Chapter Text
Shane was bored. Seemed like nothing but anyone, who knew him, would feel surprised, because Shane was the epitome of boredom. Not in the way that he emitted that (his husband would argue), but he just had enough patience and self-control to glide through even the dullest, most nothing-burger conversation. And yet, he was bored.
Now, Shane didn’t mind hanging out with Hayden. Quite the opposite in fact — that’s his best friend after all. It’s also been a hasty season with their misaligned schedules. The last time they talked face-to-face was for 2 minutes before Ottawa demolished Montreal with a 7–1 damning score. So yes, Shane enjoyed spending time with Hayden. Still, he was bored out of his goddamn mind.
First of all, he hadn’t expected a quick morning coffee run to stretch into lunch, then brunch, and now apparently dinner.
Second of all, Hayden didn’t seem to be shutting up anytime soon. Although, given that Jackie had locked him out of their house, Shane supposed this was understandable.
“I don’t know man… I already said I’m not cheating. You know me, I’m not that kind of guy. Jackie’s my wife, she should know better.”
“Is that what you said to her?”
“Yeah? What else could I say? The team won. We went to a bar. A bar, Shane. All kinds of people around. Those girls were bumping into everyone. I didn’t even touch them.”
“Hayden… Did you explain all of that to her?”
“Again, she should know me better. She shouldn’t have even asked! It hurts me to know she didn’t trust me enough.”
Shane sighed. “I trust you but like, even I have to say the pictures look pretty damning.”
“I don’t know…” Dropping his head into his hands, Hayden started the same loop for what felt like the thousandth time. “I already said I’m not cheating…”
And Shane was about to strangle him right there. But he thought of Ilya, then remembered that he couldn’t exactly go to jail and leave his beautiful husband unsupervised — especially not over Hayden, of everything. So Shane calmed himself down.
“I mean, it happened man. You should… I don’t know, do something to make it up to her?”
“Why are you saying it like you’re not even sure? Your husband is Ilya Rozanov, you should know all the tips and tricks.”
Shane frowned, for that was the “third of all” thing driving him up the wall. Hayden kept throwing out these random jabs at Ilya, all of which were assumptions. He was upset, so Shane had been letting it slide, but implying Ilya of cheating was…
“He never cheated, Hayden. He was a ladies’ man, sleeping around, sure whatever. But that was only before we were exclusive. I did too.”
“I know, sorry. I just meant you could do better.”
“No I can’t,” Shane finally bursted, but still keeping his voice down because they were in a restaurant. “Stop saying that. You cannot be sitting here all day moping about your wife without doing an actual thing to fix it, while somehow still taking shots at my loving husband. My relationship is not the one struggling here.”
Looking at Hayden’s bewildered face, Shane felt a bit guilty for snapping like that — the man was going through shit too. “Anyway, bring her flowers, take her out on a date or something. Jackie is your wife, you should know what she likes.”
There was an awkward silence after that. Hayden apologized again, this time felt more genuine. But Shane couldn’t care less. They were best bros, they would get back on track after a few days. Right now he just wanted to go home to the husband he’d only spoken to through text all day. Shane missed him.
The luckiest thing was probably that Ilya had been busy himself — because when a couple is fighting and Shane takes the husband’s side, someone has to take the wife’s. Ilya had spent the whole day helping Jackie with the kids, keeping her from falling apart. So even though he was pissed at Hayden (both for breaking Jackie’s heart and for hogging Shane’s time), he didn’t nag Shane to come home.
And Shane just felt better knowing he wasn’t leaving Ilya alone.
He didn’t want to leave Ilya alone at all these days.
Especially when the night was approaching.
***
“You look tired.” Ilya welcomed Shane with that, and a kiss. “Hayden wore you out that much? Is one more sin added to the book.”
“You have a book for Hayden’s sins?”
Shane smiled, and deepened their kisses. It wasn’t the reason, but Shane didn’t want to let Ilya know about other things. Then as he finally relaxed, he could smell a strange scent in the house. Noticing that he might have figured it out, Ilya tugged him into the living room. Shane’s eyes widened instantly at the scene.
Roses everywhere, petals scattered across the couch, candles glowing on the glass table. The whole place looked like something straight out of a fairy tale. And Ilya, being the man he was, pulled out a rose. “Picked from the garden. For our anniversary.”
“Which one?”
You really couldn’t blame Shane for not knowing. Honestly. Ilya had invented like 365 “special occasions” just so he could surprise him nonstop.
The first time they met.
