Chapter Text
Letters to No One
[This letter is one of the few ones that were written across the course of multiple days, rather than being done in one sitting. This one is the especial importance for us historians because it reveals the lenghts that Second Fallen will go up to in order to get what he wants, no matter what is at stake. The report attached he wrote at the time, as should be noted, is nothing else but a fiction and will be discarded accordingly.]
Darling:
I told you, didn't I?
I told you that with a little bit of patience and with a mic on hand, you can make anyone say anything! People love to talk, and us angels are no exception. Ah, I can't even begin to tell you how maddening it was, to hear this one angel go on and on about his insanely boring tasks as if they were of the most vital importance for the continuation of existence itself. Goodness me, it was like hearing Saint Peter trying to convince you that reading names in a book he didn't even write for a gate he never touches to open is actually the hardest thing to do.
The one good thing I will ever say about Saint Peter is that at least he knows his place. He knows how easy he got it. All of that free time gives him a penchant for gossiping and running his mouth that can be grating after a while, but at least he won't ever try to argue that his job couldn't be done by literally anyone. Still a useless man, but by Father's Glory, at least an aware one. That count for something.
I can't say the same about this other angel, but you know what? As long it's useful for me, I can forgive a lot of things. Stoke his ego was so easy, my love, it almost no challenge at all. I could tell a mile away that I was the only one willing to put up with his idiocy and ask him questions about his labor, which he was oh so glad to do. At first, I will admit, I was merely being just polite.
As you know already, my radio is open for any guest to come in and contribute if so they wish. This angel called just to vent about how hard was to go through so many reports, sigh and say but someone has to do the job. I offered my lighthearted commentary as usual and my sympathies, both of which he was obviously looking for anyway. Then he hanged up and I thought that was it, I would never hear about him again.
I have never been more delighted to be wrong. Don't misundestand me, love, I did hate it every single one of our interactions. If you were here you would have heard me, stomping my way to my room, ready to grab the nearest pillow I could just so I would scream into its perfect cover. Just by doing that, without me having to say another word, you would know "ah, he talked with that angel again," and then you would positively marvel at the levels of tolerance I had managed to muster to resist this long.
Then again, if you were here, I wouldn't have to tolerate that angel at all. I could just tell him off and return to our home in peace, my patience only tried by whatever nonsense you decided to put me through that day.
I guess that is a moot point then.
Anyway, as I was saying, this angel kept calling me. Always the same whiny diatribe, always the same self agrandazing narrative about how nobody ever had it as bad as he did. From there, he took on to actually come to the station. I feared that this idiot would think to become my co-host or give himself some sort of position at my radio to distract himself from his labor. My mind was already running with excuses as to why this could never, ever happen.
For you see, the radio is my dominion, love. I created it, I control it. That is only fair, don't you think? If I allow those lousy stuck up heavenly beings to say a single word on air, it's only in the case that they could say something I could become interested to. And by our Father wherever the hell he is, this one did. It took far longer than I could have ever wished to, but regardless!
He haven't come to speak in the air, he wanted to speak to me. Over tea or whatever overtly sweet disgusting treat he brought (and finished by himself before realizing I never took a bite myself), he wanted someone to listen to his rambles about his labor, as established. What labor is this one that I needed to know about this badly, I can hear you asking.
Oh, if you would ask him, he would go in a ceaseless rant about how his labor was to command the relations between the heavenly and the rest of humanity, to make sure that human never forget that good was the only good option that they have. On top of other words I can't be bothered to repeat or I will feel like stabbing myself with this pen. But I won't kid you about like he does to himself. Simple put, this doofus was the one assigning guardian angels to be sent to Earth in order to do whatever is that he had been told was important to do. All he had to do was to deliver letters with the assigment and read their resulting reports, declaring their mission a success or a failure. That was it. Nothing more transcendental than that. He wasn't even the one deciding which missions required a guardian angel or not. Only which angels would go on to carry that mission.
A glorified secretary in other words. Glorified by himself and literally nobody else, may I add.
Exactly what I didn't know I needed, until I did. Not until he let it drop his latest problem, which was to chose he right angel for this one particular mission he was facing. His favorite ones were already out in the field with their respective humans and wouldn't be back soon enough for this job. He still had some in reserve, but there was the little teeny tiny detail that he quite simply couldn't stand them. They were flakey, clumsy, irresponsible. More than one time he had to send Cherubs in order to clean up after them, usually in order to erase from human mind's memories about the divine they weren't meant to know. It was such a huge hazzle, even if they did managed to fulfill their mission.
