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Victoria hated crying. It was a sign of weakness, like she needed someone to help her and take care of her. To tell her everything was okay. She’d keep it in, force herself to hold it. To save it for when she was well and truly alone. And then she met Cassie.
The first time she cried in front of Cassie was in her kitchen. They’d been an unlabelled thing-slash-item for maybe two weeks or so. Victoria was used to being in her apartment, she’d been there plenty when she was just the babysitter, and when they were in that awkward “trying-to-deny-they-felt-anything-about-each-other” phase.
“Baby?” Cassie called out from somewhere else in the small apartment, probably in her room. Victoria remembered her saying she was grabbing something. “Are you almost done with the onions?”
“Almost, Cass.” Victoria yelled back. She was cutting onions, dicing them more specifically. They were making pasta, and Victoria was preparing the sauce, a pretty standard bolognese recipe. Victoria didn’t really… cook, at all, at home. So Cassie’d been teaching her. And all in all, it was going pretty well.
She diced the final onion, using her knife to shove it into the bowl she’d been using, when the sound of Cassie’s footsteps rang out behind her. Victoria placed the knife on the counter and turned around to watch her approach, a smile crawling onto her lips out of pure force of instinct.
“Don’t cry, baby.” Cassie said. Victoria was confused as to what she meant, until she felt the tears that’d been welling up in her eyes—the result of being too attentive while cutting onions. She moved her hand to wipe the tears from her eyes, but Cassie was faster, bracing a hand on her cheek as she wiped them away with her thumb. “You wash your hands?” Cassie raised an eyebrow.
“Nope.”
“Then that would’ve only made it worse, silly.” Cassie chuckled, placing her free hand on Victoria’s hips. Victoria relaxed into her touch, let Cassie lean her head in close, noses almost touching. Cassie levied a sincere smile. “You know it’s fine if you were just crying, right?”
Victoria raised an eyebrow. “Are you teasing me?”
“No.” Cassie spoke with curt tone, quick to shut down Victoria’s doubt. “I’m just sayin’, I want you to feel safe to cry around me. Because I wanna be there to help, to cheer you up.”
“It was just the onions.”
“It was just the onions this time.” Cassie countered. “Just… you know. I love you. And I don’t want you to think I’d judge you for crying.”
“You’re intense, Cass. You know that?”
Cassie just chuckled, rolling her eyes before leaving a peck on the tip of Victoria’s nose. Victoria’s smile deepened. “Alright, let’s do the tomatoes, now.”
The second time was about half a year into their relationship, once again in Cassie’s kitchen. It’d been a long day in the ER, one that turned into a late Friday night. Victoria was “staying over at Trinity’s and Whitaker’s to study”, which meant staying the night at Cassie’s. Victoria still hadn’t told her mom about them… and she certainly wasn’t planning on it any time soon.
Victoria was in the kitchen alone, Cassie laid out on the couch trying to tough her way through a buzzing headache, throbbing at the front of her brain. Victoria’d been tasked with cooking them “dinner” (two omelettes) and making coffee for Cassie. Cassie knew it’d just make her sleep worse (especially when they’d fall asleep on the couch in each other’s arms), Victoria’d told her that ad nauseam. But she needed something, and caffeine tended to shake her out of funks like this.
Victoria turned the stove off, picking up two omelette-covered in one hand and Cassie’s coffee mug in the other. Cassie heard her approach the living space, sitting up in the couch just in time to let Victoria sit down on the empty space next to her.
“Smells great.” Cassie mumbled, taking one of the plates from Victoria’s grasp as she sat down. Victoria just chuckled, handing Cassie her utensils as she rolled her eyes.
“They’re eggs, Cass. It’s hard to mess up.”
“Just take the compliment, doll.” Cassie responded, before they both started digging into their bare bones dinner.
A long shift at the ER had the occasional tendency to kill your appetite, even for seasoned residents like Cassie. That’s why they’d settled for omelettes in the first place. But as they ate, Cassie noticed something else in Victoria’s demeanour. It wasn’t just loss of appetite, no. Her mind was somewhere else, something she couldn’t shake.
Cassie could always tell, of course. The way Victoria’s laughs came less sure, the way she pursed her lips as she prodded at her food. She had to ask, not out of duty but out of instinct. Instinct to make sure Victoria was okay.
“Honey?” Cassie placed her plate on the living room table before nudging Victoria’s shoulder, and Victoria looked her way with those doe eyes pulled wide open. “You okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Victoria mumbled the non-answer out like it settled Cassie’s doubts, already turning her gaze back to the TV.
“Victoria.”
Her tone was stern enough to force Victoria to look back.
“Tell me what’s wrong, please.” Cassie asked, reaching for Victoria’s hand. Victoria took her hand and sighed.
“Before we, uh, left work, my mom called me up from surgery.”
“What did she say?”
“Just the same, stupid shit she always says…” Victoria trailed off, it was hurting her to recount the words her mother had spoken. Sniffles came out, but tears were steadfast behind the dam of Victoria’s tear ducts. Not ready to show themselves. Not yet.
“Don’t hold back, baby.” Cassie reassured her, lips curling into that smile that softened Victoria out, that broke down her walls without a word. And the message was received, small tears rolling trails down her cheeks as she collapsed forward into Cassie, letting her girlfriend embrace her in a tight hug. She wasn’t sobbing, but she was letting the tears go that she’d been holding inside for hours. That she needed to let go. Cassie just rubbed her back, listened to her as she rambled through the slow tears.
“It’s just… always straight into the critique, into the comments…” Victoria mumbled into the crook of Cassie’s neck. “She never asks me how I’m doing? If I-if I even like it here!”
“There you go, honey. Let it all out. It’s fine.” Cassie whispered reassurances into her ear, closing her own eyes so she could focus on nothing but Victoria’s words. On her worries, on what was making her sad.
“I just… what do I have to do, Cass? To make her care, at all?”
“She cares, baby. I swear, she does.” Victoria let out some kind of noise that meant disagreement, and Cassie couldn’t help but chuckle. “You just want me to placate you?”
“Please…” Victoria whined, burrowing her face deeper into Cassie’s neck.
“Alright, doll.” Cassie rubbed a circle along her back. “I agree, your mom really sucks.”
“She does…”