The proposal.
Their first kiss.
Their wedding day.
The day they admitted their love.
The day they officially started dating.
Though it still broke Shane’s mind as the last two had been literally 2 hours apart, but Ilya insisted that since it was past midnight, they had to be counted separately.
“Well, our first sext.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s not today.”
“Lie. Irrelevant. With how good I look right now.”
“That, you’re not wrong about.” Shane snorted, and he dropped to his knees.
Ilya’s breath hitched, his hand instantly tangling in Shane’s hair while he tried to talk through his half-gone mind. “Want to… take this to bed? Plenty of petals there. You hate messiness but I like seeing you covered in all that—” He cut himself off with a sharp inhale. “And my cum.”
Shane looked up at him, eyes dark with heat. “That’s for later,” he murmured. “We’ve got the whole night. Right now? Take me here first.”
And the rest of the world slipped away as they lost themselves in each other. When Shane got his thinking back, he’s now lying chest-down on the couch, breath still uneven. Ilya’s figure could be seen moving around in their kitchen — barefoot, shirt askew, probably getting a glass of water. Shane let his gaze wander, passing all the preparations, noticing the candles were now unlit and safely pushed to the far corner of the table.
Then his eyes landed on the rose Ilya gave him earlier. Picking it up, Shane unconsciously smiled, drifting his fingers down the stem, following its length. Then he suddenly felt like wanting to cry. Of course Ilya would do something like this…
Every thorn had been carefully clipped away, just so Shane wouldn’t prick his fingers. Ilya had said he picked it from the garden, which meant he had done that himself.
And people really believed he could do “better.” God, Hayden didn’t even know how to make things right with Jackie.
Shane’s throat tightened. He wanted to let the whole world know about this, and at the same time, not at all. He always felt a little superior for being the only one who knew about the true Ilya, that this very complicated man opened for him, only him. Not to mention, they’d kind of talked around this before, and Ilya liked pushing his agenda.
“Better for the games.” He had said. “My chirps have no bite on Scott anymore, since he believes I am soft. Well I’m soft like his old-man bones crackling.”
“Also, isn’t my job, or yours, to explain our relationship to anyone. Fuck them.”
But Shane badly needed to share. So, impulsively, he opened Instagram, added another account under his credentials, accepted every prompt, skipped all setup screens, barely reading anything. He sped through so quickly that not until he was staring at the blank profile page, did he notice the autogenerated username was goat.18420000.
Our jersey numbers, reversed. Even the universe was in on it, Shane thought.
He snapped a picture of the rose and the little card beside it, then dumped into the caption everything that had been sitting in his chest. Of how Ilya’d make love feel this stupidly, painfully easy. Of how he was somehow lucky enough to marry a man who removed thorns from his life, in every way possible.
He hit send just as Ilya returned. Without effort, the man scooped Shane up and carried him upstairs, each step steady as he headed for their bedroom. The way Ilya’s strength got almost inhuman when he’s horny fucked Shane up too. The night was long, and they still had the rest of their lives together.
***
wua3amtwt[Is your husband Russian?]
They had had a night so good, Shane totally forgot about the account. That’s why he was so caught off guard by that question (not even realizing that he shouldn’t receive random comments if this was his main account), and answered slightly hostile.
goat.18420000[How can you not know??]
His sense came back right when he looked at the username. He tried to delete the reply but whoever was on the other end, they were quicker.
wua3amtwt[ok gurl chillllllll… I’m just asking. Who tf knows your man lmao?]
goat.18420000[I’m so sorry!! I mistook the situation. I didn’t mean to.]
goat.18420000[I’m really sorry. And yes he’s Russian.]
goat.18420000[Um… and I’m also a man.]
wua3amtwt[‘kay gay loverboy. Itsfine. And gurl can be gender neutral, but I won’t say it if you mind]
goat.18420000[No I don’t mind at all. I just don’t want to mislead or anything]
wua3amtwt[none biggie. Your pic popped up on my feed and I was curious. Ya lucky. Your man seems so head over heels for you. Especially the card.]
goat.18420000[the card?]
goat.18420000[wdym? I thought it means “for my love”]
wua3amtwt[it doesssss. But normally, like modern Russian, we go with Для моей любви. Yours is older, more traditional]
wua3amtwt[I’m native but like… I’ve only seen Для возлюбленного written once or twice, all in poems. It’s sometimes like… something you’d say to God.]
goat.18420000[thanks. And sorry again for the aggression earlier]
wua3amtwt[np np]
Then Shane got a notification that wua3amtwt started following him. He initially intended to follow Ilya, but that might be too obvious. Deleting the account would look suspicious, and the whole point of making it was not hiding anything. So he followed wua3amtwt back and started fleshing out the profile so it wouldn’t scream clone.
