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Why do you do this to me?
Why do you have to remind me of what I am not?
How can you endure what I’ve put you through?
Deku?
How do you ignore it?
How do you move on so easily? What’s your secret?
Please, tell me.
I find myself often thinking. What middle school was like. For me I still remember it like yesterday, I was happy. People praised me. Inflated who I was. Saw my quirk, never saw me. Saw my power, what I could be. Never who I was. Except you. You saw me for me and stood as a constant all the time. That infuriated me, my past does not define me, I should know. So why does it? Your mere existence in my present hurts me sometimes. I know what I did, I’ve been forced to look back on it. I’m grateful that I did.
Did my words not hurt? Did my burns not blister? Were you not scared? Afraid? Terrified? like I am all the time? Does it not hurt? If it doesn’t then why the tears? Why not rage at me? Fight back. Hurt me. Tell me what you know I am. Strip me down to bone like I did to you.
I’m not blind. I know what I did.
I’m prideful. Sure. That was my downfall. Since we started our hero academia. Middle school taught me much. But never enough. Always told to ‘be proud Katsuki’. Always told ‘with a quirk like that you’ll be a top pro hero, no doubt’. Always told that I will be the best. That I will come out atop. That I should expect nothing less. That I should leave no room for doubt.
Is this pressure? Is it pride? What’s the price I have to pay? What was the price of yours?
What price did you pay to survive? To thrive after at our next school?
Do you take all the things I said to heart? All the stuff I rue to say; quirkless, weak, nerd, useless. Deku.
…Take a swan dive off the roof.
Do you think you would’ve listened to that? Did my actions that day change something inside you? I remember it all the same. I hated you, sure, but even I realised I didn’t mean what I had said. Sure, words have depth. Emphasis and actions prove that. That notebook. My explosions.
Did you go to a different roof?
Or did I wait at the wrong one?
Did you save that notebook? Salvage it? Preserve what was left of you? Did I make you hollow? I know I destroyed all that kept you sane in that school. Did you actually try, then survive, and I was stupid enough to wait at the wrong rooftop? Were you trying to fool me? Why did you try to save me that day?
Suffocated, I was, bound by a villain all encompassing. Holding me hostage, forcing me to be his vessel. Explosion after explosion as he forced himself into my body. Forced himself to inhabitate my being with no choice. Where was my autonomy? My family? My dreams? What would’ve happened if he succeeded?
Would I have died with his suffocation? Leaving no room to breathe and why was it you? Why didn’t you run? Leave me, go away. Please. Don’t make me beg. Don’t die at the hands of a villain just to save me. I don’t deserve it. I never did. Not when a few short hours ago I told you to end it all yourself. Don't save your villain from another. So.
Why did you?
You ran in, tears streaming, drowning your face. Those freckles. Viridian eyes shaking as you clawed for me. Clawed your way through slime to get to me. You did more than the pro heroes. Though I suppose I must admit.
That was heroic.
The same day, earlier forth, I watched as you picked up that notebook. From the pond and then watched as you waked away, downcast. I hear your muttering, I watch wherever you go. Never followed. Tabs kept, never really were updated. Some days I don’t ever know why. Maybe it’s because I feel I need to watch for you. Us as children playing hero’s and I’d always have to save you. Those fond memories seem so far away. Other times I think I feel it’s the only way I know I’m ahead. The only times I know I feel superior and that inflated ego only grows.
The price now paid for my pride.
‘Transaction successful Katsuki. Now go boast.’
Then. I remember everything else. I try to understand, put myself in your middle school shoes. What was life for you then as opposed to me? Being pushed and shoved, beaten and abused at every turn. Every corner you rounded was a fist aimed for you. Did you learn to avoid them? Did the excessive analysing you do help you somehow? Did abuse make you learn? Was caution your default? Do you remember those days? Do you hate what I did?
Do you hate me?
Do you think that I look back on middle school like I think you do? Do you look back on our past? What had become different. Change ever present in our relationship.
I look back now. Instead of happiness that I had once felt for those days, I feel inferiority. I feel scared. I never truly understood you did I? Who you were and who I was. Our fight that one night in ground beta solidified everything for me. Saving you from yourself only strengthened that.
I was scared of you. Of your heart. All those feelings, those tears, that smile. Jumping to help without ever thinking. The day at the river I think was when my outlooks changed. I slipped and fell, I was fine and yet you were there. Ever curious face and outstretched hand to help me up. I still don’t understand why I never took it.
Some days I still don't understand why I chose to hurt you. Watching as we grew up I knew my amnesty toward you only grew. Quirkless and yet you still jumped in to save someone, to help someone. That big heart somehow always finding space for someone else. Then middle school. How you still had managed to go will forever elude me. I look back and only ever see the abuse you were forced to face and yet you never backed away. I would throw you to the floor. Dominate your space. Those tears flowed and you sat and endured and still tried to fight back.
Seeing you at UA, I saw in you everything I was not. Sometimes it scared me. I forget I know you. I forget you no longer have limits or rules you follow. I forget we were once close. I forget that I could also hope to be everything you are if I tried like you. You hope to be yourself and me, my drive to win and yours to save combined in the heat of the moment.
How do I do it, Izuku? How do I hope to be the values you hold so close? How do I hope to catch up to you like that?
Sure I win, but, do I actually save?
How do I become empathetic like you? Kind, caring, generous, motivational. Happy. Like you? How do I hone my drive to win. To be victorious. Into something that ensures I save people like you do. I fight, I rescue, I help. Just like you do. So can I still catch up to you?
Even though I know I am now inferior to you.
Can I still catch up to you?
Can I still walk by your side?
Can you forgive me?
Can you help me?
Did I catch up to you?
Izuku?