Work Text:
Ana didn’t hear the turn of the key, Dane’s welcoming bark or the click of the apartment door closing as her earbuds were turned up louder than was healthy to drown out the mixer's noise while she sang her heart out. Tears burning in her eyes, she pulled the parchment-lined tray from the oven and set it on top of the nug-shaped trivets to cool. As she turned toward the bowl behind her to finish the buttercream frosting, she came to a halt as she caught sight of someone in her peripheral.
"Cullen!" she gasped, a mitt-covered hand pressing over her heart before she recovered and pulled her earbuds out. "I didn't hear you come in."
The sudden sight of him standing on the opposite side of the counter had caused her to jump as her heart had begun to race—not that it needed much prompting when it came to her best friend's elder brother. Rosalie could've mentioned how attractive he is, she thought to herself for the hundredth time as she quickly glanced over him.
He wore a well-tailored leather jacket over a pressed button-down of maroon and gold plaid that was tucked into a pair of dark-wash denim that fell to his favored lace-up leather boots. Maker, he's so—but her thoughts were cut short as she caught the forlorn look in his amber eyes before he schooled his face into its usual stoic demeanor as his Adam's apple bobbed with a clearing of his throat.
"Is everything all right?" she gently probed, "I wasn't expecting you back until later."
"Apologies," was all he offered as he petted Dane's—who'd come to greet him—head until the mabari worked his way back to his giant dog bed and flopped down with a sigh. Cullen's gold-brown eyes looked about the kitchen. "What are you up to?"
Ana's cheeks reddened at the disaster surrounding her. She'd made quite a mess of the kitchen, but that wasn't even the most embarrassing part. "I'm nervous baking ahead of Saturday," she admitted with a self-deprecative chuckle. That was only part of what was bothering her, but he didn't need to know the rest. "I know it's a mess."
Despite himself, Cullen's lips curved in a half-grin. "And? You live here, too, Ana." He pointed out as he shook off his jacket and draped it over the back of the barstool and made for the fridge to pull out a soda bottle. "If this helps you, I certainly have no objection." Popping off the cap, he sat and took a long pull before setting it down and asking, "What are you nervous about?"
"Bran and Liz are taste-testing my cakes. They're considering using me for the wedding cake and dessert table. I've never done a wedding before, so I started panicking."
"I'm sure you have nothing to worry about," he offered, "They're easy-going people."
"I keep telling myself that," Ana conceded, "but they've treated me like family since..." She turned away to hide behind a piece of her hair that had fallen out of her clip. She swallowed thickly and fought down the tears that began to burn. "I don't want to repay that kindness with less than my best work for their wedding day." She sighed. "I guess that's how I ended up with…" she silently counted the numerous small cakes she'd made, a few of them coated in a thin layer of frosting, her finger moving through the air. "A dozen cakes?"
Cullen chortled a laugh before saying, "At least one of us had a productive evening." Surprise flitted over his features for a moment as he realized what he'd accidentally admitted. He cleared his throat again as he busied himself with another sip of his drink.
Ana studied him a moment. "That bad?" she questioned, knowing he'd understand she was inquiring about his date.
His nose scrunched in agitation. "Mia was right. That irritates me more."
"Brothers," Ana snorted as she rolled her eyes and turned back to the mixing bowl. “You do realize we give you advice because we love you?”
“Why will she feel the need to rub it in, then?” He countered, humor lacing the warm tones of his voice.
“It’s an elder sister’s right,” Ana shrugged as she measured out the vanilla and added it to the creamed butter and sugar.
Cullen let out a breathy chuckle. “I suppose it is. Is that how you are with Will?”
Ana stopped short as she went to add a pinch of salt, the sound of his name like a sudden vice grip around her heart. Had she not told him? Had she made the mistake yet again of talking about him like he was still… “I…was. He—Did I not…" She turned slowly to him. "Cullen…Will died.”