First, pronoun: he/him… with a Male (30+) in bio for precaution — Lily and Jane were their fond memories, but Shane did not need strangers assuming his husband had a wife again. And then he deleted the age, worrying it might be too on the nose.
Next, Married to the best husband in the world. Shane actually felt giggly typing that down. Then, he spent five whole minutes debating whether to write hockey, sports fan, or no sports, then decided to skip the entire topic so he wouldn’t have to worry about slipping up later. In the end, he kept just the line, changed the avatar to a photo of their rings, then saved. The less concrete info he shared, the fewer lies (cover-ups) to be told.
Then, Shane dragged himself out of bed as the smell of bacon and cheeses had infiltrated the room. Most often, he would wake up with Ilya by his side, and for a while after the wedding, it was genuinely impossible for either of them to wake up without the other. But then time flew, and the stability of the relationship slowly took root, letting them breathe easier. So now Shane didn’t have a panic attack if Ilya’s side of the bed was empty, and vice versa, as they knew the other would just be in the bathroom or kitchen. In their house. No more slipping out before dawn.
“Mr. Butler. What reward do you want for crafting this feast?”
“Well young master. You can taste my food, if I can have a taste of you.”
Shane gave Ilya the deepest kiss he could manage without sending them straight back to bed. His husband was fucking glowing though, so it’s been really hard. And something else ended up hard on that kiss, too.
“I need to eat first before actually ‘tasting your food’ later,” Shane murmured. “Can’t do nothing on an empty stomach.”
“We have the whole day. You can take it slow.” Ilya was hard too, but he didn’t mind. The waiting and anticipation always made the sex better.
“I wish people knew I’m actually the freakier, needier one between us,” Shane said without thinking.
“You are!”
“Yeah the point in that sentence is ‘letting people know.’ You say that now, but you never stop with your nasty playboy agenda.”
“You can pry that title from my cold, dead hand.”
“Ilya…”
“Is a joke. No death thought today. Promise. I just took my meds earlier.”
And Shane didn’t push more. Ilya could joke, it’s fine, it’s better than him being silent. Shane’s totally capable of handling a little heartbreak at the sound of the d-word, as long as it’s just a word, and nothing that happened.
“Hmm.” Ilya sniffed his shirt, and decided that he needed a bath. “Didn’t know bacon smells stick harder than cigarettes. If it’s not for you needing me in bed after this, I won’t even change.”
“I wouldn’t mind sucking you off with that smell. Like having a sausage, probably.”
“Except I do not want you biting my meat off. Thanks.”
Looking at Ilya walking away, Shane knew exactly how to let the world know who the patient, caring one in this marriage really was. Phone was in his hand, and no one was going to stop him from taking a little picture and sharing a very NSFW caption.
goat.18420000Morning breakfast. Always so right, just like me and him in everything, including in bed. Especially in bed.My husband was a notorious playboy, so it’s no surprise he knows all the tricks. But people really should have rallied on how caring he is. If I’d heard that I would’ve tried to jump him much earlier (I still couldn’t, for reasons, but iykyk). His hookups probably hid that to keep him for themselves. Everyone knows consent is hot!!!
Anyway, my first time with a man was with him, and he ruined me… It put my expectations so high I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. The whole time he kept asking if I was fine, if I was comfortable, if I wanted to take it slower… While all I wanted was for him to make me a pillow princess.
Even till now, my husband has never insisted on something that I’m not into. Even when I complain, if I actually don’t enjoy it, he will skip it immediately. I hate how perceptive he is sometimes, for I know I cannot hide my neediness from him. And I also love it, I love him, for being so perfectly freaky with me.
Again, consent is so hot!!!
***
Shane should’ve known anything even remotely NSFW would blow up on Instagram. His post didn’t use a single vulgar word, but was enough to catch traction. Plus, it turns out wua3amtwt had their own little circle, and with one story reup, the post took off.
By the next day, when Shane’s hands were finally free to grab something else other than his husband’s, both the photos had racked up thousands of likes. The comment section on the second was basically a wall of copy-pasta, with everyone sending “consent is hot” or its variations. It had also been reposted dozens of times, with different stories from others, men and women, about their partners (or exes).