There was no way for him to chose the least bad option of them all. They were all bad in different ways, but for this, they all equally sunk his hope of success down. We can't fail on this, he said. We have to make it right, he said. If we don't, then it's impossible to calculate the amount of damage it could do to humanity. We can't risk it.
At first, I could not care less about any of this, naturally. But I was on my break and he wasn't going to go without me engaging with him first. I am sure you will know what to do, I said, keeping my smile fixed as if nailed to my face. So very bored with all of this, like you wouldn't believe. What is this mission about anyway?
As soon I heard it, that is when I started working. You should have seen me, love. I was on fire! The words just came out of me! I laid it so thick and so sugary that not even your sweet tongue could have tolerated it. It would have made you sick to hear me say such things, but even more, I hope, the fact that they actually worked.
Oh, you are right, that is quite the problem!, I cried with him. If you can't trust those other angels with something like this, my goodness, then what does that say about the rest of us? Surely, my dear beloved friend, surely, you can think of other angel who are just as good at listening, just as good at talking to people, just as good at making friends as you need for this job. You are an incredible smart angel! That is why they chose you for this, no doubt! The fate of humanity itself is hanging by a thread and aren't we just lucky, aren't we just oh so blessed, to count with someone who is going to take it with the seriousness such a labor requires, someone like you. Are you sure you couldn't go do it yourself? I mean, who better for it?
Oh, right, because of your job. You need to be there in order to receive all of their reports and be on the look out in case Earth needs more intervention. Of course, how stupid of me. I deeply apologize for this lapse on judgement. We are all a lot better knowing that you are here taking care of us all. I don't know what I was thinking. I just can't imagine what other angel could there be out there who would truly appreciate what you are doing and will give it the respect that it deserves. Who out there could ever be half as smart as you are? Someone you could trust?
Gasp.
Me?
Oh. I guess I could take a few days off my little radio, if the reason is a good one. I can't imagine any other being as good as this one, indeed. But are you sure? Yes, I know that I interact with the winners daily and I know they perceive me as a friendly presence, but wouldn't be different there on Earth? Then again, I am updated on how Earth works currently thanks, again, to those interviews I have done on newly arrived souls. So I guess I am uniquely equipped on that regard, if you want to look at it like that. Not to mention, I have never made a single broadcast out of schedule, as I am sure you are aware. My sense of duty would never allow anything else. All of my worker Cherubs can tell you too that, even if something unexpected happens, I have been able to adapt and carry on the show to the best course possible.
But do you really think I could do it, my friend? Do you believe in me that much?
If that is the case, then I have no choice but to trust on your judgement. I too couldn't think of another single angel I could ever trust to think about something this important. If you believe me as the right heavenly being to carry on that task, then I guarantee I will do everything in my power to see it through.
It was so funny, love. By the end he was practically begging me to take it, to go down, do this, mark another victory for Heaven. I had no intention whatsoever to do any of that. I did not care at all about the state of the soul of this human I was being sent to guard.
In fact, I hoped to fail. Because this soul wasn't meant to create something that would benefit the rest of humanity. None of this was because of the good he could make, but rather the evil he could avoid making. In the best case escenario, as far my secretary friend is concerned, this man decided to join his local convent and become a priest. Not a great priest, just a priest. The average kind without great vices that doesn't abuse his power too much. But even if that didn't happened, if this man died as a normal man without any divine vocation, it would still be considered a win because that would be better than the alternative.
I am sure you know where this is going.
The alternative was you.
This man had been researching for so long to get in contact with you, in a wild chase to prove to himself that Our Father is real. If he got to do it, then he would indeed have the proof that Our Father does exist. There can't be a devil without a god to rebel to, right? Solid reasoning if I ever heard one.
He wouldn't know about how Our Father is a negligent absentee one who won't move a finger for his pain and suffering no matter how much he begs. He won't know about how neither of us has heard or know about him for so long or how some angels never even knew him at all. He won't know that if he does everything right, he won't even get to see him. But just the fact that He does exist, somewhere, doing something, and probably had something to do with his own existence, will be such a monumental change on perspective that the path of his entire life could change.
The problem with allowing that, however, is meeting you. And who knows what kind of horrible things you could convince this human to perform in order to satisfy your sick sense of entertainment? If he were to invoke any of your little other sins, another minor demon, nobody would care to impede it because they aren't you. You, who is outside of everything this Heaven is even able to understand, quantify and predict. You, who already broke with everything that was and made an entirely new will. You, our natural enemy. The evil we can't never allow ourselves to ever hurt humanity again.
