced up at his friend-turned-assistant, catching the look in his eyes. He knew that one too well: Mek’s standard I have bad news and I really don’t know how to tell you without getting my head bitten off look.
“What is it this time? If you’re here to discuss the budget for the next charity event, I already-”
“It’s not about that,” Mek stopped him. “Your mom called…”
Right… that wasn’t new. So what was the issue with Mek today?
“Mek, I really don’t have all day,” Singha said, leaning back in his chair, mildly annoyed.
“Ah…” Mek stepped inside, closing the door behind him. “Phi, she asked me to cancel all your meetings for the next two weeks. And she… already booked you a flight to Bangkok. This Friday.”
There was a long silence between them, during which Singha looked at him as if he had just told the worst joke ever.
It had to be a joke, right?
For all of her craziness, his mom wasn’t actually one to do something like that. She had always respected whatever decision he made in life. With a lot of criticism, sure, but she never went against him. But then again, they had practically been strangers for a couple of years now. So maybe he didn’t know her that much anymore.
The omega leaned back in his chair, fingers tapping on the glass of his desk. He really was on the verge of a crash-out.
After several minutes, Mek started to grow concerned.
“Phi?” he called, and that seemed to bring Singha back.
“Before you yell at me,” Mek said, raising his hands defensively, “I told her I’d need to check with you first, but she said it wasn’t up for debate. She was very… insistent. And she’s also my boss, you know…”
“Right…” was all Singha said, and somehow that scared Mek more.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Fine,” Singha said, though they both knew it was a lie. He didn’t trust himself not to snap, and he needed to get out of there right now and talk to his mom. He hurriedly got up and started packing his bag under Mek’s curious gaze.
“You’re leaving?”
“Well, there is nothing left for me to do today, is there?”
The beta studied him for a few minutes, unsure of what to say, as Singha was almost done packing.
As if approaching a wounded animal, Mek walked toward him slowly and carefully put a hand on his shoulder, waiting to be pushed away. But Singha didn’t. He looked at him blankly, waiting for Mek to do or say whatever he was about to.
“I can try and talk to her if you want?” He asked. “She always listens to me.”
Singha chuckled at him, but there was no humor in it. He lightly tapped his hand off his shoulder.
“She already made up her mind, but thank you.”
“Then I will go with you,” Mek said. “Phi, can you sit down for a minute?” He then asked.
And surprisingly, Singha complied, dropping back into his office chair, with Mek standing in front of him.
“I will go with you,” Mek repeated firmly. “I know you think that you can handle everything by yourself, but I know you. I have seen you turn into a complete mess after-”
A sharp look from Singha cut him off. Right. They don’t talk about that. Ever.
Mek almost forgot. He cleared his throat before continuing.
“All I’m saying is, I don’t ever want to see you like that again,” he concluded, looking at the omega right in the eye, challenging him to refuse.
“Okay,” Singha said, defeated.
They both knew that Mek was right. There was no point in arguing with him, and truth be told, he was feeling very grateful to have him. There was something comforting about knowing that the beta would be by his side, just like before.
Now there was one last thing he had to do, so he hurried out of his office, followed by surprised stares. Usually, he never left before ten at night. His leaving so early would surely become the subject of gossip for weeks.
By the time he got home, the rain had started, turning the city into a mirror beneath the neon lights.
The omega dropped his bag by the door. His apartment stretched out before him, all dark wood floors and floor-to-ceiling windows framing Hong Kong like a postcard. The furniture was sleek and modern, the kind you’d see in a luxury catalog. But nothing felt personal. No photos on the walls. Not even a semblance of flowers for warmth. It was almost as if no one lived there.
He poured himself a drink for courage and stared at his phone far too long before finally deciding to call.
His mother answered on the second ring.
“Singha! I was waiting for your call,” she said, not a trace of guilt in her voice.
“You canceled my meetings,” he said, straight to the point “and you booked me a flight. Without asking.”
“Well, if I’d asked, you would have said no,” she replied, her tone maddeningly calm.
“And so you made a decision for me.”
Silence.
Then he heard the sound of liquid pouring. Well, he was glad that at least he wasn’t the only one who needed a drink to get through this.
“You left me with no choice,” she then said. “You’ve been away for five years. Five long years. You missed your sister’s wedding. You barely call, and when you do, you refuse to talk about yourself. Tell me, what was I supposed to do? Wait another five years and hope you eventually come home?”
Singha gripped his glass tighter. There was no point in denying it. He had been stalling and he knew it. One day it was that he had too much work; the next it was that he was feeling sick; then there were all the business trips he would take just to avoid setting foot back home.
But worse than the lies was the hope he had given her. “Next year, I promise,” he would say. But the following year, he would never show up. He felt ashamed, but she had no right to do what she did.
“You know why I left, but still you’re forcing my hand!” he replied angrily.
“I do. But I also need my son. And May needs her brother. And you need-”
“You don’t know what I need,” he interrupted her, his voice so low she could barely hear it.
“You’re right. I don’t.” Her voice softened. “But I also know that you can’t hide forever. Singha, please. I just need you to come home,” she said.
And he could hear it clearly, the crack that led to real tears this time.
“Mom-”
“Singha,” she pleaded again. “If you hate being home, if it’s too hard for you, you can just leave. I won’t stop you, I promise. But I just need to see you. I just need to see my son.”
Singha closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. He hated this. Hated making his mother beg. Hated how weak he felt. But the home that he used to love, it felt foreign. Terrifying, even. Home. He wasn’t even sure he could still call it that at all.
But there was nothing left for him to argue against anymore. He terribly missed his mother, as much as she missed him. And May… he missed his sister so much too.
“Fine,” he said in the end. “I will come. But I can’t promise you that I will stay…”
“It’s okay,” she said, relief flooding her voice. “It’s okay. As long as you’re coming home, nothing else matters.”
For a few minutes, there were no words. Just the sound of her ragged breathing as she struggled to hold back tears.
The drink in his hand felt warmer now. He turned the glass slowly, watching the ice melt, using the movement to distract himself while he waited for his mother to compose herself.
A good son would have comforted her. But their relationship had never been that kind.
When he was a child, she would wait for him to stop crying on his own, never pulling him into her arms. She believed it was important for him to be tougher.
“Omegas have it harder,” she would often say. “The faster you learn to deal with it, the easier your life will be”.
She loved him in her own strange way. He knew that much. And yet, as a child, he had wished she would show him just a little affection.
Now look at him, acting just like her. How ironic life can be. Children really do turn into their parents.
“Mom?” he called after some time.
“Yes? Sorry, I’m still here,” she answered. “So… I will see you on Friday,” she said, as if testing the words. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” he replied a little timidly, and hung up before either of them could say anything else.
For a moment, he just stood there, staring at his phone. Then at the space around him. Strangely, today it felt almost uncanny. Too big. Too empty.
The place that once felt like comfort was now heavy with everything he had left behind.
He looked at his open suitcase on the bed, already half-filled since he left the office.
You can’t hide forever, his mom had said.
But how he wished he could.