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Katsuki’s face falls as soon as Izuku walks into the room. It’s not like he’s been smiling all this time, but he hasn’t been glaring at anyone, either.
“What the hell are you–”
“Izuku!” Mitsuki welcomes his old childhood friend with a hug, and Katsuki glares daggers at her. Izuku looks at him over his mothers shoulder, smiling. Mitsuki pulls away and looks at Katsuki. “I invited him, of course! You can’t leave him out, Katsuki.”
Katsuki clenches his jaw, but he isn’t about to start an argument with his mother in front of his friends. “What-fucking-ever.” He grumbles, stomping over to the couch and sitting down with his arms crossed. His friends get up to greet Izuku, and Eijiro moves closer to him on the couch.
“You alright, man? I’m sure he won’t be much trouble. If you really don’t want him here we can–”
“‘S fine.” Katsuki mutters. He and Izuku aren’t close by any standard, but recently they’ve gotten closer to it than ever before. Katsuki had contemplated–considered for a second and only a second inviting Izuku, but shut down that idea quickly. He already had enough of dealing with Mina and Denki’s comments–now they would be back in full force.
They play Mario Kart first, but only four people can play at once. Kyoka, Katsuki and Izuku take the backseat as they watch the others play, and Mitsuki leans on the couch behind them to watch. “Oh, Izuku, I’ve put your stuff in the guest room.” The guest room. Where Katsuki is sleeping, on the couch.
“What?” Katsuki yells, turning around, directing the attention of his friends. “What the hell do you mean the guest room?”
“Well, there isn’t enough room in here for all of you. And you’ve already opted to sleep in there, so I thought I’d give you some company.” Katsuki scowls as Mitsuki grins and Izuku thanks her profusely, apologising for not moving his stuff beforehand.
Katsuki snatches the joycon from Eijiro when he asks to sit out, and Izuku sits down next to him on the floor, his knee bumping Katsuki as he takes Denki’s joycon.
Luckily, Katsuki knows Izuku is hopeless at Mario Kart, and he’s soon proven to be correct. Izuku can barely drift—he only hops around aimlessly—and he’s also fucking great at falling off the map. Katsuki laughs every time, and doesn’t even get mad when he places below first.
Mina puts her joycon down and sits down next to Eijiro, getting close to him. Katsuki watches, and scoffs. “Don’t do anything inappropriate on my fucking couch, perverts.”
Mina rolls her eyes. “Don’t be such a prude, Bakugo. You won’t be saying that when you sleep in the same room as Izuku later.”
Katsuki rolls his eyes and returns to the game, while Izuku looks at him. “What, nerd?”
“Oh, nothing. Sorry.” Izuku looks away and they play another game, this time with Kyoka joining in and Hanta sitting out.
Izuku keeps stealing glances at Katsuki as he continues to play, and Katsuki wins. He shoves the joycon in Eijiro’s face to split him and Mina up and goes into the kitchen to help his mother with dinner.
“Are you alright, Katsuki?” Mitsuki asks, looking at him as he chops up vegetables aggressively. “If you really don’t want Izuku in—“
“It’s fine.” Katsuki says through gritted teeth, slamming the knife against the chopping board again.
Mitsuki sighs. “It doesn’t seem fine.”
Katsuki sighs, putting the knife down. “There’s just…a lot on my mind now.” He mutters, leaning against his arm on the counter. “That’s it.”
“Are you sure?” She asks. “Whatever it is, Katsuki, you can talk to me.”
Katsuki looks at his mother, and can see her sincerity through the eyes they share. “Yeah. I’m sure. Just—excuse me.” He turns around, heading straight for the bathroom, one not shown to their guests. He enters the guest room, then the bathroom attached, and sits on the floor as the door clicks shut behind him.
Katsuki pulls his knees to his chest, staring at the floor as his vision gets blurry. His mind drifts to Mina and Eijiro, the things he’s heard about their budding relationship, and he scowls, kicking the trashcan.
He’s been feeling like this for a while. Alienated. Like he doesn’t belong, but he’s not quite sure why. It’s weird, because he knows he’s been in love before. Hell, he might even be in love now, since his heart keeps doing flips whenever Izuku smiles, and his eyes linger for far too long on the idiot’s face or muscles or whatever.
But it’s not the same, is it? Every time he’s been locked up with Mina, she’s talked on and on about her attraction to Eijiro, and Eijiro’s talked about his attraction to her, and Katsuki feels…odd.