The ways in which you could corrupt a human were still immensurable. It was too dangerous to let it be. Too many variables and one of them being you made the whole equation infinitely more impossible. And I?
I know you, of course. I know your tricks. I know how you think, how you talk. I can be prepared against everything that you throw my way. Yes, I know that we were friendly once upon a time, but we were never that close, not really. We just lived in the same room because it was convenient for both of us, but barely had any time together. Whatever that anyone says happened between us is nothing but the product of some unfortunate rumors I have been fighting off ever since the Fall.
If any of that was true, then I would have fallen with him, don't you think? I would have already shared his fate. He would have infected me already with his wickedness, and yet, here I am, standing bright and with my halo full.
If that isn't a testament to my own resilience in front of evil itself, then I don't know what could be. I can protect this human against your evil influence and, if I got the time, to guide him into building a better tomorrow for himself and others. All the damage you want to do, I can take it away. I can stop you.
And while I do, I will see your face. For the first time in millenia, I will hear your voice. If all I have to do in order to do that is to guard a human, then dear, call me a shepherd of men.
One man's soul is hardly any price I mind paying.
---
Looking up at the sky above, I can't help but wonder if maybe we were both a little too quick to dismiss your creation. It's true, they don't do much of anything. They are just point of lights hanging on an infinite mantel whose end humanity is never going to end. But maybe that is enough to be intriguing, love. When humans don't know something, it fills their feeble little minds with so many possibilities. Even if our father isn't there, at least some humans would think he is, just by looking what you left for them behind. Too bad they won't ever give you the credit for that as you deserve.
When I reached this place, it was night already. I was supposed to open the portal on the morning, but I am a through guardian angel, love, so of course I came early. The more time I spent here, the more easily I am going to be able to blend in with humans and be able to talk on a closer level with my assigned target. If I do that, it should be all the more easier to convince him to not summon you. At least that is what I plan to say on my report.
The truth is, I just simply couldn't wait. How could I go to sleep knowing you were just a few hours away? And maybe I also came here to admire your creations for a little bit too. When you come, would you be able to tell me their names again? That is quak something and that one is quack also something. Even if you can't contain yourself and list all of them, I will be sure to listen them and commit them to memory. Humans may not be able to know their true name, but I can.
As far I know, this is going to be your second or third time here. That is not to say that other humans haven't tried to contact you before, but very few had been successful. They didn't made the right sacrifice, they wrote the wrong symbols, their pentagram wasn't well made. Those little details that for an outsider didn't mean much, but it made all the difference. Other of your subjects would have come more often. If I don't remember badly, there is a type of demon whose whole deal is to feed on the energy of humans through indecent methods. They are allowed to come and go as they please for this one purpose.
I heard a couple of winners talking about them, but they were frustratingly vague as to how they did that. The going to Earth, dear, not the feeding, you silly goose. The average winner is not really adept to the workings of Hell. All of what they can tell me is that they don't want to go there. And how evil you are, of course, but how much weight can you give those words when they never exchanged a single word with you? They never saw you laugh at a dumb little joke until your eyes teared. They don't know about how your face wrinkled when you heard something unpleasant. Maybe you have changed, I am realistic enough to understand that, but at least I knew that version of you that was real and present at some point. One part of it has to be real.
Do you think that if I capture one and torture them for long enough, would I be able to acquire their same point of entry? How could I justify it to Heaven if I did? I am sure I would find the right justification if I needed to. You can't really hope to fight an enemy you don't know, so I had to know your domain. After you cruelly tricked me all those years ago to ignore your evillness, who could blame me if it became my mission to want to gather as much information as I could about you? With the purpose of destroying you, of course, what else? That way I would be able to warn humanity of how to better keep your malevolence away.
You think I should add a little something how I want to be of use for Heaven, in order to compensate for some misplaced sense of guilt because I didn't stopped you while I could? Or maybe that would be pressing it too much? Tricking one angel in order to be allowed here is one thing. An incredibly easy one at that. But the entire council could be a little tricker than that. I am sure that I could do it, but I would still need to find the right balance between their hatred of you and their distrust of me.
I know that guardian angels report their actions back themselves, for example. My stupid arrogant friend out there is not constantly watching over their shoulders to make sure they are doing exactly as they were supposed to. Likewise, despite what he himself may tell you, nobody is hovering over his shoulder. How closely are we looked at outside of Heaven? Most rules I know because my friend felt the need to repeat them to me until I could repeat them back to him.
