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The knock on the door every morning was her wake up call. It was the unwelcome start to each new day. Everyday was the same.
Wake up.
Break furniture.
Yell.
Stare out the window.
Eat.
Sleep.
Her thoughts came slowly to her over the expanse of the day sitting on her bed or staring blankly out the window. Her brain was languid like the mush she was served with each breakfast. Maybe it was the silent stone’s weight pushing down on her and her abilities. Or maybe it was the seemingly infinite days of doing the same shit over and over again.
Repetition was something that came easy to Mare. She had lived by the constant lull of waking up, going about her days, and stealing for her family.
But this wasn’t repetition. This was a cage.
She was locked away- punished like some child. She was trapped. Watched. Taken away from everyone: The Guard, her family, Kilorn, Cal- no one could reach her now. No one would reach her now. Maven would make sure of that. Even if he never talked to her again, she’d never see the Newbloods or her family again. There would be no more quips from Kilorn. And no more Cal.
The other brother.
The brother that was never supposed to become more.
He was not the prince she was promised to, and yet he was a fire she couldn’t quell burning within her.
The night he spun her around the ballroom had changed something between them. But maybe something had changed long before that? Had it been when she first tried to steal from him? When he got her a job at the palace before Queenstrial?
Or maybe it was after everything? After his brother’s betrayal and following them? After killing all the Newbloods and leaving her with a trail of notes to manipulate her? After torturing and marking her like some kind of livestock?
Cal was something to her now. Her confidant. The warm rays of the sun as it crested over the horizon. To her, he was more than the banished crowned prince.
She could still feel the brush of his lips against hers. A whisper of a memory so far out of reach. Tears burned her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. She welcomed the burn. The pain. It was a break from the numbness. From the complacency she was forced into.
The leash.
The cage.
The perfect little Newblood pet.
The bastard had set up four guards to relentlessly watch her. There wasn’t a time that she spent alone. No reprieve welcomed her. No new sense of urgency or excitement. Did Maven really intend for her to just rot in her? To die? To submit to his will?
No.
She was the lightning girl. More than that, she was Mare Barrow. The Newblood that would turn the tide on this whole damn war. The girl that would stand up for the reds, the Newbloods, and everyone the Silvers pressed under their thumbs.
She would not break. She would not rot.
But the minutes were long and hours turned into days. Two days became four. And four became seven. By the second week Mare could only stare numbly out the window.
Sleep was hard to come by at first. Mare had anticipated the guards to come in while she slept. She expected to have to defend herself.
But the fight never came. Her rescue never came. He never came.
Waking up from the reprieve of sleep was almost worse than the echoing burn on her collarbone. The mark that claimed her as Maven’s.
Would death come to her? Was this how she would die? Alone? Surrounded by silent stone? Maybe she’d finally be reunited with Shade. It was the only fleeting thing Mare could imagine beyond the four walls of her room. She didn’t let herself remember his death. She couldn’t stand the screams that followed.
That night, Mare didn’t remember closing her eyes before she collapsed onto her bed. But when she awoke it was morning. The sun streamed through the window, lighting up the room. But there was something…wrong. There hadn’t been a knock so the guards hadn’t come into her room with breakfast.
From her position lying on the bed she glanced around the small room. This was her room. The same bed. The same window. The same bookshelf full of books she tried to read when she was first captured. The room she’s been locked in for the past three weeks, hadn’t changed.
A deep inhale of breath stopped her heart and she realized too late that she wasn’t alone. Her body stiffened immediately and ever so slowly, she rolled onto her back. Fear tightened its hold on her neck and she could almost feel the leash tightening with each passing second. Turning her head, she blinked wearily as the large frame beside her came into focus.
His body beside her, but not close enough to touch. His warmth, coming off of him in waves. His breathing, sending her heart breaking as it did when he betrayed her when the Scarlet Guard attempted to seize the palace. The heat-the mere image of him was an ache in her chest so strong she could hardly breathe.
The relaxed expression on his sleeping face was a juxtaposition to her concoction of churning emotions. His black hair was tousled, strands fanning around her pillow. His exposed chest rose and fell with steady breaths. If she didn’t know any better she would’ve thought the last two weeks were some sick nightmare. That this- him, the bed they shared so far from the confines of the palace, was real.
But it wasn’t. This wasn’t the Notch. And this wasn’t Cal.
That didn’t stop her from reaching out to touch him, because he couldn't be here. He couldn’t be real.
Her hand paused a hair's breath from his cheek, from a strand of hair she could so easily brush away with her fingers.
Mare could hear the red blood in her ears. She was terrified it would all be over if she gave in. She had fought for so long. She held on while Maven paraded her and kept her on a leash. She sat by as he forced pretty speeches out of her mouth.
Mare couldn’t bear to see the man she fought so hard to ignore her complex feelings for disappear with the last dregs of sleep. There was so much space between them. So much that she had wished she could have done or said back at the Notch before they were captured.
She wanted to run her hands through his hair again. To ease away the worry from his face. Their connection was so complex, so overwhelming and like anything she’d ever experienced. To see those green eyes staring at her, seeing her, knowing her.
That would be her death wish. Maybe Shade believed something similar. Had he too dreamt before death?
