Chapter Text
[A Photo of Shane and Ilya as they pose for a camera ahead, faces obscured from the camera, both in suits. It looks like a behind-the-scenes photo, with camera equipment and wires visible in the background.]
Caption: The Long Awaited Tell-All from the Power Couple of the NHL. Dropping this Saturday, 3pm EST.
That was how they decided to tease the release of something Ilya and Shane had been working on, with help from Harris and Farah, to set the story straight about them. And, to share in their love for each other in a way they never dreamed of doing just 2 years ago. Coincidentally - and by Harris' noticing - they set the date for the release on the 1st anniversary of their wedding. It felt poignant, and it was all set to go anyways, it just meant they had to wait an extra few weeks to post it.
Shane and Ilya thought it would be sweet for the first part to be just them talking together, before Harris acted as their interviewer for the more traditional interview parts of the story. It's an all digital interview for the site, so the transcript was posted alongside the recording itself.
There's a few moments of silence before either of them speak, rustling fabrics as they adjust the way they're both sitting - Shane more than Ilya, but it's indistinguishable on the recording.
Shane: This is weird, isn't it?
Ilya: Yes. Very. We may have to cut a lot of this.
Behind the recording device, behind the pages, Ilya's hand was on Shane's restless thigh, rubbing circles.
Shane: [Laughter], Probably. I don't know how to start this.
I: Maybe from where we started?
S: Whole truth and everything, right?
That was the promise they made between them when they'd pitched this to Farah. It was what they had never been able to say for over a decade, finally on their terms.
I: Yes. Everything.
Ilya was cracking a devilish smile, one that sent sparks down Shane's spine.
S: Well. Maybe not everything. I don't think anyone wants to hear about that.
I: [Laughter] I've seen what uh, people online say. There are definitely people who want to know all details.
Shane is bright red already and Ilya is giggling. Shane pauses the recording, head in his hands. "Ilya! Please, this is supposed to be romantic."
He shrugs in return, "I think is romantic. Is how we fell in love."
Shane cannot stop himself from smiling in return, placing his hand over Ilya's, grasping it lightly, "Maybe we can do that version later. For us."
"Good."
"Spare some of the details this time, please."
"For you, I will. If it was just me I would tell them all the things I love about you. This time, just some. Most, but some."
"Thank you, Ilya." And the recording was clicked back on.
S: Unlike what people keep speculating, we've been involved…
I: [Laughter].
S: Ilya.
I: Sorry- You tell me off for 'lovers' and you tell me we were 'involved'?
S: Yes? Anyways, it all started - as Ilya loves to insist-
I: Because it's the truth!
S: The year before our rookie season, 2009. [He pauses.] It's so long ago when you put it like that.
I: It is. We are old now. Isn't that great?
S: I've still got a lot of hockey left in me - don't start talking retirement.
I: Maybe for you. I cannot wait to have nothing to do but sit around and wait for you to get home.
There's a long pause in the recording - that they end up cutting in the final product - as Shane takes a deep breath, his eyes welling up. It's been a very emotional day for them both. They'd had this planned in the calendar for weeks, and now they were telling their story - on their terms. That was important for both of them. So much of their relationship was stolen by having to be secretive, having to hide - then they didn't even get to come out when they wanted to. As much as they are secretly both grateful looking back for the 'Biggest Hayden Pike Fuck-up Yet', it didn't erase the fact that people were trying to piece things together from segments, drawing conclusions about fights that never happened because of blurry screenshots of old games - accusations towards Rose about being a homewrecker. That pissed Shane off the most, she didn't deserve to be dragged into their mess, and he put out a statement immediately on all of his platforms clarifying that she didn't know he was gay while they were together, that neither he or she were cheating during the relationship - it was succinct, and cut off the media torrent of hate that was on her for no reason at all. If it was directed at him for supposedly cheating, or leading her on, he would have dealt with it in his own way - but Rose was too kind to him for him to sit back and let her answer for them both.
After Shane had collected himself, and Ilya was allowed to pepper him with kisses to get it out of his system, they started again.
S: It's annoying how sappy you get sometimes.
I: I am not young, annoying, asshole anymore.
S: You are still an asshole.
I: That's a baseless accusation, Hollander.
S: [Laughter] Where did you learn that? Was it from Haas?