It made Shane feel weirdly proud, like he’d accidentally done something helpful… when all he’d meant to do was flaunt his perfect husband. And now that the rush had kicked in, he kind of had a feeling that he would not end this thing anytime soon. So he needed to think of the content for the next post, and then he smiled — Ilya made it really easy. But giving it little time might be smarter, he didn’t want too much attention, and better be careful with phrasing to not give out too much information.
So two days later…
goat.18420000My husband has given up everything for me.We are colleagues in the same business, and our departments were pitted against each other. We were pitted against each other, from day one. Being of the same age, both talented, and handsome, but opposite images. God it’s such a typical enemies-to-lovers setup, but everyone else was too blinded by the competitiveness, that our relationship was successfully hidden.
Then things got serious, and we wanted more than stolen moments. He came up with an idea, but I didn’t want him in a lavender marriage, so I shut it down. Then I proposed a replacement. I loved my job, and he liked his, plus for his citizenship, it was decided that my “love” outweighed his “like.” So he gave his position up. And transferred to the worst-performing department. And he still managed to be one of the top performers somehow…
So now, looking back, I don’t know what rock I hit my head on. I was having fun with all of my team’s successes, my groups of friends, while he had to leave his familiar scene — cutting off his colleagues, old friends, family — to start over. Adapting to a new environment is hard enough, he had to do that, make new connections, and be secretive about us still. But there I was, internally judging him for not pulling off bigger achievements with his team. The team I knew sucked ass. The team I put him into…
And the worst part of it was, he genuinely trusted my judgement, so he hid all of his struggles. I made him believe I’d choose my career over him.
I love my job, yes, but I love him more. I will always choose him. He knows that now… at least that’s what he said, but I still feel like I need to remind him every day. Maybe that’s the price I have to pay.
There were more negative comments on this post compared to the previous two. But Shane couldn’t say he didn’t expect it. What surprised him more was the encouragement.
wua3amtwt[boi. You were kind of an ass based on this. But in the end, it’s your perspective only. Your husband might have thought differently. Ask him]
Ictoansbwm[the lavender marriage would NOT gonna work out anyway]
wua3amtwt[he seems in love with you. and as long as he’s content with it now, things are fine]
Apasigtcg[You and him now are official and public, right?]
↳ goat.18420000[Yes. We are married.] Shane replied.
↳ Apasigtcg[From your posts earlier, your husband seems to be someone who rarely falls in love, but once does, he falls hard. I think he was just so in love with you that he started wanting more, and the secrecy of your relationship ate him alive. Now you’re public, it’s not something that would hurt him anymore.]
↳ Ictoansbwm[What the above said. And you shouldn’t think everything is on you. You love him, you definitely couldn’t ignore it all if he genuinely felt bad all the time. There had to be good things around him too, he just needed you a bit more.]
↳ goat.18420000[He did tell me that he like the new team. He was near my parents too.]
↳ Ictoansbwm[see? You need to look at the bright side too]
↳ wua3amtwt[@goat.18420000glad you two worked it out]
That’s just some of the comments Shane actually paid attention to. He still felt bad from the negative ones, but somehow, it stung much less. A surprising number of people kept advising him to talk to Ilya about that time. They said that even if it reopened an old wound, it needed to be cleaned to properly heal. So Shane asked.
“That night at Fabian’s show… what did you think?”
That caught Ilya off guard. He actually remembered every thought had been in his mind from that night. But they were stupid, and unreasonable. It was just his brain acting up. So one more time, he defaulted to the safest answer. “Nothing.”
But Shane had a clearer view this time — in their safe home, under soft morning light, immersed in the quiet of the weekend. He tugged closer to Ilya’s chest, which was practically impossible since they’re already fused together, and cupped his husband’s face. He didn’t ask again, he just showed that he wanted to hear it.
And Ilya finally let it spill. How choked up he’d been. How he’d clung to Shane’s touches like it was a lifebuoy. How he missed talking to new people, or people, or just talking out loud at all. How he got so tired of losing, and believed it’s his fault. How he hated not connecting with his team more, as their captain, not leading them to wins. How his mother never stayed long enough in his dream to meet Shane, and he woke up to an empty bed. How he knew Shane hoped he would do better, and the constant disappointment echoes voiced by his dad.
By the time Ilya stopped, his voice had thinned out. He wasn’t crying, but Shane wished he did. It would feel better taking all out through the tears. He slid a hand into Ilya’s hair, gently placing a kiss on his temple.