“Mare.” A gruff groan echoed through every bone of her body.
She released a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. It was like a dagger twisting through her heart. His body curled near hers like it always did. Mare was so aware of him in the bed. Like he was really there. She was drawn like a moth to a flame and couldn’t look away. Couldn’t turn over and wish for some other dream.
They weren’t touching. She couldn’t risk the idea of breaking this facade where Cal was once again lying with her in bed. But he was reaching for her. The corded muscle of his arms so close to pulling her to him, shielding her with his body, into the warmth of him, as he always did.
Her body shuttered, breath caught in her throat. If he touched her it would all end. This visage of him would vanish. This would be the last thing she would see because she was clearly about to die.
But she didn’t.
When his calloused fingers slid along her arm his fingers didn’t burn her. It sparkled life within her. She felt warm. She was breathing. And he was pulling her to him, encasing her in a blanket of him. His scent. His presence. Him.
She choked on a sob. His breathing shifted. A sudden rise and then lull as he took in a long inhale, burrowing his face into the mess of her hair.
“Mare.” Cal mumbled, breathing her in.
Warm hands encased her arms, encircling around her back. Her breathing was erratic at the touch. She fought for breath, his intoxicating scent everywhere around her.
“Are you crying? Hey, what’s wrong?” His gruff voice was ladened with sleep above her and the familiarity of it only made her cry harder.
After so many weeks of nothing. This would kill her. This dream would be what truly broke her if she gave in.
“You’re not real.” Her voice was small, mumbled through gasps of breath.
“What? Of course I’m real.”
He made to pull back and look at her, but Mare stopped him, hands reaching around him to hold his arms in place. He was stiff, his heart beating fast under her touch.
“No.” She shook her head against his bare chest. Hands roamed across his shoulder blades and down the lines of his back before encircling around his waist. She searched, tired to find something that could prove it. That could show her it was all a dream. “No-no. You can’t be real.”
“Mare, I’m real. I’m here.”
She felt his words reverberate through his chest. Whatever control she might’ve held gave way as tears prickled in her eyes.
“No, you’re not!” She sobbed, and he pulled back slightly before she could stop him.
A hand moved to her neck, lifting her head to meet his eyes. Mare nearly crumbled at the sight of familiar dark eyes staring down at her with so much open emotion. In their depths was a reflection of her soul. Pain. Regret. Longing.
“I’m right here.” He whispered into the space between them.
The other hand not holding her neck flexed over her back, forming comforting circled around her back.
Her gaze drifted from his to the stubble growing near his mouth, to the hair falling near his eyes. Cal looked like he had aged several months, but maybe that was the way she dreamt of him? Was this how she hoped he would look at her when she saw him again?
Mare shook her head. She couldn’t give in. It would be too much to let it all fall away now. It felt like giving up to just let herself break.
But maybe that’s what she needed. Maybe she needed to break in order to reform?
Fingers moved up from her neck, tracing over the line of her jaw. He watched as his thumb ran over her lower lip. Breath stilled at the touch, her heart was pounding in her chest. It was only when his thumb moved to the corner of her mouth that she could suck in a shaky gulp of air.
She promised herself she’d never break at Maven's hand, but this wasn’t Maven. This was Cal.
“I’m sorry for everything I said. I was just so hurt. After the Corros Prison-after Shade…” She choked.
Thumb moving to caress her cheek, Cal shook his head. “That’s never something you have to apologize to me for.”
Her hold around him tightened, fingers pressing into the naked expanse of his back.
“I want to forget all of this. Please.” She whispered.
His eyes softened, understanding pulling his lips into a gentle smile.
Too slowly he leaned towards her, but she met him halfway. The press of her lips was hard against his. A begging, pleading to just let go and give in echoed through every beat of her heart.
Cal pushed back just as fiercely, rolling over her. He leaned above her, one hand cradling her neck so tenderly as the other pulled her to him.
Mare gasped for breath and he seized the opportunity to claim her mouth. Cal moved her jaw just how he needed, his touch sending pricks of energy against her skin.
She needed more.
She had him memorized and it was like reacquainting herself with him as her fingers skimmed across the planes of muscle on his back. His body shivered under her touch, the hand on her back moving to grip her waist as he pressed his body against her and she smirked against his mouth.
As if in retribution, the hand at her jaw ghosted slowly across the column of her throat, and down the side of her breast. A satisfied gasp fell from her lips at the sensation and Cal groaned, holding tightly to her waist with the other hand.
Tonight. She would give herself this. Mare would allow herself to feel the warmth of him again. To escape in the release of his presence and touch.
It was electrifying in the way his body molded perfectly, protectively against hers. The sparks he sent coursing through her blood almost made her believe that her powers had returned.
To his credit, he’d never feared her powers. He liked the sparks. He encouraged her urgency and training. They both knew there were sparks and fire between them. It was just a matter of time until that fire was kindled.
Sated and tangled with his body, Mare breathed him in again. She let his scent spark a newfound hope within her.
Mare let herself fall back into sleep. When she awoke Cal was gone, no sign that he’d ever been there in the first place.
Maven wouldn’t be the reason she broke. The emptiness would not last. He’d come to parade her around soon enough and when he did she’d be waiting.
There would be no more letting things happen to her.