Don't intervene with humanity, don't reveal the divine unless it was needed, don't interfere with their time of death without permission. But there are so many other things I could do outside of that or around that.
Would they get punished all the same? I know that if found at fault I would be expelled from Heaven, which would be highly inconvenient for me to carry out the rest of my plans, but I wouldn't be sent to you. I would just be trading one prison for another, still away from you, but also away from the one who separated us. I can't let that happen. I will not give her that satisfaction.
But if there is even a chance that this doesn't have to be our only encounter, I have to take it. In order to do it, I need to figure out my true limitations, exploit every blind spot that there could be. Our Father may see everything and know everything, but as long he doesn't share that information with anyone that can get in my way, he may as well be as ignorant as a wooden plank. Not even Seraphim can be on top of everything all the time. You are the proof of that. If you could escape her judging gaze, then so can I.
Remind me to look into all of this later, love.
For now, let me be liberal about the term "coming on time." Oh, I know that I should see my human and start talking them off contacting the devil in a reckless pursue. But I had to update my wardrove first! Emily has been a great help into getting me into human fashion, but the style I was wearing was a few years too late. I just couldn't go around walking like a man from decades past! Nobody could ever take me seriously like that! And then you got to have good shoes to go with it, of course. You see, love, Heaven was created before currencies were a thing, so stealing? Not a punishable offense for angels. Especially not when it was for the sake of something as vital as saving a man's future.
Oh, I also had to get a haircut, literally the first one I ever had in my entire existence, at the best barbershop I could find. It was a necessary component, I am sure you would agree. Then I felt like none of this was complete without a new cologne. What kind of gentleman would I be if I went to my first date unprepared like that? In my report, and as far anyone in Heaven cares about, every detail had to be perfect so I wouldn't alarm my human before I could even tell him I wasn't from Earth. But I guess we don't need to play coy among us.
I wanted you to see that I have not been rotting away in our room since you were away. Not at all, my love! I have been thriving, as you will very clearly see at a first glance. I was clean, cut, ironed and smelling to literally the only fragance that didn't made me gag at the store, which could only meant it was the best of them all. Your fall was unfortunate, yes, yes, but life goes on, dear!
Come on. Surely you didn't expect to never see me again, did you? As long as I exist, you were always at that risk, no matter where they sent you. I was always going to find you and everytime I do, you will see me at my best, at my most glorious, my most tempting. After all, you didn't marry any old bum, darling! If I ever get to see your eyes light up with the desire I remembered from before, then I will consider it a nice little bonus for me.
After I was fully converted into a normal, albeit handsome, man of this time period... Oh, what luck of ours, but there were so many critters that needed my help! Since the purpose of my creation was to look after the animals, you can't really blame me for doing after that! It was a calling, an unavoidable one, that I just couldn't turn off no matter how much I wanted to, so clearly, I was powerless to do anything but follow it.
That cat that end up in the tree, for example, chased by a bunch of dogs that mysteriously got lose from their leashes at the same time. Someone had to put all the dogs away and catch it on their arms! And the little cat had a collar with a plaque so, well, now I had to return them to their rightful owner for them to have something to eat in case of famine! And what after that, I had to help their neighbor to find their missing canary to get back on their cage to sing between bars till its death, just as our Father intended. Helping out to keep humanity at the top of the food chain, just as I was told to do, yes, indeedy!
Then, I will admit, I got a little confused. Goodness gracious me. This town was just too big and I was so new on it, darling, you understand. I was given a map but oh, how unlucky of me that at some point a dog confused it with a delicious steak and made it dissapear in front of my eyes. As you can imagine, even if divine, paper is not the most nutritious meal a carnivorous canine can have, so clearly duty established I had to help him out find a fat enough squirel for him to slaugher and eat their inside. He also had a plaque with his name. His owner was a lovely lady who just wouldn't accept a no for an answer as he invited me to take on a pie. She told me about how her spinster daughter would come back any moment with the groceries. Before I managed to get a word in, she told her age, her interest, about how beautiful she was, about some boyfriend lost at whatever war happened years ago.
I did not tell her that I was married already, even though I could, but rather that I would rather eat nails and chalks while drowning in blood and being eaten by alligators before even thinking about dating a disgusting loathsome human. I think she understood the hint clearly. She told me to get lost. That saved me to feed her pie to the plants at least.