“You weren’t disappointing anyone. Not once. Not ever.”
Ilya shook his head, laughing. “The Boston fans had another thought.”
“Ok they do not matter.”
“Well the Centaurs fans were crying—”
“No they didn’t. They’re used to losing.” Shane rolled his eyes. “And I’m being serious.”
“And that’s how I.. um, to handle—” “cope” “—how I’m coping with it.”
“Still, you shouldn’t have faced it alone.” Shane leaned in until their foreheads touched. “I threw you in the deep end and expected you not to drown.”
“That’s not…” Ilya’s voice trailed off, he remembered his therapist. “I won’t say it was nothing. I want to be honest with you.
“But it also wasn’t the only thing. A lot happened and all of them fell on top of each other, wreaking me. So not your fault, genuinely.”
“I should’ve protected you better.” Shane whispered. “I should’ve seen you were hurting. I should’ve chosen you.”
“You saw. You tried to comfort me, remember? Even when you didn’t know, even after I lied to you. And you did choose me.”
“Not soon enough.”
“You’re choosing me now. Every day. I know that.” Ilya rested his hand against Shane’s cheek. “I’m working hard to feel less bad about myself. Is better you not add to that, ok? Make it easier for us to get over it.”
Shane swallowed, leaning into the touch like he needed it to breathe. “Your therapist is good.”
“She is. Do you want to meet her next time?”
“Can I? Only if you’re fine with it.”
“It’s ok. Galina’s been suggesting that anyway. She said something like ‘support system’ blah blah blah ‘someone around would help,’ or similar, I guess.”
***
Ilya’s family was the main topic in the session this time, as how their conversation ended with him mentioning his father’s disapproving comments. It’s not like Ilya hadn’t shared pieces before, but it was also a landmine Shane’s scared of stepping on, he never asked for details. Now he wanted to know more. And Galina did exactly that — asking more.
Shane just didn’t expect what he learned would fill him with so much rage. He knew Ilya’s family was awful. He knew his brother was always asking for money. He knew his father was unreasonably cruel. But Shane hadn’t known the calls came twisted with vicious words, delivered at the worst possible times. He hadn’t known of the turmoils and spirals, coming back to haunt Ilya’s every dream. And he hadn’t known his husband still loved them, which only made his guilt even bigger, and more painful. If Ilya could just hate them, everything would be simpler. But being Ilya, it’s always so complicated.
goat.18420000He said among all the things I beat myself up over, he was happy about cutting off his family.And that pains me, because it’s a shit family, but no one deserves to have to run away from their country. And I know he still cares about them. Even if they’re leeches feeding on him.
Before things got serious between us, I visited his home country once, and he was so distant. I won’t pretend it didn’t hurt me, but now I get to understand the full view. He loved his home the way everyone loves theirs, but also hated it for everything else. He had to run away from it, from the place carrying the last memory of his mother. He worked so hard, risking his life even, he deserved whatever grandeur he could have. But there would always be some calls… either his father downplaying his achievements, or his brother asking for more money.
Money that went straight into booze and drugs. And my husband would still send more. And he would still feel guilty. For not being the one back home taking care of his father instead. The same father, who’s so horrible that (I couldn’t say it straight to him but) I was actually glad knowing that man is dead.
And after everything, after leaving it all behind, even after disowning his brother, my husband still wants to take care of his niece. Because he’s a kid-loving idiot with a heart too big for his own good. But he will never get to meet her, or visit his mom’s grave again — not in the country he can’t return to for choosing to be with me.
After the couple’s session, then Ilya’s individual one, Shane ended up having a short time with Galina too. It started with her giving a few tips on how to support Ilya, but then Shane found himself wanting to share more. He suddenly understood Ilya’s urge to talk to someone else, particularly his therapist, about details of their situation. He told her how awful he felt about Ilya being underestimated, about the Instagram account, and him not sure if it was a good idea or not.
Talking with Galina was inspiring. She said it was normal to not feel good when people said things about someone you love, especially when it implied they had doubts about his choices. It was reasonable to get irritated, and to want to defend him. It was also one of the biggest differences between Ilya and Shane. That Ilya didn’t care about what people thought of him, while Shane cared too much. He craved approval of the people, feeling the need to justify why he chose Ilya, to give reasons for why it’s a correct decision.
Galina didn’t focus on whether the account was bad, she only asked how it made Shane feel. She said that even though he wasn’t depressed like his husband, he still carried his own burden. He could always reach out to her. But for now, she thought the account was something Shane needed.