Shock broke over his face. It was quickly followed by realization, sorrow and sympathy. “Oh, I…I didn’t real—I didn’t mean…Ana, I didn't know. I’m sorry.” Silence fell between them for a few heartbeats. “May I ask how?”
She couldn't bring herself to meet his kind eyes, a part of her wanting that kindness to mean something more than it did, so she turned away to collect herself. She tried to keep the memories at bay: the closed casket, the venomous looks from her parents and extended family, Maxwell's absence, him. She'd stayed for Will's sake, not wanting him to be alone with those vultures to peck at what remained of him and use him to their own benefit. It hadn't stopped them, but she'd born witness to their exploitation and given Will an honest voice in her eulogy. It'd had nothing to do with the Trevelyan name. He'd done what he'd done because Will was a good man who was willing to do what few would—including sacrificing himself to save another.
“The floor gave way beneath him in an apartment fire. He broke his femur in the fall,” Ana said, forcing her voice to be controlled, “He had a toddler in his arms when he fell. He protected her and gave her his oxygen until his partner found him. The building was coming down. He told his partner to leave him and save her.”
Silence fell between them again. Ana knew she shouldn’t say the next words, but she couldn’t stop them. Cullen was a firefighter. A fire chief now—the youngest his department had ever appointed at the age of thirty—but he’d been on the frontline. She couldn’t help but feel he’d understand.
“A hero, right? I should be proud, shouldn’t I?” Despite her fighting them, the tears fell. “I am. Truly. But…”
“Heroism does not lessen the sorrow.”
Ana turned, tears hot on her cheeks as she dejectedly met his eyes and nodded. He held her gaze, the gold flecks turning molten with empathy. Cullen did understand. Understood so well that she could almost make out the ghost of a memory in his eyes.
“You want him back.”
“More than anything.”
Cullen looked away with a nod before taking another drink, his jaw flickering as he clenched it. Ana noticed the bottle move with a tremor.
His hand was shaking.
“You lost someone?” Ana pressed, voice thick.
His eyes met hers. Their usual softness had an edge to them. A warning. She was treading near an area she was not yet welcome.
"I did. I’ll spare you knowing more." He stood, then, but paused. His shoulders fell almost imperceptibly. He turned to look at her again, his eyes having softened once more. "Forgive me, Ana. I…it…I prefer not to speak of it.” He turned away, rubbing the back of his neck before he closed his eyes tightly and sighed out of his nose. "I should not have gone tonight," he admitted, "The…anniversary is approaching. I had hoped for a distraction." Ana blushed deeply at his words. He gave her a confused look before his eyes widened and his ears reddened, realizing the unintentional insinuation he'd made. “Maker's breath, not of that sort. I meant only something that would take my mind off it. Conversation. Noise. A change in scenery. But…well, it was hardly fair to her, even if she had been better company. I would have asked Rylen or Barris to meet, but..."
"They were on dates of their own," Ana finished for him knowing it was the likely truth.
Cullen looked at her sheepishly, his mouth curving with a ghost of a smile. "Yes."
Ana assessed him. He was fighting with himself. His body aimed toward his bedroom, but his eyes on her. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. His memories. She understood.
“How about I clean up,” she began, “and then we can play some chess while we drown our sorrows with one of these cakes?”
She had to fight back the flitting in her stomach roused at the way his face lit up with this offer. “If you're sure?”
Ana flashed him a brilliant smile. “Absolutely. Your sisters are staying at Bran’s to help Liz with wedding planning and to get the rest of their stuff packed up. I need to not be in the kitchen but I’m too wound to sleep. And since Mia and Rose aren't here to make me, I could use a," a mischievous grin pulled her lips, "distraction."
Cullen snickered at her good-natured jab as he rolled his sleeves up to his elbows and moved toward her. His warm gold-brown eyes met hers, his lips curved with a smile. "I'll help you clean up."