Because that’s not him. He doesn’t feel that type of attraction at all. Of course, the two haven’t had sex yet—most people leave it until they’re 18, even though the legal age is 16–but others their age have. And, now Katsuki’s only one year away from going to clubs and having one-night stands.
He can't even see himself doing that. Every time he thinks of himself in a sexual situation he pulls a face and feels sick to his stomach. He can’t even imagine the person he would be in that situation with—they’re just a nameless, faceless person.
Even so, the other things boys his age do alone don’t apply to him either. In fact, he actively removes himself from those conversations, especially when he’s overhearing them in the changing rooms. He gets disgusted even at the thought of doing anything of the like, and nobody else his age feels that way too, do they?
He’s researched it twice, and both times he’s felt too uncomfortable to keep searching, because discovering he’s gay was bad enough, and he’s only told Eijiro and hinted it to Izuku a month ago. But discovering a whole new part of himself nobody else around him also feels? He’d seen the kind of discrimination asexual people faced, and he’d also seen how many people ran away from people like that.
Despite his attitudes towards most people, he does want someone to be with him in the future. And he does want to be held, and loved, and kissed, and talked to like he’s worthwhile, even though it’s sappy. Katsuki doesn’t do sappy. He wants to, unfortunately.
Will anyone want to do that with him? It’s not like he’s a majority of the population—no, asexual people only make up, what, 5% of the population? If Katsuki can’t give people what they want, will they even waste their breath on him?
“Fuck,” he mutters, a choked sob escaping his throat. He lets the tears fall now, his vision clearing as drops fall on the tiled floor beneath him.
“Kacchan?” His eyes widen at the voice on the other side of the closed door and he stands up, wiping his eyes. “Are you alright?”
“Go away, Deku.” He crosses to the sink and splashes his face with cold water, then leans against it, staring at himself in the mirror.
“Are you okay? I heard—“
“Go away.” Katsuki says, hoping his voice holds some bite, but he fails. It’s wobbling at the edges, like he’s barely holding himself together. Which is probably a tell that he is. But Katsuki always holds himself together—why can’t he do that now? Why over something so trivial, something about love—a thing nobody suspects Katsuki is even capable of feeling?
Silence falls, until Izuku’s voice breaks through the tense air. “I won’t open the door, but I won’t go away until I know you’re okay, Kacchan.”
Katsuki clicks his tongue and stands up, walking over to the door and yanking it open. Izuku stares at him from the other side, and his eyes widen as he notices Katsuki’s bloodshot eyes. “Kacchan—“
“Move.” Katsuki orders, pushing Izuku aside and entering the room, busying himself with sorting out the couch for him to sleep on it later. “Leave, Deku.”
“You’re not okay, Kacchan.” Katsuki clenches his jaw. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s fucking wrong, Izuku, now go—“
“I know that you’re, like, gay. If you are. I got the hint the other week.” Izuku says quietly. “Are you worried about that? I’m sure the others and your parents—“
“That’s the least of my concerns right now.” Katsuki says truthfully, putting the pillows at one end of the couch.
Izuku’s gaze is still attached to his back. “Then…what is it? Is it something similar?” He asks.
Katsuki doesn’t answer. “Is that a yes?”
“Fuck off.” Katsuki says.
“That’s a yes?” Katsuki turns and glares at Izuku. “Kacchan, I won’t judge you for anything—“
“Just go away—“
“I’m serious, really.” Izuku says. Katsuki stares at him, avoiding his eyes because he knows there will only be hope and praise in them. He doesn’t deserve any of that. “Is it to do with your gender?” He asks quietly.
“No.” Katsuki says.
“…Sexuality?”
Katsuki’s voice contorts before it relaxes. “Kind of.”
“Kind of?” Katsuki turns around again, fluffing up his pillows. “Who you like?” Katsuki shakes his head. “…How you like someone?”
“Deku—“
“Are you asexual?” Izuku asks. Katsuki freezes, as Izuku’s gaze pierces through his back. “Kacchan—“
“Get out.” Katsuki says firmly. The pity breaking Izuku’s voice is too much for him to handle right now, and he can already feel the corner of his eyes prick with tears. “Get out, Deku—“
“Kacc—“
“Get out!” Katsuki yells, whirling around. Izuku looks at him, then bows his head and turns, leaving the room through the open door. Katsuki can hear voices down the hall, voices that heard his yell and nothing else—hopefully.