It led to that fourth post of his in a single week. With a picture of snow. Shane actually had taken this back in Sochi during the Olympics. He never really understood why he kept transferring it to every new phone over the years… but now he’s very glad he did.
***
When Shane checked back on the account, the follower count had reached 2-million. Fortunately, the posts still hadn’t escaped the intended circles yet, no one commenting seemed remotely interested in sports. People just figured out Ilya’s nationality from the first post, then connected the dot with the “citizenship” from the third one. Most were sympathetic, sending comfort and support — everyone knew how bad it could be for queer people in Russia. Some Russian accounts even offered to visit his mother’s grave or check on his niece (although Shane had doubts that they might be just trying to dox them, so he ignored those.)
Talking about Ilya’s niece, Shane knew what to post today. First, though, he reminded himself why they weren’t together — a rare occurrence that only happened once in a blue moon. Ilya had a teaching session with the kids from the local orphanage today. In fact, the whole Centaurs did, which should have included Shane. But he had a photoshoot for one of his endorsements at 3PM, and his husband insisted he take the day to rest, preparing for the trip (it’s a 2-hour drive after all.)
So here he was, still lounging on their bed, hugging Anya, while scrolling through updates from the rink sent by Harris. The team was on the ice, even Ilya, so their wonderful social media manager had taken over documenting everything. Shane paused at a picture of Ilya taken from behind, before putting on gears, trying to stay upright while three kids hung off his biceps and around his neck like determined koalas. He saved it, carefully cropped the image so only no one’s face was in the frame, and hit “post.”
goat.18420000They say kids (and animals) can sense someone’s true self, so I’m not surprised my husband is basically a magnet to them.He’s always so sweet, spoiling them rotten. To the point of suffocating sometimes. Not in a bad way. Just… because I know it’s more than his kid-loving nature.
My husband didn’t get much love growing up. His mother loved him, but she left too early, and in a way that scarred him too deeply… Too much for any child to carry. And yet, even those blurred memories of her love were big enough for him to endure everything that came after. Because nothing good came after…
So now he’s trying to show the kids that precious love, the only kind he ever knew of. He also gives them what he never had, everything he wished for. His love is so pure it makes me go insane thinking about the boy he used to be. The boy I never got to know. And I just… wish I could’ve been with him back then, too.
I’m now content with being a man, being gay. But sometimes, I do wish I could get pregnant — I’d let him knock me up over and over and over again. Suddenly I understand why my friend has so many. Imagine little ones jumping around the house with his curls, his eyes, his smile, … God, the more I think about it, the less sure I am about who would be getting the better end of that deal.
So……… what I figured out while making this post is that I’m the baby-trapping type, and I’m glad none of his past hookups ever managed it.
***
goat.18420000He almost never got a chance to do this for anyone, but my husband is really good at calming people down. Calming me down.I care too much. I worry a lot. I get overloaded easily. I’m always bracing for everything to go wrong, and when even a tiny thing does, it feels like the world is ending.
But even the end feels acceptable with him by my side. He just knows how to make me breathe again.
I still remember the first time my parents knew of us. I didn’t really have a chance to “come out” so to say — my father walked in on us kissing. That was my biggest nightmare at the time (that “me” really did not know what would come next). I was panicking so hard I could barely think, then he told me “it’s time to wake up.” So I chose that, and got to wake up to the best husband in the world.
And don’t let him know, but I noticed. Everything he used on me, was because it was working on him first. Because he was alone, he had to build his own comfort. Because he knew touching would be assuring, caress would be calming, kisses mean love, and presence is needed. He gives me the best of what he has.
***
goat.18420000How many people get to say that their partner shaped their life? I don’t know. At least I’m one of them.We didn’t get to meet as kids, but still, we were young enough for it to matter. And it was none other than 18, one of the most defining ages of a person. There I was, a prince tucked safely inside a fortress my caring parents built. Surrounded by a good routine that had taken years to establish. Everyone followed suit, all to keep me steady.
And then, there was my husband. Straight up crashing at my face, loud and blunt and impossible to ignore. He cracked my armor, tore down my guards, and gave me enough heartbreaks of a lifetime. But he also set me free, let me be myself, helped me explore parts of me I didn’t even know were there. He was everything I wasn’t, and everything I didn’t know I needed.
I was obsessed. Still am. I couldn’t… I wouldn’t choose anything else. There’s nothing else like him, not even close.
…
“You really should stop with those jokes.” Shane said flatly.