He shrugs again, and Shane tries his best to stop the recording from getting too off-topic.
S: Maybe we should have gotten Harris in here for all of it, this just feels like a really shitty podcast.
I: I don't think so, I like this. But yes, on-topic is helpful. We were 'involved'-
Ilya does super overexaggerated air quotes, a goofy smile on his face, paired with a wink. Shane runs his tongue along his teeth while trying to hide how wide his smile had gotten.
I: - for 8 years before we actually put a word to it.
S: Then it was just a snowball from there, honestly.
I: The best snowball of my life - and I would know, I lived in two places where I saw a lot of-
S: Hey-
I: -Snow. Don't know what you were thinking. I am Russian, and I live in Canada.
Through gritted teeth and a tense jaw that's audible in his speech, Shane continues.
S: Thank you for the context, Ilya. Yeah, 8 years. That was such a weird time, it wasn't like we were going out of our way to see each other, not 8 years of weekly dates or anything like that.
I: [Laughter]. Ah no, no dates. Depends on what it means to them, but for us, no dates.
S: Even now, I'd say we don't go out that much. It's strange, for so long we were so terrified of being seen together-
I: Speak for yourself, sweetheart.
S: Right. I was scared, honestly. I was the most paranoid person for so long because of the very thing that got us caught-
I: You were scared of Hayden?
S: No. [Laughter] I'm not scared of Hayden. It's- [Laughter]. Not Hayden. Everything else. The media and people, I just prefer to be in my own space - it's nice.
I: For the record, I also like Shane's space.
As if struck by the realisation that he wasn't close enough, Ilya pauses the recording this time, moving his chair and his microphone - a little standing round thing - closer to Shane so their knees brushed next to each other. Neither of them were paying much attention to Harris' explanations of all the equipment. Shane because he was so stuck in his own head he could have been told the secrets of the universe and he wouldn't be able to recall a thing; and Ilya because he was trying to ascertain how he could best show off his love for his husband without a video camera to accompany the interview. Ilya thinks he said something about yetis and snowballs? Didn't matter. He takes the opportunity to check in, "You okay?"
Shane nods, "I am. I never believed that we would be able to do something like this - while still playing too."
"Is nice, to set it all out."
"Yeah." Shane cupped the side of Ilya's face now that they were closer, brushing a thumb over his cheekbone, it was obvious enough he was getting nostalgic, "We actually made it."
His husband nodded back to him, taking Shane's hand from his face to press kisses to his knuckles, holding it tight as the gold glint of his wedding ring shone back at him. "I don't know how much longer I can keep my promise if you keep saying all those beautiful words."
"Harris is going out to lunch with Troy before he comes here - he said he'd be here at 3?"
Ilya's eye flashed with mischief. Shane tried not too look to happy about it. "So... we have plenty of time."
"We do, after. These microphones are sensitive - not like..." Despite the memory being so long ago now, it still brought red to his cheeks. He cleared his throat, "Okay, you ready to sit still again?"
Ilya nodded back, sitting cartoonishly upright to prove his point. Shane looked to the little notepad where he'd made a list of a few topics, just in case his brain went completely blank.
S: Even though there's been a lot of speculation on what was on purpose and what wasn't - I do want to take credit for the foundation being part of us 'soft-launching'? Is that what that is?
I: Yes. You are much better at doing all the big thinking than I am.
Even through the recording, it was so clear how soft Ilya's voice was talking to him then.
S: Don't sell yourself short, you helped a lot.
I: I suggested marrying Sveta first-
S: Hey, it wasn't a bad plan, we didn't really know how much we liked each other then.
I: True, it was that night, wasn't it?
S: Hm?
I: When I told you I loved you.
There's a pause in the recording.
S: It was. I said it right back, to be clear.
I: Well. [Pause] The first time in English.
S: Wait, what?
Outside of the recording, Ilya was grinning, he'd been saving when to tell Shane exactly what he'd said on the call with him back in Russia, maybe when he'd learnt enough to piece it together without a one-to-one translation. This was better. They were telling the story of how they fell in love, and that was a massive part of it for Ilya.
I: I'd said it before, not in person- my last time in Russia I called you to distract myself from everything going on, what was it...
