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at first it was so small you would not notice it; as always it is small at the beginning until the harsh moment you realise it has grown and your breath almost fails beside him.
“are you sure?” seonghyeon asks, holding his friend’s hand. yonghoon twists his face a little, like he is not even sure if he wants to be sure.
“yeah,” he says anyway. “isn’t it embarrassing?”
“no. why would it be?”
“i mean… like… does he even like boys? even so, could he even like me?”
seonghyeon smiles. “it doesn’t look like he doesn’t like you.”
“what do you mean?” yonghoon asks, unsure.
“he is fine with everyone. he smiles at everyone. but he smiles most with you.”
“stop,” yonghoon says. he had never expected that the things he felt one day would come with so much shame, but the possibility that wonbin might like him back pulls up feelings he has not felt in twenty years and it doesn’t let him go back. “i’m sure it’s nothing.”
seonghyeon shakes his head like he doesn’t agree. “don’t be so sure that it's nothing.”
yonghoon smiles like an idiot, feels like one too. maybe wonbin is living his life without knowing any of this and maybe yonghoon is the kind of loser who replays every minute they spent together trying to catch the tiniest clue.
the first clue was that they had stopped using the word friend for each other. when they first met wonbin used to call him my friend, once he even called him his brother that had made yonghoon wanting to scream.
but for a week now they had not talked like that anymore, their tone had become less friendly.
still, he cannot find his confidence. he feels small. he thinks there are boys his age, boys who are sexier, prettier, more handsome. the thought of wonbin not loving him is enough to erase the fragile confidence he built through idol life.
it is ridiculous, because until now he is the kind of person who walks into a room and assumes he is the most handsome one there, who trusts himself without effort, but wonbin takes that confidence into his hands and crushes it until it bleeds, as if everything depends on his approval, as if yonghoon only exists when wonbin is looking at him.
yonghoon is not the kind of person who loses control. quiet, calm, confident, untouchable, that is the yonghoon people see, the version of him that holds everything together no matter the chaos. but lately chaos has a name and a face and a very pretty smile that makes yonghoon’s heart ache every time he sees it. it is wonbin.
and wonbin is not making it easy.
he laughs too loud, touches too much, leans too close, especially when minjae is around. yonghoon sits there, silent and unmoving, watching the way wonbin throws an arm around minjae’s shoulders, whispers something into his ear, watches minjae tilt his head back with laughter.
it should not bother him. they are teammates. they are friends. this is normal.
but it does bother him.
but there was one thing yonghoon didn’t know. love, surprisingly, isn’t as negative as life, and it usually doesn’t care where you stand. it is just the right things at the right time. it does not look at someone and count one years less or whether he is more likely or better. it simply chooses and leaves nothing behind. even when there are better ones it keeps healing you with nothing more than the word good, repeated again and again in that one person.
the second clue came during a late practice when they were working on a song and the room had emptied until only the two of them were left; wonbin had waited for yonghoon and for the first time had called him baby. it was a small, sweet pet name, something you would not overthink.
“i still mess up,” yonghoon complained as he dropped himself onto the cold floor. “this choreography is the hardest thing in the world.”
wonbin laughed and sat down beside him. “it’s okay baby, we’ll fix it.” the baby sounded like nothing and he said it without even looking at yonghoon and for a second when yonghoon met his eyes the word answered him. “we’ll fix it,” yonghoon echoed, smiling like an idiot and feeling like one again.
the third clue happened just before sleep. it was wonbin’s first time coming into yonghoon’s room. yonghoon smiled when he saw him. “i missed you,” he said as they sat on the bed.