Everyone was gathered in their garden. And when saying everyone, it was really a lot of people: the Centaurs, Harris, Rose, JJ… a full house. That’s why they got the group outside instead of the living room. With the Irina Foundation’s yearly auction coming up, they just kind of do some casual planning. It was supposed to be a chill and fun afternoon, and it was.
Until this. The moment Shane spoke, the whole group froze.
To be fair, not everyone was into the conversation before this. The Hollanders, David and Yuna, had been wearing uncomfortable expressions for a while. Hayden seemed to look for a hole to crawl in. Svetlana was disapproving. But they said nothing and the rest didn’t notice, just joking and tossing around words, with Ilya’s random protests.
Because they were making fun of Shane’s choice again. They talked about “other options.” And Ilya was laughing. He was jealous, and disagreed, and pushed back, but then he laughed along, like he actually believed there might be an alternate reality where Shane could’ve picked someone else.
“It might’ve been funny the first or the second time, I didn’t mind teasing. But it’s getting really boring that you guys keep telling my husband that. Now, hands on your heart, and tell me truly: You really look at him and say there are better? The Ilya Rozanov? What are you even on?”
Shane went on and on. It was their loss that they didn’t get to know the Ilya that Shane knew, to love the Ilya that loved Shane. But that’s not the reason for them to disregard or question his choice. Or maybe it was his fault too. How had he let people even entertain the idea that he could be with someone else? How had he let it go on long enough that Ilya laughed along, understanding the joke, instead of shutting it down?
“If what you’re saying makes him question our relationship, or if he gets bored of me, then if I lose Ilya… where the fuck am I supposed to find such a marvel like that again? It literally took me 10 years. Like are you guys for real?”
Shane was breathing hard. His eyes were burning. He couldn’t tell if it was just heat or he’s actually tearing up. Everything was a blur, and uncertain. But Ilya’s hug was never.
“Shh… shh…” Ilya murmured into Shane’s hair. “I can never get bored of you, you know that. I’m obsessed with you. Even if one day you wake up and have a change of heart, I’d never let you go.”
“That’s the problem. There shouldn’t even be an ‘if’—”
“But you just said a lot of ‘ifs’ about me.”
“That… That’s different.”
“No, it’s really not. Can we sit down?” He guided Shane onto the bean bag, practically pulling him into his lap. He eyed Hayden and Svetlana, who understood it’s the signal to get the group inside the house.
“I’m sorry you feel like you have to defend me. But it’s ok.”
“I don’t feel ok about that… It’s unfair that people don’t know the you I love. Others think—”
“Who the fuck cares what others think, Shane? Oh right, except you. Of courseeee.” Ilya rolled his eyes, though kept his tone soft. “But we already went through this. With Galina? Remember?
“You care. I don’t. And it’s totally cool. You care for my part, I get you to chill out, and we meet in the middle. Because the only ‘people’ matter to me is you.”
Their fingers tangled, Ilya and Shane absentmindedly curled together. Meanwhile, inside the house, everyone exchanged uneasy glances.
“That was… awkward.” JJ broke the silence. “Didn’t expect Shane to explode like that.”
Hayden scratched his nose. “Well… not the first time. He kind of had an outburst recently too. I should’ve warned you all to not joke about that today.”
“No, that’s—” Yuna interrupted, frowning. “It’s not avoiding it just today. We actually don’t want you to talk like that anymore. You’ve all been around Ilya for the last few years and you still don’t see him? Like we do?”
Yuna admitted, she had been one of the most puzzled with Shane’s choice, the day she knew. The Hollanders tried to be nice to Ilya, simply because he was their son’s lover, and didn’t seem to go away anytime soon. But they were Shane’s parents, of course they ended up loving the one their son fell in love with, for the same reasons he did. And Ilya wasn’t hard to love at all. Once they had eyes on him, got to know him, went past the sharp edges… he’s still the same menace, but the one they adored.
Meanwhile, David still regretted his first comment sometimes, how he asked for “a nicer man in Montreal” right in front of Ilya. It was just shock-talking, no one gave a thought about it, not even Ilya. Except David himself. He’d gone from imagining different options for Shane, to thinking only a few could measure up to Ilya, to believing no one could be as perfect as him. David was so glad that Shane had someone like that, and to be able to call Ilya his son.