Katsuki slouches on the couch, his head falling in his hands. It might as well be cut off now—the thoughts swimming are too much to bear. Izuku pities him. Izuku always pities him.
He hasn’t apologised for everything yet. He intends to, time and time again, but the words never quite make it out of his throat. He knows that if they do, when they do, he’ll never be able to stop saying them. It’s been made obvious that Izuku forgives him, but he doesn’t believe he should be forgiven at all.
Katsuki wipes his tears and splashes his face in the bathroom again before he goes back into the front room. The others send him pointed looks and he ignores them, cutting up the vegetables again. His mother looks at him worriedly and he ignores her.
Once he’s finished with the vegetables, he puts the knife in the dishwasher and his mother speaks up, “Go play with your friends, Katsuki.”
“Whatever.” He mutters, turning around and sitting down on the couch once he reaches it. His friends glance at him before they go back to playing—Mario Party this time.
Izuku keeps fucking looking at him. All the time. Even hours later, when they’re sitting at the dinner table. Even when Katsuki scowls when Eijiro and Denki and Hanta prance into the room with his cake, singing to him. He blows out the candles that form the number 17 and Izuku continues to look at him.
They watch a movie that Katsuki pays barely any attention to and he gets up at the end, saying goodnight to the others after his parents have already gone up to bed. They pout and say he should stay there longer—it is his birthday, after all—and all he tells them is that they shouldn’t play any weird shit on his YouTube account.
Izuku follows him to the guest room. “Stay with the other idiots—“
“I’m tired too.” Izuku interrupts him. Katsuki stops and turns, while Izuku only blinks at him.
“Whatever.” Katsuki pushes the door of the guest room open when they reach it, and sits down on the couch, grabbing the TV remote. Izuku looks at him, then at the bed. “Take it.”
“But—“
“Just fucking take it, Deku. Unless you want to share it?” Izuku’s face goes red and he makes his way towards the bed immediately.
Katsuki lays down on his side, not even bothering to change his clothes. He stares at the TV as it lands on the loading screen, and doesn’t do anything to change it. “…Kacchan?”
Katsuki groans. “What?”
“…You know I don’t—judge you, right? You can talk to me about anything.” Katsuki continues to stare at the TV, and Izuku’s weight on the bed moves from the top of it to the end of it. “I’m serious.” His voice is closer now, and Katsuki jumps when he looks up and Izuku is looking over the edge.
“What the fuck, Deku—go away.” He says, turning onto his side again. Izuku slips off the bed and sits on the opposite end of the couch. “Fuck off—“
“You can talk to me.” He repeats. “I mean, I don’t know exactly how you feel but I felt a similar way when I found out I was—gay.” He pauses before he says the last word, and Katsuki stares at him.
“You’re gay.” Katsuki says. Izuku nods. “Like—gay. Not bisexual or anything?”
“Gay.” Izuku confirms, pulling his knees up to his chest. “…What are you worried about?”
“Fuck off.”
“You are asexual, aren’t you?” Katsuki pauses, then nods once. “What’re you worried about?” Izuku repeats.
“The hell do you think?” Katsuki snaps. Izuku doesn’t even flinch. “You do know what that means, right?”
“You don’t feel sexual attraction. If you’re on the extreme end of the spectrum.” Katsuki sighs, sitting up and leaning his head against the bed, facing the TV and not Izuku. “Not everyone wants sex.”
“A hell of a lot of people do.” Katsuki says. “And some don’t want it, but still feel attraction because they’re normal—“
“You are normal.” Izuku says. Katsuki cranes his head to look at him. “And, if you aren’t, then nobody is because everyone is different.”
“Stop getting so philosophical.” Katsuki scolds, looking back at the TV. Izuku moves closer. “Deku—“
“Kacchan.” Katsuki looks at Izuku out of the corner of his eye. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. Nobody wants to be dissatisfied in a relationship.” Katsuki says, “Nobody wants to just—not get what they want because they’ve chosen to be with someone who’s broken.”
“You’re not broken.” Izuku mutters. “Not because of that. Broken things can be fixed. This can’t.”
“I want it to be fixed.” Katsuki whispers, tears forming in his eyes. He looks away and wipes them.
“I know you do. But, you can’t, and if you want to be able to be okay with yourself you need to understand that people care about and love you regardless.” Izuku says, moving closer and putting a hand on Katsuki’s shoulder. “Does your mom know?”