“me too yonghoon. what is that, are we falling in love or what?” he joked and then moved the conversation to the next day’s performance and left yonghoon with that sentence.
but yonghoon remembers everything wonbin said, which was strange because until then he had complained about low b12 and even friends remembered his things better so it felt odd that every sentence wonbin spoke kept circling in yonghoon’s head and everything felt slow. like if someone made the first move it would ruin everything, but also like no one would ever make the first move.
yonghoon lets out a big sigh when he sees minjae and wonbin together again. he came to see wonbin but now he feels insecure and looks at seonghyeon beside him who understands with a glance. minjae seems careless in the way he touches wonbin and probably says whatever he wants.
seonghyeon notices how tightly yonghoon is squeezing his hand and gently presses his fingers to warn him, and only then does yonghoon realize his palms are red.
then he feels wonbin looking his way and his breath catches.
minjae is right there but he still looks at me. he still walks toward me.
“yonghoon,” wonbin says, “i’m so nervous today.” he stands beside him, looking like he has no plan to leave.
yonghoon is stressed about the kcon too but for the first time in twenty years it is not the work that makes his chest tight. he has a better reason now named park wonbin.
“come on, wonbin, we’ll do fine together. don’t worry. we worked so much. and you’re always good anyway,” yonghoon wants to beg. please understand. please understand how much i like you. even when i don’t say it. especially when i don’t say it. can’t you just understand? can’t you just get it from the way i don’t look at anyone like i look at you? that i’m always calm and collected and fine and when it comes to you i dont even know where to put my hands, what do to with myself? can’t you see what you are doing to me? can’t you get that you have ton of friends and none of them is looking at you like i do to you? can’t you get the damn difference? can’t you stop my shaking hands a little? can’t you like me back? i don’t bow down to anyone but i can for you it if means for you to like me back, even a little.
“stop, you’re embarrassing me,” wonbin says and offers that smile yonghoon has learned to love, “you deserve it. we will do fine.” yonghoon touches wonbin’s shoulder slowly to steady him and wonbin lays his hand on yonghoon’s arm.
“promise?” wonbin asks.
“promise.”
the concert goes well and yonghoon feels good. alongside the fans wonbin praises him too and yonghoon lets himself feel confident again.
and the fourth hint comes that night. when they are on the bus going back from filming for content.
yonghoon and wonbin sit next to each other. wonbin takes his earphones. “play something for us,” he says, and in that moment yonghoon looks at his playlist. he wants to play something that feels like him. something about love. he knows it too well these days.
when the song plays wonbin smiles and says he likes it too. while they listen there is a silence between them and they look out the window. that is when yonghoon feels it, the weight on his leg. wonbin is touching him. it is slow and too much. he feels every hormone in his body rush awake and he wants more from that hand. he wants it on his neck while they kiss. he wants it around his waist. he wants him everywhere, but right now it is on his leg and pressing too much.
yonghoon tries not to move. both of them just look outside as if nothing is happening. he feels like he is suddenly a professional at pretending and it is hard when it feels like everything is happening. all the things he has not felt in twenty years are rising inside him and he cannot say a word. everything is stuck in his mouth the same way wonbin’s hand is stuck on his leg and every want is trapped in that hand that never moves to his neck, never pulls him close. everything feels blocked.
again he feels small. why would wonbin choose him. why should a touch be more than a touch. why should every baby he says and every joke that flirts sound like something more. yonghoon thinks he has no reason to believe it is more but he realizes there is no reason it cannot be either.
the fifth hint feels like the real one. after watching a movie with the group wonbin comes to him and it feels like the world is just the two of them.
“would you be like the main character,” he asks. the “like” means not giving up on your love even after years. “yeah i think so,” yonghoon says. “i think if you feel something it’s worth trying.”
“hmm?” wonbin says. he smiles like everything yonghoon says pleases him. “what about you?” yonghoon asks, his heart beating fast.
“i think the same as you,” wonbin says. “have you ever felt it though?”
“i don’t know,” yonghoon answers. for the first time it feels real. for the first time he feels like the subject of his own life.
“don’t know? i’m sure if you felt it you’d know,” wonbin says, taking some popcorn.
“so you have felt it?”
“i don’t know.”
yonghoon fakes a smile.
another night they drink as a big group and for the first time yonghoon feels his head go this blurry. well, minjae not leaving wonbin’s side even for a second does not help either.
he has never been drunk before but he knows this is the first time because even blinking feels like it takes strength. still his brain, even in this haze, hears wonbin’s voice clear.