The words were seared into his mind, the high emotions of that whole trip making it all so vivid he could step into his own mind and smell the gasoline from the street alongside the fresh cold air of Moscow.
I: 'Ya khochu tol'ko tebya. I vsegda tol'ko tebya.', 'Ya tak sil'no tebya lyublyu i ne znayu, chto s ehtim delat'. I loved you so much then, I didn't know where to put it, how to deal with it, so I told you - hoping you hadn't been learning Russian behind my back.
Shane was stunned into silence, eyes watering. Ilya bit his lip nervously as he waited for Shane to say something, anything; He interlaced his fingers with his husband's, willing his breath to slow.
S: Holy shit.
I: [Quiet Laughter] Is what they want to know, yes?
S: Yeah- Yeah I think that's pretty important. [He sniffles] I didn't know, if that wasn't obvious.
I: You are very obvious to me.
S: That's because you can see me, Ilya.
I: Wouldn't have it any other way.
S: But, yeah, uh. After we figured out how we would be able to actually see each other when it wasn't just the 4 or so games per year, it all went so much quicker.
I: For me especially. New country, team, management - everything was different, but good. I'm happy I did it. Boston was... uh, very traditional hockey. We did win, but it was hard work. Ottawa, it is much more fun now than before. We lost a lot, but not anymore.
S: They just needed hope. They're good players, good people; but any one good player can't function without the rest of the structure being as strong - everyone in the room needs to be on the same page.
As Shane looked over, kicking himself off of the hockey thought-train, he saw Ilya, practically melting with devotion in his eyes, leaning his arm on the table to prop his head up.
I: If little Hollander knew he would be here now, he would have imploded.
S: Oh yeah, I was nowhere near ready to even accept that I wasn't going to end up like... like Hayden and Jacki. The concept of either way was terrifying, for very different reasons.
I: [Muffled Laughter]
S: Uh- What?
I: No, just imagining you surrounded by so many other little Hollanders. It is heart-warming and funny at the same time.
S: We should save some things for the individual interviews, probably.
I: I don't know if I could stop myself now-
S: Ilya, please.
I: You can say that again.
He was bright red. Of course.
S: [Sigh] I should ask Harris to cut that-
I: Nuh uh. Nope. Nothing bad about that, it stays in. Or, Harris picks.
S: Like he picked our first dance song?
I: Was very good song.
S: For the time. 'Diamonds' by Rihanna, if it wasn't out there somehow already.
I: I think your mom posted a video on Facebook - it might be out there.
S: It is?
I: That's how I have it saved on my phone.
S: Do we get nothing to ourselves?
I: For a long time it was only us, and that sucked. Now it is nice for people to see, no?
S: You're right.
I: I know I am.
S: Okay. Harris said we shouldn't go on for ages- we should stop it here.
I: Good idea. My brain hurts from all this thinking of the past...
S: Thank you, for all of this. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you.
I: I love you too.
Shane stopped the recording, a smile bright and wide on his face. Ilya immediately leant in to kiss him, dotting kisses on his cheek, his forehead, anywhere he could reach. "You did so well, moy solnyshko."
He was never good at taking compliments, and that still applies to this day. Shane just pouted, letting his husband kiss him as much as he liked. "Did Harris share the questions with you as well?"
"He did, but I'm not going to look at them - if you approved them then it's fine for me."
Shane huffs out a laugh, "They're good questions - Harris has done a good job with it all."
"I won't be, what was it you said, 'obscene'." Anything that Ilya could say to try and bring a smile to his husbands face is his top priority. "Only-"
"No exceptions."
Ilya pursed his lips, sentence dying on his tongue.
--
The spread of the next section was Shane's, starting with two professional photo of him in a suit, his longer hair styled to sit in a tousled way, in his signature resting pose apart from the angling of his head to show off his jawline. The second pose was similar, with Shane looking at the camera from over his shoulder, his natural pout making for a beautiful photo. Below was his personal interview with Harris, very conversational for this half.
H: Shane! Mr. Hollander himself - who I think needs no introduction to this audience but I'll do it anyways since some people like to forget. A 3x Stanley Cup winner with the Metros, Silver Olympic medallist, 2nd pick in his drafting year, one of the - if not the strongest player on the ice right now, co-founder of the Irina Foundation, how are you feeling?