The others felt the weight of it too. Because they saw Ilya, the real one, even if they were just glimpses. They’d seen it in quiet moments, in the way he would always be there when they needed. He might tease them, but when something went wrong, he never withheld support. There were plenty of fathers in this room, yet not one of them could honestly claim they could do it better than Ilya. They’d made the jokes because it was familiar, but they all knew those didn’t fit the man they had become close to, and were proud to be friends with. And that was on them. They should have known better.
“Hey, I also wasn’t gonna say anything, because Ilya doesn’t need me to poke into his business. But I have always thought it’s kind of dirty how y’all gang up on him sometimes. If you really think about this…” Svetlana let out a long sigh and started pointing.
“Shane’s father. Shane’s mother. Shane’s friend. Another friend. Best friend. Then the teammates… Most of you know Ilya first, and yet. It’s their teammates now.”
Then she pointed at herself. “Ilya’s friend.”
Svetlana stopped for a few seconds before continuing, allowing people to register what she implied. “Like… you see the difference. So yeah, I think it’s totally reasonable for Ilya’s husband to lose it a litt—”
“Don’t listen to her. She’s just yapping.”
Ilya strolled inside like nothing had happened, grabbed a ginger ale, and pressed it into Shane’s hands, mouthing ‘get hydrated.’ Only then did he finally turn to Svetlana. “It’s really not that big of a deal.”
She inhaled to argue but he held up a hand. “I know you’re mad. But actually at yourself, isn’t it? For seeing me only twice a year. Making you feel like a neglected sister, just like my father and brother. So you want to fight for me.”
“What can I say? The opportunity presented itself. I do want to protect you, though.”
“But Svetlana, siblings don’t fuck each other, да?” Shane nearly choked on his ginger ale; everyone else probably choked on their own saliva, while Ilya just shrugged. “Maybe except that town in America.”
“State,” Svetlana corrected him automatically, then immediately circled back. “And why the hell are you bringing that up now? Is this really the time? In front of your husband and in-laws, no less??”
“Trust me. It’s good for the nala-narrative.”
“He brought out ‘narrative,’ guys.” Shane nodded, absolutely baffled. “Whatever. Continue. We’re listening. I’d love to see where this goes.”
“So listen.” Ilya clapped. “This is Svetlana, who I fucked and is my best friend. That is Rose, who Shane fucked and also is his best friend.”
On the side, Rose made a face like she would like to be anywhere else but here.
“Then Shane’s parents. But they are mine, too. They gave me enough confidence to believe that. And I know my ma would love Shane. He’s so sweet, she’d absolutely say something like, ‘My son is so grateful to be loved by you.’
“Now, Shane has Hayden and JJ, sure. I also have Bood, and Hazy, and Barret, and my team, honestly. They are on my side. They seem kinder to Shane because… You have to understand this too, Shane is a good boy. He is treated nicely because he’s nice. I’m a bad boy. People like to trample me because I’m a menace. But those guys will always protect me when it counts. I know they would kill for me.”
“No we wouldn’t.” Bood immediately opposed the accusation.
“Of course they won’t admit anything here. Very incriminating. Shit would be used against them in court or something. However that warning goes.”
“No. We would not kill anyone for you, Ilya.”
“Fine. Help me hide bodies.”
“Depends on whose bodies we are talking about…” Bood’s voice trailed off.
“You’re saying it like you know a way.” Wyatt raised a brow.
“Hold on—was that plural?” Troy asked.
“Anyway!” Ilya steered the conversation back. “Of course, I don’t like people suggesting other options to Shane. Agree. Totally. Will kill anyone trying to set my husband up with imaginary possibilities again. So, we compromise, deal?”
Now, Shane was still baffled by his husband, but even more amazed at how Ilya had somehow salvaged an absolute disaster. He assumed everything was ruined the moment he snapped — he just didn’t want that to go on any seconds — he had prepared for the consequences. But instead everyone was standing here, maybe still awkward but no hard feelings left. Purely because Ilya had bulldozed through it with… whatever that was.
Svetlana wiped her tears, breathless from laughing too hard. “Your English is so good now. You really delivered that entire speech without a single stutter.”
“I learned from the best.” Ilya slightly bowed down, feigning humbleness. “You know… the notorious New Yorker.”
“You’re truly a menace.”
“See? It’s much easier to want to trample me.”
…
My husband has been in my life since… forever.
The “me” now wants him just like the “me” from fifteen years ago, the only difference is probably the fantasies that come with it. Our relationships have been tangled for more than a decade, everyone else arrived after that. I can even say that aside from my parents, no one knows a version of me that isn’t carrying a piece of him. I am HIM-shaped, how could I ever fit out of my design?