Together they'd made quick work of the kitchen nearly all traces of Ana's mess tidied away. Ana had connected her phone to her speaker to blast music while they cleaned. Cullen had grumbled at her song choices, but Ana had simply smiled and sung louder as she kept scrubbing the dishes he brought her, flicking soap at him. Until she'd caught him mouthing the words and trying not to dance to the beat. He'd looked at her out of the corner of his eye and realized he'd been caught, ignoring the smug look she'd given him. Laughing, she'd bumped her elbow into his in a teasing way. His breathy chuckle covered over the jolt Ana had felt shoot through her at the contact that had made her blush. Oblivious, he'd started singing along with her.
Presently, they sat across from each other on the leather couch with Cullen's chessboard between them, empty plates sat nearby on the coffee table. Ana had a cup of tea in her hand, sipping on it absentmindedly as she waited for Cullen to make his move. She was quite content to sit there forever: warm beneath a soft blanket, Cullen's mabari resting his great head on her foot as he lay on the floor next to them, enjoying her favorite tea, and free to look upon the most handsome man she'd ever seen as he continued to be absorbed in planning out his next moves.
How the woman he'd gone out on a date with had let him slip through her fingers, Ana would never understand. Not only was he handsome on the outside, but also in the few months she'd been living here with him and his sisters she'd quickly come to realize he was a genuinely good man. Something Ana found refreshing in ways she couldn't quite articulate. It drew her to him, yes, but it was more than attraction. It soothed that part of her that missed Will. When her brother had died, the world had grown colorless and dim. Made worse when he—when Sebastian—had broken her heart and her family had blamed her. She'd lost hope, felt alone and lost.
But here in this apartment, little by little, she was starting to feel like herself again.
Late nights spent laughing and gabbing with Mia and Rosalie about anything and everything until the sounds of Cullen's recurring nightmares reached them through the walls causing his sisters to exchange a knowing glance. The days Ana didn't have orders to fill and Cullen was off-duty and home had been spent learning chess from him, reading in comfortable silence, or watching movies. They getting to know each other at a gentle pace and growing ever more comfortable with one another as their friendship deepened. When Mia and Rosalie were home in the evenings, they'd sit around the dining table and play board games that became way too competitive between Cullen and his elder sister. On the weekends, they'd go to the local chantry and be joined by Cullen's best friends and fellow firemen, Rylen and Barris, for a big dinner. And when Bran and Liz also joined them, they were nothing short of a rowdy, loving family. Ana had never known such. And hadn't known such safety and trust since before Will had died.
They were good people. All of them. Genuine. Salt of the earth. The Rutherfords had given her a place to steady herself and heal. Had welcomed her and loved her like a sister.
Had given her hope.
It was why she had to stamp out this growing attraction to the man across from her. She could not repay Mia and Rosalie's kindness and love with betrayal. She could not betray their trust, their care, by falling in love with their brother. Cullen's knee pressed against Ana's as he readjusted in his seat sending a wave of pleasant sparks through her.
"I'm sorry," he said as he realized and flicked his eyes up to her before moving his knee, the tips of his ears turning pink.
As difficult as that is going to be, she thought to herself.
He picked up his knight piece and moved it in it's L-shape to claim another of her pawns. "If I did not mention it, the cake was delicious."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Ana smiled as she set her cup down.
"Very much so," he stated assuredly, "Thank you."
She moved another of her pieces, not really caring whether it was a good move or not. She could tell he would want to play again whether she won or lost. They'd sat in comfortable silence, only trading good-natured jabs here and there as they played their game. A moment to unwind.
"Will you be bringing a date to the wedding?" he questioned.
"No," Ana answered too quickly, earning the return of his eyes on her. Heat rose in her face at his perusal. "I, um…" She squirmed a little as he kept looking at her. "I was in a relationship that was…well, I thought it was more serious than it turned out to be."
His eyes searched her face as he put the pieces together. He was too perceptive sometimes. "He hurt you."