S: Thank you Harris, I'm good. Nervous- but it's a mix of actual nerves and excitement, you know?
H: Definitely, thanks for letting me conduct this whole thing - it's nice to be a part of hockey history this way.
S: Yeah, but I mean this isn't for the NHL, it's for us, for the fans who pushed back against the bullshit statements about inclusion after the leak. We want to make something that speaks for us, from us. None of the sanitized stuff that's done for the sake of keeping people happy. We've spent a long time letting that dictate our lives. Too long.
H: I understand. I think you said to me once that you had planned to only come out after you retired, do you want to say anything on that?
S: I did - that was our first plan. 2016, on different teams, years of a built up rivalry that kept us both in the spotlight of the media... it seemed like the only way through without risking our careers. This was just after Scott Hunter brought his partner down when they won the cup that year...
H: Who could forget that?
S: I know! It was so brave of Scott, but he had the same pent-up need to express himself that Ilya and I had - he just knew that showing his love was more important than his career at that point. But yeah, me and Ilya wouldn't be in the place we are now without him - in more ways than breaking the stigma that all hockey players have to be straight.
H: How so, if you don't mind me asking?
S: I don't think we would have had the push to try make something of what we had without the hope that Scott brought to the NHL. We were both in very tough situations, but speaking for myself - I knew that I loved him then, but I also didn't think for a second that we could have built a relationship together because of how... fucked-up everything was. Especially since Ilya's family is Russian- it just didn't feel like something I was allowed to have if I wanted to keep playing.
H: Right. That's really sad.
S: [Soft Laughter] That's what my mom said after we told her we were going to wait. You've met her, she's more of a planner than I ever have been and I appreciate her so much - even if her first thought was how we could make it work with my sponsorships at the time.
H: Really?
S: Really. She finds out that I'm gay and she's immediately thinking of how to use it for branding.
H: That checks out.
S: It does - I love her for it, I want to make that clear. It's how she makes sure I'm taken care of, even if it seems constant.
H: Diverting slightly away from the past to more recent events, considering this is done with the foundation - what are you excited for in terms of the foundation's reach?
S: I really want to start running things on a bigger scale that don't need us to be there, like I know I've talked to some of the coaches we get in for the summer school and they've said they feel confident enough to head their own sub-team of coaches. We might trial that this year and see how it goes - and if it's successful I don't see any reason to stop. Not to say Ilya or I will step down from the Ottawa and Montreal camps, we plan those specifically so we can do both together - I don't see that changing. I do want to give more kids the opportunity more than I want to run 10 camps back to back around Canada, that might be a little much.
H: That sounds great! I know Troy visited in for a couple days this year and he loved it - any opportunity to spread the good word of hockey is one that he'd take.
S: Definitely. I can't wait for the summer, it's going to be fun.
Similarly to Shane, Ilya's section was fronted by two professional style photos, Ilya's cold stare piercing through the camera as he flashed his golden watch by his chest in the first shot, the second looking down at the lens, hand on his jaw, almost assessing the camera.
H: Hello Captain Rozanov! Not just a captain for the Centaurs but a long-term captain for Boston, leading his team to win a Stanley Cup with them, first pick in his drafting year, MVP of the 2013-14 season and the other co-founder of the Irina Foundation, Ilya, how are you doing?
I: It all sounds a lot less impressive if you list the dates with it. I'm okay.
H: It's more than a lot of people achieve over a 20 year career, and you're pretty much halfway.
I: True, if I decide to keep playing that long.
H: Ilya, don't joke about retiring, people will get stressed again.
I: Hey, the only thing keeping me around is you guys - if I was still with Boston going through all of the shit that I've been through with Shane there's every chance I would have just left and disappeared into the woods.
H: That's... comforting?
I: Good.
H: Shane mentioned - or rather in the structure of this interview later - that you'd make a good dad, is that something you're considering?
I: [He nods] Yes. I think having a family is very important to me and Shane, Anya is good practice to see how we would balance it all. Shane wasn't her biggest fan, but she won him over very quickly and well, look outside, they are best friends. Children, not for a little while. I want to play on same team as my husband for a while first.
H: That's very sweet, would you say your work with the foundation had any say in knowing you wanted children in your future?
I: Nice segue, Harris.