“Hell no. She doesn’t even know I’m gay.” Katsuki says, “I know she won’t care and she’ll be fine with it, I just—haven’t told her. I haven’t got shit to show for it, have I?”
Izuku frowns. “Have you ever been in love with someone?”
If this was a fairytale, Katsuki would’ve turned to Izuku the moment he said that and said, “Yes, because I’m in love with you and I have been for a long time.” Instead, he looks away and shrugs.
“Is that a yes or a no?”
“It’s an I don’t know so stop fucking pestering me about it, damn Deku.” Katsuki snaps. Izuku doesn’t move away. “Why the hell do you never get scared away, idiot?”
Izuku scoffs, the sound much less bitter than Katsuki could’ve ever expected. “I wouldn’t ever be scared of you, Kacchan.”
“Even after everything I said to you? You’ve got to be really fucking odd if you don’t get scared away by someone telling you to jump off the roof of a building!” Katsuki yells. Izuku looks at him, unblinking. Katsuki’s anger simmers and he stares at Izuku. “Shit–sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“Yes, Deku! Sorry!” Katsuki gets up, his hands moving to his hair, almost ripping it out in chunks. “Sorry because I’m a terrible, shitty person and I’ve hurt you and you just sit there and take it! Why don’t you fight back?!”
“Kacchan–”
“No. I’m not done.” Izuku shuts his mouth. “I’m sorry. I really am. And fuck–this probably sounds insincere as hell because I never know how to apologise and my words never come out right and now I’m rambling like you but I’m really, really fucking sorry. For everything. Everything I’ve done. And you shouldn’t be here, because I don’t deserve to be in the same room after all I’ve done. Abusing you, physically and emotionally. Telling you to jump off the roof of a building.” He aches to tell Izuku he didn’t mean it, that he climbed up to the roof to check if Izuku actually was going to do it, only to see him down at the bottom, fishing his notebook out of the koi pond. He stayed up there for hours, way past his bedtime, hiding from security guards, just in case Izuku would climb up to the roof. Every time he tried to leave, a voice at the back of his head told him that once he did leave, Izuku would take his chance and jump.
He doesn’t tell Izuku. He doesn’t deserve anything from Izuku, and he doesn’t want any fucking brownie points. “I’ve done so much shit to you, and I’m so–I’m so fucking sorry, Izuku.”
He doesn’t realise Izuku’s halfway across the room when calloused hands grab both sides of his face. He stares at Izuku and frowns. “I forgave you a long time ago, Kacchan. Your actions speak louder than your words.”
“What fucking–”
“You know what. There are too many to list.” Izuku whispers. “I forgave you a long time ago, so you don’t need to worry.”
Katsuki stares at Izuku, who just pulls him into his arms. Katsuki leans into the touch, his chin resting on Izuku’s shoulder. “Shitty birthday. I’m making it all emotional.”
Izuku scoffs. “It’s supposed to be all about you. And, I don’t think people will be deterred from loving you just because you’re asexual.”
“Mhm. And how could you possibly know that, Izuku?” Katsuki asks into his shoulder.
“Because…I…love you.” Izuku says slowly. Katsuki freezes. “And I don’t care–well, I do, but…not in the way you think. People love others for all that person can give to them, not for what they can’t give to them.”
Katsuki pulls back and stares at Izuku. “Are you an idiot?”
“Probably.” Izuku chuckles. “But–do–” He clears his throat. “--do you love me…too?”
Yes. That’s the first answer that springs to Katsuki’s mind. But, there’s still a voice at the back of his head telling him that, down the line, Izuku will become bored of him, and dissatisfied, no matter how much he loves him. Katsuki’s seventeen. Izuku’s sixteen. Izuku hasn’t had sex yet. If he chooses Katsuki for life, he’ll never have it. And he wants to, doesn’t he? “I–” Katsuki looks down. “Yes.” He says quickly, so Izuku doesn’t leave before he has the chance to undo anything he’s about to say. Izuku sucks in a heavy breath. “But, I can’t–”
“Kacchan.” Izuku cuts him off. “What did I say?”
“People love others for what that person can give them.” Katsuki echoes. “Izuku, you’re not asexual.” It’s more a question than a statement.
Izuku swallows a lump in his throat. “I’m not.”
“So you want to have it? You have sexual attraction towards people.”