“yonghoon, slow down,” wonbin says, his hand around yonghoon’s wrist. “don’t you think you drank too much?”
the room feels like it quiets. minjae must have died, he thinks, if wonbin is finally noticing him.
“what are you gonna do?” yonghoon says. he does not think much because he cannot.
“i’m going to take care of you,” wonbin says, his hand tighter around his wrist.
“why? you can find someone else to take care of, wonbin. leave me alone now.”
“you get dramatic when you’re drunk,” wonbin says with a smile, and yonghoon doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or the love but wonbin looks impossibly beautiful.
“did minjae get drunk too?” yonghoon asks. he knows what he is saying but pretends like he does not. he can always say i was drunk.
“no.”
“or else you’d be with him,” yonghoon says, and his head spins as he leans closer to wonbin and wraps his arms around his neck. “wonbiiin, i think i’m really drunk,” he confesses.
“you are cute,” wonbin says and everything feels delicate. his neck, his voice. drunk it feels a thousand times more real and possible and beautiful. “let’s wash your face, okay,” he lifts yonghoon from his seat and that is when yonghoon feels his hand on his waist.
the hallway to the bathroom feels empty and yonghoon suddenly stops. “wonbin, i need to tell you something.” he pulls away from wonbin’s arms and leans against the wall. like he has to be physically further to say something closer. “feels like there won’t be a better time for this.”
wonbin steps toward him. “yes?” he asks and in the dark yonghoon cannot see much but he feels his eyes on him.
“but promise you won’t hate me.”
“why would i hate you?”
yonghoon rolls his eyes. “wonbin,” he murmurs, pulling him a little closer. “put your hand on my waist again.” only drunk requests sound this normal and only drunk he can say them out loud.
he feels wonbin laugh, then he feels his hand again on his skin. “like this?” wonbin whispers. “is this how you want me to touch you yonghoon?” his breath hits yonghoon’s face because he is even closer now.
yonghoon feels like wonbin has taken control of his breath and nerves. “more,” he says, wrapping his arms around wonbin’s neck.
wonbin’s hands slide slowly up his waist. under his shirt and across his stomach. yonghoon lets out a sound that is not small.
“more than this?” wonbin asks and yonghoon feels like he might cry.
“please,” he says, and wonbin presses his leg between his and leans closer so he can touch him easier.
his hand wanders on his back. slow but burning. slow like everything that brought them here. yonghoon rests his head against the wall, closes his eyes, and bites his lips.
“you are so beautiful,” wonbin whispers into his ear. yonghoon bites back a moan but a curse slips out instead, which makes wonbin laugh out loud.
then suddenly the touch steadies. yonghoon opens his eyes and sees wonbin looking at him.
for the first time he feels brave. he no longer feels small or like he is chasing clues. he feels like he can.
he touches wonbin’s face and knows there is no better choice and kisses him.
nothing he fears happens because wonbin responds as if he expected it. their lips meet wet and slow.
wonbin’s tongue pushes into his mouth and yonghoon feels shot through the head, but still strong enough to keep kissing him. wonbin holds his jaw, fixing the angle so he can kiss him better. he swallows every sound yonghoon makes.
they rest their foreheads together. “don’t tell me this is just because you’re drunk,” wonbin says, his voice low as if it is only for yonghoon.
“every sober minute i think of this too,” yonghoon says, laughs and kisses him again.
thoughts of minjae and everyone he was jealous of come but it makes him smile because right now he could kiss anyone anywhere, love anyone, and yet wonbin’s lips are on his tonight, and this first kiss is not the last.
yonghoon enters his room, he pushes wonbin against the wall, his vision blurring under the influence of alcohol, swallows the saliva that has been pooling in his throat for minutes, his hand trembling slightly at wonbin’s touch.
“wonbin, don’t you think… this is… does it make sense?”