She averted her eyes and nodded. "He cheated." She fought back the quivering in her lip as the memory resurfaced with a joyless grin. "Turned out he had been cheating on me all along. Our families wanted us together. He knew we looked good on paper, but…" Her lip kept trembling and she bit it to keep a shaky breath from slipping out. "I was never what he wanted, just the second choice." A sardonic laugh escaped at the same time the tears did. "No wonder my family loved him so much." Remembering herself, Ana quickly swiped at her cheeks. "I'm sorry, you didn't need to know all of that."
Cullen was quiet as he continued to study her, their game forgotten. "Forgive me if it's not for me to say, but he does not deserve your tears."
"So, you won't be shedding any tears over exes, then, I take it?"
His lips twitched at her teasing tone lacing her thick voice. "I'm afraid not. Not that I have any." He looked away and then flicked his eyes back. "Unless you count recent dates."
Despite herself, Ana laughed. "You don't have exes? I don't believe that for a second."
He shrugged as his fingers moved toward a chess piece. "Allow me to disappoint you."
"Well, I know it's not from a lack of opportunity," Ana stated before she thought better of it, "so, what's the reason?"
Ana caught the way his hand froze over the piece and saw the slight tremor that began with the question. "You asked if I'd lost someone. I told you I had." She was confused for a moment as to how the two things were related until the horrifying realization began to dawn on her. "But not talking about it is what led to…" He closed his eyes and shame flit over his face before those soulful eyes met hers, a mixture of sorrow and resoluteness in them. "She died in a fire. She and the entire company I was part of. She was a science professor. The university she worked at was targeted. A second blast knocked me into the stairwell and cut me off from them." He averted his gaze. "I could hear their screams." He turned his face completely away from Ana. "The last time I heard her voice was as she was screaming for the Maker…and me."
His hands were shaking in earnest as they balled into fists on his thighs. Dane whimpered at Ana's feet before standing and going to sit before Cullen, his intelligent eyes flicking back and forth between he and Ana.
Instinctively, Ana reached out to place a hand over Cullen's to offer comfort. "I am…so very sorry, Cullen."
"Don't," he bit and Ana paused her movement. He relented, his shoulders falling as his voice dropped. "I failed them. My friends burned. The woman I loved was taken by the very thing I was supposed to protect her from. Save her from." He turned toward her, eyes both angry and pleading. "How can you be the same person after that?"
He wanted her to see him as he saw himself: a failure beyond redemption. Instead, she saw a man carrying the weight of those he'd lost doubled by the belief that it was his fault. But she knew the truth to his question, having asked herself the same thing in the wake of all she'd lost.
Hesitantly, Ana put her hand on his shoulder. "We can't be. Not fully." He closed his eyes and nodded. "But we can and have to move forward. To keep living. In remembrance of those we've loved and lost."
He looked down at his hands. "And that is why I keep fighting fires."
Ana dared to ask the same question Rosalie had when she'd asked Ana to move with them: "But are you living, Cullen?"
Slowly, the rage leeched from his face to give way to resignation. "No." His eyes met Ana's sheepishly, his voice quiet, raw. "I'm not sure that's even possible. That I even know how to."
"I'm not sure, either," Ana admitted, "But I'll tell you that I've never had hope like I have now, since being here, that it might be."
They held each other's gaze for longer than was polite. Ana's hand still on his shoulder, they having moved closer together without either realizing as their thighs pressed together. Reality returning, they quickly stood and separated. A jumble of emotions in their chests, they avoided each other's gazes. Ana tugged on that piece of her hair that she often hid behind and soothed herself with while Cullen rubbed at the side of his neck.
"We should—"
"I should—"
They looked at one another, then. Cullen's eyes grew soft as Ana's lips curved in a gentle smile.
"Goodnight, Ana." He looked at her warmly. "And thank you for the…distraction."
"Any time," Ana smiled. "Goodnight, Cullen."
Turning, they went to their separate rooms only to lie awake as they offered silent prayers to the Maker that a future spent living would come to pass.