“Kacchan–”
“So being with me means that you’ll be dissatisfied, that–”
“Kacchan, I could never be dissatisfied with you. You think that everything else about you doesn’t make up for everything in the world?” Izuku asks, “I don’t care, because sex doesn’t make someone be rated higher in any of my books. I don’t need to have sex with you to want to be with you, or to love you, or to stay with you for the rest of our lives.”
Katsuki stares at him. “Are you sure?”
“Kacchan.” Izuku says.
“Okay.” Katsuki mutters. “Okay, I–I got it. I might be really annoying and make you remind me.” Izuku rolls his eyes and pulls him back into his arms. Soon, Katsuki’s been dragged to his bed and he’s laying down, head in Izuku’s chest as the other boy has his arms wrapped around him.
“You’re really warm.”
“Mm. My quirk.” Katsuki mumbles, pushing his head further into Izuku’s chest.
“What are you doing? Fusing with me?” Izuku teases. Katsuki huffs and jabs his finger into Izuku’s shoulder. “Hey!” Izuku laughs, pulling Katsuki impossibly closer. “We can fuse if you want.”
“Tch. Like I’d want to fuse with your ass.” Katsuki looks up, and stills when he feels Izuku’s breath on his lips. Izuku tenses, too. Katsuki doesn’t pull away and, for some reason, Izuku doesn’t either. They get closer and closer until Katsuki surges forward and presses his lips against Izuku’s.
Their first kiss isn’t good. It’s a mess of lips and teeth, and Katsuki doesn’t really know where to put his hands. He keeps them on Izuku’s face, which feels is best right now, and tilts his head slightly. Is this what they do in the movies?
Izuku cups Katsuki’s face, more confident than the other boy. Katsuki isn’t sure why–he knows from conversations in the past that Izuku’s never kissed anyone before. Unless he did in the time between that conversation on Valentine’s Day and now?
Katsuki keeps kissing him, even with his mind somewhere else. Izuku pulls away. “You okay?”
“Huh?” Katsuki blinks, immediately mourning the contact on his lips. “What?”
“You seem like you’re thinking. It’s very loud.” Katsuki stalls. Has he messed it up? “It’s not a bad thing. Are you alright?”
“You haven’t kissed anyone before, right?” Katsuki asks.
“No. Apart from two seconds ago.” Izuku smiles. “Why?” Katsuki just kisses him again, trying to ignore Izuku catching onto his jealousy. Izuku pulls him on top of him, allowing him to be mostly in control of what’s happening, and Katsuki continues to kiss him.
It’s just their lips on each others’. That’s it right now. That’s all Katsuki wants to do, and it’s what he hopes Izuku is okay with. The voice in the back of his head is getting quieter now, but it’s still there. It quiets when Izuku’s hand twists Katsuki’s shirt and he tips his head back a little, for Katsuki to get a better angle. “‘M really shit at kissing, by the way.” Katsuki pulls back to murmur.
“I don’t think so.” Izuku pulls him back, and they kiss again. Katsuki parts his lips, and jumps away when the door opens, rolling off of Izuku immediately.
“Katsuki? You asleep?” His mother asks, through a small gap in the door. “I heard some yelling down here from your friends, but they said you went to sleep a while ago.”
“I was about to until you came in.” Katsuki grumbles.
His mother huffs. “Have some fun, Katsuki. Izuku, are you okay?”
“Yeah, thanks!” Izuku says with a grin, and Katsuki almost snorts at his attempt to hide his lost breath. Izuku glares at him in response.
“Alright. Night, boys.” Katsuki rolls his eyes as Izuku wishes his mother goodnight, and the door closes. They both sit in bed, staring into space and avoiding looking at one another.
“Way to kill the mood.” Katsuki mumbles. Izuku laughs, and Katsuki looks at him. “Was it…”
“Good.” Izuku offers. “Very good.”
“Okay.” Katsuki says quietly, looking away again. He groans. “Fuck, this is so awkward.” He grabs Izuku’s face and kisses him again, hard.
They stay that way for a while, kissing and not doing anything more, and Katsuki feels comfortable–as comfortable as he’s ever been.
They fall asleep and Katsuki wakes up with his face in Izuku’s shirt and Izuku’s face in his hair. He pulls away and Izuku stirs, looking at Katsuki through hooded eyes and smiling. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself, sleepyhead.” Katsuki ruffles his hair. Izuku pulls a face and glares at him, but doesn’t stop him. “Good sleep?”
“Mhm. I think I’m overheating, though.”
“Tough luck. Get used to it.”