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It was an unassuming Thursday afternoon in London, and Dan and Phil were sitting next to each other on their sofa as usual, both on their respective laptops. Dan was in editing mode, drowning out everything around him while tweaking and touching up their latest video for the DanandPhilGAMES channel, and Phil was taking a break to scroll Tumblr. They had been in these exact positions for at least an hour, and Dan was fully prepared to stay there a couple more, when he saw Phil tense suddenly in the corner of his eye.
"What the fuck?!" Phil was staring at his laptop in horror and Dan craned his neck to see, but he was angled just slightly too far.
"What is it?", Dan asked, worry seeping into his voice. Phil didn't say anything, simply turning his laptop around. Dan had to squint against the glare of the lamp behind him to fully make anything out, but he already felt a pang of dread at the familiar silhouettes on the screen. There, replaying over and over, was a short gif of two boys making out, obscuring each other's faces. If it were any other situation Dan would have made fun of Phil for this appearing on his feed, but there was an issue with this particular gif. One of the boys was pale and wearing a colorful shirt, the other was tanned and wearing a black one, and both of them had a certain iconic style of emo fringe. The post was titled "PHAN PROOF".
Dan glanced back at Phil, who was looking at him with a look of fear Dan was certain he was mirroring. "What the hell", Dan said, at a loss for any better words. "Where is this even from?"
Phil didn't have an answer for that, instead staring back at the gif with intense scrutiny. Dan did the same, slowly taking in more details. "Wait a second..." Something struck him as odd, although he couldn't quite put his finger on it. A glance at Phil told him he was feeling the same.
After a second, Phil finally spoke up. "I- I don't recognize that shirt. It can't be me in there."
Dan followed his gaze, and saw that Phil was right. After a moment of further inspection, he also found a tiny, nearly entirely transparent watermark in the corner that read "homoemo.com". He breathed out a sigh of relief, chuckling a little. "Well, if it's not you in that picture it definitely isn't me."
Dan laughed again, before realizing the emotional weight of what he just said. He tried to play it cool, concentrating on his editing again, but Phil kept his gaze locked on Dan a little longer. His Dan. There was a fondness in his chest as he kept scrolling.
Neither of the two remembered this interaction for much longer, and if they did think back to it, the memory was hazy, buried under all the others of a full life. It was quite a few years before a similar thing happened again.
This time, they were once again next to each other on the sofa, playing a round of competitive Mario Kart, and Dan was actually enjoying himself. Phil, however, had something on his mind. He wasn't normally too brilliant at the game, but today his lack of concentration caused new lows. If Dan noticed, he said nothing.
After a particularly brutal match, Dan quietly gloated while Phil put his controller down. Dan gave him a sidelong glance. "Are you done already? I'd need a rematch after a loss like that."
Phil sighed and steeled himself. He had to bring this up, there was no other way, and it wasn't like he didn't want to. It was just... hard, finding the right words. Dan seemed to notice the change in Phil's posture, and set his controller down as well. He didn't say anything, simply watched Phil until he was ready to start talking, and Phil found himself grateful they knew each other so well. As hard as it was, it would be much harder with anyone else.
He took a deep breath. "I want to talk to you about something, if you don't mind. I've been meaning to for a little bit." Dan nodded slowly, and Phil took it as his sign to continue. "Your sexuality has always weighed you down, that much's for sure. But you've also been growing, and lately... I don't know, it feels more like it's not your sexuality itself that's weighing you down, but the fact that you're hiding it? Correct me if I'm wrong." Dan seemed to be considering Phil's words, so Phil kept going. "I mean, I don't think you need to tell the whole world straight away, and if you only tell one person, that's also fine. But I think you could handle it now, whatever comes. God knows you've handled plenty before."
There was a beat of silence while both of them considered what Phil had just said, Dan staring over Phil's shoulder while Phil searched his expression. "That's not to say I need you to do it or anything. If you need more time, or if I'm completely off the mark and you never want to say anything to anyone ever, I understand. I'll always wait for you, you know that by now. If it's not you coming out, it won't be me."
The faintest hint of déjà-vu overcame Dan as he thought carefully about what Phil had said. He was right. Dan didn't feel trapped by his sexuality anymore, he felt trapped by his self-imposed rules about how he should behave. No matter what Dan chose to do, Phil would support him, and that fact alone warmed his heart, but he was growing restless in the bunker he had locked himself in. The more he thought about it, the more it struck him how perceptive Phil was to notice all of this, and he couldn't help but smile. "You're right, Phil", he finally said. "I'll think about it."
Phil smiled, evidently also relieved. "Good", he said, nudging Dan's knee with his. "Now let me get back at you in Mario Kart."
This interaction too was forgotten eventually, with all of the grand gestures and big plans that followed overshadowing it all, but it remained somewhere nestled in the back corner of both of their hearts, as all memories do. And as all good things come in threes, a few years later still, after many things had changed, they had another conversation very similar to the previous two, although they would never know it.
This time, it was late morning in the house they had bought together, and Phil was watching TikTok on the sofa, sitting comfortably in his Minecraft pajamas. Dan watched him over his shoulder while he worked the coffee machine, cringing at how bad his posture was. He poured two mugs and took them both in his hands, pausing for a moment to prepare himself before heading into the living room.
He sat down, setting the mugs down on the table, and Phil thanked him off-handedly. Dan didn't relax into his seat as usual though, and Phil quirked an eyebrow at him when he noticed. Dan took a breath. "I'd like to talk. I've been thinking after my therapy session yesterday."
Phil took a sip of his coffee and set down his phone. “Go on.”
“I think I’m ready to tell the truth about us. To everyone, I mean.”
Phil tilted his head. “Are you ready to do it or did your therapist say it would be a good idea?”
“Shut up”, Dan said as he rolled his eyes. “Can’t both be true at the same time?”
“Fair enough.”
“Anyway. This isn’t just about tying up loose ends, or whatever. It’s about committing. For me, at least.”
Phil seemed to genuinely perk up at that, unsure where Dan was headed. Dan wasn’t exactly sure himself.
“I’ve always been scared of the whole ‘Dan and Phil’ thing. I’ve spent a good part of my life just waiting for it to implode and come crashing down around us, but now I realize I don’t have to worry about that anymore. I mean, let’s be honest, we’re almost one person already. When it's not you, it’s not me. We’ve got this from here on out.”
Phil had to take a second to just let himself look at Dan, a smile slowly warming his cheeks. How far they had to come for him to be able to say that, how much they had gone through together, it all came crashing into Phil. He felt incredibly fond.
“I’m so proud of us for that.”
Dan couldn’t quite meet his eyes yet, but he smiled.
“Yeah.”
“If we’re doing this though…”, Phil took another sip of his coffee. “We’re making it dramatic.”
Dan laughed. “Of course. And at least half an hour long.”
And that is how words can repeat themselves over the course of a lifetime. Unknown, half-forgotten little moments that prove that the battle is worth it, and that despite the familiarity, things do change over time. And maybe someday, the rest of us will also have that safety.
“If it’s not me, it’s not you.”