H: Thanks, anyways-
I: I always wanted children, I think. Shane I don't know, he is so focused on hockey I don't think he had the brain-space to consider it until life slowed down. The foundation helped the talks seem more... real? I want to do better by my children than my father did to me. That is also why I want to wait. They should not have to worry about their parents being away for long times over the whole year.
H: Yeah, that's very thought out. In the nearer future, though, what's on the cards for you?
I: Winning at least two cups. Minimum. I think that is very achievable, now we have best player in league, and he is making Luca even better too - so we have Hollander and little Hollander in the making. Ottawa is going to change the league. We will be the best, and no one can say it is because we are gay or whatever. We will just be the best, while not being assholes.
H: Some people would say you're still an asshole.
I: I am. If it is needed. Not always, you know.
The way the next part was formatted had both Shane and Ilya being asked the same questions by Harris to see how they answered when the other person wasn't in the room, like a more complicated version of the Newlywed Game.
Some of the questions were sourced from the Centaur's social media page.
H: What's something you did while you were crushing on him and didn't know it?
S: Ilya did an uh- a cover, for the NHL game series? There were a few versions going around, I think I did one at some point I can't remember- but I told myself it was a coincidence that I bought his cover version. I think I spent one night staring at the 3D render of him trying to see how accurate it was. They got his mole in the right place, so I'd say it was pretty good.
I: A lot of things. I watched his documentary he did about his cottage, saved the photos we took at the NHL awards in 2014, and when we were in Tampa for the All-Stars... I took the little notepad Shane had by his bedside after he threw it away. It was just mindless scribbles and drawings, but it lives in my wallet now - has for 5 years.
H: What's your favourite thing about him? What do you think his is for you?
S: I love his kindness, and how soft he is - in the mornings especially. [Soft Laughter] Sometimes he starts babbling to me in Russian thinking that I can understand him before he properly wakes up. I'm getting there - nowhere near his fluency though. And how he is with kids, and with Anya. Ilya's going to be a great dad one day.
S: [Soft Laughter], I think the first thing to come to mind would not make it into here. Secondary to that I want to say it's my dedication. He's always said he's jealous that I never get sick of hockey even if I don't take any breaks from it. But, he knows that dedication applies to him just as much.
I: His freckles. They are the most beautiful thing in the world. Ever since first time I saw him, they stuck in my head and never left. Many other things, his eyes, his laugh. That is a beautiful thing whenever I hear it too. My husband is very beautiful to me, and others too - but he only cares that I think that because he is all mine. Don't you internet freaks forget that.*
'E/N: Ilya wanted me to say that he was pointing at an imaginary camera when he said that. It's important apparently. This was the only note that he gave for this entire interview. - Harris'*
I: Shane would say something like: [Mocking Voice] 'Ilya has a great soul'. I'm kidding. He likes my hair - especially since I've grown it out a little bit; Always running his hands through it.
H: Was it love at first sight?
I: Ha. No. [Pause] Maybe. I don't know. I think about it - Shane has been in my brain for so long I cannot tell when I started to love him. I just did and didn't realise I did until later. Until I almost lost him.
S: I don't think I knew what it was. I felt the pull - the spark, but I thought for a long time it was competitive, like I'd found my match on the ice. It took some introspection to realise that it went far beyond that. Once I realised I loved him, uh, I wasn't going to let what we had fade away.
H: What is something that you could say as a reference for each other, that no one else would understand?
S: I was thinking a lot about this one actually, and I'll say... 'Gladiator.' I think that'll make sense to him.
I: Oh- [He Laughs] We finally finished decorating our trophy room. He will understand where that started.
H: What's the biggest difference you've found between pre and post coming out?
S: I find that I care a little less? In general, that is. Between the two of us I worry more about social media and everything like that - but now that I've seemingly gone through multiple iterations of my worst nightmare, there's a freedom to that. Not to say it was a good time at all - far from the truth - but looking back now after it's mostly settled down, I'm glad we had each other to get through it all.
I: Before- after the all-stars but before the whole fan-mail thing, I was very... measured. When people asked about Hollander, I wouldn't say anything too nice. [Pause] I wanted to - very much. I wanted to laugh in the faces of every reporter saying how cold Shane was and tell them he is the warmest person I have ever met. That he is my sun, he uh- melted me. Now I can say as much as I want about how much I love my husband and no one can stop me. Except him, but he's outside right now.