Around the city, small emergencies like that kept me busy. What can I say, dear? I am nothing but a instrument of our Father and if I was made to make the lives of these animals a little easier, then I had to. On the third day of my staying on Earth, I saw the moon look so huge in the sky, surrounded by your little creations. My friend had told me that on the day of full moon is when my human would make the ritual.
Luckily, at the last possible second, I remembered the exact address where I had to go. I guess I didn't need that map after all!
From the outside, it looked like any other house in the block. When you came inside, it still looked like it. I didn't touch the door or knock or call attention to my presence, just in case it could disturb the human from doing whatever is that they were doing. A ritual for summoning something, for example. It would be rude to interrupt that. I watched the time on a grandfather clock while I inspected his living room. He lived alone, of course, sustained by the money of his parents, because only a man with that much free time would accumulate so many books of the occult and many theology related topic. There were at least five different version of the bible, one in German, another in Russian. I almost felt sorry for such a sad, sad life. Surely humans have created more interesting books since they made this one up, but this man was just too obssesed with proving father is out there to notice. Father is not even the good guy in many of these stories.
Yes, of course I read it too, dear. I was just curious to see how Our Father has allowed humans to think about him and I was not surprised by what I found. Both a horrible tyrant that will do anything that he pleases and should be praised for it and also a benevolent doting father who only wants the best for us all. Not contradictory at all, I said with sarcasm. I blow my tongue at this nonsense, love. But what else can you expect? We had the Speaker at least. Humans on Earth don't have not even that, so they are forced to imagine so many things. They were just trying to make sense out of everything, just as much as they can. It's not their fault they haven't learned yet what a useless endeavor it is. Maybe they are not even allowed to learn. That is why I am here, don't I?
But nevermind my nihilism, darling, did you hear a goat too?
Indeed, it's definitely a goat. He is calling me specifically from the basement. He knew I was here already and doesn't understand who or what I am, but somewhere in his being he feels like I am someone important and that is enough for him to try to call out for me. Whatever I can offer surely can't be worse than what he is going through currently.
As I open up the door to the basement, I send a simple signal for the goat to calm down already. I don't need to add an or else. All beasts are compelled to listen to me regardless to what I said. They know that is what they were made of, just as much as I know, even thought they may not have the words for it. This one goat understood that he was in danger, but more imporant than that, knew to obey me. Even Cherubs fall prey to the same charm, that is why they are such useful employees for me. Just a minor unexpected consequences left after our father used their physical forms as practice before actually forming the animals that would roam the Earth. There are other reason why I chose them, but that was one of the biggest ones.
I descended the stairs calmly, still hoping to go unnoticed. Has the ritual already started? I could hear the chanting going on. Such a curious combination of sumerian, latin and hebrew. How did humans ever came across the right formula? How many trial and error they performed before ever getting close to your ear? I pretended to be absorbed by the papers stuck to the wall while I let the human continue. You must have made yourself just as difficult to find as Our Father, dear. All around me I was seeing multiple lifetimes dedicated to this one purpose, changed from one hand to another. One single human probably could have never gone this far, but with the right aide... well, you are about to find out too, aren't you?
The chanting of this human almost made me chuckle. They praise how you stand up against Father, they see you as a symbol of self idiolatry, not a deviation from a established path, but a new path entirely, where they can get all the things the book they made inspired by our Father says they shouldn't. These are chants of worship, but they don't sound like you. They made their own narrative about you as much as they did of Father. I guess that was to be expected if you kept your distance, but it is amusing all the same. They may never hope to know you, really know you, as well as I do. Even if you changed somehow, that fact will remain true until the end of times.
The goat was supposed to be a sacrifice. He didn't like it and started thrasing against the ropes tied at his neck. I ordered him to calm down. One could say I did it out of a strong sense of compassion, but in truth, I was just tired of waiting around. Chop chop, little guy. I have a date to get to.
Once the animal calmed down, my human stabbed him seven times. Bit of an overkill, but that is what the ritual demanded, I suppose. Or the human really wanted to stab something alive. Either way, my human used the blood to paint more symbols in the floor. More chanting.
For a second there, all that happened is that the flames of his candles remained the same on their holders. I wondered if the human was planning to eat the goat or would mind if I did. It has been too long for me to actually eat Earth meat.
If this didn't work out, I may actually eat the human. Raw if I have to. For making me waste my time. For failing to bring you up. All of humanity has been nothing but useless or an obstacle for me, so may as well add dissapointment for the list...
I thought, right after the blood of the goat started to glow over the floor and I could see a white top hat rising from the center of that drawn star.
You were coming.
You were here.