“i don’t think it does.” wonbin breathes, his grip on his hands never looses, yonghoon slowly losing himself with the pressure.
he feels wonbin’s hand in his arm now, (he would always cares it like that, slow and like he wants to comfort him, now it is opposite) his hands feels like it’s in yonghoon throat, hard enough to move but never fully cuts of his air, unbearable.
yonghoon knows he can’t move with permission, wonbin looks so delicious like that, and also so easy. he brush his lips into his before he kisses them. wonbin’s hands travels to his collarbone, tongue in his lips now.
“you like it?” wonbin licks his mouth kissing, it’s funny how he asks but doesn’t wait for his answers. he can tell by yonghoon’s fingers tightening in his tshirt, another’s in his hair strands, he can tell how impatient he is with kissing, like he knows this won’t end with just a sweet shared kisses exchanges.
he bites yonghoon’s lower lip. yonghoon is not proud of the sound that escapes from his mouth, layering bare him with how desperate he is.
“sorry,” wonbin still says, even though he is not.
yonghoon always ate without ever feeling full. now he hands in his chest, tongue in his mouth, and maybe a mouth he can get into.
“you touch me too much,” wonbin breathes, right where yonghoon loses his. “like you want to fuck me.”
a couple of fireworks begins and ends to sparkle in yonghoon’s mind, his words make him moan without his permission. “do you?” wonbin looks at him, fingers in his chin, never giving him any space to look at but his eyes, his eyes that burns with the want, like it’s darkening and darkening.
yonghoon closes his eyes for a millisecond because with the way wonbin looks at doesn’t allow words to come out properly. “yes,” he murmurs, feels wonbin’s tremulus breathes, feels how turn out he is.
“turn around,” he says, turning wonbin so that his face is against the cold wall. wonbin gasps and lets out a whiny sound. yonghoon slides his fingers into wonbin's mouth to stifle the noise, and wonbin sucks on them.
“good boy,” yonghoon whispers in his ear.
first, he slowly pulls down wonbin’s pants; the sight in front of him makes his mouth water. he grabs wonbin’s ass, drops to his knees, buries his face in it, inserts a finger into his hole, and licks there.
then he stands up, pulling his own pants down to knee level. “how long has it been?” he asks, tightening his grip on wonbin's throat from behind.
“how long what?”
“how long have you liked me without me knowing?”
“you’re asking this right when you’re about to fuck me?” wonbin whines, and yonghoon’s hand tightens more around his throat. “you’ve been fucking with my head. for months. i think i deserve an answer.”
“for a while. yonghoon—please. fuck me already.”
yonghoon’s smile now has more evil in it, he hadn't thought he could love wonbin more when he begged, but he does.
“you are so eager. eager puppy,” he says, pushing his cock into wonbin’s entrance. wonbin feels tight. “you’re clenching so much. relax,” yonghoon murmurs in his ear.
wonbin bites his lip, muttering, "big, you're big."
yonghoon’s lips curl again. he is enjoying this so so much. “you like it?”
wonbin nods frantically, like he's lost his mind. "it's exactly what you deserve," yonghoon says, fucking wonbin hard while playing with his nipples under his shirt, pinching them. he wants every reaction wonbin can give. “you’re taking it so well. hm? how will you live without my dick now?”
“are you going to leave me without it?”
"shameless, wonbin. my shameless wonbin. even though you only admitted you liked me-" yonghoon's voice grows hoarse as he thrusts harder, "…ten minutes ago, look at you begging now."
wonbin is almost crying. “it’s what you reduce me to.”
yonghoon feels like these are his final thrusts; he pulls wonbin closer by the waist, to feel being completely inside him. “i’m close,” he warns, feeling the warmth, and releases everything he’s held in for months—the mess—right there. he shoots his cum into wonbin’s thighs, on his waist and his back. the most beautiful sight in the world.
he turns wonbin around and kisses him, squeezing his cheeks to pull him closer, their naked bodies crashing together as he pushes his tongue deeper. he could kiss him until he bleeds. and even after that.
and the thing about clues is that they are supposed to help you find the right place. after that they stop being clues. and you stop needing them. you are already where you are meant to be.
yonghoon is where he is meant to be.