H: If you could say something to your rookie selves, what advice would you give?
S: Trust yourself, and your body. Uh- and that confidence is as much learned as it is genetic.
I: Find that freckled boy, do not let him out of your sight. He will save you and you will save him.
I: And, don't let someone else be your voice. That is important also.
H: Speaking of hockey, how is it to play on the same team after so long of facing off on the ice?
I: We are just as competitive as before, I think that is clear. I never want to stop pushing Shane, and I never want him to stop pushing me. I love seeing him on the ice, though - he is a different person, and it is nearly the only version of him I saw for long time. He is best player in the league. Montreal should mourn forever that they cannot hang his banner in their stadium. He is all ours.
S: Ilya said to me a long time ago, that we would always be at the top of the NHL - together. This was before I signed to the Cens, but we always knew that we were on each other's level. Playing side by side - I mean... It's my favourite thing in the world. That All-Stars game showed me a future I didn't know I was craving until it happened - I couldn't stop thinking about it.
H: What would surprise fans to know about your husband?
I: He is not the strict captain you see on the ice all the time. He whines at me and he rolls his eyes at everything. He is a little kitten at home. But, Shane can be meaner than me if he wants to - he just has more uh, [Soft Laughter], restraint than I do about it.
S: Ilya is incredibly fussy sometimes- I think people see the whole playboy persona that he had going on as a rookie and extrapolate that a decade onwards. [Laughter] I've heard him complaining about thread counts on the road before. It's partially my fault - I buy nice things for the house and he gets used to it. You wonder why his curls still look that nice even though he's grown them out? He sleeps with silk pillowcases.
H: To finish this all off, I'll leave this as open as possible for you to say something to the fans, to each other, to family. Any final words?
S: Thank you. To my parents for being so supportive, if not for an awkward introduction. Thank you for believing in me, for loving and coming to know Ilya as the man that I love. Thank you to the fans for being so kind - I don't see much of the social media messages, but Ilya shows me his favourites from time to time. At the matches, too. After the initial shockwave, seeing any kind of support out there meant a lot. Everyone who has reached out over the years in support - and some to apologise, even if I forget to reply, I appreciate it. Um, and Ilya, my husband. I love you so much, but you know that. [Pause] Um, yeah. You are my best friend, sorry Hayd but it's true. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit. [Soft Laughter] I love you, again. That's it.
I: For everyone who isn't my husband or his parents, if you are nice - good, keep it that way. If you have said anything terrible about him and are lucky enough not to have crossed my way, count your fucking days. [Laughter], That scared them, yes? Ha. No, I do not care much about settling scores these days unless Shane is upset. [Pause, he sniffles.] Ah, Yuna and David, you did not have to let me into your home as a second son, but you did, and I am grateful for that. I do not say it often but it is a very kind gesture. And to Shane, moy vozlyublenniy, I do not know where I would be without you. Probably in Russia, sad, or still in Boston, also sad [Soft Laughter, he sniffles again] - apart from with Sveta, of course. English fails me when I talk about you - and I do not want to put Harris through the pain of translating.
H:[Harris laughs].
I: You are the light of my life, I love the life we have now - and that is because you are there. We must do the wedding again next year so I can do all of the vows and things and tell the world again of how much you mean to me. I miss you, even if you are just outside. [Pause]. That's all. I need to go find my husband and kiss him, it has been too long already.
'E/N: For those interested, yes, he did rush straight out of the room to where Shane was outside with Anya, it was very sweet. - Harris.'
Attached was a quick photo that Harris took of them through the window, that after showing it to the pair, they both agreed it should bookend the interview itself. It was honest, it was real, it was them.
[Two photos of Ilya and Shane outside in the sunshine, Ilya has Shane tightly wrapped up with his arms around his husband's waist. Shane has one arm on Ilya's bicep, the other cupping the side of his face away from the camera. Anya is a grey-brown blur in both photos, running over to greet Ilya. The first photo is them looking into each other's eyes lovingly, both smiling wide. The second is of them kissing, a soft and gentle thing, with Shane still half-smiling, caught off-guard by Ilya.]