Chapter Text
Morning light filtered through the beige cotton curtains in Liu Xuancheng's room filling the room with a warm glow which would have seemed beautiful to him a few days back. He looked at the rays of sun falling on the small mahogany table next to the window as the familiar dread rose in his chest. He felt this way nowadays whenever he had to step out. He had been awake for almost 40 minutes now but couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed. He knew he had to start getting ready for work otherwise he would be late but his mind and body would not co-operate. His mind had been spiraling since he opened his eyes, straying to that one person he didn't want to think of again and again. After trying and failing for what felt like the hundredth time, he looked at his phone on the bedside table, wondering if he should check it, to see if maybe Zhan Xuan had texted him. He almost reached for the phone but then stopped. "What are you doing" he thought to himself, "you know he has stopped texting you, so what's even the point". While his mind struggled this way waiting for someone who wouldn't even look his way anymore, his body did not seem to want to do anything too. He felt tired and exhausted as soon as he woke up, maybe from all the emotional turmoil and lack of proper sleep. Such has been his struggle for the past few days.
It wasn't always like this. He has been working with Zhan Xuan for 3 weeks now on his first ever acting project. Zhan Xuan was the perfect person to be paired with for a first project. He was always there to support Xuancheng, helping with his acting, so pleasant and nice to everyone but especially to him, making him laugh, even getting him breakfast and fussing over him. He thought him and Zhan Xuan had bonded well. Apart from being together on set most of the time, they spent time together outside of work as well, they used to go out to eat together frequently and when apart, texted each other all the time, so much that they were practically inseparable. Even though he was new to the industry and the youngest cast member, he had felt no hesitation around Zhan Xuan as if they had known each other for a long time. This was his charm, the man made everyone around him so comfortable. There was no boring moment with him too. Liu had never imagined that work could be so much fun and it was all because of his partner. In addition to being the best co actor, Zhan Xuan really cared for him or so he thought.
But something had changed in the past few days. Zhan Xuan had basically dropped all contact with him apart from work. He stopped texting him, making any plans with him and even talking to him when not required. Liu tried to behave as usual but was met with something very much like indifference and it hurt, it really hurt. He remembered all those times he tried to talk to Zhan Xuan, trailed after him as if unnecessarily clinging to him but was met with curt responses, when he tried to catch his eye but was ignored and when he texted him only to receive short responses or to be left on read at times. His chest tightened at the memory and his eyes burned. He shook his head and quickly sat up. He felt like he was on the verge of tears all the time these days and didn't want to cry again. There was a constant weight pulling him down leaving him feeling empty at times and in immense pain at other times. He didn't understand what had happened, what had gone wrong. He had done nothing to upset Zhan Xuan or even if he had in some way that he didn't realise, Zhan Xuan as a responsible adult could talk to him about it but he refused to even look at him. Liu missed him, missed spending time with him, being pampered by him, being called a baby. Didn't Zhan Xuan see how affected he was? That's impossible, he had to know.
His thoughts went back to the day before. They were filming together and the day started with rehearsal for a scene. He had just woken up, felt a bit sleepy and was standing opposite Zhan Xuan, yawning, feeling the warmth radiate from his body. Zhan Xuan looked extra handsome in his casual blue shirt that he loved, his face glowing and his hair falling on his forehead. Liu couldn't help but steal glances. The scene required Zhan Xuan to kiss him on the forehead. They were rehearsing the scene, reading lines from the script. Zhan Xuan gently held him by the shoulders and pretended to kiss his forehead. Since his face was out of reach for Zhan Xuan, Liu ducked a little to be closer and then he kissed (pretended to kiss) his forehead again. A genuine smile formed on Zhan Xuan's lips at that, reaching his eyes, his expression becoming very fond. It was almost like the Zhan Xuan from before and Liu smiled back at him but then Zhan Xuan's smile dropped and his demeanor changed, turning almost cold. Noticing the change, Liu had to remind himself that he was just acting and that nothing had changed. The realisation broke him a little, tears welled in his eyes and his lips trembled. He tried blinking the tears away, took a deep breath and looked anywhere but at him. He could feel Zhan Xuan's eyes on him and with some courage looked up to meet his eyes. Zhan Xuan's face had softened as he looked at him. Was that concern he saw on his face? Or could it be guilt? Zhan Xuan raised his hand towards his face but Liu excused himself and walked away leaving him standing there. He could not take it anymore, it had been too much for him, the close contact, the slight smile from Zhan Xuan and his own disappointment. The image of Zhan Xuan's face standing there was still very fresh in his mind and it made him angry and sad at the same time.
His head started throbbing at the memory. He looked towards his phone again but then got out of bed and headed straight for the bathroom. He looked at his reflection in the mirror with disapproval. His face looked tired with dark circles under his eyes which was going to get him an earful from the director for not resting enough and looking like a ghost. He brushed his teeth, and took a shower. It was a few minutes before he realized that he was just standing in the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He was just going through the routine without actually paying attention to what he was doing as if in a trance. How was it possible that he was so affected because of a person he had known for only 3 weeks. A small voice in his mind said "do you really not know?" He knew....he had known for some time, he knew why his heart fluttered when he saw Zhan Xuan, why his face lit up when he saw him approaching, why his heart beat faster when he talked to him, why he got happy with just a good morning text from him and why his heart skipped a beat at his smiles and did somersaults when he laughed wholeheartedly and unabashedly. He knew very well why even now, after everything, he would be happy to get just a few nice words from him. At his young age of 19, Liu had never felt this way for a man. Maybe because he never met anyone as charming as Zhan Xuan. The way Zhan Xuan used to look at him with his warm gaze and pretty smile, it could melt anyone and it did more than melt Liu. Before he realized, liu found himself looking at him more and more, seeking his warmth, and sweet words. So he knew what he felt for him and had once thought Zhan Xuan may have felt the same way. He must have imagined it because that was clearly not the case and he didn't wish for it either. He would have been happy or at least satisfied with getting the usual sweet behaviour. The fact that he won't get even that anymore was crushing, leaving him a crying mess at times.
Pulling himself together, he tried to pay attention to the task at hand and got dressed. He knew that he had to leave for work now or he'll be really late. He told himself that he had to get out of this state of constant sadness. But that feeling was catching up again, the feeling that made him want to run away from people, to his secluded hotel room. But when he was alone he wanted to run out and surround himself with people because the thought of being crushed by his own thoughts was far too scary. He tried pushing his thoughts away like he had done countless times and focused on what he was going to do today. The filming schedule included him, ziyu and Tian Xuning and he was kind of relieved that he wouldn't have to face him. Trying to get a grip on himself again, he took a deep breath to calm himself. He needed to be professional (as professional as Zhan Xuan was being). He muttered "today is going to be a good day". It did make him feel better and he almost believed it for 5 whole seconds before that feeling went away. "Enough" he told himself, took a deep breath again and turned the door knob to face the day.